0:00:29 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I'm Tracey Ullman.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47In the news this week, producers on BBC Breakfast deny that the
0:00:47 > 0:00:50move to Salford has affected the quality of the guests.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58As fears grow about North Korea's nuclear capability,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00there is evidence that they could
0:01:00 > 0:01:04handle their volatile uranium isotopes more carefully.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12And the Labour Party Rambling Club regret letting Jeremy Corbyn
0:01:12 > 0:01:15and John McDonnell organise the team photo.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36On Ian's team tonight is a BBC newsreader and journalist who says
0:01:36 > 0:01:41the skill he'd most like to have is to be able to plaster a large wall.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43And if he can acquire that skill,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Donald Trump's got just the job for him.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Please welcome Clive Myrie.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And with Paul tonight is a broadcaster and cleric who
0:01:57 > 0:02:01recently said he'd spent more on drugs than a vicar should,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03although he only realised that
0:02:03 > 0:02:06when the Archdeacon queried his expenses claim.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Ian and Clive, take a look at this.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Mr Whittingdale.- Be very careful.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27There's someone taking something off. Modern newspapers.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31And it says, shock horror, he's flabbergasted, that man.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36This is the story that nobody wanted to run.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38About John Whittingdale,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42who is the Secretary of State for Culture, Media, Sport.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Minister of Fun. - Minister of Fun!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I sense you're treading carefully here.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Four newspapers had the story about a Tory MP
0:02:57 > 0:03:00and a prostitute who works in a dungeon.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04And we've had the hysterical sight this week of lots of tabloid
0:03:04 > 0:03:07editors saying, "Yeah, we're not interested in this story.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"It's not the sort of story we run, Tory MP, prostitute,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"she's a dominatrix. It is of no interest to us."
0:03:15 > 0:03:18So how did the story come into the public consciousness, then?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Well, the story was going around,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23and lots of newspapers investigated it, spent a huge amount of money
0:03:23 > 0:03:26and resources and then they decided it wasn't for them.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Then it started appearing online, and then some stupid magazine
0:03:30 > 0:03:32decided it's time to publish it in print.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35We suggested that perhaps the public might like to know why
0:03:35 > 0:03:37the story wasn't appearing.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40And we suggested that the reason the story wasn't appearing
0:03:40 > 0:03:43is, this is the man in charge of newspapers.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47He's in charge of press regulation, he was chair of the Select
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Committee for Culture and Media and Sport, and Minister for Fun!
0:03:52 > 0:03:57And the story started when he took this prostitute, or sex worker,
0:03:57 > 0:04:02as we now say, or dominatrix.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Or Miss Spanky.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You see, I'm trying to be responsible here.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10And you're going all tabloid.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I'm just quoting from the card in the telephone box.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- Don't you think that "sex worker" lacks music?- Yes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25She can play the trombone.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31It sounds to me like she's in the Village People or something.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33It's a bit kind of gruff, isn't it?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I just thought, you know, Magdalen,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37perhaps something like that would be better.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Romantic liaison officer? - Something like that.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43To be fair to the press, they have made it clear that they don't
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- do kiss and tell stories any more. - No.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47They've learned their lesson from Leveson.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Except during the period they had the Whittingdale story,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54they ran stories about Brooks Newmark, Tory MP you'd never
0:04:54 > 0:04:55heard of, Simon Danczuk,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59every single jot and tittle of his sex life, they ran in full.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03They ran the Labour peer, his sex life, prostitute, the whole thing.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Except, in the case of the man who's in charge of regulating
0:05:06 > 0:05:08the press and beating up the BBC,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"Oh, we don't run that sort of story.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"We only run the stories about everyone else."
0:05:13 > 0:05:15APPLAUSE
0:05:18 > 0:05:20His affair with the dominatrix lasted for six months,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23until he broke it off when he found out about her occupation.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And the revelation was covered in the Daily Telegraph...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It's so close, isn't it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Has his relationship with the dominatrix put
0:05:35 > 0:05:38John Whittingdale in a compromising position?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Well, we don't know, do we?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Not now, no.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Wasn't there some issue about him having taken her to the MTV Awards
0:05:47 > 0:05:51and not having declared it fully on the MPs' Register of Interests?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Yes, he did take this lady to the MTV Awards
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and he didn't declare it on the register.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Was it because it was the MTV Awards?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03You wouldn't want to own up to that, particularly, would you?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06What has Downing Street had to say on the matter?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Downing Street can't say much about transparency at the moment, can it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12They probably said today it was a private matter.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14In about a week's time, they'll be saying something else.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I just really want to see her tax returns.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23..they're saying,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27and thanks for distracting attention away from all that tax stuff.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Which story is the press more interested in publishing, but can't?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35They are very interested in that celebrity couple and the threesome.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Yes.- Yes!- But that's a story of huge national interest.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39But you see, that's the point.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41The point is, with the Whittingdale story,
0:06:41 > 0:06:43there's only two people involved.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47That's why they're not running it.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Do you want to name the people under the injunction? Go on.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- You can do that.- No, I think it would be better coming from you.
0:06:54 > 0:07:00- You have more authority. - People would like it. Go on!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04We don't know who they are, though in certain parts of the
0:07:04 > 0:07:09United Kingdom, the name has been revealed, which suggests...
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Scotland.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13We are allowed to say the word Scotland.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19You're right, their names have been published in America, Canada,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22by a newspaper in Scotland and by a political blogger in Ireland.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24But I mean, it would be interesting to find out,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27cos obviously, we're not going to say anything about it,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29but it would be interesting to ask the audience if they know.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Not say out loud, but just put your hand up
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- if you know who we're talking about. - Whoa!- That's virtually everybody.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- It's Ryan Giggs. - LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:39What, potentially, would be the punishment
0:07:39 > 0:07:41for breaking this injunction at this point?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- I think you'd be guilty of contempt of court.- Right.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48And you'd be breaking an injunction. That's a pretty serious charge.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Those of us who have been guilty of it before...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- LAUGHTER - ..are pretty damn wary.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55You know the subject very well.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58We'll get the story eventually and everyone will go, "Oh.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03"Oh, is it them? Oh, I thought they might be doing that."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I did.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Well, as you say...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Are we thinking of the same people?
0:08:11 > 0:08:16How is the House of Commons Speaker John Bercow involved?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Last time, there were super injunctions
0:08:18 > 0:08:21and injunctions with famous people,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Members of the House of Parliament got round it
0:08:23 > 0:08:27by just shouting out the names in the middle of debates.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29So you're having a debate about, I don't know,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33International Women's Day or fiscal attitudes to the United States
0:08:33 > 0:08:34and you'd shout, "Ryan Giggs!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:40And everyone thought was very funny. And it was privileged.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43But this time he said, "Everyone is going to behave,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45"I'm not going to have people being silly
0:08:45 > 0:08:48"and just shouting out the names of the celebrities."
0:08:48 > 0:08:50So, he's, as ever, rather ruined the fun.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56The Archbishop of Canterbury - friend of yours?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Well, yes.- Yes.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- You could hardly say he was your arch-enemy, could you?- Not really.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Had his own bit of a scandal this week, didn't he, Richard,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07when it was revealed his father wasn't who he thought he was?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Not really a scandal, but it did raise an interesting technicality,
0:09:10 > 0:09:17because up until 1950, if you were, to use a rather un-nuanced word,
0:09:17 > 0:09:22a bastard, meaning someone born illegitimately,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24you couldn't be ordained,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26and thus you couldn't have been the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Of course he's not the first bishop to have been thought a bastard
0:09:29 > 0:09:32by his clergy, but I couldn't possibly say any more about that.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34But this was a story which the Daily Telegraph,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36having lectured everyone else about sleaziness,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39went in full steam ahead.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44"Yeah, Archbishop's mum, bit of a slapper! Let's get the details.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"She was pissed all the time, apparently. Legless!"
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Well, we know the stories about the Archbishop and the actress,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52we've heard them over the years. They were based on fact.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54But he came out of it very well, I thought.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55He came out of it beautifully.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58It was a very beautiful, gracious, generous statement,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00and so did she, and we kind of move on.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02And if that can rescue my ecclesiastical career,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04good luck to it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07What hasn't helped Ukip's Scottish election campaign?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Oh, putting up candidates was a mistake.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Letting people know that they were there.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15I don't know, what is it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Ukip activist Jack Neill posted a picture of himself on Facebook.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Let's have a look.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS Yeah.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Now... But, hang on, hang on,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29there's a perfectly good explanation, as usual, with Ukip.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Is he the culture secretary?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Just to be clear, he's not a black man
0:10:34 > 0:10:37that's whited up from the neck down, is he? Let's just be clear.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41I don't want to jump to conclusions, there could be a trick photo.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42I don't think so.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45No, Mr Jack Jardine, Mr Neill's colleague,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48has said - he's the Ukip candidate in Scotland - he said...
0:10:52 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- That's the best I've ever heard. - Yeah.- Easily.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10There's a huge spot on his nose, by the look of it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13There might be some credence to his story.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Well, finally, let's return to where this all began -
0:11:16 > 0:11:19the BBC's Newsnight presenter Evan Davis seems to have knowledge
0:11:19 > 0:11:23of yet another MP's intimate details.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And a little earlier, I spoke to the Shadow Foreign Secretary,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Hilary Big Benn.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:38This is the sensational news story about the government minister
0:11:38 > 0:11:41having sex with a woman who turned out to be a prostitute.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Whilst it's true that Culture Secretary John Whittingdale
0:11:44 > 0:11:47did go out with a dominatrix, we should make it clear
0:11:47 > 0:11:49that he did absolutely nothing wrong
0:11:49 > 0:11:52apart from when he'd been a very, very bad boy.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01After the tabloids published the story, Labour complained that...
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Some people would have paid 50 quid extra for that.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Hacked Off has been accused of hypocrisy for suggesting
0:12:16 > 0:12:19that one rule should apply to the likes of Hugh Grant
0:12:19 > 0:12:21and another to John Whittingdale.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22I'm not sure whose side I'm on,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24but I will say this for Hugh Grant,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27at least he knows a prostitute when he sees one.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Oh, dear.- I suppose that's a kind of compliment, isn't it?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Yeah!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Paul and Richard, please take a look at this.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46There's David Cameron there, filling out his tax form.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Boris Brexiting his breeks.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Going for the working-class vote there.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52And what the hell's going on?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Cracks - wallpaper. - "Where's your husband, Mrs Roberts?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"Shoosh, he's behind the bunker."
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Well, this is, of course, a continuing row about tax
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and personal wealth,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08and why are so many Conservative MPs just furious with David Cameron?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10He published his tax return,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and now they all feel they've got to pile in with their tax returns.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15So we discover that Boris earned, I think,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18it was 600 and something thousand pounds a couple of years ago.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21He paid tax on it, so no story there,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24but that's kind of interesting. George Osborne has published his
0:13:24 > 0:13:26and I think Jeremy Corbyn has had to publish his too.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28The Tory MPs, they're probably worried
0:13:28 > 0:13:29because it will set a precedent now
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and whoever is going to be the next leader sometime down the line
0:13:32 > 0:13:35after Cameron will also have to do this thing.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37It's like holding them hostages to fortune,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- I think, is the complaint. - But isn't that why Boris did it,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- because he thinks is going to be the next leader?- Oh, yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I think he partly did it just to show how much he earns!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49He does seem to have an awful lot of jobs.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Member of Parliament, Mayor of London, columnist in this and that.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Telegraph. Writer of books.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59And he still finds time for all his extracurricular...activities.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Allegedly.- No.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Then, of course, everyone piled in on Jeremy Corbyn.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I saw a story that he had...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Somehow it was presented as if he had somehow screwed
0:14:15 > 0:14:17the National Exchequer out of three million quid,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19which was simply his wages for being an MP
0:14:19 > 0:14:21and his pension entitlement.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Not as if he's kind of stamped the faces of the poor
0:14:24 > 0:14:25in order to get it.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28No, it's a typical parochial distraction -
0:14:28 > 0:14:31we spend the whole week looking at people's tax returns.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Whereas the story about Panama was, how do we stop the world's
0:14:34 > 0:14:38rich, bent money launderers, crooks and despots hiding all their money?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Do you know, I love that company name in Panama, the Mossack Fonseca.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It sounds like a liqueur, doesn't it?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Oh, we love that at Christmas.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I like a nice glass of the Mossack Fonseca, it's marvellous.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Bite into the chocolate. It's a weird name to me.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Jeremy Corbyn had an unlikely ally this week.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Do you know who that was? - David Cameron.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Erm...- You did say unlikely.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Well, he did say...he did say,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09"I don't agree with Mr Corbyn on many things but I'm glad to see
0:15:09 > 0:15:12"that he has come out in support of staying in Europe."
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- No.- Not him?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15No, Paul, it was Danny DeVito.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That was my second guess!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23He told the Press Association that he's a big-time
0:15:23 > 0:15:25supporter of Jeremy Corbyn,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28who was the best leader that Labour have had in years, adding...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Danny DeVito also said...
0:15:38 > 0:15:42OK, Danny, a lot of your films were a bit shit.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:52There was a furious clash at Prime Minister's Question Time,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- did you see that? - Yeah.- Where Corbyn made a joke.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59It was quite good. Don't laugh!
0:15:59 > 0:16:00No, nobody did, but...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- But they did laugh at Dennis Skinner.- Yes.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09He made a characteristically salty intervention, didn't he? Dodgy Dave.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Yeah.- And then he got told off by John Bercow, who made him go
0:16:12 > 0:16:15and sit on the naughty step, didn't he, and calm down?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- "You're not allowed to call the Prime Minister dodgy."- No.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Parliamentary convention is that you can't call into question
0:16:21 > 0:16:23the honour of a Member of Parliament, apparently.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Imagine that!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28We're not allowed to show the workings
0:16:28 > 0:16:30of British Parliamentary democracy
0:16:30 > 0:16:34on this show, so here's an artist's impression of that moment.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Gosh, I feel I'm there.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I know!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Who are the couple at the door waiting to get married?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It's Mr Whittingdale and his friend from the Village People.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56It'd be good if the phone went, "It's the Whips' Office. You or me?"
0:17:06 > 0:17:10What's Sir Alan Duncan been saying about it all?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Oh, yes, he was talking about the suggestion that
0:17:14 > 0:17:17if you have to publish your tax return if you are an ordinary MP
0:17:17 > 0:17:22then that will mean the lower orders entering Parliament.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Yeah, he said there will be no more high achievers.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- No more high achievers. - Brackets - like himself.- Yeah.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33No, the thought that Alan Duncan thinks he's a high achiever...
0:17:33 > 0:17:35He did indeed say this place would become...
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Well, in the real world, where Alan apparently lives,
0:17:44 > 0:17:48he gets paid £615 per hour to advise an Emirates oil company.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51We've all done that.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55His first achievement in politics was to buy a council house
0:17:55 > 0:17:57under someone else's name under the scheme
0:17:57 > 0:17:59where you could get them cheap,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and he had to resign when that was revealed.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I mean, his whole career has been one of high achievement
0:18:05 > 0:18:09if you consider achievement shaming the House of Commons.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14APPLAUSE
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Well, this is the news that David Cameron has voluntarily been
0:18:17 > 0:18:21forced into publishing a summary of his tax return.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Amongst other things,
0:18:22 > 0:18:26the documents reveal that David Cameron received...
0:18:26 > 0:18:32To be fair, that was for his birthday AND Christmas.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34And so to Round Two,
0:18:34 > 0:18:38a brand-new feature which I'm calling
0:18:38 > 0:18:41the Hall of Mirrors of News.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I'm going to show you some images distorted in a fairground
0:18:44 > 0:18:48hall of mirrors, and I want you to tell me what the story is.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Well, you needn't have bothered distorting that - we've got no idea.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I mean, it's puzzling as it is.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Is it the Scandi version of the Adele single?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16This is the news that there is finally a number you could
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- dial to talk to a random person in Sweden...- A Swede?- Yeah.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Yes, that's right, yeah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23..to celebrate the 250-year anniversary of Sweden
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- abolishing censorship.- Oh.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29We should ring up and say, "Who's the celebrity couple?"
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Let's do that right now.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You shouldn't ask them, according to the Guardian,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37things about Ikea and Abba.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40They really are sick of that. You know what they're really sick of?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45They've had it with that!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Hoo-da-hoo-da-hoo-da! Had it with that.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I had a very embarrassing moment in Sweden as a clergyman.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51- Did you?- Yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I was over for work stuff, seeing some people,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57and they said, "Do you want to come round later?"
0:19:57 > 0:19:58I said, "Yeah, sure."
0:19:58 > 0:20:01And so I went round and then we all had to have a sauna together.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03And I found myself with these strangers, completely naked
0:20:03 > 0:20:06in a sauna, and we had to thrash ourselves with birch twigs.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10And I said to John Whittingdale, "I don't know about you..."
0:20:10 > 0:20:12APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:20I have a vision of you entirely naked but with a dog collar on.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Standards must be maintained, yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27This is the phone line that gives you the opportunity to phone
0:20:27 > 0:20:30any Swedish person at random and have a chat.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Swedish student Wilmer told the Guardian...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41One caller was quick to react.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46APPLAUSE
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Brilliant.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Time now for the Odd One Out Round. It's just one between you this week.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Your four are...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Sir Nigel Gresley,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Shirley Bassey,
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Margaret Thatcher
0:21:01 > 0:21:05and John Walker, the inventor of the friction match.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09The friction match? Hmm. Is that a dating site?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13There is a statue of Mrs Thatcher going up
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and Carol complained that there wasn't a handbag on it.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- That's right. - That looks like a train.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Yes. If you get the story about him, you'll get the rest of it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- OK, tell us what the story is. - Yeah, we've no idea who he is.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26That's Nigel Gresley, he designed the Mallard,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and they were going to put a statue up to him
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and somebody thought, the designer of the statue,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33that it'd be nice to have a mallard next to him.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35People said, "This is insulting.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"We can't have a duck." "We're going to have a duck."
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"No, we're not going to have a duck."
0:21:39 > 0:21:41So it's about what has been placed or taken away.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45So it must be like Margaret Thatcher's handbag, you mentioned.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- So duck for him... - Duck for him.- Mm-hmm.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Is there a frictionless match next to the statue of John Walker?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Well, you're right. All of the statues have something missing,
0:21:55 > 0:21:59except for John Walker, whose statue is of someone else altogether.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Oh.- Yeah.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Here's the statue. It's John Walker,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08an actor who looked pretty much like John Walker, the match inventor.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09So they just commissioned the wrong one?
0:22:12 > 0:22:13The council have tried to make amends.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17In 2001, they put this up at a roundabout.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21That's better, isn't it(?)
0:22:21 > 0:22:23And so, Nigel Gresley, you were, indeed, right, Paul.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27He was very fond of waterfowl and named the trains
0:22:27 > 0:22:28he designed after them.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30The original statue was like this.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35But after complaints from Gresley's fans, the duck was eliminated.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40This has caused seismic tremors in the Gresley Society Trust.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41According to BBC News...
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Leaving no-one.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Does give the possibility that there could be a sleeper train
0:22:57 > 0:23:00called The Shag, doesn't it, if he'd followed it through?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Are you sure you're cut out to be a vicar?
0:23:05 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:10APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:12You seem to be fighting something.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17That's just what the bishop said to me in the last e-mail. There you go.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22And Shirley Bassey has been immortalised as Boadicea
0:23:22 > 0:23:26in a 20-foot high gold-coloured statue in front of Caernarfon Castle
0:23:26 > 0:23:29in Wales. But there is a whole where the heart should be,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Packed with body-filler and sanded to smooth finish
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Shirley Bassey was guest of honour at the unveiling.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45which this week features, as its guest publication,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50It comes out on Friday, but they can't say exactly when.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55And we start with...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- CLIVE:- Stopcock.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Is it Jeremy Clarkson?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- It's the Werewolf of Worcester. - Yes, the Werewolf.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12The Werewolf of Worcester.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Robert Ingram, who was driving through the area with his wife,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18drew the creature they saw. Here it is.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:25He said...
0:24:28 > 0:24:32At least they'd be able to draw it better.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Next...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Pours chocolate sauce over Labrador.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40- RICHARD:- Ices own paunch.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:46That's excellent.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50I think that's the best answer we've ever had.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Ices his own paunch? That's a fantastic sentence. It's poetry.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57That should be the answer to every single question from now on.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Do you know what he did?
0:25:04 > 0:25:05And here they are.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Next...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19- CLIVE:- The return of the colour avocado.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23- RICHARD:- Norovirus.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Because it is a report in Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News,
0:25:39 > 0:25:40that says...
0:25:43 > 0:25:49Well, it's not integrated speakers they need, it's more fibre.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50And finally...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Whenever I see terrible injustice in the world.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07Whenever I see a fully-working immersion heater up on a wall,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09my throat starts to seize up and I smile.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- Whenever I accidentally ice my own paunch...- Yeah.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17..my throat starts to seize up and I just smile.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Yeah, trying to make the best of it.- Yeah.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27This is from the letters page
0:26:27 > 0:26:29of Plumbing, Heating & Air Movement News,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32alongside Rod Chambers' letter on frictional resistance
0:26:32 > 0:26:36in old sewerage pipes, for which the editor paid him £100...
0:26:36 > 0:26:38not to contact him again.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41So, the final scores are
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Paul and Red Richard, 5,
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Ian and Clive, 3.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:27:00But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- CLIVE:- Giant head lice outbreak in schools!
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Nit nurse fired.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Photographer asks, "Can you move sideways a bit?"
0:27:12 > 0:27:14APPLAUSE
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Next...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Is this the celebrity threesome?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28APPLAUSE
0:27:31 > 0:27:34And I leave you with news that, on her arrival in Brussels,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Angela Merkel is assured by the Belgian Prime Minister
0:27:37 > 0:27:39that there is nothing to worry about.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47As the latest series of The Voice draws to a close,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49the judges regret crowning their winners
0:27:49 > 0:27:51without turning their chairs around.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59And after eight hours killing time on the Tube, an unemployed man,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03still pretending to have a job, can finally go home to his wife.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10You've been watching Ice My Paunch.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Goodnight.