0:00:30 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Frankie Boyle.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:46at an earth-shattering press conference,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49the Queen and Prince Philip reveal that David Icke was right all along.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56After Beyonce gets a flat tyre,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59the bloke at the garage tries a little too hard to impress her.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And at the BBC, news reaches the dressing room
0:01:07 > 0:01:10that Piers Morgan has pulled out of Question Time.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24On Ian's team tonight is a trenchant journalist and author
0:01:24 > 0:01:26who's been compared to Katie Hopkins,
0:01:26 > 0:01:27although, unlike Katie Hopkins,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29she still has a reflection.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Please welcome talkRADIO's Julia Hartley-Brewer.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:45And with Paul tonight is the writer and star of BBC sitcom Citizen Khan.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49He's never a shared a stage with extremists - until tonight.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Please welcome Adil Ray.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Paul and Adil, take a look at this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Ah, yes, this is the new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07and there's Jeremy Corbyn,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09probably on his way to vote and...do it again, would you?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Thank you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14That's the...not going around in circles
0:02:14 > 0:02:16and that's the sort of thing you need to do
0:02:16 > 0:02:18when you want to get your picture in the paper.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22So, yes, lots of people getting out and voting. Yeah.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25This is the various elections we've had -
0:02:25 > 0:02:27this is the election of Sadiq Khan as London mayor
0:02:27 > 0:02:31and the massive resurgence of the Tories in Scotland
0:02:31 > 0:02:33that put them into quite a poor second.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Uh...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Did you follow the London mayor debate?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I did, yes, followed it with great delight.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42But on behalf of all Muslims...
0:02:42 > 0:02:46That's what I do - as a Muslim, we talk on behalf of all of us.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50And there is 1.6 billion of us
0:02:50 > 0:02:53and I've spoken to them all before we came on tonight.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58We're not very happy because he's not a proper Muslim.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00No beard. In fact,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02you'd be a better Muslim than Sadiq Khan, I think.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I'm in. If you're wondering where my beard is,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07they wouldn't let me through security with it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10JULIA: The problem with Sadiq Khan is we don't know enough about him.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14We don't know about his background. I mean, what did his father do for a living?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Nothing. Nothing.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20There was quite a sad moment where Paul Golding,
0:03:20 > 0:03:21who is the head of Britain First,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25he turned his back on Sadiq Khan during his acceptance speech.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29I thought it'd be good if he'd accidentally turned to face Mecca.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That's quite possibly what's happening, yeah.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34He went, on the first day,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36straight to a Holocaust memorial service, didn't he?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Yes, that was...
0:03:37 > 0:03:41That was convenient, wasn't it? Yeah. And good.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44He also spent the entire first day not meeting Jeremy Corbyn,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46and the second day, and the third day -
0:03:46 > 0:03:48there wasn't actually a meeting until Monday evening.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Doesn't want to share a platform with extremists any more.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53I interviewed Sadiq Khan, actually,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56on my talkRADIO show - thought I'd get that in...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58TalkRadio show? TalkRadio show, yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I interviewed all the candidates and I said to him,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"Would a victory for Sadiq Khan for the London Mayor
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"be a victory for Jeremy Corbyn's leadership of the Labour Party?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and Sadiq Khan said, "Is that the time?"
0:04:09 > 0:04:12ADIL: What, was it prayer time, was it?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Get used to that - get used to that.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Sadiq Khan can walk out of any interview, any time.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"Sorry, prayer time." Good on you, Sadiq.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23The Conservative candidate, Zac Goldsmith,
0:04:23 > 0:04:26was thought by many to have run a divisive campaign,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28but what happened to Lynton Crosby,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30the man who ran his campaign, this week?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33He got knighted. He was knighted -
0:04:33 > 0:04:36perhaps to put his Islamophobic campaign
0:04:36 > 0:04:39into the context of the Crusades.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I must say at this point
0:04:43 > 0:04:47that Sadiq did have to apologise during the campaign
0:04:47 > 0:04:52for calling moderate Muslims "Uncle Toms" a couple of years ago.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I just...you know, this is balance,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and I don't want Whippingdale - Whittingdale...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01..making a fuss about it.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I just...I just throw that in. You know, there is...is...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08There are things to say on both sides.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13What camping metaphor did Sadiq Khan use to describe Labour's future?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"We have to appeal to people outside of our own tents."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Yeah, that's almost exactly it, he said...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24..to which Jeremy Corbyn quickly responded...
0:05:29 > 0:05:33It's just that everybody else is outside pissing into it.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38What are they saying? They want us all to go to go camping with them?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Because I ain't sharing a tent with Diane Abbott.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I don't know about you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Hasn't bothered me in the past.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Can you tell what's going on here?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Is it the man on the right,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54as we look, is incredibly strong,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and he's lifting up all the others?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Are these Scottish Tories? I can see some ginger hair.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02No offence.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Is that the first time anyone's said "no offence" to Frankie Boyle?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09None taken.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14These are some new members of the Scottish Parliament.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18This is Edward Mountain, MSP for Highlands and Islands.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21What special skill does he have that involves a cow?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I do actually know this one. He is...he is qualified
0:06:28 > 0:06:31to artificially inseminate cows.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32How do you know that?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Correct answer. Next up, we've got Lib Dem MSP Willie Rennie.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42He's been a runner-up in the Scottish Championships
0:06:42 > 0:06:43for carrying what?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45A grudge.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48That's a hotly-contested field.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52He was runner-up in
0:06:52 > 0:06:56the 2006 Scottish Coal Carrying Championships.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Ah - one way of keeping warm without burning it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01In Scotland, there was a strong SNP vote
0:07:01 > 0:07:03from the Scottish people who hate Britain,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07a big Tory vote from the Scottish people who hate Scottish people,
0:07:07 > 0:07:09and a small Labour vote
0:07:09 > 0:07:11from the Scottish people who hate themselves.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17No-one can call the BBC biased tonight(!)
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Jeremy Corbyn didn't do well in Scotland
0:07:20 > 0:07:23because people in Scotland don't trust anyone who looks old
0:07:23 > 0:07:24but still has teeth.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Ian and Julia, take a look at this.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Oh, free pasties for everyone.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Sorry, missed that.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Cheers, yes - they don't like it up 'em.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40And we're all going to die in World War III.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44That's brilliant - nice, cheery news from the EU Referendum campaign(!)
0:07:44 > 0:07:46This stage in the campaign, you've got to up it,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48so you've basically got to tell people
0:07:48 > 0:07:50it's death and bubonic plague.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53And that's what'll happen if you leave.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55The thing I find strange is how much war has got involved with this,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57because we had Boris Johnson
0:07:57 > 0:08:00singing Ode To Joy in German this week.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03We've had Ken Livingstone, who's got, like, Hitler Tourette's,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05he keeps mentioning it,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08and we've got Cameron talking about World War III.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I just don't know what's gone wrong in the last week.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12This is day one, war and genocide,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15surely it's just going to end with Cameron screaming "Ebola"
0:08:15 > 0:08:17through a rolled-up newspaper.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20No, you would think that, you know,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22if he really believed that as soon as we leave the EU
0:08:22 > 0:08:24there'll be a world war...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Just don't have the referendum, then.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28He did say just a few months ago that he was considering...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30He didn't know which way he was going to go,
0:08:30 > 0:08:31depending on the reforms he got.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Now he's saying "catastrophic", "death and destruction".
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Are you suggesting he's...exaggerating?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I'm suggesting that he's a liar.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43I just can't work out if he's doing it now or he did it then.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Or both. Or both.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50You get every American general or spy chief, comes in and says,
0:08:50 > 0:08:51"You must remain."
0:08:51 > 0:08:52No, but it's bizarre,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54because they keep saying it's really important
0:08:54 > 0:08:56that we stay in this political union with the EU,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and yet, bizarrely, are not in a political union
0:08:59 > 0:09:00with Mexico themselves.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02They're planning to build a wall, so what's that about?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It's just Trump who's planning to build a wall, isn't it? Oh, OK.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I don't think it's official US policy yet.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12The bricklayers' union have been really strong on it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Well, a lot of them are Mexicans.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19What have ITV done to upset
0:09:19 > 0:09:22approximately half the Brexit people?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Oh, ITV have decided to put Nigel Farage up
0:09:25 > 0:09:28for one of their big debates, so they've upset Vote Leave.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Vote Leave are now threatening to sue,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32because they say they're the official campaign
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and therefore it should be them and not Nigel Farage
0:09:35 > 0:09:37who gets to choose who goes up.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Vote Leave would rather have Boris?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Anyone. Literally anyone.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Ken Livingstone shouting "Hitler" every three minutes
0:09:43 > 0:09:45they would prefer.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48And when we've veered off into the world of TV,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51what has John Whittingdale hit us up with this week?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52A damn-good thrashing?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58He's come up with the White Paper on broadcasting,
0:09:58 > 0:10:03which is not as extreme as was trailed.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04As so often with the Government,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07they've said they're going to do one thing and then people have said,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"That's a terrible idea," and they've said,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"Oh, really? Oh, right. We won't do it,"
0:10:11 > 0:10:13which is very good news.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16But isn't there something quite strange in a government
0:10:16 > 0:10:17that isn't talking to junior doctors
0:10:17 > 0:10:20getting wound up about what time Strictly comes on?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Well, Whittingdale and Strictly are two words you should...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I did notice there was something about...
0:10:29 > 0:10:31He did say, "We don't mind Strictly, but perhaps not Bargain Hunt."
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I think that was actually mentioned in the White Paper.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It's just some old blokes just choosing what they like, isn't it?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39What about if the BBC's popular programmes
0:10:39 > 0:10:41had a kind of handicap system?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43So they could make a property programme,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45but it had to be set in the Gaza Strip.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Homes Under The Hamas.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55For reasons that will become clear,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58although they are admittedly extremely tenuous,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01let's have a look at a block of flats being demolished in Glasgow,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04as seen through the camera lens of one excited onlooker.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:26 > 0:11:30This week saw the official launch of the EU referendum campaigns.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32David Cameron has implied that leaving the EU
0:11:32 > 0:11:33could lead to World War III,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37whereas Nigel Farage is hoping for a rerun of World War II.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42This week, we saw the one sure sign a referendum is on its way,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45as Gordon Brown was brought out of retirement
0:11:45 > 0:11:48to dance on a ball like an old, abused circus bear.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57You just can't let it go, can you?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Paul and Adil, here's another one for you.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Yes.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04It's the Queen with the Chinese President, Hu.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06The President.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09There's Prince Philip doing the barest minimum.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Yeah, so it's about leaks, essentially, isn't it?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Well, not leaks, but sort of overheard conversations, isn't it?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Cameron also talked about corrupt government leaders
0:12:17 > 0:12:19arriving for a conference and stuff.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Yes, this is the Prime Minister and the Queen have been caught on camera
0:12:22 > 0:12:24sticking it to the jolly old foreigners.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I mean, it's an incredible story.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31The Prime Minister was caught on camera telling the truth.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32JULIA: He's apologised.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Shall we have a little look at what Cameron said? Yeah, absolutely.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04I have to say,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06the Archbishop of Canterbury was trying to point out
0:13:06 > 0:13:10to the Prime Minister that this particular Nigerian Prime Minister
0:13:10 > 0:13:11was trying to stop corruption.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I mean, the way Cameron was selling it was trying to tell the Queen,
0:13:14 > 0:13:15"This is going to be great,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19"we've got the top corrupt people in the world coming."
0:13:19 > 0:13:20To learn from us.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Yeah.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25But what he demanded, the Nigerian President, he said,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29"I don't want an apology, I'd like some of the money back."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Most of the Nigerian money flows into Britain
0:13:32 > 0:13:36through the British colonies and ends up in houses in London,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38schools, cars, dealerships.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41He's saying, "If you could stop our kleptocrats
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"spending all the money in your tax havens,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45"then perhaps that would be a start."
0:13:45 > 0:13:50At that point, Cameron remembered Mum and Dad, and...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54..and probably went a bit quiet.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56What grounds did David Cameron have for calling Nigeria
0:13:56 > 0:13:58and Afghanistan "fantastically corrupt"?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Facts.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07You're actually quite close to the real answer. Oh, really?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09There's a transparency index of corrupt countries.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I think Afghanistan is third from the bottom,
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Nigeria is a good way up. We're number ten.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Very proud.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Is that the ten most corrupt or...? What top ten are we in?
0:14:19 > 0:14:20You move up the league like Leicester
0:14:20 > 0:14:23and just suddenly come and surprise everyone.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Well, there's a great story where, apparently, the Pakistani delegation
0:14:27 > 0:14:29went to the anti-corruption conference at the time.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Back then, at the end of the conference,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34they would announce who are the most ranked anti-corrupt countries
0:14:34 > 0:14:36in the world. They came to announce it.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39The announcer goes, "Well, Pakistan started the conference
0:14:39 > 0:14:40"at number seven,
0:14:40 > 0:14:44"but having tried to bribe the anti-corruption committee..."
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"they find themselves now at number two."
0:14:47 > 0:14:50There's a theory that they maybe did it deliberately
0:14:50 > 0:14:53to create a big stink around the Euro referendum.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58I, sort of, think possibly Cameron is saving the Queen's death
0:14:58 > 0:15:00for when he needs a really big news story.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I think he'll go for his weekly meeting one week,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08he'll take a pillow out of his briefcase and say,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12"I'm sorry, ma'am. ISIS have landed in Cornwall."
0:15:15 > 0:15:17How did the Queen add to things?
0:15:17 > 0:15:21The Queen was overheard saying the Chinese were a bit...tricky.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Rude. Was that what she said? Yes, rude.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27The royal family have got form when it comes to upsetting the Chinese.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Surprisingly, it's not Prince Philip. Can you remember who it was?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Prince Charles described the Communist leadership
0:15:32 > 0:15:34as a bunch of ghastly old waxworks.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Was this just before the Ambassador then left?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Just before he complimented him on his chocolates.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46We have a picture of Prince Charles making that remark.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51This is the news that David Cameron and the Queen
0:15:51 > 0:15:55have been filmed making indiscreet comments about foreigners.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57This all came despite the fact that we're always told
0:15:57 > 0:16:00the royal family are great for tourism and business.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Perhaps if we had a country worth visiting,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04we wouldn't have to parade the products
0:16:04 > 0:16:08of centuries of incest around to try to self fridge magnets.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Has this turned into a party political?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16On their last visit, the Chinese threatened to call the trip off.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18The Queen said...
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Then again, if you're trying to get Chinese people
0:16:23 > 0:16:25to ask you for a Ferrero Rocher...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29That's a Prince Philip joke.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Ian and Julia, here's another one for you.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35JULIA: Oh, exam stress. Yes.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Old-fashioned schooling.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Ah, fero.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Bend over, lad. This won't hurt.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43And I think that's a U-turn.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45This is another Government U-turn
0:16:45 > 0:16:47to add to all the other ones.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49And this one's over...academies? Yes.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It was in the middle of the last Budget,
0:16:51 > 0:16:55and I think it was thrown in to show that they do have some ideas,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57even if they're very, very bad.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59It's a new way of governing.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03There was also some controversy around the Sats exams.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07What happened to the reading test paper for seven-year-olds?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Oh, it was leaked. Someone gave it away.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13A rogue examiner, apparently, looked at it on a website
0:17:13 > 0:17:16and then gave it away. I think the rogue examiner is now on the run
0:17:16 > 0:17:19and is the Edward Snowden of telling people
0:17:19 > 0:17:22how to spell "necessary".
0:17:24 > 0:17:27In the last 12 months, the Government has done more U-turns
0:17:27 > 0:17:30than Matt LeBlanc screeching around the Cenotaph.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Chicken. What was the U-turn about chicken?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It didn't cross the road?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It was the U-turn that they were forced to do on dropping
0:17:39 > 0:17:43animal welfare codes, specifically on chicken farmed for meat.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Oh. Now, instead of facing an agonising and brutal death,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50chickens can look forward to a brutal death.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55The Government was forced into a U-turn on academies.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58The great thing about academies is that they can't be run at a profit,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02so they only attract people who really want to raise standards
0:18:02 > 0:18:05for students...or deny evolution or introduce Sharia law.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10And so to Round Two, the Strengthometer of News.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17BELL RINGS
0:18:17 > 0:18:18PAUL LAUGHS
0:18:18 > 0:18:20JULIA: This is genius. These sheep were stolen
0:18:20 > 0:18:23but they had a photograph of the sheep that were stolen
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and the police put it out
0:18:25 > 0:18:28and they pixelated the faces of the sheep
0:18:28 > 0:18:32for privacy reasons under the human rights legislation.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Genuinely. It wasn't exactly sheep privacy. They said...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42APPLAUSE
0:18:44 > 0:18:46And deliciousness.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50The police later revealed that it was a joke.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Meanwhile, what has the Greater Manchester Police been planning for?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Is this the possible terror attack in a shopping centre?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Yes, it is.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03They've been carrying out a training exercise simulating
0:19:03 > 0:19:07an IS-style attack on the Trafford shopping centre in Manchester.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Let's take a look.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Allahu Akbar!
0:19:13 > 0:19:17It's all just staged. They're all just actors, obviously,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19but it was horrifyingly realistic
0:19:19 > 0:19:21and some people got very annoyed. Do you think it was a bad idea?
0:19:21 > 0:19:26Well, I spoke to all the Muslims before we came on tonight...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And it was about 50-50. 50-50 split.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32A lot of people...a lot of Muslims are annoyed that they used
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"Allahu Akbar", which I'm quite surprised by,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36because if you are doing a training exercise
0:19:36 > 0:19:38about possible people from ISIS, it's quite likely
0:19:38 > 0:19:40that they might be shouting "Allahu Akbar",
0:19:40 > 0:19:42so fair enough to the police, I think,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44but a lot of Muslims are saying
0:19:44 > 0:19:46"Allahu Akbar" is used for different things
0:19:46 > 0:19:49and if you are in a shopping centre and you hear somebody shout it,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51it could be they are about to bomb you
0:19:51 > 0:19:54or it could be that they are about to pray,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56or there's a sale on at Next. Hmm.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00So, that's only fair. They want to make sure there's a distinction.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01One person tweeted...
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Post-modern terrorism, that's what we want.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17This is the news that the Greater Manchester Police
0:20:17 > 0:20:20have carried out a terrorist training exercise.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21If people think shouting "Allahu Akbar"
0:20:21 > 0:20:25is going to cause pandemonium, try going to the Trafford Centre
0:20:25 > 0:20:28and shouting that it's the last orders at Wetherspoon's.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Ian and Julia, your four are
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Pot Black snooker,
0:20:34 > 0:20:35the Biami tribe,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39the Natural Environment Research Council's polar research vessel
0:20:39 > 0:20:42and the fossilised egg of an elephant bird.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45JULIA: Well, we know about the polar vessel,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48because people voted for it to be called Boaty McBoatface
0:20:48 > 0:20:52and Boring McBoringface, and the Government decided that was wrong.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55They're going to call it the Sir David Attenborough,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58but that prompted a petition, rather wonderfully,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00for Sir David Attenborough to change his name by deed poll
0:21:00 > 0:21:02to Sir David McDavidface.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It's about changing your name.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07It's not called Pot Black any more.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Every colour is equal.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Is it?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Is there a link to David Attenborough here?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Ah, yes! Cos David Attenborough was the controller of BBC Two
0:21:18 > 0:21:21when he commissioned Pot Black back in 1969
0:21:21 > 0:21:23because it was a programme made for colour TV.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26ADIL: Did he discover all these, apart from which one didn't he...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28JULIA: Boaty McBoatface.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31He didn't discover it but he was named after it, or something.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Is the right answer.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34APPLAUSE
0:21:36 > 0:21:39They're all known thanks to the work of Sir David Attenborough,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41apart from the UK's new polar research vessel,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44which is going to be named after him.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I don't know if you've followed the whole Boaty McBoatface thing.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I thought it could have gone a lot worse
0:21:49 > 0:21:52if you were asking the British public to decide on something.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55They're lucky it wasn't called Harold Shipman.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02A hitherto unknown Biami tribe of Papua New Guinea were
0:22:02 > 0:22:07discovered by David Attenborough while filming a documentary in 1971.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10What did David Attenborough do with the egg from the gigantic
0:22:10 > 0:22:12but extinct elephant bird?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14He had to put it together because...
0:22:14 > 0:22:16He did, yeah. Put it all back together.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19He reconstructed it from over 1,000 pieces.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Here's what he started out with.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23And here's his first attempt.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29And then he made this.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34What could be a more appropriate 90th birthday gift for
0:22:34 > 0:22:38David Attenborough than to give his name to a polar research vessel,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42as they both begin a long, cold journey to a place of endless night?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Happy birthday, Sir David.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Paul and Adil, here are yours -
0:22:55 > 0:22:57420 billion slugs,
0:22:57 > 0:23:012,186 goats,
0:23:01 > 0:23:02two wolves and one weasel.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Is the weasel the only one that nearly drowned in a bottle of milk?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Was the weasel the one that was in the Hadron Collider?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It is. Ah, yes.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21He ate through a cable and it stopped working, so...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23These other things did something...
0:23:24 > 0:23:27..that stopped something working.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I can play this game, I can do that! And that's an exclusive.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34They've all inconvenienced people except one. Ah, yes.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Apart from the goats.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37It's actually the wolves. Oh, yes.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40They have all inconvenienced people apart from the wolves,
0:23:40 > 0:23:44which are positive boon for Belarus's Eurovision entry, Ivan.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Oh! Ivan is going to perform, I think, tonight,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51naked, with two presumably quite baffled wolves.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Hopefully well-fed wolves at this point.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Hopefully well-drugged wolves. Yes.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01What does Ivan say is key to performing naked with wolves?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Is it a show called Dangling With Wolves?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Is that wolf wearing something in the nether regions? Yeah.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Is that like a thong or...?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14He's wearing the other bloke's underpants.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16He is naked and the wolf's wearing a thong? Yeah!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19That's what's going on there.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22The Eurovision knows its audience. It certainly does.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25And that's a blue screen,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28so God knows what the image will be like on the night.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30What he said to the Mail Online was...
0:24:35 > 0:24:39A new super breed of sex-mad, sleepless slugs
0:24:39 > 0:24:41has arrived from Spain.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42An alliterative threat.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Do you know how they got over here?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Really slowly.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51They've just been tossed from garden to garden.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55For some people, that's a summer holiday.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01According to the Daily Mail, it was...
0:25:04 > 0:25:08And why might these slugs be dangerous to road users?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12The car crushes the slug, the slug gets caught up in the rubber,
0:25:12 > 0:25:14the rubber and the slug interact together in the way that only
0:25:14 > 0:25:19synthetic material and a live animal can and it all goes wrong.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Well, I'm going to give a point for that because actually,
0:25:21 > 0:25:25they get run over on the road, other slugs come out to eat them
0:25:25 > 0:25:26and it creates a...
0:25:30 > 0:25:31Looking forward to that.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37A weasel disrupted the Large Hadron Collider last week.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40The Large Hadron Collider has revealed a lot of previously
0:25:40 > 0:25:42unknown information to scientists.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45For example, we now know how to cook a weasel to perfection.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Belarus's Eurovision entry, Ivan, will perform with wolves.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53The tragedy is he has said to his friends
0:25:53 > 0:25:56so often in the past that he's going to be performing with wolves
0:25:56 > 0:25:59at Eurovision that nobody believes him any more.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08which this week features as its guest publication...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13If, like me, you are a massive fan of parking conventions,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16there's a brilliant one every day on the M25.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19And we start with...
0:26:21 > 0:26:24..are made before designer eggs.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27That's the old debate. Yeah, sorted that one out.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Thieves are targeting middle-class homes and stealing rare chickens.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Good.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Next up...
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Book on parallel parking has become a classic.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52ADIL: Professor Donald Shoup's book of
0:26:52 > 0:26:55How I Never Want To Write A Classic has become a classic.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I'm going to give you a point for the first one
0:26:59 > 0:27:01because the answer is...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04..is a classic in the parking industry. Oof!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I don't know anything about Professor Donald Shoup
0:27:06 > 0:27:09but I guarantee his nickname at school was Cream Of Tomato.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14And finally...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Tastes of bamboo and shit.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33This is the news that you can now get panda tea made from poo.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Poo Tea is the name of the panda.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40So, the final scores are...
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Paul and Adil have eight points
0:27:41 > 0:27:44and Ian and Julia have six points.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:51And I'll leave you with the news
0:27:51 > 0:27:53that outside the Houses of Parliament,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56a Tory aide desperately tries to stop the press
0:27:56 > 0:27:59seeing what happens to Iain Duncan Smith after dark.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07At a Buckingham Palace tea party,
0:28:07 > 0:28:08there's relief that the cameraman
0:28:08 > 0:28:11who captured the Queen's undiplomatic remarks
0:28:11 > 0:28:13about the Chinese didn't look behind him.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18And outside an abattoir in Birmingham,
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Larry can't believe his luck
0:28:20 > 0:28:22as his friends have remembered his birthday.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Goodnight.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13or leave it altogether
0:29:13 > 0:29:17The referendum on whether we should remain within the European Union