0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46as footage emerges from the recent royal tour,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49it appears Nicholas Witchell picked the wrong moment
0:00:49 > 0:00:52to bend over and tie his shoelaces.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01In his last year in office, there are suspicions that Barack Obama
0:01:01 > 0:01:04is frittering away Secret Service resources
0:01:04 > 0:01:08as extra protection is laid on for Tiddles, the White House cat.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And after a long day's recording, there's a sense of deja vu
0:01:17 > 0:01:19for the producers of Top Gear
0:01:19 > 0:01:22as they fail to provide Chris Evans with a steak.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35No wonder he's angry! He's got pixelated organs.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41On Ian's team tonight is an actress and comedian
0:01:41 > 0:01:45whose Twitter biography refers to her as a "Northern powerhouse",
0:01:45 > 0:01:48presumably because George Osborne has no idea where she is
0:01:48 > 0:01:51and has never given her any money.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Please welcome Diane Morgan!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And with Paul tonight is a business consultant and host of Countdown
0:02:02 > 0:02:06who once described me as his celebrity crush.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Only if I sat on you, mate.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Please welcome Nick Hewer.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:17 > 0:02:19And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Paul and Nick, take a look at this.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Ah, yes, the collapse of British Home Stores,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26a very famous name on the high street.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That's their funeral collection there.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Er, baboon, er, he's the new chairman, he's come in.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That's Sir Philip Green and money rushing in.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36So, yes, there's a bit of controversy about BHS
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- and Sir Philip Green. - It's a hell of a story.
0:02:38 > 0:02:45It's a bonfire of the vanities, an extraordinary, terrible story.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Erm...he's not a spiv.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- He's not a spiv?- He's not a spiv. I know he's not a spiv.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52My lawyer said he's not a spiv.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And you'll remember, he's had his run-ins in the City before.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I don't know why you're planting this on me!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- Because...- If you want to suggest Sir Philip Greed...Green...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- LAUGHTER - Sorry.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:09 > 0:03:11If you want to suggest there's something fishy
0:03:11 > 0:03:14about his whole financial thing, well, you say it, not me!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- I'm not saying he should be put inside.- Your boys on Private Eye
0:03:18 > 0:03:21will be all over it like a cheap suit.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Although perhaps not one from BHS.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Let's just do figures quickly, shall we?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30He bought it for 200 million. Fair play to him,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34it made a profit of around 500 million in less than a decade.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37But he also took out around 580 million in dividends
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and various deals for himself and his family.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Which is quite a lot to give yourself in a tax haven.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Again, I'm not saying that's odd.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I've shoplifted in BHS, but it was never that much.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55The flipside of taking all this money out
0:03:55 > 0:03:58is that the reason it's gone bankrupt
0:03:58 > 0:04:01is there's a £570 million pension fund.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03And someone's got to pay the pensions to these employees.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Now, you'd think that might be
0:04:05 > 0:04:08someone who'd taken 400 million out himself, but no.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12It's another body, called the Pension Protection Fund,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- which is backed by, ooh, the taxpayer.- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Oh!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Oh, you're happy now, aren't you?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I think BHS shutting down
0:04:19 > 0:04:22is a bit like when someone tells you that someone's died
0:04:22 > 0:04:24but you thought they'd died earlier anyway.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:35See, like, Woolworths, when that went bust,
0:04:35 > 0:04:36you know, people were genuinely sad
0:04:36 > 0:04:40because they didn't know where to get their pic'n'mix.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43That was a big issue for me!
0:04:43 > 0:04:47In all seriousness, my concern is that this little episode
0:04:47 > 0:04:50damages the whole idea of entrepreneurship.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Because entrepreneurs are meant to create money.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Spread it around. This is all apparently rocketing
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- to the South of France into Monte Carlo.- Are you suggesting
0:04:59 > 0:05:02this is more like asset stripping?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- No...- I wouldn't use that phrase.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09And what about the stuff in it? Is that good?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10I don't go to BHS.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16One thing that's weird about Philip Green -
0:05:16 > 0:05:18well, I find it weird - is that
0:05:18 > 0:05:21celebrities find him irresistible, don't they?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22How much did he spend on his birthday party?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Something like £5 million.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26And everyone was there,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29but they were there cos they'd been paid.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Which the rest of us would consider, yes, tragic.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I got away with 200 quid for mine.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Erm, well, let's have a look at him with some beautiful people.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Here's a beautiful person - Liz Hurley, of course.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Here's another beautiful person.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Yeah, Rita Ora. And another beautiful person...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Yeah.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And listen, here's Sir Philip Green with another beauty.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Aww.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58But you are a long way away.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- Where did you find that?! - It's in my personal collection.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06It's a specialist website.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Does anyone know what the boss of M&S said about him
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- after his failed takeover of M&S in 2004?- Was that Stuart Rose?- Mmm.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16They came to blows, almost, outside the Dorchester, you know?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- During that...- How posh of them!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Not outside Kentucky Fried Chicken.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25He said...
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Right...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37And what's going to happen next?
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Does the parliamentary committee have the power to coerce him
0:06:42 > 0:06:45to come before them and answer questions? And apparently,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48the answer is yes. They're also talking about bringing
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Lady Christina! After all, she owns it.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Yes. No, Frank Field seems to think that he will be
0:06:56 > 0:06:59summoned to the Commons Work & Pensions Committee...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Let's have a look at him telling us about that.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07It's inconceivable that we wouldn't actually invite...
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Sir Philip Green to come.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Um...he's called us a load of effing arseholes...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I mean, that's the height of arrogance, isn't it, really?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26This is the demise of BHS and Sir Philip Green's battle
0:07:26 > 0:07:30to hold on to his title. Philip Green likes to surround himself
0:07:30 > 0:07:33with celebrities like Kate Moss, although it's less well known
0:07:33 > 0:07:36that Sir Philip has done a bit of modelling himself.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And here's what he was modelling for.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47APPLAUSE
0:07:52 > 0:07:56In 2010, David Cameron personally appointed Sir Philip Green
0:07:56 > 0:07:58as the...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Ah, 2010, the same year David Cameron personally appointed
0:08:02 > 0:08:06George Michael the Driving Safety Tsar.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09And Nick Clegg the Deputy Prime Minister.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Commenting on Sir Philip Green's handling of the BHS pension fund,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Alastair Campbell said it had...
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Well, Sir Philip, you've got a yacht, you know what to do.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26APPLAUSE
0:08:29 > 0:08:33OK, Ian and Diane, take a look at this.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35The Presidential visit.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Ugh, that's the propaganda.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Good grief, that's a selfie!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45And that's Flaky!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47We had a visit by an American president,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50which was incredibly exciting.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Um...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53It was!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57He played golf, which is...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59important on a state visit.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03And he ate two enormous meals with the royal family.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05And he advised us to stay in the EU.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06No, it was a threat!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09He said, "Unless you stay in the EU, you're going to the
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"back of the queue," which is a mistake with British people,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14cos we think, "Great, queue!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19"I'll go back again and queue up!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"This is good."
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Are these EU/US trade deals as exciting as they sound?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I'm gripped!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32I can barely sleep at night, going over the details.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35One being negotiated at the moment is...
0:09:35 > 0:09:38They're called the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Obama said, "If you don't stay in the EU,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"you don't get this brilliant deal," which is a terrible deal
0:09:44 > 0:09:46which half of Europe is trying to throw out.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47It's basically a deal that allows
0:09:47 > 0:09:49corporate America to do what it likes.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Having a go at Obama is very popular(!)
0:09:53 > 0:09:56What did the Brexit camp make of his intervention
0:09:56 > 0:09:58in support of staying in the EU? Were they pleased?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- No, they were jolly cross. - They were jolly cross.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Because all they've got is Marine Le Pen.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10What did Jeremy Corbyn discuss with Obama during the 30 sparse
0:10:10 > 0:10:12minutes that he got to spend with him? Do you know?
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I think it was global capitalism and the effect on the labour market.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17That's not far off, because
0:10:17 > 0:10:20the subject of their half-hour discussion was:
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What, and Cameron had a round of golf?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Well, I think by the time Corbyn had actually said that,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34his time was up.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Yes, a round of golf. That was next on his agenda.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43This took place just outside Watford.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46The President's retinue blended into its surroundings.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Here's the usual convey of Secret Service personnel. There they are.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53And here they are in golf-course mode.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Now, David Cameron and President Obama exchanged gifts.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05This is what Obama gave Cameron.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10A custom-made Shinola men's watch engraved with the presidential seal.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13A bison-leather duffel bag monogrammed with
0:11:13 > 0:11:14the Prime Minister's initials.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Three cans of US Open tennis balls.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19And a pair of sports towels
0:11:19 > 0:11:23personalised with the UK/US friendship flags.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Whatever they are.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Sports towels?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32It's an unsubtle message, isn't it? It's "get exercising, fatty".
0:11:35 > 0:11:37This is what David Cameron gave him.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40A volume of the complete works of Shakespeare.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Oh. That's it.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51The only thing I was interested in was, you know...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Boris mentioned this bust of Churchill...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Oh, that's right.- ..that Obama had that apparently he claimed
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- he'd had removed from his office.- Yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04But I'd be interested in having that if he's not put it back.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Cos I've got a Martin Luther King snow globe I could swap.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14Do you know how Churchill's grandson, Nicholas Soames, reacted?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Do you know what he said? - He exploded.- He was angry.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19He thought Boris was out of order to take issue with its removal,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21saying...
0:12:24 > 0:12:29- "Bogged it."- "Bogged it." Has anyone here ever bogged it?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Well, let's take a little detour. How did Ken Livingstone
0:12:33 > 0:12:35bog it this week?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38If I'm using it in the right context.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41He came out in defence of someone that the party have now suspended.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Naz Shah, who's an MP, yeah.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Naz Shah, who made some rather unfortunate
0:12:46 > 0:12:53anti-Semitic posts. But as she said, it was way back in 2014.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Which is, you know, a world away. It's like 1932, isn't it?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03The suggestion was that he said, apparently,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07that in 1932 Hitler was saying that he actually was a Zionist.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09He thought it was a jolly good idea that he wanted to ship
0:13:09 > 0:13:12all the Jews... in Germany...to Israel.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16But when you're making a speech saying that somebody else
0:13:16 > 0:13:19isn't an anti-Semite, it's best to keep the words...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Hitler" and "Jews"...
0:13:22 > 0:13:27- away from each other...on the whole. - How did Ken Livingstone avoid
0:13:27 > 0:13:31journalists after news of his suspension broke?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Put on a pair of dungarees and went home.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36No, he actually did bog it,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38because he took cover in a disabled toilet...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41which I'm assuming is the meaning of "bogging it".
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I don't know. There he is...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45nipping into one.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49And he was in there for 20 minutes while journalists shouted
0:13:49 > 0:13:51questions about Hitler at him.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I watched him being chased up the stairs by Mr Mann
0:13:56 > 0:13:59and being given a thumping, and he kept smiling.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02But it is something when you've got two Labour figures just
0:14:02 > 0:14:04screaming at each other. That footage is brilliant.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Disgusting racist! Rewriting history! You're a disgusting racist!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Are you saying it's not true? - Yes, you're a lying racist!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Really? Why don't you go and check the history?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17A Nazi apologist! A Nazi apologist!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20You're a disgusting Nazi apologist, Livingstone!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Wow!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27It's a happy party(!)
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- He's got terribly long legs, you know.- Who? Ken Livingstone?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I met him once. I met him.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I said to him, "You've got disproportionally long legs."
0:14:39 > 0:14:42It's a true story. And he said, "I know."
0:14:42 > 0:14:43He probably thought,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47"This is the weirdest chat-up line I've ever had."
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- "Disproportionately long legs." - Look at him next time.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- Very long legs. - DIANE:- That's true. I met him.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54He does have long legs. Yeah.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- Was that it?- Was that what? - All you thought?- No.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02He gave me a mince pie.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06This is Barack Obama's visit to the UK.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10David Cameron and Barack Obama enjoyed a round of golf together,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13though even the presidential golf buggy had to be followed
0:15:13 > 0:15:16by a motorcade of Secret Service men.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Still, they were on a golf course,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19that's an awful lot of grassy knolls.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Meanwhile, Ken Livingstone has been suspended from the Labour Party
0:15:26 > 0:15:31for attempting to defend Naz Shah's anti-Semitic comments.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Livingstone said...
0:15:39 > 0:15:43I'm not sure whether that was Hitler or Ken.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Teams now, here's another one.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Yes, this is the extraordinary story of Hillsborough.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Kelvin MacKenzie, the editor of the Sun.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Basically, people were demonised.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Football fans in the 1980s were seen as hooligans, drunk the whole time.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03There had been lots of pitch invasions, so therefore
0:16:03 > 0:16:05you had these fences put up. Ken Bates, the Chelsea chairman
0:16:05 > 0:16:10wanted to put up electrified fences, I remember... So this was how people viewed football fans.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13The truth of the matter is that amongst these 96 people were
0:16:13 > 0:16:16working-class people, middle-class people, people from Liverpool,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18people outside of Liverpool.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21And it took 27 years to come out.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Which sort of makes Chilcot look fast.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27This is the news that the Hillsborough families had
0:16:27 > 0:16:30succeeded in their 27-year campaign. It was celebrated on the front
0:16:30 > 0:16:33pages of the national press...
0:16:33 > 0:16:35The Guardian, the Mirror...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37The Star...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39The i...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41The Telegraph...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43And the Sun...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Absolutely no sign of Hillsborough there.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- At all.- The fact that the Murdoch papers didn't run it because of
0:16:48 > 0:16:52their embarrassment about having run headlines that said
0:16:52 > 0:16:55"The Truth..." And then they got it all wrong and they just fed
0:16:55 > 0:16:57exactly what the police said to them.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00And then they stuck to that line for years.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I mean, there was extraordinary collaboration to make sure
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- there was one story put out.- After the tragedy, 164 police statements
0:17:06 > 0:17:09submitted to the Justice Taylor report were altered
0:17:09 > 0:17:13and most of the alterations were to remove criticism of the police operation.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17And senior officers' lack of leadership.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20If you want to learn more about the findings of the Hillsborough inquest,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23you can read in-depth analysis on the BBC website
0:17:23 > 0:17:26and if you want to know less, then read the Sun.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And so, to round two, The One-Armed Bandit of News.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Bloop!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46BUZZER
0:17:46 > 0:17:48This is the astronaut in space, Tim Peake, is it?
0:17:48 > 0:17:52And 26 miles, he ran round the... On a little sort of space thing there.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- Do you mean a treadmill?- Treadmill. Actually, if he stands still,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00he does more than 26 miles, cos he's orbiting the earth, so he's...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Yeah, he ran the marathon cos the cameras were on him
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and he ran and ran and ran and everybody was very happy at the end.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- That's nothing compared to you, is it? A marathon?- No.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- You did how many?- 135 miles.- Yeah, just like that.- In an hour...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16In an hour?!
0:18:16 > 0:18:17That's fantastic!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Oh, all right...
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Were you parachuting out of a plane?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Seven days.- Seven days.- Yes.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- You had sticks? - I had sticks?
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- I saw you with the sticks.- Oh, yeah, I know, but...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Were they helpful?- They are quite helpful but I didn't really use them
0:18:36 > 0:18:39very much because they make you look like a twat.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44No, they really do.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48People are thinking, "Is she skiing? There's no snow, what is she doing?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53- It does look like...- You might have been approaching a giant Chinese meal.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58Actually, Tim Peake, he broke a world record for running a marathon in space.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Was he dressed up?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Tim Peake?- It seems like he's showing-off, really, you know,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09he's already in space, why run a marathon?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Yeah, you're right.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14How do you even run a marathon in zero gravity?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- He was strapped down so he didn't float away.- OK.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20You mustn't leave the window open.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27That's right. They strapped me to the treadmill
0:19:27 > 0:19:29but that's cos I kept trying to get away!
0:19:29 > 0:19:34Back down here on earth, who slightly undermined Tim's incredible achievement?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37All those other people in the marathon.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Yeah, well, there was one man called Martin Hewlett who set the
0:19:40 > 0:19:46Guinness World Record for the fastest earth marathon dressed as an astronaut.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Running in a costume that can be dangerously dehydrating,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52here he is before the race.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54That's him in the middle.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Here he is after finishing.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Although, I think in terms of suffering,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I'm not sure anyone beats this guy.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I know what you're thinking, but don't worry,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14a bloke dressed as Simon of Cyrene came and took it off him soon after.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Have I got my Bible facts right there, Ian?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Terrific.- Great to hear a Simon of Cyrene joke.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24There've been very few for about 2,000 years!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Simon of Cyrene walks into a pub and says...
0:20:29 > 0:20:32"I'll take your pint off you."
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Why did this lady, Betty Barker
0:20:34 > 0:20:38think Tim Peake was drunk last Christmas Eve?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40She works in his local pub?
0:20:41 > 0:20:46He came in, he said, "I'm going into space next year."
0:20:46 > 0:20:48He called her from the Space Station by mistake
0:20:48 > 0:20:50after getting the wrong number on his space phone
0:20:50 > 0:20:52when he was trying to call home.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Oh. She was lucky there was a photographer there
0:20:54 > 0:20:56to capture the moment.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01APPLAUSE
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Well, Betty Barker thought he was a drunken reveller
0:21:04 > 0:21:06looking for a good time.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11She's optimistic, old Betty, isn't she?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13And she said...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23And she said...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- That was quite picky. - It is a bit.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Extraterrestrials may have been trying to contact us for decades...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38..but speak to the wrong people.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Betty Barker fucked it up.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Anyway...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Finally, shall we see how Tim Peake is inspiring a nation of youngsters
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- to reach for the stars?- Absolutely.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Here we go.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- You look like an astronaut - are you going to be an astronaut?- No.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00OK. Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Your four are a spelling test for schoolchildren,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Bernie Clifton's new album,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08the Sinner's Bible
0:22:08 > 0:22:13and the village of Mela Thiruvenkatanathapuram in India.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- That's a... - APPLAUSE
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Very good.- Thank you.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Is that the place that's got a railway station
0:22:20 > 0:22:21where they say, "We're here."
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Erm... So, spelling tests.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Wasn't there something the other week
0:22:25 > 0:22:28about there were some kids had been given a spelling test
0:22:28 > 0:22:29they'd already seen?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32The real test happened to be exactly the same - is that the story?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- Yes.- That's that. OK. So the Sinner's Bible...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37That was an early Bible, where it had a misprint in it.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- Ah, yes. - And in the Ten Commandments,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43instead of saying "thou shalt...not kill", they'd left the "not" out.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Was it kill, or adultery?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- That was adultery.- It was adultery. That's why people got excited,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50because...
0:22:50 > 0:22:51It said "thou shalt commit".
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Did you say Bernie Clifton's got a new album out?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Yes, he has. - And what's interesting?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00They printed the songs of a death-metal band
0:23:00 > 0:23:02instead of his own titles.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06There must be a spelling mistake in the name of that town then?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- I think I've got it.- Test for the children, because it's been changed.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- That's the odd one out. - That is the right answer.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15In all the other three cases...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- There have bee... - A misprint, a mistake.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Yes, that's right. Absolutely. - Whereas, with this town,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- they've got it completely right.- No, no.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- I said that Paul had got it right. - What you asking him for?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- You might as well ask the cat. - I said before he'd got it right.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32But between you you've got it, so one point each.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34They've all featured misprints,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38except the spelling test for UK seven-year-olds,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40which appeared online correctly before the exam took place.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41- NICK:- Ah.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Do you know how the error was discovered?- Somebody spotted it.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Correct. A primary school teacher noticed that...
0:23:55 > 0:23:59One would hope that at least one of them would.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Where do they get this knowledge from?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05And we've already mentioned the mix-up
0:24:05 > 0:24:09at the launch of veteran entertainer Bernie Clifton's new album.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Can you explain why he's on an ostrich?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- That was his act. Those aren't his legs.- No.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16No, don't give it away!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21The magic is spilling out.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24You're making me feel stupid now.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Bernie's album's been misprinted with a track listing, as you said,
0:24:28 > 0:24:29of the new album belonging to
0:24:29 > 0:24:32death-metal band Abhorrent Decimation.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Cheery Bernie Clifton said...
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Well, not to your face, mate.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Bernie's trying to relaunch his career,
0:24:47 > 0:24:48but with one big difference - what is it?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- He's not doing the ostrich any more? - That's right, he's ditched it.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Really?- Mm. And he says this...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03But you kept giving to them, Bernie - you whore.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:25:10 > 0:25:15which this week features as its guest publication Deposits Magazine.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18The magazine of rocks, fossils and geology.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Which, when it comes to its own content,
0:25:20 > 0:25:21can't always make its mind up...
0:25:25 > 0:25:27And we start with...
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Knock Keith Chegwin's confidence.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40This is the story of Reza Beluchi,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43who attempted to walk across the ocean from Florida to Bermuda
0:25:43 > 0:25:46in a large inflatable plastic bubble.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49After being rescued by the coastguard,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Beluchi popped the bubble and stepped out of it, saying,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"I feel like I've really let myself down."
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I think it was "the dinosaurs died out",
0:26:02 > 0:26:05but I heard they "dined out for no apparent reason".
0:26:05 > 0:26:07No. It is, in fact...
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Brexit.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- Exactly. The dinosaurs' departure... - Tyrannosaurus Brexit!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18AUDIENCE GROANS Thank you very much indeed.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Finally...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- Nick:- Chokes.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Is it there's nothing missing? "Man with giant foot"?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- No, there is. It's...- Yeah?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43A traffic warden in South London ticketed a giant foot
0:26:43 > 0:26:45that parked outside Balham Tube Station.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Here's the traffic warden
0:26:47 > 0:26:48giving the foot a parking ticket.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54To be fair, the foot had just broken down
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and it was waiting for a "toe truck".
0:26:58 > 0:27:01So, the final scores are -
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Paul and Nick have 5,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06but Ian and Diane have 7.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09APPLAUSE
0:27:12 > 0:27:14But before we go,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Bet you a quid I can lose my hand.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Don't put your keys in me - I'm not a handbag yet!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Ian Hislop and Diane Morgan, Paul Merton and Nick Hewer.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38And I leave you with news that, after drastic budget cuts,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40it looks like the next StarWars movie
0:27:40 > 0:27:42could be a little disappointing.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50In Cambridge, a long-running feud in the council traffic department
0:27:50 > 0:27:52escalates to full-on civil war.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00And in Glasgow, there's terror as the police are called in
0:28:00 > 0:28:04to identify a mysterious and suspicious package.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Goodnight!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE