0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45on a building site in Manchester
0:00:45 > 0:00:47after a construction worker is injured in a fall,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50the main culprit tries to sneak away from the scene.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Following Donald Trump's shock victory,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59the youth wing of the Ku Klux Klan
0:00:59 > 0:01:01slightly jumped the gun with a visit to Washington.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And in the grounds of Windsor Castle, a furious Kate Middleton
0:01:09 > 0:01:12wonders where the hell Princess Charlotte's buggy's gone.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who in one show
0:01:19 > 0:01:22lambasted posh white men as the cause of all Britain's problems.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Yeah, well, that's as may be.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26You just try holding a boat race without them.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Please welcome Nish Kumar.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And with Paul tonight is a Labour MP
0:01:37 > 0:01:39who says she's spent many of her evenings as a teenager
0:01:39 > 0:01:41leafleting for the Labour Party,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43although her parents told friends she was in prison.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Please welcome Jess Phillips MP.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Ian and Nish, take a look at this.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Oh, yes, the Chancellor flying an aeroplane.- The Autumn Statement.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- It's jam. - Erm, that is not scientific.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05The big news of the Autumn Statement
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- is that he's cancelling the Autumn Statement.- That's right, yes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12That's a pretty gangsta move, like, to come out and be like,
0:02:12 > 0:02:13"What is your Autumn Statement?"
0:02:13 > 0:02:16"This is the last one. Mic drop. Hammond out."
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Tell me something not boring about Philip Hammond.- Ohhh...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Can you tell us something not boring?- He...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26He's a champion water skier.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- He used to run a nightclub.- What?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32That must have been the worst nightclub ever.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Was it Cinatra's with a C?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Just listen to what this lady has to say.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I remember going round to his house once.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43We got hold of half a bottle of sherry
0:02:43 > 0:02:47and, erm, proceeded to drink it and, very randomly,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50we ended up having a bit of a cheeky snog.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55MUSIC: Bang A Gong (Get It On) By T. Rex.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Who'd have thought that Philip Hammond was such a good kisser?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Literally no-one.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I mean, in that photo, he looks like the guy that did it in all films.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13But to be fair, he's the only one that's bothered to turn up in focus.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"To other kids, it doesn't matter, you know..."
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Well, we saw some jam there. What was the jam all about?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It's a new acronym for the Government -
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Just About Managing, and it describes their performance.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32The fact is we're in unbelievable debt.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34We're in even more debt than we've ever been.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38£2 trillion of debt, which we're going to have to pay off.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40All those years of austerity and we've just given up.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I don't want to be gloomy.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Cos if you're gloomy, you know, they come and get you.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48The Chancellor's only just keeping his job.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50People saying, "Oh, for God's sake, Hammond, can't you cheer up?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"Tell us that the weather's lovely."
0:03:52 > 0:03:56"But it isn't. Winter's coming."
0:03:58 > 0:04:01So how is Hammond going to help the Just About Managing?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- What's he going to do? - He's borrowing lots of money.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08He's reversing some of the cuts and he's going to build roads
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- and houses and infrastructure. - Upping the minimum wage.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Upping the minimum wage.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14He's doing lots of things that quite a lot of people agree with,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17which is sort of his job. He's meant to be quite boring.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Erm, and to make everyone feel calm.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And that there isn't going to be a disaster.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- Unfortunately, Mrs May used the term "the cliff edge".- Yes, that's right.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"We don't want to go up to the cliff edge,"
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and you're thinking, "Hang on, he's telling us to calm down and...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"Oh, my God, there's a cliff edge!" But...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36That's right, Theresa May said she does not want...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39No, well, that's sound.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Some people DO want to go off a cliff edge, though.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Who are the people who like the cliff edge?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Is it Iain Duncan Smith?- Ooh, yes.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Richard Tice from the Leave Means Leave group, he likes it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52He says we need a quick transition to Brexit to avoid uncertainty,
0:04:52 > 0:04:54whereas Paul Nuttall, the UKIP leadership candidate,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57says, "There is no cliff. It's a springboard."
0:04:58 > 0:05:00He can be the first one off, then!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02You try it first.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Philip Hammond, of course, has been debating public spending
0:05:05 > 0:05:07for a long time, as we can see from this clip.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- This is a clip from 2010.- Oh!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I don't think any party has identified in detail
0:05:12 > 0:05:15how they will reduce public spending
0:05:15 > 0:05:17over the course of the coming Parliament.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19The question to the Labour Party, to Peppa, if I may,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23is you have all the civil servants, you have all the data,
0:05:23 > 0:05:24you're sitting on all the contracts,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26you know all the forward commitments.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Why have you not published a comprehensive spending review?
0:05:31 > 0:05:32She has no answer!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Anyway, so there was great news around Brexit Britain.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Come on, libtards, come on, let's cheer up! Come on! It's great news.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Let's look on the bright side. Now, what's the bright side?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Brexit's going to cost us...- No, the bright side, the bright side.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48- Oh, sorry.- Jobs are up.- Yes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Facebook and Google are expanding.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53They're creating hundreds of jobs - in tax avoidance, mainly.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Erm...
0:05:55 > 0:05:58What does The Daily Star claim are coming down?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- Prices. - Exactly - prices are coming down.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02This Friday, there's going to be
0:06:02 > 0:06:05a Bumper Black Friday Brexit Bonanza discount.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07We're not doing that again, are we?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Yes. It's to cheer up Britain and, in anticipation...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- That's why it's called Black Friday? - Yeah.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15What's a Morrisons supermarket hiring several of?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16- Assassins.- This is...
0:06:16 > 0:06:18They're going to cull the shoppers.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"We haven't got enough yoghurt to sell to everybody."
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Morrisons are hiring...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Who's planning on making a comeback?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Des O'Connor.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37To be fair, he never went away.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- Tony Blair.- Tony Blair, yes. - Blair? Fantastic news!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43A source told The Sunday Times...
0:06:46 > 0:06:47I can think of one.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I mean, are you desperate enough to welcome him back?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I mean, I suppose the Labour Party's having a bit of a tough time,
0:06:55 > 0:07:00but I'm not entirely sure he's the answer to that particular question.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02You don't think he'd come back and be popular?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Well, it's difficult to say. He won three elections, didn't he?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08So he's more popular than we've been for some time.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Erm...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13But, yeah, I mean, I think that...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It's not the person I would have picked, but there we go.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19But meanwhile, I mean, Labour must just be rubbing their hands
0:07:19 > 0:07:21at the disarray the Government finds themselves in.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Just landing some careful blows.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- That's right, it's a precision team. - Yeah. What...?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30What has Jeremy Corbyn's response been?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I'm not entirely sure.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I don't even know the answer.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38There have been a couple of gnomic tweets from him.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Perhaps you can interpret these for us.- Oh, yeah, the tweets, yeah.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Here's one.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Is that a cryptic crossword clue?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10People of Birmingham Yardley speak of little else.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I just think no response is better, because after the sort of...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19In the immediate aftermath of the EU referendum,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22it was kind of impressive, the way that the Labour Party looked
0:08:22 > 0:08:25at the Conservatives in turmoil and didn't think,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"Oh, we can use this to our advantage," and instead just went,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"You call that political disarray?"
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"Sit down, let the professionals show you how it's done!"
0:08:35 > 0:08:38This is Philip Hammond's first autumn statement as Chancellor.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Well, actually, it's his second.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43His first statement was just, "Oh, shit."
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Theresa May has inspired the acronym JAM for those who are...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Although, for some reason she hasn't come up with
0:08:50 > 0:08:52a term yet for those fat cats who are...
0:08:55 > 0:08:58APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Paul and Jess, have this.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07This is obviously the story of Nigel Farage being appointed
0:09:07 > 0:09:11by Twitter by Donald Trump to potentially be the ambassador
0:09:11 > 0:09:13between the UK and the US,
0:09:13 > 0:09:19which would make Nigel Farage an economic migrant.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22And Theresa May basically saying,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"I'm Ukip enough by myself, I don't need Nigel Farage's help."
0:09:27 > 0:09:29And saying, "There is no vacancy
0:09:29 > 0:09:33"for migrant-hating racists in my..."
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- Administration. - "..administration," yes, so...
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- There's enough. - Yeah, there's plenty.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Because last week we weren't on because it was Children With Knees
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- and we had... - LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:48But I have not read a paper, so this just sounds all so absurd.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Oh, there's more.- Is there more?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Yeah. Trump has proposed to the Queen...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- NISH:- Oh, God! - JESS:- Marriage?
0:09:54 > 0:09:59..and she's accepted, and the wedding is next year.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02They're going to have it in Trump Tower.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- It's going to be fantastic. - Oh, I look forward to it.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05- Yeah, I'm best man.- Oh, are you?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- He hasn't actually appointed him. I mean...- No, but via Twitter.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11I mean, that's real, isn't it?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14And the President isn't actually allowed to appoint
0:10:14 > 0:10:15- our ambassador yet.- No, no.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Thankfully not. - NISH:- Not on Twitter.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- If he does it on Facebook, it's legally binding.- Yeah.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22So, it was a late-night tweet from Trump.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Do you remember roughly what it said?
0:10:24 > 0:10:30It said that many people think that Nigel Farage would make an excellent
0:10:30 > 0:10:33ambassador between the UK and the US, or something along those lines.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34That's many in the sense of one.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I responded to Donald Trump and I said, "Name them."
0:10:38 > 0:10:40This is exactly what he said...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Donald Trump doesn't even follow Nigel Farage on Twitter,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- which is a massive digital slap in the face.- Really?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Yeah, he doesn't even follow him,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55so he doesn't think he's that great a job.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58He doesn't think he's got top bants online.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Do you remember Christopher Meyer,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- who was Tony Blair's ambassador to the US?- Yeah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- Do you remember what his instruction was?- Yeah.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Get as drunk as possible, and then avoid everybody.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- It was pretty nearly that.- Was it?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15He was told to, "Get as far up George Bush's arse as you can."
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Exactly! "We want you to go..."
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Is he allowed to use crampons?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Is he?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30So, that's the brief. Actually, maybe Nigel Farage is qualified.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Well, Blair did it himself. He didn't actually need an ambassador.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Now, who'd like to see a picture of Farage,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39quite possibly the happiest moment in his life?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- I think that's the door into Trump Tower.- It is fantastic.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Have you seen the pictures of inside?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It's sort of late Gaddafi, the decor.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Perhaps early Saddam, but it's...
0:11:57 > 0:12:01It's a riot of vulgar dictator chic, it is.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Meanwhile, how is Theresa May's special relationship
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- with Trump coming along? - Very good.- Very good.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10He said to her, "If you're ever over, do drop in."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I haven't even made that up, that was it.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"If you're coming over, let me know."
0:12:15 > 0:12:19That's what you say to the couple you don't like on holiday, isn't it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Trump gave an interview to the New York Times this week.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24He broke one of his campaign promises in it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Do you know what that was?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- The wall's not going to be a wall, it's going to be a fence.- Fence.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Then a sign.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Then an old man going, "Tchu, tchu, tchu."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- And he's not going to lock up Hillary.- That's the one, yes.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Anyone would think this show's trying to cheer us all up.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43He dropped his threat to lock up Hillary Clinton.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51That's not going to go down well with the nutters, is it?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Did anyone catch any other gems from his interview?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57He hasn't been locked up himself, so maybe he's feeling clement.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Yeah.- Because Trump University settled the case.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03First president who's actually had to pay out for fraud.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04He said...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14There was an issue that some people were perhaps thinking
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- might have been there to distract from this.- Yeah, it was Hamilton.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Mike Pence went to a musical, and Mike Pence believes that
0:13:21 > 0:13:24you can electrocute gay people until they're heterosexual again,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26and he went to see a musical.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And unsurprisingly, the audience did not react favourably.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I'm just thinking of the potential of the rhyme of Pence and fence.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- JESS:- Oh, yeah.- Don't you think that would...? Thank you.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Rap, it's much easier than it looks.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Another flurry of late-night tweets from Donald Trump.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11If an audience booing you demands an apology
0:14:11 > 0:14:14then the people of Leamington Spa owe me a parade
0:14:14 > 0:14:16after last Saturday. I can't...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Mike Pence should try being a stand-up comedian.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22The things people... "You're awful." "This is dreadful."
0:14:22 > 0:14:26"You're a huge disappointment to me and your father." It's just...
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I did love the fact that Trump, in his tweet, said,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33"The theatre is meant to be a safe space."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Rather ignores the history of the American presidency.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Have you ever noticed how much alpha males like to touch
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- each other, in the US? - Yeah, quite a lot. All the time.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Noah Garfinkel on Twitter has noticed this.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Let's see how many backslaps there are in this clip.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Well, I think that's proof that Donald Trump believes in
0:15:10 > 0:15:13diversity - it's not just women he grabs.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"It's guys, you can grab 'em by the shoulder, hey,
0:15:16 > 0:15:17"get 'em by the butt."
0:15:19 > 0:15:22This is the suggestion from Donald Trump that Nigel Farage
0:15:22 > 0:15:24should be the UK ambassador in Washington.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26There's been speculation that Trump might give a job
0:15:26 > 0:15:30to his son-in-law Jared Kushner but according to The Telegraph...
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Laws brought in by George Bush, or was it his dad?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42And so to round two. The picture-spin quiz.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49BUZZER
0:15:49 > 0:15:53The Royal Family have been hit, like all of us, heavily with the finances
0:15:53 > 0:15:56and they've started up a two-person Do-it-yourself team.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Liz and Phil - No Job Too Small.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08No, I think this must be about Buckingham Palace.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It's got to be renovated at the cost of...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- £370 million, they say. - That will go up.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Yeah, it will. - There have been calls for the Queen
0:16:15 > 0:16:17to contribute to the Buckingham Palace repair bill.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19She could write a cheque or she could do what she did
0:16:19 > 0:16:23with Windsor Castle and burn it down for the insurance.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26But what's actually going to be done to the palace?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29They are getting in Trump's designer...
0:16:29 > 0:16:34And finally we're going to have a palace that actually looks like one.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's going to be gold outside and leopard skin inside.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41The throne's being done up with peacock feathers and
0:16:41 > 0:16:44proper bling in, you know, all the way through.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46And there's a casino on Horse Guards Parade,
0:16:46 > 0:16:50with one-armed bandits all the way and the Coldstream Guards
0:16:50 > 0:16:53will play hits from Cats as you...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Prince Andrew's going to be an Elvis impersonator...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01He's going to do Love Me Tender, you know,
0:17:01 > 0:17:05as you hit the blackjack tables. So I can't wait,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I think it's going to be fantastic.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14According to The Guardian, the work will cover...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20And even...
0:17:22 > 0:17:23"If only", muttered Charles.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Several of the gas boilers at Buckingham Palace need replacing
0:17:28 > 0:17:31and of course the engineers who do it will have to be Corgi-approved.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37There was a joke in Private Eye that was very similar to that.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Do you remember it, Ian?- I do. It's in this issue. It was similar
0:17:40 > 0:17:42in the sense of being identical.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50But I'm not going to use this as an opportunity to flog my
0:17:50 > 0:17:53merchandise if, say, I had a Christmas album of songs.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I...I wouldn't bring it up.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58What's that I can hear?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:00 > 0:18:01ALEXANDER: # Golden Brown
0:18:01 > 0:18:03# Texture like sun
0:18:03 > 0:18:07# Lays me down with my mind she runs
0:18:07 > 0:18:09# Throughout the night... #
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I've played that song to my wife as a punishment.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- You know it's a song about heroin, don't you?- I do, I do.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I think it's a song about a state of mind.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Caused by heroin.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I thought for years it was about Gordon Brown!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Surely the lyric "Never a frown, with Gordon Brown..."?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Must have thrown you off the scent somewhat?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43BUZZER
0:18:43 > 0:18:46It's the annual story, it comes round every year, which is funny
0:18:46 > 0:18:47with annual stories...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Basically, Lapland gone wrong, it's always a disaster
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- and somebody else has done it this year.- That's right, yes.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Bakewell Winter Wonderland, for example, is nicknamed...
0:18:57 > 0:19:00After visitors paid £7 to trek through a muddy field,
0:19:00 > 0:19:01only to find...
0:19:04 > 0:19:07If this happens every year, do you think people just never learn?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11If I set up Nigerian Minister Sends You A Letter Land...?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Do you think people would come along and just give me their money?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19One person compared the conditions slightly dramatically to...
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Was there a £7 entry fee for that as well?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Nothing like a sense of proportion, is there?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Here's a picture of the scene...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32The magic Wellington Boot table.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Why were the Woodward family particularly disappointed by
0:19:35 > 0:19:36what was on offer?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- They'd come a long way. - They'd come a very long way,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42all the way down from Sheffield with their caravan and...
0:19:44 > 0:19:45But...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Winter Wonderland in Barrow, Cumbria, was also criticised
0:19:50 > 0:19:53this week - the ice rink flooded, the German market never materialised
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and one mother said her children...
0:19:58 > 0:19:59The Walk Home Land!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I can set that one up, too.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You come to my field, there's nothing there.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Just walk home!
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Seven quid! I'll have that.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- It's hard entertaining kids, though.- Yeah.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Here is a child giving a particularly eloquent review
0:20:12 > 0:20:15of a visit to a safari park.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- DAD:- It's going to kick off here.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- MUM:- Oh, my God.- DAD:- Oh, God.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35Yes, this is the annual story of a winter blunderland.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Angry parents said...
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Sounds like they nailed Christmas, to me.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Time now for the odd-one-out round, just one between you this week.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48And your four are...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Sir Tony Robinson.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51DH Lawrence.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Lucy, the oldest known human.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55And Simon Cowell.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Lucy, the oldest known human, she is a sort of...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Is she a reconstruction of... - She is.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- ..of what we used to be like?- Yes. - Back in the '40s.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I've no idea.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- Have you got a clue? - Heseltine has thousands of them.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Are these trees?- Yes.- Oh.
0:21:13 > 0:21:18I was going to say effigies of Margaret Thatcher.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19- Carry on...- Trees?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23DH Lawrence's books were published in paper...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Zacchaeus could have been up there.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29The tax collector...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- He's... Olive trees?- No, no.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Fig trees?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- No, I misled you there.- Oh, I see.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38I'm more interested in an exact biblical tree than I am...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Yeah.. - ..in the answer to this question...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Lucy is the odd one out. - No.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45The only thing anyone knows about her,
0:21:45 > 0:21:46she was named after a Beatles song.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49She was named after Lucy In The Sky.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Yeah. That's not going to help here. - I saw it in a documentary.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Very interesting.- DH Lawrence was named after one of the early hits...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01It's not going well, this, is it?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Trees, trees...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05They've all knocked down trees. Tell us.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- They all love climbing... - Climbing trees.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- They all love climbing trees apart from DH Lawrence.- No.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Apart from Lucy, who was ground-based.- No.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Simon Cowell.- No!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Tony Robinson!- Tony Robinson! There we go.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Apart from Tony Robinson... I'm going to tell you.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21He won't even touch a pencil.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24They all like climbing trees, apart from Sir Tony Robinson,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27who was caught urinating against one in the grounds of Buckingham Palace.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30He revealed this in an interview this week. Did anyone not...?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- No.- I'm amazed it wasn't bigger news.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Simon Cowell likes climbing trees? - He likes climbing trees, absolutely.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41He revealed in an interview once his favourite hobby is climbing trees.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43He said:
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Anyway, back to the Palace garden, where we join Tony Robinson.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51He was filming an episode of Time Team Live in the Queen's gardens
0:22:51 > 0:22:54and got caught short moments before the cameras started rolling.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02That... That's not unique.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07How do we know that Lucy, our oldest known human ancestor,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09liked climbing trees?
0:23:09 > 0:23:10She left a note.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15She was discovered in the 1970s, but they've only just worked out
0:23:15 > 0:23:18by studying her bones that in fact there were multiple breaks,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20in particular:
0:23:27 > 0:23:29So that makes her the oldest person that's fallen out of a tree
0:23:29 > 0:23:31apart from Keith Richards.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36They say that suggests this was the cause of death.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Wow.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39The BBC website very helpfully shows us
0:23:39 > 0:23:42her falling from the... There we are.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Just in case we...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49The answer is they all like climbing trees apart from Tony Robinson,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51who was caught urinating against one.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Tony Robinson relieved himself
0:23:53 > 0:23:55just before a live Time Team at Buckingham Palace.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56It was a very exciting dig.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59They discovered the bony figure of an ancient prince
0:23:59 > 0:24:01who told them to bugger off out of his garden.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04According to the New York Times,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06DH Lawrence liked to climb a mulberry tree
0:24:06 > 0:24:08to inspire his writing. According to the article,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11many creative artists took inspiration in strange ways.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Strange ingredient for a fondant fancy.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Simon Cowell told The Sun:
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Well, they've already made a start on his face.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33which this week features as its guest publication Towpath Talk.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36There are lots of rules regarding barge travel.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39There's a limit of 60 - no-one under the age of 60.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41And we start with:
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Navigate your boat.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Open locks.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Open locks. Open locks.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52That is...unwittingly right, actually.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54What do you mean, unwittingly?!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57You're thinking of barge locks, you're thinking of canal-ways.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of. - Actually, you can unlock your car.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03There are fears that the technology may not be perfect
0:25:03 > 0:25:07and if you own a BMW it might unlock doors to anyone
0:25:07 > 0:25:09who looks like a smug bastard.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Next:
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- NISH:- Actual donkey as donkey.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Panto saves money using normal-sized people as dwarfs
0:25:21 > 0:25:23but making them stand further away.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25This is right.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It's been revealed that several pantomime dwarves have lost work to:
0:25:38 > 0:25:42To be honest, that's how a lot of actors finally get work.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44According to one paper:
0:25:46 > 0:25:49And remember, that's on top of what they make in the mines.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Next:
0:25:57 > 0:25:59- JESS:- Childbirth.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Reality.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Is it "life"?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05It is in fact:
0:26:06 > 0:26:08This is from Towpath Talk -
0:26:08 > 0:26:11the annual dilemma of how to black your barge's hull:
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Or should you go and live in a fucking house like a normal person?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Next:
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- NISH:- Is it Windows 8?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35No!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Presumably all you have to do is open Windows.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47And finally:
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Chocolate.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- JESS:- Lasagne.- Absolutely right.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Brenden Taylor posted a picture of his partner's scan on Facebook.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Here it is:
0:26:58 > 0:26:59To which someone replied:
0:27:03 > 0:27:04To which Brenden replied:
0:27:04 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:10 > 0:27:11This is the story of a woman
0:27:11 > 0:27:14who posted an ultrasound picture of her unborn baby daughter
0:27:14 > 0:27:16only for her friend to mistake it for a lasagne.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Although she hopes to have the baby naturally,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22doctors have warned her she may require a Caesarean Salad.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26So the final scores are, Ian and Nish have 4,
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Paul and Jess have 8.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:38And I leave you with news that
0:27:38 > 0:27:41an old showbiz double-act are forced to go back on the road
0:27:41 > 0:27:43with their "catch the peanut" routine.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51In Washington, one Democrat admits
0:27:51 > 0:27:54to putting a crafty 100 on Trump to win.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01And in central London, one politician begins to regret
0:28:01 > 0:28:04agreeing to the image consultant's suggestion to have a makeover.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Jezzie Izzard!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Goodnight!