:00:37. > :00:50.evidence that Britain's loneliest man is being a little too
:00:51. > :01:00.In Glasgow, as Rangers are promoted back to the Premier League
:01:01. > :01:02.to play Celtic again, one group of workers
:01:03. > :01:13.calculate the effect on their overtime payments.
:01:14. > :01:15.And there's consternation in the Beckham household
:01:16. > :01:17.as the children's entertainer booked for Harper's fifth birthday
:01:18. > :01:33.On Ian's team tonight, a comedian in his 20s
:01:34. > :01:36.who ends his blog with the words "Wang Out".
:01:37. > :01:39.As opposed to when he's on Snapchat, "Wang Out" is how he starts.
:01:40. > :01:52.A journalist and broadcaster who says she's always complaining
:01:53. > :01:58.It's a constant infuriating racket - and the leaf blower's the only
:01:59. > :02:07.And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
:02:08. > :02:11.Paul and Janet, take a look at this.
:02:12. > :02:13.Yes, this is the triumph of the Foxes.
:02:14. > :02:22.Hang on, David Tennant, isn't that you?
:02:23. > :02:24.I was Richard the second, not Richard III.
:02:25. > :02:30.You do rather resemble the statue of Richard III.
:02:31. > :02:34.I don't own a hat like that.
:02:35. > :02:43.Aren't they owned by incredibly rich oligarchs
:02:44. > :02:46.I think they are owned by a Thai millionaire.
:02:47. > :02:48.I'm considering this a win for Southeast
:02:49. > :02:51.So it's not really a rags to riches story?
:02:52. > :02:53.It's more sort of riches to more riches.
:02:54. > :03:00.The captain's already writing his life story,
:03:01. > :03:03.He's sold it for a great deal of money.
:03:04. > :03:16.I did a lot of work before this thing.
:03:17. > :03:20."This thing"? to this programme,
:03:21. > :03:23.I thought, football is coming up, I really need
:03:24. > :03:32.The only thing I read about it that really interests me is
:03:33. > :03:38.that before the game they have Buddhist monks who...
:03:39. > :03:40.This is probably a doping story, it's certainly cheating...
:03:41. > :03:43.The Buddhist monks come in and chant and pray for
:03:44. > :04:01.They've also challenged conventional wisdom
:04:02. > :04:03.because they played most of the time without the ball.
:04:04. > :04:11.It means they are statistically in possession for
:04:12. > :04:15.The Buddhist monks pray and the ball just floats
:04:16. > :04:19.It's a Thai technique, you wouldn't understand.
:04:20. > :04:23.This is starting to get quite confusing.
:04:24. > :04:36.I'm sure you've all seen Leicester players
:04:37. > :04:39.celebrating at Jamie Vardy's house just after they became champions.
:04:40. > :04:59.They say the Premier League is overhyped these
:05:00. > :05:02.days and people get too excited about it, so let's compare those
:05:03. > :05:05.Leicester players with some footage taken in the home of Lee Chapman
:05:06. > :05:08.from Leeds United and his team-mates, just
:05:09. > :05:12.minutes after they'd won the league title in 1992.
:05:13. > :05:14.It's a champagne occasion and we're in the
:05:15. > :05:25.The celebrations in Leicester were widely reported.
:05:26. > :05:27.Steve Hurst went out to soak up the atmosphere
:05:28. > :05:30.with his cocker spaniel, Daisy, wearing a miniature Leicester
:05:31. > :05:40.He said "She's got one of her own but she's just had nine
:05:41. > :05:43.granddaughter's. so she's wearing my
:05:44. > :05:46.Hasn't Gary Lineker said he's going to present Match of the Day in
:05:47. > :05:51.Isn't he available now he's just got divorced?
:05:52. > :05:56.I think David Cameron's encouraged him to do it.
:05:57. > :06:02.The question was asked in Parliament and he said
:06:03. > :06:04.I'm glad they're tackling the important
:06:05. > :06:11.What has top Leicester butcher Keith Ashmore done as a
:06:12. > :06:16.It's bound to be a sausage, isn't it?
:06:17. > :06:22.That would be delicious, wouldn't it?
:06:23. > :06:27.He's actually introduced a range of blue sausages.
:06:28. > :06:34.He should save his money and buy a better wig.
:06:35. > :06:38.That's not actually Keith, that the
:06:39. > :06:44.Who's going to give you a really good review after
:06:45. > :07:03.Aren't some of them struggling to make a living?
:07:04. > :07:06.Middling Devon butcher, Paul Kenyon,
:07:07. > :07:07.who produced his own purple sausage
:07:08. > :07:13.as a tribute to Prince, who died recently.
:07:14. > :07:16.The animal rights group Peta have asked him to withdraw his
:07:17. > :07:32.I think we'd all aspire to that wouldn't we?
:07:33. > :07:39.By the way, I've met Prince and that sausage is about ten times
:07:40. > :07:45.the size of what he had in his pants.
:07:46. > :07:51.Do I have to remind you again this is not Loose Women?
:07:52. > :07:57.The body's not even cold, Janet.
:07:58. > :07:59.Yes, this is the shock result that has turned
:08:00. > :08:04.even non-football fans like myself into experts.
:08:05. > :08:10.Leicester Rovers have won the Premier division couple.
:08:11. > :08:12.Leicester Rovers have won the Premier division Cup.
:08:13. > :08:16.And to think, none of it would have happened if the previous manager
:08:17. > :08:19.hadn't left the club after his son was sacked for filming his mates
:08:20. > :08:22.having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.
:08:23. > :08:28.Jamie Vardy once played for a local Steelworkers team
:08:29. > :08:31.Before he quit to pursue his ambition of
:08:32. > :08:39.It's an impossible dream, how will you feed your family,
:08:40. > :08:41.Vardy warned the Steelworkers as he left.
:08:42. > :08:48.Swinging quite a long way to
:08:49. > :08:54.That's how big his head is in psychological terms.
:08:55. > :09:01.That is the official Republican candidate.
:09:02. > :09:03.So it's possible he'll be the next president of
:09:04. > :09:07.It felt like that was quite hard to get out.
:09:08. > :09:10.I was about to say, he's about to meet Prime Minister
:09:11. > :09:18.There's an online petition to ban him from
:09:19. > :09:28.I think the argument was we should let him come over, listen to
:09:29. > :09:31.It's the more traditional British response.
:09:32. > :09:34.No, we need some freedom of speech, we've got to hear Trump's
:09:35. > :09:36.views, because they change minute to minute.
:09:37. > :09:37.No idea what he's going to
:09:38. > :09:44.He actually ended one rally thanking the poorly educated for
:09:45. > :09:51.Yes, this is the news of another rank outsider as Trump
:09:52. > :09:57.Trump made a victory speech. out of the race,
:09:58. > :10:02.We are going to start winning again and we're going to win bigly.
:10:03. > :10:08.What's being sold at Donald Trump rallies that's causing
:10:09. > :10:32.LAUGHTER I'm quoting what he's doing I'm not
:10:33. > :10:46.He's got no women voting for him, no ethnic vote.
:10:47. > :10:53.Anyway, who says elections aren't fun?
:10:54. > :10:54.Meanwhile, back home, the
:10:55. > :10:57.But we unfortunately happened yesterday and have no
:10:58. > :11:03.So let's talk about how Labour's anti-Semitism problem
:11:04. > :11:08.It's working a treat, he got a landslide.
:11:09. > :11:10.If you're watching the repeat and he
:11:11. > :11:20.LAUGHTER Alan Johnston was very funny.
:11:21. > :11:22.He said, there's no Labour problem that
:11:23. > :11:23.cannot be made worse by Ken
:11:24. > :11:29.The number of Labour members
:11:30. > :11:30.suspended for anti-Semitism and
:11:31. > :11:36.racism since Corbyn took over as leader is now 18.
:11:37. > :11:40.Doesn't that make him the best ever anti-semite
:11:41. > :11:48.Does Jeremy Corbyn know
:11:49. > :11:58.No, there's footage of him, isn't there?
:11:59. > :12:00.Yes, because him going in would
:12:01. > :12:06.Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do about the perceived anti-Semitism in
:12:07. > :12:11.Mr Corbyn, what are you going to do about the perception
:12:12. > :12:20.your party is anti-Semitic and the criticisms from Andy Burnham?
:12:21. > :12:23.Hi, good morning, very nice to see you.
:12:24. > :12:29.LAUGHTER Did someone change the code?
:12:30. > :12:31.Has there been a coup and no one told
:12:32. > :12:35.Throwing his clothes out the top floor window.
:12:36. > :12:39.Get out, there's your cycling helmet.
:12:40. > :12:41.Here is London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith
:12:42. > :12:44.demonstrating how you should handle tough questions from the media.
:12:45. > :12:46.I'm a Bollywood fan, so anything with a
:12:47. > :12:52.You say you are Bollywood fan, do you have a favourite actor,
:12:53. > :13:01.No, I'm not going to give you one, I can't think
:13:02. > :13:04.Think of a single Bollywood film or actor.
:13:05. > :13:07.I can't think of a favourite, I love the whole...
:13:08. > :13:09.Almost everything about Bollywood, I love
:13:10. > :13:12.the atmosphere, the colour, the excitement, I want as much
:13:13. > :13:15.Bollywood as possible here in London.
:13:16. > :13:30.Nothing. Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city has come
:13:31. > :13:34.to an end after eight years. So let's take the opportunity
:13:35. > :13:51.to look back at his time in office I am thick as... LAUGHTER
:13:52. > :14:02.These contraceptive devices don't work. LAUGHTER
:14:03. > :14:06.What about this one? Who's the joke? This next one.
:14:07. > :14:08.That is Boris Johnson having trouble with
:14:09. > :14:13.Thank you(!) He got trapped on a zip wire, for anybody else, it
:14:14. > :14:16.would mean the end of his career, but with Boris, they just said,
:14:17. > :14:28.The time he was up there coincided with London running very smoothly.
:14:29. > :14:52.A lot of people did notice the similarity when the picture
:14:53. > :15:00.was posted on Twitter by an account called Whores of Yore.
:15:01. > :15:03.I think that is a man in drag, actually, the more I look at it.
:15:04. > :15:13.Yes, this is Donald Trump's triumph in Indiana.
:15:14. > :15:16.This week Donald Trump made the bizarre claim that
:15:17. > :15:19.Ted Cruz's father was linked to the assassination of JFK.
:15:20. > :15:22.A foolish move, even by Trump's standards, as it it reminded people
:15:23. > :15:28.that if all else fails, presidents can be assassinated.
:15:29. > :15:31.Meanwhile, Britain has been in the grip of local election fever...
:15:32. > :15:46.As the polls opened, Labour mobilised thousands
:15:47. > :15:52.of volunteers who were soon pounding the streets, knocking on doors,
:15:53. > :15:54.desperately trying to find Ken Livingstone, sedate him
:15:55. > :15:59.This week, we are delving into some of the latest breakthroughs
:16:00. > :16:01.from the cutting edge of science and technology.
:16:02. > :16:15.That looks like the cheapest prop from Doctor Who.
:16:16. > :16:23.Fingers on buzzers, teams, here we go...
:16:24. > :16:32.Eric Pickles has been reincarnated...
:16:33. > :16:44.It is Labradors are flabaradors, they're the fattest pets.
:16:45. > :16:47.Boffins say that poor old labradors have a genetic predisposition,
:16:48. > :16:50.every time they see a plate of food they have to eat it and they have
:16:51. > :16:56.That makes them exactly like 75% of the British population!
:16:57. > :17:11.University found that 25% of Labradors carried a faulty gene
:17:12. > :17:13.which means they are programmed to overeat.
:17:14. > :17:17.How can you exploit fat Labradors, essentially...?
:17:18. > :17:35.because they are more motivated to work for a titbit.
:17:36. > :17:37.Shall we have a look at a labrador recovering after a gruelling
:17:38. > :17:51.Sounds like Boris Johnson's telling his wife that he can't
:17:52. > :18:04.That's not somebody around the corner with a vacuum cleaner?
:18:05. > :18:09.There you are, that's why he's the editor of Private Eye.
:18:10. > :18:17.Experts studied the drool from 310 fat dogs.
:18:18. > :18:19.If you want to collect drool from a fat cat,
:18:20. > :18:22.that's usually on Kate Moss's neck after a Philip Green party.
:18:23. > :18:47.Top boffins have said that the Borrowers could never happen.
:18:48. > :18:50.Because of scaling, shrinking a human down,
:18:51. > :18:53.the surface area would not be right, they would lose too much heat,
:18:54. > :18:55.they would not be able to maintain their heat,
:18:56. > :19:03.This is news that scientists have proven that if a human was the size
:19:04. > :19:06.of one of the characters from The Borrowers,
:19:07. > :19:15.Intra-oral time difference, does that mean anything to you?
:19:16. > :19:21.LAUGHTER to on the weekend!
:19:22. > :19:23.It is the adjustment your brain makes for sound to reach
:19:24. > :19:26.the left and right ears, if you are that tiny,
:19:27. > :19:29.Finally, despite what these scientists may be claiming,
:19:30. > :19:33.how did a real-life Borrower nearly miss out on a job this week?
:19:34. > :19:36.There aren't any real-life borrowers.
:19:37. > :19:40.After a typo in his job application, a Mr O'Neill had to get a doctor's
:19:41. > :19:45.certificate to prove that he was not 17cm tall.
:19:46. > :19:52.it meant his body mass index was 146,000.
:19:53. > :20:04.Is it something to do with his phone?
:20:05. > :20:12.Is it people crossing the road without looking,
:20:13. > :20:14.they are putting traffic lights on the floor.
:20:15. > :20:21.This is the news that a town in Germany is putting traffic
:20:22. > :20:23.so that people busy sending text messages
:20:24. > :20:32.This is the German town of Augsburg, they have installed traffic lights
:20:33. > :20:39.on the ground to stop texters wandering onto the tram tracks.
:20:40. > :20:42.To warn pedestrians there are 16 red LED lights embedded in the pavement,
:20:43. > :20:46.and to make sure Germans spot them, they are the size of a beer mat,
:20:47. > :20:49.and the shape of a sausage(!) Time now for the Odd One Out Round,
:20:50. > :20:52.just one between new this week, your four are: Sir Philip Green;
:20:53. > :20:54.John Virgo and Jim Davidson; Sir Winston Churchill;
:20:55. > :21:06.They all have a heart, except, Sir Philip...
:21:07. > :21:10.John Virgo was told off for swearing live during snooker.
:21:11. > :21:18.You're right, he was called out during the snooker championships.
:21:19. > :21:20.It wasn't John's fault, the microphones were left up,
:21:21. > :21:22.and crucially, someone was still awake, so...
:21:23. > :21:29.Can we have a clue? Mousetrap.
:21:30. > :21:33.They have all heard board games made of themselves.
:21:34. > :21:36.Nudging very close to the correct answer.
:21:37. > :21:38.They have all had a board game apart from...
:21:39. > :21:43.They have all featured in a board game apart from
:21:44. > :21:48.whose businesses appeared on a specially made Monopoly set
:21:49. > :21:52.given to him by his wife, Tina, on his 50th birthday.
:21:53. > :21:55.According to the Sunday Times, in 2003, the names of the London
:21:56. > :22:05.Is that corner square still there, that says, "Go to
:22:06. > :22:12.jail, go directly to jail, do not take a knighthood."
:22:13. > :22:14.The Parliamentary committee on pensions has insisted
:22:15. > :22:15.that Sir Phillip Green must meet
:22:16. > :22:17.them to face questions, how has he
:22:18. > :22:29.Jim Davidson and John Virgo featured in the board game spin off
:22:30. > :22:31.from the television show, Big Break.
:22:32. > :22:33.According to Wikipedia, the show was renowned
:22:34. > :22:39.for its light-hearted and comedic tone for seven reasons,
:22:40. > :22:42.one of these was the chemistry between Davidson and Virgo.
:22:43. > :22:50.The Winston Churchill board game, I played that as a boy.
:22:51. > :22:56.It took five years, but we got there in the end!
:22:57. > :22:58.You played it on the beaches, didn't you?
:22:59. > :23:04.APPLAUSE Anyone have any idea of the rules?
:23:05. > :23:10.Are you leader of Britain during World War II?
:23:11. > :23:18.It recreated the tension and drama of the conferences between
:23:19. > :23:21.Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin towards the end of World War II.
:23:22. > :23:24.One review states, "a session will require a minimum three hours
:23:25. > :23:26.plus for the tournament game and may take a whole day
:23:27. > :23:37.I just can't wait, come on, get on with it.
:23:38. > :23:40.There is also a new app being launched of Churchill's
:23:41. > :23:45.Interestingly, the app was devised by 84-year-old
:23:46. > :23:48.Donald Rumsfeld, yes, that one, although what he had actually said
:23:49. > :23:56.Cavity Sam was the name given to the character on the table
:23:57. > :24:02.The BBC also released a Doctor Who version of Operation,
:24:03. > :24:13.I could be doing Shakespeare tonight, instead of this sort!
:24:14. > :24:32.LAUGHTER Time now for the missing words round, this week featuring
:24:33. > :24:34.as its guest publication Bottleship Magazine, the magazine
:24:35. > :24:36.of the European Association of ships in bottles.
:24:37. > :24:40.And we start with: but you won't know how...!
:24:41. > :24:49.What sort of business plan with that be?
:24:50. > :24:54.We ain't got any animals, but we got $40 here...
:24:55. > :25:28.One of Russia's commemoratives eternal flames was replaced
:25:29. > :25:30.with a cardboard cutout, hoping that nobody would notice,
:25:31. > :25:53.He just seemed everyone was using blue tack.
:25:54. > :25:54.That is a good birth control device.
:25:55. > :26:10.LAUGHTER Do you need a hand getting off that chair afterwards.
:26:11. > :26:29.Other sticky contraceptives are available.
:26:30. > :26:32.Yes, Alan has explained at great length how useful Blu-Tack
:26:33. > :26:36.is in constructing a ship in a bottle.
:26:37. > :26:43.Alan is well-known for his love of proverbs.
:26:44. > :27:01.In trendy parts of London, they want milk in bottles
:27:02. > :27:10.Thanks to London hipsters, Milkman makes a comeback.
:27:11. > :27:24.Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twit.
:27:25. > :27:30.The final scores, it is a draw, six points each!
:27:31. > :27:37.On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
:27:38. > :27:39.Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
:27:40. > :27:42.We leave you with news that at a stand-up comedy
:27:43. > :27:44.festival in Gloucester, dozens walk out as Britain's
:27:45. > :27:50.edgiest comic crosses the line once too often.
:27:51. > :27:52.In Westminster, after another U-turn, David Cameron is spotted
:27:53. > :28:02.And as the British archery team unveiled their squad for Rio,
:28:03. > :28:04.they begin to regret that Vivienne Westwood
:28:05. > :28:08.was asked to design the official Olympic kit.