0:00:12 > 0:00:13What have I let myself in for?
0:00:13 > 0:00:23Not the first time you've said that.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52This
0:00:52 > 0:00:52This programme
0:00:52 > 0:00:52This programme contains
0:00:52 > 0:00:52This programme contains some
0:00:52 > 0:00:52This programme contains some strong
0:00:52 > 0:00:55This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Good evening.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Nick Clegg.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04In the news this week.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06On the train to Newcastle, Jeremy Corbyn's claim that
0:01:06 > 0:01:08all the seats were taken is further undermined by what his advisers
0:01:08 > 0:01:12were up to in the next carriage.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14After a decisive Brexit Cabinet meeting, Theresa May is relieved
0:01:14 > 0:01:21to have settled on a clear direction for the nation.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31And at his constituency in Surrey, Michael Gove reflects
0:01:31 > 0:01:33on the possibility of anyone in politics trusting him ever again.
0:01:33 > 0:01:40Never, never, never.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who has given advice to anxious
0:01:43 > 0:01:46school kids saying...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49"people need to relax and try not to get too stressed
0:01:49 > 0:01:50out over results."
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I could have done with you in May 2015.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Please welcome, Kevin Bridges.
0:01:53 > 0:01:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:02With Paul tonight is a comedian who admits she's not great
0:02:02 > 0:02:03at time keeping saying...
0:02:03 > 0:02:08"minutes sneak away from me, they leave in groups of 10."
0:02:08 > 0:02:10You call them minutes, I call them voters.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Please welcome, Roisin Conaty.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18APPLAUSE
0:02:18 > 0:02:20We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Paul and Roisin, take a look at this.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29This is the Ukip clock which moves very, very quickly.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32She's winding it up with her hands.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34This is Nigel Farage, who finds everything funny.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37This is the man who may or may not have been in a fight.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Collapsed, he's all right now.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41He's in hospital, but he's got his European health insurance card.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Exactly.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Who is the man who was involved in the altercation?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48His second name's like Mike Hook...
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Hooker.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Jab, Punch.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Mike Headbutt.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Jimmy The Hands.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Ricky Scarface But Seen It.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Ukip MEP, Mike Hookem, who's also Ukip's defence spokesman.
0:03:00 > 0:03:06APPLAUSE
0:03:06 > 0:03:09And there was speculation that Hookem had gone on-the-run
0:03:09 > 0:03:12from French police.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Trigs on Twitter tweeted...
0:03:21 > 0:03:24APPLAUSE
0:03:24 > 0:03:26It's good that they're literally having a leadership
0:03:26 > 0:03:30battle, ain't it?
0:03:30 > 0:03:37Other parties do it in metaphors.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Ukip, they smack each other in the head.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41We should say that Mike Hookem denies there was any violence
0:03:41 > 0:03:43or that he was pursued by the police.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45But why are they still going?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47They're called the United Kingdom Independence Party,
0:03:47 > 0:03:48you've done it, go away.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50What are they doing on a day-to-day basis?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51What's in their 'to do' list?
0:03:51 > 0:03:56You could ask this that of any politician.
0:03:56 > 0:04:06Politicians sometimes ask themselves, actually.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08They're there to make sure that there's no backsliding.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10That there's not some huge resurgence led,
0:04:10 > 0:04:11say by Nick.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Why on earth did Diane quit as leader after 18 days?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16The way she was waving there, she found that hard
0:04:16 > 0:04:17to maintain for 18 days.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Repetitive strain injury.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Is that right?
0:04:19 > 0:04:26No, according to the BBC, she cited...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28So that pretty much covers everything.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30There was one pretty clear give away that Diane wasn't
0:04:30 > 0:04:31too keen to do the job.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32What was that?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I don't want the job, she said.
0:04:34 > 0:04:42Apparently, when she signed the official forms to take over
0:04:42 > 0:04:44the party leadership, Diane had added, in Latin,
0:04:44 > 0:04:45the words "under duress."
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Are you serious?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Are they like the Mafia?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49What is Latin for under duress?
0:04:49 > 0:04:57Underis duressum.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58You should be in Harry Potter!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00It's vi coactus.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03This is quite a bleak story, Nick.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06The woman's like under duress, like, sort of...
0:05:06 > 0:05:09She probably hasn't got a friend in the world.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The only thing she can do is write a help message in Latin.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Some day somebody will pick up on it and be able to figure out what had
0:05:16 > 0:05:17happened to this poor woman.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Yes.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25She must have hoped that Boris would read it somehow and charge
0:05:25 > 0:05:26and charge in to the rescue.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29One reason suggested for Diane quitting was an unpleasant incident
0:05:29 > 0:05:32where she was spat at at Waterloo station, but it's not the first
0:05:32 > 0:05:34time she's been faced with a thuggish man's spital.
0:05:34 > 0:05:40Looks like a Listerine advert, doesn't it?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42So Farage is back as leader or is he?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Sky News had a good way of dealing with any confusion.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48They captured an interview with Farage like this...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59What did Farage say when asked if he would return
0:05:59 > 0:06:03permanently as leader?
0:06:03 > 0:06:04He said never.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05No, absolutely not.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Someone said if he'd do it for ?10 million, and he said no.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Asked if he'd do it for $20 million, he replied...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Sod it, I'll do it if they're offering that much.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Farage has more exciting things to do these days.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20What's he up to this weekend?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22This is the debate with Trump.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26He's going to offer his advice.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28He's off to support fellow demagogue and post truth moron, Donald Trump,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30in the second presidential debate.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33There are rumours that Nigel...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36It's all right now saying it like it is, isn't it?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Do you still speak to David Cameron, Nick?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39I...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Anyway, moving on.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Do you still phone him up when you're drunk?
0:06:43 > 0:06:48APPLAUSE
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Nigel will be giving Trump tips on how to defeat Hillary.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56What does the Daily Mail think specifically
0:06:56 > 0:06:58qualifies him to do that?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Because he's won a huge referendum.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02No, not quite.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06According to the Mail...
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Thanks for that, chaps.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13So it's all your fault.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Yeah, most things are in the world.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19What sort of advice will he give Trump?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Just go in there and enjoy yourself.
0:07:21 > 0:07:27Get in there early.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Go for the big lie first.
0:07:30 > 0:07:37If you vote for me, $350 billion will be given.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42Each child in America will be given an extra leg.
0:07:42 > 0:07:48I think - I don't know how you feel about this, Nick -
0:07:48 > 0:07:51But I think if you make promises and you get elected based on them...
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Yes.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:55No, no, not being...
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I don't think people should be allowed to say things
0:07:59 > 0:08:01and huge events happen because of what they said.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02It's fraud.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Exactly.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Do you agree?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Especially, $350 million.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08If you put it on the side of a bus...
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Yeah.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Then I don't want to live in a world where you cannot trust what's
0:08:12 > 0:08:14written on the side of a bus.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15APPLAUSE
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Why does he need help at the moment, Donald Trump?
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Because he's a psychopath.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It's not funny.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22The whole campaign feels like being tickled.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25At the beginning it was a lot of fun and now
0:08:25 > 0:08:26it's really sickening.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Right.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29He's going to get in.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I really think he's going to get in.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32No, don't be so miserable.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Brexit!
0:08:37 > 0:08:42APPLAUSE
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I think if Donald Trump becomes president it's
0:08:44 > 0:08:50not a surprise attack, they've seen him coming for some
0:08:50 > 0:08:53time he'll have a heart attack or he'll be, you know,
0:08:53 > 0:08:54something will happen.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58He won't get passed February.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01It sounded like you were going to do it there, Paul.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Like - don't worry, I got this.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Let's just say that plans have been put into place.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08The American system has a very good way of just neutralising presidents
0:09:08 > 0:09:09they don't like anyway.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Obama came in, that was it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13The entire machinery just blocked him for eight years.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15So I'm sure the same will happen with Trump.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Who would like to see the Dalai Lama take
0:09:18 > 0:09:19on The Donald?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Yes.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Yes.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Me.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Have you met Donald Trump?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Never.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25What do you think of him?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26I don't know.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Sometimes you hear sort of the way his hair,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32something like that and his mouth, small...
0:09:32 > 0:09:41APPLAUSE
0:09:41 > 0:09:45The Independent revealed that Donald Trump has told
0:09:45 > 0:09:48terminally ill people "to stay alive long enough to vote for him"
0:09:48 > 0:09:50which has resulted in bad headlines for Trump but a surge
0:09:50 > 0:09:53in bookings at Dignitas.
0:09:53 > 0:10:00According to the Times, Tim Kaine, the Democrat
0:10:00 > 0:10:02vice-presidential candidate is...
0:10:06 > 0:10:10He insists on harmonica because Hillary panics
0:10:10 > 0:10:15when she hears the words "mouth" and "organ" too close together.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Mind you, har-monica brings back bad memories as well.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Ian and Kevin, take a look at this.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21This is our new Prime Minister.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Not him, don't have a heart attack.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26He's putting on a stupid hat someone's trying
0:10:26 > 0:10:28to put on a rosette.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30That's a tough one.
0:10:30 > 0:10:37Oh, no, he can't do it.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38BANG.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Looks a bit like KK clanhood, doesn't it?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Is this the Tory party conference?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Yes.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Well, there were two conferences, weren't there?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49The first one which was basically the Ukip conference where she said,
0:10:49 > 0:10:53boo to imgrants and foreigners and people who work in firms that
0:10:53 > 0:10:55are foreign, and we'll cut them all down.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Then there was the Labour Party Conference on the last
0:11:00 > 0:11:02day when she said - oh, tax avoiders, we'll get them,
0:11:02 > 0:11:03big business, capitalism - boo!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07So she's got the right, she's got the left and if you're
0:11:07 > 0:11:09in the middle, she thinks she's got you as well.
0:11:09 > 0:11:16Yep.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18So this is the first Conservative Party Conference
0:11:18 > 0:11:20with Theresa May as leader and Prime Minister.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21What was the big announcement?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23She's set a date for Brexit.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25That's it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Amusingly, she said it'll be right at the end of March,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30which means we'll leave the EU on 1st April.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I haven't even read Article 50 and she's prepared to trigger it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It took me about six months to get out of a Vodafone contract.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37She's getting stuff moving.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40She's going to indeed trigger Article 50 by March 2017,
0:11:40 > 0:11:45whatever that means.
0:11:45 > 0:11:51Some European thing, I've lost interest, completely.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54There doesn't seem to be any kind of plan of getting out
0:11:54 > 0:11:57of the EU, but Tory MP Andrew Davies seemed pretty sure that Brexit
0:11:57 > 0:12:00will definitely be sorted.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02And, Conference, mark my words, we will make breakfast...
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Brexit a success.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10APPLAUSE
0:12:10 > 0:12:15Could it be that the entire nation has voted under
0:12:15 > 0:12:17a slight misapprehension, we were merely wanting breakfast?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Now, should we be allowed to discuss Theresa May's clothes?
0:12:20 > 0:12:20Yes.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Yes, I suppose so.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Yes.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25We don't discuss Boris Johnson or Philip Hammond.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Yes, we do.
0:12:26 > 0:12:35We discuss Boris' hair, his ties.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Whether his trousers are off or on.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Yes.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Anyway she said, it's fine to talk about her shoes because then she can
0:12:41 > 0:12:42buy some more.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Yes.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44They were great shoes.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46She had an absolute pair of crackers on yesterday.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47They were very rock-and-roll.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50She came out to The Stones and it was like appropriating
0:12:50 > 0:12:54all this cool, hip.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56She kept quoting Sam Cooke - like a change
0:12:56 > 0:12:57is going to come.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58It's like...
0:12:58 > 0:12:59What?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02That's like a civil rights anthem and you're using it like,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04a change's going to come - foreigners getting out.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Theresa May may have severed most ties with David Cameron,
0:13:06 > 0:13:07but some things never change.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Who did she find the time to meet on a 36-hour whistle-stop visit
0:13:10 > 0:13:13to the United Nations in New York last month?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Justin Bieber.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18It was Rupert Murdoch.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Because, obviously, she hasn't been elected yet,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Because, obviously, she hasn't been elected yet, by him,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and then she flew back to give someone a kicking in those heels.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Probably Michael Gove.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30I mean, you were there.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32She didn't really like many of the Tories,
0:13:32 > 0:13:33did she?
0:13:33 > 0:13:34The old ones.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35No.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Neither did I, actually.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37But anyway.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Did you like her.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Did you like Theresa May?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Ah, I...
0:13:45 > 0:13:45Anyway, the answer.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It's all right, she's not going to offer you a job.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50No.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51No, I doubt that very much.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Now, Boris Johnson made a speech.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55What did he say were the two sides of liberty's golden
0:13:55 > 0:13:56coin?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Was it heads and tails?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59No.
0:13:59 > 0:13:59He said...
0:14:05 > 0:14:06APPLAUSE
0:14:06 > 0:14:08By which he meant the embodiments of economic
0:14:08 > 0:14:18and political freedom.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I mean you must have been welling up at that point, Ian.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23I was certainly throwing up.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I seem to remember that shortly after the vote a senior public
0:14:26 > 0:14:29figure appeared on Question Time with David Dimbleby calling
0:14:29 > 0:14:30for Boris Johnson to be arrested.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Can you remember who that was, Ian?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Yes, and I stick by it!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36What does Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt want to do?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38He wants to create more home-grown doctors.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Which is brilliant, if late.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41And there was some confusion about whether foreign doctors had
0:14:41 > 0:14:43to go home straight away.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44So you're in the middle of the consultation
0:14:44 > 0:14:46and, oh, they've gone!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Instead of luring them to stay, he is making it that they have
0:14:49 > 0:14:51to work for the NHS for four years after they graduate
0:14:51 > 0:14:53so they can't go somewhere else.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55After spending 70,000 each to train for five years, I imagine
0:14:55 > 0:14:57junior doctors would think that is pretty fair.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Perhaps one of them took this photo of Jeremy Hunt?
0:15:00 > 0:15:08APPLAUSE
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Jeremy Hunt definitely does have one fan.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Who is that?
0:15:12 > 0:15:19It's not me! Is it Jeremy Hunt?
0:15:19 > 0:15:24Who absolutely loved his own speech, as we can see here.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26And we must recognise it today.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31LOUD CLAPPING
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Fighting this horrible disease.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40We will launch the campaign you want.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Wow!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47It is the Conservative Party conference, where Theresa May has
0:15:47 > 0:15:49called on the Tories to embrace the centre ground.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51The Prime Minister criticised the liberal elite for belittling
0:15:51 > 0:15:52the intellectual capacity of ordinary voters.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Quite right.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57The time to do that is with an exam when they're 11 years old.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Theresa May has constantly reminded us that the people
0:16:00 > 0:16:03have voted for Brexit.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06She is less quick to remind us that people didn't vote
0:16:06 > 0:16:08for her to be Prime Minister.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10And let's face it, she only got the job
0:16:10 > 0:16:15because she was against a buffoon, a total git and Andrea Leadsom.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19It didn't work for everyone, though, did it?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21And so to round two.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25The Strengthometer of News. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Here's the first one.
0:16:29 > 0:16:36Ian and Kevin.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Fish, someone has found out that they talk to each other
0:16:39 > 0:16:40in regional accents.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42They talk to each other in regional accents?!
0:16:42 > 0:16:43They do.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46This is the news that scientists have been given ?300,000 to study
0:16:46 > 0:16:47whether cod have regional accents.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Why does it matter that some cod sound different to other cod?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54If they think the cod is a bit rough for them
0:16:54 > 0:16:58or a bit posh for them, they won't go with them, you know?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Like a Midlands cod wouldn't go with an Ascot cod.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01They can't find each other.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04BRUMMIE ACCENT: I love you but I can't help but feel
0:17:04 > 0:17:05that we shouldn't be together.
0:17:05 > 0:17:11You swim in deeper waters than I do.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14That is, extraordinarily enough, basically right.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19It can't be! How can that be right?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Global warming is pushing southern cod populations north so Cornish cod
0:17:22 > 0:17:26could be mingling with Scousers.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29According to the Daily Star...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39What will Dr Simpson do if his ?300,000 study into UK cod
0:17:39 > 0:17:43accents proves successful?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47He'll do another one for ?500,000!
0:17:47 > 0:17:51His next mission will be to see if haddock have regional accents.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56Ker-ching! That's a wind-up!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58He's going to go through every species, isn't he?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01And no one could ever prove him wrong because that would mean
0:18:01 > 0:18:02them spending ?300,000.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04These cod, they speak, and this one...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06This octopus has a Scouse accent.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09SCOUSE ACCENT: You're looking at me arms, I've got
0:18:09 > 0:18:11love here, darling!
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Watch where that one's going, it's right here, behind your back!
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I really hope they do have Scouse accents.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22We have been told it by the former leader of...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Who are you, again?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28This is indeed the news that a study has been conducted into whether cod
0:18:28 > 0:18:29have regional accents.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30They haven't!
0:18:30 > 0:18:31They don't speak.
0:18:31 > 0:18:38Do dogs fly helicopters? Maybe...
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46This is Jamie Oliver, he has got into trouble
0:18:46 > 0:18:50because he has come up with a recipe for paella which the Spaniards don't
0:18:50 > 0:18:53agree is paella and so he's got into trouble because of that.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Because he has added chorizo.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Uh-oh - chorizo!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I don't know what that is!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Plus some people don't find it very appetising because it's got
0:19:03 > 0:19:07a picture of his face right in the middle of it.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Some of the abuse was pretty bad.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11They said, why don't you go and make chicken nuggets out
0:19:11 > 0:19:14of your own fingers?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16A Spanish man, Antonio Villareal, tweeted...
0:19:22 > 0:19:24And one Daily Mail commenter added...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Why are people so angry?
0:19:32 > 0:19:33This is cultural appropriation.
0:19:33 > 0:19:39I have had chorizo in paella in Spain. Lots of times.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42But you are not allowed to say this is my recipe for paella
0:19:42 > 0:19:44because you are not Spanish.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47If you cook spaghetti Bolognese, anyone who cooks it tonight,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50is guilty of cultural appropriation.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53The only thing we're allowed to cook is fish fingers.
0:19:53 > 0:20:00That is Britain in Brexit future.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03He should have called it Paella al la Gibraltar...
0:20:03 > 0:20:10APPLAUSE
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Your wife is Spanish. Yes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15What would happen if you put a bit of chorizo in the paella?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17There are very strict rules of what should
0:20:17 > 0:20:19and shouldn't go into a paella.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Finally, something Nick's expert on!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Can anyone tell me what Jamie has named his newborn son?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Is it food-related? Yeah.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Basil.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Nonstick frying pan.
0:20:34 > 0:20:41George Foreman?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44His name is River Rocket.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45So there you go.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Putting the chorizo in the paella isn't the oddest choice
0:20:47 > 0:20:49he's made this year.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Jamie Oliver has outraged the people of Spain,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54several of them, by adding chorizo to his version of paella.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58One Spanish chef said that Jamie had landed in hot water.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Now the Spanish are arguing about how long he should be in hot
0:21:01 > 0:21:06water for and whether the lid should be on or off.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09It's just one between you this week.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Michael Gove, Gary Lineker, Nigel Farage and canoe
0:21:12 > 0:21:15man John Darwin.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Is it about beards? No.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22It's about how much you hated Michael Gove?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Not quite.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27It's about underpants. Yes.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30What?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Lineker, when Leicester City won the league, he promised...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35He promised to appear in his underpants.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37The canoe man was found selling underpants when they finally
0:21:37 > 0:21:40found him in, was he in Panama?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Or was that Amber Rudd's family?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44STIFLED LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Thank you very much(!)
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I hope that Amber Rudd marries somebody called Green
0:21:49 > 0:21:51and she would be like a traffic light, wouldn't she?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52"Amber Rudd Green".
0:21:52 > 0:21:55It just occurred to me, that's all.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Nigel Farage went skinny dipping, or the papers said he went skinny
0:21:58 > 0:22:00dipping, and he jumped off the end of a pier,
0:22:00 > 0:22:03which, again, when you first read it seemed a more positive
0:22:03 > 0:22:05story than it turned out.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07But then he said, no, I wasn't skinny-dipping,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I had my underpants on.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12So they had underpants on.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Gove, come on, you've worked with Gove.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Tell us about his underpants. Well...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18We have got nothing out of you this evening.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Well, you are quite right, they have all exposed their underwear
0:22:21 > 0:22:23in public except for John Darwin, the canoe man, who now
0:22:23 > 0:22:24sells underwear.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26So when did Gove expose his underwear in public?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Come on!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Was he in a Cabinet meeting?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Was it in an argument over education?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33He did it while he was a student at Oxford.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I think we can have a look at this.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'm going to let you know what's underneath my kilt.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Just bear with me, ladies and gentlemen.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Ordinarily people have to pay for this pleasure.
0:22:42 > 0:22:49And I have, underneath my kilt, a pair of Oxford Union boxer shorts.
0:22:49 > 0:22:56What rumour from Gove's student days was recently revealed?
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Anything, based on what I've just seen there!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03The university student newspaper Charwell reported that Gove took
0:23:03 > 0:23:07part in a five-in-a-bed romp with two male and two female students.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08What explanation did Gove allegedly give
0:23:08 > 0:23:13for taking part in the romp?
0:23:13 > 0:23:18He was horny?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21He fancied the other four?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24He didn't have his glasses on, he thought he was applying
0:23:24 > 0:23:26for a work permit.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Sources claim that Gove took part in the romp as he was only seeking
0:23:29 > 0:23:33comfort after being beaten up in Aberdeen on Boxing Day.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37To be fair, it is a national sport in Aberdeen, to beat up Michael Gove
0:23:37 > 0:23:38on Boxing Day.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40They have all exposed their underwear in public,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41except for John Darwin.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44On his last night as leader of Ukip, Nigel Farage went skinny-dipping
0:23:44 > 0:23:45in the English Channel.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47The sight of which convinced a dinghy full of desperate
0:23:47 > 0:23:49immigrants that they would be better off in Calais.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52And as soon as Mr Farage was seen floating in the sea,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56the beach lost its Blue Flag status.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Time now for the missing words round.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Which this week features as its guest publication
0:24:01 > 0:24:04The Village Sign Times.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06We start with...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Sandwich?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Are still in charge of Brexit negotiations.
0:24:17 > 0:24:23New-look Spice Girls are back.
0:24:25 > 0:24:30The answer is "will help you swear like an Elizabethan".
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Next...
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Inevitably, things turned to cannibalism.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Just outside Falkirk.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46The answer is he never actually visited Scotland.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Rather than visit Scotland to look at Scottish signs,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Ken spend an evening browsing the internet.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Though, remarkably, his article fails
0:24:51 > 0:24:53to mention this one.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Next...
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Gave her a buzz. Brilliant.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Thank you, that guy that clapped down there.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15The answer is "bought her a cake".
0:25:15 > 0:25:17The lady in question tweeted a picture of the cake,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20"Sorry I tased you".
0:25:26 > 0:25:30And finally...
0:25:36 > 0:25:40The've have had plastic surgery to resemble the motorway.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44The answer is, "they penned an ode to the road".
0:25:44 > 0:25:48And that's what happens when you move from grass to skunk.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Why did you take your glasses are so coolly, there?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53"That's what happens when you move from grass to skunk."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55He's done that before, hasn't he?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59That was well-practiced, that move.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I imagine you say that a lot!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Did you smoke skunk back in your uni days?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07What...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Come on, we're bringing up Michael Gove's student days -
0:26:10 > 0:26:12what about yours?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14People have done worse.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Have they?
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Your mate - he locked a pig.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Allegedly.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Allegedly.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30So, the final scores are...
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Paul and Roisin, four.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35And Ian and Kevin, five.
0:26:35 > 0:26:41APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Big dog and small dog...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52LAUGHTER
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Let me finish!
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Let me finish, please!
0:26:58 > 0:27:02You're on a roll - I'd leave it there!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Next...
0:27:04 > 0:27:11The Empire Strikes Bake. GROANS
0:27:11 > 0:27:13They're just bodyguards, don't you think?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16To protect her from being stolen by Channel 4.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20They've got Imperial Stormtroopers surrounding Mary at all moments.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Paul Hollywood? Little droid.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Mary...
0:27:26 > 0:27:30HUMS MARCH
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Are you having one of your turns again, Ian?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Yeah.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40You wanted me point it out the next time it
0:27:40 > 0:27:41happened - do you remember?
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Thanks, thanks - sorry.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46He gets a nosebleed when he starts dealing with popular culture.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50So has this been a worthwhile experience for you, do you reckon?
0:27:50 > 0:27:55It hasn't quite finished yet. Oh, really?
0:27:55 > 0:27:59And I leave you with news that during final practice
0:27:59 > 0:28:01for Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing, Ed Balls decides
0:28:01 > 0:28:04to end his quickstep by trying the splits.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12In Syria, as Russian warplanes go on yet another illegal bombing raid,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15the United States finally hit back.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And there's drama in the grounds of Balmoral as Prince Philip loses
0:28:21 > 0:28:23control of the barbecue.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Goodnight!
0:28:30 > 0:28:36APPLAUSE