:00:00. > :00:00.Can I just apologise, I'm losing my voice.
:00:07. > :00:39.But I've brought some liquid cocaine.
:00:40. > :00:58.Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Martin Clunes.
:00:59. > :01:03.To the delight of fans, the star of The Revenant takes
:01:04. > :01:08.a stroll around the grounds of his recently purchased
:01:09. > :01:21.On his way to launch a campaign encouraging people to holiday
:01:22. > :01:23.at home this summer, England's Head of Tourism phones
:01:24. > :01:30.And in the final of Robot MasterChef, the title's in the bag
:01:31. > :01:44.for the ZX1-E unless he makes a mistake with the boiled egg.
:01:45. > :01:50.On Ian's team tonight is a Salford-born comedian whose
:01:51. > :01:55.first job was collecting glasses in a pub, but things changed
:01:56. > :01:57.when he started doing stand-up there as the audience
:01:58. > :01:59.Please welcome Jason Manford.
:02:00. > :02:06.And with Paul tonight is the Labour MP for Birmingham Yardley who says
:02:07. > :02:14."you have to be a remarkable and amazing woman to be offered
:02:15. > :02:17.a job where you're in charge, average men get there all the time."
:02:18. > :02:24.We start with the biggest stories of the week.
:02:25. > :02:32.Oh, yes, this is when grinder went wrong.
:02:33. > :02:42.Oh, right, he's allowed back in, is he?
:02:43. > :02:51.Yeah, the referendum on the 23rd June that everyone's really
:02:52. > :02:54.knowledgeable about and knows what's going on and they've left it
:02:55. > :03:08.I don't even know how to work series link so...
:03:09. > :03:12.I'm worried that there's a lot of people like me who have been left
:03:13. > :03:15.That's why we have Government and that.
:03:16. > :03:17.What, you expect them to make the decisions for you?
:03:18. > :03:22.I've got one decision and that is who I'd like to be
:03:23. > :03:28.We'll, I'm voting to remain in the European Union.
:03:29. > :03:32.I mean, I've read some of the things - I did one of though
:03:33. > :03:42.I don't want to know about your personal life.
:03:43. > :03:45.How you should vote, and there was like an online quiz,
:03:46. > :03:47.you know, to see which way you think you should be
:03:48. > :03:50.There were loads of things that I didn't know.
:03:51. > :03:53.Like, if we leave the EU, energy bills could go
:03:54. > :03:58.There's lots of reasons for voting in, mainly because of the people
:03:59. > :04:12.I think I'll go remain because what I don't want
:04:13. > :04:16.is when you go on holiday that queue for the non-EU passport is going to
:04:17. > :04:23.I thought, that's the most British way of deciding - queueing.
:04:24. > :04:29.Opinion pollsters have clearly detected the nation almost catatonic
:04:30. > :04:30.catatonic with boredom, so they've trying
:04:31. > :04:33.Anyone know how they've been doing that?
:04:34. > :04:36.We'll they've tried to get young people in by calling
:04:37. > :04:43.They've been ringing people up and asking them how they think
:04:44. > :04:45.fictional characters would vote in the referendum.
:04:46. > :04:53.Do you know any of the people they might have -
:04:54. > :05:02.What do you think they said he would say?
:05:03. > :05:08.Oh, he'd be in favour of staying in Europe, Sherlock Holmes.
:05:09. > :05:12.Is he reluctant because he really doesn't have a vote because he's
:05:13. > :05:36.It's unclear how the rest of Dads Army would vote
:05:37. > :05:38.because when the pollster asked, Captain Mainwaring said,
:05:39. > :05:52.I concur with the voting public.
:05:53. > :05:58.I was wondering if Boris counted as a fictional character?
:05:59. > :06:08.This voice of yours, Ian, I really like it, it's good.
:06:09. > :06:16.Are there certain sentences you'll say in this voice?
:06:17. > :06:18.Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear?
:06:19. > :06:20.Have you ever been to Cairo, my dear?
:06:21. > :06:25.Can you say - that's not just any hummus, it's Marks
:06:26. > :06:37.I'll do it in the voice of Jeremy Corbyn.
:06:38. > :06:39.That's not just any hamas, that's expensive hamas.
:06:40. > :06:53.Who have the remainers brought out to inject a bit of vigor and pazazz
:06:54. > :06:57.Well, Ryanair have said that we should stay in.
:06:58. > :07:06.Which, I don't nobody anybody who likes Ryanair.
:07:07. > :07:10.Who else are you going to get, like, the roadworks on the M6?
:07:11. > :07:14.I was actually thinking of Kenneth Clarke.
:07:15. > :07:23.He came out and he said that Boris was like a nice Trump.
:07:24. > :07:24.That means something else in the north,
:07:25. > :07:32.Boris probably wouldn't go away with Trump, but he has
:07:33. > :07:34.been up to something with Michael Gove recently.
:07:35. > :07:40.This polite bit of the referendum debate is over, they're just
:07:41. > :08:04.They do say - they do in that voice - there's going to be a coup.
:08:05. > :08:08.One anonymous Tory rebel said quite a nasty thing
:08:09. > :08:23.They've said - win, lose or draw, they're going to try
:08:24. > :08:31.Well, it's not that easy getting rid of a useless leader, is it, Jess?
:08:32. > :08:34.In my defence, before you say it, I didn't ever
:08:35. > :08:36.threaten to stab my leader although the Metropolitan Police
:08:37. > :08:41.It seems that people online can't understand a metaphor.
:08:42. > :08:44.I actually was saying something quite nice about my leader.
:08:45. > :08:46.I was saying I won't plot behind his back, I'll
:08:47. > :08:50.But, yes, obviously in a slightly more stabby way.
:08:51. > :08:54.I still didn't make it on to the hostile list
:08:55. > :08:57.when they rode it and I'd had the police called on me.
:08:58. > :09:00.I was just second from last up - penultimate hostile.
:09:01. > :09:02.Right, what's that called?
:09:03. > :09:09.First symptoms, hoarseness of voice.
:09:10. > :09:15.Our final chance to talk about the EU.
:09:16. > :09:28.Oh, God, if only it was the final chance.
:09:29. > :09:30.Oh, God, if only it was the final chance to talk about
:09:31. > :09:38.Let's see it off with a quick-fire buzzer
:09:39. > :09:47.Why are there 12 stars on the EU flag?
:09:48. > :09:49.Is that how many times we've won the World Cup?
:09:50. > :10:00.That's one of the things they test you when you go into university,
:10:01. > :10:06.It's nice in the winter months though.
:10:07. > :10:08.Because there was originally 12 member states.
:10:09. > :10:15.There just are 12, arranged in a circle that
:10:16. > :10:16.apparently symobolises unity.
:10:17. > :10:30.Where is the highest toilet in Europe?
:10:31. > :10:57.In 1866, Liechtenstein sent its entire army of 80 soldiers
:10:58. > :11:03.What was unusual about the number of soldiers that returned?
:11:04. > :11:08.It was more, I was going to say.
:11:09. > :11:12.Is that the actual answer?
:11:13. > :11:20.Because when they got there they just started chatting
:11:21. > :11:28.80 went to war and 81 came back.
:11:29. > :11:33.They'd been forbidden to engage in any form of military combat,
:11:34. > :11:35.so none were killed and then an Italian joined up
:11:36. > :11:57.Donald Trump is arriving in Britain the day after the referendum
:11:58. > :12:03.to open a newly-refurbished golf course in Turnberry, Ayrshire.
:12:04. > :12:06.Trump is always keen to talk about his strong Scottish roots.
:12:07. > :12:09.They're made from goats' hair and they're designed to hole hold
:12:10. > :12:14.Bristol Council was accused of influencing voters after printing
:12:15. > :12:16.this handy guide on how to complete your ballot paper.
:12:17. > :12:20.They've now now agreed to reprint them, without the controversial
:12:21. > :12:23.Paul and Jess, here's your boring question.
:12:24. > :12:27.Oh, well, this is obviously a tunnel, leading to
:12:28. > :12:36.This is Merkel and he's blessing the opening of the tunnel
:12:37. > :12:42.The world's longest tunnel has been built under the Alps,
:12:43. > :12:44.35-miles long and it came in exactly on time.
:12:45. > :12:47.In fact, when they finished it it was actually 20 minutes early.
:12:48. > :12:49.Than what they said it was going to be.
:12:50. > :12:51.And they had a massive, brilliant Opening Ceremony
:12:52. > :12:57.Oh, the baby with big wings that everybody talks about.
:12:58. > :13:05.Oh, is he the ancient God Toblerone that comes down and makes
:13:06. > :13:11.Sometimes when I'm driving home after a gig, like at 2.00am
:13:12. > :13:16.in the morning, I sort of start to nod off a little bit and then
:13:17. > :13:19.I look at the fellas doing roadworks - I've seen that.
:13:20. > :13:21.In other engineering news, how did Sarah Guppy's pillings
:13:22. > :13:24.contribute to the building of the Clifton Suspension Bridge?
:13:25. > :13:26.This bridge wouldn't have happened without her.
:13:27. > :13:31.Because she worked out how to stack up stone on a river
:13:32. > :13:34.bank so you could build a large bridge over it.
:13:35. > :13:37.Brunel should have, I think, given her the credit.
:13:38. > :13:42.Well, she declined to take any credit for this engineering
:13:43. > :14:00.She was a fool, clearly, regardless of pillings or otherwise.
:14:01. > :14:04.She also invented a dust-proof four-poster bed with built
:14:05. > :14:09.I thought a four-poster bed was an exercise machine!
:14:10. > :14:19.So on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
:14:20. > :14:40.-- Nigel Farage. It is Tory election fraud. If it is proved they rig the
:14:41. > :14:53.election then it means he becomes an MP. You've got to weigh up what you
:14:54. > :15:00.want. An honest election or him? I think we would have another
:15:01. > :15:04.decision. I make decisions on your behalf every day.
:15:05. > :15:18.They spent too much money on trying to win...
:15:19. > :15:20.They did not declare lots of young Tory
:15:21. > :15:23.volunteers getting on the bus and going down and staying the night,
:15:24. > :15:30.And then in the morning, they go around saying, vote
:15:31. > :15:35.You're meant to declare that locally and there is a suggestion
:15:36. > :15:37.they did it nationally, so it is a big accountancy story.
:15:38. > :15:41.The battlebus makes people feel important.
:15:42. > :15:47.I just call mine the 192 to Stockport.
:15:48. > :15:49.I might start calling that the battlebus.
:15:50. > :15:53.It was one of the most tightly fought battles
:15:54. > :15:54.in the country, according
:15:55. > :15:56.to the Daily Telegraph, Nigel Farage lost by less than 3000
:15:57. > :16:01.Ukip supporters were outraged by the allegations of
:16:02. > :16:03.overspending, while Telegraph readers were outraged
:16:04. > :16:13.What has the Conservative Party been doing to assist with the
:16:14. > :16:33.This is the allegations about Tory elections expenses.
:16:34. > :17:01.The alleged electoral abuse has been picked
:17:02. > :17:03.up by Russia Today, who have
:17:04. > :17:07.long campaigned against electoral fraud ever since that time Vladimir
:17:08. > :17:13.Putin only polled a suspiciously low 107% of the votes.
:17:14. > :17:20.This is, the invisible man has been found dead.
:17:21. > :17:33.Was this a lad, a teenager who, in an art gallery or museum,
:17:34. > :17:37.put sunglasses on the floor and people started randomly throughout
:17:38. > :17:42.the day looking at it as if it was a piece of art?
:17:43. > :17:46.Charles Saatchi bought it for 5 million quid.
:17:47. > :17:49.The other one is Short-sighted Man Wees
:17:50. > :17:57.They were put in the San Francisco Museum of modern Art by
:17:58. > :17:59.17-year-old prankster TJ Khayatan, who was
:18:00. > :18:01.unimpressed with some of the
:18:02. > :18:04.art on display and he set out to test the theory that people will
:18:05. > :18:07.look at and artistically interpret anything in a gallery setting and it
:18:08. > :18:16.It was not just his glasses, it was a
:18:17. > :18:52.This is the student who turned his own
:18:53. > :18:55.spectacles into an artwork by putting them on the floor of a
:18:56. > :18:59.Actually the joke was on him as he completely ruined the ?10
:19:00. > :19:00.million world-renowned work of art called Floor.
:19:01. > :19:10.Is it the difference between London and Manchester?
:19:11. > :19:11.The South and the North, different
:19:12. > :19:18.I know it's picky, but they will start writing
:19:19. > :19:25.This is the news that according to a recent study the London accent
:19:26. > :19:27.is taking over the UK, killing off regional twangs.
:19:28. > :19:30.COCKNEY ACCENT: I thought that a few times, to be honest.
:19:31. > :19:37.YORKSHIRE ACCENT: There are some that say it goes the
:19:38. > :19:50.According to Doctor David Britton, who worked on
:19:51. > :19:55.Mainly due to increased social mobility, although another culprit
:19:56. > :20:03.When Coronation Street started in 1960 a
:20:04. > :20:05.lot of people had not heard that accent outside
:20:06. > :20:08.RP ACCENT: Everyone on telly sounded like this.
:20:09. > :20:27.You only find it in the north-east of England.
:20:28. > :20:38.I've had one in my eye for 12 years.
:20:39. > :20:44.Those words that you use in Manchester,
:20:45. > :20:47.I've always found it fascinating, like we used
:20:48. > :20:48.the words like mithered, as
:20:49. > :20:56.What I really like is some of the swear words, we use knobhead
:20:57. > :21:02.Which is weird, because there's loads of them here.
:21:03. > :21:11.This is the survey that tells us regional accents are dying
:21:12. > :21:16.One of the things the study looked that was how people pronounce
:21:17. > :21:20.It's quite simple, in the south we say butter.
:21:21. > :21:43.Marina Stepanova, MC Hammer, Sara Blizzard and Doctor
:21:44. > :21:51.Out of all those, Doctor Henry Heimlich,
:21:52. > :21:54.who invented the Heimlich manoeuvre, this was an interesting story, last
:21:55. > :21:57.week, I think he's in a care home now, at the age of 96,
:21:58. > :22:01.started choking, and he was on hand to do the Heimlich manoeuvre and it
:22:02. > :22:05.is the first time ever he's ever actually been called upon to do it,
:22:06. > :22:09.He is obviously attacking THAT woman, so
:22:10. > :22:17.Who are the other people you mentioned?
:22:18. > :22:19.Marina Stepanova, she does the hurdles.
:22:20. > :22:39.She's a weather presenter for East Midlands Today,
:22:40. > :22:43.taking over from the much loved Karen Pissingitdown.
:22:44. > :22:50.I read this story about MC Hammer, he
:22:51. > :22:58.They all have highly appropriate names apart from
:22:59. > :23:01.MC Hammer who recently revealed that he's scared of hammers.
:23:02. > :23:09.In a recent interview he said, using hammers...
:23:10. > :23:14.Henry Heimlich, according to the Daily Mail, the 96-year-old
:23:15. > :23:17.leapt into action and was at his patient's side in less than an hour.
:23:18. > :23:23.How did Doctor Heimlich play a pivotal role in the engagement of
:23:24. > :23:31.They were both, they both thought one day they
:23:32. > :23:34.might choke so they were having lessons?
:23:35. > :23:35.Did Carrie Fisher do the
:23:36. > :23:37.Heimlich manoeuvre on Dan Ackroyd or vice versa?
:23:38. > :23:44.I'm going to say Carrie was doing it to Dan.
:23:45. > :23:52.Dan saved Carrie's life by performing the
:23:53. > :23:54.Heimlich manoeuvre after she choked on a Brussels sprout.
:23:55. > :24:09.After saving her life, Dan Ackroyd proposed and Carrie
:24:10. > :24:13.According to the sun, while working on Britain's Got
:24:14. > :24:21.At least, that's what they told the runner
:24:22. > :24:29.Let me know if you can tell me the occupations
:24:30. > :24:31.of the following people, these are all genuine.
:24:32. > :25:08.Ian Hislop's voice isn't quite the same
:25:09. > :25:12.And the Ian Hislop I know knows nothing about
:25:13. > :25:19.It's Ross Kemp in an Ian Hislop suit.
:25:20. > :25:27.Time now for the missing words round which
:25:28. > :25:29.this week features as its guest publication, Rubber Chicken, the
:25:30. > :25:39.What is possibly the most Waitrose thing ever?
:25:40. > :25:41.The fig horseradish kale crisps that are in
:25:42. > :26:04.Waitrose say they are promoting the beer to
:26:05. > :26:06.appeal to a growing demographic among their shoppers, the second
:26:07. > :26:12.Westminster Abbey to be turned over to the police.
:26:13. > :26:27.When they heard about the protests from
:26:28. > :26:30.members of the Church, several of the models walked out, before
:26:31. > :26:32.stopping, posing, turning round and walking back in again.
:26:33. > :26:48.I mean, I don't know what he gets up to, maybe it's not.
:26:49. > :26:57.Hawking called Trump a demagogue who appeals to the lowest
:26:58. > :27:01.Trump is expected to reply to the comments as soon as he's
:27:02. > :27:05.After hearing Hawking's comments about his
:27:06. > :27:07.intelligence, Donald Trump responded by saying,
:27:08. > :27:24.Cash in hand, before I put the hat on.
:27:25. > :27:28.The final scores are, Paul and Jess with
:27:29. > :27:31.four, but Ian and Jason romp away with the night with seven.
:27:32. > :27:40.And I leave you with news that at London Zoo the vet begins a
:27:41. > :27:56.That's the noise it makes when you stick a
:27:57. > :28:09.At Claridges in London, the chefs react quickly as
:28:10. > :28:11.Gordon Ramsey falls into the deep fat fryer.
:28:12. > :28:19.And in Dover, there is a triumph for the Remain
:28:20. > :28:21.campaign as they lure Boris Johnson onto a zip
:28:22. > :28:23.wire that goes all the