0:00:34 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Good evening.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Dan Stevens.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42In the news this week...
0:00:42 > 0:00:44At a meeting of the world's top economists,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47the conclusion is the only way out of the global financial crisis
0:00:47 > 0:00:49is to make the younger generation pay for it.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59At the White House, life comes full circle
0:00:59 > 0:01:02as a male intern sends a photo via his mobile.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Wow!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And on the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18one jungle dweller sees the size of Ant and Dec's pay cheque.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28With Ian is a performer, who in 2003
0:01:28 > 0:01:30was nominated for Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe
0:01:30 > 0:01:33alongside some bloke called Michael McIntyre.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Where's McIntyre tonight though, hey? What's that?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40He's at the Liverpool Arena, playing to 11,000 people
0:01:40 > 0:01:42as part of a sell-out national tour?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Anyway, please welcome Miles Jupp.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:53With Paul is a stand-up comedian,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56who was once described by the Times as Hobbit-like.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I'm hoping that is because she is short and lovable,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01and not because she's got massive, hairy feet.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Please welcome Susan Calman.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Paul and Susan, take a look at this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Yes, this is the News International story, the phone hacking,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Hugh Grant, there's the editor of The News Of The World
0:02:20 > 0:02:21doing some research.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25- That's my twin sister.- Yeah.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27That's me. Clearly.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31That's somebody from 1892 and Steve Coogan who was
0:02:31 > 0:02:33giving evidence, as well.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36This is the Leveson Inquiry, Lord Leveson is looking into this.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38There were some grim stories about non-celebrities
0:02:38 > 0:02:40and some other stories, as well.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The stuff keeps cascading out.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Yes, it was celebrities first,
0:02:46 > 0:02:48then the really grim stories,
0:02:48 > 0:02:53and then Lord Leveson will come to the defence of the press,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56which obviously it's not a great week to try and mount one.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59But eventually I hope he gets round to the point
0:02:59 > 0:03:01that we only got an inquiry
0:03:01 > 0:03:03because a journalist actually discovered this story.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04No MPs,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06not a policeman,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07not a judge,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09it was a journalist who uncovered it.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I'm hoping we won't throw out the entire baby with the bath water.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16What do you think the solution could be?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Obviously, if you start regulating the press, you have difficulties.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22As you say you never would have found out about MPs' allowances.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24There are endless solutions to this.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26The basic one is that we have laws
0:03:26 > 0:03:28and nobody obeyed them.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33And at the end of however many years it is, Lord Leveson will say,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35"I think journalists should probably obey the laws."
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I mean, all these activities are illegal.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40And it would help if the police enforced them.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44It probably would help if they weren't working for The News Of The World.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47So there is a problem there.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49If the politicians' leaders are saying, you know,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52it's really important to us to suck up to Rupert Murdoch,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55because otherwise his papers won't say, "Vote Conservative",
0:03:55 > 0:03:57or "Vote Blair" or "Vote Brown",
0:03:57 > 0:04:00then you don't have a great incentive.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I should just go and give my evidence direct!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:08 > 0:04:12I gather Lord Leveson will call the most important witnesses next,
0:04:12 > 0:04:13who are members of the public.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16A number of them apparently bought The News Of The World
0:04:16 > 0:04:20at some stage in the last 20 years.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I hope he's going to ask them why.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I mean, when you look at the history of public hanging,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29it only stopped because it was so popular,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31they couldn't handle the crowds any more,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34not because of public revulsion - "we don't want to see people hung."
0:04:34 > 0:04:38I remember being in a rough pub in Streatham about 25 years ago,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and a fight broke out between two guys and it was exciting -
0:04:40 > 0:04:43one was hitting the other guy - but I didn't demand a fight
0:04:43 > 0:04:45every time I went into the pub,
0:04:45 > 0:04:46because it was exciting that time.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49But that analogy would be, you go to the pub and it says,
0:04:49 > 0:04:53"Fight Tonight Inside, 25p", and then you'd go every Sunday.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56They wouldn't do that in a pub because you're not allowed.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Are you not?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01No, you're not allowed to advertise fights in pub.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05To be fair, if you go to Glasgow, they do advertise a fight!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08It's like happy-hour there!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Just before the bingo, we have a wee bit of a cagefight,
0:05:10 > 0:05:15and then everyone has a Babycham and settles down. It's lovely.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You should come up some time, they'd love you!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- I went to Govan once.- Did you?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I was trying to make a documentary. I got out of the car into the street
0:05:27 > 0:05:29and a bloke came straight up and said to me,
0:05:29 > 0:05:30"You're out of your depth here, pal!"
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Yes, Hugh Grant was indeed appearing this week.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43He was surprised by the strength of the questioning from the counsel
0:05:43 > 0:05:46to the inquiry. Does anybody know what Hugh had to say to him?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48It was something along the lines of,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"You spoke to me earlier and promised a few straight deliveries,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53"but you're delivering nothing but googlies."
0:05:53 > 0:05:54He said -
0:06:01 > 0:06:03That would be an invasion of privacy
0:06:03 > 0:06:06on a pretty massive scale.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Does anybody know what else we learnt from Hugh this week?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11His middle name is Mungo.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- Is it?- Yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Well, the world learnt that, I already knew it,
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I'm obsessed with him!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Is it the hair that does it for you?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22It's everything.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I just really enjoy the work of our premier-like comic actor.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29As a huge fan of Hugh, you may know
0:06:29 > 0:06:31that the mother of his baby, Tinglan Hong,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33received a threatening message from a reporter
0:06:33 > 0:06:36after Hugh Grant's appearance on Question Time.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Do you know what they said to him? - "If he doesn't be quiet,
0:06:38 > 0:06:43"we are going to fund a sequel to Have You Heard About The Morgans?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- You really are a fan!- Yes.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- "Tell Hugh Grant to shut the BLEEP up."- That's exactly what they said.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Standards have slipped at The Telegraph, haven't they?
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Whose good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this inquiry?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05He made the scurrilous assertion,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08that the Daily Mail might have, in some way,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10been involved in phone hacking,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12which they refute entirely, I understand.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15The Daily Mail utterly refute this.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16The Daily Mail does not want
0:07:16 > 0:07:19to be associated, in any way, with phone hacking.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21The last thing the Daily Mail wants
0:07:21 > 0:07:24is for its name to appear in the same headline
0:07:24 > 0:07:26as a phone-hacking scandal.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- OK. Watch next week. - Has that cleared that up?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Also this week we heard from Steve Coogan.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Did anybody hear any of the methods
0:07:37 > 0:07:39The News Of The World used to get stories on him?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43They interviewed him, I gather. It is pretty underhand.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Yes, it all seemed quite above board.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Showbiz reporter and casual friend of Coogan's, Raj Singh,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50rang him to tell him The News Of The World
0:07:50 > 0:07:51had a kiss-and-tell story on him.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54If he confirmed some of the less salacious details,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58the paper would keep the more lurid details out of the paper.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- So then what happened?- They didn't.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- They put them all in. - How did he describe the behaviour of The News Of The World?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05"Disappointing."
0:08:06 > 0:08:08"Excellent."
0:08:08 > 0:08:10He described it as -
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- (ALAN PARTRIDGE STYLE)- A-ha!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Coogan claimed he had never entered a Faustian pact with the tabloids.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27What did he mean by that? A pact with the devil.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Just because he is a public figure doesn't mean he has no private life.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Indeed. Most tabloid reporters
0:08:32 > 0:08:36thought Faustian Pact was Man City's new striker!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Did anybody read anything about other cast members
0:08:40 > 0:08:42in the phone-hacking scandal this week?
0:08:42 > 0:08:47Rebekah Wade, the former editor of The News Of The World and The Sun
0:08:47 > 0:08:49is having a baby.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51But it's through a surrogate
0:08:51 > 0:08:54and she's asked for privacy.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58correct. She's expecting a baby via a surrogate mother,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00or as the Sun might have put it -
0:09:06 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:13This is the inquiry into newspaper standards.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16The Leveson Inquiry heard evidence that on a number of occasions,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19News Of The World journalists went through Steve Coogan's bins.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23In fact, they still do, but nowadays they're scavenging for food.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26At the inquiry, Sheryl Gascoigne revealed the press
0:09:26 > 0:09:28had made inaccurate claims about the size
0:09:28 > 0:09:30of her divorce settlement, saying the coverage was...
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Coincidentally, also the motto of The News Of The World.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Ian and Miles, take a look at this.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41That's Ed Balls wiping away a tear.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44That is Eric Knowles and I can't remember the woman's name.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46That's the Health Secretary.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Is he on Antiques Roadshow now?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Northern Rock customer. There we are, that's...
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Gaddafi!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh, no, it isn't!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01The big one is Ed Balls, he's got a human side.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Yes. And he weeps.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07When he watches Ed Miliband in the House of Commons, he just cries.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11He weeps when he's watching Antiques Roadshow. Of course.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13When I read about it,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17it said the bit he found really extraordinary was when someone comes in
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and they've found an heirloom that's worth a huge amount of money.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Then he remembered he was meant to be a member of the Labour Party.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27And he said, "But they think, oh, it's worth more to me
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"than all that money, so I won't sell it."
0:10:30 > 0:10:31And that's what makes him cry.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38He also weeps at The Sound Of Music. Again, it was interesting...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41The film or just any musical?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:45That would be an incredible handicap, wouldn't it?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49He weeps at the bit where the baroness is brought back
0:10:49 > 0:10:52to the house by the admiral, whatever he is,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54and the children perform the song.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Why is that emotional? - It is incredibly moving.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Maybe it's something in his childhood,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03maybe it's a repressed memory.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Something in his youth or childhood?!
0:11:06 > 0:11:12He spent his gap-year nannying in Nazi-occupied...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14LAUGHTER
0:11:14 > 0:11:17And apparently Nick Griffin also cries when he watches
0:11:17 > 0:11:20The Sound Of Music, but that's only because the Nazis lose at the end.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24We also found out that Ed's favourite song
0:11:24 > 0:11:26to sing at karaoke parties is..?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys. - It's close.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Was it Russ Abbot's Atmosphere?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It was...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46The other news in that montage?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Branson's taken over a failing bank.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52And Northern Rock was bankrupt and now Branson has taken it over.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Except not all of it.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57He's taken over the bit that's called a good bank
0:11:57 > 0:11:59and he's bought that,
0:11:59 > 0:12:03but £21 billion of debt remains with the taxpayer.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04So a good bargain for us(!)
0:12:05 > 0:12:09And he got it £400 million cheaper than we paid for the good bit,
0:12:09 > 0:12:13so he is laughing, all the way to his bank.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Yes, according to The Times,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21the Government is accepting in part payment an "IOU" of £150 million.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Since when did the Government start accepting "IOUs"?!
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I might try it myself - I've had a decent year, but you know how it is!
0:12:28 > 0:12:29LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Is Branson taking over the whole of Northern Rock?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You've sort of answered this already.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- No.- I don't think he is.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I reckon we're going to end up
0:12:41 > 0:12:42still owning £21 billion worth of debt.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I am bloody livid about it, Dan.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Try getting me off this topic!
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Health Secretary Andrew Lansley
0:12:57 > 0:12:59has been popping up everywhere this week.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01What's he been up to?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04There's a scheme of putting screens by hospital beds
0:13:04 > 0:13:09and you're ill, you're not happy and his face comes up on the screen.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13And I think he says, "Your custom is very important to us.
0:13:14 > 0:13:19"I'm sorry about the delay in your operation, or treatment..."
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and then he plays Vivaldi.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24At table tennis!
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Fantastic.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29He's done a video to be shown on screens above the beds in hospitals.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31The problem is, it's on a three-minute loop
0:13:31 > 0:13:32and it's driving people bonkers.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36You can turn him off, does anybody know how?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- If you pay, that's the thing. If you...- What?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45It's the hospital entertainment system and you have to pay £5
0:13:45 > 0:13:49to get access to re-runs of Casualty, which is all they show.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54And if you don't pay the £5, then you just get
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Andrew Lansley on a loop saying, "Hello, thanks for coming."
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Absolutely right.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03The Independent pointed out:
0:14:07 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:14As if they haven't suffered enough?! They went on:
0:14:21 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Does anybody know what the message to patients says?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"Hurry up and die, there's a queue?"
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"I am from another planet."
0:14:37 > 0:14:40"I have access to your life-support machine."
0:14:40 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Has he got hypnotic eyes?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- Yes.- "There is really not much wrong with you, you know."
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"You could leave now!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56"Get off the bed, jump out of the window!"
0:14:56 > 0:15:01What scheme has Eric Pickles announced this week?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Eat the unemployed?!
0:15:03 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Bring a quiche to work day?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13He's got the smallest features on a human face since time began.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Eric Pickles has announced a scheme to set up a curry college
0:15:21 > 0:15:23to teach British chefs how to cook curry.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It's an ambitious scheme, but the Government's confident
0:15:26 > 0:15:29they can deliver, if you're within a three-mile radius!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34At the college, chefs will learn all the necessary skills
0:15:34 > 0:15:38from combining the perfect mix of spices to create a mouth-watering balti
0:15:38 > 0:15:42to chucking some unnecessary salad into a warm plastic bag.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47This was the Government selling of Northern Rock to Virgin Money.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51After selling Northern Rock, George Osborne described it as:
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Which raises two questions. What would constitute a worse deal?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00And, George, can I interest you in some magic beans?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04NHS patients have been complaining that hospital TVs are running
0:16:04 > 0:16:08a patronising message from Andrew Lansley on a continuous loop.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12This has led to some terrible mistakes with patients crying out,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"I can't take it any more, just switch the machine off!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE
0:16:20 > 0:16:24And so to Round Two, the Cloche of News.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Carson the Butler will lift the cloche, revealing an item
0:16:28 > 0:16:30relating to a news story of the week.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Finger on buzzers.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41Was this the film of the gentleman chasing his dog, Benton?
0:16:41 > 0:16:46A dog was chasing deer and he was screaming, "Benton!"
0:16:46 > 0:16:48He's not come forward.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51But some youth was filming it on his mobile telephone device,
0:16:51 > 0:16:56and it's got over one million hits on YouTube?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- That is the right answer. - It's the right answer?!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Shall we have a look at internet sensation Benton?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09If we don't, I will fight anybody who says we can't!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Fenton! Fenton! Fenton! Fenton!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Fenton! Fenton!
0:17:19 > 0:17:26Fenton! FENTON! Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Fenton!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34APPLAUSE
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Following this, Benton went viral and he and...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Why?!- He and Jesus Christ...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Why do people think that's entertaining?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Totally out of focus camera shot, deer in the background,
0:17:54 > 0:17:58some bloke shouting "Benton", and millions have watched it?
0:17:58 > 0:17:59I'm in the wrong business.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05He's a glove puppet!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07His real name is Fenton.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Is absolutely right.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:12 > 0:18:18- No!- How do you know this? - It appears in newspapers.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Does anybody know what The Sun's headline was?
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Humanity Reaches Bottom Of The Barrel?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32We are all doomed.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35The last person to leave the planet tell Fenton!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Human Beings Duped Into Watching Crap On New Invention.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47It was, "Calm down, deer!"
0:18:47 > 0:18:49GROANS
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- The Sun ended the report... - This gets worse and worse!
0:18:52 > 0:18:57- Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story anywhere?- No.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59The Sun ended the report saying:
0:19:00 > 0:19:03And the good news is they have tracked down Benton and his owner,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05and the dog has been destroyed.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Only joking, animal lovers.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10That was the best bit!
0:19:11 > 0:19:17People are now selling T-shirts with the picture of Benton.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I've only bought three!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Somebody was filming it thinking,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"I can't believe the stuff I'm getting here! This is magical!"
0:19:27 > 0:19:30In other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Pigeon Takes Off From Roof!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38With no apparent motive.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41This is all that's going to be left for the press after this inquiry.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Animal stories!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Can anyone tell me what Gavin the world's most sarcastic gorilla
0:19:47 > 0:19:49has been up to this week?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Did he shove a banana up Barry Watson?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Did he win a contest? Who judged him the most sarcastic gorilla?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Did hundreds of them turn up going, "Yeah(!)"
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Gavin lives in Jerusalem Zoo.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11According to the Metro:
0:20:20 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:24 > 0:20:27This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit
0:20:27 > 0:20:29after chasing deer in Richmond Park.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32The next time Benton's owner visited the park, he took no chances.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35He left the dog at home and went on his bike.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Now, that was worth seeing!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER
0:20:46 > 0:20:48It's time for the Odd One Out Round.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Ted Heath, Harry Belafonte,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Larry the Downing Street cat and this...
0:20:53 > 0:20:57MUSIC
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Yes?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:17That's the clip that wins us the BAFTA!
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Larry the cat has been thrown out of Downing Street for joining the BNP.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28I think I've had a tweet from the Downing Street cat, which,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30again, will pile upon the fact
0:21:30 > 0:21:33that people think I'm an incredibly sad cat lady - and I am.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I get tweets from other cats.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I dress my cats up, in more than that bow tie.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40You have to make an effort.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41How do you dress the cats up?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Well! LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:46It depends - we have themed days.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49If you cut the fingers off gloves, they make leg warmers
0:21:49 > 0:21:52for cats for Fame Day.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Be careful if you make any trousers for cats.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Cats don't have hips, so you have to make braces.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Otherwise they just slide off.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06There is nothing worse than a wee cat whose trousers are falling off!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:12I wouldn't say nothing worse! It's up there, certainly.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Is it mice?- It's something to do with sleep.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20Cos Larry the cat is meant to be in Downing Street to get mice.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22But he's asleep all the time.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25When Edward Heath was awake, was he always catching mice?
0:22:25 > 0:22:30I'd better tell you. They have all fallen asleep when they shouldn't,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33apart from Weightless which will almost certainly put you to sleep.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38Weightless has beaten Coldplay and Enya to the title of world's
0:22:38 > 0:22:42most relaxing song, but it is insufferably dull.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Ted Heath dozed off whilst talking to the Queen
0:22:45 > 0:22:50at his 80th birthday bash, thrown by John and Norma Major.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52How did the Queen take this slight to her conversational skills?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54She drew a cock on his forehead!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:04John Major said:
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Harry Belafonte discussed his new book on an American chatshow.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Unfortunately, when they cut to the satellite feed
0:23:16 > 0:23:18to start the interview, he appeared to be sleeping.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Still, far worse things can happen when you interview a veteran singer.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23The next day's guest was Cliff Richard,
0:23:23 > 0:23:27who stayed wide-awake and spoke at length on a range of subjects.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Larry the cat has been falling asleep during the day
0:23:33 > 0:23:35at Downton Street when he should be...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Downton Street?!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:44 > 0:23:48There's a serious category confusion there!
0:23:50 > 0:23:54I know it's important, Dan, but it's not the centre of governance!
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Larry has been falling asleep during the day at Downing Street
0:23:59 > 0:24:02when he should be catching rats because he's been staying up
0:24:02 > 0:24:05all night with his new girlfriend, Masie.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08David Cameron was forced to take matters into his own hands
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- this week. What did he do? - He caught a rat?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Did he pick it up with his bare hands and...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Like Putin?
0:24:17 > 0:24:21That's how it works in Russia. Big pictures of Putin killing deer.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Over here, Cameron, "Oh, it's a mouse!"
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Putin! Putin!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Putin!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31LAUGHTER
0:24:34 > 0:24:36According to the Telegraph:
0:24:43 > 0:24:45He missed, obviously.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49He said, "It wasn't a target, it was an aspiration!"
0:24:49 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:54According to the Mail on Sunday,
0:24:54 > 0:24:55he actually said:
0:25:02 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:03 > 0:25:06That's what the Queen said to Edward Heath?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14According to The Sun, Larry is too tired to catch mice
0:25:14 > 0:25:17after spending most of his time with another cat called Masie
0:25:17 > 0:25:20whose owner insists "they are just good friends", though she has
0:25:20 > 0:25:25an official business card with "advisor to Larry" printed on.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Time for the Missing Words round,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31which this week features as its guest publication
0:25:31 > 0:25:35The Chap, a journal for the modern gentleman.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39We start with:
0:25:40 > 0:25:43One woman musical version of Titus Andronicus.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Scarf and hotpants combo.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Geordie accent.
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Chest wig.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00It is "tattoo just won't come off".
0:26:00 > 0:26:01She had a henna tattoo.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04The Duchess of Cornwall had a temporary henna tattoo
0:26:04 > 0:26:06that she can't scrub off. According to the Daily Mail,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09one suggested remedy is to "rub it with toothpaste" -
0:26:09 > 0:26:12as if Charles' footman doesn't have enough to do!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Next:
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Bomb-making equipment and a healthy disregard for the law.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26An even tempered approach to life and a winning eye for the ladies.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43They still talk of that night Sir Anthony Hopkins lost his voice
0:26:43 > 0:26:45and I gave them my Widow Twankey.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Finally:
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Question Time.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Wife.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04It is, in fact, cherry tomato - and here is said tomato.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10The gardener could make some Hitler tomato ketchup
0:27:10 > 0:27:13and market it alongside Eva Braun sauce.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18The final scores are Ian and Miles have two,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20but Paul and Susan are the winners with five.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Before we go, there is time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity!
0:27:32 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Sarge, we thought this would be quicker
0:27:39 > 0:27:41than turning the place upside-down!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:48On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Ian Hislop and Miles Jupp, Paul Merton and Susan Calman.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53And I leave you with news that at a sports meeting,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56organisers admit it was a mistake to hold
0:27:56 > 0:27:59the women's 800 metres at the same time as the shooting!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER
0:28:03 > 0:28:06After his eye operation was a complete success,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10the paparazzi catch Pudsey Bear celebrating with his nurse!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And in Windsor, the Queen steadfastly refuses
0:28:18 > 0:28:21to fall for a second time to Prince Philip's pull my finger routine.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Good night.
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd