0:00:31 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Gary Lineker. In the news this week...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45At the World Curling Championships in Canada,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48one member of the Scottish team regrets forgetting
0:00:48 > 0:00:49to pack his stone.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58There's irritation for one customer
0:00:58 > 0:01:01as not only is their pizza half an hour late,
0:01:01 > 0:01:03but all the olives have rolled off.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Hey! Hey!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Hey, Domino!
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Oi!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And in Devon, there's a good turnout for the opening day
0:01:15 > 0:01:16of the Dartmoor Lido.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27On Ian's team tonight is a stand-up comedian
0:01:27 > 0:01:29whose recent show included a rant
0:01:29 > 0:01:32about how much he hates Twitter and footballers.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34So that's two points to Paul Merton's team.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Welcome, Jon Richardson.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:45And with Paul tonight, we were due to have
0:01:45 > 0:01:48the former Education Secretary Nicky Morgan,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51but because of a falling out with Downing Street
0:01:51 > 0:01:54over Theresa May's £1,000 leather trousers,
0:01:54 > 0:01:55she's decided not to come.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57So in her place, please welcome
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Nicky Morgan's £1,000 leather handbag.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:15So that bag is worth £1,000, is it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Not at the moment. It's doing very little for its money.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I'm hoping that it will justify its appearance fee
0:02:21 > 0:02:23by the end of the programme.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Ian and Jon, take a look at this.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Well, that's brown trouser time,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34particularly for her.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35That's Nicky Morgan.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37That's the lady in red.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- Oh, dear! - LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:44This is a row between three women about a pair of leather trousers.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Boris Johnson's a woman?!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Why didn't we start with that story?! I missed that one.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54This is the major issue of the day and I think it's appropriate
0:02:54 > 0:02:57with a panel with four men and a handbag...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00LAUGHTER
0:03:00 > 0:03:03..that we go straight in on the clothes!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05A bit sexist, isn't it, Handbag?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's been optimistically given a mic. Do you see, just here?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15And let's face it, so far, it's doing better
0:03:15 > 0:03:18than some of the people I've been sitting next to recently.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It did start with an interview in the Sunday Times.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25She was relaxing at home, as you do, in a pair of brown leather trousers.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26I do, always.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31So what did Nicky Morgan say about the trousers?
0:03:31 > 0:03:36That they were unsuitable, inappropriate, a bit lavish.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Frankly hideous, darling!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41They look like she's put on chocolate underwear
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and then sat by the fire.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I don't mind her spending a grand on a pair of trousers
0:03:50 > 0:03:51if she wants to waste to her money,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55but surely there's a better pair of £1,000 trousers than that!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Got to be a better colour, hasn't there, at least?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- And it's Amanda Wakeley. - Is it?- Yeah.- Who's that?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Who I get my trousers from.- Do you?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04They're very tight, aren't they?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I mean, why wouldn't you flaunt it, if you've got it? But...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:13People say that nothing would have been said
0:04:13 > 0:04:17if, say, Cameron had been wearing leather trousers.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Oh, I think there would!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I feel I might have had something to say!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Where did the bag come in? - Nicky Morgan said,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"I have never spent £1,000 on anything." And then someone said,
0:04:27 > 0:04:28"What about that handbag?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Yes, what she actually said was...
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Which must be a troubling mantra!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I think that was the point, wasn't it?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46That these are, in a time of austerity, it's...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I don't know, it's inconsiderate of the Prime Minister
0:04:49 > 0:04:51to wear very expensive brown leather trousers.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52That was the point.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55And shoes as well, wasn't it? And a top.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- She had all the clothes on. - LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:01She's the Prime Minister and her husband's an investment banker.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05If she was wearing, like, two-stripe tracksuit bottoms off the market,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08it would look like she was taking the piss, wouldn't it?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11What she should have done was, like, pose with the leather trousers
0:05:11 > 0:05:13on a sofa where, clearly, the leather trousers
0:05:13 > 0:05:14had been cut out from the sofa.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Recycling. "Just About Managing." - Exactly!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Anyway, Nicky Morgan made the mistake of commenting
0:05:21 > 0:05:23on the Prime Minister's trousers.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27And so the Prime Minister's assistant, Fiona Hill,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30got very cross and banned her from a meeting.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And then it got even more unpleasant.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- DRAMATICALLY:- How so? - LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- I'm just gripped!- I'm the only one who's followed this,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39but I am gripped!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41She sent a letter to an MP called Alistair Burt,
0:05:41 > 0:05:42who's a friend of Nicky Morgan,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45saying, "Don't bring that woman to this meeting."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48And then Nicky Morgan said, "Well, actually, as a woman,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"I'm not brought to meetings by men."
0:05:50 > 0:05:52And then Fiona Hill sent her a message saying,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"Well, he did bring you, so there!"
0:05:55 > 0:05:58That's a text from the Prime Minister's assistant.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59"So there!"
0:06:00 > 0:06:03They're calling it Trousergate, aren't they?
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Which is just one gate too many.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07It sounds like a disgusting term for your anus, I think.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10"Give me five minutes,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14"I'm having a bit of trouble with me trousergate!"
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Anyway, it was meant to be hypocritical that...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- PHONE RINGS - Ooh, blimey!- Oh, hello.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- PHONE CONTINUES RINGING - Hang on.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Hello?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29No, no, she's not here at the moment.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32No, we're recording it now, yeah...
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Gary Lineker.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Yeah, I know, yeah.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No, no, no, you're thinking of Emperor Hirohito.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44That's not him, no.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48No, that's Elvis Presley. Gary Lineker. Yep.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53Great. Yeah, you can smell it on his breath, yeah.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Wrong number. - LAUGHTER
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Nicky Morgan belongs to a new exclusive group of MPs.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Anyone know what that is?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02What, who've been excluded from meetings?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06It's a group of 40 rebel Tories who are fighting for a soft Brexit,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08inside the single market.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10They're being called...
0:07:12 > 0:07:16As opposed, of course, to John Major's original bastards.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Is anyone else finding it confusing that a group of MPs called bastards
0:07:19 > 0:07:22doesn't include Iain Duncan Smith? LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25However, one aide told the Sunday Times that...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29And with that in mind, shall we play a game of
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Bungler Or Bastard?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32- Yes!- Yes!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35HE HUMS INTRO
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Sorry, we've not got time.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- LAUGHTER - Oh!
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Why might it not be...?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER
0:07:43 > 0:07:44I'm given a handbag as a guest,
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I'm promised Bungler Or Bugler, or whatever it is,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I'm ready with my answers, I come up with a theme tune
0:07:49 > 0:07:51and we're told we're not doing it. Very poor.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- It's really poor.- It's poor.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Why might it not be the new bastards that Theresa needs to worry about?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00The old bastards haven't retired.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02There's even more people on the right who are after her
0:08:02 > 0:08:04than there are on the left.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05And there's some in the middle.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- In fact, everyone's after her.- Mmm.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Apparently, Britain's Ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14has privately told the Government a new trade deal might take
0:08:14 > 0:08:18ten years to finalise, and might then still fail anyway,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22if the other 27 member states don't individually approve it.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Theresa May has been in Brussels meeting other EU leaders.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Did she receive a warm welcome?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- No.- No, she wouldn't, would she? - No.- Not really.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- They're having their Christmas party and she wasn't invited.- No.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Well, there was an awkward bit where there's footage of them
0:08:37 > 0:08:39all shaking hands and then they don't...
0:08:39 > 0:08:40She's just sort of on her own. And I just...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43She has to go and have a pizza.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44- She had to...?- Go and have a pizza.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46And they all have this enormous dinner together
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- and she's on her own.- Aw!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52The pizza delivery boy fell off his bike as well.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54And the bad news about that is that when one of them falls off,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56all the rest fall over as well.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:01SMATTER OF APPLAUSE
0:09:03 > 0:09:06That's a really pathetic round of applause!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- You don't get many Domino jokes that good!- No.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13My mistake was in waiting 20 minutes to make it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15But if I'd have waited more than half an hour,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I'd have given you that joke for free.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- I can't see me topping that!- Hey!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29FAINT APPLAUSE
0:09:32 > 0:09:35She was invited to attend a dinner with EU leaders,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39and we can see here how warmly she's been received by them.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53This is the great Remain/Leave debate.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Should Theresa May remain wearing those trousers,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58or leave them in the wardrobe?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02In the same way that Boris Johnson's name is abbreviated to Bo-Jo,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Nicky Morgan is known in Westminster as Ni-Mo.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Well, we certainly couldn't find her
0:10:08 > 0:10:10when she was meant to be on the show this week.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Meanwhile, Britain's Ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23has announced that a Brexit deal could take ten years.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24And that's not fair -
0:10:24 > 0:10:27most of the people who voted for it will be dead by then.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Young people applauding!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Responding to claims that Brexit could take ten years,
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Theresa May said...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45A problem she shares with Southern Rail commuters.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- Paul and Handbag, take a look at this.- OK.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Ah, yes. So this is the Evening News, printed about 1977.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Oh, trains are getting smaller and train drivers are getting bigger.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59That's Chris Grayling, the Transport Secretary.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Everybody's dressing the same so he doesn't look like an idiot.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04That looks like somebody tearing their hair out.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Hairdressers are on strike.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Dogs are going to become postmen.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Is it about strikes?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Yes, this is a new wave of strikes by post and rail workers,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14running up to Christmas.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16So are we going back to the '70s?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- I don't suppose we are...- No, if you look at the '70s timetables,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22they're better than Southern Rail's.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Southern Rail have been utterly useless
0:11:24 > 0:11:26for as long as anyone can remember.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27And you know the deal?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I'm slightly more exercised about this than the trousers...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:35The deal is that when these strikes take place,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37the passengers who don't get on the trains
0:11:37 > 0:11:39are compensated by the taxpayer
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and the taxpayer is compensating and paying for
0:11:41 > 0:11:43the operating company.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45The only people making money are the operating company,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48and they're saying, "We don't care if there are passengers on board.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"It's cheaper, we make more money."
0:11:50 > 0:11:53That's a deal that this government struck.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54- ONE PERSON BOOING - It's not funny,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57it's just really annoying.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Do you get this train, then, is that why you're so angry?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I'm angry with all trains.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I commuted for about 15 years and they were all useless.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- That's a long journey! - LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Not on Southern, that's quick!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15But it's essentially... I mean, it's a put-up job to have a fight
0:12:15 > 0:12:16in order to get rid of conductors.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And then they'll get rid of drivers.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22And they've already got rid of trains, so they're way ahead!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25What I don't understand is all the people you see
0:12:25 > 0:12:27on the train platform who are sort of...
0:12:27 > 0:12:28They film them and they say,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"Oh, I mean, I can't get to work now!"
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Everyone I've ever met hates going to work.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35There's nothing better than a day off, where you just go,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"Well, there's no trains, is there?"
0:12:37 > 0:12:39If you filmed them an hour later, they'd have been at home watching
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Homes Under The Hammer in their pants!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44"Ugh, bloody strikes, I can't even get to work!"
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Woosh! - LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:49So, no. I don't know...
0:12:49 > 0:12:53There are very few governments have made their prime economic region
0:12:53 > 0:12:56totally grind to a standstill.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I mean, there are 300,000 people who can't get to work,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01they can't get to interviews, they can't get to school
0:13:01 > 0:13:04and the Grayling man is saying,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07"Well, it's not my problem. I'd love to help."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10But he is the Transport Minister!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Who else does he think is going to do it, the Fat Controller?
0:13:14 > 0:13:19Aslef's Executive Committee earned nearly £250,000 last year,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21but what figure puts that amount into perspective?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24£99 million profit last year, Southern?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It was actually the coin-operated toilets
0:13:27 > 0:13:29at Victoria Train Station...
0:13:30 > 0:13:33..that makes £1.4 million a year.
0:13:33 > 0:13:3650p a go, they cost!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Is that worth... 50p or piss yourself?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Depends what sort of brown leather trousers you're wearing, I suppose!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46The Southern Railway strike has made life
0:13:46 > 0:13:50extremely difficult for the ordinary working man and woman,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53so you can expect the Tory Transport Minister Chris Grayling
0:13:53 > 0:13:54not to give a damn about them.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58But what's the leader of the Labour Party been doing about it?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I haven't noticed.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- He's been meeting up with the union leaders.- He has.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08And he's been to the train drivers' union Christmas party.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10God, he's a member of Wizzard!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13And people are upset because these unions
0:14:13 > 0:14:15pay a lot of money into the Labour Party.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18So they're saying his position is already compromised.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19According to the Times,
0:14:19 > 0:14:23rail union Aslef donated £118,000 to Labour last year.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25They'd be better off installing
0:14:25 > 0:14:28some coin-operated toilets, though, wouldn't they, really?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Going back to Jeremy Corbyn, what sort of week would you say he's had?
0:14:31 > 0:14:32He had a very good PMQs.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36He embarrassed Theresa May, he made a good point about the trains.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40It's funny how you sometimes agree with people very strongly.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43What did he say about the trains?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45He said that essentially they should be nationalised,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48since we're all paying through the nose for them anyway,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50and they're utterly useless, why don't we just take it on board?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Do you agree? - Yeah, no, I'm totally for it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56But, again, you know, it's one of those things.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58When you find yourself agreeing with Jeremy Corbyn,
0:14:58 > 0:14:59you think, this country is in a mess!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Well, it's actually been a pretty good week for him.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Labour were expected to be annihilated
0:15:06 > 0:15:09in the Sleaford by-election.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11But they were only slightly annihilated.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15According to Labour MP Vernon Croker...
0:15:25 > 0:15:26No, they came fourth.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30They are the Arsenal of politics.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32The current Labour leadership are often accused
0:15:32 > 0:15:35of being a bit paranoid, but what was troubling
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Gordon Brown's inner sanctum in 2005?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Blair?- No.- Press coverage?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44They feared they were being spied on by Cilla Black...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER ..during the 2005 election.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You'd have thought if anyone was going to be an awful spy,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54it was someone who's most known for presenting Surprise, Surprise.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56She wouldn't have been able to just hold herself
0:15:56 > 0:15:58from bursting out of the wardrobe.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00"Oh, God, I want to say it!"
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Theo Bertram, an adviser to Gordon Brown,
0:16:04 > 0:16:06told the Sunday Times...
0:16:22 > 0:16:25The news is really quite depressing at the moment.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Who wants to see someone that really actually does enjoy the news?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Yeah.- Here you go.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS
0:16:50 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:57This is the industrial dispute which has led
0:16:57 > 0:17:00to massive disruption of services on Southern Rail.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02According to the Daily Mail...
0:17:06 > 0:17:09So at least they'll know how commuters normally feel.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12The toilets at Victoria station cost 50p to use
0:17:12 > 0:17:14unless you book online two months ahead
0:17:14 > 0:17:16when you can get in for 35p
0:17:16 > 0:17:19but they still won't guarantee you a seat.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32BUZZER
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Scientists have proven that Father Christmas actually exists
0:17:35 > 0:17:37and he's a real person.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Yes, this is the news that the magic of Father Christmas
0:17:39 > 0:17:42has been scientifically explained
0:17:42 > 0:17:45using Einstein's theory of relativity.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48How do you think Father Christmas is able to visit all the homes
0:17:48 > 0:17:51he needs to in one single day?
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Subcontracts.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57According to Dr Sheen, he needs to travel at...
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Why don't we hear Father Christmas approaching, though?
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Because there's a delay,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05because he's going so much faster than the speed of sound.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06So you only hear him a year later.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09That would still be Christmas Eve, wouldn't it?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Well, apparently, thanks to the Doppler effect,
0:18:17 > 0:18:21as Santa and his sleigh approach, the sound of bells
0:18:21 > 0:18:22and his deep "Ho-ho-ho"...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Does travelling at such speed have any other effect on Santa?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Yes, it makes him become a Jehovah's Witness.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37He goes from red to green.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Yes, due to the Doppler effect, Father Christmas would also
0:18:40 > 0:18:41appear to change colour from red to green.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43It's all to do with the speed of approach.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47I've tried it with traffic lights and it doesn't work.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51In other Christmas news, why are snowmen under threat in America?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I don't get it. They should be all right, they're white.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Well, apparently because there's a snowman killer on the loose.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00JON LAUGHS
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Jeff Diggs has installed a 20-foot inflatable snowman
0:19:03 > 0:19:04in his front garden.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08But someone clearly wasn't a fan, so drove up in the night
0:19:08 > 0:19:09and stabbed him.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Ooh.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Aw!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Why was that recorded on the 12th of April?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:26APPLAUSE
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I think this whole thing is a bit of a practical joke.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34There's no snowman on the 12th of April.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36And if there was, you're well within your rights
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- to stab it in the middle of the night.- Exactly.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Wrong place, wrong time. - Yes, this is a con, isn't it?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Because Jeff Diggs, the snowman's owner,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- has started a GoFundMe page...- Has he?- ..to cover Frosty's repair bill,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48although there are accusations
0:19:48 > 0:19:50it's nothing more than a slush fund.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52GROANING
0:19:52 > 0:19:55That's why I strangled my neighbour's rabbit in September.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I said, "It's not Easter.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"What are you playing at?"
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04John Simpson,
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Barack Obama,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07the 17th Earl of Oxford Edward de Vere,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09and Beryl Bainbridge.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Ah, Edward de Vere is the only one that's worn
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Nicky Morgan's handbag as a hat.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Is it Shakespeare, is it acting? - It's not to do with Shakespeare.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19It's not to do with Shakespeare at all.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21No, it's a question of red faces.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Red faces? Embarrassment?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Yes, yes, very much so.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- Tell us.- Well, they've all embarrassed themselves
0:20:27 > 0:20:29in front of Queen Elizabeth II.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Except him.- Except who?- De Vere.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- He embarrassed himself in front of Queen Elizabeth I.- Yes.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35No, that's not right,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37because she wasn't known as Elizabeth I then.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- You're quite right. - LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:44How did Edward de Vere embarrass himself in front of Queen Elizabeth?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"Your Majesty, I have presented you with leggings
0:20:46 > 0:20:49"constructed from the behind of a cow."
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Well, no. A 17th-century writer, John Aubrey,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57recalled that when the earl went to bow before his monarch...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06According to Aubrey...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- When he returned... - I know this one, yeah.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13- You know this one?- Yeah, I do.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16When he returned after seven years of shame, what did the Queen do?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17She said, "Oh, how good to see you again.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- "We have quite forgotten about the fart."- Exactly.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Yes!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"Pull mine finger!"
0:21:26 > 0:21:29How did the BBC's John Simpson embarrass himself
0:21:29 > 0:21:30in front of Queen Elizabeth in the '70s?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Did he do the same as the other fella?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Well, he let rip, but a different way.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Ripped his trousers?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Aha, revealing...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Cilla Black! - LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Surprise, surprise!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I don't know, tickled me.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Cilla Black tickled you?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55In a recent interview in the Guardian,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57John Simpson recounted a meeting with the Queen
0:21:57 > 0:22:01at an agricultural show in Zambia in 1979.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11John saw the Queen two days later. She said...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Cracking sense of humour.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Should get her on the show! - She's been asked.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Yeah. We asked tonight.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Another 200 quid and we could have got her.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28How did award-winning author Dame Beryl Bainbridge
0:22:28 > 0:22:31embarrass herself in front of the Queen at a 2002 party?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Beryl was chatting to another guest
0:22:33 > 0:22:36and moaned about what a rubbish time she was having, saying...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Then she was hastily ushered away, and heard to say...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Barack Obama began proposing a toast to the Queen
0:22:47 > 0:22:50when the orchestra accidentally started playing the national anthem
0:22:50 > 0:22:54believing he had given them a cue which left Obama talking over it,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56which is an absolute no-no, of course.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Let's have a look.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Ladies and gentlemen, please stand with me
0:23:00 > 0:23:03and raise your glasses as I propose a toast.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09To Her Majesty, the Queen.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13To the vitality of the special relationship...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- ORCHESTRA PLAYING - ..between our peoples
0:23:16 > 0:23:19and, in the words of Shakespeare,
0:23:19 > 0:23:23to this blessed plot, this earth,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25this realm, this England.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27To the Queen.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30ORCHESTRA CONTINUES
0:23:55 > 0:23:59It's actually a really good voiceover speech, isn't it? Rousing!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00It's the British at their most powerful.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- Nobody said a word! - LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:06They have all embarrassed themselves
0:24:06 > 0:24:09in front of Queen Elizabeth II apart from Edward de Vere,
0:24:09 > 0:24:10the 17th Earl of Oxford,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14who embarrassed himself by breaking wind in front of Queen Elizabeth I.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Next year, history is likely to repeat itself
0:24:17 > 0:24:20when, during a state visit, there will be an even more unsavoury
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Trump in front of a Queen Elizabeth.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26According to one historical authority...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Amongst his finest work is the couplet,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"He who smelt it dealt it."
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42which this week features as its guest publication
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Bacon Today.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47You can find it on the shelves next to
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Heart Attack Tomorrow.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50And we start with...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Barry Manilow!
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Cilla Black.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00It's movie snow.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Good fact. You'd think they'd use Frosties.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05Next...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09They are willing to forgive him
0:25:09 > 0:25:11for those awful mobile phone adverts.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You can tell someone's a bacon addict if...
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Luckily, bacon addiction is one that can be cured.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32The real problem... HE LAUGHS
0:25:32 > 0:25:34You're going to be very disappointed
0:25:34 > 0:25:36with your Christmas cracker jokes if you don't like that one!
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Next...
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Pissed.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51A large slab of bacon!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Shove it through their letterbox.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56"Here you are, love, dead pig."
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- Is it right?- I don't know, I can't find it. I've lost it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04What was that last one?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- I've got it.- You've got it? Great. - I'm back in order. Phew!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Bacon flowers.- Bacon roses!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Bacon roses. Oh, I see.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15GROANING
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Smells nice.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Next...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Host on Have I Got News For You that knows what they're doing.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- Next year's big thing... - LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:26..is expected to be...
0:26:32 > 0:26:33And finally...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40What noise does a washing machine make, though?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Woom-woom.- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Bruce Forsyth! "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
0:26:45 > 0:26:46That's the spin.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50It's a very fast cycle, that one.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Lesley thinks it's saying,
0:26:57 > 0:26:58"Come on, then," in a Cockney accent.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Shall we have a listen?
0:26:59 > 0:27:03- Yeah.- Yeah, let's, I want to hear this.- Here we go.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06SURPRISINGLY DYER-ESQUE NOISES
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- "Come on, then. Come on, then." - Yeah, it's good. Definitely.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18"Come on, then. Come on, then."
0:27:18 > 0:27:21The machine has three cycles, for delicates, woollens,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- and Dot Cottons. - Hooray!- Ba-dum-tish!
0:27:24 > 0:27:29So the final scores are, Handbag and Paul - 5.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Ian and Jon - 5. It's a tie.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Oh, well, there we are. - APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Unbelievable. We've done it, we beat the handbag.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Paul Merton and Handbag,
0:27:44 > 0:27:45and I leave you with news
0:27:45 > 0:27:48that the creative team behind Tinder introduce Sniffer,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50a new dating website for dogs.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57In Washington, as President and Mrs Obama
0:27:57 > 0:28:01share a warm and tender embrace, one embarrassed bystander
0:28:01 > 0:28:02doesn't know where to look.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10And after being told to gather promptly at eight o'clock,
0:28:10 > 0:28:14staff at the Foreign Office Christmas party begin to wonder
0:28:14 > 0:28:15where Boris has got to.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Goodnight.