0:00:27 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Good evening.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44I'm Katherine Ryan.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45In the news this week...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Looking to boost her public profile in 2018,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Labour's Emily Thornberry doesn't hold back at the Strictly
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Come Dancing auditions.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02At a department store in Leicester, there's evidence that the boss's son
0:01:02 > 0:01:06may not be taking his work experience seriously enough.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And in London, there are fears the RSPCA may have developed
0:01:12 > 0:01:16a paramilitary wing.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27On Ian's team tonight is a writer and co-presenter of Pointless whose
0:01:27 > 0:01:30many talents include TV production, appearing on quiz shows
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and pretending to enjoy Alexander Armstrong's Christmas album.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Please welcome Richard Osman!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Hiya.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41APPLAUSE.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43And with Paul tonight, an actor and comedian whose Fringe
0:01:43 > 0:01:46show was described as "one of the most breath-taking monologues
0:01:46 > 0:01:47you'll see in Edinburgh".
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Well, unless you've ever tried to pay a Scottish taxi driver
0:01:49 > 0:01:50with an English tenner.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Please welcome Desiree Burch.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57APPLAUSE.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Paul and Desiree, take a look at this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Ah, yes, a town crier.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06This is about one of the happier unions between this
0:02:06 > 0:02:08country and America.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10There is the Royal Family out on a night out.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Yes, this is good news for the Royal Family and Royal
0:02:13 > 0:02:15watchers that Prince Harry and Meghan, is it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Are getting married next year.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20You must be the only person who doesn't know her name.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Yeah, I kind of sort of haven't been following it, to be honest.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Meghan something.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Markle.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Really?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Yes, she's Chancellor of Germany.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35And she's also a little old lady detective who solves crimes.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Oh, yes.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39He's getting married to Margaret Rutherford.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41So, yeah, they're getting married in May because there's
0:02:41 > 0:02:44a baby due in April.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47His brother is having a baby.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49His brother's having a baby?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51They've moved on!
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Quite progressive now.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Exactly, yes.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55William and the one he's married to.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56He's married to Poirot.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59That's the one, Poirot, yeah.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01How have you avoided this big news?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Well, because I don't live next door to them,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I can sort of turn the TV off when it comes on.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08You don't feel like partaking in their joy?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11No...
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Some people have said, there's things going on in the world,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16why are people going on about it?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I genuinely think, as a country, we have seen that little boy up
0:03:19 > 0:03:22and he lost his mum and he's turned into this rather mischievous,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24naughty, sort of funny, kind boy and he's obviously met
0:03:24 > 0:03:26someone lovely and is getting married.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29And I think, if you can't take a bit of joy at that,
0:03:29 > 0:03:30what can you take joy at?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31That's nice, Richard.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32APPLAUSE.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Can I just say, you've all lost your edge?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I'm disappointed in you.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42It's just nice that it's not Brexit or Trump.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I know that's the next two rounds, but...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It's a short break.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It's a fantasy holiday.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52So is that the right answer?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53It is!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55This is further evidence of the acceptance of minority ethnic
0:03:55 > 0:03:58people, as a beautiful American actress is set to wed
0:03:58 > 0:04:03a ginger person.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Here's the thing I don't get.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Because when I was reading all of the million stories about them,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09it said that they met on a blind date.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12How do you go on a blind date with a prince?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It's like, OK, so tell me more about him.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Well, OK, he's a redhead, I know you like that.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20What does he do for a living?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Well, he was in the military but then he's now just kind
0:04:23 > 0:04:27of living off the state.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Well, in America they had an entire reality show,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32something to the effect of Who Wants To Marry Harry?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34And they had all these women, Bachelor-style, vying for the tiara
0:04:34 > 0:04:39and they just stick in any old random ginger actor
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and they believed it was him!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45They were like, I think I'm the one to be the Princess,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I really like Harry.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49They didn't know.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I lost a long-standing bet that he was going to get
0:04:52 > 0:04:53married to a Kardashian.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54I'm gutted!
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I thought it would've been lovely to unite the two great Houses.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Which one do you feel like he would marry?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Umm...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Name them for me.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Obviously the press devoted a lot of pages to the story.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10The Mail went with, "The Stars Were All Aligned".
0:05:10 > 0:05:12The Express went with, "The Look Of Love".
0:05:12 > 0:05:14The Sun? "She's The One!"
0:05:14 > 0:05:20But The Star went with, "Let's All Have It Orf!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:21What is that?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23It's a posh way of saying "off".
0:05:23 > 0:05:24It's orf.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Let's have it orf.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Suggesting a Bank Holiday, which we're not gonna have.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Oh, really?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Yeah, seems a shame.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I tell you what, you'd have the day off if you get invited, though.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36This would be a good place to pitch for that.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Yeah...
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You've done a very good pronunciation of "orf".
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Somehow I feel my invite won't be on the way.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Wait, you get a holiday when Royals get married?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You get to have the day off to watch it on television?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50That's why we've got them.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52It's not always a day off.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54But Theresa May could have let us have a holiday anyway.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Like the whole week off, because she won't be around
0:05:57 > 0:05:59in the spring to worry about it anyway.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01How did Jeremy Corbyn express his delight at the news?
0:06:01 > 0:06:02He sang.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07# Oh, Meghan Merkel...
0:06:07 > 0:06:12I'm just hearing an invitation being ripped up.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Jeremy tried to express his delight at the news but he was betrayed
0:06:15 > 0:06:18by typical BBC anti-Corbyn bias.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21When he meant to say how much he admired Harry and his brother,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23the subtitles machine had Corbyn as saying, "He really admired
0:06:23 > 0:06:32Harry and Hezbollah".
0:06:32 > 0:06:34What does the immediate future hold for Meghan?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37They've got to decide whose to go to for Christmas.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Is it Balmoral or is it...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Where's she from?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Well, she's from LA and her dad lives in Mexico.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49So definitely go see her side of the family for the holidays.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I imagine they'll be going to Balmoral, that's my guess.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I imagine the Queen will have put her foot down.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58MANCUNIAN ACCENT: You're coming to Balmoral with us, alright?
0:06:58 > 0:07:04I told you 14 times, you're not going to Mexico!
0:07:04 > 0:07:10Right, put on a paper hat and pretend you're enjoying yourself.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I love the fact that the Royal Family put
0:07:12 > 0:07:16on crowns on Christmas Day!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Well, Meghan will get to see at all.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20She'll have to spend Christmas with the entire
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Royal Family at Sandringham, where, according to The Telegraph...
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Maybe they'll play a board game?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Pointless, maybe, Richard?
0:07:29 > 0:07:35The board game is not great, I'm gonna honest with you.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38That's the first non-advert I've ever heard!
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Meghan is a big fan of Pointless, did you know that?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43I did not know that.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Here she is on an American chat show appearance where she insisted
0:07:46 > 0:07:47on this as her walk-on music.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Please welcome the lovely Meghan Markle, everybody!
0:07:50 > 0:07:57POINTLESS THEME PLAYS.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Wow!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00You look sensational!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Are you allowed to say that on television?
0:08:02 > 0:08:06She seems to have forgotten to wear her trousers.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09The audience were obviously very disappointed that it wasn't Richard
0:08:09 > 0:08:10walking out on stage.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Oh, yeah, they'd have loved that!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13It's the Pointless music!
0:08:13 > 0:08:14I know it is.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I'm ready to go, I'm ready to record four shows, let's do it!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Well, she does look sensational, she looks sensational.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Yeah, she does look fantastic.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I don't understand how you get the right balance of nutrients to be
0:08:24 > 0:08:27that thin but have that much glossy hair.
0:08:27 > 0:08:33I can fill you in.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35This is very happy news that Prince Harry is to
0:08:35 > 0:08:40marry his first wife.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Meghan Markle's Instagram site proudly displays her feminist
0:08:42 > 0:08:46credentials with this motto...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52In a way, she has smashed through a glass ceiling.
0:08:52 > 0:08:5530 years ago, Prince Philip would have been making jokes
0:08:55 > 0:08:57about people of colour, now he's got one
0:08:57 > 0:09:00in the Secret Santa.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Ian and Richard, take a look at this.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05There's a turkey.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08That's the internet, I presume.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Yeah, Trump.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12His life continues to be a cross between Last
0:09:12 > 0:09:19Of The Summer Wine and The Omen.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21He's retweeted some stuff in the middle of the night.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Which is what he does.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Is that the story?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25It is!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Trump retweeted a clip and it was captioned...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Dutch officials have made it very clear the assailant in the video
0:09:33 > 0:09:35was neither Muslim nor a migrant.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Other videos had a similar theme and were also questionably labelled.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Who had tweeted these videos in the first place?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Well, it was this Britain First organisation.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46They're fringe fascists and they put together this stuff.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48But this is what Isis does.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52It gets video clips out of context, chops them up and then uses them
0:09:52 > 0:09:53to try and brainwash people.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55It's doing exactly the same thing.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59And you're the President of the United States and you do that.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Late at night, in your underpants, looking at the television.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03I have no evidence for that.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06You have no evidence?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08That is fake news.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12He's probably wearing pyjamas.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15They're suggesting now, because of these things
0:10:15 > 0:10:17that he retweeted and then he had a go at Theresa May
0:10:17 > 0:10:20as well, that they should cancel the State visit.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22My view would be, bring it on!
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Let's have him over here.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Let's make that a Bank Holiday.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Imagine that.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Imagine those streets.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Young and old, Muslim, Christian, lining every street in Britain,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40booing an orange racist.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41That would be amazing.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I saw what you guys did to David Blaine.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48There was a Labour MP that said he should come and he should be
0:10:48 > 0:10:49arrested for inciting racial hatred.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Now wouldn't that be a story?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Arresting the President of the United States of America.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I bet the US wouldn't extradite him either!
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Keep him.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00All yours.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03We've never heard of him.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Prime Minister Theresa May released a statement criticising Trump's
0:11:05 > 0:11:08actions and accusing Britain First of peddling lies.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10How did Trump respond?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12He was very rude to her.
0:11:12 > 0:11:18And he said, you concentrate on the Islamic terror in your midst.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20He tweeted the wrong Theresa May at first.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21It was another Theresa May.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I'm not sure who she is.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25It's a woman with six followers, it's not our Prime Minister.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28That is our Prime Minister!
0:11:28 > 0:11:33APPLAUSE.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Do you feel that Theresa May needs to stay on the right side of Trump?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Don't we need someone to trade with after Brexit?
0:11:39 > 0:11:44Oh, we've got loads of people...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47We're going to re-establish our close ties with the Philippines.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50We've got a big deal coming up with Narnia.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52All you've got to do is find the right wardrobe,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55we've always said.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58But on the subject of Brexit, it looks like the Brexit bill
0:11:58 > 0:11:59will be 50 billion euros.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Is everybody happy about that?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Is this what people voted for?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05They were told a year ago it would be 50 billion.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Boris said, no, we're not going to pay a penny.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10That's a clue, when he says that.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13But it's true, we're not going to pay a penny.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16And that they can go and whistle.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Which they then whistled, and we came running and gave them
0:12:19 > 0:12:20a cheque for 50 billion.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Wait, this is £50 billion or euros?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26About the same thing.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30If you work that out, it's a tiny price to pay.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35That's, like, three bottles of coconut water from Waitrose.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37It was always going to be 50 billion.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Everyone knew.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41They could have just paid it immediately but weren't allowed
0:12:41 > 0:12:42to because it looked bad.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Just think, look, don't do Article 50 so you give yourself all the time
0:12:45 > 0:12:46in the world to negotiate.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Get the legal stuff out of the way, get that done, and then
0:12:50 > 0:12:50you start negotiating.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52That's how to negotiate.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54There's absolutely no reason why you can't have a successful Brexit,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56but not the way they're doing it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57You're wasted in television.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58I often am, yeah.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03APPLAUSE.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Theresa May will hope the final offer on payment will show that
0:13:05 > 0:13:08sufficient progress has been made for the EU to begin trade talks,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10but what might scupper this plan?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12This is the next problem, the Irish border.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14But they'll come to some sort of compromise.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16We're very good at that.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Perhaps they'll build a wall and make Bono pay for it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:26Even cheaper, just get Jedward to stand there.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27We'll all be micro-chipped soon.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29My cat has a microchip so that the cat flap
0:13:29 > 0:13:31only opens for him.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Are you suggesting we micro-chip the entire population
0:13:33 > 0:13:35of Northern Ireland?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I'm not suggesting, I'm saying it's coming!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Back to Trump.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42What is Donald Trump doing to celebrate Christmas?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Is this the awful, ugly Christmas decorations?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I mean, Melania thinks they're very beautiful!
0:13:48 > 0:13:58HEAVY ACCENT: "Oh, no, me, Melania, number one lady of USA."
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Yeah, she's helping to get ready for Christmas.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05But some people say she's not quite captured the festive spirit.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Let's have a look.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I mean, if a child drew that in crayon, you would take
0:14:15 > 0:14:18them straight into care.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21We should do a Kickstarter to go and save her, shouldn't we?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Helicopter her out.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23The whole thing...
0:14:23 > 0:14:26We don't have a clip of it but there are ballerinas
0:14:26 > 0:14:27just dancing for her.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28She's stood there.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31If it were any more Freudian, she'd just be in a withered
0:14:31 > 0:14:33chair in the corner, rocking back and forth.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Just her face, you know that contractually obliged handjob
0:14:35 > 0:14:39is around the corner.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43That's probably the best way to do it, when you're around the corner.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Shall we move away from this troubling subject?
0:14:48 > 0:14:53Yeah.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Someone has genuinely made and sells this online.
0:14:57 > 0:15:03From the trees rose a resounding voice, "I fear nothing,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06"I come when the trumpet sounds.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11"I am the storm, the great American grizzly".
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Introducing the original Trumpy Bear, the fearless super
0:15:13 > 0:15:17plush American grizzly.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Trumpy Bear was born June 14, Flag Day.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Just find the secret zipper and pull out the American
0:15:23 > 0:15:25flag themed blanket.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29God bless America and got God bless Trumpy Bear.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33You know, there's nothing like making you feel like a patriot
0:15:33 > 0:15:36as you pull your country's flag out of a bear's arse.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Does it every time for me.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39You could hide a gun back there.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40It's always about hiding guns.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43They should fix that amendment, the right of bears to be armed.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Pretty good.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I would really like one of those bears.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I'm going to go on record as saying it because it's before Christmas
0:15:50 > 0:15:53and there'll be people at home thinking what to get me.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You're gonna get 75 of those bears now.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56I would kind of love one.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58What would you do with a Trumpy Bear?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh, I don't know. I'd probably impeach it.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:04This is Donald Trump who has somehow managed to tweet
0:16:04 > 0:16:07something even more stupid and offensive than his own thoughts.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Despite the current furore, President Trump...
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Oh wait, no!
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Woo!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Despite the current furore, President Trump is still...
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Fuhrer?
0:16:16 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:25That's the best Freudian slip I've ever seen.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I read it wrong.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Despite the current furore, President Trump is still scheduled
0:16:31 > 0:16:32to make a transatlantic trip next year.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34He'll visit Britain First.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Then the EDL, finishing off with the BNP.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41And so to round two - the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45BUZZER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Desiree.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52This is this really old dumb guy who wants to, like, go in a rocket.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Richard Branson?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Yes, but even Branson knows that the world is round.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03And this guy doesn't.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04It does say research Flat Earth.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07So you're saying that he thinks the Earth is flat and he's built
0:17:07 > 0:17:09a rocket to prove it?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10To research it.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Uh-uh.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Yes.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16This is the news we'll have to wait a little bit longer to know for sure
0:17:16 > 0:17:18if the Earth is round or flat, after an important
0:17:18 > 0:17:19experiment was postponed.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Who was behind the mission?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22His name's like Mad Max or something.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23but, like, not.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24It's something like that, like mad...
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Mad Mike.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26There you go.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29What has Mad Mike been up to in his garage recently?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Presumably he's been building a rocket.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Yeah.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Is that not the answer we were looking for?
0:17:34 > 0:17:35That's the answer.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Yeah, brilliant.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38You're so good.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40He has been building a steam powered rocket from scrap metal...
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Steam powered?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Yes.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48He was meant to launch the rocket, with him in it, last Saturday.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Why didn't it go to plan? He's been sectioned.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:56The California Bureau of Land Management did not
0:17:56 > 0:17:57give him the right permits.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Mike told Youtube:
0:18:05 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I mean, I hate to say it.
0:18:10 > 0:18:16But I'm starting to lose confidence in Mad Mike.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18How has tech-genius Elon Musk got into a debate
0:18:18 > 0:18:21with the Flat Earth Society?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25My son was telling me the other day that the Flat Earth Society had
0:18:25 > 0:18:27a tweet saying, "We're proud to have members around the globe".
0:18:27 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Yes, they do.
0:18:34 > 0:18:42I think Elon Musk tweeted, he said, "Explain to me,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Flat Earth Society, why Mars isn't flat".
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Yes, Elon Musk said:
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Wow.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Meanwhile, who was recently discovered to have been
0:18:56 > 0:18:58using witchcraft in modern Britain?
0:18:58 > 0:18:59And what for?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Oh, the water authorities.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Yeah.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05There was a story last week, about nine out of 11 water
0:19:05 > 0:19:10authorities still use dowsing rods to try and find water underground.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12And these are the people who are experts in searching
0:19:12 > 0:19:15for water, so presumably they're getting some kind of result
0:19:15 > 0:19:16otherwise they wouldn't bother.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Some people have an explanation.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Some scientists say the rods are made to move by subconscious
0:19:20 > 0:19:22movement of the hand called the "ideomotor effect".
0:19:22 > 0:19:25That's how Trump tweets, as well.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27So it's just like a water ouija board?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Yes, it is like a ouija board.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Oh, OK.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It explains ouija boards and why 5 million people
0:19:32 > 0:19:36still watch The One Show.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Don't start having a go at The One Show, come on.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39I know.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40You're better than that.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41We appeared in it together.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It was a magical evening.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Yes, with Seal.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46And someone came on just before Seal and said,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"Seal doesn't shake hands, Seal doesn't shake hands".
0:19:48 > 0:19:51He was like this.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Who's Seal?
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Seal is the...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Is the...
0:19:58 > 0:20:02You usually know him by his first two names, Lord Privy.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03LAUGHTER
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Yes, I'm with you now.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Not every UK water company employs water diviners.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12A spokesman for Anglia Water said:
0:20:15 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:23Though it turns out that's what they call telephones.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Just one between you this week, so fingers on buzzers.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Your four are: The BBC's news bulletin from 18th April 1930.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35The 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37The Middle of the World Monument in Ecuador.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38And Charles the Bald.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40BUZZER
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Paul and Desiree.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Sorry about that, what's your name?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Ian.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I've got a feeling that just looking at this thing
0:20:49 > 0:20:51from April 1930, the BBC.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Wasn't there a day in the history of the BBC where they said
0:20:54 > 0:20:55there is no news today?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Yes, and they said, listen to some music.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Yes, yes.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Is that the one?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00That is part of it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02So that's something that the news broadcaster wasn't.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Charles the Bald presumably wasn't bald.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07A lot of people are called bald who aren't at all.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Just move move your head a minute, the light's
0:21:10 > 0:21:11shining right in my eyes.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:15That's probably not the actual middle of the Earth.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18No, that's probably not the middle of the Earth either,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20but it's the most convenient place because it was near where
0:21:20 > 0:21:22they made the bricks.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Charles the Bald is who they named the airport
0:21:24 > 0:21:25after in Paris, isn't it?
0:21:25 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:29They claim that to be the biggest teddy bear in the world
0:21:29 > 0:21:31but it probably isn't, so it's about things that claim
0:21:31 > 0:21:33to be what they are but aren't.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35The teddy bear is the biggest teddy bear.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36BUZZER
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Is the teddy bear the odd one out?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40A six foot five teddy bear is my tinder profile.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It's the only one that fits.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Are you six foot five exactly? Like the bear.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49No, I'm six foot seven, so it doesn't work at all.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52None of them are as described except for the Joyfay six foot
0:21:52 > 0:21:55five giant teddy bear, but how did the giant bear
0:21:55 > 0:21:56catch people unaware?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Richard Osman hopped out of it. And said, "I'm here for our date".
0:21:59 > 0:22:01"This thing is two inches too small!".
0:22:01 > 0:22:02That's what she said.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Woo!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Here's the promo shot of the normal bear.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11And here's what customers got.
0:22:11 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:22He's had a rough night, hasn't he?
0:22:22 > 0:22:27That is literally me after a bottle of Baileys.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Who was this bear originally aimed at, which target market?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Men who want to have sex with bears.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Very close.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Women who want to have sex with bears.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Bears that want to have sex with bears.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42That's just bears, isn't it?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43That is bears.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48That is bears.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It was originally a Valentines gift that was kind of
0:22:50 > 0:22:55a replacement for a boyfriend.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Well, none of them are as described, except for the Joyfay six foot
0:22:58 > 0:22:59five giant teddy bear.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02On the 18th of April, 1930, a BBC radio announcer actually said,
0:23:02 > 0:23:03"There is no news".
0:23:03 > 0:23:05A day when literally nothing happened.
0:23:05 > 0:23:11Welcome to Canada every single day.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Time now for the Missing Words round.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Which this week features as its guest publication
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Pathetic Motorways.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19It's quite a middle-of-the-road publication...
0:23:19 > 0:23:23To start with:
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Sir Alexander Armstrong.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29You'd love that, wouldn't you, Richard?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I'm a big fan of his music.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31And his voice.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh, don't be ridiculous.
0:23:33 > 0:23:39It is, inexplicably, a cement mixer.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42The mixer is a favourite instrument of experimental
0:23:42 > 0:23:44musician, Jean-Herve Peron.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Let's see him churning out one of his greatest hits.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Has it been tuned?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:58That was God rest ye Merry Cemententlemen.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Next.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Travelling in a rocket to figure out if the world's flat or not.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Staplehurst to Charing Cross, 652.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Yeah, it's got to be a motorway one, hasn't it?
0:24:14 > 0:24:15The M6 to the M7.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16You're right with M.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:20One.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22It's the trip down the M180.
0:24:22 > 0:24:28Oh, we'd have been here a long time.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32This is the M180, which is largely in Lincolnshire, although:
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Only to hear the traditional Yorkshire
0:24:36 > 0:24:38response, "Sod off back to Lincolnshire".
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Finally, anger after...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Is that how they talk in Yorkshire?
0:24:41 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:49Well, I can't do the accent...
0:24:49 > 0:24:50"Oh, oh no, I live in Yorkshire".
0:24:50 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I think you're mixing it up with sex offenders.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Just be lucky that I don't have a Canadian one.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58I really don't.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Cos those are bad.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01I'll do the rest of the show in Canadian.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05OK, fair enough.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Anger after woman is told she can't what on...?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08That's a Yorkshire accent.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09That's a Yorkshire.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11OK, let's go back to what it was.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13OK.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Is it, take a dump on Sunderland?
0:25:18 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:24It is:
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Here is Helen Hook with the offending item.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36oh, she should be allowed to take that on board.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38What is it? Like a Geordie hummus?
0:25:38 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I know it's made with high explosive, I know that.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47That's the only thing I know about it.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49She's very upset about it, though.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Look how upset she is.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55She's like, "I've got a shot glass of Geordie hummus and..."
0:25:55 > 0:25:57"I was gonna dump this all over Sunderland".
0:25:57 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:25:59That's the one accent that's my favourite,
0:25:59 > 0:26:00that I also can't do.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I'm going to learn it one day.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It's about the hardest one, the Geordie accent.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I can go, "Hey, it's me, Cheryl Cole.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12"The nation's sweetheart".
0:26:12 > 0:26:15One way of doing it is to be able to mention two Walt Disney
0:26:15 > 0:26:17characters, Mickey Mouse and Pluto.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Or if you're into wrestling you can do
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Mick McManus and Kendo Nagasaki.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Yeah.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Even better, even better.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER
0:26:25 > 0:26:30Kendo Nagasaki.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33And is that why they can't eat solid food because they have like a...?
0:26:33 > 0:26:38Very tight back there.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41So, the final scores are, Paul and Desiree have seven.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Ian and Richard have five.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45APPLAUSE
0:26:47 > 0:26:51But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55It's the government's new affordable housing.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I can't wait for our giant teddy bear to turn up.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:02 > 0:27:07That is literally a picture of me and my partner.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09You're like a Great Dane crossed with Stephen Hawking.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14You know.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17That must been a hell of a romance.
0:27:22 > 0:27:22Really like, long and lean, but really clever, as well.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Is it time for the rest of us to go?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I thought that was a nice thing to say.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Yeah.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38I tell you what, I'll think of a dog and a scientist who you're
0:27:38 > 0:27:39like and we'll see if that's funny.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41LAUGHTER
0:27:41 > 0:27:45APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:52You're like Marie Curie and a miniature schnauzer.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55And I leave you with news that in Myanmar, after a personal
0:27:55 > 0:27:58audience with Aung San Suu Ki, Pope Francis insists she listened
0:27:58 > 0:28:03carefully to all of his criticisms.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05In the middle of a recording of Pointless, an opportunistic
0:28:05 > 0:28:12thief makes off with Richard Osman's bicycle.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I'd like to see a Great Dane riding that.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Or indeed Stephen Hawking.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20LAUGHTER
0:28:20 > 0:28:22And in Italy, Silvio Berlusconi looks to move
0:28:22 > 0:28:24on from past misdemeanours, as he relaunches himself
0:28:24 > 0:28:29as a serious leadership contender.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Goodnight.