0:00:36 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Good evening.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Mel Giedroyc.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49In the news this week, shocking footage reveals that
0:00:49 > 0:00:52not even the management at the Sports Direct warehouse get
0:00:52 > 0:00:59time for their lunch break.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05In Saudi Arabia, traditionalists worst fears are confirmed,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07that letting women drive on the roads was just
0:01:07 > 0:01:13the thin end of the wedge.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And the BBC's Autumn Watch inundated with complaints as new footage
0:01:17 > 0:01:22captures all too vividly the savage cruelty of nature.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who was recently described by one
0:01:33 > 0:01:35critic as hamster cheeked.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36I disagree.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I think he's got a lovely bottom.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.
0:01:40 > 0:01:47Hal.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:51And with Paul tonight is an award-winning writer whose
0:01:51 > 0:02:01book, The Boy With The Topknot, follows his parents lives
0:02:02 > 0:02:04from rural Punjab to the steps of the Wolverhampton tourist
0:02:04 > 0:02:07office, whose staff surely have the toughest job in the world.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Please welcome Sathnam Sanghera.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Paul and Sathnam, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Ah, yes, this is the never ending story.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19There is, oh, God, look at him, there he is.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20David Davis.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21There's a photograph of the DUP.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23And that's a man getting very annoyed.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24He can't believe it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27He's just lost out on a Kevin Costner lookalike competition.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Yeah, so this is about the Irish border, between Northern Ireland
0:02:29 > 0:02:30and the Republic of Ireland.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It's got to be sorted out before Sunday in
0:02:33 > 0:02:35a couple of days' time, so, and then it will
0:02:35 > 0:02:36all be all right.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Nice.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Sathnam, anything?
0:02:38 > 0:02:43So basically, this is Theresa May's latest attempt to make Brexit
0:02:43 > 0:02:45happen, even though she backed Remain and she's been vetoed
0:02:45 > 0:02:50by the DUP, who are for Brexit, although they represent
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Northern Ireland, which voted Remain and the whole thing is being opposed
0:02:53 > 0:02:55by Jeremy Corbyn who said he was Remain but actually
0:02:55 > 0:02:56is probably Brexit.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58So Brexit is just going really well.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00You make that sound incredibly easy.
0:03:00 > 0:03:10It is, as David Davis said.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Is he the thickest man who's ever lived, David Davis?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15The thickest?
0:03:15 > 0:03:16The thickest man who's ever lived.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I mean, there's probably other thicker people but I can't think
0:03:19 > 0:03:20of them at the moment.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Did you see his appearance yesterday, well on Wednesday it was,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25when he appeared in front of a Parliamentary select
0:03:25 > 0:03:27committee and said, oh, no, we haven't done anything.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Nothing.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I know I said we'd done loads of things, but you know, we haven't.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32I secretly though...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34No, don't, keep it a secret.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Oh, no.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Oh, sorry.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Were you about to say that you secretly fancy him?
0:03:38 > 0:03:39No, not fancy him.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I've always quite liked his style, David Davis.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42David Davis?!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44What do you mean his style?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I've got a feeling, that whole thing when he is,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48you know, what is it, all the tests they're
0:03:48 > 0:03:49meant to be doing.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Impact assessments.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Yes.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I've got a feeling that he's doing it to make sure
0:03:54 > 0:03:57we all still have a lovely Christmas and don't see the truth.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Do you know what I mean?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I just, I just can't think he's got evil intentions.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02And you call Davis the thickest man.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03I withdraw my comment.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06He had a very bad day, even if you like him.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I think his argument was that the parliament was asking
0:04:09 > 0:04:12for impact assessments but actually what he had was sectoral analysis,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16so therefore he didn't have to produce it.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18And it's a bit like saying, I haven't produced the homework
0:04:18 > 0:04:28because you call it home work but I call it ham work.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Even the stuff he had, he said there is some enormous
0:04:33 > 0:04:36document and that he's only read the start of it and then gave up.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It's understandable though because Brexit
0:04:38 > 0:04:39is really boring, you know.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42For me, more than anything else, it feels like a really long
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Indian wedding, you know?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46You've been stuck in a marquee in Luton for five days.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Your uncles are talking about the buy-to-let market,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52there's another five days to go and basically you will do
0:04:52 > 0:05:00anything to get out of it up to and including agreeing to Brexit.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02So, is it like a long Indian divorce then?
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Oh, we don't divorce.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Oh, right.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05No.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09This is indeed news that arguments about boring old Brexit,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12as you said, have been overshadowed by arguments about scary
0:05:12 > 0:05:15old Northern Ireland.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16It all came up at lunch.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Really?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Very unpleasant.
0:05:18 > 0:05:24Jean-Claude...
0:05:24 > 0:05:27It was a celebratory lunch and in the middle of it she gets
0:05:27 > 0:05:30a phone call to say, oh, sorry, you know
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I said over starters that I've agreed everything?
0:05:32 > 0:05:33I haven't.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34We are going home.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35And that was it.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Arlene Foster phoned up, said "No", which is a traditional
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Northern Irish greeting.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43My wife is from the Northern Ireland Unionist community
0:05:43 > 0:05:47and I would warn Theresa May, you do not mess with these people.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52I just, I've so many times had my plans smashed.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Like what, Hal, like what?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Can I go for a curry with Marcus and Simon?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59No!
0:05:59 > 0:06:05You know, it's...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I just think Theresa's going to end up sleeping on the couch.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Does anyone know, what's the difference between no
0:06:10 > 0:06:13regulatory divergence and continued regulatory alignment?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Divergence is what the DUP fear in thinking that Northern Ireland
0:06:15 > 0:06:19might be different in some way than the rest of the UK,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22which it is in lots of other ways which they don't mind
0:06:22 > 0:06:23in the slightest.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25There's different laws there, there's different regulations there,
0:06:25 > 0:06:26not least the libel laws.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27This is interesting now.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28This is great.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30This is great.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34The DUP want to be close to the UK on this issue but they don't
0:06:34 > 0:06:37on things like gay marriage and abortion, things that might drag
0:06:37 > 0:06:39them out the 1950s.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Sorry, but I just said that to stick it to the in-laws, really.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46But, no, I do...
0:06:46 > 0:06:48How's Christmas looking?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Awkward.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55I might get very ill and not be able to go.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59What, according to The Times, is Theresa May's fundamental problem?
0:06:59 > 0:07:04I should know this, given I work for the Times.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Yeah, come on, Sathnam.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I have no idea.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Fudge.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Fudge.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13She's been trying to fudge her way through the EU negotiations.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That's what negotiations are, aren't they?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Exactly.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17You know she's diabetic?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19That's a slightly unfortunate thing to pick up on.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23There will be a fudge.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Just wait until this is on Dave.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26This will all be laughed at.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28What do the Labour Party think should be done
0:07:28 > 0:07:29in the EU negotiations?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32They think they should keep very, very quiet in case anyone notices
0:07:32 > 0:07:34that they haven't got an idea either.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You're absolutely right.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37They are not saying anything and according
0:07:37 > 0:07:41to the Telegraph:
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Oh dear.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I think John McDonnell will be visiting them with his ice pick.
0:07:54 > 0:08:02Who is the real architect of this whole sorry ruddy mess?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Cameron.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04David Cameron, yeah.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Dave.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Cambo.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08He decided to gamble the country's future on a referendum,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11just to settle a pathetic argument in his mental party.
0:08:11 > 0:08:16APPLAUSE
0:08:16 > 0:08:22I think we send the letters about BBC bias to you.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Would you like to see a baby that looks like David Cameron?
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Yeah, absolutely.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Come on, here we go.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34That is Bobby Carter there, a little baby who's been in the news
0:08:34 > 0:08:38this week for his exceptional head of Cameron-esque hair.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Fantastic hair.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Who is still raking it in from the EU?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46TOGETHER: Oh, Nigel Farage.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh, in unison, team.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49He's got a pension now, hasn't he?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Yes, do you know how much?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Oh, £67,000 a year.
0:08:52 > 0:08:5373,000.
0:08:53 > 0:08:5473,000.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Do we play higher and lower?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00He thinks his family shouldn't suffer so he's very kindly decided
0:09:00 > 0:09:02to take this pension from the EU.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Yes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08I don't remember that figure on the side of the bus, do you?
0:09:08 > 0:09:15I hardly dare ask this, but, Hal, do you quite like Nigel Farage?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Do you know what, can I say one thing about Nigel Farage?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22He has the voice of an angel, doesn't he?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24It's quite gravelly.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25It's quite gravelly.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Do angels have particularly gravelly voices?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Mary, you're going to have a baby, do you know what I mean?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Now, Joseph, he ain't the father, but, you know, keep him
0:09:33 > 0:09:38sweet, keep him sweet.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41He's going to be the son of God, you're going to call him Jesus.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Must go.
0:09:42 > 0:09:52APPLAUSE
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Um, although...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06News just in, the government has just
0:10:06 > 0:10:08proposed a draft agreement and they are discussing it
0:10:08 > 0:10:10with the DUP as we speak.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Has it all been settled?
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Oh, thank goodness for that.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13All that cynicism.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Quite right.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Good old Mrs May, sorted it out.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17The EU Commission said talks would continue
0:10:17 > 0:10:20into the night, adding, tonight, more than ever, stay tuned.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23This is Theresa May's attempt to ruin the Good Friday Agreement
0:10:23 > 0:10:24with the Really Bad Monday Agreement.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28A senior DUP figure said:
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Well, to be fair, when talking
0:10:31 > 0:10:33about Brexit, that's just about the only way
0:10:33 > 0:10:34you can stay awake.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37After Nigel Farage revealed that he intends to claim his EU
0:10:37 > 0:10:39pension of £73,000 a year, he denied he was a hypocrite, saying:
0:10:43 > 0:10:46So, in the festive spirit, let's pull out his giblets and shove
0:10:46 > 0:10:53an onion up his arse.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Ian and Hal, take a look at this.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Yes, this is people logging into important sites, Private.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04That's a magazine with one word left off it.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Oh, here we are.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06It's the police.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Time to invade the House of Commons.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12This is how policing in Britain works.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16A man was apparently accessing porn nine years ago, legally,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19and the police found this out, waited and then released
0:11:19 > 0:11:22the information which was confidential into the public domain
0:11:22 > 0:11:25later for their own purposes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28The policeman was called Bob Quick, which given he took nine
0:11:28 > 0:11:32years to report this...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It's all so slightly pornographic, Bob Quick, isn't it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It's what you need to be if you're watching porn at work, isn't it?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42No, you're absolutely right, Ian and Hal.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45This is the ongoing scandal over claims pornography was found
0:11:45 > 0:11:48on Damian Green's House of Commons computer.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Neil Lewis, who was responsible for seizing and analysing Green's
0:11:50 > 0:11:54computer at the time, sparked controversy this week
0:11:54 > 0:11:55after disclosing confidential information gathered
0:11:55 > 0:11:56during the investigation.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Lewis said he found:
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Which, does sound a bit weird,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07but if it's what you're into and it's not harming anyone,
0:12:07 > 0:12:13then I'm cool with that.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Why are Damian Green's troubles particularly
0:12:14 > 0:12:15difficult for Theresa May?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18She was very good friends with him at university.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19And that's it, isn't it?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23You know, Jesus, she's very close to him politically.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25So if he isn't fired, people might say it's
0:12:25 > 0:12:28because he was her good friend.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30A Cabinet source told the Sunday Times:
0:12:40 > 0:12:44I bet that was on one of the videos.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Sorry.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52And we should say that Damian Green is adamant he has:
0:12:56 > 0:12:58How might Jeremy Corbyn find himself near some
0:12:58 > 0:13:01pornography very soon?
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Oh, you mean if GQ is displayed on the top shelf.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Yes, he is on the cover of GQ.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09This is Jeremy Corbyn.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Ding-dong, Jeremy!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Look at that.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Do you think that his real body or have they superimposed his head?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19He does come out very well, doesn't he?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21A very attractive man.
0:13:21 > 0:13:28Do you think he's been airbrushed.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I think he might have been a little touched up.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Do you want to have a look at the original picture?
0:13:36 > 0:13:44According to editor Dylan Jones, taking the picture was:
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Dylan Jones, by the way, wrote the most sycophantic book
0:13:47 > 0:13:49about David Cameron in the history of sycophantic books.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51He is a bit of a right winger.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Do you think they did it hoping it would backfire, so they did him up,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57thought they'd make him look ridiculous, and actually he turns
0:13:57 > 0:13:58out to be a bit of a stunner?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01It's a strange editorial approach, putting people on the cover,
0:14:01 > 0:14:02just to laugh at them.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Really?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04I mean...
0:14:04 > 0:14:05There's no future in that.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09It'll never work.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Yes, this is the ongoing scandal over claims pornography was found
0:14:12 > 0:14:14on Damian Green's office computer.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17You may not believe this, but while I was researching this
0:14:17 > 0:14:27story about Damian Green, pornographic images
0:14:30 > 0:14:32and the Metropolitan Police, someone actually sent me
0:14:32 > 0:14:35a dick pic, which I'm going to share with you now.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Commissioner Cressida Dick there, doing a fine job.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Also this week, the Social Mobility Commission resigned en masse,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41saying that the Prime Minister was failing in her bid
0:14:41 > 0:14:42to build a fairer Britain.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45When she came to power, Theresa May promised to help those
0:14:45 > 0:14:47who found themselves just about managing.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Little knowing that one year on, that would be her.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Right, and so to round two.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51The picture spin quiz.
0:14:51 > 0:14:59Fingers hovering over the buzzers teams, please.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02This is Donald Trump having sorted out gun control
0:15:02 > 0:15:05in America and health care.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09He has now decided to sort out the Middle East.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12And I'm sure the man who can't even find Theresa May on Twitter
0:15:12 > 0:15:15is capable of sorting out one of the most deeply entrenched
0:15:15 > 0:15:16political problems in human history.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19He has united almost the entire world though.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Yes.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Against him.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Against him, yes.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29This is the news that the United States have formally
0:15:29 > 0:15:31recognised Jerusalem as Israel's capital city and plan
0:15:31 > 0:15:32to relocate their embassy there.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34How has this gone down with other middle eastern powers?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It's a huge button in the last 50 years.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Don't press it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Trump goes, oh yeah, bang.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I'm hoping this embassy is a bit like the wall.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45A sort of invisible...
0:15:45 > 0:15:46It in his head, largely.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48It in his head, yeah.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Also, you've got to get someone to build an embassy in Jerusalem.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Anybody fancy that as a construction job?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Let's get the locals to do it...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56No, I don't think so.
0:15:56 > 0:16:05I know, let's get some Mexicans to build it.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09No, there's been a lot of reactions from other Middle Eastern powers.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11The Palestinians have called it the kiss of death
0:16:11 > 0:16:12for the peace process.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Turkey said it would plunge the region and the world into a fire
0:16:15 > 0:16:17with no end in sight, while the Organisation
0:16:17 > 0:16:19for Islamic Cooperation have accused Trump of naked aggression.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Which I don't think really, no one wants to see that, Donald.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Please!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Trump made an announcement at the White House.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31What did some viewers think his speech revealed about him?
0:16:31 > 0:16:32That he has dementia?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34So close the word.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38It's not dementia, it's denture.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Oh, wow.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41They think he might have dentures.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Let's have a look.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49The message I delivered at the historic and extraordinary
0:16:49 > 0:16:53summit in Shaudi Arabia...
0:16:53 > 0:16:58I ask the leaders of the region, political and religious...
0:16:58 > 0:17:04God bless the United Shtates, thank you very much.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06It almost looked there like Mike Pence is working his hands.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09He's got his hands up his jacket and he's doing that, and that.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13There's something going on with the bottom rung though isn't there?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Are you suggesting it's the teeth that are actually making the speech?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19He's somehow prisoner of his own canines?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21He's got the teeth of Hitler.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I can see the film now.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28They saved Hitler's teeth and bunged them in Trump's mouth.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30He probably wanted to say, I just wish you all a happy
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Christmas and it all came out as you know...
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Wah, wah, wah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Why is Trump doing this now?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Why now?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41He's having certain problems with a man called Flynn and this
0:17:41 > 0:17:43week he seems to have tweeted and landed himself
0:17:43 > 0:17:46into a load of trouble.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Some people are saying he's actually admitted to obstructing
0:17:48 > 0:17:53justice, inadvertently.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55And his staff's defence of this is that he didn't
0:17:55 > 0:17:57actually write the tweet.
0:17:57 > 0:18:07Yes, it's quite ironic that this man who treats his innermost thoughts,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Yes, it's quite ironic that this man who tweets his innermost thoughts,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14may have accidentally shot himself in the foot because he said
0:18:14 > 0:18:17that the reason I had to sack Flynn was because he lied
0:18:17 > 0:18:18to the FBI.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Yes.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21And then the next day after sacking Flynn,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25he then had a meeting with the head of the FBI where he told him to drop
0:18:25 > 0:18:27the case, which would be an obstruction of justice,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29if he knew he'd lied to the FBI.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30The tweet actually said...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Which admittedly does sound like the words of a top
0:18:33 > 0:18:35criminal defence lawyer.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38If you go back to that tweet for a moment as well,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42there's a point somebody else has made.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45That when he has said pled, lawyers don't say pled,
0:18:45 > 0:18:46they use the word pleaded.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Yes.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Pled is odd, isn't it?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's his teeth.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52He was trying to type pleaded, but it's impossible
0:18:52 > 0:18:53with those dentures.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55He's got the teeth of Hitler and the hands of Mussolini.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Why does it not really matter whether Trump's
0:18:57 > 0:18:58sent the tweet or not?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Because we are all going to die in World War III.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04According to Trump's legal team, as Trump is the country's chief law
0:19:04 > 0:19:08enforcement officer, he cannot obstruct justice.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11That's what Nixon tried to say as well.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16So when you are sort of quoting Nixon's defence.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Why might Hillary Clinton be happy and bobbish at the moment?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Because Flynn led the chorus of lock her up, lock her up.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Let's have a look.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Lock her up.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27That's right.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33Yes, that's right, lock her up.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I'm going to tell you what, it's unbelievable.
0:19:35 > 0:19:45It's unbelievable.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47If I did a tenth, a tenth of what she did,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I would be in jail today.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51This is Donald Trump's latest attempt to bring
0:19:51 > 0:19:53lasting peace to the world.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55One of many people to condemn Trump's position
0:19:55 > 0:19:56on Jerusalem was Pope Francis.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Mind you, the Pope's never really liked the president ever
0:19:59 > 0:20:02since their first meeting when Trump saw a flash of white dress and
0:20:02 > 0:20:04plunged forward for a quick grab.
0:20:04 > 0:20:14Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Oh, there's a guy who is to show how Trip Advisor can be manipulated.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Just got all his friends to save this, whatever
0:20:24 > 0:20:26the restaurant was called, Marco's spaghetti
0:20:26 > 0:20:27house or something.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29The Shed.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30The Shed, was it Shed?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And so to tweet about it and said this was really good.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It got to the top of Trip Advisor, but it actually didn't exist.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Absolutely right, Paul.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40This is the news that a fake restaurant, in a shed became
0:20:40 > 0:20:42London's number one rated eatery on Trip Advisor.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43How did The Shed at Dulwich describe itself?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Fusion.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Bit more pretentious.
0:20:47 > 0:20:53The Chateauneuf do Pap had an aroma of creosote.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Its fake website explained they don't
0:20:55 > 0:20:57have a traditional menu per se.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02Instead of meals are menu is comprised of moods.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Here are some pictures uploaded to the Trip Advisor website.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Can you guess what this is?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09It's creme brulee, or something is it?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Is its salmon?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12It's actually a bleach tablet covered in honey,
0:21:12 > 0:21:19shaving foam and pepper.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And what do you think this food is?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24A rabbit has been over that, hasn't it?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27No, it's a sponge, covered in paint with shaving foam and coffee beans.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32And finally, what is this?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Is it like the stuff on it is like from the bottom of the feet
0:21:35 > 0:21:37when you rub your feet...
0:21:37 > 0:21:43Joke shop egg.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46This is an egg on a foot.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49In other fake food news, popular meat substitute manufacturer
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Quorn have been criticised for their packaging this week.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Dan Douglas bought some mini Quorn sausage rolls and then tweeted...
0:21:55 > 0:21:58The sausage rolls claim to be a pack of 12, but then Dan
0:21:58 > 0:21:59read the small print.
0:21:59 > 0:22:0312 mini rolls when cut into fours.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06That is brilliant.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08It is brilliant.
0:22:08 > 0:22:14Time now for the odd one out around.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15You're four are...
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Piers Morgan.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Vicki Pipe and Jeff Marshall.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20A demolition company in Detroit, and a Belgian performance artist,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Mikish Popper, who is called Mike Popper, but I like
0:22:22 > 0:22:23saying Mikish Popper.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26OK, Piers Morgan at the top there seems to be eating toast,
0:22:26 > 0:22:27maybe he's choking on the toast.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29The demolition company in Detroit.
0:22:29 > 0:22:35They failed to blow up a stadium.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39It's got to be that, hasn't it, because there wouldn't be any story
0:22:39 > 0:22:41in they did blow up a stadium.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Unless of course, they hadn't been commissioned to do that.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46So yes, let's go with that then, let's say they didn't
0:22:46 > 0:22:47blow up the stadium.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50And that couple I think have an ambition to visit every
0:22:50 > 0:22:53railway station in Britain.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56So is it about people who want to be completist?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Obviously Piers Morgan wants to annoy every person in Britain.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59So he's achieved that.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Three of them have achieved complete missions, where
0:23:01 > 0:23:02as the Detroit company failed.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04That's not a bad answer, we'll go with that.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05It's so close.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07You might as well give us the points then.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09It's actually more about failure, guys.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10It's more about failure.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12So Piers Morgan failed to choke himself to death,
0:23:12 > 0:23:17despite sponsorship.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19The people at the top failed to visit every railway station.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22No, they went to visit every railway station,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25so they are the odd one out
0:23:25 > 0:23:27because they succeeded and everybody else failed?
0:23:27 > 0:23:33Yes, absolutely right.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36They've all failed to complete a task, apart from Vicky Pipe
0:23:36 > 0:23:38and Jeff Marshall, who succeeded in their task to visit every train
0:23:38 > 0:23:40station in Britain this summer.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I bet they didn't mean to.
0:23:42 > 0:23:50It's not that interesting thing to do though is it?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I suppose it is, but you wouldn't want to spend Christmas
0:23:53 > 0:23:54with them, would you?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55They are so nice.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Not when you can have David Davis come round.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59That would be a real treat wouldn't it?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00You wouldn't know what to stuff first.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Let's move on with the failures.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Piers Morgan was hired to turn on the Christmas lights
0:24:04 > 0:24:05in Stockbridge in Hampshire.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07After the Christmas lights in Stockbridge failed to come
0:24:07 > 0:24:11on, Piers claimed...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Of course, the real failure was not connecting the live
0:24:17 > 0:24:21wire to Piers' genitals.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Let's have a look at Piers' failing.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25OK, here we go Stockbridge, are you ready for this?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26CROWD: Yes!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Count after me, five...
0:24:27 > 0:24:30CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Let's go.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33CROWD: Yay...
0:24:33 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44We must focus on the other failure.
0:24:44 > 0:24:52Mike Popper, do you know what he failed that?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Was he going to cover his entire body in gold foil...
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Ran out of foil?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56No.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59So it's got nothing to do with what we're looking at then?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00No, it really hasn't.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01No.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04It's going to be difficult for us to get it then isn't it?
0:25:04 > 0:25:07He chained himself to an enormous block of marble, from which he tried
0:25:07 > 0:25:10to sort of chisel himself out and after his 19 day ordeal.
0:25:10 > 0:25:1119 days?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Yeah.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14He told the Telegraph...
0:25:19 > 0:25:24Vicky Pipe and Jeff Marshall spent 15 weeks this summer visiting every
0:25:24 > 0:25:26single one of Britain's railway stations by train.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29To pay for their railway journey to every station,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31they crowd funded £38,000.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33That got them as far as Manchester in peak time.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36After that, they were on their own.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Piers Morgan's attempts to turn on the Christmas lights
0:25:38 > 0:25:40in Stockbridge was unsuccessful.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43This is an odd failure for a man who can normally light up
0:25:43 > 0:25:46a room just by leaving it.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51Time now for the missing words round and we start with...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55And could even hold down a job in the government making
0:25:55 > 0:25:57David Davis look like the...
0:25:57 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER DROWNS out SPEECH.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02..That he actually is.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It's actually understand the concept of space and time.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Yeah, time is very important for pigeons.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11One hour 40 at gas mark five and they are delicious.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Next, what...
0:26:15 > 0:26:23The bootleg suffragettes?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27It's all female Big Brother.
0:26:27 > 0:26:33To celebrate 100 years of women's suffrage,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Channel 5 have announced they will be running a female only
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Celebrity Big Brother in January.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39When the producer was asked to comment on the series, he said,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41it's a great step forward for the feminist movement.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44And I bet they keep the house is nice and tidy too.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Finally...
0:26:45 > 0:26:46She what?
0:26:46 > 0:26:56Shat herself.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Grabs wrong end of the dog.
0:26:58 > 0:27:04This is good, let's have a look at this important moment.
0:27:07 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER.
0:27:23 > 0:27:33Oh!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37So the final scores are Ian and Hal have three points.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Paul and Satnam have nine points.
0:27:39 > 0:27:47APPLAUSE.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50And I leave you with news that in Sussex, locals realised that
0:27:50 > 0:27:55Southern Rail are already operating on a Christmas timetable.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59At the launch of a new iPhone charger, Apple will once again
0:27:59 > 0:28:05create a product incompatible with anything else.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07And in New York, evidence emerges that once a year,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09like other reptiles, Donald Trump sheds his skin.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Good night.
0:28:12 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE.