0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I'm Katherine Ryan.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46In the news this week, there's a product recall from Cow & Gate
0:00:46 > 0:00:50after evidence emerges that their rusks may contain steroids.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55SCREAMS
0:00:57 > 0:01:00On Newsnight, journalist John Sweeney delivers a report
0:01:00 > 0:01:04on BBC cuts without realising that he himself has just been sacked.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09NO SOUND
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And intense training begins for those police officers
0:01:16 > 0:01:18who will be on duty at this year's Notting Hill Carnival.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who is currently
0:01:31 > 0:01:35in a Sky 1 comedy about a dead-end non-league football team.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38It's tough, week after week, going out to a tiny crowd,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40but that's Sky 1 for you.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And with Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster
0:01:50 > 0:01:53who recently wrote a book called The Seven Secrets Of Happiness.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Number five is, "Don't get stuck in a lift with Gyles Brandreth."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Paul and Gyles, take a look at this.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yes, the Beatles are getting back together.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13There's only two of them left, unfortunately.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- I don't know what that is. A U-turn? - No, it's going to be Boris.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Oh, yes, doing a try-out for Top Gear.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20It's gone very black and white.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23And that's the new Top Gear season starting off,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25they're test-driving the new Ford Shed.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28It's about the European Union referendum.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Nobody knows which way it is going to go
0:02:31 > 0:02:33and nobody knows quite which way it should go.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38All we do know is that it will mean the end of the world.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41We're inviting Armageddon, then?
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- If we vote exit, apparently, everything will collapse.- Yeah.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Already Barbara Windsor has committed suicide on EastEnders
0:02:49 > 0:02:52in anticipation of Brexit.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Our houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01but of course, if we say "in",
0:03:01 > 0:03:04we will then be overwhelmed by 200 million people a week...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08..arriving on our shores.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- Most of them apparently from Turkey, but not delightful.- Yep.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I feel in a way that I am.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'm ready to be because the truth is, I know that we don't know
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- because I have been there before. - What, you've been a Tory MP?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- Yes.- And you know they know nothing. - Can I say...?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:33 > 0:03:35The truth is...we don't know.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40But the truth is, nobody knows anything.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And I do remember, 20 years ago, we went through all of this
0:03:43 > 0:03:46and I was actually in the Treasury on the day we came out of the ERM.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Standing at the back of the crowd with the present Prime Minister,
0:03:50 > 0:03:51David Cameron, we were office juniors.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55And at the beginning of the day there was this thing called the exchange rate mechanism.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It was all part of joining the single currency.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00We were all in favour of it, or we were against it.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03It's not The One Show, you can use some bigger words.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Don't interrupt Gyles whilst he's doing his one-man show.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I nearly missed it, I took a while to park my car. Off you go.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- The point of the story is this. - Yes.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19The exchange rate mechanism, we're in it, but do we want to be in it?
0:04:19 > 0:04:2120 years ago, we go into the office one day
0:04:21 > 0:04:24and the markets seem to think we don't want to be in it.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Well, as the day goes on, we find the markets are against us.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29We put up interest rates from 9 percent to 10 percent,
0:04:29 > 0:04:3211 percent to 12 percent, 13 percent up to 15. Nothing is happening.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33We're banging the top of the screen.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36The point is, at the beginning of the day, we didn't...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I can't stand the tension!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44What happens? What happens at the end of the day, Gyles?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45The point is, at the beginning of the day,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47we didn't know what was going to happen.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- While it was happening, we didn't know what was happening.- No.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And when it had happened, we didn't know what had happened.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54APPLAUSE
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Yeah.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01A bit of bad news. They've just had the referendum.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03How did it go? Who won?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Yes, this is the disappointing news
0:05:07 > 0:05:10that according to both the Leave and Remain camps,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13if we vote against them in the EU referendum,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15the world will go to hell in a handcart.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Now, what were David Cameron and George Osborne doing at B&Q?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22This is something about DIY. People doing little jobs around the house
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and we'd not be able to do it if we leave Europe.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26All the hammers will have to be handed back.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30And the alphabet we have known for 1,000 years will lose the letters
0:05:30 > 0:05:33B and Q, this is the kind of effect that Brexit will have.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Everything is going up the spout.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36I can imagine the difficulty for them
0:05:36 > 0:05:39cos they can't sell barbecues any more.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I think it's worse than that, it was a metaphor.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- They said this is a DIY recession. - Oh, yes.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47We'll inflict it. So you do a picture with DIY.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50And everyone goes, "Oh, that's very annoying."
0:05:52 > 0:05:54But that's it. It's recession,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57it's 800,000 jobs going, your house will be worthless.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00The odd thing about that is, all around the country,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03young people are thinking, "Oh, good, a collapse in house prices.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"Yes! We're going to vote Brexit!"
0:06:05 > 0:06:09It's the first time they've actually twigged where the young vote goes.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Cameron and Osborne drew a small crowd at B&Q,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13but for context, there were
0:06:13 > 0:06:16three times as many people in the next aisle staring at plaster board.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21What were David Cameron and George Osborne basing
0:06:21 > 0:06:23their warning of the recession on?
0:06:23 > 0:06:28It was an independent Treasury report commissioned by David Cameron
0:06:28 > 0:06:34and George Osborne, with the brief - scare the hell out of everybody.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36And it was a set of figures they put together
0:06:36 > 0:06:39which nearly everyone has said, "Oh, probably not true."
0:06:39 > 0:06:42The statistics from the Institute of Fiscal Studies,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44or whatever it was that came out this week,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46it then turned out that this same institute was receiving
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- several million a year from the European Union.- Yes.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52So the trouble is, we can't really trust anybody
0:06:52 > 0:06:55because the hyperbole has become hysterical.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58And they all quote, they say, "Well, there's the IMF
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"and then there's the World Bank and there's the EU,
0:07:00 > 0:07:04"all these people have said stay in," but all those people said,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"Um, there is no trouble with the financial system, it's fine."
0:07:08 > 0:07:11How is Britain Stronger In Europe campaign
0:07:11 > 0:07:12hoping to appeal to young people?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Robotics.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19They've got a poster. I saw it and thought it was brilliant.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23It says, "Tourin', hangin', chillin', votin'."
0:07:23 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:30I hope that laughter's at the poster.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I think you're appealing to young people right now.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36It's not just a poster,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38they've produced a video using language
0:07:38 > 0:07:40they believe young people will understand,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43specifically they've removed the G from a few words.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Let's see it.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- "Spellin'" should have been one of the words that came up.- Yeah.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- Spellin'!- We don't just lose B&Q, we lose G as well.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The whole thing is a nightmare.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Ian, the question I'm most interested in -
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"chillin', roamin', ravin', movin'" -
0:08:18 > 0:08:22present participle or gerund?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Gerund? Interesting - depends how you use it, I think.- So what...?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Just on its own.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31A gerund is a three-wheeled vehicle that was very popular
0:08:31 > 0:08:33before the invention of horses.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36What's happening?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Why are we talking in a different language?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46We're linking grammar terms, we're parsin'.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49What's happening, seriously?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Meanwhile, over in the Brexit camp,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54how are their efforts to woo young voters going?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56It's with a pop concert, isn't it?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58They tried to start a pop concert
0:08:58 > 0:09:02but even the 52-year-old boy band 5ive...
0:09:03 > 0:09:04..didn't want to do it
0:09:04 > 0:09:07and if they're not doing it, something's going wrong.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09They mainly do village fetes.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I'm glad boy bands are pulling out.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13One Direction could learn a lot from that.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19So have they got no young people to play?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Well, they've got Nigel Farage who does a sideline as a techno DJ.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- Under what name? - It's called "Farage music".- Farage!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30APPLAUSE
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Oh, great.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37A pro-Brexit concert has been organised at which
0:09:37 > 0:09:39East 17 were due to perform.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41There's only one thing you need to know about East 17
0:09:41 > 0:09:45and that's the singer Brian Harvey once managed
0:09:45 > 0:09:47to fall out of his own car and run himself over.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Not even the EU have got a rule to stop you doing that.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Given that people have known this campaign was coming for years,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59you would have thought that both sides would have got
0:09:59 > 0:10:01their arguments better lined up
0:10:01 > 0:10:04and would have more effective advertising than they have.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I don't feel like I have seen a coherent argument from anyone.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- You haven't.- I'm really confused.- You should be.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10What should I do, Gyles?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Go back to Canada and...
0:10:12 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Because we will all be joining you,
0:10:19 > 0:10:23because we will be forced out of our country by the tens of millions,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26the hundreds of millions who are going to arrive here any minute,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28the moment the borders come down.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31We'll be travellin', escapin', rollin'.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Please don't come to Canada. With Trump, we already have
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Americans threatening to come in and we've got to now build a wall.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Americans are not as physically fit as Mexicans,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43it won't have to be a high wall, just a little...
0:10:43 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:50A speed bump should do it.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Ian and Joe, take a look at this.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Um, that's, er, that's a woman.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I think that's the same woman, yeah. That's her again.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- But different hair, though. - Different hair, yeah.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Quite a big - can I say that? - a big bum.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12There's her fella she's with. Nice fella.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Did I get it right?
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- Was this one of the bigger stories of the week?- What is the story?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- JOE:- Kimberly Kardashian. - GYLES:- That's it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26She's in London, and I know this
0:11:26 > 0:11:28cos my missus was telling me about it
0:11:28 > 0:11:32and I feel bad for the girl, cos I shouldn't really be making fun
0:11:32 > 0:11:34of her, cos I just found out she hasn't got a job...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39And you know how hard is when you're unemployed, um,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and if she's watching,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I've got a mate who works in a Bovril factory
0:11:43 > 0:11:46and he says there's work going, so just give us a bell,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48might be able to sort something out."
0:11:50 > 0:11:52And it's cash in hand, so you can still sign on.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57So what is the story about these people?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01The rumour is that she is going to be Donald Trump's running mate.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Whoo!- It's hot. It's a hot story...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08So it's hot cos you just made it up.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- It's fresh.- It's fresh...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- You're right, it's that hot. It is that hot.- It's very hot.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15It did just come to me that...
0:12:15 > 0:12:18But don't you think it's marvellous casting?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20So if her and Donald Trump were together and somebody says,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"What an arse!" we don't know which one they're talking about.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"Trump and the rump!" - you can see the posters.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33You can see the posters, you can.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36This is a massive mainstream news that Kim Kardashian
0:12:36 > 0:12:40actually came to London this week. Why was she here?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Is that difficult, coming to London?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45They've got a lot of wide-bodied jets these days.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47There's no problem getting across the Atlantic on a plane.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51It's a fascinating family, I find the whole thing completely gripping.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Why is it so exciting?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Cos we have nothing like it in our society.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56The nearest we get to the Kardashians
0:12:56 > 0:12:58is the Krankies, a Scottish...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- You won't know them. It's a Scottish family...- I know the Krankies!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- You know the Krankies?- Why do you talk to me like I was just born?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- I've lived here for ten years.- Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- It's all right. I like it, kind of.- Good, well, we love...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16We're very, very happy to have you and I'm sure the Brexiteers
0:13:16 > 0:13:18and the Remain people will make exceptions in your case.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Yes.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- As I'm an Irish citizen. Go on. - You're an Irish citizen?- I am.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26But this is for another day, Gyles. We'll have lunch.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Now I've heard that...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32You don't know what you're saying, you've no idea.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35The trap opens up and the poor innocent walks in.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I promise this has a political angle.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42How did Labour's Harriet Harman get behind Kim Kardashian?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Which is an excellent hiding place, by the way.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50She, um, presumably said that Kim Kardashian was a role model
0:13:50 > 0:13:54and a marvellous figure and we should learn a great deal from her.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56That's usually what politicians say
0:13:56 > 0:13:58when they're asked about someone they've never heard of.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Yes, Harriet Harman called Kim Kardashian...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04..like Malala, but with a sex tape.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER AND GASPS
0:14:08 > 0:14:13And she didn't object to Kim putting out into the ether
0:14:13 > 0:14:17selfies of herself slightly scantily-clad, even though
0:14:17 > 0:14:22Harriet in her time has not liked pictures that objectify women.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34To which a viewer called Sarika responded...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Ian, I feel like I haven't given you enough opportunity
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- to show your knowledge on the Kardashian family.- No.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00So I will give you a point for every Kardashian sister you can name.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Let's just move on.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I didn't actually know she had sisters.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I'm just getting over the fact that Kanye West isn't a constituency.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16APPLAUSE
0:15:21 > 0:15:23You could have had...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27All spelt with a K, yes. It's exciting.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- And do they have children that start with a K?- No! Kourtney...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35All right. Kourtney...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:40There's a child they're all very fond of who they call Special K...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44..comes through. "How are you?"
0:15:46 > 0:15:49You know what, it's a dynasty and it's kind of worth
0:15:49 > 0:15:52learning about, I think they've earned their place at this point.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55No, what the fuck do they do?!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57How have they earnt their place?!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59What do they do?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01APPLAUSE
0:16:01 > 0:16:04In other femi-news, where did women narrowly fail
0:16:04 > 0:16:06to break down a sexist barrier?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- Oh, golf.- Yes.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Well done.- Oh, thank you, Gyles.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14This was Muirfield Golf Club,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16they've refused to have women playing golf.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17That's it.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21And therefore they can't have the Open Golf Championship there.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23And there was some famous golf commentator who said,
0:16:23 > 0:16:27"If women want to come to the club, they should marry a member."
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- JOE:- Peter Alliss, wasn't it? - GYLES:- Yeah.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Yes, top BBC golfing commentator Peter Alliss told the Telegraph...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Does he even know how competitive
0:16:46 > 0:16:48the "marry a rich old white guy" market is?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53How many Jerry Halls do I have to punch in the tit
0:16:53 > 0:16:55just to get a free gin and tonic?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Do women actually want to join this club? They sound ghastly!
0:17:05 > 0:17:06It does sound awful.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- POSH ACCENT:- Not a member of a club yourself, old boy?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Erm, I'm a member of a couple of clubs...- Ooh, ah.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Erm...- Yeah, tell us.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oh, yeah? Come on.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Is it the Alzheimer's League?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Would you like to see an example of the great male dignity
0:17:27 > 0:17:29that needs to be preserved?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Mm.- Yeah, please.- Look at this.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34'I've drank a lot of water, I really have to go.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37'People are waiting to tee off and there's no rest room out here.'
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Guys, how many times has this happened to you?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Come on, you know you can't hold it in that long!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Don't worry, I've got the perfect gift for you.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Introducing the UroClub,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50the discreet sanitary solution
0:17:50 > 0:17:51for your urgent relief.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Created by a board-certified urologist, it looks like
0:17:54 > 0:17:56an ordinary golf club,
0:17:56 > 0:17:57but it contains a special reservoir
0:17:57 > 0:17:59built into the grip to relieve yourself.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02The UroClub comes with a special towel to keep your privacy...
0:18:02 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:06..and it appears to everyone that you're just checking out your club!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09At first it seems comical, but believe me,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12when you really have to go, it's a life-saver.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15But the clubhouse is only about 100 yards away.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- It's going to be too far for him. - And he's got a club car!
0:18:17 > 0:18:21"What's your handicap?" "I keep pissing into me golf club."
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Would you use a UroClub, Gyles?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I wouldn't, but I'm rather alarmed that the only time
0:18:28 > 0:18:32I went to a golf club in Scotland, after we'd been a round,
0:18:32 > 0:18:36the man I was playing with opened up his club to offer me
0:18:36 > 0:18:38a little celebratory snifter...
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Oh, dear.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46Well, there we are, I just thought it was a whisky that had gone off.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51And so, to Round Two, The One-Armed Bandit of News.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00BUZZER
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Is this Kim Kardashian? - LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:04- Looks like her, it's not her. - Not quite.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Is that one of the sisters called Kushion?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11BUZZER
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Joe, do you know?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I think she bought a cushion on eBay
0:19:15 > 0:19:17and it turned out to be one for a doll's house.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20It wasn't eBay, it was Wish.com -
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Yazmin Zurtti was disappointed with some pillows she purchased online.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Here's what she ordered on the website, for what she thought
0:19:26 > 0:19:30was a bargain £10, to finish off her new bedroom perfectly.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32And here's what was delivered.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41What invention was in the news this week that might have stopped
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Yazmin making a rash purchase?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46A shop where you go in and see what you're going to buy?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50And then a person approaches you in a uniform and asks
0:19:50 > 0:19:52if they can assist you?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54No, and then tells you what the price is?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58And then wraps it up for you and helps you take it home?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Only in the world of Tolkien could such a thing happen.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04No, she might have used one of these, a new wristband that
0:20:04 > 0:20:07gives bank customers an electric shock when they overspend.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09The zap from the wristband can range from...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Would you find that useful, Joe?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16No, not when I've had a drink.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18It'd have to taser me.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23How much is it to buy?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Well, it's £130...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26LAUGHTER
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Hilarious. Well, there's your first problem,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31it'd start going off as you're buying it.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are...
0:20:35 > 0:20:36a Rubik's cube.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Thomas a Becket's elbow,
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Mark Zuckerberg's dog Beast
0:20:39 > 0:20:41and Harry Houdini.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43BUZZER
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Well, I know Thomas a Becket's elbow...- Mmm.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46..has turned up again in London.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I think the experts are a bit divided, some say it's his arse.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- It's a bit of him.- Yeah.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It's a famous relic of Saint Thomas a Becket,
0:20:55 > 0:21:00and it was taken from his original internment and taken to Hungary.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03And I think that might be the link,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05cos Rubik was Hungarian,
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- I'm guessing that Harry Houdini wasn't called that originally.- No.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- He's Hungarian.- And that dog... Do you know anything about the dog?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16The dog is a different nationality. Three of them are Hungarian,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- and the dog is Pomeranian.- Is that a Pomeranian?- I think so.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Heavily disguised as something else but it is, underneath,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- a Pomeranian!- Thomas a Becket's elbow can't be Hungarian, can it?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- No, but it was in Hungary.- Right.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- Things that have travelled from Hungary.- Ah, yes.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Yes. They all come from Hungary, apart from Thomas a Becket's elbow,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36which, as you said, Ian, was taken to Hungary
0:21:36 > 0:21:40following his murder in Canterbury Cathedral in 1170,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42and is now being returned, though only for a week.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45The Rubik's Cube was invented by a Hungarian
0:21:45 > 0:21:48and is possibly the only thing to entertain children in the '70s
0:21:48 > 0:21:50that hasn't since been locked up.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55How did one Chinese Rubik's Cube fanatic
0:21:55 > 0:21:57try to impress a girl recently?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Speaking to her?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06He made a picture...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09a portrait of her. She's got a very square head,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- and he made a portrait of her. "That's for you."- Yes, Paul.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Yes?- Yes. A 27-year-old, Tong Aonan, spent 72 hours
0:22:15 > 0:22:19making a portrait of a girl he fancied out of Rubik's Cubes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Here it is.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22GYLES GASPS
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- It's good.- Yeah. GYLES:- Well done.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I do stuff like that. It never works.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Well, you're right. His efforts were not successful.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Aw...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- GYLES:- Oh, dear.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Poor Tong!
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Don't worry. That strong wrist of yours won't go to waste.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Mark Zuckerberg's dog, Beast, is a puli,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47a breed originating from Hungary.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Here he is being exploited on Instagram.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53GYLES CHUCKLES
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- GYLES:- Is it really a dog?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- JOE:- Sure the end of the mop just hasn't come off?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Sticking with the Zuckerberg family,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04what reason does Facebook founder Mark give for always wearing
0:23:04 > 0:23:06the same outfit?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07He's boring.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10He doesn't make any decisions every morning,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12just put on the same thing. Something dark
0:23:12 > 0:23:15so it doesn't need washing that often. Don't need to think about it.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Just wear the same stuff. - Mark Zuckerberg said...
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Like this man...
0:23:27 > 0:23:32- I read this story.- It's Gyles. He's given away all his bears.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Have you?- I've given away all my teddy bears.- How many did you have?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39More than a thousand. I've collected teddy bears all my life.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41And I began with one teddy bear
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and then I acquired a few more and then I acquired a wife...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46This could be long, this bit.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49So why are you getting rid of the bears?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Because my children, frankly, are not interested.- Hmm.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I'm only here tonight earning money because of my children.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- Yeah.- It's the one thing that's keeping me in touch with them.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00And now...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Do you have actual children
0:24:02 > 0:24:04or are you referring to the bears?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05No, no.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09One of the bears in the Brandreth collection is the original
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Fozzie Bear from The Muppet Show.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Known for his terrible jokes and fondness for bowties,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Gyles Brandreth is 68 years old.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23which this week features, as its guest publication,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27the Journal of the Writing Equipment Society. We start with...
0:24:31 > 0:24:35After taking Viagra, Barack Obama could be a handful on holiday.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43This is a story that President Obama
0:24:43 > 0:24:46has an autopen stylus, a pen which enables the user
0:24:46 > 0:24:49to sign documents even when they're not really there,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51and when it's President Trump,
0:24:51 > 0:24:55he'll be able to sign documents even though he's not all there.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Next.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- JOE:- Oh, hairy back?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08David Attenborough padding about.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Is it bamboo?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Yes, Ian.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- I knew it.- GYLES:- Oh!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19According to a recent study, the bamboo causes digestive problems
0:25:19 > 0:25:22which can ruin the mood. Other things that put pandas off sex
0:25:22 > 0:25:25include almost anything on Earth. Next.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- JOE:- You can smell like a sandwich.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42On the downside, men with sensitive skin have reported coming out
0:25:42 > 0:25:43in RASHERS.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46GROANING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Next.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55If you support Leicester City.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57SHE LAUGHS
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Is it, if you are alive?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Aw, Ian!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Next.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Thank goodness you didn't light a fire!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- JOE:- Hello, I'm Santa.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33This is an American man who had to be freed from a chimney
0:26:33 > 0:26:35after getting stuck in there with no clothes on.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38After police grabbed him, they asked the man if he wished to
0:26:38 > 0:26:41say anything, to which he replied, "You're it!"
0:26:41 > 0:26:43And finally...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- GYLES:- One of the Kardashians.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Popular.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- JOE:- 80% gravy.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I think that's right.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02It is THE Gordon Brown who was...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Gordon Brown took a DNA test to explore his ancestry.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09For the DNA test, Gordon Brown was asked for a sample of his saliva,
0:27:09 > 0:27:14which he produced as soon as he was shown a photo of Tony Blair.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18In a similar DNA test, Tony Blair discovered he was a son of a bitch.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Aw...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:27So the final scores are Paul and Gyles have 4 points,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Ian and Joe have 7 points.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:33 > 0:27:35But before we go,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41You didn't look like that on Grindr!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth,
0:27:51 > 0:27:55and I leave you with news that it's sad times for one commuter
0:27:55 > 0:27:57as the Royal Train speeds past the platform
0:27:57 > 0:28:00while Kate is changing Charlotte's nappy...
0:28:00 > 0:28:02GROANS
0:28:02 > 0:28:05In a World Cup qualifier against the Philippines,
0:28:05 > 0:28:09North Korea deny they've made any attempt to influence the result.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16And as the referendum campaign gets dirty,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Boris Johnson reveals a photo
0:28:18 > 0:28:21of what he claims is David Cameron's screensaver.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Good night!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE