0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week...
0:00:42 > 0:00:45On the BBC, there are accusations of sexism
0:00:45 > 0:00:48as a male presenter tells his female co-presenters
0:00:48 > 0:00:49to get his breakfast.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Bagel with scrambled eggs, half a bagel with peanut butter,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55a smoothie of milk, bananas and berries
0:00:55 > 0:00:56and a whole cantaloupe.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01In a house in Oxfordshire, a knock on the door
0:01:01 > 0:01:04announces Michael Heseltine has arrived for tea.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And in Surrey, before they even arrive at the scene,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14firefighters realise the blaze they've been called to
0:01:14 > 0:01:16is at the Ann Summers warehouse.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP
0:01:26 > 0:01:28who believes that some people show contempt for politicians
0:01:28 > 0:01:31because of unhelpful portrayals in the media.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Please welcome the shifty, time-serving,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36waste of taxpayers' money Tim Loughton MP.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- APPLAUSE - Thanks a bunch(!)
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Great start!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And with Paul tonight is a comedian who crowdsourced his recent novel
0:01:47 > 0:01:50by having dinner at fans' houses for £500,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52which seems like a good deal,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55but he can drink £700-worth of wine.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Please welcome Andy Hamilton.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:04We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Ian and Tim, take a look at this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh. Justice...being done.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13New shoot-to-kill policy on blondes on zip wires.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15And that's an army of Remainers.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16"Double, double, Brexit trouble."
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Yes, well, it's a bit of a good day for you, isn't it?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20It's a very bad day for us.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I thought this is what you wanted.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25British courts deciding British decisions.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27APPLAUSE
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We...we don't need these experts
0:02:32 > 0:02:34telling MPs what to do, for goodness' sake.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- We've got the electorate for that. - I've got some advice for you.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38- Oh, dear. - If you don't like the result,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I'd appeal to the European Court of Justice.
0:02:42 > 0:02:4517.4 million people,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49more than have ever voted for anything in this country, ever,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51voted to free us from the European tyranny,
0:02:51 > 0:02:52and it's going to happen.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Get real, get with it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:02:55 > 0:02:58You had a result decided by the judges and...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Just what bit of it don't you get?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I mean, you can't just have another decision in court,
0:03:03 > 0:03:04just because you want one.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Accept the decision.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- OK...- I mean, just moaning on
0:03:13 > 0:03:15about how you don't like it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Suck it up!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- When we have a referendum, which isn't very often...- No.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22..that means that we think
0:03:22 > 0:03:25the people should have the final decision.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- Yeah.- And we gave it to them. They made the final decision.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28So, let's get on with it.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31So, you have no problem with this decision.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32This is a topical satire show?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Are we having a political discussion?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36We're waiting for the show to start.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39We can use this bit as landfill.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44What is it, exactly, that the High Court has ruled?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46The government doesn't have the power on its own
0:03:46 > 0:03:49to trigger Article 50 and has to refer it to Parliament.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I actually launched a legal challenge
0:03:51 > 0:03:54to try and stop the subject coming up on this show, but unfortunately...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I think if we were going to kick off with it,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59we should have warned the National Grid,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01because there's going to be
0:04:01 > 0:04:03a massive upsurge in electricity demand
0:04:03 > 0:04:05as people go to put the kettle on.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Or to switch on their electric chairs.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17What do we know about the judges who made the High Court ruling?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Uh... - They are...they are elderly men.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Well, no.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25No. They're not elderly men.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28They dress up in tights when they're not at work.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- You may regret saying that. - Right...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34The Daily Mail looked into these judges and revealed...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Does it mean we're staying in the EU?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50I think it means...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I was watching Nigel Farage -
0:04:53 > 0:04:56not through a pair of binoculars, in his house -
0:04:56 > 0:04:57he was on the television.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01And he was, sort of, ranting and raving about betrayal.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05But I think there's...part of him always wants to be betrayed.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08It's like a sort of S&M thing.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12What is Nigel Farage going to do about it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Go down to the pub? Have a few more fags?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17No - not go down the pub. Nigel Farage has said...
0:05:25 > 0:05:28That is sad. When is this poor man going to get his life back?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I mean, all he wants is to slide away, quietly,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36into the autumn of his life,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and people keep dragging him into the spotlight.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Just leave the man alone.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Which treacherous, lefty, out-of-touch luvvie...?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Yeah...Prince Philip. - ..has been insulting the will...?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55It's not?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58He's a hot-headed young radical.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59David Attenborough, of course.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- Oh, yes! Yes.- He said that people
0:06:01 > 0:06:04shouldn't have been allowed a referendum, didn't he?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- What?!- Yes.- Indeed. - David Attenborough said...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15..or someone like Keith Vaz.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18He's just been elected back onto an influential Select Committee -
0:06:18 > 0:06:19the Justice Committee.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22And who would be more worthy of a place on the Justice Committee
0:06:22 > 0:06:24than a man who is under investigation
0:06:24 > 0:06:27for trying to buy drugs for rent boys behind his wife's back?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28You took over from him
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- when he was thrown off the last committee.- I did.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I took over as the interim chairman
0:06:32 > 0:06:34of the Home Affairs Select Committee,
0:06:34 > 0:06:35when he had his little local difficulty
0:06:35 > 0:06:38with the washing machine salesman...routine.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40INDUSTRIAL washing machine salesman.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Not any old washing machine salesman.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43INDUSTRIAL washing machine salesman.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- He had to boast, even in character. - He did. He did.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48He was Jim, the big washing machine guy.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Absolutely. With the really big load.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:06:55 > 0:06:57How on earth is he now on another committee?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Don't ask me, I didn't vote for him.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Yeah, but the Tories backed him. Why?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Because the Labour Party nominated him,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and it is up to them to nominate a Labour MP to go on the committee,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and it was up to us to say, "Oh, all right, then," apparently.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13And I didn't, because it wasn't.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15So, it's pretty disgraceful of both of them.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Yeah. He shouldn't be on the committee.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Right, well, that's that sorted.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Tim, have you ever, sort of, backed the wrong horse, or...?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I make a career of backing the wrong horse, yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Which particular horse are you referring to?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29I was wondering if you're delighted
0:07:29 > 0:07:32to see Theresa May, you know, Prime Minister?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34She's fantastic. Love Theresa May.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Fantastic woman making a great Prime Minister.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39IAN LAUGHS What I don't understand is how...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41What are you laughing about? It's true. Fantastic.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43That's the best joke I've heard yet.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47APPLAUSE
0:07:48 > 0:07:5017 points ahead in the opinion polls.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Yeah, pretty good, but if only we had
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Prime Minister Andrea Leadsom, who you backed...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Yeah...she would be...
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- The country would be completely different now.- Even better.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- Do you think so?- But we've got Mother Teresa and she's fantastic.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05This is despite...
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I thought that was the whole point, that she wasn't a mother.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Brought up by your candidate. - Controversial.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16How she came to be Prime Minister when your wonderful campaign
0:08:16 > 0:08:18chant for Andrea Leadsom...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Let's have a look at the clip from BuzzFeed.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- What do we want?! - ALL:- Leadsom for leader!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- When do we want it?! - Now!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28HE CHEERS
0:08:28 > 0:08:30AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:08:33 > 0:08:35That's the way you have a demonstration.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38No police, no Molotov cocktails, no need for water cannons...
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Not many people.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45It was a great march on Parliament. Everyone had a very nice afternoon.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Are you allowed to march on Parliament?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49No, apparently I committed an offence
0:08:49 > 0:08:51by having an unlicensed march.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Basically, that is a revolution.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58This is the High Court ruling over whether Parliament should
0:08:58 > 0:09:01be allowed to vote on triggering Article 50.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03The Mail Online was quick to respond...
0:09:05 > 0:09:09While the Telegraph Online was first with even hotter breaking news...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15According to the Telegraph, Nigel Farage
0:09:15 > 0:09:19has been wooed by producers of I'm A Celebrity and offered £750,000.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22When first offered the chance to appear on I'm A Celebrity,
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Nigel Farage said...
0:09:24 > 0:09:27But he's reconsidering now they've explained it's in Australia,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29not Calais.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Paul and Andy, take a look at this.- FBI.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Clinton, there's more stuff coming through.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- That's somebody sticking pins in her.- Pins in her eyes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41That's very amusing.
0:09:44 > 0:09:50Trump keeps saying that there is a conspiracy to ensure that
0:09:50 > 0:09:53he can't win and I do hope he's right.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Seriously, it would be quite irresponsible in the
0:09:57 > 0:10:02circumstances if they weren't trying to rig the election against him
0:10:02 > 0:10:05because the man is mentally ill.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07They've seen him coming for some time,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I reckon they've probably built a sort of
0:10:09 > 0:10:13secondary White House which looks like the real one but isn't.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18And TV videos that show walls being built which aren't being built.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21It's a reality TV show, he will never know the difference.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24But it's a very rare American election where you think that,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27whoever wins, one of them will put the other one in jail.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31That's if he stops there. He might burn her as a witch.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37He is up against the worst opponent in any American election in history.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42This latest cache of e-mails is about a catastrophic lack of
0:10:42 > 0:10:44judgment by Hillary.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47She refused to sack her leading aide when she was married to
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- a bloke called Weiner...- Mm.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54..who showed his wiener to young girls by sending them texts.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58If Trump is up there with being sleazy and unpleasant, immediately
0:10:58 > 0:11:01there is another sleazy and unpleasant story on the other side.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05If they got Bernie Sanders in or Colonel Sanders, anybody...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09..they would have won by now.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11How did Hillary Clinton explain putting her e-mails
0:11:11 > 0:11:13on this private server?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16She said it was because she was scared they would be leaked
0:11:16 > 0:11:18to the other side.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20She couldn't be bothered to carry around an extra smartphone,
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- she said. - Oh, well, that's a better excuse.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Where do you carry your extra smartphone, Andy?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31I don't have a smartphone, Victoria. I don't have a phone.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32What do you mean?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I don't carry a mobile.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Don't look at me...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Where do you keep yours, Paul?
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I have a telephone box at the end of my road
0:11:43 > 0:11:46which I carry around. No, I don't have a mobile or do e-mail.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47- Are you ghosts?- Yes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I think I might be a ghost because I had an experience at
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Gatwick Airport a few years back.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56They had done some building work and they had this system whereby
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- you had to be photographed on your way in...- Oh, my God.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03..and the computer wouldn't take a photo of me.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06So the security guy said, "I think it might be your hat.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07"Take your hat off."
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I took my hat off and then he said, "Take your scarf off."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I took my scarf off, still no photo from the computer.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Then he said, "Maybe it's your jacket." I took off my jacket.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Then I said, "Have we got a problem here?"- Yeah, kiss me.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26You really fall for the easiest things, don't you?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Do you know what his explanation was?
0:12:32 > 0:12:37He said to me, "I think the problem might be that the computer
0:12:37 > 0:12:39"doesn't recognise your face...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"as a face."
0:12:44 > 0:12:47So maybe I am a ghost. Maybe you're right.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50What was the immediate impact of the reopening of this FBI inquiry
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- into the e-mails? - The polls narrowed.- Yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55What's Donald Trump's view of polls?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58They are completely unreliable unless he's in front.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00He has traditionally said...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12And he has gone neck and neck in the polls and he said...
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Hopefully, humanity will dodge a bullet on Tuesday.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24But if Trump does get elected...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Hopefully Trump won't dodge the bullet!
0:13:26 > 0:13:29APPLAUSE
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- Look at them.- They're applauding the assassination...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- You're sick people. - That's where we have been taken to.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Sick people!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43That's why you don't give people the vote in referendums.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- They are happy to endorse murder. - Let's go for it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50If we all do it, they can't blame one of us.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I'm slightly worried in the name of balance that we're making
0:13:53 > 0:13:56it look like there's only two candidates in the American election.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58There are others, there's libertarian Gary Johnson, of course.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Did you see how well he dealt with a tough question this week?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02As a fiscal conservative,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05how do you explain that when you were elected governor of New Mexico,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08you inherited a debt of 1.8 billion
0:14:08 > 0:14:11but left office with a debt of 4.6 billion?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Erm, that is absolutely horse shit.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27You can buy a lot of horse shit for that, I tell you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- He has also used the noun as an adjective, hasn't he?- I know.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33It can't be "absolutely" horse shit.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36It's either absolute horse shit or it's absolutely horse shitty.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Finally, in related news, what did someone with access to the
0:14:43 > 0:14:47internet and too much time on their hands create this week?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Somebody accessing the internet with too much time on their hands?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Who could that be?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- They made something beautiful. Shall we have a look?- Yes.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Stop it, stop it! We have to stop looking at it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09- I think the Daily Mail have got their new lovechild scandal.- Yeah.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11God, that is terribly frightening.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13It is frightening. Let's stop looking at it.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- People will have nightmares. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17This is the news that the American people could be about to
0:15:17 > 0:15:22elect their worst president in US history, or a worse one.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Despite Trump's claims, not all of the media is against him.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27One paper has already endorsed him
0:15:27 > 0:15:28on its front page with the headline...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32That's from The Crusader,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35the in-house newspaper of the Ku Klux Klan.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Before you jump to conclusions, it's not all racial hatred.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40It's got regular lifestyle items
0:15:40 > 0:15:42with tips on sewing and basic woodwork.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48APPLAUSE
0:15:51 > 0:15:54And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01BUZZER
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Yes, the Russians are spying on us via the internet,
0:16:03 > 0:16:06and everything is connected to the internet these days -
0:16:06 > 0:16:08refrigerators, kettles, everything like that, so they can sort of...
0:16:08 > 0:16:12They can basically take over all our lives without us knowing.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Well, that's it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I mean, this is the idea that the act of Russian warfare
0:16:16 > 0:16:21that comes next will be invading our homes via our kettles.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Yes, the hackers use your kettle's default password
0:16:24 > 0:16:25to take control of it and...
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Hang on, your kettle has a default password?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- I mean, your kettle probably doesn't.- My kettle doesn't, no.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- No, but if you have a smart kettle...- A smart kettle?- Ah.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Yes, you can boil water from another room.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Can you boil a kettle in somebody else's house
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- without their permission? - Yes! Well...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42That's how Putin could launch an invasion -
0:16:42 > 0:16:44all our kettles could spontaneously start boiling.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Everybody rushes to make a cup of tea and he's coming across
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- the Straits of Dover.- Straight in. - But you're joking, but...
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- I mean, this is happening. - No, it's not really happening, Ian.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Isn't it? Any minute now.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58The kettles thing, that was just... I made that up.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- No, you see, you didn't make it up. - I did make it up.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03They can take over the kettle via a password and...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Yeah, this did happen last week.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19There was a crash when all sorts of bits of the internet
0:17:19 > 0:17:22were unavailable and fell apart after they were hacked into.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It made a huge difference to my life.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27I couldn't get on Twitter,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Instagram, I was taking pictures of my lunch...
0:17:33 > 0:17:36You had to get an Uber car instead of your regular hansom cab.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Not just kettles. I mean, what else? What other...?- Fridges.- Toasters.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Yes.- Toasters are the worst. - Electric can openers.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Toasters...- Webcams, baby monitors, printers, routers...
0:17:48 > 0:17:49You must have some of these things.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I have a baby monitor, yes, but that kind of was a foolish purchase,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54really, because I don't have any children.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Aren't we protected by the fact that we've got very slow broadband?
0:18:01 > 0:18:06- Yeah.- Why should we not be worried about Russia's aggressive posturing,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09according to Professor Mark Almond?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Erm, they're...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Has somebody hacked into you?- Yeah!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17APPLAUSE
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- ROBOTIC VOICE:- Mr Putin has a reasonable regard for...
0:18:35 > 0:18:39What was the sinister domestic development in the world of
0:18:39 > 0:18:41cyber-spying this week?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Your fridge could be communicating to the Russian Embassy
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- exactly how long the fish fingers have been in there.- Yeah.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- No...- No?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53..but your fridge could be communicating with your
0:18:53 > 0:18:57insurance company, to see what kind of risk you are.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Apparently, they could look into your smart fridge,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03or indeed your smart toilet, to see how healthy you are.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04- I'm sorry...- Urgh!
0:19:05 > 0:19:09How can they possibly look into your toilet?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Presumably a smart toilet checks on your regularity
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- and so could give that to the insurance.- Precisely.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16And the smart fridge would say, you know,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20"That stuff's well past its sell-by but he's eating it anyway."
0:19:20 > 0:19:21So the fridge is talking to the loo -
0:19:21 > 0:19:24"Yeah, four ounces of food about 20 minutes ago.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26"Let's see what happens later."
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Yes...- What do you mean, yes?!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Yes doesn't come into this!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38This is the one conversation where yes has no role.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- I suppose the fridge could warn the toilet, couldn't it?- Yeah.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46- It could say...- "He's had some vegetable spring rolls.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"Tell the window to lift itself up."
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I welcome a Trump presidency after all this!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Anything to rid us of these robot toilets.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00This is the warning that Britain is under increased threat
0:20:00 > 0:20:01of cyberattacks from Russia.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Before you get too worried,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05experts have assured the public that Russian cyberattacks
0:20:05 > 0:20:08will only be able to target one or two vulnerable TVs in the country,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10so you needn't worry unless you suddenly experience
0:20:10 > 0:20:11interference with your picture.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18NATIONAL ANTHEM OF THE USSR PLAYS
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Thanks to the internet of things, hackers can now target
0:20:25 > 0:20:28any household object which could be controlled online, including...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32It's impossible to know which kettles have been compromised
0:20:32 > 0:20:34as these days there are hardly any whistle-blowers.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:36 > 0:20:40I hope that whole story wasn't made up just for that joke!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I've got strong suspicions it might have been.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46OK, here's another one. Fingers on buzzers.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53What the bloody hell's that about?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54BUZZER
0:20:54 > 0:20:57The only calendar story I can recall is about the Dull Men Club,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59or something. They've brought out a calendar.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01They said there's not enough dull women around,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- so this is their attempt to be all-embracing.- Yes.- Yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07This is the news that the Dull Men's Club calendar
0:21:07 > 0:21:09is going to feature women for the first time.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Including the curator of the Pencil Museum.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13A particular favourite of yours?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Well, there's not much point to it, really, but, yes, it's...
0:21:16 > 0:21:17AUDIENCE GROANS
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Tough crowd!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Also featured in the calendar is Amanda Hone, who quit her job
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and spent a year travelling round the country following signs.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- What kind of signs? - You're going the wrong way?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Amanda is a big fan of...
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Ah.- Here she is...- Brown signs!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Oh, right, that's a brown sign. Yeah, OK. That's fair enough.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I know that sign. I've been to both of those places.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44There's this thing called the Dull Men's Club, Ian, if you want to...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47APPLAUSE
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- He's the life president. - Oh, right!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52What does Amanda's husband think of her brown signs?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Er, he's...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Has she got a husband? - Yes, and even more than that.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04According to Amanda...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12It's been a big week for women.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Shall we have a look at the momentous announcement
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- of the Church of Wales's first female bishop?- Yes.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Quite a turnout.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22It gives me enormous pleasure to announce
0:22:22 > 0:22:24that the bishop elect of St David's
0:22:24 > 0:22:29is Canon Joanna Penberthy, who is the rector of Glan Ithon
0:22:29 > 0:22:32in the diocese of Swansea and Brecon.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36That's a parish that's centred on Llandrindod Wells.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40APPLAUSE
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Why are they so far away?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I think the bishop's got a bit of a reputation.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54They've realised those concrete posts aren't enough,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57so they've put a traffic cone as well to deter him.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00This is the news that women are to be featured for the first time
0:23:00 > 0:23:03on the calendar of the Dull Men's Club.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Three of the Dull Women include...
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Might sound dull to you, but what a team they'd make on Only Connect.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Your four are Michael Gove,
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Miss Prism,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Victoria Beckham
0:23:22 > 0:23:23and David Cameron.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Miss Prism, The Importance Of Being Earnest.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Worthing - lost a child in a handbag at Victoria Station.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35David Cameron unfortunately forgot his daughter Nancy was at the pub.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39And Michael Gove tried to emulate his former friend David Cameron
0:23:39 > 0:23:41and went dad dancing with Rachel Johnson
0:23:41 > 0:23:45and left the 11-year-old wandering around the hotel, apparently.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47You're definitely in the right world with lost children.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50They've all lost a child except Miss Prism,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53who lost the manuscript to her novel.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I'm just telling the story like it is.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- TIM:- And Victoria Beckham, has she gained a child or something?
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Has she adopted a few?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04You are certainly in the right direction.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Michael Gove's usually the odd one out, isn't he?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Michael Gove DELIBERATELY left his child in the hotel room.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12All the others have mislaid children.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Oh, right.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Victoria Beckham forgot her son Brooklyn. She said...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Michael Gove and Sarah Vine, his wife,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32took the deliberate decision to leave their child in a hotel room
0:24:32 > 0:24:33while they went to a party.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Be careful, some bitchy columnist could have a field day with that.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40The hotel staff were aware of the situation,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42but what caused them concern later on?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Was he wandering around the corridor?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47He was wandering the corridors at 1.30 in the morning, an 11-year-old!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Perhaps a minibar rang the police.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- ANDY:- He was distressed, apparently.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56He said, "I think I might be the son of Michael Gove."
0:24:56 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:00 > 0:25:03You mentioned earlier Rachel Johnson,
0:25:03 > 0:25:04the writer, Boris's sister.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06She was also at the Cheltenham Literary Festival,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08what the party was for.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11She made an excuse for the Goves. What was her excuse?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13They were both completely drunk.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14No.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21If they'd left the dogs unattended,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Michael Heseltine might creep in and strangle them.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30David Cameron left his daughter behind after a pub lunch.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32On another occasion, Cameron couldn't find his children
0:25:32 > 0:25:34during a football match at West Ham,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37only to discover they were safe and well at Aston Villa.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40APPLAUSE
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48which this week features as its guest publication
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Concertina World, the best concertina magazine there is.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54ACCORDION to those in the know.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56AUNDIENCE GROANS And we start with...
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Decided against having any pudding.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Thought about putting his concertina in the freezer.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Maximus was having climate problems with his concertina
0:26:11 > 0:26:13in the tropical rainforest and was told by another forum user...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Then again, it's hard to find any environment
0:26:18 > 0:26:20that isn't hostile to the concertina.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Next...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Head-butts wasp.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Licks an ocelot.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30That's close, isn't it?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- It is close.- It must be.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Man trying to impress girls at zoo
0:26:34 > 0:26:36gets in tussle with panda.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39The man who fought a panda was left with two black eyes,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42which only made him more attractive to the pandas.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Finally, pudgy older fathers...what?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I read this, they're incredibly attractive to women.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yes, very attractive to women.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Very attractive to women.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55VERY attractive to women!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59It's true. I certainly recognise it as a phase.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- That's a compliment, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10That's probably the nicest thing a woman's ever said to me.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Pudgy older fathers live longer and are more attractive.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19The final scores are Ian and Tim with six points,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Paul and Andy with seven.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33New panel show - Countdown.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:27:40 > 0:27:43And I leave you with news that after weeks of scandal and rumour,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45the press finds a British cyclist
0:27:45 > 0:27:48who's definitely not on performance enhancing drugs.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54At another disastrous fractured company awayday,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56one boss tries to lighten the mood
0:27:56 > 0:27:59with his favourite walking-down-the-stairs trick.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06And in Los Angeles, Simon Cowell's dermatologist reveals
0:28:06 > 0:28:08ten years' worth of removed skin.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11GROANING
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Goodnight.