0:00:02 > 0:00:04This is an issue, gang. I'm sorry. I couldn't find any tissues.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- So I apologise.- Would you like a clean handkerchief?- It's linen...!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13I'm afraid to say, constituents often cry in my surgery.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15So I find it very useful to have a clean handkerchief.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- I can imagine that so clearly. - I thought you might.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Mel Giedroych.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04And in the news this week, on a well-deserved break in Tenerife,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Sports Direct's Mike Ashley dives effortlessly into his swimming pool.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20At Chevening House, as Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis
0:01:20 > 0:01:23all bring their pets for the weekend,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25it's a tough day for the local dog walker.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37And at his constituency in Tatton,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39George Osborne denies he's still obsessed with austerity
0:01:39 > 0:01:42as he makes a few adjustments to the village Christmas tree.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who, in 2007,
0:01:55 > 0:01:59married Helena de Chair, who I believe was one of a set of six.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Please welcome Jacob Rees-Mogg, MP.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And with Paul tonight is creator and star of Citizen Khan,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15the funniest thing to come out of Birmingham
0:02:15 > 0:02:17since the estimated completion date of HS2.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Please welcome Adil Ray. - Thank you.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Paul and Adil, take a look at this.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- PAUL:- It's Theresa May.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33That's the House of Commons a long time ago.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36The England cricket team. There we are.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39And they are setting fire to the EU fire regulations.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42There she is again.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- There was a judge asleep there. - There was a sleeping judge there.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49That's an appalling slur, right at the top of the show.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The suggestion that it was so dull in court he'd be asleep...
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Don't you think that's appalling? - Indeed. I'm shocked.- Good.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:01The wigs are very hot, though. So maybe he was just having a quick...
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Are they usually wide-awake, the judges You appear in front of?
0:03:05 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:13In the Supreme Court, they don't wear wigs.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15They are rather modern in the Supreme Court.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- They just where ordinary clothes. - They come as The Supremes.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:24This is the news that Parliament backed Theresa May
0:03:24 > 0:03:27to trigger the Brexit processed by the end of March next year.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31So who was this a victory for, Labour or the government?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- What do we think? - Oh, huge victory for the government.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35A triumph for the Conservative Party,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37for Mrs May and the Chief Whip.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:41This is the post-truth era.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It was a bit of a climb-down, though, wasn't it,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47to say, "I'm not going to tell you the plan."
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And then say, "Well, we will tell you the plan."
0:03:50 > 0:03:53We've been told the plan. We are leaving the European Union.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Brexit means Brexit. And...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57No, that's the aim. What's the plan?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01That's what happens at the end of a two-year process.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03That is it. We leave.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05And it's been very clear from the other side,
0:04:05 > 0:04:09from Mr Tusk and Mr Barnier, that we can't cherry-pick,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12that there is no such thing as hard Brexit or soft Brexit,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15there's either Brexit or remaining in the European Union.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17But Mrs May uses this metaphor of a cliff edge.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19And that was your leader.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22That was her own metaphor, "We don't want to go over the cliff edge."
0:04:22 > 0:04:24She used a better metaphor,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26so you'd have "a red white and blue Brexit",
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- which is the one I prefer.- Right.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- So you're cherry-picking her metaphors.- I am, yes.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Let's have a little look.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Is it hard, soft? Is it grey, white?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Actually, we want a red, white and blue Brexit.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46That is the right Brexit for the United Kingdom.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Hang on a minute, no mention of brown there.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I know what she's up to.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56How did the Star make this story more fun,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00while not exactly making it any clearer?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Theresa May with her kit off. - Oh...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Almost, yes. Yes, almost.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Have a little look at this.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09We go up the body, Geri, Geri... Theresa.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I didn't see anything like that in the Financial Times.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18But then, they are terrible Remainers.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Well, people who know what they're talking about
0:05:20 > 0:05:22with the financial markets.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25APPLAUSE
0:05:25 > 0:05:28But, Jacob, am I right in saying that you wanted
0:05:28 > 0:05:32a hard, white Brexit with a runny yolk.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- You're absolutely right, yes. - Is that right?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37You're absolutely spot on. I think that's how we should have it.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39We should have an absolutely solid and clear Brexit,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41but we should be generous to our European friends,
0:05:41 > 0:05:42as far as we possibly can be.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44When you knock the top off your egg of a morning, Jacob,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47are you a peeler or are you a slicer?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Do you know, I'm all in favour of Brexit, I never have breakfast.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- So I can't really... - Brexfast.- Or Brexfast.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- ADIL:- His butler does it, come on.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You're asking the wrong person.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Perhaps he doesn't walk around in daylight.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:10We've covered that. It's all right, we'll carry on. Good. Excellent.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- I love this, it's brisk. - Yes. Bloody brisk.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Have you got somewhere to go?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- I do, actually.- Channel 4.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:23 > 0:06:28Now, the Daily Mail insisted that it was right to discuss
0:06:28 > 0:06:30the 11 Supreme Court judges' backgrounds. And why not?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Given that they will be passing judgment on what will be an issue
0:06:34 > 0:06:37that affects the lives of everyone in the country, here they are.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Here are the 11 judges.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Er...that looks like a picture of your stag party, Jacob.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Nine went to Oxbridge, nine went to public school,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50two of which are old Etonians and there is one woman.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- What, only two old Etonians? - I'm afraid so, Jacob.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Most of them are in prison these days, so...
0:06:59 > 0:07:01This court case, of course, is pretty momentous.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04It's all been extremely exciting.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09- Shall we have a look at the riveting workings of the Supreme Court?- Yeah.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Sadly, we're not actually allowed to show you any footage from the court,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15but do you think it'd be possible to sort of stage our own
0:07:15 > 0:07:16repertory theatre Crown Court here?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I'd fight anybody who said we couldn't do it.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20All right, good.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21I've got some scripts here.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Paul, I'd very much like you to be Lord Pannick.- Lord Pannick.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Adil, please will you take the part of Lord Clarke?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Jacob, I'd like you to be Lady Hale, please.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33And, Ian, please, the President.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35No expense spared here on Have I Got News For You.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38We've got wigs, we've got ruddy wigs.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40I know, Jacob, you said they don't have wigs in the Supreme Court.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- They don't.- But tonight they do. Just go with it, Jacob.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47So two comedy judge wigs for you.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Now, of course, we need a...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Which way do they go on?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I'm afraid I'm not wearing a wig.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00AUDIENCE: Awww!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Come on! Wig! Wig! Wig!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06AUDIENCE CHANTS: Wig! Wig! Wig! Wig!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09CHANTING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I'm not wearing a wig for the very obvious reason I'm a Tory
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- and I can't therefore wear a "Whig". - Awww!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I'll happily put it on the desk in front of me.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17All right, my love.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20That's good, that's good. Well done, Adil. See, Adil's wearing a wig.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24I'm wearing a wig. They accuse people like me of not integrating.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- High Court judge! - APPLAUSE
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I've reached the top.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34# Stop! In the name of love... #
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Where's Diana gone? Where's she gone?
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Paul, I very much like the way one flap is sort of back
0:08:44 > 0:08:45- and one is forward.- It's deliberate.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It's very alluring, it's very alluring.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49Flirting.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Ian, we've got the President for you.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Who is the President?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Oh, sorry, I said, "Could we get a President wig?" I think...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57It's Trump, isn't it?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59They might... APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:01There's been a bit of a mix-up at the wig store. Sorry, Ian.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Catch. Catch.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Jacob...
0:09:05 > 0:09:06AUDIENCE BOOS
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Oh, what, just because Jacob's not wearing a wig,
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Ian's not going to wear one, either?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- Well...- Oh.- I think we've won this round already.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It's amazing the number of people
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- who think they've got dignity to lose, isn't it?- Exactly!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21APPLAUSE
0:09:21 > 0:09:24APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:09:24 > 0:09:29Now, it's about the pronunciation of the name in an old case.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31OK, lovely, so...
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- Gents, let the drama begin, my darlings.- I'll kick off, shall I?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37IN ELDERLY VOICE:
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"De Kee-ser."
0:09:52 > 0:09:53"I will call it De Kee-ser."
0:09:56 > 0:09:58"You say De Kee-ser, I say De Kai-ser."
0:10:00 > 0:10:02IN ACCENT:
0:10:05 > 0:10:06APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Very strong.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh, ladies and gentlemen, rounds of applause.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I tell you what, if we keep these on, they'll have to use it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- They won't be able to cut it out. - Exactly.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26We've got 'em on now.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29You should have thought of that before you handed out the props.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Way-hay! Look at this!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32We've having a party.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37The Supreme Court panel includes Baroness Hale and ten lords,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40for whom this is a particularly busy time of year,
0:10:40 > 0:10:42as they have a lot of a-leaping to do.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53APPLAUSE
0:10:55 > 0:10:58One of the Supreme Court judges is Lord Clarke
0:10:58 > 0:11:00of...
0:11:01 > 0:11:04..which I can only assume is some public school version
0:11:04 > 0:11:06of rock-paper-scissors.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09APPLAUSE
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I think we were right not to wear the wigs.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- I think you're right.- Jacob, what did you whisper just then?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Something about the wigs?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I said I thought the two of us were right not to wear the wigs.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19They're still here if you change your mind.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22You know, it wouldn't be beyond the wit of the production team
0:11:22 > 0:11:23just to sort of have a photograph of you
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and just sort of computer Photoshop the wig on top.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29But the BBC wouldn't behave in such a disgraceful way.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Well, I've given them half an hour's warning.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Ian and Jacob, take a look at this.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Ah, this is a by-election being held today.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I don't think he's won.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46That's the Lib Dems. That's a fish, he's not a Lib Dem.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48And that's Zac.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"Something fishy here," says the fish.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54"I thought I had a bad day."
0:11:56 > 0:11:58By-elections -
0:11:58 > 0:12:01we had one last week where very sadly Zac Goldsmith lost his seat
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and we've got one in Sleaford and North Hykeham today.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07We will have the result by the time this is being watched.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09And I expect it'll be a gigantic victory for Conservatism
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and therefore a day of rejoicing and song.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17It was a big Tory majority that was overturned, though, wasn't it?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Yeah, in Richmond.- We didn't have a candidate in Richmond.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Zac was standing as an independent.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Um, why didn't the Tories have a Tory candidate?- That's what I asked.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Yes, um...
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Because we thought it might reduce Zac's chances of winning.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34But why did you want him to win?
0:12:34 > 0:12:35He'd just said, "I resign."
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Because he had been a Conservative before
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and, to be perfectly honest, we didn't want the Lib Dems to win,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43which was a worse result than an independent winning
0:12:43 > 0:12:45and sadly that worse result came to pass.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- Sort of in spades, really. - Well, not really -
0:12:48 > 0:12:51they've gone from eight to nine in the House of Commons,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53which I don't think is going to change the world much.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Zac lost for the second time in a year.- Yeah.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- It's not a good year for him, was it?- He's had a heck of a year.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Of course, he lost the London mayoral election to Sadiq Khan
0:13:01 > 0:13:03after a campaign that involved
0:13:03 > 0:13:06a little bit of scaremongering about Muslims.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09And who else became embroiled in this issue this week?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Oh, yes, the American author
0:13:12 > 0:13:15who said that London is becoming Islamic.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16- Yes.- Yes, yes.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Janie Johnson is her name and she tweeted this...
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Now, Janie's tweet was met with a variety of responses.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Yep.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That is now known as the "Burqin".
0:13:43 > 0:13:44- The "Burqin"?- Yep.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Somebody else responded to Janie...
0:13:57 > 0:13:59APPLAUSE
0:14:01 > 0:14:04The Labour candidate in Richmond lost his deposit.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Do you know any of the issues that he is big on?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11One of them was not getting anyone to vote for him.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13That became quite a big issue.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16There are more members of the Labour Party in Richmond
0:14:16 > 0:14:18than people who voted for him, which is quite poor
0:14:18 > 0:14:21if you can't even get your own members to vote for you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23According to The Telegraph...
0:14:28 > 0:14:33Probably needed toilet paper when he saw his results coming through.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Does he champion the bidet?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Oh, I don't like a bidet.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Don't you? - I don't, no.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Two days before D-Day, did you know that?
0:14:43 > 0:14:44It's true.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46True story.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I don't know. Jacob, how do you feel about a bidet?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Is it non-you, is it a bit non-you?
0:14:53 > 0:14:54A bit INCONTINENTAL.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Who did we learn is quite thin skinned this week?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02- Boris Johnson? - Yeah.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Ministers have been ordered to stop making jokes about him
0:15:05 > 0:15:07in a bid to banish his...
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Do you think people might take Mr Johnson more seriously
0:15:14 > 0:15:17if he actually learnt to dress himself properly?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Have a look at this.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I think that is exactly the attire
0:15:24 > 0:15:28you would expect a dashing young foreign secretary to have.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a long tie.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33It's more of a noose, really, isn't it?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Now, Jacob, you supported Boris for the leadership, didn't you?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- Yes, great man. - Until he was...
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And very popular on Have I Got News For You?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You supported Boris until he was stabbed in the back by Michael Gove,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53then you supported Gove until he was knocked out.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Then you supported Andrea Leadsom.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Presumably that was, kind of, just for a laugh.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02In any case, are you really a fan of Mrs May and the chief whips?
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Oh, absolutely. There is, um...greater zeal in a convert
0:16:06 > 0:16:09than there is in somebody who starts off down the road,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11though I certainly accept that my predictions
0:16:11 > 0:16:16during the Conservative leadership campaign were not always correct.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18You see, you can do the diplomacy thing,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20whereas Boris really can't do it, can he?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Yes.- Oh, I don't know. I think he's marvellous.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- A jolly good fellow. - You're just being silly now.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26No, I'm not, I'm not.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I think he's a great representative for the country on the world stage.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31People want to meet Boris, they're interested in him.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34They want to be offended by him, they want to...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36The row today is that he said something
0:16:36 > 0:16:37that most people know to be true.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39So I can't see why people should be too upset.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- I think the shock...- But then Mrs May said it wasn't true!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Then Mrs May said it didn't fully represent government policy,
0:16:45 > 0:16:50- that's a different thing. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:52 > 0:16:55This is the Sleaford and North Hykeham by-election
0:16:55 > 0:16:57that's happening as we speak. As has become tradition,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59the by-election featured three joke candidates
0:16:59 > 0:17:01who stood for the Monster Raving Loony Party,
0:17:01 > 0:17:05the Bus-pass Elvis Party, and the Labour Party.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08According to The Times, the Green Party were offered £250,000
0:17:08 > 0:17:11to sit out the Richmond by-election, but...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17..as it was going to be paid in meat-based fivers.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21According to a recent review of social integration,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24newcomers to this country could soon be made to swear an oath
0:17:24 > 0:17:27that encourages immigrants...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29..which these days presumably goes,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32"I do solemnly swear to shout at myself on buses
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"and tell myself to piss off back where I came from."
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And onwards to Round Two.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Oh, I love this one. The Picture Spin Quiz.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47BELL RINGS
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- That's Mark Carney.- Yes. - The governor of the Bank of England,
0:17:50 > 0:17:52who says we shouldn't worry about anything we're worrying about
0:17:52 > 0:17:55at the moment because all our jobs will be taken over by robots.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57You are bang-on.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00All these robots coming over here, taking our jobs.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Jobs meant for us Pakistanis.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Andy Haldane, the Bank's chief economist,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08did have some slightly reassuring news.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12What jobs did he deem safe from the robo-invasion?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Robot-making jobs.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- They're going to do well.- Good. - They're going to do really well.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Undertakers.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Ooh, kind of...- You don't want to be buried by robots, do you?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- ROBOTIC VOICE:- You will be sadly missed.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32- Hairdressers. - Yes! Hairdressers, Ian.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Oh, you're kidding.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- ..apparently. - Well, nannies are indestructible.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Why might robots not be an immediate threat if you work in a laundry?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47They're allergic to steam. Rusts them up.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Good, we should all get into water-based industries.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- ROBOTIC VOICE:- I have a superior intelligence,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55but it's steam. I cannot take this steam.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59You're really enjoying that character, Paul, aren't you?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- You're really good at robots. - Well, there's a reason for that...
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Go on, then.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09IMITATING DALEK: Can you do a Dalek?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Brex-terminate!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Jacob, come on. Robot! Robot! Robot!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Jacob, we've all done them.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22RHYTHMIC CLAPPING Come on, Jacob.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I would if I could, but I can't.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- ADIL:- That was brilliant! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:32 > 0:19:36The NHS has already started using robots.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40A robot is replacing the NHS's only registered...
0:19:43 > 0:19:48The NHS used to employ one man - one man -
0:19:48 > 0:19:51to offer up his rectum to teach students
0:19:51 > 0:19:53how to carry out examinations.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56He is being replaced by a...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01And here it is.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- ADIL:- What's that?! What is that bit between his legs?!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09We're all thinking that, aren't we?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12What is that?! Is it the end of Boris Johnson's tie?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20That patient is beyond having his rectum examined. Look at him.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22He's got no legs, no torso.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25What's up his arse is the least of his troubles.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Does it make the noise?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29AARGH!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Or... Mm!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Oh, you'll have to take me out for dinner now.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Yes, this is Mark Carney's warning
0:20:40 > 0:20:43that 15 million jobs may be at risk from robots.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Just Eat has delivered its first takeaway using a delivery droid.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50The customer was delighted with the service until he failed to tip
0:20:50 > 0:20:53and the droid vaporised his house with a thermo laser.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Meanwhile, a robot has gone berserk, injuring bystanders
0:20:57 > 0:21:00at a Chinese tech fair. Here is the robot.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06It looks like someone's thrown one of Little Mix into a flip-top bin.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Kim Jong-un, Zacchaeus,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Mike Ashley, and Lois Olsen.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18BELL RINGS
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- We know the topical ones. Zacchaeus...- Hmm.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Um...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25He was a tax collector, and was therefore shunned
0:21:25 > 0:21:29by a lot of people in those days who didn't want to pay taxes.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31How much things have changed.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Is it not about tax?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Not to do with taxes, but it is to do with money.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Well, that's the man from Sports Direct.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- Mm-hmm. Mike Ashley. - Who didn't pay people enough.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Well, they've all earnt money, but she's won some money.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Oh, you haven't mentioned Kim, Kim Jong-un.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It's more to do with him.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50He's the only one in charge of a rogue nuclear state.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56APPLAUSE
0:21:56 > 0:22:00They all have too much money apart from Kim Jong-un,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02who's had to start selling dog-meat ready meals
0:22:02 > 0:22:06to raise money for some nuclear warheads.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Absolutely true, apparently.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12So who is Kim planning on selling his dog-meat ready meals to?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Dogs.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Is he hoping to export them?- Yes.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Is it the first of our new, exciting trade deals?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Dog meat from North Korea.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30According to The Sun newspaper...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Included in the range is powdered dog,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42to which you just add hot water. Presumably called Not Poodle.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Predictably, the story did cause a stir in the comments section
0:22:54 > 0:22:58on The Sun Online. Well, actually, there was just one comment.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Stephen Bentley wrote...
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Now, you mentioned the older lady in the foursome.
0:23:07 > 0:23:1080-year-old Lois Olsen, that is, from Canada.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13She won 50 million in the lottery this week.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16How did she react to the incredible news?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- NORTHERN ACCENT:- Bloody hell!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20She's from Canada.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Oh, right. - AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- Bloody hell!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24She's from Canada.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27LAUGHTER
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Yeah, she says...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38In the Bible, Zacchaeus was described as...
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Zacchaeus was particularly despised
0:23:42 > 0:23:45by the Roman stand-up comedian Jimmius Carrus.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Oh, hang on, Jacob, sorry.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Yeah, I've just got word in from the Photoshopping department.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Let's have a little look at this.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week
0:24:07 > 0:24:11features as its guest publication, Carrot Country.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15It's got a regular medical page, entitled What's Up, Doc?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20And we start with...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25The three dwarfs who didn't make it into the pantomime.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Purple, Scrawny and Pungent.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Hey, Snow White.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- JACOB:- A carrot.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38It is, of course, to do with carrots. The answer is...
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Carrot Country reveals that carrots used to be purple, red and black
0:24:44 > 0:24:47until orange carrots as we know them were bred by the Dutch.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51So, selective breeding made them orange, just like the Trump family.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Next...
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- JACOB:- Carrots.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Jacob, are you just going to say carrots for every single answer?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Well, I got one right and we got a point, so I might get another.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I know this one.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13It's 25 Liberal MPs.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19They're building slowly, but, you know, in 200 million years,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21they're going to be right back up there.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25It's 25 hours in the day because the Earth is going slower.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28And therefore we're going to have an extra hour in the day.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32You're absolutely right, there'll be 25 hours in a day.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Next...
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Of the carrot. - JACOB:- It's got to be the carrot.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You're absolutely right.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43It's the year of the carrot.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Bang on.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52That's according to the vegetarian option of the Chinese horoscope.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55And next year is the year of the brassica,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57so do but that date in your colander.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- GROANS - Very good, I like that.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Next...
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Carrots under cover posing as international playboys in French bars.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- FRENCH ACCENT:- It looked like a carrot, but I am an international playboy.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Carrots under cover Isis sleeping cells.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- Ohh!- Carrots under cover grow bigger than those that are not under cover.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I'll have to give that to you.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24The answer is carrots under cover...
0:26:26 > 0:26:27This is the tip for carrot growers
0:26:27 > 0:26:30to cover the earth with black plastic sheeting.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Another way is to put extra soil and compost on them.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Mm, the plot thickens.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And finally...
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Carrot.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48It's riding a horse.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Oh, very strong, Jacob, absolutely right.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Have we got the picture? It's a very good picture.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59We've absolutely got the picture.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Or as it's also known, the North Korean set menu for two.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08GROANS
0:27:10 > 0:27:12So, the final scores are,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14on 7, Paul and Adil,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17but on 10, Ian and Jacob.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19It's an extraordinary win.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Amazing. How? I've no idea.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23No idea.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Ian Hislop and Jacob Rees-Mogg, Paul Merton and Adil Ray,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33and I leave you with news that,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36as Donald Trump continues to select his White House team,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40there's a successful application for the post of Oval Office intern.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Campaigning in Lincolnshire,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47a confident Nick Clegg points the way to number 76.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54And after putting an extra-large Christmas cake in the oven,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57disaster strikes for Paul Hollywood
0:27:57 > 0:27:59as he eagerly decides to lick the bowl.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Goodnight.
0:28:40 > 0:28:45- Jacob, do you mind if I have a blow? - No, no, by all means.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49LAUGHTER
0:28:49 > 0:28:52No wonder you got 10 points.