0:00:04 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Good evening.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49I'm Adil Ray.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51In the news this week, in Surrey, one man reluctantly heeds
0:00:51 > 0:01:00the call to serve the nation in Theresa May's government.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03As the mayor of Watford drives into work, he's berated by an angry
0:01:03 > 0:01:13resident who's been campaigning against badly placed
0:01:14 > 0:01:15street signage.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And footage has emerged from Pippa Middleton's wedding
0:01:18 > 0:01:20which reveals that it was unwise of her to sneak away from
0:01:20 > 0:01:28the reception for a quiet lie down.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32On Ian's team tonight is a very funny comedian.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36But more importantly he's another non-white face.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Well, it's the end of the series and the show was a bit down
0:01:39 > 0:01:40on its diversity quotas.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Please welcome, Phil Wang.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And with Paul tonight, a Labour MP who said
0:01:50 > 0:01:52after last week's election, it's clear the Tories
0:01:52 > 0:01:53are the losers.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55And they were.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Except in terms of vote share, number of seats
0:01:58 > 0:02:01and who won the election.
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Please welcome, Angela Eagle, MP. APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:08And we start with Ian and Phil.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Take a look at this.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16That's Theresa May, leaving the country.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17That's the head of the Unionists.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Michael Gove, out of the doghouse.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Yes. And back in again.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Jeremy Corbyn, having his cake and eating it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:30This must be the humiliating victory of the Tories.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Who I believe are still in power, but by the time of the repeat
0:02:33 > 0:02:35they probably aren't.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36They're trying to stitch up a deal.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Or form a coalition.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40As I think it's formally known.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's quite a complex process.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46You go in with a big bag of money and you say, would you like it?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49And they say, no, we'd like some more.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And this takes days.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53But it may well be over.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Is it over? No, it's not over.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57It's not over? Good.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59They've said it's an ongoing thing, they've set the date
0:02:59 > 0:03:03of the Queen's Speech.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Meanwhile, the DUP, who let's face it,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07are the Wahhabists of Protestantism.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Is that right, is that factually correct?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Yes, it's absolutely correct.
0:03:12 > 0:03:18I'm your average socially liberal, lesbian, feminist, vegetarian,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21humanist, who's in a civil partnership with a catholic.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And, obviously, I'm looking forward to this DUP alliance
0:03:23 > 0:03:24with a great deal of...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:29They're not the only ones who tried to do a deal
0:03:29 > 0:03:30with the DUP, are they?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I mean, Labour had a bit of a go. Gordon Brown was quite keen.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34We had a little word.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36You had a little word, didn't you?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39But the arithmetic, it was wrong.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I'm just checking there is no humbug involved in this.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43The Queen's Speech has been delayed.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Two days. For the first time in history.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Yes. And the Queen's going to miss Ascot.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Oh no!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Exactly.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Proper sympathy at this time.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55She was favourite to win the 330 on Wednesday.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:04:00You know, they're going to have to ditch so much of the manifesto,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I don't think the Queen's Speech is going to last very long.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06It will just be about her royal visits this year.
0:04:06 > 0:04:06Which ones are they?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Well, Trump's not coming any more.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Is he?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11CHEERING
0:04:11 > 0:04:13No, I think he should come. It's spoiling our fun.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:18The world's clown should come and see us.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21We can laugh as much as anybody else.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Now, whatever the deal is, we mustn't call it a coalition,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26apparently, why is that?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Well, the Tories said that if people didn't vote for them,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31there would be a coalition of chaos.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35An alliteration is one of the things you've really got to watch out for.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Well, the idea of calling it a coalition, it upset one Tory MP
0:04:38 > 0:04:40by the name of Robert Syms.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42As you can see from this Twitter exchange.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43This is from youlittlequilt on Twitter.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45It says:
0:04:51 > 0:04:54And here's Robert Syms' reply:
0:04:56 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:01OK, and talking of leaders.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02So, Arlene Foster.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Yes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Look familiar to anyone?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Yes, I've had to take legal proceedings, in fact,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12because in the current issue of Private Eye they've compared
0:05:12 > 0:05:17the leader of the DUP to a much beloved family entertainer.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Let's have a look.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:25APPLAUSE
0:05:25 > 0:05:28There's very little similarity, and it's barely libellous.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I sued you once.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Did you? Did you win?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Yeah.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37As though I didn't know...
0:05:37 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Was the settlement a year's subscription to Private Eye?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So, what are the things we know about the DUP?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47They're against evolution.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50They're biblical literalists.
0:05:50 > 0:05:57One of their early slogans, save Ulster from sodomy.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's no worse than strong and stable.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Come on.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Helpfully, someone on Twitter called Pearly Queen tweeted this.
0:06:15 > 0:06:21DUP is actually the noise you make when you Google the DUP.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Theresa May has learned her lesson about how she presents
0:06:23 > 0:06:25herself, hasn't she?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28She wouldn't do that slightly annoying thing of not answering
0:06:28 > 0:06:31a question and just repeating the same phrases over and over.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Would she?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33No.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I'm pleased that people from across the party have agreed
0:06:36 > 0:06:39to serve in my cabinet and we're going to be getting
0:06:39 > 0:06:41on with the job of government.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43A cabinet that will get on with the job of government.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Bringing that talent together to ensure that we can
0:06:45 > 0:06:47get on with the job.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52But what I'm doing now is actually getting on with the immediate job.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53How are you feeling?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I imagine you are feeling rather shell-shocked.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58What I'm feeling is that, actually, there's a job to be done.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01And I think what the public want is to ensure that the government
0:07:01 > 0:07:03is getting on with that job.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06This is a government getting on with the job.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09It's kind of sad, no one's turned up to her dinner party, though.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:16There was a very strange word in there, did you see that?
0:07:16 > 0:07:17She said talent.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21How desperate are you when you reappoint Michael Gove?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Did you see what Tom Watson said?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Is this the deputy leader of the Labour Party?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28That Tom Watson, yes.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Tom Watson alleges Gove was brought back on Rupert
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Murdoch's instructions.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35He's written a formal letter to Theresa May saying:
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Well, Gove was writing for The Times.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51And, you know, if you owned the paper, you'd be
0:07:51 > 0:07:52desperate to get rid of him.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:58APPLAUSE
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Is that a professional editor's view you're giving us there?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04The number of people I've put into the Cabinet...
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Bloody hell.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Tom Watson sent a letter? Yes.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Politicians must be the only people writing letters still.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Is that why stuff takes so long to get done?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Can they not just e-mail?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21No, it has to be written on vellum.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:26What is that? It's goat's skin.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29It's like very very classy Basildon Bond notepaper.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32OK, you've confused me more now.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It's like Snapchat with animal skin.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Boris Johnson, he's, of course, delighted
0:08:41 > 0:08:43with Michael Gove's return.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Did you see what he said?
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Was it not true?
0:08:46 > 0:08:52Well, he tweeted:
0:08:52 > 0:09:00Which is Boris speak for, I hope you die.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02So, Angela, you're a big fan of Boris, aren't you?
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Great fan of Boris.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Yes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Well, let's have a look at Angela assessing his credentials.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Just after the referendum campaign.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Oh, Boris is fun, he's great, isn't he, bouncing around,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15sort of going to be the next Prime Minister.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17And all of that.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20And they never actually put him...
0:09:20 > 0:09:23They've just made him Foreign Secretary.
0:09:23 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I thought there might be lip readers in the audience.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I was going to ask you that.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40What did you say when you turned round?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43That's unrepeatable on a family show.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45So, we saw Theresa May, saying she's getting on with her job.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48What else does she have to do to convince voters?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Oh, she had to sack her advisers.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52This was a London resident.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Let's take a look.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Theresa May said on the steps of Downing Street when she became
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Prime Minister, she talked about the under privileged,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02those who had a sense of burning injustice.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Has Theresa May ever been to Aldi?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Has she ever been Lidl?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06In her life.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Let's be real.
0:10:07 > 0:10:14If she can tell me what Lidl looks like from the inside, I'll listen
0:10:14 > 0:10:16to what Theresa May's got to say.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I think it's a fair point. Angela, have you been inside Lidl?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Yep.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Can you tell us what it looks like? Well, it's a supermarket.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27But what kind of supermarket? Tell us.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Well, it's a kind of Italian...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Isn't it Italian or Spanish?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34I think it's German, isn't it?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35German, a German supermarket.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I think if I saw Theresa May in Lidl, I'd feel less
0:10:38 > 0:10:38confident about the country.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:44APPLAUSE
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Looking at the whole Conservative election campaign,
0:10:46 > 0:10:51was it a debacle, a catostrophe...
0:10:51 > 0:10:52A catastrophe or a shambles?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53A catostrophe!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54There were a lot of tossers involved.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:57All of those things. All of those?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Absolutely all.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02It was the worst election campaign I think I've ever seen anybody run.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03What, including yours to challenge Jeremy?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:10APPLAUSE
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Sue him, sue him right now!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16To be fair, mine didn't last as long as this did.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17No, no.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20And I didn't have Lynton Crosby's extremely expensive advice.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22No, no, clearly.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:28So were you thrilled when the exit poll came out?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Did you think, yes, Jeremy, you proved me absolutely wrong?
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Well done.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I was thrilled.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37But I think everyone was astonished. On all sides.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39And I thought, well, I think I'll get down to the count
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and see what's going on.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Well, where were you?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Well, normally at the end of an election campaign you dash
0:11:50 > 0:11:53home because you've been up for 17 hours and you've knocked
0:11:53 > 0:11:55on as many doors as you can, you're absolutely exhausted.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57You go home, you have a quick bath.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58You get your suit on.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You turn on the telly to see what the exit poll is,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04so you can see what the result is actually going to be.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08And then you digest that for a bit and then you go to your own count
0:12:08 > 0:12:09to see what's happening.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10How do you have a quick bath?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Well, you have to.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Baths take ages.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:16The rest I understood...
0:12:16 > 0:12:20LAUGHTER
0:12:20 > 0:12:23How have the Europeans reacted to the confusion
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and uncertainty in Britain?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Hasn't Macron offered to let us back in?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31He said, you can just drop it, "Just drop it all now.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34We all feel so sorry for you".
0:12:34 > 0:12:37We'll have to wait and see what this strong and stable
0:12:37 > 0:12:40government we've got, that's just about to start
0:12:40 > 0:12:43the Brexit negotiations next week, is going to do.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46But let's face it, she's taken over a week to try to negotiate
0:12:46 > 0:12:47with ten DUP members.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:51APPLAUSE
0:12:51 > 0:12:53And they all speak English.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Did anyone see how Macron tricked Theresa May into looking
0:12:59 > 0:13:01a bit stupid this week?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Yeah, the Mexican wave thing.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05At the France England game.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Yeah, he lured her into a Mexican wave.
0:13:07 > 0:13:15Let's have a look.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:23France beat England 3-2 that game, but Jeremy Corbyn is claiming it
0:13:23 > 0:13:28as a great victory for England.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Macron did also say to Theresa May that the door is always open.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32The dirty devil.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34She's in the age range, though, isn't she?
0:13:34 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Yes, this is Theresa May remaining in No 10 with her job
0:13:47 > 0:13:49being to unite the country.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52It's not clear to the Conservatives how Labour managed to get so many
0:13:52 > 0:13:53young people to vote for them.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56An issue which will be thoroughly examined by the 1922 Committee.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00LAUGHTER
0:14:00 > 0:14:02According to The Guardian, at the first meeting of Labour
0:14:02 > 0:14:04MPs since the election, Jeremy Corbyn was greeted
0:14:04 > 0:14:06with cheers, a 45 second ovation and desk banging.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Which no one in Labour has done since John Prescott
0:14:09 > 0:14:10and his secretary.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12LAUGHTER
0:14:12 > 0:14:15With an eye to future success, Jeremy Corbyn has carried
0:14:15 > 0:14:17out his important reshuffle.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19There were few surprises, although he did move
0:14:19 > 0:14:21the marrows to a sunnier patch, plant more tomatoes
0:14:21 > 0:14:25and scatter some slug pellets.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Someone from the allotment.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Jeremy will be back on Tuesday.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Paul and Angela, take a look at this.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Yes.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Yes, this is a man with an ear trumpet.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Fondue.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Fondue.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Cheese.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Cheese.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Cheese.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Scientists have discovered that cheese can help restore hearing,
0:14:50 > 0:14:56that's what the theory is.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58So the US Army are testing this by force-feeding some
0:14:58 > 0:15:01of their troops Stilton and Cheddar to see whether it mitigates
0:15:01 > 0:15:04the hearing loss from standing next to those very loud explosions that
0:15:04 > 0:15:06you tend to get when you're in the Armed Forces.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Does it work?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Don't know, they're testing it!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13The fact is, they're testing everything, alphabetically.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Now we're on cheese.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Next week, it'll be Dalmatians.
0:15:16 > 0:15:22How does cheese cure deafness, what's the...?
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Well, has it's been certain that it does?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26There some kind of enzyme or some...
0:15:26 > 0:15:27thing in cheese that helps.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You're such an expert, how do you know so much on this?
0:15:30 > 0:15:31It's...
0:15:31 > 0:15:34When you've been a minister and an MP for so long...
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Cheese!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I was the Minister for Allotments.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Were you?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42You pick up vast amounts of irrelevant information.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Hang on, you were Minister for Allotments?
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46What did that involve doing?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Winning World War II!
0:15:50 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:52So, how does cheese cure deafness?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Cheese contains a chemical compound which seems to protect
0:15:56 > 0:15:59against and even reverse the damage to nerve cells in the ear caused
0:15:59 > 0:16:00by loud noises, apparently.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02But what's the problem with this cure?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04There is a problem with it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06You have to eat a lot of cheese.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07A hell of a lot of cheese.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10That's absolutely right, you do have to eat a lot
0:16:10 > 0:16:11of it to do any good.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13About 5 lbs of cheese, in fact.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14A day or an hour?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Well, you tell me, you were Minister of Cheese or whatever it was!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20This would suggest no one in France is deaf.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Which I'm not sure is true.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Now, another politician who used to be interested
0:16:28 > 0:16:30in cheese was former Minister for the Environment, secretary,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32former Justice Secretary, now Chief Secretary to the Treasury Liz
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Truss.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Yes.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Let's remind ourselves.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Yeah.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41That speech.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43We import two thirds of our cheese.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46That is a disgrace.
0:16:46 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:54It's like Morecambe and Wise, I just want
0:16:54 > 0:16:58it on all the time!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02This is the news that cheese may improve your hearing.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05As part of the experiment, American soldiers are going to be supplied
0:17:05 > 0:17:06with large chunks of Parmesan.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09That's one way to make America "grate" again.
0:17:09 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Also this week, the inventor of the
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Hawaiian pizza has died.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23It was a very emotionally-charged funeral.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Papa John was crying his eyes out and as always, Sloppy Giuseppe
0:17:26 > 0:17:27was a complete mess.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29And so to Round 2, the picture spin quiz.
0:17:29 > 0:17:35Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39BUZZER.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43This is Donald Trump's Cabinet meeting in which he's instructed
0:17:43 > 0:17:45them all to praise him, one by one, and say
0:17:45 > 0:17:49what a great job he's doing.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It's the eeriest thing you've ever seen.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52It's really gross.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Let's have a look.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Mr President, it's my privilege to be here.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Deeply honoured.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03I want to thank you for keeping your commitment to the American workers.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I want to thank you for getting this country moving again
0:18:05 > 0:18:10and also working again.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12We thank you for the opportunity and the blessing you've given us,
0:18:12 > 0:18:14to serve your agenda.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Thank you, Mr President.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It was a great honour, travelling with you around
0:18:17 > 0:18:20the country for the last year and an even greater honour to be
0:18:20 > 0:18:21here serving in your cabinet.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24GROANS FROM AUDIENCE.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It's like everyone's made Donald cry at his birthday party
0:18:27 > 0:18:33and the parents have forced them to sit down and say sorry.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Do you think they're watching that in North Korea going, "Oh,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38that's a bit sycophantic!"?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40What's been the latest development in the Russia
0:18:40 > 0:18:41enquiry regarding Trump?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44They're getting closer!
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Step-by-step, the whiff of Trump is in the air.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51As his minions are slowly pushed aside, they will find one very sad
0:18:51 > 0:18:55fuckwit on a golden throne.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Crying at images of himself as he realises the world has
0:18:59 > 0:19:01completely misunderstood him.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03That's exactly the right answer, well done!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:08It's going to happen.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Donald Trump is to be probed...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Yes.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I hope they have a running start for whoever does it!
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Hundred yards.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21..for obstruction of justice is what they're calling it.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Finally, yet another leader of a country has been openly
0:19:24 > 0:19:26mocking Donald Trump.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, what's he been doing?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33He did a sort of impression of him but he didn't know
0:19:33 > 0:19:34he was being filmed.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36He did an impression of Donald Trump and everyone laughed
0:19:36 > 0:19:37and now he's in trouble.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Yes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41He did an impression of the summit.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44He did it at a meeting full of journalists...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Suggests he hasn't been Prime Minister very long.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Or he's very proud of his impression?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Indeed.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Wanted to get it out there.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Shall we take a look?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Yeah, go on then.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You see, that's a straightforward libel.
0:20:25 > 0:20:31LAUGHTER
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Yes, this is another event-filled week for
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Donald Trump and his family.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36According to the Sun, Donald Trump convened a meeting
0:20:36 > 0:20:42in which his entire cabinet had to spend 11 minutes praising him.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44It's what's commonly known in the White House as orange-nosing.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52BUZZER.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54This is a wildlife documentary.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58This is an iguana running away from snakes.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02It was a very brilliantly photographed bit of footage
0:21:02 > 0:21:04and you've got to spend hours, months, weekends, days
0:21:04 > 0:21:10trying to get this stuff.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12And somebody complained because of a cutaway to another
0:21:12 > 0:21:15iguana, a sort of close-up thing and they said this is cheating
0:21:15 > 0:21:17somehow, as if you can make an iguana, "Sorry,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20love, we missed that, can we do it again?"
0:21:20 > 0:21:21So, I don't understand why people are confused
0:21:21 > 0:21:22about how films are made.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25There was a stunt double iguana, is that what...?
0:21:25 > 0:21:26No.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Oh.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28There wasn't.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30That's why I didn't use the word stunt double iguana.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31LAUGHTER
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It was one iguana filmed being chased by snakes and then
0:21:34 > 0:21:36they had perhaps a close-up of an iguana looking happy
0:21:36 > 0:21:37and that was another iguana.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38But it was...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:42And I the only one who finds it incredibly
0:21:42 > 0:21:45simple to understand?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48We've got an iguana now, but that one's not the same one!
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Bin it!
0:21:49 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:52How could they tell it wasn't the same iguana?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Well, because, maybe it had a hat on or something, I don't know.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"Up the Gunners", I don't know.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I don't know, he had a badge, I don't know.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Is it true Arsene Wenger's leaving?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I think it was a protest registered by the snakes.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Yeah.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Because they're shown in this film to be incompetent.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Very poor light.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17There are hundreds of them chasing one baby iguana
0:22:17 > 0:22:19and they're so useless, they didn't get anywhere near him.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21And the iguana escapes.
0:22:21 > 0:22:26And I think they protested, saying it's rigged.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31The footage is completely faked, we won the encounter.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36And David Attenborough really should just resign.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Can we see the footage, it's so good.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39It's great.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41It's a fantastic piece of film.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43You want to see the fakery row, the scene involving
0:22:43 > 0:22:44the lizards and the snake?
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Yeah.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Let's have a look.
0:22:48 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I'd like to say I am proud of the part
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I unconsciously played in the setup of that joke.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:06The must see moment at last year's Baftas, what did it beat?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09It beat Ed Balls' dancing.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Yes, now, that was faked because he had magnets on his feet
0:23:12 > 0:23:14and there was somebody underneath the floor
0:23:14 > 0:23:15moving them like that.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18That's right, it was Ed Balls' Gangnam Style dance.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22This is probably going to annoy Paul even more.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24But this isn't the first time the BBC's been
0:23:24 > 0:23:25accused of faking footage.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Frozen Planet showed footage of newborn polar bears which turned
0:23:27 > 0:23:30out to be in an animal park.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You know the Teletubbies aren't real?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37There's tiny versions of the same thing inside the costumes.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38They weren't tall enough.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Now you're just being silly.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41I'm sorry, they are real.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43You were doing so well up until that point.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I know, I just lost it, I got angry and started lashing out.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49This is the shock news that the iguana versus snake scene
0:23:49 > 0:23:51in Planet Earth II might have been faked.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I don't see what all the fuss is about.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55With the BBC filming several iguanas, I mean,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57they've used at least two different Attenboroughs over the years
0:23:57 > 0:24:00and no-one's ever complained.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Time now for the missing words round which this week features
0:24:02 > 0:24:04as its guest publication Toastmaster, the magazine
0:24:04 > 0:24:06for public speakers.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08We start with.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Elections.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:19The answer is.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Let's take a look.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29That's horrible.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I got one of them for Christmas.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Next.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I am a failure.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:43We used more than one iguana.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Strong and stable!
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Hi, I'm Michael Gove.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:55The answer is.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Next.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Diced bread?
0:25:02 > 0:25:07Sliced bread is the best thing since sliced bread, apparently.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Scientists have conclusively proved there is no difference
0:25:10 > 0:25:12between white and brown, but you try telling that to Ukip.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Next.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Humans that the dogs can keep as pets.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:27The answer is.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36This is a new designer dog house that costs up to ?150,000.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39There are various models on offer including this Roman one.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40What?
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Which, as you can see, has four outside urinals.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Next.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56That it's pronounced "quinoa", not "quin-ower".
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Impossible to talk while up to your eyes in barbiturates.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Unless you know differently, of course?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07The answer.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Next up.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Is it Melania?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21A Japanese baseball team this week this week
0:26:21 > 0:26:23unveiled their new mascot.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Let's have a look at it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER
0:26:34 > 0:26:40APPLAUSE
0:26:40 > 0:26:42And finally.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48A slightly smaller hedge.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Basil Brush.
0:26:50 > 0:26:50We'll get there eventually.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You just keep going.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Fruitjuice fruitjuice-barley.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57No, bit more.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59It's a person related to her.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Her husband?
0:27:00 > 0:27:06Close, I'll give it to you.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07It's her son's face.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Let's have a look at her son.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Yeah, that's fair enough.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13And now let's have a look at her hedge.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I think that's pretty good.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18The hedges were sculpted by Michelle Foley, who created
0:27:18 > 0:27:20likenesses of her partner, Andrew, and her
0:27:20 > 0:27:2221-year-old son, Brennan.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24According to the Sun, Brennan's bush can be
0:27:24 > 0:27:25seen from the street.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Draw your curtains, mate!
0:27:28 > 0:27:33So, the final scores are...
0:27:33 > 0:27:36It's four points to Ian and Phil and five to Paul and Angela.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Well done, well done.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Angela Eagle.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50And I leave you with news that at a secret research lab,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52as two government visitors are shown a new deadly and completely
0:27:52 > 0:27:54undetectable poison, they are both struck
0:27:54 > 0:27:55by the same tempting thought.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00LAUGHTER
0:28:00 > 0:28:03After Tim Farron's resignation leaves a vacancy
0:28:03 > 0:28:06at the top of the party, the Lib Dems' most qualified
0:28:06 > 0:28:08candidate puts themselves forward.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12And having been praised effusively by his Cabinet,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Donald Trump fails to receive similar respect from
0:28:14 > 0:28:16his motorcycle escort.
0:28:16 > 0:28:21LAUGHTER
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Good night.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Peter Kay's back.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10The BAFTA award-winning comedian returns,