0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm David Harewood.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In the news this week, running late before a rally on the environment,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Green Party leader Caroline Lucas rushes through the morning chores.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00In London, Simon Cowell's butler admits he's getting a bit fed up
0:01:00 > 0:01:02with having to deal with his boss' cats.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04BELL RINGS
0:01:04 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And after losing his job, Kelvin MacKenzie's week
0:01:18 > 0:01:21goes from bad to worse as he regrets leaving his tin of toffees
0:01:21 > 0:01:23out in the sun for too long.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Argh, jeez!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:34On Ian's team tonight, a writer and comedian
0:01:34 > 0:01:38who's won both Celebrity Pointless and Celebrity Mastermind.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So obviously, he's very clever, for a celebrity.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Please welcome Josh Widdecombe.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster
0:01:53 > 0:01:56who started out on BBC Scotland.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57And the way things are going,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00she'll soon be back there as the BBC's foreign correspondent.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Please welcome Kirsty Wark.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Ian and Josh, take a look at this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Bananas.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19That's Tim Farron on the Krypton Factor.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21That's the BBC's top political interviewers, there.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And the reintroduction of grammar schools.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31That last one, is it that they're remaking Big, starring Theresa May?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:35It's going to be a great film, I can't wait for it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36It's the election, presumably?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38This is the news that
0:02:38 > 0:02:41fearing Kirsty would give her too easy a ride on Newsnight,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Theresa May subjected herself to The One Show.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Which member of Theresa's team was trusted to appear alongside her?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49It was her husband, Philip.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51It was obviously a tough interview.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53They went straight in with, "Do you like shoes?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Yes, Alex and Matt, the grand inquistadores.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Did she? - Yes, she did like shoes,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06as long as they were strong and stable.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Yes, the questions included how did they meet,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17does he like jackets or jumpers
0:03:17 > 0:03:19and, "Who takes the bins out?"
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- It was him.- That's right.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Philip takes the bins out. - But I've never seen it
0:03:24 > 0:03:27because they've always got that kind of shot of Number Ten.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28You've never seen him just...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:36All those first drafts of her speeches...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I wouldn't give him the job of putting the bins out.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It looks like the bins have put him out.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- LAUGHTER - Poor devil.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44But I don't understand,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47you've got the Prime Minister on and the basis of the BBC line is,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"We won't ask about politics...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53"..cos that would be unfair!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:54That's the Prime Minister!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56So what happens when Jeremy Corbyn comes on?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57He may like that.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02But, his partner's not going to go on with him.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05No, they can't do a cosy Mr and Mrs, because Mrs won't come on.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07So Diane Abbott will go on.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:12She'll have a problem with the figures, won't she?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Is it The One Show, The Five Show?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Did you like the answer, Kirsty,
0:04:19 > 0:04:24that in life there are boy's jobs and girl's jobs?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26That was a focus group job, wasn't it?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29They've definitely done that for that audience, absolutely.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30He takes the bins out, she...
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- irons?- I thought it was girls' jobs are being the Prime Minister...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Boy's jobs - being in the City, making money.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Strong and stable. - Strong and stable, yes.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Tie. No, he didn't wear a tie. - He didn't wear a tie.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Didn't wear a tie, extraordinary behaviour.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Did you hear Theresa's uplifting story
0:04:51 > 0:04:54about how she inspired a young woman to go into politics?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Yes, I did. - Did you? Was it inspiring?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59It was. The young woman was inspired
0:04:59 > 0:05:01by Theresa's shoes to go into politics.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05She said, "The only reason I went into politics is your shoes."
0:05:05 > 0:05:06And that woman was Marine Le Pen.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER
0:05:14 > 0:05:16In fact, we can have a look at that clip right now.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Just to tell you a little story,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20this happened about, I suppose, four or five years ago.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I was in the lift in the House of Commons,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and there was a young woman in the lift
0:05:24 > 0:05:26and I happened to look down and I said, "Oh, nice pair of shoes."
0:05:26 > 0:05:28And she said, "Oh, I like your shoes."
0:05:28 > 0:05:30And then she looked at me and said,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"Your shoes got me involved in politics."
0:05:32 > 0:05:34And now... You know?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- It's as easy as that! - It's as easy as that.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41What has Channel 4 News' Michael Crick
0:05:41 > 0:05:43alleged about Theresa May's campaign?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46It says a Conservative press officer has been refusing to allow questions
0:05:46 > 0:05:50to Theresa May, unless they have prior approval to speak.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51And this is in the Cabinet.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:58You're not suggesting the questions in Mrs May's meetings are planted?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I'm not suggesting that at all.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Who is then?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Kirsty, have you been allowed to ask Mrs May a question?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09She keeps asking to come on, but we're being picky.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Other media outlets have said that they have had no such problems,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22but Theresa May was heard to accuse someone at a recent factory visit...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28They said, "No, this is a Biro factory."
0:06:28 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:35You know, she's got a touch of the Trumps, touch of the Erdogans...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40..all kicking in.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43No, I think she's forgotten this is an election for Prime Minister,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45not life president and dictator.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49At least Jeremy Corbyn is prepared to meet people in the street.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Did you see what happened in Leicester the other day?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- No.- Let's have a look.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Your hair?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Yes, that's better.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Keep still.- That one.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Do you know what? If he takes him on The One Show, that will be amazing.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Yes!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Is he curing the sick? - LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:15And another man said this to him...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:29"We met in the gents toilets."
0:07:29 > 0:07:30He said, "I like your shoes."
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Kirsty, who leaked the Labour Party manifesto to the BBC?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Was it you?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- LAUGHTER - You see, there are people that say
0:07:40 > 0:07:42that actually it was a kind of stunt,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46because it would mean that it would come out and get a bit more play
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and then Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't have to launch it next week,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52the attention wouldn't all be on Jeremy Corbyn
0:07:52 > 0:07:53because it would be out there.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I think they had to leak the Labour pledges early
0:07:56 > 0:07:59in case the Tories just stole all of them.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I mean they've done that with electricity,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04they might have done a lot really.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05But would they actually say
0:08:05 > 0:08:09- they would only use a nuclear deterrent with caution?- Yeah.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- That was an extraordinary one. - Is that unreasonable?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- JOSH:- It should have said, cos it was a draft, if it just said,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"We're going to be gung ho with nuclear deterrents."
0:08:19 > 0:08:22And then a little note by it, "Change this later."
0:08:22 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:27After the Labour Party's manifesto was leaked on Wednesday,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31many commentators agree it's a great shame to see all this Labour Party
0:08:31 > 0:08:33infighting during the election.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I mean, come on, guys, it's your last one ever.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Would you like to see Diane Abbott
0:08:40 > 0:08:42explaining the number of seats lost by Labour
0:08:42 > 0:08:45at last week's local elections?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Do you know the number of net losses so far for Labour?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54At the time of us doing this interview,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I think the net losses were about 50.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02There are actually 125 net losses so far.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Well, the last time I looked
0:09:07 > 0:09:11we had net losses of...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14100. But obviously...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Sounds a bit like a doctor checking for concussion.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Should ask her who the Prime Minister is.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Did you see how Ed Miliband this week proved what an uphill struggle
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- it is for Labour to keep the traditional working-class vote?- No.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- No.- He was actually in Doncaster
0:09:35 > 0:09:39where he met an MP and tried to chat to a few locals who were unimpressed
0:09:39 > 0:09:41and told the Sunday Times...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:49This is obviously the election campaign and the fierce grilling
0:09:49 > 0:09:51of Mr and Mrs May on The One Show,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54so-called because it's the one show Theresa May's prepared to go on.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Mr and Mrs May met at university and have been together ever since.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02But, as we know, even though she's remained with him all this time,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Theresa could change her mind and leave at any minute.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:07 > 0:10:09According to the Daily Mail...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Corbyn doesn't want that.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16He'd have to sleep with Diane Abbott all over again.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Also this week, Amber Rudd told reporters that
0:10:23 > 0:10:28being Home Secretary was a bit like the TV series Homeland, saying...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Hang on a minute, six series?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37They told me they stopped making it after they blew me up in series two.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:41Bastards!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Can't trust anybody. - Paul and Kirsty, here's one for you.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Yes. Avocado...
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Avocado-gate. - Avocado-gate, is it?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54SIREN BLARES, LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Thanks for putting the sound on, I would have been confused
0:10:57 > 0:10:58as to what that vehicle was doing!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Yes, it seems to be avocados are causing damage amongst people
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- in Great Britain, is that right? - Yeah, there's been a lot of hands...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- It's soft, it's soft, what's that? - Hand problems, hand surgery.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Really?!- Yes, lots of it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12You'll never carve another avocado again.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Those must be grim words to hear on a Friday night.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19At last we've got a proper liberal, metropolitan story.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24That guy from Doncaster's turned off, hasn't he?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Exactly! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Well, poofs talking about fruit.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I bet someone's just turned on at that moment.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Apparently the injuries are greater at the weekends.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42In Glasgow, on Saturday night when you go to A&E...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Oh, yes, avocado, yeah.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"You'll have to get this one out, Doctor."
0:11:47 > 0:11:48LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:11:52 > 0:11:56"That's the last time I talk about football, I tell you that much."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59This is the shocking rise in avocado-related injuries.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London...
0:12:03 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- This is shocking!- Chelsea, yeah.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's a shocking rise.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- Shocking!- At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London,
0:12:10 > 0:12:15surgeon Mr Eccles said he now treats about four patients a week.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Though, disappointingly, he's never encountered an injury
0:12:18 > 0:12:20from a cake filled with currants.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21LAUGHTER
0:12:21 > 0:12:24So what's the name given by A&E surgeons,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- to this avocado-related injury? - Idiocy.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I think I know. It's avocado hand.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Very, very good - point there.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Avocado hand -
0:12:34 > 0:12:36where amateur cooks have slashed their hand
0:12:36 > 0:12:38trying to cut into the fruit and remove the stone.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It's like stigmata.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I think the Irish police will be round for you.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Walking round Glasgow on a Saturday night going, "Stigmata!"
0:12:51 > 0:12:55They didn't get Stephen Fry, they'll get you.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Who can give us the definitive technique for safely de-stoning?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Get somebody else to do it. - LAUGHTER
0:13:04 > 0:13:05It's very simple,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07you cut the avocado...
0:13:07 > 0:13:08- KIRSTY:- Yep.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Yep, how do you get the stone out?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12- JOSH:- Hoover.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Guppy fish.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17- JOSH:- Guppy fish!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19What does cafe owner Catherine Scott
0:13:19 > 0:13:21think avocados should be accompanied by?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- A health warning.- Yes.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Small children mustn't try this, you must be 18 to cut an avocado.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- JOSH:- Like on cigarettes, pictures of avocado injuries.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- KIRSTY:- Avocado hand.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Four out of five avocado eaters can't grip a joystick.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- JOSH:- Why are you doing that?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- You can't take Glasgow out of the girl...- Finger loss.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Avocados should come with a health warning, that's right.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Catherine cut herself whilst slicing and avocado and said
0:13:53 > 0:13:55she got no sympathy from her family.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- They're from Doncaster.- They just...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:04 > 0:14:07But they soon stopped when she bashed them over the head
0:14:07 > 0:14:08with her Brabantia pedal bin.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:12This of course is the dreadful news that more and more
0:14:12 > 0:14:15middle-class people are injuring themselves preparing food,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17especially avocados,
0:14:17 > 0:14:18and that's just for starters.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:27 > 0:14:31And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit Of News.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Fingers on buzzers, please,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36and here is the first one.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41BUZZER
0:14:41 > 0:14:42- Trump.- He's excelled himself,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44he's shocked even America,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47by sacking a man who's investigating him.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48- KIRSTY:- Mr Comey's in trouble.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50But he only knew he was in trouble
0:14:50 > 0:14:53because he was actually attending an FBI staff meeting,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56and something came on the television behind
0:14:56 > 0:14:59that he'd been sacked. And he said, "That's such a joke, you guys."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- JOSH:- He thought he was being pranked?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- KIRSTY:- Yes, FBI director thought he was being pranked.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Perhaps he should have just maintained that line.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- Yeah.- And then Trump said, "No, no, you're fired." "Oh!"
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Quite shocking, isn't it?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14It's doubly shocking because he's replaced him with Melania Trump.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:18No, she'd lock him up!
0:15:18 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I have no evidence for that!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29What was the official reason for the shock dismissal of James Comey?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Because he's bad at his job.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"He's so bad at his job that I am still the President."
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"He's failed to catch me! How bad is he?"
0:15:41 > 0:15:43What has Donald Trump written in his letter to James Comey?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- What did he write?- Is that where he said, "You're terminated"?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- That's right.- It's like being on The Apprentice, isn't it?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- He just said, "You're fired." - Yeah. He said, "You're terminated."
0:15:51 > 0:15:52He was mixing up his programmes.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- JOSH:- And then James Comey got a wheelie suitcase
0:15:55 > 0:15:56and had to walk out.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:16:02Had to sit in a taxi, and go, "I thought I did well, actually!"
0:16:02 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:08And let's just remind ourselves of the President's signature.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Absolutely nothing unhinged in that.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16If that was on a life-support machine
0:16:16 > 0:16:18you'd be in trouble, wouldn't you?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:20 > 0:16:24How did the White House press Secretary Sean Spicer try to avoid
0:16:24 > 0:16:26reporters' questions?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Hid in the bushes while he talked to some members of the press.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Oh, you're kidding.- No, it's true.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33They are completely nuts.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Sean Spicer actually hid in some bushes in the White House garden
0:16:38 > 0:16:40and only agreed to answer questions
0:16:40 > 0:16:42if the cameramen turned out their lights.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Are they doing Halloween 4?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48This is true!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51This is actual truth. After carrying this story, the Washington Post then
0:16:51 > 0:16:53published this correction.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Trying to make out he was talking to two Bushes,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17ex-President Bush and the other President Bush.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- That he doesn't have one. - That's right.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26- He doesn't do any.- No.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28He believes that in order to live longer
0:17:28 > 0:17:31we should not do any exercise.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32This is good news.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Apparently there's been some more shock news on the jobs front.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Anyone know who's resigned this week?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Marlene McGregory from Glasgow,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50who's quit her job as a cleaner with this resignation letter.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Dear Mr MacGillivray.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55"Notice of termination of employment.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57"The job's crap and I'm leaving.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"I'll no' be back after June 30th.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03"Cannae wait. Good luck in getting some other mug to clean your place.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05"Cheerio, Marlene."
0:18:05 > 0:18:07APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:11That was my off-the-cuff Scottish accent.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I didn't think this show would end up with me accusing you of racism.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Now, this, of course, is the controversial sacking
0:18:22 > 0:18:23of FBI chief James Comey.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27The decision to sack Mr Comey came from the very top,
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Vladimir Putin.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38BUZZER
0:18:38 > 0:18:39I don't know what this is,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41but that's what they used to call a hobbyhorse, isn't it,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44so this must be some sort of hobbyhorse racing?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- That's right.- Is it?- Yes.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49This is the news that hobbyhorsing is the latest craze
0:18:49 > 0:18:50to hit the Finnish teens.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Shall we have a look at a bit of hobbyhorsing?
0:18:53 > 0:18:54- Yes, absolutely.- Let's do it.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Now if a sport ever needed to be drug tested, it's that one.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Very bleak footage where one of them falls
0:19:15 > 0:19:18and they have to put a curtain around the hobbyhorse.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Are there no horses in Finland?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23No! It's actually estimated that
0:19:23 > 0:19:27there are more than 10,000 people hobbyhorsing in Finland
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- and 200 people... - Who's estimated that, Diane Abbott?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:37200 people competed in the national championships recently.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Let's have a quick game of Don't Be An Idiom.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43What is the origin of the hobbyhorse?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I think it's before we had horses, wasn't it?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Because you wouldn't bother with that
0:19:48 > 0:19:49if there was a real horse over there!
0:19:49 > 0:19:53You wouldn't bother with a stick and stick his head on it, would you?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54That would be perverse.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57In the 1400s, it was a small horse,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01then it became a horse costume worn by Morris dancers.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- KIRSTY:- Bloody Morris dancers! - Let's have a look.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05There he is.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Does my arse look big in this?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11This is the latest craze to hit Finland.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13It's such an obsession with Finnish girls
0:20:13 > 0:20:16that they are out on their hobbyhorses from dawn till dusk.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19That's a whole hour. LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:25According to an enthusiast, hobbyhorsing has a feminist agenda,
0:20:25 > 0:20:26especially if during a race
0:20:26 > 0:20:29one of the other girls throws herself in front of your horse.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Now it's time for the Odd One Out round.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Li Liangwei, Reza Parastesh, Charlie Chaplin and Christopher Hayward.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40BUZZER
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Right, it's got to be lookalikes, I know that,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44because the guy in the top left
0:20:44 > 0:20:47is China's premier Donald Trump impersonator.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50It makes you wonder, the people that turn up if he can't do the gig.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54That's obviously Jeremy Corbyn.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I'm assuming it's a lookalike of Jeremy Corbyn down there.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Charlie Chaplin, he had lookalikes cashing in on his fame
0:21:00 > 0:21:03while he was making films, is it about lookalikes?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Which is the odd one out?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06It's Charlie Chaplin,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08cos he's not a lookalike of himself.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10That's absolutely right.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13They are all successful lookalikes apart from Charlie Chaplin,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15who, despite inspiring countless lookalikes,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17was originally told to change his trademark look
0:21:17 > 0:21:19as it would never be a success.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Yeah. He was told to get rid of his moustache...
0:21:21 > 0:21:22- Who by?- Hitler.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27In a newly discovered letter
0:21:27 > 0:21:31written by bosses of the film studio Universal in 1912,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33it suggested that Charlie Chaplin
0:21:33 > 0:21:34should lose his name and his moustache
0:21:34 > 0:21:36and change his hat to a beret.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40He didn't invent the costume until 1913,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42so how was the letter written in 1912?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Well, maybe they were just looking at his act.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Yeah, yeah, yes, I'll let it go.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Being a lookalike can be a dangerous business,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57as Iranian student Reza Parastesh found out this week.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Who is Reza the absolute spitting image of?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01He's Lionel Messi.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Yes, that's the one.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05It's Barcelona star football player Lionel Messi.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- It's uncanny.- Unbelievable, that.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08- KIRSTY:- Amazing.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- JOSH:- That's... That's just Lionel Messi!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15He's going, "Do you know what, I bet I could make an extra £100
0:22:15 > 0:22:16"as a lookalike of myself."
0:22:16 > 0:22:18He looks so much like Messi,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21he causes traffic chaos in his home city of Iran.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Reza's father takes his son's similarities to Messi to heart.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Anyone know what his father did when Messi scored a winning goal
0:22:27 > 0:22:29against Iran in the 2014 World Cup?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Threw him out of the house or something like that?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Exactly right. He banned him from the house.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Having joined a lookalike agency, Reza Parastesh,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49the Iranian Lionel Messi, is now getting a lot of bookings.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51In fact, last week he was sent off.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Now, Li Liangwei is China's only Donald Trump impersonator.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58So is he making a living from this?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Apparently. Now what criticism of his impersonation
0:23:00 > 0:23:02does Li Liangwei agree with?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04He doesn't look like him.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05He doesn't sound like him.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07He makes no attempt to appear like him?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11He doesn't even know who Donald Trump is?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15He admits that he looks absolutely nothing like Donald Trump.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18But what is the one aspect of Trump that Li thinks he's got down to a T?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Hand gestures?
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Exactly. Trump's thumbs up gesture,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26which his agent says is spot-on.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Let's compare the two.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Now there isn't a single thing about him that looks like
0:23:35 > 0:23:37the President of the United States, is there?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40But unbelievably, that's what Donald Trump is.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Anyone want to see a Chinese pheasant
0:23:45 > 0:23:47that looks more like Donald Trump
0:23:47 > 0:23:49than the Chinese Donald Trump lookalike?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- Yes, please.- Um, yeah. - Well, here it is.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57APPLAUSE
0:23:58 > 0:24:01What links North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un
0:24:01 > 0:24:04and an unobservant mum in Derby?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05A refusal to watch ITV.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Jake tweeted this.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Here it is.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:23- JOSH:- That is amazing.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24That is hilarious.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Now it's time for the Missing Words round,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30which this week features as its guest publication Up Yer Kilt.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Do you know this?
0:24:34 > 0:24:35- I subscribe.- Do you?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38- JOSH:- Page Three is harrowing.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Which is a Scottish metal detecting magazine.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49What are you going to find up there?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54That's why you need a special detector.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57And we start with,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Pope Francis to what for the first time in Vatican history?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Is it marry a supermodel?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- JOSH:- Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:16The answer is - "Pope Francis to appear in a feature film."
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Oh!!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20The Pope has appeared in a new film
0:25:20 > 0:25:23which will premiere at the Cannes Film Festival next week.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24The Pontiff's acting was praised
0:25:24 > 0:25:28but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying
0:25:28 > 0:25:31"Let there be lights, camera, action."
0:25:31 > 0:25:36Next, the worst thing about metal detecting is what?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38The hours, the loneliness...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40The fact that you don't trust anybody...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Do they love you or just your collection of metal?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44The actual answer is -
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"The worst thing about metal detecting is the rivalry
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- "between different groups." ALL:- Yes!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53It's a real shame, every time they bury their differences,
0:25:53 > 0:25:54some idiot digs them up again.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Next, attention-seeking gorilla wows crowds at zoo by performing what?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- JOSH:- Oh, it's the drum solo from the Dairy Milk advert.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- I was amazed at that.- Yeah.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Actually, it's ballet routines.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Here's a picture of the animal
0:26:12 > 0:26:13mid-performance in the Devonshire zoo.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- JOSH:- Oh, wow.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Sadly this piece didn't actually feature in the Sun newspaper,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20as they'd just sacked their gorilla expert.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:26And finally, what dragged mercilessly offstage
0:26:26 > 0:26:28for what mid-performance?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- JOSH:- "FBI chief dragged mercilessly offstage for doing his job
0:26:32 > 0:26:33"mid-performance."
0:26:33 > 0:26:37"Attention-seeking gorilla dragged mercilessly offstage
0:26:37 > 0:26:40"for forgetting the words to Give Me A Man At Midnight mid-performance."
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- I'd like to see that.- So would I, have you got a clip for it?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Where do we look?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49It's actually - "Dancing Pikachu dragged mercilessly
0:26:49 > 0:26:52"offstage for deflating mid-performance."
0:26:53 > 0:26:57At the Pokemon World Festival, one Pikachu's costume started to deflate
0:26:57 > 0:27:00midway through the big dance performance. Let's have a look.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Brilliant.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28So the final scores are Paul and Kirsty with nine points,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30and Ian and Josh with five points.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I'm very sorry!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Ian Hislop and Josh Widdecombe, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark -
0:27:45 > 0:27:48and I leave you with news that Buckingham Palace denies reports
0:27:48 > 0:27:51that Prince Philip's decision to retire from royal duties
0:27:51 > 0:27:53may have been due to his failing eyesight.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01As tensions rise on the border of North and South Korea,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Kim's troops line up every weapon available.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And as the number of avocado-related accidents increase,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12there's also evidence of the terrible injuries
0:28:12 > 0:28:15that can be inflicted when slicing a red pepper.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Goodnight.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE