0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40I'm Alexander Armstrong.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44In the news this week... After his team of Polish workmen is forced to
0:00:44 > 0:00:48leave the UK, Nigel Farage employs a British builder to continue
0:00:48 > 0:00:50the renovation of his second home.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00As his United Airlines' flight takes off without him,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04a doctor is further enraged when he sees who he had to give his seat up for.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:13And, after a £400 million dip in his personal fortune,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Sir Philip Green launches a new high-street venture to recoup his losses.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says one tip for when
0:01:31 > 0:01:33a joke falls flat is to pretend it wasn't a joke.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Which brings this straightforward paragraph to an end.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Please welcome Sara Pascoe.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42CHEERING
0:01:45 > 0:01:48And, with Paul tonight, a comedian whose first novel is about
0:01:48 > 0:01:51a national treasure who descends into disgrace and depravity.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Please welcome current national treasure, Andy Hamilton.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56CHEERING
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Ian and Sara, take a look at this.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- SARA:- That's a polite way to meet your Tinder date.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11This is a themed restaurant.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13They've thrown all the food around, so it costs a lot of money.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- And he's seen the bill. - And he's had a fit.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19This is Mrs May's dinner with President Juncker.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It all went horribly wrong.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26They argued. It went badly and then he leaked it all to a German newspaper and said
0:02:26 > 0:02:30it had been a disastrous meeting, she was in another galaxy.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- SLURRING:- And he's never liked her anyway.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Does it mean war?- Yes. That's what she said, wasn't it?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- Yeah, it's war now.- Yeah. - We're moving quickly, aren't we?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- we've declared war against the rest of Europe.- We're being threatened.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49You go into a negotiation in which Mr Juncker's position is,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"This cannot be a success".
0:02:51 > 0:02:53He's a difficult piece of work, Mr Juncker.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- You don't like him, do you? - I don't, really.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I mean, a lot of people tried to stop him becoming president.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Because he'd run Luxembourg,
0:03:00 > 0:03:04which is an enormous sort of tax haven and money laundering outfit...
0:03:05 > 0:03:08..which he ran for a number of years and did nothing
0:03:08 > 0:03:10about it. So he's not a great guy.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13What has been Theresa May's comeback been?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14She's gone quite nuclear.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Initially...- Let's fight everybody. - Yeah, initially she said,
0:03:17 > 0:03:18"Oh, it's just Brussels gossip.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"It's just tittle-tattle, I don't worry about that."
0:03:21 > 0:03:23But then she came out and sort of said,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25"Let's attack the Death Star..."
0:03:25 > 0:03:27- LAUGHTER - "..from 10 Downing Street."
0:03:27 > 0:03:30It's odd because that's a ruse
0:03:30 > 0:03:34that is usually used by politicians when the polls are close.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I don't know quite why she's doing it now.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Given that she's so far ahead in the polls at the moment.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I can't envisage any circumstances in which she could lose.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Unless something extraordinary happens.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Like, I don't know, photos emerge of her digging up
0:03:49 > 0:03:52the Queen Mother for a laugh or something.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Do you know what? Even then she would probably beat Corbyn anyway.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04So... We've got five weeks of this.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- Yeah.- And she's gone in...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08How many graves has she robbed in that time?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10We must be told.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I'm sure that we're going to get a lot of briefing that says,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17"Oh, Theresa May, you know, she was really tough with them,"
0:04:17 > 0:04:19there will be lots of leaks of people saying,
0:04:19 > 0:04:23"She pushed Barnier against the wall and said, 'You're a big man,
0:04:23 > 0:04:24"but you're out of condition.'"
0:04:25 > 0:04:29She waved the Queen Mother's hat in our face.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"There's plenty more where this comes from."
0:04:32 > 0:04:34What was President Hollande's
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- reaction to the tough stance by the EU?- President Hollande?
0:04:37 > 0:04:38He said...
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Sometimes you need a bit of help, though, don't you?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Who would have thought that saying, "Fuck you," to the rest of Europe
0:04:48 > 0:04:49would have such complications?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Mm.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Theresa May used to be known as The Submarine.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Do we know why that was?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58What do you mean, "She used to be known as The Submarine"?
0:04:58 > 0:04:59That was her nickname.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Where?- Was this at school?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Because you never saw her.- Stealth.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08She was never visible but underneath the surface, she was up to stuff.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09In the Thames?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:14What is she doing down there?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17She would only surface to make considered public statements.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19That's what submarines do.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21That is... Yeah.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22"I'm drowning," and then back down again.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Theresa May warned her EU adversaries
0:05:24 > 0:05:27that they would find out that she was...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Or as the French would say,
0:05:30 > 0:05:31a woman.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36What, once we have left the EU might we see once again
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- on our dinner tables? - Very little.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It is knobbly vegetables.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Knobbly ones? - Knobbly vegetables, like this!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Oh-ho! LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Can we just see the first one again? - Yes, the carrot.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58That was in that film, Arrival.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Oh, yeah! I thought you were talking about Michael Fassbender.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05But you mean Arrival. That's such a good film.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06It's a good film, isn't it?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Can I have a look at the tomato?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Because that's the only one that bothered to have pubic hair.- Yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13There we are.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Making an effort!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Weren't all those vegetables on That's Life 30 years ago?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- They used to have... - Two of them presented it.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Yes, this is the Downing Street dinner party,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26which turned nasty as soon as they started discussing Brexit.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29So, just like any other dinner party.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32According to the Times, the atmosphere at the dinner changed
0:06:32 > 0:06:33when Theresa May referred to...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Yeah, that's when I know my wife's had too much!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44During the dinner, Theresa May suggested
0:06:44 > 0:06:48that citizens' rights in Europe...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51The end of June?! You couldn't leave TalkTalk by the end of June!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54According to the Financial Times...
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Which is one Euro for every man, woman and child in the UK,
0:07:03 > 0:07:04according to Diane Abbott.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11OK, Paul and Andy take a look at this.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- ANDY:- Carry the four, divide by seven...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18This is for me, is it? She's getting in the car, that's nice.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21There's Tim. There's another battle bus, we've seen plenty of those.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- One of us isn't breathing! - LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:27So, yes, it's the party leaders have been
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- getting up to various bits and pieces, haven't they?- That's right.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- There's an election on.- They're all out to persuade people to vote.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- And Diane had a problem. - Oh, yes, she did.- Yeah.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- What's she gone and done?- Well, they had an idea they thought would work,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42which is having 10,000 more police. This is the Labour Party.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Normally that's what the Tories say.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46This time, Labour thought they'd try it, but unfortunately,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48they got Diane out.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Yes. SARA:- She got the numbers wrong, didn't she?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52She gave an amount which would mean they were paying
0:07:52 > 0:07:54£30 per year per policeman.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Yes.- Quite cheap coppers, not even those ones that are semi-coppers,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01that go round parks telling you to be quiet.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- "Is that dog wasting?" - LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Wasting?!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Where is this park, 1820?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15It's a real shame. Because you do want there to be an opposition.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Lots of people have been very badly affected by cuts in this country
0:08:18 > 0:08:21and you just want them to have their figures right.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- It's really disappointing. - She was asked 10,000 police,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26how much will that cost? She said £300,000.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29So that's £30 a year for a copper.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33So they said, "Is that right?" She said, "No. I didn't mean £300,000,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- "I meant 80 million." - LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Let's have a look.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41We believe it will be about £300,000.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- £300,000?- Sorry. - 10,000 police officers?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46What are you paying them?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48No, I mean... Sorry...
0:08:48 > 0:08:49How much will they cost?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53They will cost...
0:08:55 > 0:08:58They will... It will cost...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Er, about...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04About £80 million.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07The additional costs in year one,
0:09:07 > 0:09:14when we anticipate recruiting 250,000 policemen
0:09:14 > 0:09:16will be 64.3 million.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18250,000 policemen?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19And women.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26She hasn't grasped modern politics at all, Diane Abbott.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29No, I think it's mathematics she hasn't got!
0:09:29 > 0:09:33If you've got figures that are complete bollocks and you don't know
0:09:33 > 0:09:36what you're talking about, you don't trot them out on a radio show,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39you slap them on the side of a bus and you drive them around!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Let's move on to the Conservatives.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48How has Theresa May responded to criticism
0:09:48 > 0:09:51that she just robotically repeats the same lines...?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Oh, is this when she was repeating
0:09:53 > 0:09:55over and over again the "strong and stable" thing?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56- That, obviously, yes.- Yes.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59She's got a new mantra, though. Did you pick it up at the weekend?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Have a look, see if you can spot it here.- Yeah, go on.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I genuinely believe this is the most important election
0:10:04 > 0:10:06the country has faced in my lifetime.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Because this is, I think the most important election
0:10:09 > 0:10:12that this country has faced in my lifetime.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13How are you finding it so far?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Thank you very much, Ruth, and it's great to be with you here.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Thank you for everything you've done
0:10:17 > 0:10:19for Scottish Conservatives with your leadership.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21But it's great to be in Scotland, because
0:10:21 > 0:10:23as we look ahead to this general election,
0:10:23 > 0:10:24really, it is, I think,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27the most important election the UK has faced in my lifetime.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Of course she'd think that - she's running for Prime Minister!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:36She didn't care who won in 1964.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- It didn't bother her. - I knew I was coming on the show.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Did you?- So, on the weekend, I thought
0:10:42 > 0:10:46I will watch the Sunday politics-y shows.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And I stopped counting in the end
0:10:48 > 0:10:52because she began so many sentences with that construction,
0:10:52 > 0:10:53"I'm very clear."
0:10:53 > 0:10:55And it struck me that normally,
0:10:55 > 0:10:59if someone repeated themselves that incessantly,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02you would get them checked out for Alzheimer's.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Seriously, you would. I'm not a doctor.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- No.- Are you not?- Are you willing to give it a go?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Yeah, I'll give it a go.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Bit of British pluck! - I could have been.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12- You may well have to be. - I'm not saying
0:11:12 > 0:11:16the Prime Minister has dementia, but what I'm saying is,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19if she doesn't want people to start wondering about that,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21she should stop repeating herself.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23She is forgetting a lot of stuff.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27She's forgotten her original position on Brexit pretty quickly.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28I'm not saying she's got...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31But next week, if she's giving a press conference
0:11:31 > 0:11:33in her pyjamas, you heard it here first.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35I think there's a potential show in this -
0:11:35 > 0:11:37unqualified people giving medical, you know...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- Oh, I'm up for that.- Exactly.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You'll get your operation. You get your operation free
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- but it has to be carried out by...Joe Pasquale.- Yeah!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Does everyone want to see Theresa knocking on doors?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Not for me, no. - LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Oh, go on, then! If you've got it, if you've got it. Go on, then.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- No.- No, I don't think...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Oh, OK. We won't trouble you, then.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Oh, no!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- ANDY:- Without wishing to labour the dementia thing...
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- It is a touch.- ..she's wandering around the streets...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Trying to find out where she lives.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35"Do I live in here?" "No."
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And she has to have a young man with her
0:12:37 > 0:12:40to show her how to use a doorbell.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I rest my case.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Back to her interview on the Andrew Marr Show.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48What did Theresa May deny was down
0:12:48 > 0:12:50to the government's public sector pay freeze?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- ANDY:- Food banks, people going to the...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Oh, yes, the nurses, yes. - The nurses.- Using food banks.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Well, let's see her answer.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00There are many complex reasons why people go to food banks.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Yeah. Sometimes they don't like what's in Sainsbury's!- Yeah.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Could buy it, don't want to.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Fancied a laugh at the end of the night shift.- Yeah.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10So, onto the Lib Dems now. Onto the Lib Dems.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Who has Tim Farron been talking to?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14He ran into a man who disagreed with him.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16He did that. Before he did that, though,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20according to The Express, he'd been talking to Tony Blair
0:13:20 > 0:13:23about the possibility of forming a pro-European party.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Tony Blair! He's been really mean about Jeremy Corbyn.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Not mean, he doesn't like him,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- doesn't support him... - You mean sort of accurate?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31That's his party who he's supposed to be helping.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33It's like your ex-boyfriend turning up, being like,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"I don't like your new boyfriend."
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Erm, you left me in the middle of the night.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I woke up, Gordon Brown was there.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I don't want to listen to you!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43APPLAUSE
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Tim Farron was meeting members of the public in Kidlington.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51This is what happened when he met Malcolm Baker in Oxfordshire.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- You keep going on, all the time... - Loads of my mates voted...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- I voted Leave.- Yep.- And I'm proud to have voted Leave.- Yeah.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- MAN:- You're very aggressive. - And I knew what I was voting for.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- But are you...? Have you got grandchildren?- Yes, I've got...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Are you proud they will inherit a poorer, less secure country?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I'm proud that they'll be coming out of Britain...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Out of Europe... And that we will have our own destiny
0:14:11 > 0:14:15and not have people telling us we're going to pay £100 billion
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- to get out.- Do you not...?- And if that's your policies,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I hope you get beaten. I hope you only get six seats!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Well, thank you very much. Nice to talk to you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I have always voted Labour,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28but I will be voting for Theresa May!
0:14:28 > 0:14:29You fucking idiot!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Glad we have the voice of common sense there at the end.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41It's a very sad way to find out that Kidlington is leaving Britain.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Here's Jeremy Corbyn. - Jeremy Corbyn, yes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- What's going on here? - He is rather confused.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50He's discovered that Paul Nuttall has turned up to support him,
0:14:50 > 0:14:54- if you look behind him. - LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Here's Nicola Sturgeon. What do we think's going on here?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- ANDY:- She's having so much fun there.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01It's like, "Oh, look, I'm Harry Potter!"
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Here's Theresa May...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Oh, they've brushed out the cigarette!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Fag ash Lil.- Yeah.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14The full Dot Cotton look!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- SARA:- It's the walk of shame!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17She's not been to bed.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Been on the doorstep all night.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Just getting her tea and her chips.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"Why are you only taking pictures of me now?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It looks like she's trying to suck the chips up.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32There's been a lot of talk about tactical voting in this election.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Is that going to happen, do we think?- Well, there's a lot of
0:15:35 > 0:15:39traditional Labour people who aren't sure if they can actually do it.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I mean, presumably you, Andy,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I mean, it's a tough decision, isn't it?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I've voted tactically in the past sometimes.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Or to put that another way...
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Their fate will be in each other's hands
0:15:49 > 0:15:52as they decide whether to share
0:15:52 > 0:15:53or to shaft.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:58 > 0:16:01This is the official launch of the election campaign
0:16:01 > 0:16:03with a visit by Theresa May to the Queen.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Diane Abbott got in a tangle on LBC
0:16:06 > 0:16:08during an interview about funding police recruitment.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11To be fair, it wasn't her fault. She didn't have the figures to hand
0:16:11 > 0:16:13because one of advisers had left the fag packet
0:16:13 > 0:16:14back in the office.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17According to The Guardian...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22As has the Conservatives'.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for Labour,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Tony Blair has hinted at a comeback.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg dismissed the announcement...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Bit rich coming from the MP for 1879!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42The Ukip campaign was marred by a brawl
0:16:42 > 0:16:44between two women outside a pub in Hartlepool.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46According to one witness...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I'm guessing it's what we, the liberal elite,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53call "wine." LAUGHTER.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00And so it's a welcome return to the Wheel O' News.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Oh, there's only three things on it.- Here's the first spin.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09So who is this
0:17:09 > 0:17:10and why are they in the news? BUZZER
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- Yes, Ian?- Seagulls. Some local council somewhere... Is it Devon?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Devon. It is Devon.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18They've decided that they're going to fine anyone
0:17:18 > 0:17:20who's aiding and abetting gulls
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- by feeding them.- What, like fish?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27They're going to be in trouble.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30There's going to be a lot of fish in jail.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31How much is the fine going to be?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33£80 million.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- SARA LAUGHING - 300?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Ten?- No, it's...
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Hang on.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Erm, I have a question... - Jeremy, erm...?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I have a question. So you know that thing,
0:17:49 > 0:17:50and it's happened to everyone,
0:17:50 > 0:17:52when you've got your chips at the beach
0:17:52 > 0:17:54and the seagull comes in and takes them from you,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56is that still aiding and abetting?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Take, for example, Theresa May.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- Chips in one hand, drink on the other...- Yeah.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Gull comes in - head-butt. It's good.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- It's her only option! - APPLAUSE
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Her only option.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- In case anyone's wondering, the fine is £80.- 80.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18In other animal news, why did this cat get a visit from the police?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Wasting police time?- No-one thought that was a gun, right?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- That's not the story?- This was reposted on the Oregon
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- police department Facebook page... - No!- ..in the US this week.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31One member of the public claimed it showed
0:18:31 > 0:18:33a cat that was armed with a rifle.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38What confusion arose when a British man with no Chinese
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- took his dog to a Chinese barber this week?- Oh, no.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Well, here is Leigh Simmons' dog, Seren, before the visit.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Oh, no!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Leigh told the Sun...
0:18:56 > 0:18:57- ANDY:- Uh-oh.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- No!- Now, I can see what way some people are thinking,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04and I admit it would be hilarious, but...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- ..I suspect the dog survived, first of all.- The dog survived.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Yes, and he was just sort of nude. Apart from his head.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Let's have a look.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20That's not right!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22That's like a dog-chicken thing.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28He looks like he is wearing thermal underwear!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30You would be if everybody shaved your hair off.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- ANDY:- You look at the dog's expression.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- He's looking at his owner and he's thinking...- I trusted you.- Yeah.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37You wait till you fall asleep!
0:19:39 > 0:19:40This is the council in Devon which
0:19:40 > 0:19:42has banned the public from feeding seagulls.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45In 2015, David Cameron revealed a seagull swooped down
0:19:45 > 0:19:48and stole his ham sandwich. The Telegraph said this began...
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Well, voting to leave the EU seems to have got rid of him.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59The last spin on the Wheel O' News...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01BUZZER
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Prince Philip's retiring from public duties
0:20:06 > 0:20:08after 70-odd years of opening things
0:20:08 > 0:20:11and walking around and speaking to people.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Just cos he's 95.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13- 95.- What a slacker!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17How did the story break this morning?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19They had a pre-announcement, didn't they?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21They said, "We're going to do an announcement."
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Everyone thought it was this really huge announcement
0:20:23 > 0:20:25and then the announcement was Prince Philip is going to retire
0:20:25 > 0:20:28and people thought, is he still working? He's so old.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Who is making him do this, Iain Duncan Smith?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Let the poor boy rest!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Some people actually went so far as to report that he had died.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- They didn't!- Yes, well... It was reported in France
0:20:41 > 0:20:43and then later in The Sun.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Shall we see how they covered it in The Sun?- Yes.- Oh, wow.- They said...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:54That's the instruction from the features editor, isn't it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56And they just printed it!
0:20:56 > 0:20:57So what does this actually mean?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Well, he's stepping down from... - Stepping down.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Kind of keeping up all his engagements up until the autumn,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04so he's still headlining Glastonbury.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07So what will we hear no more?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- SARA:- Pre-war racism?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Well, his joke.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16You're going to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You're seeing the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24You are now going to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- Not a bad gag.- No, it's quite good.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I don't think any of us are in a position
0:21:33 > 0:21:35to criticise someone who recycles a gag.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I enjoyed his answer to a question in 1988.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44He was asked what he would like to be reincarnated as...
0:21:56 > 0:22:00This is Prince Philip standing down from all royal duties.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03He's Frankie Boyle, really, isn't he?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05That's what he wanted to be.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08According to the BBC, Prince Philip has...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15..and prompted 800 Royal aides hurriedly to say,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18"He didn't mean it, he's from a different generation."
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:22:20 > 0:22:26Blackbeard, Andy Hamilton, Conan the Barbarian and Ian Hislop.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27There you are.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Well, they've all got beards, except me.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Thank yo very much, two points!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39They are all barbarians, except me.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42How dare you?!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Have at you, sir!- SARA:- Just what a barbarian WOULD say.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Is it pirates?- Hmm...?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I'm a pirate in a children's cartoon.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50You are. Exactly, yes.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Do you remember what you're called? - I'm called...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Yes, of course I remember. I'm...
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I'm a proper artist!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- I'm Captain Squid.- You are, you're Captain Squid.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- Captain Squid?- I'm a captain and I'm a squid.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08It's actually quite an achievement for a squid to reach that rank.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11What's your Captain Squid voice? Your booming, pirate voice?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13It's very like this voice.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Let's have a look. We've got it. We've got it here.- Oh, no.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Captain Squid.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22Well, best be off. I've got some pirate stuff to get on with.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I'm not a real pirate, in case that's confusing.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29This is about having a parrot. I had a parrot when I was young.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Ian's the odd one out. He's not a pirate.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Yes, you're right. Ian has never been a pirate,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36but like many legendary pirates, he did once own a parrot.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38What was your parrot called?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Erm... We were a very imaginative family. It was called Polly.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44It was a grey, African parrot.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Did you teach it all your catchphrases?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49PAUL LAUGHS
0:23:49 > 0:23:54- And those would be, Alexander? - I don't know. Catch-looks, maybe.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:58 > 0:24:00That's Ian's catch-look!
0:24:05 > 0:24:09We had this parrot in Nigeria where we were living when I was very young
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and was a lovely parrot and it did a certain amount
0:24:12 > 0:24:16of talking...in English.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- POSH VOICE:- I'm too good for this place!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I really shouldn't be here.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24What do we know about Blackbeard?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- He used to set fire to himself, didn't he?- He did, exactly right.
0:24:26 > 0:24:33- He used to put fireworks in his beard.- Yes, exactly. He would...
0:24:33 > 0:24:35And here he is. We've got a picture of him there.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- SARA:- He runs a coffee shop now in Shoreditch.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39LAUGHTER
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I've seen him. It's vaping.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43That's still happening.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Blackbeard was an infamous 18th-century pirate
0:24:45 > 0:24:48in the Caribbean, known for his drunkenness and violent reputation.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51In fact, Johnny Depp used him as an inspiration for the character
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Johnny Depp in real life.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Who's that playing Conan the Barbarian?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- ANDY:- Arnold Schwarzenegger. - Yes, that's right.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00One recent review of Conan the Barbarian read simply,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04"Terrible film, terrible actor, terrible apprentice ratings, sad,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07"exclamation mark."
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Yes, they are all pirates,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10apart from Ian, although he did once own a parrot.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I was a pirate, actually.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER
0:25:18 > 0:25:21After Nigeria, we moved to Somalia.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26That film, Captain Phillips? It's based on me.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30It's a busy life, being Ian Hislop's parrot.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32After repeating everything Ian says, the parrot
0:25:32 > 0:25:34is currently fighting 19 different libel actions.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It's time now for the Missing Words round,
0:25:40 > 0:25:45which this week features as its guest publication...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48It comes out once a month, without any signals or warning.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49And to start with...
0:25:53 > 0:25:58- SARA:- Struggle, because I can't reach the keyboard like this.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- ANDY:- Writing The LaidBack Cyclist seems an awful waste of a life?
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Oh! And you've just told them it's a waste of a life!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Apparently the readership of the magazine dropped last year but...
0:26:20 > 0:26:24My God, who knew David Bowie and Prince were both subscribers?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Next...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- ANDY:- Older.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Dried out.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36In a specialist clinic.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Pro-Corbyn.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45That's certainly true!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48This is a list of 24 endangered baby names.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49According to the Sun...
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Not surprising. That's not how you spell Monica.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:26:59And finally...
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Convicted.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Solves crime? - ANDY:- Solves murder.- Yeah.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12A hairdresser accused of driving without a seat belt
0:27:12 > 0:27:14has successfully defended herself in court
0:27:14 > 0:27:16after watching episodes of Miss Marple.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19She used Agatha Christie's TV series to prove that she couldn't possibly
0:27:19 > 0:27:21have not been wearing her seat belt in Colchester
0:27:21 > 0:27:24on the day in question, as at the time she was, in fact,
0:27:24 > 0:27:28murdering someone on the Orient Express.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29So the final scores are...
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Ian and Sara on 5.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Paul and Andy on 7.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35- APPLAUSE - Outrageous!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37We lose again.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41And I leave you with news that
0:27:41 > 0:27:44in Edinburgh, as the Conservatives campaign
0:27:44 > 0:27:46to win back some seats in Scotland,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48there's a hostile reception for Theresa May.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55At a packed press conference in Paris,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Francois Hollande is finally forced to admit
0:27:58 > 0:27:59he has a body odour problem.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08And as a result of his decision to withdraw from public engagements,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Prince Philip will now have more time to spend with his family.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Goodnight.