0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hello, my name is Henning. Hello. Good evening. Guten Abend.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, sechs,
0:00:07 > 0:00:09sieben, acht, neun...
0:00:09 > 0:00:11- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Zehn!- Zehn! Ja.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- Elf!- Elf, ja.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Any more, anyone?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Zwolf!- Zwolf, ja, indeed!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Anyone who can count further will be deported.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26We're different country now.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I'm Ed Balls, and in the news this week -
0:01:11 > 0:01:13at a Slinky factory in the Midlands,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16after spotting yet another election candidate about to pay a visit,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19one worker takes cunning evasive action.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26In a dining room in south London,
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Brian Cox's cat makes a vital contribution
0:01:30 > 0:01:33to the owner's understanding of the orbital motion of Saturn.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43And there's evidence that female moviegoers
0:01:43 > 0:01:46may be disappointed with the remake of Ghost.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54On Ian's team tonight is a German comedian
0:01:54 > 0:01:58who has made this country his home for the past 15 years.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Ah, well, all good things...
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Please welcome, for the last time, Henning Wehn!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And with Paul tonight is an outspoken journalist
0:02:12 > 0:02:14and broadcaster, and a Londoner
0:02:14 > 0:02:17who loves walking in the countryside for the tranquillity,
0:02:17 > 0:02:21which is what London enjoys while she's off doing it.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26APPLAUSE
0:02:29 > 0:02:33So it's obviously been a horrible, terrible week.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Yes, but we're still, I think, allowed to laugh.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Is that...is that OK?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- AUDIENCE: Yes.- Excellent.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Well, I don't want to overstate it,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44but going out, enjoying yourself, having a good time -
0:02:44 > 0:02:47all the things terrorism hates - we can still do it.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Quite right.- Even here.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51APPLAUSE
0:02:55 > 0:02:57And have a laugh at Ed, I hope.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Thanks, Ian(!)
0:03:01 > 0:03:03So, Paul and Janet, take a look at this.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Ah, Mr Bean goes on holiday.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Here he is.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I thought he was frightened of stairs,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- so they've laid on an escalator, specially.- What's he doing?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- What's going on there?- Well, I read that he has to have an award
0:03:16 > 0:03:18to put him in a good mood.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Donald Trump has been away from America,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22to get away from his problems there,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and now he's walking around the world
0:03:24 > 0:03:26showing everybody what a massive twit looks like.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Yes, he went to Rome.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Yeah. Brussels.- Israel.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Yeah, ended up in Brussels.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36He's repeated the same phrase over and over again about the bombers,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38that they are "losers".
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I thought the phrase he kept repeating was, "Where am I?"
0:03:41 > 0:03:45No, I think he repeated, "Strong and stable government."
0:03:47 > 0:03:50But the main thing is that it was an opportunity
0:03:50 > 0:03:54for the Trump women to wear a succession of extraordinary outfits.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Looking like a couple of Thunderbirds puppets, basically.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Lady Penelope and...- Parker.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02And Parker, yeah, that's good.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06What landmark moment in Trump's presidency did the trip signify?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08He was about to be impeached...
0:04:08 > 0:04:11so he thought, if he went abroad,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14he could make more of a fool of himself than at home.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I mean, it is extraordinary.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19He said about the Saudis that they threw people off buildings
0:04:19 > 0:04:22and had an appalling attitude to women, during the campaign,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25then he got there and said, "This is a magnificent kingdom."
0:04:25 > 0:04:28He contradicts himself almost mid-sentence nowadays.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30He can't keep it up.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34He criticised Obama for bowing to the Saudis,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36then he himself curtsied.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39He does this sort of weird thing
0:04:39 > 0:04:41and then puts on the Award
0:04:41 > 0:04:44of the Great Flogger of the Temple of Doom, or whatever it is!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50That was an ITV quiz show that never got past the pilot.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- It is quite extraordinary.- Hmm.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55And having failed to point out that, you know,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58if you're going to Saudi Arabia to make a speech
0:04:58 > 0:05:01about where this appalling version of Islam comes from
0:05:01 > 0:05:04that preaches terrorism and extremism, where is it?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Ooh, it's here!
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Not a mention of it.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09They were told at the official dinner
0:05:09 > 0:05:12he needed to have ketchup on stand-by.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Do you want to know a fascinating fact about tomato ketchup?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17- Yes!- Yes.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I'm going to say that one again.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Do you want to know a fascinating fact about tomato ketchup?
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Oh, yes!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Henning's auditioning for the Churchill dog ad.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33- GRUFF VOICE:- "Oh, yes!"
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Well, suddenly, with Brexit looming,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I'm a lot more amenable to advertising.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42This actually may be something you know about.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45The father of Henry Heinz, the inventor of ketchup,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48and Donald Trump's grandfather come from
0:05:48 > 0:05:50the same German village of Kallstadt.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I'm not taking any responsibility...
0:05:53 > 0:05:57What was the biggest talking point of Trump's Saudi visit?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59How about the glowing orb?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01How about the glowing orb?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Cos that's what his barber calls his head.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Have a look at this picture.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- HENNING:- Yeah, that is just as sinister as anything, isn't it?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13They are dividing it up between them.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- JANET:- It looks like the World Cup.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17So many people in that photograph look like a waxwork.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- HENNING:- I tell you what,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21of the three people holding the ball,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Donald Trump looks the most trustworthy.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- As a world leader... - Not you, surely?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Did you see the ceremonial sword dance
0:06:37 > 0:06:38the Saudis put on for the President?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- No, but I'd love to. - Here it is.- Good!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44DRUMMING AND CHANTING
0:06:53 > 0:06:55You need to give him some dancing tips.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57He's got no sense of rhythm,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- and his sword was drooping. - I know.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Donald Trump then moved on to the third leg
0:07:02 > 0:07:05in his monotheistic religions of the world tour,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07where he met the Pope in the Vatican.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09How did that go?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Not so well. He'd been very rude about the Pope.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14The Pope had said that he was not a Christian.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16The Pope looks fantastically stony faced.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- We've got some footage. - Oh, here we are.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
0:07:24 > 0:07:26CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
0:07:26 > 0:07:29HENNING CHUCKLES
0:07:29 > 0:07:31It looks like somebody
0:07:31 > 0:07:34who was against the marriage in the first place.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36If you thought that photo opportunity was awkward,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39look what happened when they sat down.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41LOW CONVERSATION
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Is there anything you'd like to tell me?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I'm sorry, we don't seem to have your reservation here.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51And how did the Pope lighten the mood?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Let one off.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I'm sorry?!
0:07:57 > 0:08:01He asked Melania what she was feeding Trump, and she said pizza.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Top bantz.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06She didn't say anything on the whole trip, did she?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- There's no record of Melania speaking.- Hmm.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13She had a lot more eye make-up by the end than the beginning.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16She doesn't seem to be enjoying life as the First Lady, does she?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18He put his hand out and she gave it the flick.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21She knows that he's scared of stairs,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23so when they're coming down the stairs,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26he reached out to her and she went...ohh!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Whoa-oa-oa!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32What is it about stairs that worries him?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Is it the unpredictability of one step after another?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Or is it Dalek in his DNA? What's up with him?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Donald thought that he and the Pope got on really well
0:08:41 > 0:08:43because they had one thing in common.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Do you know what that is?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Humility.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48That is right.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That is the answer.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- No!- Yes.- No!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54It's true. In 2013, Donald Trump tweeted...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04And what did the Pope give to Donald Trump to take away?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Diphtheria?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10He gave him a carved piece of olive wood saying...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19A sentiment we all share.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21This is Donald Trump's whistle-stop tour
0:09:21 > 0:09:23which started with Saudi Arabia and Israel.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Trump's Saudi trip concluded with a concert
0:09:26 > 0:09:29by an American country and western singer
0:09:29 > 0:09:30accompanied by an Arabian lute,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34who rounded off the evening with that Saudi country classic,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Stand Ten Paces Behind Your Man.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39After the Middle East, the Trumps went to Italy
0:09:39 > 0:09:41to visit the Pope.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44There's Melania wearing her favourite outfit.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Widow-in-waiting.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48APPLAUSE
0:09:50 > 0:09:53She does look like she should be doing an advert
0:09:53 > 0:09:57for Scottish pensions, wandering around that maze.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Ian and Henning, take a look at this.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Oh, dear.- This is politics, which has started again.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05There was a temporary pause and now we're all back.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Going one way and then the other.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Yeah.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14It's a U-turn, so what?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16She proposed this idea that old people
0:10:16 > 0:10:20who have assets should pay for a proportion of their care,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23and then she was reminded
0:10:23 > 0:10:26that a lot of old people vote Conservative.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Then she thought this was a terrible idea.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Most of the Cabinet didn't know about this social care.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Apparently, it was slipped in at the last minute,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36so all those ministers went out and said,
0:10:36 > 0:10:37"This is a terrific idea,"
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and then someone said, "She's just pulled it."
0:10:40 > 0:10:42"This is not a great idea."
0:10:42 > 0:10:44It's incredibly humiliating.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Meanwhile the Labour Party, who are usually for inheritance tax,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50suddenly decided that passing on your house to your children
0:10:50 > 0:10:53was a traditional socialist touchstone,
0:10:53 > 0:10:57and that it was appalling to suggest that people
0:10:57 > 0:10:59should actually have to pay for some of their own care
0:10:59 > 0:11:01and not give their children money.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03The Conservatives have promised
0:11:03 > 0:11:058 billion of extra funding for the NHS.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Where's the money coming from? - Corporation tax.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Andrew Neil tried to find out.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13How are you going to pay for extra £8 billion for the NHS?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Andrew, when I go round the country and talk to people
0:11:16 > 0:11:18about what we're going to do in government,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20what people want to know is,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22are we actually going to have the strong economy
0:11:22 > 0:11:24that enables us to pay for the NHS?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Where will the extra 8 billion come from?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29What we have done, if you look at our record,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32is shown that we can put record sums of money
0:11:32 > 0:11:34into the National Health Service
0:11:34 > 0:11:36at the same time as we are ensuring
0:11:36 > 0:11:38that we are building that strong economy.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Let me try one more time.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Where will the extra 8 billion for the NHS come from?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47What we have done over the last six years - six, seven years -
0:11:47 > 0:11:51and we will do in future, is ensure that we have the strong economy,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53the growing economy, that enables us
0:11:53 > 0:11:56to generate the funds to put into our public services.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59So, Ed, how does it work if, say, you are the Prime Minister
0:11:59 > 0:12:01or Shadow Chancellor, or whatever,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and you go to an interview like that,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06so do you get briefed or brief yourself
0:12:06 > 0:12:09so that's just those few messages I want to get out,
0:12:09 > 0:12:13and whatever I get asked I will not answer or say anything
0:12:13 > 0:12:15that I haven't prepared...
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Look at the alternative - Diane Abbott...
0:12:19 > 0:12:22blathering about a load of random figures.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Go on, Ed, you're the expert.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Well...
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I think it's really important to answer the question
0:12:28 > 0:12:31if you possibly can, and I don't think she did.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Pot and kettle!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I can't believe I'm hearing this!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And I think people probably noticed.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41What's the one word that Theresa May repeated over and over again
0:12:41 > 0:12:43in that interview with Andrew?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Help!
0:12:46 > 0:12:47- Do you want to see?- Yeah.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Well, Andrew, first of all, Andrew...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51What we have done, Andrew...
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Andrew... You know, Andrew...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Well, Andrew, I called an election several weeks ago...
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Andrew...
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Andrew...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Prime Minister, thank you.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Imagine doing that and then getting the name wrong.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07What lie did Boris Johnson tell Robert Peston?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Was this the 350 million again?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Linked.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11On the NHS?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Linked.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- Did he say it'd be reconsidered?- Oh, he said it was in the manifesto.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- Did she say it at the manifesto launch?- No.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Not only did he lie, but he actually cheated as well,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23cos he looked at Peston's notes
0:13:23 > 0:13:25in the hope of finding out what the question was going to be,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27and he was caught.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I didn't know what cheating you were referring to there.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32AUDIENCE GASPS
0:13:32 > 0:13:35You've suddenly adopted the character of a Northern housewife.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- NORTHERN ACCENT:- "Ooh, have you heard about...?"
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"It was no surprise to me!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"He was rinsing out his own gloves last Saturday."
0:13:47 > 0:13:49We haven't talked about Labour very much,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51so to head off any accusations of bias...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Are you leaving now, to be replaced?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00The next round will be hosted by Michael Portillo.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Come on, we can have a Train Round.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12When it comes to the Labour's manifesto promises,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16how did Shadow Foreign Secretary Emily Thornberry muddy the waters?
0:14:16 > 0:14:17- Was this Trident?- Yep.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19She said it would be reviewed
0:14:19 > 0:14:21and the review might include scrapping it.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- Was that the problem? - And do you know who contradicted her
0:14:24 > 0:14:26and said it was Labour's policy to keep Trident?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- The Shadow Defence...- The Shadow Defence Secretary, that's right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33This was Nia Griffith, the Shadow Defence Secretary...
0:14:36 > 0:14:37- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!- Ooh!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39You're doing it again!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- NORTHERN ACCENT:- "I don't know who that man was she was in the pub
0:14:42 > 0:14:43"with on Saturday,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"but it wasn't her husband, I'll tell you that much!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"I know full well he's got a job in Peterborough!"
0:14:49 > 0:14:50- Finally...- Yeah?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53..in an interview with the Sunday Telegraph,
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Theresa May revealed who her dream dinner-party guests would be.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04If anyone from Google is watching,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07prepare for a surge at 9:31 tonight.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09He was an explorer, wasn't he, Wilfred Thesiger?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- Yeah.- Africa.- Ended up in Kenya.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Where DID he intend to go?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Another dream dinner-party guest
0:15:22 > 0:15:24would be the artist Sir Stanley Spencer.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Has she ever looked at the pictures he painted?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Don't know!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- HENNING:- That's not her, is it?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Unless that's Jacob Rees-Mogg!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42APPLAUSE
0:15:43 > 0:15:47And so to Round Two. I'm going to give you a musical clue.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48- Oh, God!- JANET:- God...
0:15:48 > 0:15:53I'm going to play a song which obviously will trigger a story
0:15:53 > 0:15:55and I want you to buzz in when you know the answer.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56OK.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59HE PLAYS A SIMPLE TUNE
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Scientists have found a way of making time stand still!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07This could be Morse code, he might be signalling.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Signalling to U-boats in the harbour.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I've never heard of this bloody song!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Well, that's obvious!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16OK, I'll do it again.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18No! Stop, stop, stop!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20In case you need a further clue...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Yeah?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26APPLAUSE
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Can we have a professional opinion?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Interesting use of the word "further"!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33We'll have a look at the picture.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's a cat that can play the piano!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- JANET:- Pussycat. What's New Pussycat?.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43He's called Bastard, by the look of it, on his collar.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Why would someone call a cat Bastard?- HENNING:- That's Tom Jones?!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49HE HUMS
0:16:51 > 0:16:53That still isn't it!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I still don't know what song we're after!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00It is a song, What's New Pussycat?,
0:17:00 > 0:17:04to introduce this cat, who's called Bastard, according to his collar!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Although they reckon the cat is intelligent enough,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08so they have blocked out three of the letters,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11so he does not get a complex about it!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13He might think his name's Bernard!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20This is the news that an Australian charity are seeking a home
0:17:20 > 0:17:22for a cat called Mr Biggles.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Do you know why he is struggling to find a home?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Is he very ill-tempered?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28According to the advert posted by an Australian pet charity,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Mr Biggles is an...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Why is he such a bastard, does anybody know?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Weren't we discussing Tom Jones a minute ago?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44He sang the song.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46He sang What's New Pussycat?.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And this is about a pussycat in Australia - that's the link.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- That's the link.- Get over it!
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Ahh!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56I think it was the "bip, bip, bip" that confused you.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59According to the ad...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06The ad also says he has the air of...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Let's move on.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Syd Hodgson wanted a tree cut down
0:18:13 > 0:18:17to stop pigeons roosting and pooing on his car.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Four council workmen came along and installed this.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24What did Sid make of the owl?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Pathetic.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28He got really, really angry.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Is the right answer.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32He wanted the tree cut down. He didn't want an owl.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33He told the Times...
0:18:37 > 0:18:40The owl might be saying the same about him!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50And lastly, in other animal news,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52let's see how a Russian dog
0:18:52 > 0:18:55interrupted a news broadcast this week.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:18:57 > 0:18:59DOG BARKS
0:19:03 > 0:19:06SHE GASPS
0:19:06 > 0:19:10SHE CONTINUES
0:19:16 > 0:19:19They train their journalists tough over there, don't they?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's your next musical clue.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24IAN SCOFFS
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Interesting use of the word "next"!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30FUNKY BEAT PLAYS
0:19:32 > 0:19:34HE PLAYS A TUNE
0:19:39 > 0:19:41BELL RINGS
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Oh, it sounds like something! - I'm just joining in!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- I've not finished! - Oh, I think you have.- No, no, no.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54That's it.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- JANET:- Not bad at all.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02It sounded like something.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05So the song was Pretty Woman. Here's a picture.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07- HENNING:- Well, it's a pretty woman, innit?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- BELL RINGS - Jane Austen!- HENNING:- Oh, yeah.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12That is going to be a bit big for the machines, isn't it?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- JANET:- Hasn't there been an argument that she's been slightly...
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I may as well not be here!
0:20:17 > 0:20:18BELL RINGS
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It is a buzzer round.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- Oh, sorry.- No, no, go on.- Oh.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Just making a point!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28My point is that there's been an argument,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31that she has been slightly prettied up for the £10 note.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33This is the news that the image of Jane Austen
0:20:33 > 0:20:36on the new £10 banknote has caused controversy
0:20:36 > 0:20:39after being airbrushed to make her look prettier.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Here's how she is on the new £10 note.- Mm-hm.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45And here's the original portrait that's based on.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46That was drawn by her sister.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Yeah.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- HENNING:- Well, it is similar though, innit?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- JANET:- Similar, but if you were on Crimewatch,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56would you say it was the same perpetrator?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Of course, I have just been on billboards
0:20:58 > 0:21:00all over the country in a swimsuit
0:21:00 > 0:21:03to promote a campaign for body confidence,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05in which I was not airbrushed.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Can we see that?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08You can see it if you want.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10You can see my varicose veins 15 feet high.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13They've been in Westfield shopping centre.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Your varicose veins are 15 foot high?!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17No, my body was!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I see it now, yes!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I thought that was a nimbus cloud!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Anyway, this airbrushing is a plague, I do think.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28It's astonishing that they feel they have to make
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Jane Austen look more cute, you know?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33In fact, they've just made her look more bland.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Yes. This is the airbrushing of Jane Austen's face
0:21:36 > 0:21:37on the new £10 note,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40a decision which shows a complete lack of sense.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42And sensibility.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Just one between you. This week, your four are...
0:21:49 > 0:21:50a pair of glasses.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51BUZZER
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Can we have...- All right, you need to do a bit of buzzing!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57How can you get the odd one out from one?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I'm just getting it in early since I keep being ignored!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Let's do that again.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Yeah.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I might do it again, just to annoy you.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Don't do it again.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Time now...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11BUZZER
0:22:13 > 0:22:15APPLAUSE
0:22:17 > 0:22:20You utter, utter, utter bastard.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Your four are a pair of glasses,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25a student's room in LA,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27a steam cloud in Nottingham
0:22:27 > 0:22:28and a pineapple.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30BELL RINGS
0:22:30 > 0:22:33The pair of glasses was mistaken for an exhibit in an art exhibition.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Is there a pineapple in an exhibition?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Bound to be.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40And I think that student's room,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43someone has arranged a student's room.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- I read about that, yeah. - An installation.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50It's an installation. So, they are all deliberate, except the glasses.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53The steam cloud has been declared a work of art.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I was going to say, "Can we have a clue?"
0:22:58 > 0:23:00but then I thought, "Oh, no!"
0:23:00 > 0:23:03# Bam-bam-bam-bam... #
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Anybody(?)
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- JANET:- Get the keyboard out!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It's the National Anthem, can you hear it?
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Oh, yeah!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Can't you just sing us another clue?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14No, don't!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Sorry, that came from the heart.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18We don't know the answer.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22They have all been mistaken for genuine works of art,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24apart from a cloud of steam,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26which WAS a genuine work of art
0:23:26 > 0:23:28but was mistaken for a fire.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Let's have a look.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34That is the steam.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35It is either that
0:23:35 > 0:23:38or the Liberal Democrats drugs policy working group.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41In 1666, it was all over London...
0:23:44 > 0:23:47And everyone was marvelling. "Ooh, lovely."
0:23:47 > 0:23:48- JANET:- But Henning...
0:23:48 > 0:23:52The Turner Prize has outdone itself this year.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Do you know how the Nottingham Contemporary Art Gallery
0:23:55 > 0:23:57tried to warn passers-by that
0:23:57 > 0:23:59that was in fact an art installation?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Special signs?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03They put up posters in the surrounding area
0:24:03 > 0:24:04telling people not to worry
0:24:04 > 0:24:07and that it was only a cloud of steam,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11posters which, due to the cloud of steam, nobody could see.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16A student's room in Los Angeles has recently been turned into
0:24:16 > 0:24:19a passive-aggressive art gallery by his roommate,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21who's sick of the mess he has left lying around.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24When Justin finds any mess left by his housemate,
0:24:24 > 0:24:28he leaves a card with the price and description of the art.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29- Shall we look at a piece?- Hmm.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33"Forgotten milk, left to go actively rancid in fridge
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"far beyond sell-by date."
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Eurgh! Split infinitive!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43It's barely worth 200 now!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47A pair of glasses was mistaken for a new exhibit
0:24:47 > 0:24:50at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. Let's have a look.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Calls into question the whole way we see things.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00A pineapple was left in the middle of
0:25:00 > 0:25:02an Aberdeen exhibition by a student.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04What did the curators of the exhibition do with it?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- Put it in the catalogue?- Worse. - Put it in a case?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- Sold it! - They put it in a display case.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15It was left there by mistake.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18How could you leave a pineapple?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20I'm sorry, if I buy a pineapple, I don't go and walk round
0:25:20 > 0:25:22an art gallery and think,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26"Oh, I'll just look at this picture. I'll put my pineapple down."
0:25:26 > 0:25:27You're missing out!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Everybody's doing it these days!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34which this week features, as its guest publication, Chanter,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37the Journal of the Bagpipe Society.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38And we start with...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- JANET:- Find Mr Right or even Mr 10%.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48In the back of a cupboard.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50The answer is...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Outraged consumers have been posting pictures this week
0:25:58 > 0:26:01of a top from fashion retailer PrettyLittleThing
0:26:01 > 0:26:03that's impossible to get over their heads.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Let's have a look.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10That's not good.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I have the same problem with pants.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Why do you put them on your head?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Next...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- HENNING:- I don't know, mental breakdown.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26The loss of my political career.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- Yep.- And finally...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I read this. It said more likely to be left-wing.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Or to be socialists.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- Oh, yes.- Is exactly right.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It was in that top journal of scientific record,
0:26:51 > 0:26:52the Sun, wasn't it?
0:26:52 > 0:26:57It was actually in the Journal Of Evolution And Human Behaviour.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58I sent a copy to Jeremy Corbyn,
0:26:58 > 0:27:02but, sadly, he couldn't lift it off the doormat.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04So the final scores are -
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Paul and Jeremy on 4.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Who? Paul and Jeremy?
0:27:08 > 0:27:09He's on!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I think I might read that again.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18- I think you should.- Yeah.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20So the final scores are -
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Paul and Janet are on 4, and Ian and Henning are also on 4.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26It's a tie.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:29We scraped one...
0:27:33 > 0:27:36On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Ian Hislop and Henning Wehn, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41And I leave you with news that, at the European Parliament,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44the prank of calling an emergency meeting on a Sunday
0:27:44 > 0:27:46works like a dream.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51As Donald Trump completes his first tour abroad,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54his foreign adviser waits patiently for him on Air Force One.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00And after Pippa Middleton's wedding,
0:28:00 > 0:28:04some of the guests begin to spread gossip about the bridegroom.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Goodnight.