7:23:36 > 7:23:39And now on BBC Two, in a change to the published programme,
7:23:39 > 7:23:42instead of the snooker from Preston Town Hall,
7:23:42 > 7:23:45we take a sideways look at the news.
7:23:48 > 7:23:55This programme contains some strong language
7:24:09 > 7:24:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
7:24:25 > 7:24:27Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
7:24:27 > 7:24:29I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.
7:24:29 > 7:24:30In the news this week -
7:24:30 > 7:24:34in Plymouth, a pensioner regrets trying on a virtual reality headset
7:24:34 > 7:24:38showing what life will be like under the Tory's social care policy.
7:24:38 > 7:24:40SHE SCREAMS
7:24:41 > 7:24:43Is it real?
7:24:44 > 7:24:46Nana, it's...
7:24:46 > 7:24:47SHE SCREAMS
7:24:49 > 7:24:51In Leeds, one conference delegate from London
7:24:51 > 7:24:54suddenly can't remember if he'd watered the strawberries
7:24:54 > 7:24:56on his allotment that morning.
7:25:04 > 7:25:06And a field trip for the Shanghai Film School
7:25:06 > 7:25:09ends in disaster for the silent comedy department.
7:25:23 > 7:25:26On Ian's team tonight is a political commentator
7:25:26 > 7:25:28who is one of the first names on the list
7:25:28 > 7:25:30when any election show is looking for guests.
7:25:30 > 7:25:34Well, that's the alphabet for you. Please welcome Adam Boulton.
7:25:34 > 7:25:36APPLAUSE
7:25:41 > 7:25:44And with Paul tonight is a TV personality and vicar
7:25:44 > 7:25:47who once said broadcasting was just showing off,
7:25:47 > 7:25:50or, as the Greeks call it, epideiknyomai.
7:25:50 > 7:25:52Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.
7:25:52 > 7:25:54APPLAUSE
7:25:56 > 7:25:59And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
7:25:59 > 7:26:00Ian and Adam, take a look at this.
7:26:01 > 7:26:03That's the viewer.
7:26:03 > 7:26:06For all of the shows. Here she comes.
7:26:06 > 7:26:08Leaving the studio before the debate starts.
7:26:08 > 7:26:10That's... He's giving jam, free.
7:26:10 > 7:26:12All voters.
7:26:12 > 7:26:16That's her saying, "No...
7:26:16 > 7:26:17"I won't be coming."
7:26:17 > 7:26:20She was meant to be here tonight, but she just...
7:26:22 > 7:26:26..didn't want to mix it with ghastly hacks, so we got Victoria.
7:26:28 > 7:26:31This is these debates, which you've all been watching.
7:26:34 > 7:26:36Of course, Jeremy Corbyn managed to crash the party.
7:26:36 > 7:26:38He decided at the last minute that he had nothing to lose,
7:26:38 > 7:26:41- so he might as well turn up. - Do you think that's what he did,
7:26:41 > 7:26:43he suddenly thought, "I'm OK at television after all"?
7:26:43 > 7:26:48- Yeah.- "I went up against Paxman, I didn't die."- Exactly.
7:26:48 > 7:26:50"Why not just go and do another debate?"
7:26:50 > 7:26:52Precisely. Although we call them debates,
7:26:52 > 7:26:54there is no debate with Theresa May.
7:26:54 > 7:26:56- No, cos she's not there. - She didn't turn up.
7:26:56 > 7:26:58She sent Amber Rudd instead.
7:26:58 > 7:27:00Amber Rudd did rather well, didn't she?
7:27:00 > 7:27:02She got a big laugh. Do you know what she got a big laugh for,
7:27:02 > 7:27:04- Amber Rudd on the debate? - People will judge us on our record.
7:27:04 > 7:27:07Hilarious, big gales of laughter.
7:27:07 > 7:27:08Shall we have a look?
7:27:08 > 7:27:11In your manifesto, there was a noticeable absence of costings.
7:27:11 > 7:27:15Well, I would say, in answer to that question, judge us on our record.
7:27:15 > 7:27:17On our record, we have...
7:27:17 > 7:27:19LAUGHTER
7:27:19 > 7:27:21OK, OK. We have cut the deficit.
7:27:21 > 7:27:23She had a little smile.
7:27:23 > 7:27:25She could see it was funny herself, couldn't she?
7:27:25 > 7:27:28She had a little smile going, "Oh, yeah, I know. A bit cheeky."
7:27:28 > 7:27:30It's extraordinary. It's neck and neck.
7:27:30 > 7:27:34- By the time this comes out, it may be, I think, Corbyn's ahead.- Yep.
7:27:34 > 7:27:35Isn't that right, Adam?
7:27:35 > 7:27:38No, I can't tell you. We've been doing the election rehearsal, so...
7:27:38 > 7:27:40- Oh, right.- We know the result, but we can't...
7:27:40 > 7:27:42LAUGHTER
7:27:44 > 7:27:46What did Tim Farron have to say at the end of the debate?
7:27:46 > 7:27:49- He had a lot of gags, Tim Farron. - Did he?- Yeah.
7:27:49 > 7:27:53He did say, "If Mrs May can't spare the time for you,
7:27:53 > 7:27:55"you shouldn't spare the time for her."
7:27:55 > 7:27:57Shall we have a look?
7:27:57 > 7:27:59The Prime Minister is not here tonight.
7:27:59 > 7:28:02She can't be bothered, so why should you?
7:28:02 > 7:28:04In fact, Bake Off is on BBC Two next.
7:28:04 > 7:28:08Why not make yourself...why not make yourself a brew?
7:28:08 > 7:28:13You are not worth Theresa May's time, don't give her yours.
7:28:13 > 7:28:15- ADAM:- He's thinking about his next job.
7:28:15 > 7:28:17APPLAUSE
7:28:19 > 7:28:21Now I'm worried about the applause.
7:28:21 > 7:28:24Do we have a very biased BBC audience, do you think?
7:28:24 > 7:28:26It would be an outrage if we don't.
7:28:28 > 7:28:30I'm already worried that I've made too many jokes
7:28:30 > 7:28:32about Theresa May and not enough about Jeremy Corbyn.
7:28:32 > 7:28:34Mind you, you say a bad thing about Jeremy Corbyn,
7:28:34 > 7:28:37you get enough shit on the internet if you're not Jewish, so...
7:28:39 > 7:28:41..I think I'll leave it.
7:28:43 > 7:28:45They did both take part
7:28:45 > 7:28:48on Channel 4's The Battle For Number Ten, didn't they?
7:28:48 > 7:28:51- Yes.- What did Jeremy Corbyn have to say in that interview?
7:28:51 > 7:28:53Well, I think he said, "Why isn't Adam interviewing me?"
7:28:55 > 7:28:58- It was Sky, wasn't it?- No. - And Channel 4...
7:28:58 > 7:29:01- Oh, that was our thing, yeah.- Yeah.
7:29:03 > 7:29:06It's bad enough if the public aren't following the election,
7:29:06 > 7:29:08but if paid journalists aren't bothered...
7:29:08 > 7:29:11But we did it with Channel 4, it sort of seemed odd.
7:29:11 > 7:29:12- What was the question?- Well...
7:29:12 > 7:29:15LAUGHTER
7:29:15 > 7:29:17This is turning into a Corbyn impersonation.
7:29:17 > 7:29:20Well, I asked what Jeremy Corbyn said in the interview,
7:29:20 > 7:29:22but it might be quite difficult to remember.
7:29:22 > 7:29:24Shall we have a look at why?
7:29:24 > 7:29:25Yeah.
7:29:25 > 7:29:28- I'm horrified at the very idea... - You promised to renew...
7:29:28 > 7:29:31I'm horrified at the very idea of a nuclear attack...
7:29:31 > 7:29:32You promised to renew a nuclear weapon.
7:29:32 > 7:29:34What I want to see...
7:29:34 > 7:29:36I'm asking you perfectly simply, do you think it's morally right?
7:29:36 > 7:29:38What I want to see...
7:29:38 > 7:29:39A lot of manufacturing industry...
7:29:39 > 7:29:41- Haven't you done any sums? - Can I finish, please?
7:29:41 > 7:29:43Really, just for a second?
7:29:43 > 7:29:44No, I'm asking you for a figure.
7:29:44 > 7:29:46But this manifesto fundamentally...
7:29:46 > 7:29:49You're trying to persuade the Cabinet, the Shadow Cabinet...
7:29:49 > 7:29:50- Can I finish a sen...?- No.
7:29:50 > 7:29:51- I've said...- No.
7:29:55 > 7:29:58Did you enjoy that interviewing technique, as a viewer?
7:29:59 > 7:30:02Um... Not really, no.
7:30:02 > 7:30:06I believe you want to inform the public in interviews.
7:30:06 > 7:30:08I don't think we learned an awful lot from that interview.
7:30:08 > 7:30:10Do you think there were other, you know,
7:30:10 > 7:30:14- senior broadcasting journalists who could have done it better?- Um...
7:30:14 > 7:30:18How did the audience show their approval of Theresa May at the end?
7:30:18 > 7:30:20They let her live.
7:30:25 > 7:30:28They almost had a tiny, little... Not quite a Mexican wave.
7:30:28 > 7:30:31It was more like a sort of Mexican gesture, wasn't it?
7:30:31 > 7:30:32A Mexican gesture?
7:30:32 > 7:30:34They sort of stood up and went like that.
7:30:34 > 7:30:37- Is that a Mexican gesture?- Yeah.
7:30:37 > 7:30:39Did she not have a one-man standing ovation?
7:30:39 > 7:30:41- Would you like to see it? - Yeah, lovely.
7:30:41 > 7:30:44Theresa May, thank you very much. Thank you.
7:30:48 > 7:30:51LAUGHTER
7:30:53 > 7:30:56And the Scottish Labour leader, Kezia Dugdale,
7:30:56 > 7:30:58was given quite an unusual introduction
7:30:58 > 7:31:01by Sky News' Sophy Ridge, do you know what that was?
7:31:01 > 7:31:03Again, Adam, your channel.
7:31:04 > 7:31:06I was asleep at the time.
7:31:06 > 7:31:08You and the audience.
7:31:08 > 7:31:11- Oh, no, no. - APPLAUSE
7:31:13 > 7:31:14Let's have a look.
7:31:14 > 7:31:15Hello, again.
7:31:15 > 7:31:17We're live from the Glasgow Science Centre
7:31:17 > 7:31:19talking to all the party leaders north of the border.
7:31:19 > 7:31:22Joining us in our studio now is the leader of Scottish Labia...
7:31:22 > 7:31:24Labour, sorry. Kezia Dugdale.
7:31:33 > 7:31:36I think that's magnificent. More Labia leaders. That's what we need.
7:31:36 > 7:31:37That's what we need in public life.
7:31:37 > 7:31:40You would never make such a mistake, would you, Adam?
7:31:41 > 7:31:44Shall we watch you trying to read a front page headline of a newspaper?
7:31:44 > 7:31:46- Yeah, sure.- Yeah.
7:31:46 > 7:31:49On the USA Today money page, at the top there,
7:31:49 > 7:31:55"Wall Street rally ups Brexit-like erection... Election risk."
7:32:00 > 7:32:02APPLAUSE
7:32:02 > 7:32:05So you'll be wanting a hard Brexit, will you?
7:32:07 > 7:32:10I never knew I'd done that. One-track mind, you know...
7:32:10 > 7:32:12No wonder they keep you behind a desk!
7:32:15 > 7:32:18I'm afraid we don't have a clip this week of Diane Abbott
7:32:18 > 7:32:23getting figures wrong, but we have got Jeremy Corbyn on Woman's Hour.
7:32:23 > 7:32:25Just not getting the figures at all.
7:32:25 > 7:32:26Let's see.
7:32:26 > 7:32:30How much will it cost to provide un-means tested childcare
7:32:30 > 7:32:35- for 1.3 million children? - Em...it will cost, em...
7:32:35 > 7:32:38It will obviously cost a lot to do so.
7:32:38 > 7:32:40- I assume you have the figures? - Yes, I do.
7:32:40 > 7:32:41So how much will it cost?
7:32:41 > 7:32:43I'll give you the figure in a moment.
7:32:43 > 7:32:46- You don't know it?- Em...
7:32:46 > 7:32:49You're logging into your iPad here.
7:32:49 > 7:32:52That's a major policy, and you don't know how much it'll cost?
7:32:52 > 7:32:54Can I give you the exact figure in a moment?
7:32:54 > 7:32:57You're holding your manifesto, you're flicking through it,
7:32:57 > 7:32:59you've got an iPad there, you've had a phone call while we were in here,
7:32:59 > 7:33:02and you don't know how much it's going to cost.
7:33:02 > 7:33:04Can we come back to that in a moment?
7:33:04 > 7:33:07Anyone can lose the bit of paper... I mean, if you're a vicar,
7:33:07 > 7:33:08everyone expects you to be able
7:33:08 > 7:33:10to quote chapter and verse from the Bible,
7:33:10 > 7:33:13but you don't hold the information in that way.
7:33:13 > 7:33:16It's, "Thou shalt not commit adultery", you know?
7:33:18 > 7:33:20Tiny detail.
7:33:20 > 7:33:22The Gospel According To Shrek. I don't know...
7:33:24 > 7:33:27No, he was announcing the childcare plans.
7:33:27 > 7:33:30- Yeah, it was a big one. - It was that issue.
7:33:30 > 7:33:31So there were two things to remember -
7:33:31 > 7:33:33how many children and how much it cost.
7:33:33 > 7:33:37It was poor. I mean, it's difficult to spin it any other way.
7:33:37 > 7:33:39I've just heard that Theresa May has now pulled out of doing
7:33:39 > 7:33:41Woman's Hour herself.
7:33:41 > 7:33:43She has been replaced by Justine Greening.
7:33:43 > 7:33:45- What do you think of that? - That's in the same studio
7:33:45 > 7:33:47as Saturday Live.
7:33:47 > 7:33:48So I'll be detecting
7:33:48 > 7:33:52signs of nervousness on the seats when they go in.
7:33:53 > 7:33:54That's really disgusting.
7:33:56 > 7:33:58APPLAUSE
7:34:03 > 7:34:04It's another edition of
7:34:04 > 7:34:07I Didn't Know A Vicar Would Say That!
7:34:13 > 7:34:15- ADAM:- Do you usually sniff the seats?
7:34:15 > 7:34:17APPLAUSE
7:34:20 > 7:34:21This is the exciting news
7:34:21 > 7:34:23that the election campaign is nearly over.
7:34:23 > 7:34:25Theresa May warned that when it came to the EU,
7:34:25 > 7:34:26Jeremy Corbyn could find himself...
7:34:29 > 7:34:33Something only achieved once before by a rat-arsed Nigel Farage.
7:34:35 > 7:34:37During her interview with Jeremy Paxman,
7:34:37 > 7:34:39Theresa May insisted that what's needed to negotiate
7:34:39 > 7:34:41a successful Brexit is...
7:34:42 > 7:34:45Luckily, that's exactly what Germany has got.
7:34:47 > 7:34:51After Theresa May missed the debate, the Mirror referred to the absent Prime Minister as...
7:34:53 > 7:34:56You can order Chicken Theresa May in a restaurant near me.
7:34:56 > 7:35:00It's thin-skinned, boneless and refuses to be grilled.
7:35:00 > 7:35:02APPLAUSE
7:35:06 > 7:35:08- Paul and Richard, take a look at this.- Yes.
7:35:08 > 7:35:10Ah, yes, this is...
7:35:11 > 7:35:13Here he is, the bozo of the Western world.
7:35:13 > 7:35:17That's what his hair does at night when he goes to bed, collapses.
7:35:17 > 7:35:20This is... Oh, yes, he tweeted a word...
7:35:22 > 7:35:25It looks like a very incompetent logo for the Church of England.
7:35:26 > 7:35:29So, yes, this is Donald Trump and he's going to be, sort of...
7:35:29 > 7:35:32Because we're recording on Thursday night, round about now,
7:35:32 > 7:35:34he'll be announcing whether America are going to pull out
7:35:34 > 7:35:36of the, you know, climate change agreement.
7:35:36 > 7:35:38That's basically what it's about. Climate change.
7:35:38 > 7:35:41And executed with his traditional sleek statesmanship,
7:35:41 > 7:35:45as he greeted the Prime Minister of Montenegro, I think it was, with a friendly shove.
7:35:45 > 7:35:46Yeah.
7:35:47 > 7:35:49Would you support...? If somebody...?
7:35:49 > 7:35:51I mean, um...
7:35:51 > 7:35:53Is it right to hit him?
7:35:55 > 7:35:57APPLAUSE
7:35:57 > 7:35:59Just once. In the face.
7:36:00 > 7:36:02Just once.
7:36:02 > 7:36:04I might strongly advise him of the wisdom of turning the other cheek.
7:36:04 > 7:36:06If he'd like to try it a few times...
7:36:08 > 7:36:09I don't know.
7:36:09 > 7:36:12It's the climate change, the Paris Accord of 2015,
7:36:12 > 7:36:14the whole world, or nearly the whole world, signed up to it,
7:36:14 > 7:36:17and then Donald Trump thinks he's going to make America great again
7:36:17 > 7:36:21by making sure everybody ends up with a tan just like his.
7:36:21 > 7:36:23But not out of a bottle, Victoria.
7:36:24 > 7:36:27AUDIENCE OOHS
7:36:27 > 7:36:29Welcome to another edition of
7:36:29 > 7:36:32Who Would Have Thought A Priest Would Have Said That?
7:36:35 > 7:36:36I don't mean to be ungallant,
7:36:36 > 7:36:40but Victoria did reveal to us that she had splodged on...
7:36:40 > 7:36:42Slapped it on, straight out of a bottle.
7:36:42 > 7:36:43..as a tribute to Donald.
7:36:45 > 7:36:46- She's not going to rise to this. - I know.
7:36:46 > 7:36:49She's going to turn the other, lightly bronzed cheek.
7:36:51 > 7:36:53You don't understand! Everyone's orange on TV, now.
7:36:53 > 7:36:57- If you come on a normal colour, people think you're ill.- Exactly.
7:36:57 > 7:37:00So, this was the early hours of Wednesday morning, he tweeted...
7:37:06 > 7:37:07And left it at that.
7:37:07 > 7:37:09Do you think he was trying to spell "kerfuffle"?
7:37:09 > 7:37:11- No, coverage. - Coverage, it must be coverage.
7:37:11 > 7:37:13This is what somebody said on Twitter,
7:37:13 > 7:37:15they made a dictionary entry where they wrote...
7:37:23 > 7:37:25He sent out Sean Spicer, who is his spokesman,
7:37:25 > 7:37:29who is saying people who need to know know what that means.
7:37:32 > 7:37:34Did you see what the Eurostar did?
7:37:34 > 7:37:36They actually put up a sign on...
7:37:36 > 7:37:38The main Eurostar, officially, looked like this...
7:37:45 > 7:37:47APPLAUSE
7:37:47 > 7:37:49Back to the climate change agreement.
7:37:49 > 7:37:53There could be another reason why Trump pulled out of the Paris deal.
7:37:53 > 7:37:56Why is he annoyed with Europe particularly at the moment?
7:37:56 > 7:37:58NATO payments? Something to do with that?
7:37:58 > 7:38:01- That's what he SAYS it is. - What he says it is, but it's not.
7:38:01 > 7:38:04Well, the Scandinavians made fun of him...
7:38:04 > 7:38:06Is it Macron's handshake?
7:38:06 > 7:38:07They copied the orb.
7:38:07 > 7:38:10Yes. Let's have a look at the picture.
7:38:10 > 7:38:12These are the five leaders of
7:38:12 > 7:38:15Finland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden and Iceland.
7:38:15 > 7:38:17Literally, the leaders of those countries.
7:38:17 > 7:38:19World leaders are ganging up
7:38:19 > 7:38:22to take the piss out of the American president?
7:38:22 > 7:38:23It's brilliant!
7:38:23 > 7:38:26- There was a nice little... - When are they going to punch him?
7:38:29 > 7:38:33And you mentioned earlier, Ian - what did Macron do
7:38:33 > 7:38:35to try and beat Trump in the public eye?
7:38:35 > 7:38:38Oh, well, Trump does this thing of grabbing people's hands,
7:38:38 > 7:38:41other world leaders, really hard, and, you know,
7:38:41 > 7:38:42giving them a bit of a shock.
7:38:42 > 7:38:45And Macron's been in the gym for years.
7:38:45 > 7:38:47So he literally said, "I'm going to get him,"
7:38:47 > 7:38:49so when he got his hand, Macron went...
7:38:49 > 7:38:50HE GROANS
7:38:50 > 7:38:54And he wouldn't let it go, and Trump was...
7:38:55 > 7:38:57He was completely crushed.
7:38:57 > 7:39:01It occurred to me that Donald Trump is famous for grabbing things that aren't just hands.
7:39:01 > 7:39:04Trying to, kind of, just... "Thank you."
7:39:04 > 7:39:07According to CNN, how did Trump sum up his first foreign trip?
7:39:07 > 7:39:09"Where the fuck am I?"
7:39:11 > 7:39:14APPLAUSE
7:39:14 > 7:39:16According to CNN...
7:39:22 > 7:39:25What has Nigel Farage recently become?
7:39:28 > 7:39:30Pleasingly obsolete?
7:39:31 > 7:39:35APPLAUSE
7:39:35 > 7:39:37This audience is so biased!
7:39:38 > 7:39:41He has become a person of interest in the FBI...
7:39:41 > 7:39:44I know! Difficult to imagine.
7:39:45 > 7:39:47In the FBI inquiry?
7:39:47 > 7:39:50- Is exactly right. - They're worried that Farage...
7:39:51 > 7:39:54..was a bearer of discreet secrets to the Russians.
7:39:56 > 7:39:58- SLURRING:- I'll have another one of them!
7:39:59 > 7:40:02You got to know America and Trumpland pretty well,
7:40:02 > 7:40:04didn't you, Adam, whilst you travelled in America?
7:40:04 > 7:40:07Shall we see you getting to know the American voters
7:40:07 > 7:40:08on election night last year?
7:40:08 > 7:40:11- Why not?- Let's see...
7:40:11 > 7:40:12- Cheers to you.- Cheers.
7:40:12 > 7:40:14Splendid.
7:40:15 > 7:40:17And do join me for...
7:40:20 > 7:40:23..our special programme tomorrow night, that's at midnight.
7:40:23 > 7:40:26I'll be speaking, amongst others, to Bernie Sanders.
7:40:26 > 7:40:29And, of course, full coverage of the...
7:40:29 > 7:40:31..of the inauguration on Friday.
7:40:33 > 7:40:36APPLAUSE
7:40:40 > 7:40:43This is Donald Trump's rejection of the Paris climate change agreement.
7:40:43 > 7:40:47Also this week, Trump attacked the Germans over trade.
7:40:51 > 7:40:53He's happy to import some expensive European models,
7:40:53 > 7:40:54but only his wives.
7:40:57 > 7:40:59Round Two, now, and we couldn't really be bothered
7:40:59 > 7:41:01to think of anything original, so, Richard,
7:41:01 > 7:41:03we've just copied your Big Painting Challenge.
7:41:03 > 7:41:05Welcome to the Big News Painting Challenge.
7:41:05 > 7:41:08- This sounds exciting. - What news story is being painted?
7:41:08 > 7:41:10- Ooh! - Fingers on buzzers, teams.
7:41:12 > 7:41:13BUZZER
7:41:13 > 7:41:15Paul and Richard?
7:41:15 > 7:41:17I sort of have to declare an interest, here,
7:41:17 > 7:41:19but this is the interesting...
7:41:19 > 7:41:20- ADAM:- It's a church.
7:41:20 > 7:41:23- RICHARD:- ..invention of a robot priest in Germany.
7:41:23 > 7:41:27Quite how effective as a dispenser of sacraments, remains to be seen.
7:41:27 > 7:41:29Well, shall we have a look at the priest in action?
7:41:29 > 7:41:31IN GERMAN:
7:41:56 > 7:41:59APPLAUSE
7:42:02 > 7:42:05What name do you think they've given this robot priest?
7:42:05 > 7:42:07- Vater?- It's called...
7:42:10 > 7:42:12According to a German newspaper...
7:42:18 > 7:42:19Do you feel threatened, Richard?
7:42:19 > 7:42:22- Uh... - PAUL LAUGHS
7:42:22 > 7:42:24I have to say, did rather a more efficient job
7:42:24 > 7:42:26than some of the clergy of my acquaintance, but...
7:42:26 > 7:42:30Actually, I think in canon law, you can't... Robots aren't allowed.
7:42:30 > 7:42:32I think when it comes to the dispensing of sacraments,
7:42:32 > 7:42:35you have to be at least a human.
7:42:36 > 7:42:39In the Church of England, now you can be a woman too!
7:42:39 > 7:42:40- Yeah. - LIGHT CHEERING
7:42:40 > 7:42:43This is the robot priest which gives out automatic blessings.
7:42:43 > 7:42:45It's rumoured that the Anglican Church in the UK
7:42:45 > 7:42:46is working on a similar model
7:42:46 > 7:42:48called C of E-3PO.
7:42:50 > 7:42:52Fingers on buzzers, teams.
7:42:55 > 7:42:56BUZZER
7:42:56 > 7:42:59- Paul and Richard. - Now, this may be a tribute
7:42:59 > 7:43:01to the late, great John Noakes. There he is.
7:43:01 > 7:43:04That's the footage they showed earlier this week.
7:43:04 > 7:43:06I remember seeing it at the time when I was at school.
7:43:06 > 7:43:10He's climbing up Nelson's Column long before health and safety.
7:43:10 > 7:43:14Essentially, he's climbing up a ladder that's tied to Nelson.
7:43:14 > 7:43:16It was incredible bravery, wasn't it?
7:43:16 > 7:43:20At this level, the plinth on which Nelson stands overhangs the column.
7:43:20 > 7:43:23I found myself literally hanging from the ladder
7:43:23 > 7:43:25with nothing at all beneath me.
7:43:25 > 7:43:27You told me there was overhang,
7:43:27 > 7:43:29but you didn't tell me it leant to one side, did you?
7:43:29 > 7:43:31No. That was the awkward part.
7:43:34 > 7:43:37There's a cameraman up there with him as well,
7:43:37 > 7:43:40with a great big camera, and maybe even a sound guy. I mean, it's...
7:43:40 > 7:43:42- They've all climbed up.- Yes.
7:43:42 > 7:43:43There was a sound guy.
7:43:43 > 7:43:47- But unfortunately...- Yeah? - ..the sound engineer
7:43:47 > 7:43:49didn't record sound the first time he went up.
7:43:49 > 7:43:52He had to do it again. LAUGHTER
7:43:52 > 7:43:56What happened when John Noakes and a few other Blue Peter presenters
7:43:56 > 7:43:57opened a time capsule?
7:43:57 > 7:44:01BUZZER
7:44:01 > 7:44:03This was one of the landmark experiences of my life.
7:44:03 > 7:44:05- When I was a child... - LAUGHTER
7:44:05 > 7:44:07Seriously, in 1971...
7:44:07 > 7:44:09Yeah, forget the call to the priesthood!
7:44:09 > 7:44:11LAUGHTER
7:44:11 > 7:44:14Forget that moment of divine revelation.
7:44:18 > 7:44:20It's why I do this now!
7:44:20 > 7:44:24They buried a time capsule in 1971, the most exciting thing ever.
7:44:24 > 7:44:27And I realised in the year 2000 when they dug it up and they opened it
7:44:27 > 7:44:29and they just turned it up
7:44:29 > 7:44:32and this kind of brown sludge just poured out!
7:44:32 > 7:44:34And, I don't know, it was not a good...
7:44:34 > 7:44:37It had all got wet, hadn't it?
7:44:37 > 7:44:38A last brilliant John Noakes story.
7:44:38 > 7:44:42What happened when he'd had a bobsleigh accident
7:44:42 > 7:44:45and he wanted to show the bruises on camera?
7:44:45 > 7:44:47- He showed his underpants or something.- Sort of.
7:44:47 > 7:44:51John Noakes himself told the story that when he took off his trousers
7:44:51 > 7:44:53to show the bruises, he noticed that he was wearing...
7:44:56 > 7:44:59That he'd put on by accident in the dark that morning.
7:44:59 > 7:45:02Oh, yes(!)
7:45:02 > 7:45:04How easy that is to do(!)
7:45:04 > 7:45:07This is the passing of one of the nation's favourite TV presenters,
7:45:07 > 7:45:09the great John Noakes. "Get down, Shep"
7:45:09 > 7:45:12became one of Blue Peter's most famous catchphrases
7:45:12 > 7:45:13along with "here's one I made earlier"
7:45:13 > 7:45:17and "one of our presenters, Richard, has done a very naughty thing".
7:45:19 > 7:45:22Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Just one between you this week.
7:45:22 > 7:45:23Your four are...
7:45:23 > 7:45:25Prince Harry, Tybalt,
7:45:25 > 7:45:26a dishwasher
7:45:26 > 7:45:28and Charles Darwin.
7:45:28 > 7:45:30- BUZZER - It's an exam question.
7:45:30 > 7:45:35Tybalt was wrongly identified as a member of the Montague household
7:45:35 > 7:45:36- in a GCSE English exam.- Ah, yes.
7:45:36 > 7:45:39- Whereas in fact he was a Capulet. - Yes.
7:45:39 > 7:45:42And these poor students were asked "Why did Tybalt hate the Capulets?"
7:45:42 > 7:45:44Which he didn't, because they were his own family.
7:45:44 > 7:45:46- And what's the odd one out? - Dishwashers...
7:45:47 > 7:45:50LAUGHTER
7:45:50 > 7:45:52It's recently been revealed that dishwashers
7:45:52 > 7:45:55- are very good at washing, erm... - Dishes?
7:45:55 > 7:45:57No, no, no!
7:45:57 > 7:46:00The answer is that dishwashers were also on the exam paper.
7:46:00 > 7:46:02And so was Darwin. This is all in the last month.
7:46:02 > 7:46:06There was a geography paper which asked students about dishwashers
7:46:06 > 7:46:10and they said they'd been preparing for things like climate change, and
7:46:10 > 7:46:16similarly, I think it was a biology paper, and the question was...
7:46:16 > 7:46:19Why had he been drawn like a monkey? In a cartoon.
7:46:19 > 7:46:22And they thought because the reason why he was drawn like a monkey
7:46:22 > 7:46:25was because he had written the Evolu... You know, the...
7:46:25 > 7:46:27- Theory Of Evolution? - The Origin Of Species.
7:46:27 > 7:46:30- RICHARD:- It will never catch on.
7:46:30 > 7:46:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:46:34 > 7:46:38- And then... Prince Harry is the odd one out.- Why?
7:46:38 > 7:46:44Because they were using his voice in Germany for an English aural exam
7:46:44 > 7:46:47and they decided he didn't speak the Queen's English.
7:46:47 > 7:46:48LAUGHTER
7:46:48 > 7:46:52He was dropped from the German aural exam, there you are.
7:46:52 > 7:46:56That's right. They were all... CHEERING
7:46:57 > 7:47:01They've all been the subject of controversial exam questions
7:47:01 > 7:47:03apart from Prince Harry, one of whose speeches
7:47:03 > 7:47:06featured in an exam question but nobody could understand it.
7:47:06 > 7:47:08What was wrong with Harry's speech?
7:47:08 > 7:47:09Well, I suppose, if it was for Germans,
7:47:09 > 7:47:12if you're going, "OK, yah..." it's not a translation, is it?
7:47:12 > 7:47:15LAUGHTER It's... It's not that the...
7:47:16 > 7:47:20The problem with Harry's speech is that he muttered and mumbled so much
7:47:20 > 7:47:22that thousands of students...
7:47:23 > 7:47:25The geography students, as you say, were cross
7:47:25 > 7:47:27because they were asked about dishwashers.
7:47:27 > 7:47:29They weren't expecting it.
7:47:29 > 7:47:31- Do you know what the question was?- Water.
7:47:31 > 7:47:33Yeah. LAUGHTER
7:47:33 > 7:47:35That's a tough question! Water question!
7:47:35 > 7:47:36No, it was something like...
7:47:36 > 7:47:39"More people are using dishwashers, why is more water being used?"
7:47:39 > 7:47:42- Yeah.- And what percentage of the UK population
7:47:42 > 7:47:44owned dishwashers in 2001?
7:47:44 > 7:47:46Er... Oh, it's on my laptop, er...
7:47:46 > 7:47:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:47:52 > 7:47:54"27% of the UK population owned dishwashers in 2001,
7:47:54 > 7:47:56"and 40% in 2010.
7:47:56 > 7:47:59"Outline why the demand for water is likely to increase in the future."
7:47:59 > 7:48:02And, yes, in the GCSE biology exam, students were shown this drawing
7:48:02 > 7:48:06of Charles Darwin as a monkey and they didn't really understand why.
7:48:06 > 7:48:08One student tweeted...
7:48:14 > 7:48:17Tybalt, as you say, the question paper asked why did
7:48:17 > 7:48:19he hate the Capulets and he didn't, he was a Capulet.
7:48:19 > 7:48:20As Shakespeare himself said...
7:48:22 > 7:48:24Or as the exam board put it...
7:48:28 > 7:48:31Another criticism of the GCSE English exam was that
7:48:31 > 7:48:34it focused less on Romeo and Juliet and more on the characters...
7:48:36 > 7:48:39One student has no problem with that question, tweeting...
7:48:42 > 7:48:45LAUGHTER
7:48:46 > 7:48:48Time now for the Missing Words Round,
7:48:48 > 7:48:50which this week features as its guest publication
7:48:50 > 7:48:53Oil Installer, the magazine of the heating industry.
7:48:53 > 7:48:58- That looks like my local priest! - LAUGHTER
7:48:58 > 7:48:59And we start with...
7:49:02 > 7:49:04- RICHARD:- I must get out more instead.
7:49:05 > 7:49:08If anyone gets this, I'll give you £100 of my own money.
7:49:08 > 7:49:09OK, right, here we go!
7:49:11 > 7:49:14I look forward to the arrival of Oil Installer Magazine but...
7:49:14 > 7:49:18I wish you had more colour photographs to indicate
7:49:18 > 7:49:21the wide-ranging aspects of our industry.
7:49:21 > 7:49:23- The opposite!- I look forward...
7:49:23 > 7:49:24I give you £100.
7:49:25 > 7:49:26The answer is...
7:49:32 > 7:49:33Next...
7:49:36 > 7:49:39- Theresa May. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
7:49:42 > 7:49:44The answer is...
7:49:47 > 7:49:49This is the faceless fish that was spotted this week
7:49:49 > 7:49:51for the first time in Australia since 1873.
7:49:51 > 7:49:54According to the scientist who found the fish...
7:49:56 > 7:49:59I think what you found there, mate, is a stick.
7:50:00 > 7:50:01Next...
7:50:02 > 7:50:04- RICHARD:- Covfefe!
7:50:07 > 7:50:09Dirty.
7:50:09 > 7:50:10Oil!
7:50:10 > 7:50:13Oil: no longer a dirty word.
7:50:13 > 7:50:15According to Oil Installer, oil is no longer a dirty word.
7:50:15 > 7:50:17Well, that depends on your point of view.
7:50:17 > 7:50:19For some, oil is refined. For others, it's crude.
7:50:21 > 7:50:22And finally...
7:50:25 > 7:50:27- ADAM:- Fly short distances.
7:50:27 > 7:50:28- RICHARD:- Cluck longer.
7:50:28 > 7:50:31PAUL LAUGHS
7:50:34 > 7:50:37Scientist revealed this week that birds with small brains are
7:50:37 > 7:50:41associated with promiscuity, with females being the guiltiest of all.
7:50:41 > 7:50:42According to the research...
7:50:44 > 7:50:46Followed by the guillemot, while the common shag
7:50:46 > 7:50:49was what they called the sparrow who lived opposite.
7:50:50 > 7:50:53So, the final scores are Ian and Adam with six,
7:50:53 > 7:50:55Paul and Richard with seven. APPLAUSE
7:50:55 > 7:50:57Congratulations, sir. Well done.
7:50:57 > 7:50:59It's just rigged.
7:50:59 > 7:51:00Definitely rigged.
7:51:05 > 7:51:07And I leave you with news that in Brussels,
7:51:07 > 7:51:10as world leaders gather for a photo opportunity, Theresa May insists
7:51:10 > 7:51:14that the UK and United States still have a special relationship.
7:51:16 > 7:51:18LAUGHTER
7:51:24 > 7:51:25In Central London,
7:51:25 > 7:51:28there's the unusual sight of a Lib Dem celebrating victory.
7:51:31 > 7:51:34On the campaign trail, one man's attempt to convince the electorate
7:51:34 > 7:51:37that he is strong on defence doesn't go as planned.
7:51:41 > 7:51:43And following her failure to win the French presidency,
7:51:43 > 7:51:46Marine Le Pen's head of security assures her
7:51:46 > 7:51:48that her campaign manager has been dealt with.
7:51:54 > 7:51:55Good night.