0:00:32 > 0:00:33APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:35CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'm Patrick Stewart.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45In the news this week,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48after a Question Time election special,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50featuring Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Tim Farron and Nicola Sturgeon,
0:00:52 > 0:00:56staff open the doors so the audience can leave.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05In New York, after tense negotiations
0:01:05 > 0:01:07take the world closer to Armageddon,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11leading figures continue discussions in the UN bar.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And at the National Television Museum,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24visitors are becoming impatient
0:01:24 > 0:01:29with the man hogging the Pretend to Be a Newsreader exhibit.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You see who's poking his head in the back?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It's Corbyn.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44On Ian's team tonight is a journalist
0:01:44 > 0:01:48who once worked as a tour guide at the Playboy Mansion.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50It's a pretty straightforward job -
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"This is a bedroom.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"This is a bedroom.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"This is a bedroom.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"This is a kitchen.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"Don't mind them - they're using it as a bedroom."
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Please welcome Camilla Long.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:11 > 0:02:15And with Paul tonight is a TV personality and football fan
0:02:15 > 0:02:18who recently tweeted that if Fulham won,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21he would buy all their fans a pint.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I didn't know Chardonnay came in pints.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Please welcome Richard Osman.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:34 > 0:02:38And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Ooh, night of the Living Dead.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46- Really!- It really is!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It will be, the next six weeks.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oh, I'm so pleased they're all in charge(!)
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Oh, dear.- And that's the public reaction.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Well, this is it, we're off. There's a general election.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01We haven't had one for two years,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03we haven't had a big vote for a year -
0:03:03 > 0:03:05we need something to pep us up.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I'm delighted about it. I'm the only person who's happy about it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11About five years ago, I invested in shares
0:03:11 > 0:03:13in that company that makes tiny pencils for voting booths.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Yeah, yeah. Lots of people had said "You're wasting your money,"
0:03:16 > 0:03:18at the time - they said that, didn't they? Not any more.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Look at that. Beautiful.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I think it's sensible to call a snap election -
0:03:22 > 0:03:23- get it in before nuclear war.- Yeah.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I think she wants to slide it in before Donald comes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Because she...- I beg your pardon?!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:34APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- She said she'd make an announcement at 11:15am.- Ah, yes.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40But she came out ten minutes early.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Probably because she got sick
0:03:41 > 0:03:45of watching rolling-news reporters shitting themselves
0:03:45 > 0:03:47because they had no idea what was happening.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Let's have a look.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Is she going to call a snap general election?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I don't know, Vic. I wish I could tell you one way or the other.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55We really know nothing.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57They can often be resignation statements,
0:03:57 > 0:03:58they can be election statements,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00they can be personal statements.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02We do not know.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- IN SPANISH ACCENT: - I know nothing! I know nothing!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Let's try someone who might know something.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Patrick Kidd, parliamentary sketch-writer from the Times,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- what's your take? - Well, I know nothing, either.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:17How has it gone down, this snap election?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Everybody's bored to death of going to the voting booths.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I think that's unfair.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Is that an exaggeration? - Yeah, I think so.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I think there's quite a lot of excitement.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28You can feel it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:31We're going to vote again.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Because we've got a government in power that wants to be back...
0:04:36 > 0:04:37..in power.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40So they're going to the people to say, "Give me a mandate...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"which I have."
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Don't you think it's a bit more than that?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Don't you think she's trying to sort of...
0:04:47 > 0:04:48crush the saboteurs?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Yes, I read that headline.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I thought I'd read the wrong election -
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I thought that was the Turkish one.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:04:59APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What she said was that she was fed up
0:05:03 > 0:05:06with having a divided House of Commons
0:05:06 > 0:05:09in which the opposition just keep on opposing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13In the old days, when she was a Tory backbencher
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and Labour were in power,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17she just voted Labour all the time.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21She voted for Labour about as often as Jeremy Corbyn did, didn't she,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I think, back in those days?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Brenda from Bristol doesn't like it, does she?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Brenda from Bristol?- Yeah.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You're joking? Not another one?!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, for God's sake, I can't...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Honestly, I can't stand this.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39There's too much politics going on at the moment.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Why does she need to do it?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I mean, and she's in the Cabinet.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:52What has Theresa May refused to do?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Appear in televised debates with the other potential leaders,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57leaders of the opposition, of the parties.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58She doesn't want to have to appear
0:05:58 > 0:06:01with people who don't agree with her, which is fair enough.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- But...- I mean, that would be absurd, wouldn't it?
0:06:03 > 0:06:04It would just be silly.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07She'd say something and they'd say, "I don't think that's right",
0:06:07 > 0:06:09and it would just be offensive.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12They're going to have them anyway, with an empty chair.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Well, if more than one person doesn't turn up,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17then they'll have more than one empty chair, what if one...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19If for some reason they all have an argument,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22and none of the leaders turn up, you've got six empty chairs.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Oh, I'd love to see that. They could turn it into Antiques Roadshow.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Yeah!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Just value the chairs.- Yeah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Well, the polls are all pointing to a big Conservative majority,
0:06:32 > 0:06:37but what might prevent several Conservative MPs from standing?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Is this the electoral fraud?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Yes.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41- They might be in jail. - They could be.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43And, technically, you're not meant to stand...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- But they haven't been charged. - ..from prison. No, they haven't.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48So let's be very, very careful.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Do not suggest that anyone's done anything wrong.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Although they totally did.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Don't look at me, I've got nothing to do with this.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57I'll come and visit you,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00but I'm not having anything to do with this.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Lucky 13 Conservatives may be charged with electrical fraud...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Electrical fraud!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- LAUGHTER - Yes!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09APPLAUSE
0:07:11 > 0:07:12They've been fiddling the meters!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Put in the shilling tied to a bit of string,
0:07:16 > 0:07:17and pull it out again.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21What's Joan Bakewell been saying about Theresa May?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23She's been slut-shaming her.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26She's been saying that Theresa's skirts are too short.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Is that slut-shaming?- Yes, it is.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Why?- Because if you say anybody's skirt is too short,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35the indication is that she's, you know...
0:07:35 > 0:07:36a slut, Captain.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:43In Theresa May's case, how does her sluttiness manifest itself?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Short skirts. - Also - calls a lot of elections.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:07:50 > 0:07:52APPLAUSE
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Well, the BBC's Norman Smith seemed very taken by Theresa May.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Did you see what he said?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00No.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I'm always slightly amazed...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04physically, she's up for it.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Who won't be contesting the next election?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13The Chuckle Brothers?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- They can't be separated. - I'd vote for them.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- George Osborne.- Yes.- Jeremy Corbyn. - George Osborne.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20How did he announce this?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23He has become the new editor of the London Evening Standard,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25so he announced to his constituents in Tatton,
0:08:25 > 0:08:26which I think is not in London,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28that he was no longer going to be their MP,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31but also, he gave the news too late to the Evening Standard
0:08:31 > 0:08:33for them to print it that day.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36So his qualifications as an editor are, of course, minimal,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39or indeed his understanding of how the newspaper industry
0:08:39 > 0:08:40currently works.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43You could teach him a lot, Ian.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- God! But he only said he's leaving for now.- For now, yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Which must be great if you're one of his constituents.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"I'm giving up this seat because it is a bit of a bore at the moment,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"but sorry, guys, might come back later
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"when there's something better."
0:08:56 > 0:08:57He actually meant for Now Magazine.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Very good.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08This is the news, incredibly, of something more depressing
0:09:08 > 0:09:10than the outbreak of World War III.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14The Daily Mail, as always, went to the heart of the matter
0:09:14 > 0:09:17by printing in-depth analysis
0:09:17 > 0:09:21from celebrity hairdresser Denise McAdam.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Ha! You don't need hair to be a great leader!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I ask you, who defeated the Borg?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I thought it was John McEnroe, but you may be...
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Can I ask you, Sir Patrick -
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Captain - how are you doing the voice of Pooh?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03You're in the Emoji film.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Well, um, I said...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I said I would only be in The Emoji Movie
0:10:08 > 0:10:11if I played a role that had substance to it.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17APPLAUSE
0:10:19 > 0:10:22A character with high moral fibre.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Exactly.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27You don't want to just be going through the motions.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Absolutely not.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33In fact, I have been preparing for this role for a lifetime.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35According to the latest odds,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Jeremy Corbyn is now 4-1 to win...
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Strictly Come Dancing at the end of the year.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Strictly Come Dancing. It's a lovely show. It's delightful.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Have you done it?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I wanted to, at the very beginning.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52And then the tone of it changed somewhat,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54and I felt that... "Nah, I could pass."
0:10:54 > 0:10:56"Yeah, I'll do Mr Poop instead," you thought.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Oh, yes, Butlin's have announced their new opening.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10What is it? This guy doesn't know whether he is really popular,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12or whether people are really afraid of him.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14We're hoping that is the extent of their missiles.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17And this is the most animated he's been in some time, I think.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22And that's what happens if people don't get on.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Yeah, so this is the nuclear war that's not going to happen
0:11:24 > 0:11:27because Donald Trump, luckily, is in charge of all the negotiations,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30and his calm presence of mind will relieve everybody
0:11:30 > 0:11:33that thinks they are going to be fried and blown up at any moment.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36So, it's all absolutely fine, and everybody's lovely.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39- Yeah, I think he's a good guy.- Yeah.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I'm always amazed that Donald Trump is the same age as my mum.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46I always find that very weird.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The only way my mum would go to nuclear war
0:11:48 > 0:11:50is if they cancelled Eggheads.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52And apart from that, there's nothing else that would...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Isn't that weird?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- CAMILLA:- My mum would go to nuclear war every day of the week.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I have to power her down the whole time.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I'm glad you both got that out in the open.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Genuinely, I think that the prospect
0:12:04 > 0:12:08of our nuclear annihilation very soon
0:12:08 > 0:12:10could have some benefits. Don't you think?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I've got a wedding I don't really want to go to in August.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17And you sort of think, "Well, I might get away with it."
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Why have tensions been rising
0:12:20 > 0:12:22between North Korea and the United States recently?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Trump was bored. He was bored of Syria,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27he was bored of his own country,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31he was bored of people with incompetent haircuts.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35And he just thought the fat kid over the sea
0:12:35 > 0:12:40will be the next one in line, the one with the shit missiles.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41We're going to go for it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- RICHARD:- Stop slut-shaming Kim Jong-un.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48And this is mutually assured lunacy.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's a new international policy.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55The Koreans have to believe that Trump is mad enough
0:12:55 > 0:12:57to launch a missile strike.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58And he is.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02So...they now both are more wary.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03I'm just being hopeful.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Who did Donald Trump meet recently
0:13:07 > 0:13:11that he's hoping will rein in North Korea's threatening behaviour?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Was it me?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16President Xi.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Yes. He was invited to meet President Trump at Mar-a-Lago.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25During his meeting, what news did President Trump impart?
0:13:25 > 0:13:26That he'd attacked Syria.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Let's have a look.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29So what happens is I said,
0:13:29 > 0:13:34"We've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq."
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Heading to Syria?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Yes, heading toward Syria.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I'm really glad someone actually corrected him.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49On a lighter note, President Trump and the First Lady
0:13:49 > 0:13:53hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Here's a picture of the launch.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"The president of the United States,
0:13:59 > 0:14:00"(left)..."
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Why is this rabbit wearing glasses?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I'm not suggesting he shouldn't be wearing glasses,
0:14:13 > 0:14:15but I thought rabbits had good eyesight.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18He must be able to see North Korea from where he's standing.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21How many carrots does HE eat?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Sorry, I'm looking at the wrong one.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Which one's the rabbit again?
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Now, given that he was speaking
0:14:29 > 0:14:32to an excited group of young children
0:14:32 > 0:14:35eagerly awaiting to chase after coloured wooden eggs,
0:14:35 > 0:14:40what did Donald Trump say to get the Easter Egg Roll under way?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41"Nuke 'em!"
0:14:43 > 0:14:44We can hear what he said...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Oh, can we? Oh, good. - Go for it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Let's see Trump launching the fun-filled kiddies' event.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54This is the 139th Easter Egg Roll.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Think of it, 139.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01It began a long time ago, 1878,
0:15:01 > 0:15:07and we will be stronger and bigger and better as a nation
0:15:07 > 0:15:10than ever before. We're right on track.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13You see what's happening, and we are right on track.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15What? Can I...? Why did he...?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I mean, he's got this hand thing going on the whole time.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Has anybody who signs for the deaf interpreted
0:15:22 > 0:15:24what the hand's actually saying?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26The hand might be saying something,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"Don't listen to him, he's an idiot, listen to me."
0:15:29 > 0:15:32What's all this stuff that's going on, what's the matter with him?
0:15:32 > 0:15:33- What if it's, "Help"? - Help.- "I'm trapped."
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"I'm trapped inside his body.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"I'm a 20-year-old woman from Wisconsin."
0:15:40 > 0:15:44This takes something of a personal turn right now,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47because I have to ask you, what do I have in common
0:15:47 > 0:15:50with Donald Trump's adviser, Kellyanne Conway?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Aah...- Oh... Erm...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Shall I tell you?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58By sheer coincidence, if I dress as a woman...
0:15:58 > 0:15:59we look identical.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06APPLAUSE
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Now you're going to have to help us, which one is which?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- RICHARD:- You've got a touch of the Mary Berrys about you, as well.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I think that you should see a doctor.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19How are you finding the power of the costume
0:16:19 > 0:16:20and the make-up and everything?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Did it...? How did it change you? Did it change you?
0:16:23 > 0:16:24- Yes. I was different.- Mmm.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I was not fully a man any more.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33The one area in which I was most a man were the high heels.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Have you ever worn high heels?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Briefly.- What do you think?
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Meanwhile, South Korea's impeached President Park Geun-hye
0:16:44 > 0:16:48faces a criminal trial, and according to the Telegraph...
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Which, given the regional tensions, could be anything up to six months.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04But, in a nod to my role as Professor Charles Xavier,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06leader of the X-Men,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10I will be spinning the pictures with my mind.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Oooh!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I just need to enhance my powers a little.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23OK, we can begin.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Is this something you do in your free time?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Only in the bathroom.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I hope people are tuning in right at this moment.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37He's got a shower unit on his head.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Fingers on buzzers, teams, as I apply my mind.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
0:17:51 > 0:17:53BUZZER
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Well, I mean, I'm just judging it
0:17:54 > 0:17:56entirely on what I see on the photograph.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Is there a place called Failure that wants to change its name?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04This is the news that a Museum of Failure in Sweden
0:18:04 > 0:18:09has rather disappointingly been a moderate success,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12and moved to permanent premises.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15American failure enthusiast Dr Samuel West
0:18:15 > 0:18:19has assembled 50 failed products in his exhibition,
0:18:19 > 0:18:20to celebrate making mistakes.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24What might women find of interest at the Museum of Failure?
0:18:27 > 0:18:32It's BIC's controversial range of pens.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Oh, yes, yes.- For Her. CAMILLA:- The Lady BICs.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36One reviewer wrote...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Time for the Odd One Out Round.- Yay!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Your four are...
0:19:01 > 0:19:05BBC weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker,
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Sisyphus,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09participants of the reality show Eden,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13and Wheel of Fortune contestant Kevin Haas.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Eden, Eden... What do you know about Eden?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- RICHARD:- Eden - that's the story you always want to happen,
0:19:18 > 0:19:19unless you're on it.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21It's a TV show, and Channel 4 made it, and they said...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23They got a group of people, 20 people and said,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26"We're going to maroon you on a Scottish island for a year.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"We're going to film it, we're going to put it out,
0:19:28 > 0:19:29"and it will be the big new reality show".
0:19:29 > 0:19:31They put them on the island,
0:19:31 > 0:19:32and they put the first three episodes out,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and no-one watched them at all, so they cancelled the show,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37but they did think it would make a good documentary
0:19:37 > 0:19:41at the end of the year, so we'll leave them there...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42So they've been there for the whole year,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44they think they've been on TV all year,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46and they're about to get a nasty surprise.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51So, Tomasz Schafernaker, I think he recently said something,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53as is indicated by the hand over his mouth,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55he said something on air that he shouldn't have done.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Maybe he didn't know he was on air.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59The people from Eden, they think they're on television,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03but they're not. So that seems to be the sort of thread going forward...
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Patrick, is that the right kind of area?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Yes, you're in the right area.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Sisyphus, of course, famously always thought he was on television,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13and wasn't.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16And everyone was like, "Dude, it hasn't even been invented yet".
0:20:16 > 0:20:19And he was like, "I've got enough problems with this rock, you know?"
0:20:19 > 0:20:21He thought he was appearing on a reality show
0:20:21 > 0:20:23called One Man And His Rock.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's all about whether you think you've been on TV or not.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29They're all endlessly doing repetitive tasks for no reason.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32So, they have all failed to complete a task,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35apart from the participants of reality show Eden,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38who successfully lived for an entire year in the wilderness,
0:20:38 > 0:20:40only to discover when they emerged,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42the show had been axed seven months earlier.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45What was the idea behind the show, Eden?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Could people survive without appearing on TV?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51It was a social experiment
0:20:51 > 0:20:53to find out what happened when a group of people were cut off
0:20:53 > 0:20:57from civilisation and made to live in Scotland for a year.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00But also, they came out, and they didn't know about Brexit,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03they didn't know about Donald Trump, all that stuff...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Sounds like paradise, doesn't it? - Yes!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Are there any vacancies?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10In the US version of Wheel of Fortune,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Kevin Haas failed to complete the title
0:21:13 > 0:21:17of Tennessee Williams' play, A Streetcar Named Desire.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Let's see how many letters were still missing from the title.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Oh.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24- Oh, no!- Oh!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Just the one.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29He went for K, I think.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30He did go for K, yes!
0:21:32 > 0:21:34A Streetcar Naked Desire...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Look at the exhaust on that!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Well, Tomasz Schafernaker, BBC weatherman,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45failed to complete Radio 4's early morning shipping forecast
0:21:45 > 0:21:48after what he described as...
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- Oh.- And what others described as...
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Oh!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Tomasz Schafernaker threw up
0:21:59 > 0:22:05while announcing the shipping forecast on Radio 4.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Let's have a listen.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09...murchan Point, southerly or south...
0:22:09 > 0:22:12easterly four or five...
0:22:12 > 0:22:13GULPING
0:22:13 > 0:22:16..increasing six at times, fair, good.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Ardnamurchan Point to Cape Wrath,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22southerly or southerly four or five...
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Excuse me...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I do apologise.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33Tomasz Schafernaker there, feeling rough, very rough.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Humber rising rapidly, gale force, imminent, good.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41He also gave a gale warning,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44but Gail moved too slowly and got it all...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55which this week features as its guest publication,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58the Journal of the National Hamster Council.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Wow.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02When you've finished with it, just put it in a shoebox
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and bury it in the bottom of the garden.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07We start with...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Demands Tesco reimburse her
0:23:16 > 0:23:19after exploding apple crumble renders her sterile.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- You are so close to the truth. - Oh, really?!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26In fact...
0:23:26 > 0:23:27she demanded that Tesco...
0:23:33 > 0:23:37After the prune juice exploded violently in her kitchen,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40the gran has heard nothing from Tesco,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42but she's had one keen inquiry
0:23:42 > 0:23:45from the North Korean Missile Development Agency.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Next, what...
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Loch Ness Monster.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55- RICHARD:- Hope.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It WAS the Loch Ness Monster. If you believe this story,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10you really should take a long, hard look in the Mirror,
0:24:10 > 0:24:15as they're the only paper that bothered to cover it.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Next...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- CAMILLA:- The Labour Party.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30A lasting, caring relationship.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33The Dutch breeder failed to create...
0:24:38 > 0:24:39A Russian what?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41It must be a hamster, mustn't it?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Oh, yes, it is, a Russian dwarf hamster.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- RICHARD:- Russian or Syrian hamsters.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- Are they really?- They are.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49You can tell if you've got a Russian one
0:24:49 > 0:24:51because it annexes the rabbit hutch next door.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55APPLAUSE
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Next...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Take one French hamster...- French?!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I'm afraid the French one's been eaten by the Russian one.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Which one would you prefer?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- We'll go for fresh, shall we, fresh?- OK.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Recipe...
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Take one fresh hamster, team it up with another fresh hamster,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22and you've got yourself a hamster rap duo.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Yeah.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Recipe, take one fresh hamster, add a lifetime of care.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30That's nice.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34But for hamsters, that might be three weeks.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Next...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Zombies, flashers and hamsters... what?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Should have gone to Specsavers!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Zombies, flashers and hipsters... what?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- CAMILLA:- Unite for an amazing... For a dance-off.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02The Liberal Democrats have a home for you.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13And finally...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- RICHARD:- Is it voted worst boyband ever?- Yes.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24They've been discovered in a tomb.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26The dirty devils, what have they been doing?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Well, a tomb is rather a classy way of describing it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34They were found buried in a basement.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- CAMILLA:- When were they from, like, the '80s or something?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- I think they'd been put in there...- The '80s?!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Yeah, do you remember all those archbishops in the '80s?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45There were loads of them - we had one a year!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Wasn't there a competition in the Daily Telegraph -
0:26:48 > 0:26:51solve our crossword and become the Archbishop of Canterbury for a year?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I entered it every week!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55And the final scores...
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Ah, at last!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58We are there!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Three to Ian and Camilla.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Four to Paul and Richard.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:07 > 0:27:10And on which note,
0:27:10 > 0:27:13we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Camilla Long,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Paul Merton and Richard Osman,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18and I leave you with news that in the Vatican,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22after giving up on his attempts at achieving world peace,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26the Pope admits he now has too much spare time on his hands.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33At Michigan Airport, as the plane climbs above the central tower,
0:27:33 > 0:27:34United Airlines staff realise
0:27:34 > 0:27:38they've overbooked the flight by one.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44And as he takes a picture of the common butterfly,
0:27:44 > 0:27:48there's evidence that the Wildlife Photographer of the Year
0:27:48 > 0:27:50may be losing his touch.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57And on that, goodnight, and thank you!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE