0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News for You, I'm Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41In the news this week...
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In Pyongyang, celebrating another successful missile launch,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48the nuclear weapons team get to see a different side to Kim Jong-un.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58PlayStation brings out a brand-new virtual reality game that lets
0:00:58 > 0:01:02players enjoy all the excitement of tweaking a hipster's beard.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And, in an attempt to reduce energy bills,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Rhondda Council unveils their new aluminium recycling centre.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26On Ian's team tonight is an award-winning playwright who
0:01:26 > 0:01:28says one of the best things about her job is getting
0:01:28 > 0:01:30up at whatever time she wants,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33so it was either writing, or being a train driver for Southern Rail.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Please welcome Lucy Prebble.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:44And, with Paul tonight is the writer and director of a new film about
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Stalin - a tyrannical megalomaniac with a cruel sense of humour...
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Armando also made The Thick of It. Please welcome Armando Iannucci.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And we start with the biggest stories of the week - Ian
0:01:59 > 0:02:00and Lucy, take a look at this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06European dinner, they're eating their own hands.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Water.- Oh, that's a subtle metaphor. - Oh!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Oh, a leak, yes.- Oh, look...
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Man going upstairs, is that a metaphor?- No, he's just drunk.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- There was a dinner, wasn't there? - There was a dinner.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I do find it strange that we get this kind of autopsy of the dinner.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It's a bit like, you know,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24when your flatmate comes back after a Tinder date and tells you,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26you know, "Well, he was a bit arrogant,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"he was a bit cold" and you know that he's gone back
0:02:29 > 0:02:30to his group of friends and said, "Well,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"she was begging for it, she was like this,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"she was like that" - the stories are different, and then in the end,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37they're just going to find a way to split up, which is
0:02:37 > 0:02:39basically what's going to happen with these guys.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Yes, that image of a Tinder date between Theresa
0:02:42 > 0:02:44and Jean-Claude has really stayed with me.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49This is the leaked report from Theresa May's dinner with
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Jean-Claude Juncker.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53The dinner itself was very amicable, but was followed by
0:02:53 > 0:02:55an interminable argument over how to split the bill.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What was the substance of the leak?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Theresa May was desperate
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and was begging the EU just to give her a chance.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It's said that May had "begged for help",
0:03:07 > 0:03:08saying that...
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Juncker's chief aide is called Martin Selmayr
0:03:15 > 0:03:16and he's got form.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18There have been other occasions where there's only been three people
0:03:18 > 0:03:20in the room and the contents of the discussion have
0:03:20 > 0:03:22suddenly appeared in the German paper and everyone goes,
0:03:22 > 0:03:27"Oh, no - not Martin - he doesn't do that sort of thing."
0:03:27 > 0:03:28- Oh, but does he?- Yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31He's a very, very hard line Europhile
0:03:31 > 0:03:34and he's known as "The Monster".
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Er, because people find him very difficult to deal with.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39He's got a number of different nicknames. Let's have a look at a
0:03:39 > 0:03:42picture of him and I'll ask you to guess some of his other nicknames.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43The man who cuts his own hair.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Rasputin, he's named as.- Rasputin?!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- ARMANDO:- Rasputin had longer hair.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I think you're focusing too much
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- on the hair, to be honest. LUCY:- Yeah.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Is he Russia's greatest love machine?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00That's a Boney M reference.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02That's completely fine, that's allowed.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Based on historical research.- Yeah!
0:04:04 > 0:04:08No, no - I'm not saying Boney M hadn't done their stuff.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I mean, compared to some of the lightweight Russian research
0:04:11 > 0:04:12that some people do.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Stalin is another of his nicknames.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- ARMANDO:- Then I've made a dreadful mistake.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Darth Vader, he's also known as Darth Vader!
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- Just anyone evil.- Do you know what the Daily Mail calls him?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Editor in chief?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Leaky bully-boy.- I think I was right first time.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45There was another leak at a high-level meeting of European
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- politicians this week, what was that?- Not this toxic gas leak?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- No, a much less serious leak, arguably.- The vegetable leek?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Slightly more serious than a vegetable leek.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57It involves Macron's dog.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Oh, yes.- Oh!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02The president of France urinated into a fireplace
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and then blamed it on his dog.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Were that that were true.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11While attending a meeting at the Elysee Palace with Macron
0:05:11 > 0:05:14and members of his government, Nemo relieved himself in the fireplace.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Keep an eye on the young chien.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19MAN SPEAKS IN FRENCH
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I think that's all right in high-level meetings now,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43cos I think Trump does that. I think...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I THINK. Definitely.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52- I don't think he's polite enough to go over to the fireplace.- No!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Boris gave a speech this week, oh, happy days,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58where he urged the EU to speed up with Brexit.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02What was noteworthy about this particular speech?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05He made a number of Shakespearean references in it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09He was just sort of riffing on the subject of why Brexit needed
0:06:09 > 0:06:10to happen quickly.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14So was Hamlet, you know, he couldn't decide how to act and it was Macbeth
0:06:14 > 0:06:17waiting to stab someone - you've got Gove there, for God's sake!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Just get on with it.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Can I just say, that was a metaphorical stabbing.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Can we have a look at Boris Johnson riffing on Shakespeare?- Yes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I suggest humbly to our friends and partners in Brussels,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39now is the time to get on with it.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43You know, let's not...this idea wait upon I would or, you know,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45let the native hue of resolution be sicklied o'er
0:06:45 > 0:06:47with a pale cast of thought...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49or whatever.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53There's a tide in the affairs of men... They should...grip it.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Go on, get on with it and, er...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58start thinking about the future.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04That's not a speech, that's a malfunctioning android.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09That's words strung together in whichever form they come to him.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10I love the idea of "or whatever".
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Shakespeare's best-known lines all end in, "yeah, or whatever".
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...or whatever."
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Who did the government distance themselves from this week?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- Was it Mr Heaton-Harris?- Oh, yes.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- LUCY:- Is this the man who sent the letter?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Yes. He wanted the names of all lecturers at the universities who'd
0:07:33 > 0:07:36been teaching on European Affairs
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and information as to whether they were talking about Brexit
0:07:39 > 0:07:42or pro-remain policies. Ohh...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Then he was accused afterwards of that being a bit sinister and he
0:07:45 > 0:07:48said, "That's not being sinister, sending letters asking for the names
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"of people who teach this particular subject."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Why would anybody think that was McCarthyite?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57You see, it's bloody liberals, they are snowflakes.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You just say, "Give us your name, I'll put it on a list
0:07:59 > 0:08:03"and I'm in the government," and they go, "Ooohhh!"
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- How do they go, again?- "Ooohhh!"
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Well, it's Halloween.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11It's like a 1920s chorus girl.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Exactly.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Hasn't he said he wants to write a book
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and that's actually what it was about - research for a book -
0:08:18 > 0:08:21which I really hope isn't true and that it's a lie and a cover-up,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24because then now he has to write a book about Brexit
0:08:24 > 0:08:27which would be an amazing punishment for basically lying about it.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31We should all pre-order it off Amazon now, so he has to do it.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Interestingly, he didn't come up with that excuse,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35he's been very quiet on the whole thing, I think.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- That was Jo Johnson, wasn't it? - That was Jo Johnson.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40His boss. So he's MAKING him write a book!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44The book is called The University Lecturer Murders.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47It's a mystery.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49How did universities respond?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I just told you, "Whooohhh!"
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Not all of them.- They were all pretty snowflake libtard, I thought.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06Paul Kleiman took a slightly more humorous approach than some others,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08tweeting, "Dear Chris Heaton-Harris,
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"following your letter to my VC,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"here are the details of my Theatre History lectures."
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Which included...
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Week two...
0:09:27 > 0:09:28And week six...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35APPLAUSE
0:09:38 > 0:09:41This is Brexit and the row over leaks after a dinner.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44In the Commons, Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's
0:09:44 > 0:09:47repetitive updates on EU talks by comparing them to...
0:09:49 > 0:09:50He was going to go with,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"the cyclical nature of Marxist historical dialectic"
0:09:53 > 0:09:54until one of his advisers said,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"Jeremy, for the love of Christ, just say Groundhog Day."
0:09:58 > 0:10:01One Tory MP came under fire for asking universities
0:10:01 > 0:10:04for the names and details of lecturers teaching Brexit.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06One critic accused him of McCarthyism
0:10:06 > 0:10:09while another said it was "idiotic Leninism."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Lenin and McCarthyism, eh?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Just let it be, I say.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Paul and Armando, take a look at this.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Ah, yes - this is the election last summer in Sheffield.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26That's Girls Aloud, I believe.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh! It's a young Paul Merton.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yes, that's me.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Yes, it's the MP O'Mara.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He's got into trouble through something that he said on
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Twitter or whatever it was 15 years ago, which was pretty horrendous.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41And he said he's been on a journey since then.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Unfortunately, it was a return ticket, cos he's done it again.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Apparently he'd said something rather nasty to
0:10:49 > 0:10:52a woman in a Sheffield nightclub a couple of months ago or something,
0:10:52 > 0:10:53so yes, it's...
0:10:53 > 0:10:56misogynistic, homophobic remarks.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Um, that's the end of the show!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02That's not the rest of your script, is it?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04This is the Labour MP Jared O'Mara.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Jared O'Mara.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08It was given a twist by the fact that he was on
0:11:08 > 0:11:10the Commons Equalities Committee,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13so he was meant to be rooting out that misogyny,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15homophobia, sexism and...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Well, he did - he resigned!
0:11:18 > 0:11:19He rooted it out - in himself!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22He resigned when he was caught, let's be fair!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Was he saying all these things towards writing
0:11:24 > 0:11:26a book about himself?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29How has all this surfaced?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32It's all on social media, isn't it?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It's there forever, so somebody did some digging, presumably,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- and found this stuff.- Do you know political website Guido Fawkes?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40They managed to access them from chatrooms
0:11:40 > 0:11:42and websites dating back to 2002.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44But there's a lot of people in the Labour Party going, "Oh, well,
0:11:44 > 0:11:49"he was very young, it was a long time ago, can't we not have this?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51"Cos, you know, he's not a Tory."
0:11:53 > 0:11:56You see, if he'd said that and he was a Tory, we'd kill him.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"But he was young, he was 22."
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It's absolutely no excuse.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Especially since the latest one was, what, three weeks ago,
0:12:03 > 0:12:04or three months ago?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Yes.- But people were different then.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It was a different time, sort of...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10The sun was shining...
0:12:11 > 0:12:14It was alleged that only recently, O'Mara had called a woman
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"an ugly bitch".
0:12:16 > 0:12:17He denies that.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18If you can't be held accountable
0:12:18 > 0:12:21for when it's something that happened like 14 years ago,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23then there's like hairstyles and boyfriends I had that
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I can have expunged from the record, which I'm thrilled about!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Expunge them all!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"Will all boyfriends make their way to sector five..."
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Old hairstyles to the left...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Have you ever had a hairstyle you regretted, Ian?- Um...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47This from a man wearing a cravat!
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Roger Moore in The Persuaders!
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- Oh, right - that makes me Tony Curtis!- Absolutely!- Excellent!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- LUCY:- It is weird, though, isn't it,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00because there's a fine line between sort of terrible misogynistic
0:13:00 > 0:13:03language and just being a real dick,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06and it seems like some of his comments are being a real dick, you know?
0:13:06 > 0:13:09He's saying stuff about Jamie Cullum
0:13:09 > 0:13:11which, you know...is music criticism,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14probably, more than it's misogyny or homophobia...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Are you sure about that? - Well, I'm not, actually,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I don't know quite what he said.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19- He said poofters...- Oh, did he?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22..and he said Cullum should be sodomised with his own piano.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Ah, right, OK.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25So he doesn't like jazz much, then?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29What did he say about pop band Girls Aloud? Do you remember?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- Oh, yes - I do!- Go on. - Of course not...
0:13:34 > 0:13:35He invited them to...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41How many is an orgy, Ian?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Sorry, ANYONE? I'll open that out the panel!
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Well, two!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52And a mirror.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Who sprang to O'Mara's defence?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Oh, everyone.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Really?- Yeah.- Well, HE certainly did. He said...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Well, at last someone's spoken the truth!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Although the signs of his enlightened forward-thinking
0:14:12 > 0:14:16were there back in 2006, this is from his band's website.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27So, any woman that goes on a date with him
0:14:27 > 0:14:29is doing it for charitable reasons.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Shadow Minister Angela Rayner also defended him, saying...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43What's wrong with that statement from...?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- He never made a maiden speech. - He didn't, no!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47And he hasn't been in Parliament much.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Why is he not keen on holding constituency surgeries on Fridays?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- ARMANDO:- Oh, he goes out on Friday.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- No, Thursday's his night out and he's hungover on a Friday.- Yeah!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04It's lad culture, we all do it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07You get swept up in it, don't you? You just get swept up in it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I live within five miles of Wembley Stadium, it's a nightmare.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13I get swept up in football culture.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19He clearly likes a good time. Here's a tweet from one of his neighbours.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35What TV show is Jeremy Corbyn to appear on?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Gogglebox.- Yes.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38I hope he's on with Giles and Mary.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Oh, you really watch it, Ian? - I love Gogglebox.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Who's your favourite on Gogglebox?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Well, I like all of them, just cos it's so upbeat.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I always come away at the end of the programme thinking, "Those
0:15:49 > 0:15:51"are really nice people",
0:15:51 > 0:15:54unlike some other shows you think, "Oh, God."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57That goes on at the same time as this one, so you watch THAT, do you?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Which is a really nice show, full of nice people.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07That's a slap in the teeth, isn't it?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08What, you watch yourself, do you?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I'm always intrigued when I make the edit.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21This is Labour MP Jared O'Mara, who has been suspended
0:16:21 > 0:16:24for a number of ill-advised comments made on social media.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26To be fair, everyone's done a few things
0:16:26 > 0:16:28when they were younger that they now regret.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Even Jacob Rees-Mogg sent some pretty racy telegrams.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36In his comments, Jared O'Mara has been homophobic, xenophobic
0:16:36 > 0:16:37and sexist.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Worst of all, in the eyes of the Labour Party,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42he doesn't have a bad word to say about Jews.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- AUDIENCE:- Ooohh!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48LAUGHTER
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Meanwhile, it's been announced that Jeremy Corbyn is
0:16:50 > 0:16:53to appear on a special edition of Gogglebox.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I'm not saying Jeremy is out of touch with popular culture,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58but when he was told he was appearing on a sofa with Leon,
0:16:58 > 0:16:59he assumed it was Trotsky.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Oh, he's on with Leon!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11BUZZER
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Oh.- Armando and Paul. - Take That have reformed.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Oh, no! And they're appearing with their tribute band.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21It's Xi, which is slightly ironic when you look at that picture
0:17:21 > 0:17:24and the report says, "Xi is going to do this, Xi's going to do that" -
0:17:24 > 0:17:26oh, no - there's no women there!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28It's solid blokes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31That's an odd way to phrase it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Wall-to-wall fella!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Look at it! - LUCY:- Lad culture.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- ARMANDO:- They look like they're going to be launched, don't they?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Or like skittles - a huge ball is going to come and knock them over.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48It's president Xi,
0:17:48 > 0:17:51his thought has been, er...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53encapsulated within the Chinese constitution.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55The only other person who's
0:17:55 > 0:17:58had his thought as part of the constitution is Chairman Mao.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- So...- How does that work, exactly?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- Do you know what that means? - I think he just goes, "Mmmmm."
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- And it becomes law?- And people look at it, and go...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"Mmmmm."
0:18:09 > 0:18:11His thought is mainly that he should be in charge.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- That's his main thought, yes. - And other people should not be.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Yes.- And anyone who doesn't agree with him should shut up.- Yes.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Or be shut up for a very, very long time.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Er, what does Donald Trump think of Xi Jinping?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He congratulated him on his elevation,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30kind of revealing that he thinks he was somehow elected
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and kind of won that spot through an open ballot.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Whereas, in fact, it was sheer dictatorship.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38It's a fabulous quote from Trump.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- LUCY:- When he says some people,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58he means him, before someone just told him.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02How has the West come to this?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05We're sitting here discussing Brexit and Trump and China...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07When we could be watching Gogglebox!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11A totally innocent occupation!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Donald Trump was in trouble this week after his phone call
0:19:15 > 0:19:17to the widow of a US soldier killed in Niger.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19She accused Trump of...
0:19:21 > 0:19:22His aides were just relieved
0:19:22 > 0:19:25he'd managed to pronounce "Niger" correctly.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining
0:19:34 > 0:19:37he'd simply mixed up the two real countries of Gambia and Narnia.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50BELL
0:19:50 > 0:19:51I believe it's called a burger.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well done, Ian. Think I'll give you a point just for that.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57- LUCY:- Is it...
0:19:57 > 0:20:01It's nothing to do with magic, or it's levitating or something?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I mean, yes...
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It is the news that scientists at the University of Sussex have
0:20:05 > 0:20:08found a way of making food levitate.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Why?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Isn't "how?" the first question, rather than "why"?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Er...
0:20:15 > 0:20:16OK, how?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- How? You're going to have to tell us.- Is it magnets?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Do they do magnets?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Are we on how, or why?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I've read several articles, I think they're still working on the "whys".
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- What's the catch with levitating food?- It doesn't work.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31It DOES work.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32How?!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Why?!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41The catch is, according to the Sun,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43you can only eat your meal in...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Let's have a look at the machine preloaded with a feast.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50It works by ultrasonic waves
0:20:50 > 0:20:52blasted from above and below
0:20:52 > 0:20:54to create what they're calling a...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58You can actually make some quite complex dishes.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Here's one for Ian.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I know how you like cheese and wine.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Have you been reading my 15-year-old blog?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Is that what you were doing when you were 15? Cheese and wine evenings?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13It was wild, I tell you.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- It was lad culture, wasn't it? - Lad culture.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21He was swept up in the whole teenage cheese and wine...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Get the boys round, watch a bit of bridge on the telly...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Look up the book of Common Prayer.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30If only he was exaggerating.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Let's have a look at the cheese and wine hovering.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39That looks like a moon circulating round Saturn.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Do you want to see a levitating burger?- Yeah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Here it goes.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52It has been a bad news week, if this has made the show.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56How does the food get in your mouth?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Oh, who cares?
0:21:59 > 0:22:00- ARMANDO:- It doesn't.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I've invented something called the hand.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You break up a pair of false teeth and chuck them in
0:22:06 > 0:22:08and they chew it up, like that.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12The scientists are working on using sound waves to float the food
0:22:12 > 0:22:15gracefully onto your outstretched tongue.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18This is what the Universities Minister should be writing
0:22:18 > 0:22:22letters about! "Dear University of Sussex, what are you doing?!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25"Give us the money back!"
0:22:25 > 0:22:29This is science's bold leap towards levitating our meals.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I can't see the idea of floating food ever catching on.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34It's pie-in-the-sky stuff.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35GROANS
0:22:35 > 0:22:38We've built up to that joke, you realise that?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40That's the reason they put that question in!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44What time is Gogglebox on?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- It's about now.- Is it?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53which this week features as its guest publication...
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Have I Got Moos For You.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03It's UDDERLY fascinating, let's not milk it, let's not milk it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:06APPLAUSE
0:23:06 > 0:23:08A round of applause. Really?!
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Really?
0:23:10 > 0:23:11You disappoint me.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14And we start with...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17What is an insult to cockneys?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Dick Van Dyke's accent.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24It's a new themed restaurant that's opened up in London in the East End.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- It is.- They're charging lots of money
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- to eat traditional cockney fare. - It is.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31East End-themed dining experience is an insult to cockneys
0:23:31 > 0:23:32is the right answer.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I had "Piss off, Cockneys."
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Thank you, Guvnor!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I had Jeremy Hunt, so lucky we didn't get to that.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46This is a Cockney-themed dinner party featuring tracksuited
0:23:46 > 0:23:49and tattooed characters drinking, smoking and being aggressive.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52If you really want to be entertained by these appalling stereotypes
0:23:52 > 0:23:55at the £55-a-head meal, I'd just say,
0:23:55 > 0:23:56"Leave it, it's not worf it."
0:23:59 > 0:24:00- What...?- Next...
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Yeah, go on, then - I'll let it go.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- That was all right, wasn't it? - Yeah, not too bad.- Aw'wight?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Can I hear your Welsh?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- IN WELSH ACCENT:- Well, it's only a little bit, you know, but...
0:24:11 > 0:24:12There's certain names,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16if you think of certain composers like Johann Sebastian Bach.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- You're Welsh, aren't you, Ian? Born in Mumbles.- I was.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23But it was a very long time ago.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28And I was writing a book about Wales.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Next,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39if you give a cow what, she will pay you back in milk.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40- LUCY:- A hug and a bucket?
0:24:41 > 0:24:4325 quid.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45- ARMANDO:- A milk token.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- LUCY:- A credit card...
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Love and affection.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Respect.- Respect!
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Er... Now, where are we?!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Oh, next, Richard Madeley...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Did we get the answer?- Oh, sorry!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02If you give a cow Richard Madeley?!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03She'll pay you back in milk?!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- LUCY:- I never would have got that!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07That's what it says!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I hope this isn't some terribly misogynistic reference to
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Judy that we've got here.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:16That's appalling.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Absolutely appalling.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I can't work out who's going to get the blame for that - you or me?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Well, I was trying to make it out that somebody else has said it...
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Unsuccessfully, I should imagine.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33If you give a cow her six basic needs,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35she will pay you back in milk.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Richard Madeley... - He's come up again!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I think he guest edited this edition of Cowsmopolitan!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Richard Madeley what...?- Has a cow.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Is sober.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- That's not libellous. - LUCY:- Is it "has to be mentioned?"
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Yes!- Which is why we've had to mention him so much tonight.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- Exactly. - He was doing Breakfast this week.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06- I don't watch much telly, but he was, um...- Was he good?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Yeah, no, he was very, very good. - I've always liked him.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12What's happened to you, Ian? Gogglebox, now breakfast television?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- It's another book. - Have you lost your job?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25There's a lot of competition for paper rounds these days, you know.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30The answer is Richard Madeley goes commando in every telly show.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32GROANS
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Yeah, I'm not sure if that's the response he'd have hoped for, but...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Richard Madeley revealed he wasn't wearing underpants
0:26:38 > 0:26:42on Good Morning Britain and up until that moment, it had been.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49And finally, pork chop looks uncannily like what?
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Richard Madeley?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Looks uncannily like a pig, with a bit missing.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Darth Vader is the answer.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01This better be uncanny.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Pork chop looks uncannily like Darth Vader, well, check it out -
0:27:04 > 0:27:05see how uncanny it is.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10So, the final scores are...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Ian and Lucy have five, but Paul
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- and Armando have five.- Hooray!
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Well done.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Paul and Armando have this.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Now all we need is some cheese and we can go to Ian Hislop's party.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Ian and Lucy get that.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Virtual reality headsets forget to put in any virtual or reality?
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Mr Weinstein's office staff.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- ALL:- Ohh!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47PANEL LAUGH
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Yep, that's the one to finish the show on.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55And I leave you with news that there are fears that a split in the Tory
0:27:55 > 0:27:57party could end in violence as evidence emerges that
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Boris Johnson has his own personal army.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Surveillance cameras show that even in Mayfair,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10there's a problem with teenagers hanging around on the streets.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design
0:28:17 > 0:28:19for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Goodnight.