0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm David Mitchell. In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:47in the middle storm over Calais, BBC Breakfast's Naga Munchetty
0:00:47 > 0:00:50shows her support for Gary Lineker.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58After a crate of Prozac washes up on a beach, conservationists
0:00:58 > 0:01:01are concerned over its possible affect on local wildlife.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08And in Moscow,
0:01:08 > 0:01:13a KGB target survives an unusually subtle assassination attempt.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter and stand-up
0:01:23 > 0:01:27from New Zealand who described the audience of her first-ever Edinburgh
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Festival show as "full of drunk, angry Scottish men".
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Well, if you insist on doing a morning show...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Please welcome Rose Matafeo.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:46And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP who recently resigned
0:01:46 > 0:01:48from the Shadow Cabinet and says that
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"In election terms, Labour is not match-ready."
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Unlike the bonfire in his garden
0:01:53 > 0:01:56with an effigy of Jeremy Corbyn on top.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Please welcome Chris Bryant MP.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Paul and Chris, take a look at this.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Well, that looks like Heathrow.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13This is a bulldozer that Boris Johnson is obviously going to
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- lie in front of, as he promised. - Oh, no, he's driving it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19He's looking for Michael Gove now, I think.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That is Zac Goldsmith with a crab.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27And...those are some weird people outside the Palace of Varieties.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- So, yes...- Good news. Good news for people who live near Gatwick.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I looked at all the arguments and they are quite complex for
0:02:35 > 0:02:38should it be Heathrow or somewhere else? And Boris has promised
0:02:38 > 0:02:40to lie in front of a bulldozer if it's Heathrow.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43So it's gotta be Heathrow, really.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:48 > 0:02:51So this is the final, final decision, is it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53There's going to be legal objections, though.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54People are going to fight this.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56It's not a forgone conclusion at the moment.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Yes, there's going to be legal objections and also,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01MPs get to vote on it next year.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Oh, really, we get to vote on something(?)
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It'll probably just be, MPs get to chat about it,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10like Philip Green's knighthood.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Are you trying to suggest that politicians have no real value
0:03:14 > 0:03:15in society?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Bit early for that. We'll do that later.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22There are other objections - environmental objections,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and it might not happen.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25It's got to meet all these requirements.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28But aren't they European requirements?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- So that's not really going to be... - No, that's not a problem.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34The aeroplanes have to go from here to somewhere.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- So it might still be a European thing.- Oh, yes, absolutely.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42It might just be internal flights after Brexit. I don't think anyone's
0:03:42 > 0:03:45going anywhere and they're certainly not coming here!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Depends how big it is.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Maybe you get a flight from Terminal 6 to Terminal 1.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54If the runway's long enough, they don't even have to take off.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- Well, it's going to be a ramp, isn't it?- A ramp?!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58It's an amazing design, isn't it?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00The idea we're going to have a runway and suddenly it's announced
0:04:00 > 0:04:03they're not going to put the M25 in a tunnel,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- they're going to put the runway on a bridge over the M25.- Yeah.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12Why wasn't it more part of the discussion that there wasn't room
0:04:12 > 0:04:15for the runway inside the M25?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You'd think that would be a real clincher for Gatwick.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Can I be narrowly parochial for a moment?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Oh, God, is this the Rhondda? - Yes, it is.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I'm sorry! Just for the rest of the country,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I think you'll find that Gatwick's really on the wrong side of London.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31It's the right side of London for most of the rest of the world.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:38 > 0:04:41How much do you think we'll make from it, financially?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Bazillions.- Sorry, how many? - Bazillions.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I thought you said Brazilians!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50It was just a random thought, you were sitting there...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53We'll be rich enough for every citizen to get a free waxing.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Whether they want it or not.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58It's the future for our economy.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01We'll be the waxing hub of the world.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04We could become the rip-off merchants of the world.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You'll all be using it tomorrow.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You're getting it now.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Some of you saw it on Teletext at the bottom, didn't you?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Who's the guy with the crab?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Zac Goldsmith. - I don't know why I did that.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Zac Goldsmith?- Yeah.- OK. And he has...resigned? No? Yeah?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22He has resigned.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Cos his constituency elected him on the grounds there wouldn't be
0:05:25 > 0:05:27a third runway at Heathrow.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Right.- So he's resigned.- OK.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- He tried to be Mayor of London. - Yes, OK.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33So now he has a lot more time to catch up on all
0:05:33 > 0:05:36the Bollywood films he hasn't seen, right?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Ah, you got that? - I did get that, that is the worst.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44I've seen 100% more Bollywood films than him. Which is one.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46He's running as an independent, right?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49But because politics in this country are so mad,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51the Conservative Party's not going to stand against him.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54The slightly weird thing is that Ukip aren't standing against him
0:05:54 > 0:05:56either, because Nigel Farage is now backing him.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I don't know how Nigel Farage has got time out from supporting
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Donald Trump in the United States of America...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05He can really pick 'em, can't he? Trump. Zac. God!
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Do you reckon Zac's just like, "Nige, no!"
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Yes, Boris has been vocal against it. Has he resigned, too?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15No.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Has he not?!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19He's written a couple of pieces, one pro...
0:06:19 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Didn't David Cameron say that it was in their manifesto?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26It was kind of, "No ifs, no buts, there will not be a third runway,"
0:06:26 > 0:06:27- as well?- Yes, he did, yeah.- Yeah.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Unfortunately, the time for blaming him for everything
0:06:30 > 0:06:32has come to an end.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Not really. - I think we should extend it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Listen, I'm still blaming Mrs Thatcher for an awful lot.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42If you're just kind of quicker, you just get right in there.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45People can agree on blaming someone who's no longer at all relevant.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Or alive.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Has David Cameron died?!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54No, I didn't hear the good news!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Oh.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59No, I don't hope David Cameron's dead.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I just wouldn't mind if he did.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"We interrupt this programme..."
0:07:05 > 0:07:10"There's been a chillaxing accident in Cornwall."
0:07:10 > 0:07:14He relaxed so much his whole bowel fell out.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19This is the news that the Government has given the go-ahead
0:07:19 > 0:07:23for a third runway at Heathrow, ending half a century of delay.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26The row over Heathrow may yet prove to be the Government's undoing.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29So it's come to this - a two-mile strip of concrete
0:07:29 > 0:07:33is now providing more opposition than Jeremy Corbyn.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35According to the Mail,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38one consequence of the third runway at Heathrow is that...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I don't mean to be overly pessimistic,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47but if it's not opening till 2025,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49it may not be her problem.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54That's an appallingly unpatriotic thought.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I don't think the day would come when someone on the BBC
0:07:57 > 0:08:00would assert that the Queen is not immortal.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Ian and Rose, take a look at this.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05It's our Prime Minister.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07That's the French for "get lost"!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Trying to do a dad joke in Parliament, there we go. No.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12That's Juncker. Oh, in, out.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Oh. Pick-up artist, there we go.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Nicola does not understand roulette.
0:08:16 > 0:08:22This is about our attempts to forge a new deal in the bright dawn.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24It was slightly sad that our Prime Minister
0:08:24 > 0:08:27went over to the EU meeting and was only allowed in
0:08:27 > 0:08:31at one o'clock in the morning to make a five-minute speech at dinner.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34And apparently she was met in dead silence,
0:08:34 > 0:08:35and then she left again.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Do you know what Jean-Claude Juncker had to say after that?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Someone from the BBC said, you know,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"What do you think about Theresa May?"
0:08:41 > 0:08:43And he went, "Pfff."
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- We have that clip...- Oh, good. - ..in fact, it's worth seeing.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Mr Juncker, Ros Atkins, BBC News. Good to see you again.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- How did the evening go with Theresa May?- Pfff.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57It's quite a catchphrase, actually.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58You nailed that, as well!
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Yeah, no, I've been watching him for years. "Pfff!"
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Do you think he thinks he's got one of those, you know,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Christmassy things that you blow and go, "Parp!"
0:09:06 > 0:09:09in his mouth, and just forgot to put it in?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12He's been trying to come out all jolly, "Parp!"
0:09:12 > 0:09:14and went, "Pff!"
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Oh, forgot again!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19But I'm amazed she managed to fill the five minutes.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Because she says she doesn't want to keep up a running commentary
0:09:22 > 0:09:24on what the policy is, or plan, or strategy...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26There could be a reason for that.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27- Cos there ain't one. - ROSE:- Yeah.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29She keeps on saying she doesn't want to show her hand.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31But, like, in poker, you can't, like,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34just pretend there are cards in your hand.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I mean, you can't just be like,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"I've got a good one here. Watch out!"
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- CHRIS:- And she keeps on saying,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"We're going for the best possible deal."
0:09:43 > 0:09:46And basically, she's not going to say what she wants because she knows
0:09:46 > 0:09:48that whatever deal she's got at the end will have been
0:09:48 > 0:09:50the best possible deal that she could have possibly got.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- So she's saying, "Just see what happens..."- Yeah.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"..because that's what I'm going to do."
0:09:56 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"By the way, if you're a room full of bankers,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"I'm quite happy to come along and tell you exactly what I'm about."
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Well, yes. This week, she suffered an embarrassing bit of leakage,
0:10:06 > 0:10:07didn't she?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11A recording of a secret speech that Theresa gave
0:10:11 > 0:10:14to Goldman Sachs bankers a month before the referendum
0:10:14 > 0:10:16was leaked to the Guardian.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18In it, she warned that companies would leave the UK if the
0:10:18 > 0:10:20country voted for Brexit,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22and that the country would be less safe outside the EU.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25But why is it... She was against Brexit,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28so why is it a big deal that it turns out she meant that?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Cos she was a bit half-hearted,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32and there were other people in other parties,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- weren't there, Chris, who were... - A BIT half-hearted?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- She wasn't a BIT half-hearted, she...- No, I was thinking of Jeremy.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I'm still talking about Theresa May, I think you'll find.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Let's stick with Theresa May.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Was she more or less half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn?- Yes.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49These politicians!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- OK. Was...- I gave you a direct answer!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53It was a yes-no question, I gave a...
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- Yeah. OK. I'm wise to this. - All right.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Was she more half-hearted than Jeremy Corbyn?- Yes.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Oh, so you like Jeremy Corbyn?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05He's leading Labour into the wilderness, you fool!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09He came up with a joke, though, at Question Time.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Oh, yeah. It was kind of awkward, though, that joke, wasn't it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Was very, just, like, dad joke-y.,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- What was it? - He said that, like Baldrick,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Mrs May has got a cunning plan but it isn't a plan.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- ROSE:- And then she came back to him and was like,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"Well, the guy who played him was Labour!"
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's exactly what she said, right?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27The thing about her is, she's very...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29She doesn't believe in Brexit.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32People thought maybe secretly she believed in Brexit,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34and so it's OK for her to lead a government that's doing Brexit.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Maybe she's changed her mind.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Or maybe she doesn't care what the Government does.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40She just wants to be Prime Minister of it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Ah.- So she'll do, you know...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Well, at least she's not like Jeremy in that sense,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47cos he certainly doesn't want to be Prime Minister.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Or maybe not.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51You know, they're the perfect opponents, aren't they?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53The person that will be Prime Minister of ANY government...
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- And the one who'll be Prime Minister of none.- Yeah!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57If Labour wins, she could say,
0:11:57 > 0:11:58"Jeremy, don't worry, I'll be Prime...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- "I'll just do the Labour stuff!" - Yeah!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"I didn't believe in Brexit, I did the Brexit stuff. I can do it all.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07"I'm a session musician politician."
0:12:08 > 0:12:11This is the news that Brexit will make us less attractive
0:12:11 > 0:12:14to foreign investors, less wealthy and less safe.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18That's according to Theresa May, five months ago,
0:12:18 > 0:12:19speaking at Goldman Sachs.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22According to a poll quote in the Sun,
0:12:22 > 0:12:2547% would still back Leave in another referendum...
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Ah, yes, fluctuations.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32One day it's down, the next day it plummets,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34the next day it's merely down again!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37According to the Daily Telegraph,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Microsoft is set to increase its prices by 22%...
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Makes a nice change for Microsoft to look at something and say,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"Oh, no, it's crashed!"
0:12:50 > 0:12:51And so on to Round Two.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And as Halloween season enters its fourth week
0:12:54 > 0:12:57and we cover ourselves in spray-on cobwebs
0:12:57 > 0:13:00out of respect for our American trading partners,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04let's enter into the spirit of it with the Haunted House of News.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Fingers on buzzers.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08See if you can guess what's scaring you.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:10 > 0:13:12MAN SCREAMS
0:13:13 > 0:13:14BUZZER
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Oh, no, don't buzz, it means we'll have to talk about it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22That's just a... It's a wonderful fantasy creation.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26The legs of a woman, and the head of an Oxford English Dictionary.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28What more could anyone want?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33So this is a book that's literally been walking out of the shops,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35is that what we're seeing here?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- Oh, is it Essex women? - That's it, yes.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41The term "Essex girl" is in the dictionary.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44And this is the news that two girls from Essex
0:13:44 > 0:13:46are trying to get that term removed.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Collins defines it as...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Doesn't seem too bad. - That's all right.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Why would anyone have a problem with that(?)
0:14:02 > 0:14:05And according to Natasha Sawkins and Juliet Thomas,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07who are behind the campaign...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Not heard that one before.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I just love this idea of them complaining.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Does Neanderthal man have a say?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Does he say, "I think I've been ridiculously stereotyped"?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Yes, but he's not really around any more,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25whereas women from Essex might consider that if they're born
0:14:25 > 0:14:27in the county of Essex, they shouldn't all be stigmatised
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- with the same stereotype. - You're probably right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33You can't libel the dead, let alone the extinct.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Don't tell me about libel, Mitchell.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38I'm giving you a tip!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Say what you like about Neanderthals.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Why can't they just take it out?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Because who's campaigning to keep that in?- It would be...
0:14:45 > 0:14:46It's not how things work, is it?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49It's in the dictionary because it's a term people use.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51And if people started taking... People might think,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"Can we take the word 'poo' out of the dictionary?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55"It's not very nice, poo, is it?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"You know, I don't really want to be reminded of poo."
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Then you just have a dictionary that's got nice words,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01like "peacefully" and "flower".
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Who's come out in support of Juliet and Natasha's campaign?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08The Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11No, it was in fact a star of Ian's favourite show,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Gemma Collins. Here she is.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15It is absolutely outrageous
0:15:15 > 0:15:16in today's society
0:15:16 > 0:15:18that the dictionary, which...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I'm a massive fan of the dictionary.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24We should be, like, promoting the dictionary anyway
0:15:24 > 0:15:27because, like, it is such an amazing, like,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30historical British thing, isn't it?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Every story ever written's in the dictionary.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40You've just got to put the words in the right order. All there!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42This is the story about two ladies from Essex
0:15:42 > 0:15:44who want the term "Essex girls"
0:15:44 > 0:15:47scrubbed from the Oxford English Dictionary.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50The main thing about this story is it gives the Sun a chance
0:15:50 > 0:15:53to recycle its Essex girl jokes, including...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59That's interesting. The label in my pants says
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"D Mitchell, class 5C".
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I've never lost a single pair.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08What horror is this?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
0:16:10 > 0:16:12MAN SCREAMS
0:16:12 > 0:16:14BUZZER
0:16:14 > 0:16:15- CHRIS:- This is the Ed Stone,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19the heaviest suicide note in history.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Which, bizarrely, considering how much money we spent on it,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25looks as if it's made of foam
0:16:25 > 0:16:28and somebody forgot to put it on the return of election expenses
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and so the Labour Party has been fined.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yes, you were quite right. The Ed Stone was quite expensive.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Do you know what it cost, exactly?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38The general election.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yes, it was...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Labour say they did originally get a receipt from the stonemason's,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51but it was too heavy to get in the car.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53The Spectator quoted a source as saying
0:16:53 > 0:16:56that when the image of the stone first appeared on TV...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I wonder if he had any inkling that
0:17:08 > 0:17:10that wasn't the low point for Labour.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Do you think Ed took too much flak for losing that election, Chris?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16He's a good man.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- You can tell you were a vicar. - Bless you, my child.- Thank you.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I'm not so sure you could quite so easily tell you were a vicar
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- when you said about Ed...- Oh, yes?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33He's a very modern vicar.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35That was the night of Brexit.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I was very, very upset about Brexit.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Chris, how much do you blame Corbyn for the referendum result?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44You even thought Corbyn voted Leave, didn't you?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I think a lot of the arguments that Jeremy put
0:17:47 > 0:17:49helped the Leave campaign.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Do you still think...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- As you said. - Well, everything's to...
0:17:58 > 0:18:01The Labour Party's got to be mended, that's the truth,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04and I don't like Mrs May and the way she's leading the country,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07so I hope that Labour can pull itself together.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09That's definitely not a straight answer.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13That was about as skew-whiff an answer as I could possibly give.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15AUDIENCE MEMBER GUFFAWS
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Oh, Jeremy's in!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24I think people know you think Jeremy Corbyn's an idiot.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You've said it so many times. Why stop now?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31There's plenty of people who move in and out of the Shadow Cabinet,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34and they've said even worse things than Chris has,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- so don't try and restrict his future career...- No, no.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Just trying to get him to confirm what he's already said many times
0:18:41 > 0:18:43is pretty underhand.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Leave him alone.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50- I'm a bit worried that Ian Hislop is supporting me.- I'm not!
0:18:50 > 0:18:51No...
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Yes, this is the news that Labour has been fined for failing
0:18:55 > 0:18:57to declare a string of election expenses,
0:18:57 > 0:19:01including the cost of Ed Miliband's so-called Ed Stone.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Here is the notorious object of ridicule...
0:19:03 > 0:19:07standing next to his disastrous stone.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Since Ed Miliband's defeat, the Ed Stone has reportedly
0:19:12 > 0:19:14been destroyed and broken into pieces.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16As has the Labour Party.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next nightmare.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21EERIE MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:21 > 0:19:23MAN SCREAMS
0:19:23 > 0:19:25BUZZER
0:19:25 > 0:19:29They've discovered a snail who goes the wrong way round.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Cos all snails' whorls go clockwise.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33This one goes anticlockwise.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Why is it wearing a hat?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39He's become a bit of a celebrity and doesn't want to be photographed!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Yes, he's absolutely right.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44This is the news that a one-in-a-million snail
0:19:44 > 0:19:47has been found with a rare mutation that makes him a leftie,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50as his shell spirals the wrong way.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- What do you think the leftie's been called?- Jeremy.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Correct.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55- ROSE:- Huh!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00In other news, what's this woman doing?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03She's trying to surprise a Yorkshire terrier
0:20:03 > 0:20:06because the kitchen's been redecorated and he doesn't know.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Mary Burgess is the woman.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11She's a dog hypnotist.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13What will she do for 60 quid?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Take your poodle back to a previous life?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Yeah, basically. An hour's hypnosis with naughty dogs.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24She puts them in a trance and persuades them to behave better.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Techniques include...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I think that would work on me, to be fair!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38And, finally, what do you think dogs dream about?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Running through the fields,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43their hair brushing against the tops of dandelions,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45as they sniff the sea air...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- It's a very small dog.- Well, yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Could be running into a trench.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54They probably dream about you, if you're their owner, that is.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57The reason we know this is thanks to Dr Deirdre Barrett
0:20:57 > 0:21:02from Harvard Medical School. She said they're dreaming about...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Of course, sometimes they must be dreaming about
0:21:09 > 0:21:10chasing things likes cats and rabbits,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12as we can see from this classic clip.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I imagine that dog has an active inner life.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Is that your dog dreaming about you?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Yes, cos I chase my dog(!)
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Do you?- No. I haven't got a dog.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Not now you've chased him away.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Larry the Downing Street Cat. Napoleon Bonaparte.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Michael Heseltine.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56And Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Larry had a fight in Downing Street. With another cat.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- With...- You're getting warm.- With a cat called Palmerston.- That's right.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05There was a story this week... Michael Heseltine...
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And it was declaring he shot a load of bats,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10or birds, or badgers, or starlings...
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- Yeah, this is all in the right area.- ..Rhinos.- Yeah.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Combat with birds! The Italian Prime Minister's the odd one out
0:22:18 > 0:22:21because he said to the pigeons of Rome, "You've got an amnesty,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23"nobody'll kill you, we'll look after you."
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- You've got the right answer but for the wrong reason.- Ah.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- It's they've all fought with animals...- Yes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32..apart from the Italian Prime Minister, Matteo Renzi
0:22:32 > 0:22:36who had to deny fighting a fish at the G20 summit.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Larry the Downing Street cat,
0:22:40 > 0:22:44he's recently had a fight with Palmerston, the Foreign Office cat.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45- Wow!- Yeah!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48How has Theresa May settled in with Larry?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50She's wearing him as a coat.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- More like shoes! - Kitten heels!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57AUDIENCE GROAN
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- She's not that keen on Larry.- No.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02She said in an interview with The Times...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06And they had to dream about her.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Yeah.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Maybe that's her dog trying to run through a wall.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Napoleon. Do you know Napoleon's animal scuffle story?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21It's after he signed the Treaty of Tilsit in 1807,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23he was encouraged to do some celebratory rabbit shooting
0:23:23 > 0:23:25in a park with friends and colleagues.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- How many rabbits do you think were laid on for him to shoot?- 75.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- 175.- Higher.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32- HIGH-PITCHED:- 75.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38APPLAUSE
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It was 1,000.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45The Napoleonic general, Paul Thiebault,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47who was there, said the rabbits...
0:23:49 > 0:23:50And...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54They also...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57..and forced Napoleon...
0:24:00 > 0:24:03More than the Austrian Army could do.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Michael Heseltine has admitted to killing 400 grey squirrels
0:24:08 > 0:24:11in his garden in just nine months. He said...
0:24:20 > 0:24:23He wants to watch that that doesn't get taken out of context.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Could end up with a job in the Cabinet.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Yes, they have all fought with animals apart from
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi who had to deny fighting
0:24:35 > 0:24:37a fish at the G20 summit.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Theresa May was shocked to be confronted by the slippery,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42thick-lipped, clammy, glass-eyed creature.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45She didn't think Michael Gove had been invited.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Time now for the missing words round which this week features
0:24:48 > 0:24:50as its guest publication...
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Yes!- Uh-huh.- ..and publications of the slide-rule circle.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I get this. I get this one.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Good magazine but all of its readers are calculating bastards.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02We start with...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Mates with Jeremy the snail?- Yeah.- Oh...
0:25:09 > 0:25:14"I love the way your circles go the other way."
0:25:14 > 0:25:16It's in fact...
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Here he is in action.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I always wondered why people are filming these incidents
0:25:32 > 0:25:35before they happen. Maybe it's part of an experiment or something.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Is it an experiment to see whether frogs can...
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Do you think they got him drunk? - Pick the pissed frog?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42See that's what they do in laboratories, isn't it?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Let's get all the frogs drunk. Next...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Um... I've no idea what a slide rule is, so...
0:25:52 > 0:25:55It's the thing you used to calculate on before calculators.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58OK, and calculators were before phones?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Turn to the centrefold.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- Yeah.- Turn to the centrefold immediately for further guidance.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05It is...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14People who use slide-rules always felt superior to those
0:26:14 > 0:26:16who used calculators.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Fine, but if you turn a slide-rule upside down,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20you can't get it to make the word "boobies".
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Next...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- High self esteem. - SNIGGERING
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Is it bringing your top lip over your head
0:26:31 > 0:26:33and using it as a bathing cap?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34It's...
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Here's what it looks like.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Oh, that's rather good.- So...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- Uh, well...- I don't know.- In what sense is that a living plant?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45They're succulant.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48It looks like a fungal infection that's really gone to work.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Anyway, now you can say it with flowers.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55And finally...
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Dave.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I beg your pardon?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09BBC Parliament! See how you like it, yeah?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Nothing wrong with Dave.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25A new streaming video service, Napflix, aims to lull viewers
0:27:25 > 0:27:28to sleep by streaming the least thrilling footage they can find.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Programmes will include the 1964 documentary...
0:27:34 > 0:27:38- Now available as a box set. - Oh-ho-ho! Boom, boom!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41The final scores are Ian and Rose have 4 points,
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- but Paul and Chris are the winners with 9.- Whey!- Oh, well done.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Thank you, thank you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48I'm so sorry, Ian.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54And I leave you with news that, in Liverpool, on John McDonnell's
0:27:54 > 0:27:58orders, a security dog sinks its teeth into a rival's backside.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05After a fleet of Russian warships is spotted in the English Channel,
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson issues an immediate response.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15And as auditions begin for a remake of the film
0:28:15 > 0:28:19Tarka The Otter, one young hopeful waits to see if he's got the part.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Goodnight.