0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Amazon denies that its drivers are losing patience
0:00:46 > 0:00:49with customers who aren't in when they try to deliver.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55In the Gulf of Mexico,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57after successfully smuggling a kilo of cocaine,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01a drug lord's highly trained raccoon makes a last-minute slip-up.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12And on the outskirts of Cambridge,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15a technology company unveils its robot simulation
0:01:15 > 0:01:18of the final stages of Eddie Izzard's 27th marathon.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Very accurate, that. Yeah.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:37 > 0:01:39who recently made a show in Sri Lanka
0:01:39 > 0:01:42and says the locals were chatty and hospitable,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44but he yearned for the cold indifference
0:01:44 > 0:01:45of Londoners back home.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Whatever. Please welcome Romesh Ranganathan.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And with Paul tonight is a comedian who has described himself
0:01:57 > 0:01:59as an "action transvestite".
0:01:59 > 0:02:02To this day, Hasbro's worst-selling toy.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Please welcome Eddie Izzard.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Paul and Eddie, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Ah, the Queen, God bless her. There she is.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Ah, sorry, there she is.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21The Queen is nine years old.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23This is not the time to be practising his archery.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And that's when cousins marry.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32She has run out of smiles.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34She's...she's... I just...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Earlier, they were lighting a thing that goes on
0:02:36 > 0:02:39and they said the Queen looked very happy, and she does not.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43The Queen's incredibly popular,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45people are very worried what happens after she dies.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49So I suggest she should remain queen after she dies.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I think that would solve all the problems,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53and all the other heirs to the throne
0:02:53 > 0:02:55can go on and on and wave, and all the other stuff.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- They can do, like, a hologram. - LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I don't know why you're laughing, I think it's perfectly...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I think there should be new waving.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07I think the "I'm curving my hand around a candle" wave is odd
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and someone should teach...
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"Imagine you're cleaning a window", you should say to her.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I think just bring them really up to date.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Just "Brrap-brrap-brrap!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- EDDIE:- That could work, but I think
0:03:20 > 0:03:22if the Queen was in the chariot, going along,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and she's going, "Dave!"
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Occasionally, a bit of that, cos that always works, doesn't it?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31That works on stage, you come on stage, you go...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Occasionally... - HE CLICKS TONGUE
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!"
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Just live it, live it large a bit. - ROMESH:- Just once, just once,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41if she was just... then she just went...
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Just once would be amazing. Imagine the coverage.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50There would be a three-hour special on that. A series.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53The Duke of Edinburgh's done it quite a lot.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54So she's 90 and that's it.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57How did she kick off the birthday celebrations?
0:03:57 > 0:03:58The bumps.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- She went to visit the delivery office in Windsor.- Yes.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Sadly, there was no-one in, so she had to go next door.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07But that was the official kick-off of the celebrations.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Several commemorative stamps are being issued...
0:04:10 > 0:04:11- Yes.- ..for the occasion.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Why was this a difficult photoshoot? What was the challenge?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16There was a problem with the boy.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22They needed to get all their heads on the same level
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and he's extremely inconsiderate
0:04:24 > 0:04:26and he's...he's not very tall.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I think there's five stamps. There's four of their heads
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and one of that little stack that he's standing on.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34They are just old photo cases, I think.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Literally, the photographer hadn't thought
0:04:36 > 0:04:38beforehand, so he improvised.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40So it hadn't occurred to him
0:04:40 > 0:04:43that George might be shorter than the other people?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46And it was a surprise - it was, like, "Oh, my gosh.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"You look a lot bigger in the official photos.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"I had no idea."
0:04:51 > 0:04:53He could've cropped the books out and made it look like he had
0:04:53 > 0:04:56extraordinarily long legs - that's what I would've done.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Of course, they couldn't do that because they needed
0:04:59 > 0:05:01each head to be a stamp.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What horrible pressure on the Queen -
0:05:03 > 0:05:05you've got a picture of her head now
0:05:05 > 0:05:07next to a picture of her head when she was a lot younger.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It feels a bit harsh, doesn't it?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11It's the sort of thing the Daily Mail would do.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"Hasn't she aged badly?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"1957, she looked a lot younger.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- "Look, she's old!" - That's actually an anomaly, though.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22You don't normally get two Queen's heads on a stamp.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24If the Queen's own face is on a stamp,
0:05:24 > 0:05:25you get a crown, not the silhouette.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27But cos this is a slightly odd photoshoot,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30to fit everything in, they figured they couldn't put a crown in,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32so they got two Queen's heads.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33It's very exciting for stamp collectors.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It is - as are most things.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39APPLAUSE
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- ROMESH:- Sorry, but that kid's head on a stamp
0:05:43 > 0:05:46is one of the creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50I would post the letter just to get it out of my possession.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Normal people who aren't stamp collectors
0:05:52 > 0:05:54would use the stamps, peel them off,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56but you can still keep the remaining portrait -
0:05:56 > 0:05:58there you go.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I tell you what, that headless child,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02still not as creepy as the one with just his head on.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08What has 83-year-old Ben Bennett erected in his garden in Windsor...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Oh, oh...!
0:06:10 > 0:06:14..put up in his garden in Windsor to celebrate the birthday?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16An effigy of the Queen - a 12ft effigy.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- It is a 12ft effigy of the Queen. - Is it?- Yes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Yes, and the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Why is she next to a sex offender?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Sorry - I'm referring to the head rather than the man in the red.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Just in case the lawyer's suddenly woken up.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Are you sure that's the Queen? It looks like Colonel Gaddafi.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Mr Bennett said...
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Can he name them?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Enough of this chat.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- It's time for our Quick Queen Quiz. - Right.- Yes.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00What did former Royal correspondent Jennie Bond
0:07:00 > 0:07:03see inside the Queen's handbag
0:07:03 > 0:07:05when it fell open during a trip to Pakistan?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07BUZZER Yes?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Bags of heroin.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12No.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- BUZZER - No, not that.- Cigarettes.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15No.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16The Duke of Edinburgh.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18No - I can tell you,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Jennie Bond exclusively revealed in this week's Daily Mirror...
0:07:26 > 0:07:30It is really desperate, this coverage, isn't it?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31A hanky and a mirror -
0:07:31 > 0:07:33handy if you want to take some heroin.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43"And as the royal finger dabs into the mound..."
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Next one - we know that the Queen owns all the swans in Britain.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51What else does she own that shares its name
0:07:51 > 0:07:52with a well-known politician?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54BUZZER
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Buckingham Palace? The Duke of Buckingham?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58No - a well-known current politician.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- Not somebody in the English Civil War?- No.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- Wasn't clear in the question, you see.- I'm so sorry.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07It's sturgeon.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09She owns all the sturgeons?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12The Queen owns all the sturgeon, dolphins and whales
0:08:12 > 0:08:14in British waters.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Do they know this?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Final question in the Quick Queen Quiz,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21how did German magazine Der Spiegel
0:08:21 > 0:08:23celebrate the Queen's birthday?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Um...- Did they...? - BELL
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Did they make a sculpture of her out of...stuff they found?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34They put a touching tribute on their front page.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36There we go, that's...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43It was an article specially commissioned by Prince Charles.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Who flew in specially to visit the Queen?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51BUZZER
0:08:51 > 0:08:52President Obama.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- It was President Obama. - Oh!- And his wife.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55He popped in for lunch,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57and who did President Obama express no interest in meeting
0:08:57 > 0:08:58while he was here?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Was it Jeremy Corbyn?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01It was Jeremy Corbyn.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Um...which is, you know, a big surprise,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05after 20 years of Corbyn talking about
0:09:05 > 0:09:08the fascist hegemony of the United States.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- The sickening capitalist... - Hell of a good band, though,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14The Fascist Hegemony of the United States - stormed Woodstock.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Weren't Jeremy Corbyn's people a little bit embarrassed?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Weren't they saying, "We're still making up our minds
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"about whether we're meeting President Obama",
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and then he said, "I don't want to meet you anyway, mate"?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- That would be embarrassing. - That's exactly right.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27According to the Times...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Jeremy may turn down the chance
0:09:33 > 0:09:35of not meeting the President.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Slightly awkward. Staying with Jeremy Corbyn,
0:09:37 > 0:09:38what does he become...?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41He's not staying with Jeremy Corbyn!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43God, times are hard.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45That's embarrassing, staying with Jeremy Corbyn,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48but doesn't want to talk to him at all the whole time he's here.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51There's a new job being advertised within the Labour Party.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54NUDE job or NEW job?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57A new job. A new job. What job is being advertised?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Leader.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02It's actually for the post of
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Leader's Office Media Spokesperson
0:10:05 > 0:10:07and...not saying Jeremy Corbyn
0:10:07 > 0:10:08should be nervous,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10but under "Duration", it says...
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Yes, this is the wonderful news that the Queen is 90 years old
0:10:23 > 0:10:24and still going strong.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Several national events are planned to celebrate
0:10:26 > 0:10:29this momentous royal milestone, including...
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Lovely.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Terrific. And...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40It's a no from me.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42According to one of the many fact-filled
0:10:42 > 0:10:44royal pull-outs this week...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Yes, it's called the taxpayer.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54The Queen has bred corgis with dachshunds
0:10:54 > 0:10:56which are known as "dorgis" though, of course,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59that could just be her way of pronouncing "doggies".
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Ian and Romesh, take a look at this.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07That's my inspiration.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11That's a headmistress after one of his policies on education.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13That's the Remain camp, hitting the phones.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Boris, digging himself out of another situation.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Well, this is week 17 of the big Brexit debate.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24And it's all go this week.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27There's a speech from Gove, which shocked everyone,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30because it was sort of... not terrible.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33What I quite like is the fact that they have all been talking
0:11:33 > 0:11:36about how they don't want to scare anyone into making a decision,
0:11:36 > 0:11:40and then Michael Gove compared it to a hostage situation!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Which feels like the sort of opposite.- Yes, he said...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Do you know what I think the problem with that is?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57When people use analogies that are purely from
0:11:57 > 0:11:59their own life experience - I just think that's...
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It's funny you should say that. The Sun mocked up a picture
0:12:01 > 0:12:04to show us what that would look like.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07That's an old NUT promotional photo, isn't it?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER
0:12:10 > 0:12:13There's some teachers in!
0:12:13 > 0:12:17George Osborne said that leaving the EU would cost £4,300 per household.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Who'd be taking it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Well, because the economy is going to shrink by 6%, apparently,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24if we leave the EU. So this money would not be available.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28George Osborne put out this massive dossier with loads of equations...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Yeah.- ..and dummy variables and all of this crap...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Let's have a look at that equation.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Who...? If you are trying to get somebody onside to an argument,
0:12:37 > 0:12:38you don't use algebra!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40That's...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- EDDIE:- That's not the real one, is it?- Yes!
0:12:42 > 0:12:43That's what people hated the most!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46That is the equation that George Osborne unveiled...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48It's all variables that you can't predict
0:12:48 > 0:12:51so those equations are absolutely meaningless.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53The last four letters seem to spell "eejit".
0:12:58 > 0:13:00APPLAUSE
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Who was with George Osborne when he made his big speech,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- did you see that? - Liz Truss was there.- It was.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Environment Secretary Liz Truss.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- She's not always been a big fan of the EU, of course.- No.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12And she was once quite worried
0:13:12 > 0:13:15about how much of their dairy produce comes to Britain.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- Mm.- We couldn't see that, could we?
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Let's have a look.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23We import two-thirds of our cheese.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER FROM STUDIO
0:13:25 > 0:13:28That is a disgrace.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37But if the consequences of leaving the EU are so terrible,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39why are they letting us vote on it at all?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Well, it's...
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Am I going to get into this? I'm a positive person.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Basically, if we...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I start this discussion with if we want a world
0:13:48 > 0:13:51where seven billion people all have a fair chance,
0:13:51 > 0:13:52we've got try to make Europe work.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53If we want to make it work,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56we've got to be inside it to make it work.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Running and hiding is just not the British way.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Standing and fighting is what we should do.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01So I'm for standing and fighting.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:05 > 0:14:09The idea of running and hiding does sound pretty cool, though.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I... It sort of implies that if we leave the EU,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14they won't be able to find us.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"Where's Britain gone?" "I've got no idea.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"Left the EU, I haven't seen them for a few months."
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Eddie, you're pro-EU.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Who is your unlikely ally, it emerged this week?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Oh, I don't know!
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Oh, this is a thing, this is a thing.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I thought you were just talking to me. Um...
0:14:31 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- ROMESH:- We have been recording this whole time.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Could it be... Could it be thinking people of the United Kingdom?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41No, it's Jeremy Clarkson.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44If you can't trust someone who punches a younger man in the face
0:14:44 > 0:14:46when he doesn't get a steak, who can you trust?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49That's what I say. Jeremy Clarkson said the EU is...
0:14:52 > 0:14:55So why is he in favour of it, then?
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Who were the big... Who are the big celebrity leavers, the big outers?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Ian Botham.- Yes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Katie Hopkins, isn't she Leave?
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Hmm... I don't know...
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I think we want HER to leave, I think it's the other way around.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12The list I've got here is...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Ian Botham, Eddie the Eagle, Joan Collins and Frederick Forsyth.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18It's like a Parkinson from the '80s!
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Amazing line-up(!)
0:15:20 > 0:15:22What irritated Boris Johnson this week?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24A rash.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28While Boris Johnson was making his speech,
0:15:28 > 0:15:32the reporter Michael Crick was doing a piece to camera at the same time.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Let's have a look.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Well, as you heard there, the typical Boris Johnson rhetoric.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I was talking earlier to people in the crowd...
0:15:47 > 0:15:49AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:15:55 > 0:15:58One of the interesting little incidents we caught...
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- Excuse me, I'm live on television. - Well, could you keep quiet?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- All right, all right. - The guy is trying to talk.- OK, OK.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- And you interrupted.- I'm just trying to explain what's going on here.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Well, so is he. - OK. The... Earlier, the...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12LAUGHTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Excuse me, you're... Excuse me.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I'm just trying to explain... OK.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- STUDIO PRESENTER:- Are you all right there, Michael?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- I think maybe we'll leave you there for now.- Fine.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31This is the debate on Europe, which has generated so many column inches.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35George Osborne issued a stark warning that Brexit would cost...
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Blimey, that's four rolls of his dad's wallpaper!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44The President of the European Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47admitted that the British public are fed up with hearing about...
0:16:50 > 0:16:53But enough about that celebrity injunction.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58And so to round two, the Strength-o-Meter Of News.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05BUZZER Paul and Eddie?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Yes, this is Johnny Depp and his wife have been fined
0:17:08 > 0:17:11because they smuggled... They didn't think they were smuggling,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13but that's what they were doing, dogs into Australia,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16which you are not allowed to do because of quarantine laws.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18They do say that dogs end up looking like their owners,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22and there is a...perfect example of it beginning to happen genetically.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Do you know the dogs' names? - Er...Boo?- Yeah, they're called...
0:17:27 > 0:17:30That alone is worth community service.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Yeah, they took them into Australia without the right paperwork
0:17:34 > 0:17:36and Johnny Depp's wife, Amber Heard,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39she could have got ten years in prison.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42What was the key to their defence?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44She wouldn't like to be in prison for ten years?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Because they're incredibly famous, the Australian authorities said,
0:17:47 > 0:17:51if they made a video and they were very, very sorry,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53then they would let them off the prison sentence.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I would quite like to have seen Johnny Depp apologise
0:17:55 > 0:17:59for his version of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory as well, actually.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Well, let's have a look at the video.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Australia is a wonderful island
0:18:03 > 0:18:07with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals and people.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09It has to be protected.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Australia is free of many pests and diseases
0:18:11 > 0:18:14that are commonplace around the world.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18That is why Australia has to have such strong bio-security laws.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22And Australians are just as unique. Both warm and direct.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER
0:18:23 > 0:18:27If you disrespect Australian law, they will tell you firmly.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I'm truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Protecting Australia is important.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Declare everything when you enter Australia.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Did you find that a sincere apology, Paul?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Were you convinced?- No.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I think he was drunk.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46The internet was sceptical.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Twitter user Scott suggested it looked like
0:18:48 > 0:18:50when you Skype your parents and...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Staying with the celebrities - you'll know this, Ian -
0:19:02 > 0:19:05which famous pop star made an unlikely appearance
0:19:05 > 0:19:06on the Isle of Skye last week?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12That's right. It was Kanye West, of course.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I thought that WAS one of the islands.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Yes, you'd only know he was there
0:19:20 > 0:19:23if you were a very eagle-eyed reader of the West Highland Free Press.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25This appeared on page 16
0:19:25 > 0:19:28next to a small story about a kayaker saving some sheep.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29It said...
0:19:34 > 0:19:35The story continued...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:53That's proper journalism.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- Time now for the Odd One Out Round. - Yeah.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Just one between you this week. Your four are...
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Midsomer Murders, Captain Calamity,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Thriplow Daffodil Festival
0:20:02 > 0:20:05and a VHS of the 1986 Snooker World Championship.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Captain Calamity was the one
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- who kept being rescued by the coastguard?- That's right, yes.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12His bike proved to be useless at sea.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Yes, he had to be rescued nine times,
0:20:16 > 0:20:17sailing from Norway to America.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20They had to call out the coastguard in Norway, Denmark,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Northern Ireland, the Republic of Ireland, Scotland,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25and Cornwall, which is where they ended up in January,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- about 3,000 miles short of the target.- Blimey.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30So did he arrive in Cornwall thinking he'd made it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Was he expecting to see Indians?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I mean, it was a bit of a calamity, wasn't it?
0:20:35 > 0:20:36It was.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Were there no daffodils out in the daffodil festival?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Which I find is a problem.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I think the picture of the police, the top left-hand corner,
0:20:43 > 0:20:44that is the odd one out.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46No, it's not. Shall I tell you?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48They've all failed to live up to their names...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Apart from Captain Calamity... - Who is a calamity.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Who is a calamity.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- That's really thin.- Yeah, that's...
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Controversially, an episode of Midsomer Murders was screened
0:20:57 > 0:21:00in which there were no murders.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01There is normally a murder.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I mean, the death rate there is higher than Kabul.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05So why wasn't there a murder?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Well, it turned out the victim wasn't really dead -
0:21:08 > 0:21:10not to spoil it for anyone who's going to watch it.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13So what happened? Was he just taking a nap or something? Just for ages?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Is anyone a fan of Midsomer Murders? ROMESH:- Big fan.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18When I'm at home, all I watch is either Midsomer Murders
0:21:18 > 0:21:20or that Johnny Depp video.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26That VHS of the 1986 World Snooker Championships
0:21:26 > 0:21:28belonged to the 1986 champion...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Dennis Taylor, was it? - It was Joe Johnson.- Joe Johnson.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33But he told the Guardian...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- The Joe Johnson story I find quite poignant.- Yes.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Cos it was a big moment. He was an amateur who hadn't even
0:21:52 > 0:21:55been expected to qualify for that 1986 tournament.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57He gave this assessment of his chances at the time. He said...
0:21:57 > 0:22:00"I was playing Bill Werbeniuk a few months before.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:20And then he won, but they'd wiped the video.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23What did he do to his children? Did he kill them?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Cos that would be fair.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28At the Thriplow Daffodil Festival, there were no daffodils.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Right.- Because of the warm winter,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33all of the daffodils have bloomed early. Now they're dead.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35What happens at the festival when there ARE daffodils?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- Do you just go and look at them? - Yeah, just look at them.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Isn't it a massive blessing they weren't there?
0:22:40 > 0:22:41It sounds dreadful.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- It's not just daffodils. - You're so miserable!
0:22:45 > 0:22:49It's a daffodil festival - what do you expect? Tulips?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51There are many different sorts of daffodil.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Are there? Really? - Of course there are.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Oh, I didn't know that.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Different shades, different colours. - Now you've piqued my interest.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- What do you do that's so exciting? - What do I do?- Yeah.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Eh, I went to an asparagus festival.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Yes, all of these things have failed to live up to their names,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11apart from Steve Shapiro, aka Captain Calamity,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13who has given up sailing.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Midsomer Murders is filmed in Oxfordshire,
0:23:15 > 0:23:16where no real crimes are committed,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19as we all remember from the Rebekah Brooks case.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26which this week features as its guest publication
0:23:26 > 0:23:29the Cucumber Growers' Association e-cucumber newsletter.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31It's a fairly tasteless publication.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34We start with...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Check out the wait in A&E.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45APPLAUSE
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Yes!- This is from the e-cucumber newsletter
0:23:53 > 0:23:54about a range of new recipes
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- designed to increase cucumber consumption.- Yes.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59E-cucumber newsletter suggests recipes such as...
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Although if you're making this at home and you don't have any cucumber
0:24:04 > 0:24:06to hand, you can always just use nothing instead.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Next...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Donald Trump.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Piers Morgan.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- ROMESH:- Sky-diving.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18No.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Yes, an American man...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Is there a special button on the computer you should never press?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31An American man took sleeping pills and awoke the next day
0:24:31 > 0:24:33to find he'd been shopping at an online company called...
0:24:36 > 0:24:40The unnamed man cancelled the order for over 3,000, explaining...
0:24:45 > 0:24:47We should stop using that name.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Jerry Hall is googling it and looking for wedding venues.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Next...
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- ROMESH:- Huge duck army absolutely massacres tiny duck army.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Faces massive bill.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10APPLAUSE
0:25:14 > 0:25:16This is a vineyard in South Africa
0:25:16 > 0:25:20that uses an army of 800 ducks to control pests. Next...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Does not bother woman with 19-foot corridor.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35The Cucumber Growers' Association...
0:25:35 > 0:25:36- ROMESH:- That must be...
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- That must be the finale for the daffodil festival.- Yeah.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Here it is. EDDIE:- Is that real?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45It looks a bit like a dirigible.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47It's got a handle in the middle of it, look.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's as if they're going to pick it up there and...
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- ROMESH:- Break down the doors of a massive salad.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Next...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01As seagulls target pates.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Good enough.- What?!- Yes.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:12It is a bird one. This is about an owl terrorising people in Devon.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15One bald victim of the so-called Terror Owl
0:26:15 > 0:26:17was Richard Clevedon Smith,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20who reluctantly agreed to recreate the incident for the local paper.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I see that in the photograph behind him,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27the local Beatles tribute band are...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:31..restaging the cover to Abbey Road.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33APPLAUSE
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Finally...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Whenever Roger Beard puts on his cucumber suit,
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Roger Cucumber puts on his beard suit.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:46In fact...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49ROMESH CONTINUES LAUGHING
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Have you got a picture of the two of them standing next to each other?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Well, actually, that's a rather moot point,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56because the answer is...
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Now, yes, here is Roger in his suit.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06What a ridiculous outfit...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08the Cucumber Growers' Association is.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12So the final scores are...
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Ian and Romesh have four, Paul and Eddie have six.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Here, mate, want to buy an invisible kestrel?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Ian Hislop and Romesh Ranganathan, Paul Merton and Eddie Izzard.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41I leave you with news
0:27:41 > 0:27:44that at the Institute of Chartered Accountants' spring ball,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47they come to the conclusion that they're just not conga people.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54In Missouri, on hearing the words, "I could still be president",
0:27:54 > 0:27:56a child suffers an instant reaction.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02And on a walkabout in an amusement park,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05David Cameron mistakenly believes a member of the public
0:28:05 > 0:28:07is asking him to buy two ice creams.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Goodnight.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE