0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:38MONTAGE: Good evening...
0:00:38 > 0:00:41And welcome... To... Have I Got... News... For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Tracey Ullman.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I'm Nick Clegg. I'm Gary Lineker.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45I'm Katherine Ryan.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I'm Stephen Mangan.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49In the news this week, word spreads that Rupert Murdoch
0:00:49 > 0:00:53has rewritten his will to cut out his children.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55MALEVOLENT LAUGHTER
0:00:55 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:02In Essex, one passenger takes the easy option after foolishly
0:01:02 > 0:01:05asking a taxi driver for his opinions on Brexit.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And the Republican party put in place measures to ensure
0:01:17 > 0:01:20a scandal-free presidency as Donald Trump spots an attractive
0:01:20 > 0:01:22woman in the crowd.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:36This is our new Prime Minister. Not him! Don't have a heart attack!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Oh, justice being done.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41The Government doesn't have power on its own to trigger
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Article 50 and it has to refer it to Parliament.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I actually launched a legal challenge to try and stop the
0:01:45 > 0:01:48subject coming up on this show, but unfortunately...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I think we should have warned the National Grid.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Because there's going to be a massive upsurge in
0:01:54 > 0:01:57electricity demand as people go to put the kettle on.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Or switch on their electric chairs.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:07There doesn't seem to be any kind of plan for getting out of the EU,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11but Tory MP Andrew Davies seemed pretty sure that Brexit
0:02:11 > 0:02:13will definitely be sorted.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15And conference, mark my words -
0:02:15 > 0:02:19we will make breakfast... Brexit! ..a success.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Could it be that the entire nation has voted under
0:02:27 > 0:02:29a slight misapprehension?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33They're merely wanting breakfast?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37I mean, you were there - she didn't really like many of the Tories,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- did she? The old ones.- No.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Neither did I, actually, but there we are.- Did you like her?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Did you like Theresa May?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I-I-I... LAUGHTER
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Anyway, the answer...!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- It's all right, she's not going to offer you a job!- No!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- No, I doubt that very much!- Do you still speak to David Cameron, Nick?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02No, anyway, moving on. Um...
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Do you still phone him up when you're drunk?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:12We had a visit by an American president.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15He said, "unless you stay in the EU, you'll go to the back of the queue",
0:03:15 > 0:03:19which is a mistake with British people, because we think, "Great! Queue!"
0:03:19 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I'll go back again and queue up!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29I feel like I've come to the country far too late, because before
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Britain joined the Common Market, this must have been paradise.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It really was paradise, wasn't it?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Only had to go work three days a week...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42So, Eddie, you're pro-EU.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Who is your unlikely ally, it emerged this week?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Thinking people of the United Kingdom?- No, it's Jeremy Clarkson.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51If you can't trust someone who punches a younger man in the
0:03:51 > 0:03:54face when he doesn't get a steak, who CAN you trust?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Jeremy Clarkson said the EU is...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03So why is he in favour of it, then?
0:04:04 > 0:04:09- What special powers did Boris appear to gain this week?- He went home.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13At the time that his wife was expecting him.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Don't be ridiculous!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Well, Alistair Higham on Twitter
0:04:18 > 0:04:21thinks he may have been watching too much Star Wars.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Watch how Boris deals with this cameraman.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- That's... That's scary.- Yeah.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Theresa May has inspired the acronym JAM for those who are
0:04:36 > 0:04:37"just about managing",
0:04:37 > 0:04:40although for some reason, she hasn't come up with a term yet
0:04:40 > 0:04:43for those fat cats who are "cleaning up nicely, thanks".
0:04:43 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Ah, yes - this is news that Toblerone
0:04:51 > 0:04:53has changed the shape of its chocolate bars.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57What's happened is that the traditional pyramid shape of
0:04:57 > 0:04:59the Toblerone, in order to save costs,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01they've actually made the Toblerone gaps bigger.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04As you can see, a lot of these people are very angry about it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07There we are. That's very amusing.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Fantastic! That is great!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13At what point was it not ludicrous that the presenter of The Apprentice
0:05:13 > 0:05:16in America could become the Commander In Chief?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It's like saying the presenter of Have I Got News for You could
0:05:18 > 0:05:20become Foreign Secretary...
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Anyway.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Um...!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Did you see how the news was reported in the world's press?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yes, there were some brilliant headlines.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Here is a German newspaper...
0:05:34 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:41How did Trump echo Martin Luther King in his victory speech?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Well, Martin Luther King had a dream and...this guy's a nightmare.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48APPLAUSE
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Who would like to see the Dalai Lama take on The Donald?- Yes.- Yes.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Me.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57- Have you met Donald Trump?- Never.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59What do you think of him?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01I don't know. Sometimes you see,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03his sort of, the way his hair...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Something like that,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07and his mouth... Small...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:14 > 0:06:16JO BRAND: Who did Trump invite to sit in the front row
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and make Hillary feel weird?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Was it Putin?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- No...- Barack's half-brother.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Yes, indeed, that's right.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28He doesn't like his brother, the president. Do you know why?
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Sibling rivalry.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Well, I suppose it kind of amounts to that.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I mean, Malik Obama told ITV...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Despite Trump's claims, not all of the media is against him.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48One paper has already endorsed him
0:06:48 > 0:06:50on its front page with the headline...
0:06:51 > 0:06:53That's from the Crusader,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56the in-house newspaper of the Ku Klux Klan.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Before you jump to conclusions, it's not all racial hatred - it's
0:06:59 > 0:07:03got regular lifestyle items with tips on sewing and basic woodwork.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I think this is the contents of the Queen's speech.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16There wasn't a great deal there, she basically said,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"I'll see you after the referendum".
0:07:19 > 0:07:22What had the Queen watched for several hours earlier in the week?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- It was the Queen's life with... - Told with horses.- Told with horses!
0:07:26 > 0:07:31The horse said, "I remember the day she became Queen".
0:07:31 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:36And the thing about it, I mean, I'm not like a massive royalist,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39but I was just thinking, like, I love Prince Harry, right?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I think he's brilliant. Probably for all the wrong reasons.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47I thought it would be amazing if he one day ended up as King
0:07:47 > 0:07:50because to have his life acted out by horses...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Could you imagine? Just...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59The Queen is 90 years old and still going strong.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- So it's time for our Quick Queen Quiz.- Right.- Yes!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE
0:08:06 > 0:08:10To mark the Queen's wartime work as a mechanic,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12what did Kwik-Fit offer to do?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Get Prince Philip up in the blocks.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Have a look underneath there...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23They sculpted a portrait out of motoring accessories.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Are you sure that's the Queen? It looks like Colonel Gaddafi.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It was called The Queen Of Parts. ..Right.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37German magazine Der Spiegel
0:08:37 > 0:08:40put a touching tribute on their front page.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46It was an article specially commissioned by Prince Charles!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yes, of course, this is the triumph of the Foxes, Leicester City.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- I know why they won.- Yes.- 4-4-2.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Oh, really?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01APPLAUSE
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Tell us about that, Ian.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Tell us about 4-4-2(!)
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Um, well, you've got, um... - Here we go.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Ten players together...- Uh-huh...
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Four of them are in one bit... - Yeah...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Four of them in another and two right over there in another bit.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22They might get relegated next year, that'd be funny, wouldn't it?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I didn't watch the parade on telly,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I followed it on the internet.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35You could track Danny Simpson's tag.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:42 > 0:09:43How else are Leicester fans
0:09:43 > 0:09:45capitalising on their team's victory?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Well, some fans actually are selling jars of Leicester City air...
0:09:50 > 0:09:51RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Sorry, I've not... - No, it's going well.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57They've just opened the lid in the ground and closed it again,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00but it was still a better atmosphere then you get at Arsenal.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03GROANS, APPLAUSE
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Yes, this is the shock result that has turned even non-football fans
0:10:08 > 0:10:10like myself into experts.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Leicester Rovers have won the Premier Division Cup.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:17It's a wonderfully romantic story, and to think,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19none of it would have happened if the previous manager hadn't
0:10:19 > 0:10:22left the club after his son was sacked after filming his mates
0:10:22 > 0:10:24having an orgy with local women in a Bangkok hotel room.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Yes, that's Panama - someone handing over money.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40It's a massive exposure of this Panamanian company which sets
0:10:40 > 0:10:42up offshore for money-laundering, tax evasion...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45RUMBLING OVERHEAD
0:10:45 > 0:10:46It's Putin.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Various world leaders have been building up stacks of
0:10:50 > 0:10:54tax-free cash offshore. What has the president of the UAE been
0:10:54 > 0:10:56secretly doing with all his money?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Bought up London property.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Exactly right, yeah.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02He's bought £1.2 billion worth of London properties.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06He's bought half of Oxford Street and parts of Mayfair.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09He didn't get the utilities or the stations, though...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:11 > 0:11:13..which are actually better value.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17On the other hand, it does keep Britain safe, in a way.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Because for as long as the president of Bananistan
0:11:20 > 0:11:24has got his ill-gotten money squirrelled away in UK property,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26they're not going to attack the UK.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31So eventually, you don't need MI5, MI6 and anything,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33all you need is Foxton's.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:41The first casualty of the scandal was Iceland's Prime Minister,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43who has been forced to resign.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47He's also in danger of having his assets frozen.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Still, that's what happens if you go sunbathing in Reykjavik.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Ronnie Corbett, that one's for you.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:11:57APPLAUSE
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Ah, yes, this is the new Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Lots of people getting out and voting.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09This is the various elections we've had.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13What camping metaphor did Sadiq Khan use to describe Labour's future?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16We have to appeal to people outside of our own tents.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Yeah, that's almost exactly it, he said...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24To which, Jeremy Corbyn quickly responded...
0:12:30 > 0:12:33It's just that everybody else is outside, pissing into it.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Boris Johnson's term as Mayor of our capital city
0:12:37 > 0:12:39has come to an end after eight years,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43so let's take the opportunity to look back at his time in office.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45What is going on here?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48He looks like a UKip supporter bauble.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Tim, you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Let's have a look at some footage from the Lib Dem party
0:13:02 > 0:13:06conference a few weeks back, just to see how well it's going.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Do you know which political party is having a conference here this week?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I don't know.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Have you any idea?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Do you know which political party has got its conference going
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- on here at the moment? - Yeah, that one, there.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20What do you think of them?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22What do I think of 'em? Who are they?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:26It's going well. Going well.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Suzanne, surely you must still be tempted to rejoin the Tory party?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- No.- Leave all those UKip nutters behind?- No, they're not nutters.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34No, no, no.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36They're a great bunch of people, Ukip, and I'm sticking with Ukip.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Well, at least, I hope, if they let me back in! Please!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- You're suspended for what, six months?- Six months.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Are you going to appeal? - I absolutely am.- Try and get a year?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Yeah.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:49APPLAUSE
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Jeremy Corbyn didn't do well in Scotland because people in
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Scotland don't trust anyone who looks old but still has teeth.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- JOE WILKINSON: - That's, er...that's a woman.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Quite a big, can I say that? Big bum?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10That's the fella she's with, nice fella.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Did I get it right?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18So, what is the story about these people?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21There's already a TV series at the minute which just finished
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- on BBC Two, and that is The Trial... - What, with them in it?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26..Of OJ Simpson.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Well, Kim Kardashian's father
0:14:28 > 0:14:31was one of the men responsible for getting OJ off,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33and then he died of karma, I mean, cancer. And then...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE
0:14:37 > 0:14:39This is the massive mainstream news
0:14:39 > 0:14:42that Kim Kardashian actually came to London this week.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Ian, I feel like I haven't given you enough opportunity to show
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- your knowledge on the Kardashian family.- No.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53So, I will give you a point for every Kardashian sister you can name.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Just move on, let's just move on.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I didn't actually know she had sisters.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I'm just getting over the fact that Kanye West isn't a constituency.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10APPLAUSE
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You know what, it's a dynasty, and it's kind of worth learning about.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I think they've earned their place at this point...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19No, what the fuck do they do?!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22How have they earned their place?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24What do they do?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26APPLAUSE
0:15:26 > 0:15:27In other femi-news,
0:15:27 > 0:15:31where did women narrowly fail to break down a sexist barrier?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Muirfield golf club, they've refused to have women playing golf.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36That's it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39And therefore they can't have the Open Golf Championship there.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Do women actually want to join this club?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- I mean, they sound ghastly. - It does sound awful.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Not a member of a club yourself, old boy?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I'm a member of a couple of clubs.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- Oh, ah!- Um...
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Tell us.- Er...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Yeah...?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Go on.- Is it the Alzheimer's League?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Yes, top BBC golfing commentator Peter Alliss told the Telegraph:
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Does he even know how competitive
0:16:18 > 0:16:20the "Marry a rich old white guy" market is?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25How many Jerry Halls do I have to punch in the tit
0:16:25 > 0:16:28just to get a free gin and tonic?
0:16:32 > 0:16:37And so, to round two. Shall we play a game of Whose Bald Bonce Is This?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Yes.- Right, teams, fingers on buzzers.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Here's your first bald bonce.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- BUZZER Who's that?- Iain Duncan Smith.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48- Yes, it is.- Hooray!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Ian, you made him cry, didn't you?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Um...
0:16:53 > 0:16:56APPLAUSE
0:16:58 > 0:16:59I did.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03I made a documentary about Victorian benefits,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07and I asked him some questions about the poor law, and workhouses,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and he suddenly started crying when he told me
0:17:10 > 0:17:16about this young girl who had no start in life and he wanted to help.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20And then people said, "Well, what did you do when he cried,
0:17:20 > 0:17:21"did you comfort him?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And I said, "No, it's Iain Duncan Smith."
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- Who is that?- Bobby Charlton. - Right profession.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Somebody old in football, is that it?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36He will be thrilled to hear that.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38It's Ray Wilkins.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Why has he been in the news? - He hasn't.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Suck it up.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54This game needs a little bit of refining, I think.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE THEME TUNE
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- I've always wanted to do this! - Fingers on buzzers.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Why are there 12 stars on the EU flag?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Is that how many times we've won the World Cup?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13You have to press your button! BUZZER
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Jason.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- It's us. It's us.- What?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Oh, sorry.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25That's one of the things they test when you go to university,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27can you spot a light coming on?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I was looking over there. I didn't know there were lights.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35It's nice in the winter months though.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37What was the question?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Oh, because there were originally 12 member states.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41No.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43There is no reason.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45There just are 12, arranged in a circle,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48that apparently symbolises unity.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Or it may not.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55In 1866, Lichtenstein sent its entire army of 80 soldiers
0:18:55 > 0:18:57off to the Austro-Prussian War.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00What was unusual about the number of soldiers that returned?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02BUZZER
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Merton, Merton.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- Do I have to go like this? - He wasn't at Merton.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Merton, Life.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- BELL Jason, Hislop.- There was more.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- What?- There was more, I was going to say.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Yes, do you know the...?- I don't know, is that the actual answer?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Yeah, yeah, because when they got there,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31they just starting chatting to someone who was dead nice.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- He was really nice. - Lovely uniform, brass buttons.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- They look after you.- Yes, 80 went to war. And 81 came back.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42They'd...they'd been forbidden to engage in any form of
0:19:42 > 0:19:44military combat so none were killed,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47and then an Italian joined up because he was looking for work.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54BUZZER
0:19:54 > 0:19:57A goose has been travelling on the train without a season ticket.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00It's been travelling from Brighton to Guildford for the last five years,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03and it's not his card, he's using somebody else's.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Well, that's nearly right, but it's a duck on an aeroplane.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Oh, it's a duck on an aeroplane.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11This is the news that a duck has been providing comfort
0:20:11 > 0:20:14to nervous flyers on a flight across America.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18He quacks to soothe his nervous owner and is called an:
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Oh, you've just made this up.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing:
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Brilliant.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31If I was having an anxiety attack on a plane,
0:20:31 > 0:20:37the sight of a duck in little red boots would not calm me at all.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Shall we move on to other animal news?- Why not?- Other animal news?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Why not?- What record has a Peterborough hen set this week?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Most eggs.- No, it laid the biggest ever egg. Here it is.- Wow!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- Whoa!- Do we not get a picture of the chicken that laid that egg?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57No, it's in intensive care, I imagine.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03BELL
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Is it Essex women? - That's it, yes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08The term Essex girl was in the dictionary,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11and this is the news that two girls from Essex
0:21:11 > 0:21:14are trying to get that term removed.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Collins defines it as:
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Doesn't seem too bad. - That's all right.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Why would anyone have a problem with that?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34And who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign?
0:21:34 > 0:21:35The Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40- No, it was a star of Ian's favourite show, Gemma Collins.- TOWIE?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Here she is.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45It is absolutely outrageous in today's society that the dictionary,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48which, I'm a massive fan of the dictionary.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51You know, we should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway,
0:21:51 > 0:21:55because, like, it is such an amazing, like,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57historical British thing, isn't it?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Every story ever written's in the dictionary.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04You've just got to put the words in the right order.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Time now for the odd one out round.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Marina Stepanova, MC Hammer,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Sara Blizzard, and Dr Henry Heimlich.- Ah!
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Out of all those, Dr Henry Heimlich, who invented the Heimlich manoeuvre,
0:22:18 > 0:22:19this was an interesting story last week,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23I think he's in a sort of care home now at the age of 96
0:22:23 > 0:22:25and a fellow resident started choking,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28and he was on hand to do the Heimlich manoeuvre
0:22:28 > 0:22:32and it's the first time ever he's actually been called upon to do it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34And saved this woman's life.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35There he's obviously attacking that woman,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39so he's got a dark side to him.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- So, who are the other people that you mentioned?- Marina Stepanova.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Yeah.- She does the hurdles. "Steppin' over."
0:22:47 > 0:22:50400m hurdles, though. Really high.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Bottom left, Sara Blizzard, did you say?- Sara Blizzard.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- She's a weather woman. - Sara Blizzard is a weather presenter
0:23:01 > 0:23:03for East Midlands Today,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06taking over from the much-loved Karen Pissing-it-down.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Yes, they all have highly appropriate names apart from
0:23:10 > 0:23:13MC Hammer who recently revealed that he's scared of hammering.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15How did Dr Heimlich play a pivotal role
0:23:15 > 0:23:18in the engagement of Carrie Fisher and Dan Ackroyd?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Did Carrie Fisher do the Heimlich manoeuvre to Dan Ackroyd?- No.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Dan's doing it to Carrie?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Dan saved Carrie's life by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre
0:23:27 > 0:23:29after she choked on a Brussels sprout.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- I don't know why that's funny. - Bloody Brussels!
0:23:38 > 0:23:42The instance of a name being linked to what you do is known as:
0:23:43 > 0:23:47A phrase first suggested by linguistics expert Norman Ative
0:23:47 > 0:23:50and his German colleague Dieter Minism.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Oh, wow.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Brilliant.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58APPLAUSE
0:24:01 > 0:24:04This has got an end of series feel about it, hasn't it?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06You wouldn't dare put that on the first show.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- No, all the jokes that got left lying around.- Scrape them up.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I'll do 'em.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Time now for the missing rounds round. And we start with:
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Sandwich.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Are still in charge of Brexit negotiations.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32New look Spice Girls are back.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39The answer is:
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Language historian Dr Todd Gray MBE has been researching
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Britain's best old-fashioned swear words.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Also including nippy, tarse and wittol.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52And before you write in to complain,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I can use these words as it's after the 1648 watershed.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Next:
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Pours chocolate sauce over labrador.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Ices own paunch.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12That's excellent. I think that's the best answer we've ever had.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Ices his own paunch? That's a fantastic sentence. It's poetry.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23That should be the answer to every single question from now on.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Do you know what he did?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29And here they are.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Next:
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Heads for Mexican border.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42APPLAUSE
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Bus disguised as brick wall seeks similar.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51It's:
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Here is the bus.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Next:
0:26:03 > 0:26:06If you support Leicester City.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Is it "If you are alive"?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh, Ian!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24And finally:
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Milk!
0:26:29 > 0:26:30In bottles. Milk in bottles.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Yeah, in trendy parts of London, they want...they want, um,
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- milk in bottles because it's somehow real.- Yes.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Yes. Hipster milk comes in skimmed, semi-skimmed and full twat.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Don't put your keys in me, I'm not a handbag yet.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01The Empire strikes bake.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Ohhh!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:08They're just bodyguards, don't you think?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10To protect her from being stolen by Channel 4.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16They've got Imperial stormtroopers surrounding Mary at all moments.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Paul Hollywood, little droid.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Mary...
0:27:21 > 0:27:24HE HUMS IMPERIAL MARCH FROM STAR WARS
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- Are you having one of your turns again, Ian?- Yeah.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34You wanted me to point it out next time it happened, do you remember?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Thanks, thanks, sorry.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40He gets a nosebleed when he starts dealing with popular culture.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43And I leave you with news that
0:27:43 > 0:27:46arriving in Brussels for a mini-break,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48one woman gets a nasty surprise
0:27:48 > 0:27:51as she tries to change her pounds into euros.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:00At Claridge's in London, the chefs react quickly
0:28:00 > 0:28:03as Gordon Ramsay falls into the deep fat fryer.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And as more revelations about BHS emerge,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Philip Green poses for a photo shoot
0:28:12 > 0:28:15in a doomed attempt to show he's not a prick.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Good night.