0:00:00 > 0:00:29This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:30 > 0:00:49As Theresa May makes her debut speech to the European Parliament,
0:00:50 > 0:01:07In London, one disgruntled traveller decided to put his dispute
0:01:08 > 0:01:13with the rail company behind him and move on.
0:01:14 > 0:01:30Following viewers complaints Eastenders is too bleak, script
0:01:31 > 0:01:38writers come up with a new hobby for Phil Mitchell. LAUGHTER
0:01:39 > 0:01:47On Ian's team tonight is the leader of the Lib Dems,
0:01:48 > 0:01:54Appearing on the show two weeks after Nick Clegg. Which means the
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Lib Dems have almost as many seats in this studio as they do in
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Parliament! Please welcome Tim Farron.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05And with Paul tonight is a presenter and football pundit who's famous
0:02:06 > 0:02:08for not knowing what's going on, on the pitch ? which makes him
0:02:09 > 0:02:10the favourite to be next England manager.
0:02:11 > 0:02:27Are you likely to be the next England manager? I'm not likely to
0:02:28 > 0:02:34be the next England manager. I've got too many skeletons in my closet!
0:02:35 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER How about President of the United States of America? LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:43That's a possibility. I can't believe that want to replace a black
0:02:44 > 0:02:47president with an orange one! LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:49And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:50 > 0:03:03Prime Minister, do you know what's going on? Slippery animal there.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09With a fish. The Chancellor takes on allcomers. Fox hunting may be. This
0:03:10 > 0:03:14is Brexit and there is civil war breaking out in the Tory party. It's
0:03:15 > 0:03:21going to be messy. It's going to be a party that falls apart, how can
0:03:22 > 0:03:24anyone do that? We have none of that, it's marvellous! Well there is
0:03:25 > 0:03:36only 11 of you. It's not quite that yet. Is it not? After Whitney we'll
0:03:37 > 0:03:40have three MPs. This is the news that Brexit still means Brexit and
0:03:41 > 0:03:45we have to keep talking about it for ever. What secret document from
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Boris's past was revealed this week? He had a column in the Telegraph and
0:03:50 > 0:03:53he couldn't make his mind up so he wrote two. One saying we should
0:03:54 > 0:03:57definitely leave and one saying we should definitely remain. People say
0:03:58 > 0:04:09this is an indication he's a bit 2-faced.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15People are very rude about Boris, I think he's just on the make, really!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19APPLAUSE Have you had a chance to reconsider
0:04:20 > 0:04:27your public call for him to be arrested? No. I stick by every word.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Except I've got another column where I said I thought you should be let
0:04:33 > 0:04:46off. Let's have a look at what his secret one said. "
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Also he gave warnings about the downsides of Brexit, arguing it
0:04:53 > 0:04:55could lead to economic shock, Russian aggression and a new
0:04:56 > 0:05:01Scottish referendum. The only thing he didn't see coming was Will Young
0:05:02 > 0:05:08dropping out of Strictly. What did the chairman of the EU Foreign
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Affairs Committee have to say about our Brexit ministers? He said one of
0:05:12 > 0:05:25them was extremely good-looking. LAUGHTER This is a very thin
0:05:26 > 0:05:32disguise, what is Boris up to? Which one of those glasses and moustache
0:05:33 > 0:05:43comes off in one go? He did say they have no idea of their plan... Oh
0:05:44 > 0:05:48dear. What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of Elmar Brok? I wake up every
0:05:49 > 0:05:55morning wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg is going to say. I have a
0:05:56 > 0:06:08special tea towel embroidered" what would Jacob do?" Jacob who? The
0:06:09 > 0:06:13finest backline West Ham ever had! I remember him well! If you don't know
0:06:14 > 0:06:22who he is you'll have quite an experience. Elmar Brok is clueless,
0:06:23 > 0:06:30he's a know nothing blowhard. LAUGHTER Migrant children with
0:06:31 > 0:06:41family already living here have been arriving from the Calle Jungle. Why
0:06:42 > 0:06:44has this been controversial? -- some are concerned some of the refugees
0:06:45 > 0:06:49we've been letting in might not be desperate enough. David Davis
0:06:50 > 0:06:57tweeted a picture of some of the children saying "I hope British
0:06:58 > 0:07:01hospitality is not being abused". People don't like the idea there are
0:07:02 > 0:07:07lots of young men, they are the people who come because it is young
0:07:08 > 0:07:12men who get shipped this way. They are going to be young men, that's
0:07:13 > 0:07:18what they look like. The Daily Mail are keen on checking the ages of
0:07:19 > 0:07:25these people. They have aged this man using a computer programme as
0:07:26 > 0:07:30aged 38. According to Microsoft the app they used is a fun app that
0:07:31 > 0:07:39guesses how old you are using machine learning. So we've done it
0:07:40 > 0:07:44to you, Ian and Paul. Ian 26 and Paul 28. Don't get too pleased with
0:07:45 > 0:07:55yourselves. This is what happened with Norman Tebbit. 23! To Reza's in
0:07:56 > 0:08:03Brussels now as we record the programme, hoping for a smooth
0:08:04 > 0:08:09Brexit. -- Theresa May is in Brussels. We must say hard or soft
0:08:10 > 0:08:19any more. I had a smooth Brexit for breakfast this morning which I made
0:08:20 > 0:08:29in my Nutribullet. I can vouch for that, I was sat in an extreme! You
0:08:30 > 0:08:34as well?! -- in the next room. She gets to tell what the other leaders
0:08:35 > 0:08:38what her plans are but Donald Tusk has said there will be no
0:08:39 > 0:08:42pre-negotiations until Article 50 is triggered. You go way back. Once
0:08:43 > 0:08:50upon a time we both had Rick Astley's haircut. We stood the North
0:08:51 > 0:08:55West Durham in a very safe Labour seat in 1992. Let's have a look at
0:08:56 > 0:09:03you in happier times. Here you are in a synthpop duo in the 1980s.
0:09:04 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER Actually you were in a band, when shoe? Tell us what's
0:09:11 > 0:09:15going on here. That is Robert on the right and David on the left. We were
0:09:16 > 0:09:23utterly, utterly dreadful. Was that the name of the band? LAUGHTER We
0:09:24 > 0:09:29had a great time. We were terrible. Which sums up my life, really! Tim,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map. Let's have
0:09:35 > 0:09:37a look at some footage from the Lib Dem party conference a few weeks
0:09:38 > 0:09:42back just to see how well it is going. You know which political
0:09:43 > 0:09:54party having a conference here this week? No. Couldn't tell you. The
0:09:55 > 0:09:59TUC? Do you know which political party has its conference going on
0:10:00 > 0:10:07here at the moment? What do you think of them? What do I think of
0:10:08 > 0:10:10them? Who are they? It's going well! Who's been using the referendum
0:10:11 > 0:10:21result of further her own aims this week?
0:10:22 > 0:10:30Nicola Sturgeon, what has she been saying? Another Scottish referendum.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33We are going to be joined by Scottish First Minister Nicola
0:10:34 > 0:10:40Sturgeon who will be talking about a second referendum on independence.
0:10:41 > 0:10:48I'm sorry, we've clearly run the wrong picture. My apologies there.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER To be fair none of us are at our best but early in the
0:10:55 > 0:11:02morning. She looked all right to me! This is the bleating of bitter
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Remoaners who refuse to accept the vote of the British people. The
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Sunday Times revealed at one point Boris Johnson wanted to punch
0:11:10 > 0:11:20Michael Gove. The only reason he didn't is that he hates queueing.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Meanwhile the Independent reported
0:11:23 > 0:11:29that the first unaccompanied children from the jungle vulnerable
0:11:30 > 0:11:35Jungle in Calais arrived in Croydon. You can't make the transition from
0:11:36 > 0:11:41squalor and deprivation too abrupt! Paul and Chris, take a look at this.
0:11:42 > 0:11:48Here we are, the magnificent idiot Trump. With his wandering hands.
0:11:49 > 0:12:00That's probably her e-mails. This is Julian Loro Piana. Donald Trump is
0:12:01 > 0:12:05losing lots of votes... The US election as it struggles to an
0:12:06 > 0:12:10unedifying climax... I've experienced a few of those...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER The final debate was on Wednesday and the whole electoral
0:12:14 > 0:12:18process was summed up by one American commentator. This is a very
0:12:19 > 0:12:36sad night for the country. You can't polish this turd. Technically you
0:12:37 > 0:12:44can't polish any turd. LAUGHTER How did the debate kick-off? With a
0:12:45 > 0:12:54right hook. No handshake. You don't want him touching you, do you?!
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Trump said he's not going to accept the verdict, unless he wins. He said
0:13:01 > 0:13:04"I would like to promise and pledge to all my voters and supporters that
0:13:05 > 0:13:12I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential
0:13:13 > 0:13:20election" ... If I win. LAUGHTER What else has Trump whinged about
0:13:21 > 0:13:25according to Hillary? The Grammys. They are rigged, too, apparently.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30There was even a time when he didn't get an Emmy for his TV programme
0:13:31 > 0:13:36three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Should have gotten it. LAUGHTER Who did Trump invite to sit in the front
0:13:42 > 0:13:49row and make Hillary feel weird? Was it Vladimir Putin? Barack Obama's
0:13:50 > 0:13:51half brother. Yes. He doesn't like him, do you know why? Sibling
0:13:52 > 0:14:17rivalry. Malik Obama told ITV... And says to me, what have you done?!
0:14:18 > 0:14:23To be fair, he is the President! What role did Trump try and impose
0:14:24 > 0:14:31on last night's debate? No sense, no facts. He thought Hillary was on
0:14:32 > 0:14:37performance enhancing drugs. A drugs test! He tried to insist they both
0:14:38 > 0:14:42be drug tested. Period have tested positive for spray mount. -- he
0:14:43 > 0:14:47would have tested positive for spray mount. It is a pity Hillary is such
0:14:48 > 0:14:57a terrible candidate. Anyone else would have won by now! If Michelle
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Obama was Stanley, it would be all over. You have got the wrong
0:15:00 > 0:15:09President's Y. APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:21One of the latest allegations of misogyny came from a Swedish
0:15:22 > 0:15:28supermodel who said: Unfortunately for her, she ended up next Clinton.
0:15:29 > 0:15:37The security team for Hillary Clinton call her: Whereas, for
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Trump, it is never mind. Comparing the work of their respective
0:15:41 > 0:15:43charities, Hillary Clinton declared that the Trump foundation took money
0:15:44 > 0:15:48from other people and bought a 6-foot portrait of Donald.
0:15:49 > 0:15:49Apparently, it's very realistic. The hands seem to follow you around the
0:15:50 > 0:15:58room. And so to round two:
0:15:59 > 0:16:00the one-armed bandit of news. Fingers on buzzers team,
0:16:01 > 0:16:13here's the first one: This is the reconstruction of the
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Battle of facing. You can see the battlefield has changed somewhat. --
0:16:20 > 0:16:23the Battle of Hastings. The drinks cabinet represents where William the
0:16:24 > 0:16:29Conqueror made his victory speech. As near as dammit, Paul.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32This is the 950-year-old news that there's been a battle in Hastings.
0:16:33 > 0:16:41And if you don't want to know the result, look away now:
0:16:42 > 0:16:48Who won? Who won the Battle of Hastings? It was West Ham, wasn't
0:16:49 > 0:16:51it? One Battle of Hastings fan
0:16:52 > 0:17:27built this wonderful And the words of and the are under
0:17:28 > 0:17:33suspicion. They thought if they called it the Battle of Battle,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37people would think they were silly. You will find there is a northern
0:17:38 > 0:18:13town called Skirmish. This has been travelling for years
0:18:14 > 0:18:21with someone else's card. Nearly, it's a duck on an aeroplane. The
0:18:22 > 0:18:31duck has an official title. Does anyone know it? Stewart ducky
0:18:32 > 0:18:39McDuck. He is called an emotional support duck. Someone has made this
0:18:40 > 0:18:44up. A greater source of pride than his brother, Toilet. Does anyone
0:18:45 > 0:18:53know what an emotional support duck actually wears? It's not even a real
0:18:54 > 0:19:02thing. According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing little
0:19:03 > 0:19:06red booties. If someone is having a panic attack on a plane, the site of
0:19:07 > 0:19:11a little duck in red boots wouldn't calm you at all. And he had a sign
0:19:12 > 0:19:16saying, my first flight. And a Captain America diaper to make sure
0:19:17 > 0:19:24he didn't go to the toilet on the floor. Why does Captain America need
0:19:25 > 0:19:35to wear red diaper? Maybe he has IBS or something. Who knows, Paul? It's
0:19:36 > 0:19:40not good use of superpowers, is it? How did he pass the time mid-flight,
0:19:41 > 0:19:53for example? How did he pass the time? He looked out of the window.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Having a gander! Thank you! Daniel also had a snack before boarding. I
0:19:58 > 0:20:09hesitate to ask you what you think he might have eaten, but go on.
0:20:10 > 0:20:16Quackers? According to one passenger: Finally come of what
0:20:17 > 0:20:28record has a Peterborough hen set this week? Most eggs? The biggest
0:20:29 > 0:20:33ever egg. Here it is. Do we have a picture of the chicken that Lady
0:20:34 > 0:20:35egg? No, it's in intensive care. Now the odd one out Brown. Just one
0:20:36 > 0:20:59between you. Your four are: Ken Clarke was caught calling
0:21:00 > 0:21:10Theresa May that bloody difficult woman. Sam Allardyce was caught. And
0:21:11 > 0:21:12the ghost wasn't. You're in the right area, but you got the question
0:21:13 > 0:21:27on. Liam Fox. Anthony Donleavy claimed to have
0:21:28 > 0:21:41filmed a ghost in his trousers. Anthony Dunleavy
0:21:42 > 0:21:43claimed to film a ghost Anthony had got home and had
0:21:44 > 0:21:48taken off his trousers, thrown them over the edge
0:21:49 > 0:21:50of the sofa when the trouser leg Who wants to see Anthony's haunted
0:21:51 > 0:21:59trousers? Is that it? I wish I hadn't insulted
0:22:00 > 0:22:03the dock with the red boots. That is the worst bit of film we've ever
0:22:04 > 0:22:12been asked to comment on, ever. What's making your washing move in
0:22:13 > 0:22:33the garden? Is it Oliver Cromwell?! LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:39According to the Sun one person who's lost a lot of work because of
0:22:40 > 0:22:46Sam Allardyce's departure is Steve Walsh bank, his lookalike. Surely
0:22:47 > 0:22:53anyone can do a Sam Allardyce impression with their hands over
0:22:54 > 0:22:59their face. He looks like Ed Balls. You know him, he's a dancer. Chris,
0:23:00 > 0:23:05you've been caught unaware on camera a few times, haven't you? Second
0:23:06 > 0:23:12half is just about underweight... Who started the better, Chris?
0:23:13 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER Well the second half is under way at Upton Park. Who started
0:23:22 > 0:23:36the better, Chris? LAUGHTER Second half is well underway at Upton Park
0:23:37 > 0:23:48now. Who started the better, Chris? , He has not got a Scooby Doo. I
0:23:49 > 0:23:51really should watch Sky. You should similarly only 40 quid a month. We
0:23:52 > 0:23:59could have the fit is round tomorrow. Would you actually come
0:24:00 > 0:24:04round and fix it yourself? I would. I am fitting two tomorrow, so I can
0:24:05 > 0:24:07fit Ian in as well. They've all been filmed without their knowledge,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know he was being recorded when he called
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Ricky is businessmen fat and lazy. According to the Mirror, a man has
0:24:18 > 0:24:18claimed to have footage of a ghost when his trousers started to move of
0:24:19 > 0:24:34their own accord. When asked... Time now for the
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Missing Words round... Which this week features,
0:24:37 > 0:24:38as its guest publication Scaffmag, It's a great magazine ? they do
0:24:39 > 0:24:50set the bar very high. Ian and Tim, you get the first five,
0:24:51 > 0:25:07and we start with... Using an impact wrench. This article
0:25:08 > 0:25:08details advice from the National access and scaffolding
0:25:09 > 0:25:14confederation, highlighting a considered list of arguments about
0:25:15 > 0:25:20which is the more efficient impact wrench. One of the entries puts the
0:25:21 > 0:25:34counterargument: One of the entries puts
0:25:35 > 0:25:39the counterargument: unless shoppers have
0:25:40 > 0:25:41actually bought something. Cigarettes, mobile
0:25:42 > 0:25:45top-ups and scratchcards. Hang on, that's three
0:25:46 > 0:26:00of my five-a-day. Next: Accidentally signal to an
0:26:01 > 0:26:04enemy U-boat in the harbour. Entire plot of last of the summer Wine.
0:26:05 > 0:26:25Pose no threat to the scaffolding industry.
0:26:26 > 0:26:37The highly credible Lib Dem result in Witney. About mustard. The first
0:26:38 > 0:26:44time I had one of those, I assumed it was a niche adult website. Of
0:26:45 > 0:27:06course we mainly brought up wrapping to share this!
0:27:07 > 0:27:14APPLAUSE And that is why we won the
0:27:15 > 0:27:23referendum! He's doing his Sam Allardyce impression, look! It's a
0:27:24 > 0:27:29terrible moment for me, because I've just changed my opinion about
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Brexit. So, the final scores are, Ian and Tim at two, and Paul and
0:27:34 > 0:27:42Chris have eight. APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:55On which note, we say thank you to our panellists. I leave you with
0:27:56 > 0:27:58news that is, are arriving in Brussels for a mini break, one woman
0:27:59 > 0:28:05gets a nasty surprise as she tries to change her pounds into Euros.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07At London Zoo, after the recent unsuccessful escape attempt
0:28:08 > 0:28:19by a gorilla, bets are being laid as to who will try next.
0:28:20 > 0:28:28As the Foreign Secretary arrives to brief the Queen on important
0:28:29 > 0:28:31matters, he finds it strange that there is no answer, no matter how
0:28:32 > 0:29:00often he rings the doorbell. Good night!
0:29:01 > 0:29:03I'm investigating a worldwide illegal ivory trade that
0:29:04 > 0:29:08continues despite a ban imposed over 25 years ago.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10This scene's being played out all over Africa.
0:29:11 > 0:29:16Who's doing the killing, and who's doing the buying and selling?