0:00:27 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Gary Lineker.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:46in Essex, one passenger takes the easy option
0:00:46 > 0:00:50after foolishly asking a taxi driver for his opinions on Brexit.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03On his way to Crufts, one impatient driver gets stuck in a traffic jam.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07HORN BEEPS CONTINUOUSLY
0:01:07 > 0:01:08HORN STOPS
0:01:08 > 0:01:11HORN BEEPS AGAIN
0:01:11 > 0:01:15And as Russia apologises for its part in the doping scandal,
0:01:15 > 0:01:19trials begin with the only clean athletes left in the country.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:33So, let's find out how the teams line up.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Captain Ian Hislop plays on the right,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38if the Government's on the left,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41and on the left, if the Government's on the right.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44And on Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says
0:01:44 > 0:01:46he appears on stage with nothing planned
0:01:46 > 0:01:49other than about four random words on a piece of scrap paper,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53so Britain's answer to Donald Trump, please welcome Ross Noble.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54CHEERING
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And their opponents tonight, Captain Paul Merton.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07Like Jamie Vardy, who started off in a amateur steelworker's team,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Paul kicked off his career with a CSE in metalwork.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15On his team tonight is a journalist who won Celebrity Mastermind
0:02:15 > 0:02:18in a performance that reminded me of Alan Shearer.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20No passes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Please welcome Samira Ahmed.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Paul and Samira, take a look at this.- Yep.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Ah, yes, Boris Johnson, clearly never, ever used an iron
0:02:37 > 0:02:38or ever seen anyone use an iron.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Er, that's Michael Heseltine with a vision of the future
0:02:41 > 0:02:44and that's George Osborne's birthday party.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49This is what's going to happen if we don't vote in or out,
0:02:49 > 0:02:50depending on who's telling you.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Boris says, "Basically, if we stay, it'll be like Hitler."
0:02:54 > 0:02:58And Heseltine says, "This is obscene and racist, possibly,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"and a bit mad and so..."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Boris has got a touch of the Ken Livingstone's Tourette's.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! - Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12It's like in the playground, if you're losing an argument,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15you say, "You're Hitler!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18"That's what he would've done. Hitler!"
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- That's what they did at Oxford, did they?- They did.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22The things we miss out on.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I think there's a thing about hair in there as well, isn't there?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- There's a lot of hair, a lot of hair.- I think there's been...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Herr Hitler!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35APPLAUSE
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Congratulations. That's the first time that joke's been broadcast
0:03:38 > 0:03:40on the BBC since 1942.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45This is the continuing kerfuffle over the EU referendum.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Michael Heseltine and Boris Johnson
0:03:46 > 0:03:48do have other things in common, don't they?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- He was also someone who thought he was going to be Prime Minister.- Yes.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Like Boris.- Mm.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Imagine if, like, if Boris becomes Prime Minister
0:03:58 > 0:04:01and Trump becomes President, could you imagine,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03just on a windy day, what that's going to look like?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It's just going to be like...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08..just swirling.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12After all the talk of Hitler,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15how did David Cameron bring a sense of perspective to the debate?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18World War III.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- No, he upped from World War III. - World War- IV? Isis.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24He said Isis would like it if we left.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Well, he said that Vladimir Putin
0:04:26 > 0:04:30and the leader of the Islamic State would vote with Boris.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33That's going to be a photo opportunity
0:04:33 > 0:04:35on the morning, isn't it?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40All those jihadis there, like that.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42IMITATES BORIS JOHNSON
0:04:45 > 0:04:48What do the Leave campaign see as their dream scenario?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Don't know. Must be bubonic plague.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage on the same platform
0:04:55 > 0:04:57is their dream scenario,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59a source from the grassroots Out campaign has said.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06..like the X-Men.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Speaking of which,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14what special powers did Boris appear to gain this week?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15He went home...
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- ..at the time that his wife was expecting him.- Don't be ridiculous!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Well, Alistair Higham on Twitter
0:05:24 > 0:05:27thinks he may have been watching too much Star Wars.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Watch how Boris deals with this cameraman.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37APPLAUSE
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- That's... That's scary. - Yeah, that really is.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50For the first time, I'm actually frightened.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52What is Boris doing here?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- He was angle grinding this week, wasn't he?- Was he?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- He was, yeah. He was physically... - Is this just a bit of gossip or...?
0:06:00 > 0:06:05No, he was on an angle grinder and I'm not referring to a dating site.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06He was...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10That is a giant cheque.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I think he's trying to make the point that in Europe
0:06:13 > 0:06:17you waste £350 million a week, but actually that doesn't include
0:06:17 > 0:06:20the rebate or any of the money that the EU pays us back,
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- so this figure is not true.- Mmm. - But he doesn't mind.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28But they were burning it in a giant fire, to say,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32"Hey, your money is going up in metaphors."
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Yes, he is burning a cheque for £350 million in a furnace,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41which is what Man United may as well have done this season.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46It's supposed to represent the amount...
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Do you want to explain that to those two?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- They've got no idea what you're talking about.- No, we'll pick it up.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- It's football.- Yes, the Alan Shearer joke, very funny.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55No passes.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58APPLAUSE
0:06:59 > 0:07:02There was a thing, wasn't it, with that Leicester lot, wasn't it?
0:07:02 > 0:07:03They did well, didn't they?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06As you mention it, they did all right, yeah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10I didn't watch the parade on telly, I followed it on the internet.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15You could track Danny Simpson's tag just on there.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Just...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23People getting off doing community service, eugh!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Tricky.- Just as well where you come from, isn't it?- Oh, there we go.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Anyway, back to business... - Your... Your crisps are shit!
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Where were we? Yes, Ian...
0:07:40 > 0:07:42We were just raising the level of the debate.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47- Indeed.- Let's go back to the EU, the exciting EU.- Oh, the EU, yes.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Boris Johnson, here he is discussing the details
0:07:50 > 0:07:52in typical fashion with ITV's Tom Bradby.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Let's deal with your arguments -
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- one of them is on the side of this bus.- Yes.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58"We send 350 million to Europe."
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- We don't.- We do. - And you know we don't.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- No, we don't, you know we don't. - No, no.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Admit that that figure is grotesquely misleading, at best.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06I won't. I won't.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Did you see that he sat on a report
0:08:10 > 0:08:12into London's air pollution problems,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15and that some of the worst-polluted areas in London are most deprived?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Yes. I mean, he commissioned the report,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20and it didn't say what he wanted, so, quite rightly, he sat on it.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Do you have a problem with that?- No.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Just nice to have that other side of Boris
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- to be brought out, too.- Absolutely.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29This is the calm, measured debate over Britain's EU membership
0:08:29 > 0:08:31which, in the last few days,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34has featured Hitler, Isis and World War III.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Michael Heseltine has accused Boris Johnson of...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44The intervention sent shock waves through Westminster
0:08:44 > 0:08:48as people realised that Michael Heseltine was still alive.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52There was good news for the Remain camp this week
0:08:52 > 0:08:55when a new poll gave them a 4% lead -
0:08:55 > 0:08:59although there are plenty of people who don't want to be in Europe.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I saw 11 of them playing for Liverpool on Wednesday.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05APPLAUSE
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Anything?- Very good.- Very good.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Ian and Ross, take a look at this.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- It's the Queen.- Shiny thing, there.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- Queen's Speech.- In a coach... Oh, hello!
0:09:19 > 0:09:20What's going on there?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Her Majesty's pleasure - people being locked up.- Yeah.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I think this is the contents of the Queen's speech.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Which was quite short.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30There wasn't a great deal there.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33She basically said, "I'll see you after the referendum."
0:09:33 > 0:09:35But, you know, it's always nice
0:09:35 > 0:09:37to watch an old woman in very heavy clothing.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Yeah.- You know?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41It's always a bit of fun, isn't it?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- With a massive, heavy thing on her, and a big crown.- Yeah.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"Go on, love, get up them stairs."
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- You know? It's sort of like a sparkly It's A Knockout.- Yeah.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54And she reads the sort of cards very well.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I mean, we could have her on here, I think she'd do brilliantly.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59If we put them on vellum.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01What's vellum?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04It's a cross between valium and helium.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06So, it, um...
0:10:06 > 0:10:10It relaxes you, but you do float away.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13And that's why she has to wear all the heavy clothes.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Cos otherwise, she's off.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- You know?- Gone.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- Yeah.- It is the 65th Queen's Speech at the State Opening of Parliament.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24What did Justice Secretary Michael Gove...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26What fingerprints did he have all over it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Well, there are some quite sensible prison reform measures,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32which, you know, might happen.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Or they might not - they might do a U-turn,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and bring the Queen back,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and say, "My Government won't be doing any of this."
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Because now, all prisons, they all have to become academies.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43That's the plan. Yeah.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44APPLAUSE
0:10:45 > 0:10:48What is being proposed under the Star Trek Bill
0:10:48 > 0:10:50in the Queen's Speech?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Oh, is that the spaceport?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- Mm.- The Cornwall Spaceport.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57That's the thing that lets it down slightly -
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"Spaceport! In Cornwall..."
0:11:00 > 0:11:06Where is the new intergalactic Gatwick likely to be built?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Gatwick.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11If it's the intergalactic Gatwick, there'll be a row about it,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13and it might be the intergalactic Heathrow.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Thank you very much.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19But then there'll be a special suggestion of Boris Space Island.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Yes!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Which'll be like in Thunderbirds.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Floating like a giant blond thatch...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30that opens, and a big rocket comes out.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33He's standing there with his angle grinder.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"Thunderbirds are Gove."
0:11:39 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- It's Newquay in Cornwall. - Newquay.- Newquay.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Although, as The Sun pointed out...
0:11:56 > 0:12:00What had the Queen watched for several hours earlier in the week?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02It was... It was the Queen's life, all with...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Told with horses.- Told with horses.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06I tell you what, I...
0:12:06 > 0:12:10The horse said, "I remember the day she became Queen."
0:12:10 > 0:12:12HE WHINNIES
0:12:13 > 0:12:14But there were 900 horses -
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- they had the entire mounted police from Canada came in.- Yeah.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Where were those ones who did the tricks from?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Azerbaijanis or something?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Yeah...- Or Kazakhstan... - They were good.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25..and the thing about it, as you say -
0:12:25 > 0:12:28like, I'm not, like, a massive royalist, but I was just thinking...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Like, I love Prince Harry, right? I think he's brilliant.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Probably for all the wrong reasons...
0:12:33 > 0:12:38And I thought, it would be amazing if he one day ended up as king,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42because to have his life acted out by horses...
0:12:42 > 0:12:43It would... Could you imagine?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44- APPLAUSE - Just...
0:12:47 > 0:12:51And Ant and Dec narrated, with Sir Alan Titchmarsh.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Is he Sir Alan?- No, surely not.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Oh, sorry.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Alan Titchmarsh.- Yeah.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Al.- Al.- Yeah.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03He was only there cos he was going to take the manure.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06He wasn't in the line-up,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09he was stood there with a bucket, like that.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10"Do you want a knighthood?"
0:13:10 > 0:13:11"No, I'm fine, get me a shovel."
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Yes, it was a special gala for Her Majesty's 90th birthday.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19The evening was hosted by Ant and Dec.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20This guy was there.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- The king of Bahrain? - The king of Bahrain...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Oh, I thought it was Super Mario.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32I thought he was just... He thought there was a princess in danger.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34That photograph does look like
0:13:34 > 0:13:36she's holding up a face of him, doesn't it?
0:13:42 > 0:13:46That's human rights abuser and close friend of the royal family,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- King Hamad of Bahrain.- Yeah.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51What's he looking at there? What's happened?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Oh, I think the Bahraini police did a baton charge.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Mounted. It was fantastic. Quite bloody.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03It was actually an unexpected explosion during the performance...
0:14:03 > 0:14:06which was so loud it almost made Princess Beatrice
0:14:06 > 0:14:08look up from her phone.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10But not quite.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Just going, "Another horse.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"Lol."
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Back to government news -
0:14:18 > 0:14:21and what does smoked haddock, pilaf, a cheese and ham omelette
0:14:21 > 0:14:23and fruit cobbler have in common?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25They all want us to leave Europe.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Let's hear them again. - Yeah, say them again.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- Smoked haddock...- Generation Game. Smoked haddock...
0:14:32 > 0:14:33- ..pilaf...- ..pilaf...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Actually, I think that's "smoked haddock pilaf".
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Ah!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Doesn't he play for Spain?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Keep going.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48..a cheese and ham omelette and fruit cobbler have in common?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49- Oh, I know.- You know.- Yeah.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Fruit.- They were all... - Come on, think about it.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- They were all recipes...- Yes. - ..on the BBC's website.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Mm.- Oh, very good.- Um, that...
0:14:57 > 0:14:58ROSS LAUGHS
0:14:58 > 0:15:00HE GRUNTS
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Well, have you tried some of them?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05There's a huge outrage over the BBC
0:15:05 > 0:15:09supposedly taking some recipes offline, when you could buy a book.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12The theory that the BBC just putting them on its commercial arm,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14where they were maybe planning to do it all along.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17It was the anger that people had.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19It was like the BBC went,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21"We're going to dangle Mary Berry by the ankles
0:15:21 > 0:15:23"off a multistorey car park."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26What will I do without the recipe?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28I mean, Nigella's avocado on toast...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I've got the toast. I've got the avocado.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32What do I do? I mean...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I don't know how it works.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Here's what to do, right? Pick the ones you like. Print them out.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Shut your face.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Just quickly, while we're on the subject of television,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45what happened on Countdown this week?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Rude word. It's got to be a rude word. It's always a rude word.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Bumhole.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52There's no need for that! I only asked a question.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Yeah, well, there it is - evidence.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- What, did that just come up?- Yeah.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04And ironically, if you use the X, bumhole X is actually a website.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14This week, the BBC responded to the government's White Paper
0:16:14 > 0:16:17and has begun the process of removing any content
0:16:17 > 0:16:19that is regarded as pointless and...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21HIGH-PITCHED TONE
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Unbelievable.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35There's also been a row over recipes on the BBC website.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Sources at the BBC include...
0:16:37 > 0:16:38bolognese, carbonara...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41..and pesto.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Although I think he's just joined ITV.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47So on to round two, the Randomiser Of News.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53BUZZER
0:16:53 > 0:16:55This was the bomb hoax.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58They were doing an exercise for fake bombs
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and then they found it wasn't cleared away
0:17:01 > 0:17:04and then they blew it up, despite the fact that it had a sticker on it
0:17:04 > 0:17:06that said, "This is a fake bomb."
0:17:06 > 0:17:11But they blew it up just in case it was, like, a clever double bluff.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Cos that's what the Isis, they do that.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15They'll write, "This is fine,"
0:17:15 > 0:17:17and just leave it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Yeah.- Looking at the picture there, though,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23it's quite surprising that nobody saw it earlier, isn't it?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Yeah.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29And also, they were testing to see whether the sniffer dogs,
0:17:29 > 0:17:31you know, a test, and they didn't find it.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33So what does that tell us
0:17:33 > 0:17:36about how good the sniffer dogs are that they were using?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38But there wasn't any explosive in there,
0:17:38 > 0:17:39that's why they didn't find it.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Well, why did they hide it, then?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43I don't know.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46So they just hid a bomb that didn't have anything in it...
0:17:46 > 0:17:49It could have been just the organiser going to the toilet,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51putting it down...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Yeah, that's true, we've all left a fake bomb in the toilet.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Security expert Christopher Reid
0:17:57 > 0:17:59had run a training exercise for sniffer dogs
0:17:59 > 0:18:02in which he hid 14 dummy bombs around Old Trafford.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04But when it came to collecting the bombs,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07it turns out Chris overlooked one crucial dummy.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Himself.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12He left his phone number on the bomb.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Would you be brave enough to ring that number, though?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"Oh, here's this thing. It looks like a bomb.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"Call this number. Oh..."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It's like an Isis chatline.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"Do you want to meet the heavies in your area?"
0:18:33 > 0:18:35How did the police deal with the bomb?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37They said the bomb was drunk and it was his own fault for being there.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Well, according to the Daily Mail, the bomb was dealt with...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48As opposed to the uncontrolled explosion, which took place
0:18:48 > 0:18:51when whoever found it opened the toilet door.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53In happier football news,
0:18:53 > 0:18:57why were 240,000 Leicester fans on the street this week?
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Cos homelessness in Leicester has gone through the roof.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09They're very happy.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Yes. Delirious.- Yeah, cos they won.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Mm. What did they win, Ian?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- They won the thing. - What is "the thing" called?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19They won the Premiership. I know this, they won the...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Premier League.- You're not allowed to call it the Premiership.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Why aren't you allowed to call it the Premiership?
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Well, it was one of those branding things.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- They changed it quite a few years ago.- Right. I see.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30And they get a bit upset if you call it the Premiership.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32And the Premier-ship is now called Sir David Attenborough.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Yes, they were celebrating Leicester's extraordinary success.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43There was a performance, actually, from local band Kasabian,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46a gospel choir singing football songs and, of course,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48super fan Lee Jobber with his top off.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Oh, yeah.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55EVERYONE GROANS IN DISGUST
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I see he's mimicking the trophy from behind by the...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59bulges.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03They might get relegated next year. That'd be funny, wouldn't it?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Don't you have to present without your clothes on?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Erm, yeah. - Yeah, that's right.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17She's very keen.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:20:20 > 0:20:21But, yeah, I can't wait.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- But are you actually going to do it? - Yeah.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Well, you'll have to wait and see, won't you?- Here's an idea.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Why do you get that fat bloke to stand in front of you?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Perfect!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Perfect!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38This is a fake bomb that caused a Premier League game
0:20:38 > 0:20:40at Old Trafford to be suspended.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Thousands of disappointed Manchester United fans left Old Trafford
0:20:44 > 0:20:47without having seen their team play any football.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Again.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53The boss of the security firm responsible has had little sympathy
0:20:53 > 0:20:55for making such a glaring mistake.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Although he did receive one call of support
0:20:58 > 0:20:59from the former head of
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Listening Out For Drilling Noises At Hatton Garden.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Meanwhile, someone called Leicester
0:21:08 > 0:21:11were celebrating winning the Premier League
0:21:11 > 0:21:13with an open-top bus parade through the city.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16According to the Mirror, some Leicester fans were...
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Sadly, so were some Tottenham fans.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21AUDIENCE GROANS
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Here's the next one...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Yeah, that was... That was a bit much.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32BUZZER
0:21:32 > 0:21:36This is students who, for health and safety reasons,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39aren't allowed to throw their mortarboards up into the air.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And they are going to put them all in afterwards. You just act it out.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44You must have had it in your time.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I bet you've had a spinning mortarboard flying towards you,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Like a ninja throw star.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51If anyone ever dared do that,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Ian's butler would have caught it straightaway.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57But it's a great bit where you throw it up in the air.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58- Is it? - Well, don't look at me like that.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You know I've not been to university.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02That was horrible, the way you did that.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"It's a great bit, Ross."
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Did you throw your trunks in the air
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"when you got your five-metre swimming certificate?"
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- I... - APPLAUSE
0:22:15 > 0:22:17This is the news that students graduating
0:22:17 > 0:22:19from the University of East Anglia
0:22:19 > 0:22:22will no longer be able to throw their mortarboards
0:22:22 > 0:22:23in the air due to health and safety.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25How many people have been hit?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- It can't have been many, can it?- No.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30And by that stage, you're not meant to be able to feel it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36What did Louisa Baldwin, Student Law Society President,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38have to say about it all?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39- CHOKING:- I...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I've got a mortarboard in my neck!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43It's in my neck! Pull it out!
0:22:45 > 0:22:49HE CHOKES
0:22:53 > 0:22:54It's like that, yeah?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Close.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02She said...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09She added...
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Graduates have been told to mime a throwing action
0:23:18 > 0:23:21and the mortarboards will be photoshopped in later.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24According to The Times, they will be charged £8 for the service,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28angering students, who will now leave university
0:23:28 > 0:23:30with a debt of £40,008.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35There was also disappointment this week for West Ham fans,
0:23:35 > 0:23:36who have been told, from now on,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38just to mime a throwing action
0:23:38 > 0:23:41and the bottles will be photoshopped in later.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Time now for the missing words round, which this week features,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51as its guest publication, Village People.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54The Village People magazine advertised places
0:23:54 > 0:23:55to holiday in Norfolk,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58although don't believe them when they say
0:23:58 > 0:23:59that it's fun to stay at the YMCA.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02And we start with...
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Dick.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08What?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10It's one of those recipes.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Queen...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I think you ought to clear that one up.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18You're not talking about Princess Margaret here, you know.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20That's the knighthood gone, Hislop.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Phew. Erm...
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Is it - "Queen spotted in the same way as a leopard"?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Yeah.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Nice top."
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Yes, "Queen spotted in nice top"!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- That's a good news story(!) - Is the wrong answer.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39The answer is - "Queen was spotted in a puddle in Wales".
0:24:39 > 0:24:42A care-worker, Linda Hough, was putting out the washing
0:24:42 > 0:24:46when she spotted a perfect outline of the Queen's head
0:24:46 > 0:24:47in a damp patch on the floor.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Her heard appears to be on a stake.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Yes.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- It's a rather Republican puddle. - Yes.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Next...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04"Old Stinker is the most popular aftershave."
0:25:09 > 0:25:14"Old Stinker is the luckiest Labrador...in Hull."
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Nope.- No?- But you're getting closer, a lot closer.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20"Old Stinker is the unluckiest Labrador in Hull."
0:25:20 > 0:25:24"Old Stinker terrifying residents in Hull."
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Recent sightings of a werewolf in Hull...
0:25:27 > 0:25:29HE LAUGHS
0:25:29 > 0:25:31How did you not know that?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Have been put down to fabrication.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Recent sightings of a werewolf in Hull are thought to be a mythical
0:25:38 > 0:25:41local beast known as Old Stinker.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45It's going to be a great film, though - American Werewolf In Hull.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51"What have you down with your waistcoat?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"It's all ripped down the back, Arnold.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55"I don't know.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59"Every time there's a full moon, I've got to buy you a new jacket."
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Next...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05"You can spot a Norfolk village anywhere...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06"in Norfolk."
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- "Turkey."- "Turkey."- Oh...
0:26:10 > 0:26:11No.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Oh, that was...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17"You can spot a Norfolk clock anywhere."
0:26:17 > 0:26:20This is an article from Village People about the unique
0:26:20 > 0:26:22characteristics about local clocks.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Norfolk clocks are easy to identify as their hands have an extra finger.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37And finally...
0:26:40 > 0:26:41"Give your their password."
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Spot on.- Yeah.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Study finds people will reveal their password for chocolate.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- What?- What?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50It's not me.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Imagine what they'll do for crisps.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02So the final scores are -
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Ian and Ross have nine points
0:27:04 > 0:27:07and Paul and Samira have three points.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09It's all right. Don't worry.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I think the guy on the left there is just going,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"And I've got a secret lady's leg that comes out the side."
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You know, for catching the shoplifters
0:27:29 > 0:27:31that can run really fast.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34They're not very good policemen, actually, because,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36as you pointed out, that guy on the left with the leg coming out,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39he's got a burglar standing right behind him...
0:27:40 > 0:27:42..who couldn't make it more obvious.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44He's wearing the traditional striped...
0:27:44 > 0:27:45He's either that or French.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Either way, it's worth arresting him and finding out.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49That's what I say.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53And I'll leave you with news that, at an optician's in Bromley,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56one customer is delighted that, for the first time ever,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58he'll finally be able to see the postman.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07At Watford Arts Centre, the news that no-one has bought any tickets
0:28:07 > 0:28:09is finally broken to the star of Dumbo The Ballet.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And as speculation continues over TV football presenters
0:28:18 > 0:28:22appearing in just their underwear, Jose Mourinho joins the debate.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Goodnight!