0:00:34 > 0:00:41APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Good evening.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47I'm Stephen Mangan.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49In the news this week:
0:00:49 > 0:00:52As he arrives at 10 Downing Street, David Davis suddenly sees
0:00:52 > 0:01:01Michel Barnier's car parked outside.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Despite Lord Ashcroft's insistence that Belize is his main residence,
0:01:03 > 0:01:13questions are raised as to how long he actually spends there.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21And in a TV studio in London, after an item about the drug spice,
0:01:21 > 0:01:31the producers wonder what happened to the sample that was lying around.
0:01:35 > 0:01:41On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and TV presenter
0:01:41 > 0:01:43who was one of the host's of the BBC special EU Referendum,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45The Result.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Don't tell me what happened,
0:01:47 > 0:01:48I've still not watched it.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Please welcome - Steph McGovern.
0:01:49 > 0:01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:59And with Paul tonight is a comedian who was once in a band that she says
0:01:59 > 0:02:02went nowhere due to a lack of songs, musical ability and talent.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I didn't know she used to be in Steps.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Please welcome, Jo Caulfield.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Paul and Jo, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Wake up, time for a coup.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21That's the sort of thing you can wear when you're a dictator,
0:02:21 > 0:02:22nobody would dare tell you.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Happy.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Yeah, dance in the streets.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Oh!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Couldn't do that when Mugabe was in charge.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30And that's a crocodile.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33When Mugabe first came to power in 1980, there
0:02:33 > 0:02:36was a joke which I think was on the northern working men's club
0:02:36 > 0:02:37circuit, which I haven't heard since.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39But the joke was that Mugabe was actually
0:02:39 > 0:02:41a Yorkshireman in reverse.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Cos if you write his name backwards it's e ba gum.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:46So, that's been 37 years waiting for that laugh.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:55So, Robert Mugabe, yes, after 37 years of power, he's resigned.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Why was he forced out now?
0:02:58 > 0:03:05Well, if we've learned anything from history,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08any tyrant always has a wife with a lot of shoes.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13This always seems to be the tipping point.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I mean, he massacred people, he ruined the
0:03:15 > 0:03:17economy, he siphoned away billions.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18People were starving.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21But then they went, "Oh! How many shoes does his wife have?".
0:03:21 > 0:03:22That's it, isn't it.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25She said she had to have all these shoes.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28She had to have Ferragamo because she had very narrow feet.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31And people believed that.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Because if they didn't, they were killed.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Have you seen what else she spent her money on, though?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Cos she spent 200 grand on a headboard for their bed.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Like, what does a headboard worth 200 grand actually do?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45That's what you've got to ask yourself.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I would think she would need to knock
0:03:47 > 0:03:49herself out on it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:49Yep.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52LAUGHTER
0:03:52 > 0:03:55But she's called Gucci Grace because that's where she likes to shop.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Yes, she is.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02Cos I am known as Jo Majestic Wines Caulfield.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06And this is Paul Cravat Shop Merton.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Cravat World, I think it's from.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Next to Poundland.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:13You don't go to Poundland.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Surely you go to Guinealand.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:22APPLAUSE
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Yes, Mugabe was forced out by the army after he fired his vice
0:04:27 > 0:04:29president, Emmerson Mnangagwa, earlier this month.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32And for trying to position his wife Grace as successor.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34There's more to Grace, though, than just shopping
0:04:34 > 0:04:36and seizing farms.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40She's actually Dr Grace Mugabe.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Cos she forced her husband to give her all these
0:04:42 > 0:04:43different accolades.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Well, that's scandalous.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I'm not sure that's true.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48She got her Ph.D at the University of Zimbabwe this year.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It apparently just took her three months to do
0:04:50 > 0:04:52which is very impressive.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54The doctorate was awarded to her by the University
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Chancellor, actually, a Mr RG Mugabe.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:02How did the generals go about reassuring everyone that it
0:05:02 > 0:05:03wasn't a military coup?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Dancing, it seems to be.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Yeah, they staged a musical.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yeah, they took over state TV which is always a sign
0:05:10 > 0:05:11of something not being a coup.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13That's right.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15One of the generals broadcast a message saying it definitely
0:05:15 > 0:05:16wasn't a military coup.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21Let's have a look at that message.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26To both our people and the world beyond our borders, we wish to make
0:05:26 > 0:05:30it abundantly clear that this is not a military takeover of government.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Cos he doesn't look like he's in the military
0:05:35 > 0:05:36at all there, does he?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Doesn't look scary at all.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38He's in the cubs.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:44Yes, Mugabe was replaced.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46The ambitious young reformer who is going to provide a fresh
0:05:46 > 0:05:48break with the past is 75-year-old Emmerson Mnangagwa.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49He's known as "The Crocodile".
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Why do we think that is?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54People say, do you think he's sleeping?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56But he isn't, and then he comes and kills you.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Sort of friendly name.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01It's cuddly, isn't it?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03According to the Economist, it's for his habit of
0:06:03 > 0:06:07waiting quietly before sinking his jaws into his next victim.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11And this doesn't seem to worry the people on the streets.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14NEWS VOICEOVER: Emmerson Mnangagwa is known as "The Crocodile",
0:06:14 > 0:06:16celebrated here for his ruthless cunning.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17But when it gets its prey...
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Ugh!
0:06:21 > 0:06:26There's a lot of optimism in Zimbabwe which is heartbreaking.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28If you're watching this on...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You think it's misplaced, then?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36He's not a great guy.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I mean, he did organise the massacres of 20,000 people.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I mean, it's not a big deal nowadays, I know.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41But they're very old.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Who, they are?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Mugabe's 93.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49And so the new guy, the crocodile guy, he's 75.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52And I just think, when does ambition stop?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54When do people just watch whatever the Zimbabwe version
0:06:54 > 0:06:58of Cash In The Attic is?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01There's cash in the bank in France.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Siphoned off money in the attic, yes.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Political opponents in the attic.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Finally, since we've been talking about "The Crocodile", what other
0:07:10 > 0:07:12politician is concerned about big reptiles this week?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Oh, is it elephants?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Big reptiles.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I resign.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27University challenged.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Sorry, idiot.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Well, it's Australian MP Bob Katter.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Oh yeah.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Here he is explaining his feelings about
0:07:36 > 0:07:39same-sex marriages, but watch for the subtle gear change as he
0:07:39 > 0:07:42realises there are more important issues.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44You know, people are entitled to their sexual
0:07:44 > 0:07:48proclivities, you know.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I mean, let there be a thousand blossoms bloom
0:07:50 > 0:07:53as far as I'm concerned.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57But I ain't spending any time on it because in
0:07:57 > 0:08:00the meantime, every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a
0:08:00 > 0:08:01crocodile in North Queensland.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:09That person must be getting pretty fed up of it.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13This is the news that one of the most ruthless, corrupt,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15bloodthirsty leaders Zimbabwe has ever known has taken
0:08:15 > 0:08:18over from Robert Mugabe.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21The new leader of Zimbabwe is: Emmerson "The Crocodile" Mnangagwa.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Previously best known for beating Phil "The Power" Taylor
0:08:24 > 0:08:28with a nine-dart finish at The Lakeside.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31The crisis began when Grace Mugabe persuaded her husband to get rid
0:08:31 > 0:08:34of Emmerson "The Crocodile" Mnangagwa.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Partly because she saw him as a political rival - but mainly
0:08:37 > 0:08:42because she wanted to turn him into a handbag.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson used all his diplomatic skills to curry
0:08:45 > 0:08:48favour with the incoming regime, declaring it a glorious new dawn
0:08:48 > 0:08:49for the people of Rhodesia.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Ian and Steph take a look at this.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00The famous red box where they have to try and pull rabbits out of it.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02That's the government.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Oh, that's moving into a new home.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07"No, you can't afford it".
0:09:07 > 0:09:09This is of course the budget.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It was a bit funnier than they normally are.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Because obviously you had Theresa May
0:09:13 > 0:09:16handing him cough sweets in the middle of it, as well.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Yeah, I thought that was subtle.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Really subtle.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Him reminding her of how bad her speech was.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Yeah.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26But he seems to have done enough to survive.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27It's great, being in a really weak government.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Because you listen to all your critics and you
0:09:30 > 0:09:32write it down and then you read it out in the budget.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34And everyone says, he's brilliant.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Universal Credit not working?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37That's a fantastic thought.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Not enough homes?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40How did he think of that?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42The idea that everyone else has been saying
0:09:42 > 0:09:44this for the last 15 years...
0:09:44 > 0:09:45It's gone.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Suddenly he gets all the credit.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Well, not Universal Credit, obviously.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Anyway, he survived, and it wasn't bad enough for anyone
0:09:54 > 0:09:59to get too angry about.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Yes, what's the big problem that Big Phil faced
0:10:02 > 0:10:03before this budget?
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Well, everyone hated him.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Yes.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Everyone thinks he's rubbish.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Here he is, poor Phil, scratching his head.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09He didn't have much support beforehand.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Critics were queueing up in the Telegraph to
0:10:11 > 0:10:13say his days were numbered.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Said his wife.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:24What's caused all the underlying gloom?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Brexit?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27And the fact that there's so much uncertainty.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Typical BBC Remoaner.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I know, there we go.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33You can't come on for one minute, can you?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Without going on and on...
0:10:34 > 0:10:35It's all Brexit's fault.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37God!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Honestly, it's pretty annoying.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Haven't seen you so animated since you thought an
0:10:44 > 0:10:45elephant was a reptile.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Growth forecasts.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Downgraded.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Downgraded from what?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56From 2% to 1.5%, which in monetary terms is
0:10:56 > 0:10:58about £20 billion.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Forecasts do my head in.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Because they're never right, are they?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05So how many times have I been on TV...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I'm gonna have a little mini rant.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Yeah. Go for it.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11How many times have I been on TV and said, the Bank of
0:11:11 > 0:11:13England's forecasting this, the OBR's forecasting this...
0:11:13 > 0:11:14No one's ever got it right.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The best person who's given any analysis is
0:11:16 > 0:11:19that lady who was asked about when there was gonna be another
0:11:19 > 0:11:21election, do you remember what she said?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22"Oh, not another one!".
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Which is exactly how I feel.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I'm gonna be fired before the end of this, by the way.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Given its my job to talk about forecasts.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32But there we are.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Is it that business journalists just like
0:11:36 > 0:11:39numbers and want to put their favourite number in, so people
0:11:39 > 0:11:40are just shouting different numbers?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Yeah, and for me, I just love hard hats.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Do you?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I just like going around various building sites.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46And vis jackets.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Oh, high vis.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Do you know, there's even someone who's set up a fetish
0:11:50 > 0:11:51website of safety gear?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I bet you haven't got one of them, Ian.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56You don't know that I set it up.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:01What's the address?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Why was Philip Hammond depicted like this in The Sun on Budget Day?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Is that a ferret or a weasel, or perhaps
0:12:06 > 0:12:09it's an elephant, I don't know.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Looks a bit like Arsene Wenger.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It does, actually.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15What's going on?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17It's a weasel, actually.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19It was to warn him against increasing duty on
0:12:19 > 0:12:22diesel fuel.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Don't be a diesel weasel?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Yeah.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Well, drivers of diesel cars, having been actively
0:12:28 > 0:12:31encouraged by governments to go out and buy them, have now been
0:12:31 > 0:12:32hit by extra fuel duty.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34And that's just what weasels do in the wild.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Yeah, they do.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Philip Hammond is determined that by 2021 our vehicles
0:12:40 > 0:12:43will be driverless and he's paying to install electric charging
0:12:43 > 0:12:44points all over the place.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I've got loads in my house.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Why is everyone so keen on driverless cars?
0:12:50 > 0:12:50I like driving.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Don't people like driving?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54So you can get drunk and then be taken home.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It's called a cab.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00If there is driverless cars, there will be no more Top Gear.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02That is a big incentive for me.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Driverless cars caused Philip Hammond some
0:13:04 > 0:13:09embarrassment before the budget.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12He told Andrew Marr that to show his confidence in driverless technology
0:13:12 > 0:13:14he'd be going in a driverless car the very next day.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16This alerted number ten to a potentially
0:13:16 > 0:13:17embarrassing visual metaphor.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21And a spokesman told the Telegraph:
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Matt Hancock who is the digital minister is very much on board
0:13:29 > 0:13:30with the government's support for technology, and he tweeted:
0:13:37 > 0:13:40LAUGHTER
0:13:40 > 0:13:44We need those maths teachers, don't we?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47There have been complaints that the government has done nothing
0:13:47 > 0:13:48about the minimum wage.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49The so-called gig economy.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54What has the millennials' favourite exploiter of
0:13:54 > 0:13:56low-paid workers Uber, admitted this week?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Someone hacked into Uber.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02And stole the data of 57 million users.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05That's the entire country, is in an Uber all the time.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08But they paid a ransom a year ago, it's just come out now.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11$100,000, yeah, for the hackers to keep quiet about the whole thing.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12But Uber accepted it?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Yeah.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16So Uber said, we won't tell anyone about it, we won't
0:14:16 > 0:14:19report it, and the criminals said, we've erased all the data, trust us.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22We're criminals who have just hacked into your system.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24And then eventually they had to admit it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Does Private Eye have worries that somebody might
0:14:26 > 0:14:27hack into your system?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29You know, steal the carbon paper or something.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:34How has the Chancellor tried to appeal to young people?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Well, he's abolished the stamp duty.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38And, oh, also the train thing which seems
0:14:38 > 0:14:40kind of random.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43So, they get free train travel up to 30 now.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Because they can't afford to live anywhere.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47So they could live on the train.
0:14:47 > 0:14:53It's called the new home replacement service.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54It's a rail card, but it's off-peak.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58So you can't use it to go to work.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00So you can't use it to go to work?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02And you only get a third off.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03And you only get a third off.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Still, it would probably reduce the cost of a ticket from London
0:15:06 > 0:15:08to Manchester to about 400 quid.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10He did some weird specific taxes I thought, where he did
0:15:10 > 0:15:12nothing on other booze, except strong cider
0:15:12 > 0:15:13and rolling tobacco.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16And I thought, he is missing out on that very important "likes
0:15:16 > 0:15:17to drink in the park" demographic.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Isn't he?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24It seemed like it was an actual person and I was imagining this
0:15:24 > 0:15:26evil bubble and then cut to Phil Hammond's daughter
0:15:26 > 0:15:36and her useless boyfriend rolling fags and drinking cider.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I thought it was a pretty blatant attack on Farage.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43He is also cracking down on property speculators and investors
0:15:43 > 0:15:45who leave property vacant.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Did you see what happened to the old vacant stadium in Atlanta
0:15:47 > 0:15:51called the Georgia Dome?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53It was demolished in an explosion and lots of news media
0:15:53 > 0:15:57were there to see it and they set up in the best camera position
0:15:57 > 0:16:04possible to catch the never to be repeated moment.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08LAUGHTER.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10BLEEP!
0:16:10 > 0:16:16Get out of the way!
0:16:16 > 0:16:17You...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19UGH!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20BLEEP!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24BLEEP!
0:16:24 > 0:16:33APPLAUSE.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37This is the news that the Chancellor has delivered a brilliant/ terrible
0:16:37 > 0:16:39budget according to how much white cider you drink.
0:16:39 > 0:16:46The Daily Mirror said the Chancellor's budget amounted to...
0:16:46 > 0:16:53Which I think is one of the films on Damian Green's computer.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56And so on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz,
0:16:56 > 0:17:02fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04This is the Queen and Prince Philip showing why they get
0:17:04 > 0:17:05on so well together.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It's their 70th wedding anniversary, I think, 1947.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08What did the Queen gave Philip?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Northumberland?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13It was very lazy gift-giving.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17She gave him a medal.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20It is like, if you said to your wife, happy anniversary,
0:17:20 > 0:17:21here's a copy of Private Eye.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Not a good gift.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Yes, she gave him another title.
0:17:24 > 0:17:30She is making him...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Cross being the operative word.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34According to the Royal biographer, Ingrid Seward , the secret
0:17:34 > 0:17:37to their happy marriage is...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39What do you think they might laugh about?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Us.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Ingrid said that the Queen is...
0:17:43 > 0:17:48And is...
0:17:48 > 0:17:49No!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I would love to see that.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55We would all love to see that, wouldn't we?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58You know what, I always panic, because obviously at the BBC,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01when we do the news, we have a whole procedure if anyone
0:18:01 > 0:18:03who is Category One, like the Queen dies.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06So we have to go through this procedure every month of rehearsing
0:18:06 > 0:18:10it and I am in blind panic that one morning it's me on and how gutted
0:18:10 > 0:18:13the Royal Family will be when a girl with a north-east accent announces
0:18:13 > 0:18:14the death of the Queen.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Can you imagine that?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Now then, everyone,...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Just to let you know, Bet's pegged it.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25APPLAUSE.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28So every time, I get a sweat on!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Ingrid also revealed that the couple share a bedroom but Prince Philip
0:18:31 > 0:18:39also has his own in case...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41The Royal Family's Twitter account released some official
0:18:41 > 0:18:42portraits of the couple.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Here is the tweet from the Royal account.
0:18:45 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Up to that point, I thought they were well matched!
0:18:55 > 0:18:58That is just a technical error, of how the picture is displayed,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00they don't actually look like that.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I think it's time we did a little something special to mark
0:19:02 > 0:19:04this unique occasion.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Something special.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Let's do that.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Fingers on buzzers, teams, for the no expense
0:19:08 > 0:19:13spent Phil and Liz Quiz.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Right, we've got 70 questions to get through, so try
0:19:15 > 0:19:17and keep the pace up.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19What did Prince Philip give up in 1947?
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Oh, his life.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Jo.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Smoking.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27He did, he gave up smoking cigarettes.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29The Queen didn't like it, so he just stopped dead.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32He still likes to blaze a doobie though and maybe a bong
0:19:32 > 0:19:33or two at the weekends.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35The Royal couple received 2583 wedding presents,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38but what did they get 76 of?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Toasters.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42No.
0:19:42 > 0:19:4676 people gave them handkerchiefs.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49(LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT): Eh, Phil, look at all these hankies we got.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER.
0:19:52 > 0:20:00They also got...
0:20:00 > 0:20:03It is amazing that they should all think of the same thing!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05What special rule is there when the Queen
0:20:05 > 0:20:06is on the Royal train?
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Kenneth Branagh has to appear with a moustache.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13When the Queen is travelling on the Royal train, it is not
0:20:13 > 0:20:20allowed to go over bumpy tracks at 7:30am because...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22The bath on the train?
0:20:22 > 0:20:23A bath on the train.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Wow!
0:20:24 > 0:20:25I know, I know.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27It must be really irritating if you're queueing
0:20:27 > 0:20:28outside that cubicle.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33(LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT): There's somebody in 'ere!
0:20:33 > 0:20:37There's those automatic doors that open and she is like that...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Finally, what nickname did Prince William and Prince Harry
0:20:39 > 0:20:40have for the Queen?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Your Majesty.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Madge.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44The Guv'nor.
0:20:44 > 0:20:53Earlier this year it was revealed that the Princes called the Queen...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Do you reckon that is her Scouse alter ego?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59It totally is, isn't it?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Apparently it's because Prince William couldn't say
0:21:01 > 0:21:04granny when he was a baby, but I will go with
0:21:04 > 0:21:05the Scouse alter ego.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06That sounds better.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08This is the Queen and Prince Philip's 70th wedding anniversary.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10According to a Royal biographer, the secret
0:21:10 > 0:21:11of their long marriage is...
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Especially when their accountant phones them with more good news
0:21:14 > 0:21:17from the Cayman Islands.
0:21:17 > 0:21:23According to the Sunday Express, in the early days of their marriage...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Not as surprised as those carol singers that he opened the door to.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31APPLAUSE.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Your four are...
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Winston Churchill.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Hatton Garden's gang member John Kenny Collins,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40BBC newsroom staff and Mike Ashley.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42We think we know this one.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43It's about sleep.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44It is about sleep.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Because the Hatton Garden..., he was so old, he fell asleep,
0:21:47 > 0:21:51he was the lookout.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54And everyone at the BBC sleeps regularly during shifts.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Right.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56That's what we do.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Especially the breakfast lot.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Yeah, totally.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01It's three hours long, what do you want us to do?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Well, your audience are!
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Oh!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I thought we were getting on!
0:22:06 > 0:22:16And then he fell asleep in a board meeting, didn't he?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Throwing up in the fireplace.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21After he has had a few pints, I think.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23In the board meeting and Winston Churchill was always
0:22:23 > 0:22:25asleep in the afternoon, he took a lot of naps.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26The odd one out is...
0:22:26 > 0:22:27BBC.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Winston Churchill was allowed to have a nap, the others
0:22:30 > 0:22:32were all sleeping when they should have been working.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33No.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Nearly.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35You're on the right track.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Appalling answer.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I'm going to put you out of your misery.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41They all deliberately slept at work apart from Hatton Garden gang
0:22:41 > 0:22:42member John Kenny Collins.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Who accidentally dozed off twice during the
0:22:44 > 0:22:45notorious jewellery heist.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46We don't deliberately sleep at work.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Apparently, you do.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48And we have proof.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51The Hatton Garden gang did not have a lot of faith
0:22:51 > 0:22:53in John Kenny Collins, what did they call him?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Sleepy, yeah.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Dozy?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Snoozy John?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Useless bastard?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Apparently he wasn't the brightest.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Dopey.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Dimwit Collins.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Well, they called him...
0:23:04 > 0:23:11Claiming...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Why did they pick him, then?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Yeah, why did they pick him?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Well, there you go.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18What other mishaps did they get up to during the robbery?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Erm...
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Well, aside from their sleeping lookout, they gave their real
0:23:21 > 0:23:24address when buying machinery used in the robbery, they triggered
0:23:24 > 0:23:26the police alarm, they left vital clues behind including traceable
0:23:26 > 0:23:29drill parts, only two of the elderly men were slim enough to fit
0:23:29 > 0:23:37through the hole they had drilled and one man...
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Other than that, they did really well.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Now, the BBC, photos of sleeping BBC newsroom workers were taken
0:23:45 > 0:23:48by a whistle-blower over a four year period and were published in The Sun
0:23:48 > 0:23:49with this front page.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52How many workers were photographed asleep in a four year
0:23:52 > 0:23:59period do you think?
0:23:59 > 0:24:0017.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Was it one?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Eight.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Eight.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Over four years?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Over four years.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Yeah, disgraceful.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09That's not many.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Well here they are.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Here are the culprits.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12They were probably very tired.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13There is one.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14There is another one.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15I know him.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17This one is taking it quite seriously, he's even
0:24:17 > 0:24:18brought an eye mask.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20You ever had a kip in the office?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23That's what I did this afternoon, I had a power nap.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Did you?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26While I was talking to Ian.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You seem to have a lot of energy on BBC Breakfast.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29That is the drugs.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Well...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34They seem to have got a point even though
0:24:34 > 0:24:35they didn't get the answer.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I can't...
0:24:37 > 0:24:38I'm not involved with the points.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39No, that's fine.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Is he a bad loser?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41I wouldn't know.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Look and see!
0:24:42 > 0:24:47APPLAUSE.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Time now for the Missing Words Round.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54We start with...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Having a party!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00What a boring answer!
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Baking a special cake.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Getting there.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Buy a cake with 101 candles on it.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Yeah.
0:25:07 > 0:25:14202 candles.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Phyllis Jones and Irene Crump nearly set the house on fire
0:25:16 > 0:25:19when they insisted on having 101 candles on each of their cakes.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Here they are.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26LAUGHTER.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Well done!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30The pair even had a stripper although it turned out to be a real
0:25:30 > 0:25:31fireman who was just too hot.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34The Metro put the blame on...
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Don't call them that, they have lived through two World Wars!
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Next, what...
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Brexit.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Whether Eileen Jenkins was a goer or not.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50She was.
0:25:50 > 0:25:56She was.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Brexit!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You don't half go on about it at the Beeb, don't you?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04This is the news that a decisive battle in Anglo-Saxon history may
0:26:04 > 0:26:08have taken place under what is now a lay-by near Doncaster.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Historians believe that the winning tactic for King Athelstan
0:26:10 > 0:26:12was cutting off the enemy's supply lines by ransacking
0:26:12 > 0:26:14the Wild Bean Cafe at Junction 14.
0:26:14 > 0:26:22Next...
0:26:22 > 0:26:32Psychiatrist.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36She goes over the edge quite easily, doesn't she?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Delia Smith believes restaurant food has become too poncey.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Also this week, the TV cook was made a companion of honour by the Queen.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Unsurprisingly, as she has written Her Majesty's
0:26:43 > 0:26:45favourite recipe book, Cooking For One.
0:26:45 > 0:26:54Finally...
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Wife number eight.
0:26:56 > 0:27:06She can't stand him.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09This is Ron Shepherd looking for wife number nine.
0:27:09 > 0:27:16He has previously been married to...
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I think we can pinpoint the moment when he discovered the internet.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29So, the final scores are...
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Paul and Jo have six, but this week's winners are Ian
0:27:32 > 0:27:33and Steph with eight.
0:27:33 > 0:27:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42And I leave you with news that in Somerset, in an attempt
0:27:42 > 0:27:45to emulate Boris Johnson's success with Boris Bikes, Jacob Rees Mogg
0:27:45 > 0:27:49launches his own version.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52After a two-month trip overseas, one MP saunters back
0:27:52 > 0:27:54into the office not realising the rules have changed.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And at Beijing Zoo, a panda feels a sudden rush of empathy
0:27:57 > 0:27:59for a creature forced to mate against her will.
0:27:59 > 0:28:09Good night.