0:00:34 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Frankie Boyle. In the news this week, in central London,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46BBC arts editor Will Gompertz struggles with
0:00:46 > 0:00:49the weight of his massive frontal lobe.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00In Durham, Mike Ashley regrets getting a zero-hours worker
0:01:00 > 0:01:02from Sports Direct to set up his water slide.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And, having been home for almost a year, there are signs that
0:01:13 > 0:01:17astronaut Tim Peake is still struggling to adapt to normal life.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight is an actress and comedian
0:01:25 > 0:01:28who performs in a Radio Wales sketch show,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Die Laughing...is the name of the producer.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Please welcome Cariad Lloyd.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And with Paul tonight is Gyles Brandreth,
0:01:42 > 0:01:43a friend of Prince Philip.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Philip says the friendship has helped him to welcome old age,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50as he's looking forward to forgetting who Gyles is.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Ian and Cariad, take a look at this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Tim Farron, the manifesto.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Theresa May, another manifesto.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Corbyn, that's dead.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12That's the last Labour voter he's talking to.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Everyone's released their manifestos.- It's manifestos week -
0:02:16 > 0:02:19like Fashion Week but less interesting.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20At least the manifestos have come out,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23cos they were dripping out one boring policy a day.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Like a kind of diabetic advent calendar.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31You see things in such positive terms.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33That is one of my more positive jokes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Theresa May, with that fake photo they had, the bus,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40a huge crowd of people, there was actually about 30 people,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42outside the bus that was used on the Remain campaign -
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- it's got the same number plate. Did you know that?- Well, excellent.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Recycling!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50She's got the Ukip vote, she's got the Labour vote,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52she's got the Green vote, now!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- I'll give her that. - Do manifestos have much point?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00British people generally vote for leaders, don't they?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02At the moment, they're going,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"Who would lead us if we are all stranded on a desert island?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and they know that Theresa May
0:03:06 > 0:03:09would have us eating the wounded by nightfall.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11And Corbyn would be hosting a two-hour meeting
0:03:11 > 0:03:14about whether coconuts have feelings.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Isn't the argument a lot of Theresa May's policies
0:03:18 > 0:03:19are Ed Miliband's old policies?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Theresa Miliband.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Who is this appalling Marxist?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Chairman May.- Chairman May!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30I've stood in two elections.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Really, Gyles...?
0:03:33 > 0:03:38I have to tell you, I've not met a member of the voting public who has
0:03:38 > 0:03:40ever read a manifesto.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I certainly didn't trouble myself.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Feeling that the broad-brush approach is what we need,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50and I think that's really, if I were Theresa May,
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I would not have bothered with this.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54She's got a very good "strong and stable government", lovely line,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56nobody out there ever reads the manifesto.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Gyles, you went round a few doors, knocked on them, and, quite rightly,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02the people pretended not to be in.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Including, sadly, your own house.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08I would put it to you, Gyles,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11saying "strong and stable" over and over again
0:04:11 > 0:04:14isn't a strong and stable thing to do.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17So, you know...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I'm sure you watched the build-up to the Anthony Joshua-Klitschko fight.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Watched it? I lived it!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29He was in one of the supporting bouts.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32They were incredibly eloquent in the build-up to that fight.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35It wasn't like a normal fight, they didn't trash talk each other,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37they were both very articulate guys.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41That's a better quality of debate than we've had in the election.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45This is why, really, a manifesto is not necessary,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47because the odds seem to be in Mrs May's favour.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50She also has that lovely husband. So they're a marvellous double act.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51She has a lovely husband?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53So why does she keep bringing out this one, then?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Why is she doing so well, May?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Have you seen the opposition, Frankie?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I don't think anybody has.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Theresa May looks like if the colour grey didn't care
0:05:06 > 0:05:08if you lived or died.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14APPLAUSE
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Again, I think she's trying to extend her appeal beyond...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19you.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24There was bad news and good news for the elderly needing care
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- in their own home.- Oh, yeah. - What was it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- CARIAD:- The value of your house will now be taken into account.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- GYLES:- The essence of it is social care will be paid somehow,
0:05:33 > 0:05:38and it's going to be paid for by your house, in the long term.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41You and your partner can live in the house while you're alive,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43but the moment you are dead, out, out!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And let's sell the house and bring the money in,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48that's the essence of it.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Is it another of those policies that presumably are going to really worry
0:05:51 > 0:05:54some of the papers who like to support Mrs May,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56it's an attack on old, rich people.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Sensible candidates spend a lot of time in the old-folks home,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02because there the people are, waiting to meet you,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05lined up against the wall, gazing in the same direction...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:11And you come with a local photographer, you come after lunch,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13they're dozing fitfully,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15you position yourself halfway down the line.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19When the photographer is ready, you go... They wake up, eyes open.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Photograph is taken. There you are, you've visited the old people.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Broad brush. Strong and stable government.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Fingers on buzzers.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Let's see if you can tell me what revealing answers Theresa May
0:06:32 > 0:06:34gave to a series of quickfire questions
0:06:34 > 0:06:35put to her by the Sunday Times.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Question was Sherlock or Midsomer Murders?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- BELL - She likes both.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42"I've watched both."
0:06:43 > 0:06:45She's not stupid, you know.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Broadchurch or Line of Duty?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48BELL
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Both.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Neither.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"I haven't watched either." Merkel or Macron?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56BELL
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Both, "I'm looking forward to working with them."
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Almost exactly that.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I could be a politician, it's incredibly easy.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I mean, even Gyles did it...
0:07:08 > 0:07:12The Daily Telegraph made a similar attempt to make her appear human
0:07:12 > 0:07:14and normal, by asking her which Harry Potter character
0:07:14 > 0:07:16she most resembled. BUZZER
0:07:16 > 0:07:19She has read, she claims, all the Harry Potter books.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I don't know if she's seen the movies, but she wouldn't
0:07:21 > 0:07:23be drawn on which one she wanted to be...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- CARIAD:- She's Malfoy and she knows it.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32She's not Malfoy.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Those are the posh boys she's just replaced.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38She's maybe Thatcher's final horcrux.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- I'd watch that. - What she replied was...
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Unite boss Len McCluskey had some encouraging words for Jeremy Corbyn,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01what were they? BUZZER
0:08:01 > 0:08:05He said, we haven't got a chance. He said, we have 200 seats left,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07that'll be it, we won't win, we've got no chance at all.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11He said 200 seats would be Labour's worst result since 1935,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14and that would be regarded as a success for Jeremy Corbyn.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17This is the mistake, you see, politicians make -
0:08:17 > 0:08:18saying anything at all.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24You seem to be saying "don't say anything" at incredible length.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29APPLAUSE
0:08:29 > 0:08:33What was wrong with the design of Labour candidate Roger Godsiff's
0:08:33 > 0:08:34campaign leaflet?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Did he misspell the constituency, or his own name?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- It was beyond that.- Beyond that? - Shall we have a wee look?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50"Unwanted, unnecessary and opportunistic."
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You asked for honesty from your politicians.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Anything else catch your eye in the various manifestos?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00They're full of good ideas - unlike Gyles,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I thought they were terrific.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04They're a lot of the same ideas.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08This is cos we're all now broadly speaking in the middle ground.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Little Tim Farron, looking like Daddy Woodentop.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16He's allowing us to get high on the weed, that's lovely.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- CARIAD:- Somebody make a gif of that immediately -
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Gyles Brandreth going "high on the weed."
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I've kind of got addicted to watching Tim Farron.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- He's incredible.- He's like a sort of trendy vicar.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"OK, we're having a meeting at the youth club tomorrow,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36"we're gonna have a workshop on how to act normal around gays."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Did anyone see the BBC's Ben Brown
0:09:46 > 0:09:50cup a woman's breast while talking to Norman Smith on Tuesday?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51- No.- Let's have a look.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Already, there's some uncertainty
0:09:53 > 0:09:54about what he was saying on benefits.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- WOMAN:- Absolutely fantastic.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Just give us a second.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Jeremy Corbyn was asked whether he would end the freeze...
0:10:02 > 0:10:04And the BBC has spent years
0:10:04 > 0:10:06trying to get away from this kind of thing.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- This is the...- Can I say, this is... - No.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:13 > 0:10:15This is the ongoing election campaign.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Revealing that she's a diabetic,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Theresa May has admitted she injects five times a day.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22She really is going for that Scottish vote, isn't she?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26As a father, I'll tell you what's a vote winner -
0:10:26 > 0:10:28cutting paternity leave.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Paul and Gyles, take a look at this, please.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yes, this is a hospital...
0:10:37 > 0:10:41The computer's going down, he's very angry about it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43There is the evil villain that's been making it all happen,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46somebody who can't afford their electricity bill.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- So, hackers. Anonymous hackers.- It's the hackers.- Are they anonymous?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- I don't know where they're from. - We do know where they're from. They are from North Korea.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- It turns out.- Has that been proven? - Not totally proven.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01But they're not going to sue me, so...
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I think it probably is North Korea, there is something...
0:11:04 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Something in the code, when it was un-hacked,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10indicated it might have been from North Korea.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- CARIAD:- Gyles, you know way too much about this.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14I think you were involved.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19- GYLES:- Only because I did chair the Cyber Security Awards,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23quite recently. I can't tell you where, or when...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Is that security or Alzheimer's?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Do you know what the virus was called?
0:11:29 > 0:11:30It was called WannaCry,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34demands money before you can get your computer files back.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36It was all in BRIT-coins as well.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37- Bitcoins?- Bitcoins.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41No, no, we've left the European market. Britcoins!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46There's been a sort of failure of the government, here, hasn't there?
0:11:46 > 0:11:51They were warned at least three years ago that XP needed updating.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55But the trouble with the NHS, it spent a lot of money on IT already -
0:11:55 > 0:11:57about 12 billion - for a system that didn't work,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00so essentially it doesn't have any money left,
0:12:00 > 0:12:01so they didn't pay for the update.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03We've not upgraded the security properly,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06we've been running the NHS on Windows XP so people
0:12:06 > 0:12:10have probably been told that they're dying by a helpful paperclip.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I like the idea that as a hacker,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18you would target, for a ransom, the NHS.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23One of the few world organisations you know doesn't have any money.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Probably given Jeremy Hunt some ideas
0:12:25 > 0:12:27about how to get money out of it!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30What must it be like being Jeremy Hunt at the moment?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Imagine he goes into hospital,
0:12:32 > 0:12:36he'd be the first person to have a sprained wrist treated anally.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"Sorry, Mr Hunt, this is going to involve a bit of a run-up."
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"Luckily, our computers are down,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"so there's no record of what's about to happen to you."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50This bit of malware was stolen
0:12:50 > 0:12:54from the American National Security Association. Which is a misnomer!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I think President Trump gave it away.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Does anyone know what the Russians have said about it?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02CARIAD SPEAKS RUSSIAN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Exactly that.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08They're claiming it's not them
0:13:08 > 0:13:10cos the Russian Interior Ministry was targeted.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11- GYLES:- That was the decoy.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15You're so clever, Gyles.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19These are just things I picked up at the Cyber Security Conference.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20The Russians have said...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Who else has been hacked this week?
0:13:26 > 0:13:27- The Europeans... - Everyone's been hacked -
0:13:27 > 0:13:30virtually everybody outside of North Korea has been hacked.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Renault.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35One of the big stories is they hacked Disney.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37They've demanded a ransom.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Disney have said...
0:13:45 > 0:13:49..said the makers of Pirates Of The Caribbean 5.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53This is the NHS computer-hacking crisis.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56It's the biggest failure for the NHS since records began...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58at three o'clock yesterday.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Nine NHS trusts were affected.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Records were lost and people may have to wait six weeks
0:14:05 > 0:14:07to see a doctor. Amber Rudd said...
0:14:11 > 0:14:15And so to Round 2 and a welcome return to the Jigsaw of News.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Fingers on the buzzer, teams.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22BUZZER
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Is this President, soon-to-be-Mr Trump?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Once again, every time he does something,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30he just makes things worse for himself. They're relieved
0:14:30 > 0:14:32he's going abroad for a couple of weeks,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35just to take the pressure off him being a fucking idiot.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39APPLAUSE
0:14:39 > 0:14:43If, as a result of his presidency, the world does indeed end,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45won't it be marvellous to think it happened in our time?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51He might change what the word "presidential" means.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Like, in a few years, you'll be going,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55"My uncle fell over and banged his head on a curb.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"He's been rendered completely presidential."
0:15:00 > 0:15:02He dismissed the head of the FBI this week.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- CARIAD:- James Comey?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- GYLES:- Mr Comey was dismissed. - Comey over.- Because he was...
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- CARIAD:- Investigating his connections with Russia.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12And now there's an enquiry, who's been put in charge of the enquiry?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- They've got a special prosecutor. - A former head of the FBI.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17When you open up that special prosecutor,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20there'll be another little special prosecutor, there'll be another...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Eventually there will be a little bloke saying, "Did you do it?"
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- CARIAD:- Robert Mueller?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Robert Mueller who was a former FBI director.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29James Comey's done something to get his revenge on Trump.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- Any ideas?- He has produced his memo.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33He kept a memorandum.
0:15:33 > 0:15:39After Trump tweeted that he had kept or suggest
0:15:39 > 0:15:41he might have kept a recording of the dinner
0:15:41 > 0:15:43that took place in February.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Comey then came back to say, "I kept a memorandum."
0:15:46 > 0:15:49And he said, "Will you drop the Russian stuff?"
0:15:49 > 0:15:52So, basically, he accused him of literally trying to interfere
0:15:52 > 0:15:54in the process of justice.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56The Americans don't like that very much.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58So it's all going wrong.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59- CARIAD:- The best bit was Putin.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"If you want the transcript, we've got one."
0:16:03 > 0:16:06How did Trump's administration respond to Comey's leak?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08With confusion.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10With incredible confusion.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13According to the online news website Daily Beast
0:16:13 > 0:16:14one official said...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20While another senior official said...
0:16:25 > 0:16:28What else did Donald Trump do this week?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30He decided literally in the middle of a meeting
0:16:30 > 0:16:34with the Russian Foreign Minister that he would read some stuff
0:16:34 > 0:16:35given to him by some people,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38came from the Israelis apparently, he just passed it on.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40That's to the Russians! And then he goes around saying,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42"Why did people accuse me of being too close to the Russians?"
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I don't know, Donald, I can't imagine!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Trump defended his actions by making this speech.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Look at the way I've been treated lately.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Especially by the media.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57No politician in history...
0:16:58 > 0:17:02..and I say this with great surety,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06was treated worse or more unfairly.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08You can't let them get you down.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Oh, God!- When he says no-one's been treated this badly,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15does he mean psychiatrically?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Did he use the word "surety?"
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Yes.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23It is terrifying, isn't it?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Surely if you were recruiting a spy,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Trump would be underneath Hulk Hogan.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I wouldn't believe any conspiracy theory at all.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I think he is exactly what he is revealing himself to be.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You just told us North Korea attacked the NHS!
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Oh, no! Don't reintroduce the subject!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- That is that.- Please be quiet.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47- He also...- How did...- Excuse me.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49No.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50He also...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Gyles.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Gyles, when people hear your name, they often think, "Jumpers,"
0:17:58 > 0:18:00but I'm sure people who meet you must take their lives
0:18:00 > 0:18:01in other ways as well.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05LAUGHTER
0:18:05 > 0:18:08This is the news that Donald Trump is now at war
0:18:08 > 0:18:10with intelligence in two ways.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Donald Trump said recently that every time he picks a phone up,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19he feels like someone is listening. That's what a phone is, Donald!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25APPLAUSE
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Donald Trump is increasingly unpopular with the CIA,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31where his Secret Service codename is JFK 2.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- BELL - Football.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- Who are they?- CARIAD:- They're men.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49They're men with a cup.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- They have done something well. - They're a very special type
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- of new football club. GYLES:- They're wearing green costumes?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- CARIAD:- Costumes! He's worse than me!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- The green's a clue. GYLES:- The green IS a clue.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04It's an environmentally friendly football club.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Yes! Yes indeed.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- This is the news... - Forest Green Rovers or whatever?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Forest Green Rovers? The first vegan football club.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- Vegan?- They were promoted on Sunday for the first time in their history.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Here's how the radio commentator described it.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21'Let me tell you this, Cheltenham, Swindon, Newport,
0:19:21 > 0:19:25'you're going to eat humus at the new lawn next season,
0:19:25 > 0:19:30'because Forest Green Rovers are in the Football League!'
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Since going vegan, the players have had zero injuries,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37but how were some of the players and staff caught out last year?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Eating pork scratchings after hours?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Very close.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Here they are!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53The staff at Greggs didn't help the situation
0:19:53 > 0:19:55by telling the local paper...
0:19:59 > 0:20:03This is Forest Green Rovers, the first vegan football club.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Thanks to their eco-friendly chairman, Dale Vince,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08according to the BBC, the club has...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12In fact, if they put any more shit on the pitch,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14they'll qualify for the Scottish Premiership.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19As a vegan team, Forest Green Rovers are looking forward
0:20:19 > 0:20:22to their derby with archrivals KFC.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Time now for the odd one out round.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Your four are...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29a quilted jacket in old gold,
0:20:29 > 0:20:30the Da Vinci Code,
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Stork margarine,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33and Ivanka Trump's fashion brand.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35OK, the jacket is old gold coloured,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Dan Brown, the Da Vinci Code, I don't know much about that.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Other than it was a film and a book, obviously. Stork might have changed
0:20:42 > 0:20:45its colour due to some sort of manufacturing process.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Any idea about this, Gyles?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Well, colour clearly is involved, orange possibly is the colour
0:20:50 > 0:20:55because Orange is the colour of Ivanka and of the quilted jacket.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Is it something to do with not being stocked,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00cos Ivanka's fashion line was dropped?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02And it was one of the few things that Trump
0:21:02 > 0:21:06was genuinely exercised about - his daughter's fashion line
0:21:06 > 0:21:08was dropped by one of the big department stores.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Yes, it's much more to do with that.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:12 > 0:21:17Stork is no longer on the market, and the other three are.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20No.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23And this old gold jacket...
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- CARIAD:- Has been dropped by...
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Not been dropped by anyone. Thus the odd one out.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- It is the odd one out.- Hey!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34APPLAUSE
0:21:37 > 0:21:40The answer is no-one wants to buy them apart from a quilted jacket
0:21:40 > 0:21:43in old gold, which proved to be overwhelmingly popular this week.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Ria Hattam wore one to the Badminton Horse Trials
0:21:47 > 0:21:50only to spot at least 16 others. She took some photos.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Let's have a look at Ria and the matching jackets.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Oh, yes!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I'm laughing, but I'm going to go and throw mine away!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10This isn't the only time someone has turned up to find everyone else
0:22:10 > 0:22:13in the same outfit. Did anyone see how Australian news anchor
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Amber Sherlock dealt with it?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Wearing the same as the breakfast person on Norwegian television.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19I don't really know what that means.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Let's have a wee look at the clip.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I need Julie to put a jacket on cos we're all in white.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I asked her before we came on. You need to put a jacket on.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I haven't had time. Is there someone...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Come on, I told you two hours ago!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Amber, I'm sorry, I've been flat out.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Well, I'll call wardrobe and we'll get something.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I made this clear two and a half hours ago.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Amber, if it's an issue, I can get on out of here.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45It is an issue, go and grab a jacket.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Time now to head into the chatroom.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Joining me today is psychologist Sandy Ray in Melbourne
0:22:53 > 0:22:55and Julie Snook in Sydney.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Why didn't she complain about the one on the right
0:23:00 > 0:23:02having the same hair as her in the middle?
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Perhaps it's like one of those fruit machines.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You pull a handle and three images are going across.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Due to poor sales, Ivanka Trump's clothing line is being re-branded
0:23:13 > 0:23:14and sold at discount stores.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18What has the fashion label Chanel been criticised for this week?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Oh, the boomerang.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Yes.- They've made a bejewelled boomerang, or something?
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- They've made a boomerang that costs £1,130.- Wow.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Let's have a wee look at it.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Why is it dipped in chocolate?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I wonder what the returns policy is.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:43APPLAUSE
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Oxfam is begging people not to take any more copies of
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code to its charity shops as it can't shift
0:23:49 > 0:23:51the many copies it already has.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Here's how one Oxfam shop in Swansea illustrated the problem.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57This is the sign in the window, which said,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59"You could give us another Da Vinci Code
0:23:59 > 0:24:01"but we would rather have your vinyl."
0:24:03 > 0:24:05How did Stephen Fry describe the novel?
0:24:05 > 0:24:06He said it was...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Some religious conspiracy theorists have pointed out
0:24:13 > 0:24:15that if you read the Da Vinci Code backwards,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17it's actually a bit better.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Sales of Stork margarine
0:24:20 > 0:24:23are decreasing as people prefer to spread butter
0:24:23 > 0:24:26on their toast, as you said, people think it is healthier.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28According to the Guardian...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34That's the last community you want to make a joke about!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Well, someone's applauding!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Time now for the missing words round which this week features
0:24:45 > 0:24:47as its guest publication...
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Essexbirding,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52the journal of the Essex bird-watching society.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Many people in Essex are twitchers, but that's mainly due to cocaine.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00And we start with...
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- GYLES:- Lover? Just to help out when Philip retires?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08- CARIAD:- Are you offering, Gyles?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I don't think that's what he's retiring from.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16The Queen has a top-secret Facebook account.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17- CARIAD:- No way!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20One reason the Queen gets a lot of Facebook messages,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22is because she has two birthdays a year.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25One each for her human and lizard forms.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- You and David Icke, then!- Next...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"..felt my hands around his scrawny neck
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"as I choked the living daylights out of him!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- CARIAD:- "..and the old editor said I could and that was fine."
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Pretty much. The answer...
0:25:51 > 0:25:53In fact, the only time any editor has said yes quicker
0:25:53 > 0:25:57is when Kelvin MacKenzie asked, "Shall I offer my resig...?"
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I don't think he offered his resignation!
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Next...
0:26:06 > 0:26:11- GYLES:- "Gran accidentally dies after taking birdseed instead of aspirin?"
0:26:14 > 0:26:15The answer is...
0:26:21 > 0:26:24This is Valerie Johnson who accidentally drove 300 miles
0:26:24 > 0:26:27from England to Lanarkshire when she missed a turn-off.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29She thought she was following the right motorway on the map,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31but it turned out to be a varicose vein.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35And finally...
0:26:37 > 0:26:41"..conjures up the spirit of Beelzebub and ruins reception."
0:26:44 > 0:26:46"..accidentally photographs wrong couple."
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Yes!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Oh, no!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Jacob Peters made an expensive mistake last weekend
0:26:56 > 0:26:59when he accidentally photographed the wrong couple's proposal.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Also this week, a groom got into trouble
0:27:01 > 0:27:04after a bee disrupted his wedding. Let's have a look.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07And to be your companion and your friend.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09On this journey that we make together.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12On this journey that we make together.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Oh!
0:27:19 > 0:27:20There was a bee.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Straight after that she pretended to see a wasp near his balls.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29So, the final scores are -
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Paul and Gyles have eight points
0:27:31 > 0:27:33and Ian and Cariad have six!
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Well done.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Blew it.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:42On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Ian Hislop, Cariad Lloyd, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46And I leave you with news that,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49as Labour's election campaign continues,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51party workers are concerned that some members may have
0:27:51 > 0:27:54misunderstood the phrase "touch base with the public."
0:28:00 > 0:28:02After pledging that, if elected Prime Minister,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05he would legalise cannabis, Lib Dem leader Tim Farron
0:28:05 > 0:28:07denies trying out the drug for himself.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13And, at a Moscow press conference, one journalist tries his luck
0:28:13 > 0:28:16asking Donald Trump who's America's top spy in Russia.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Goodnight.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE