0:00:28 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Kirsty Young.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44In the news this week, at the London Studios,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46minutes before recording the show,
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and has second thoughts.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00At the Annual Professional Tennis Players' Dinner,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04one player finds out he has to sit next to Andy Murray.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21And at Kensington Palace,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24the Queen vividly recreates the moment
0:01:24 > 0:01:27when the Archbishop of Canterbury tripped over a corgi.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38On Ian's team, an ex-Conservative MP
0:01:38 > 0:01:41who claims his ancestor was the last man in Britain
0:01:41 > 0:01:42to be beheaded for treason,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46and his father was the first man in England to play Monopoly.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Factually accurate.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00On Paul's team, a comedian who recently revealed to the Telegraph
0:02:00 > 0:02:02that the thing that irritates him the most
0:02:02 > 0:02:04is people who aren't curious.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07There's probably a good reason for that but I can't be bothered to ask.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:16We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Autumn!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Look!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Right, the strike.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Education policy at its height.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29The apostrophe is wrong.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We've gone back in time to the '30s.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Two attractive young men going somewhere interesting.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39You're not trying to get another job in the Tory party?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41No, but it is almost compulsory
0:02:41 > 0:02:44to be gay if you are a Conservative.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Ours is no longer the party with its back against the wall.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- It got weird quicker than you said. - Yeah, didn't it?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- You said it would get weird... - I said it definitely would.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02..but you reckoned half way through. We have barely started.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04They are undeniably good-looking, aren't they?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Yes, Gyles, they are lovely.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14I know your standards are quite high, but I think they're attractive young men.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Gyles, shall we focus?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19We honestly know what's going on.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23This is the terrible strike of the week.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Depending on which paper you read, it was a terrible strike
0:03:25 > 0:03:27or it was a non-event.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29According to the Guardian...
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Over 50 million people turned up.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38It aroused strong passions on either side of the argument.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42There was time for some gentlemanly behaviour.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Here's an ITN reporter
0:03:44 > 0:03:47doing a piece to camera, obviously.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51She had asked everyone behind her to agree to keep the noise down.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53STRIKERS CHANT SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Tensions between the unions and Government have been heightened
0:03:56 > 0:03:59following yesterday's decision by the Chancellor
0:03:59 > 0:04:03to cap public sector pay rises at 1%.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05That was described in the Daily Mail
0:04:05 > 0:04:08as a vicious and violent uprising that ended in the death
0:04:08 > 0:04:11of eight police officers.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Here's another picture that proves the point.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Look at these disgusting anarchists.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23That's a proper British strike!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Who has been less than polite about the strikers
0:04:25 > 0:04:27we're being led to understand?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Jeremy Clarkson had a few words to say about this.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36He said they should all be taken out and shot in front of their families.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Although he did say some other things before that,
0:04:38 > 0:04:39but they weren't much nicer.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42He was keen on the idea of the strikes,
0:04:42 > 0:04:46because it meant he could drive faster through London.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48The BBC apologised
0:04:48 > 0:04:52after Jeremy Clarkson appeared on the One Show on Wednesday.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Just so that you can form your own opinion,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57here's what he actually said in context.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Do you think the strikes have been a good idea?- Fantastic.
0:05:00 > 0:05:06Absolutely. London, today, has just been empty.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Everybody stayed at home, you could whizz about,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11restaurants were empty.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12The traffic has been good.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16We have to balance it, because this is the BBC.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Exactly.- Yes, exactly.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Frankly, I would have them all shot.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27How dare they go on strike?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30He was balancing it, saying there are two sides to every story.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Not quite two sides.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35One is it's great these strikes wasting everyone's time, I can drive fast,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37and on the other hand, I hate them as well.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41We saw the beautiful George Osborne, as you said.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44He gave his autumn statement this week. The Mirror on Wednesday
0:05:44 > 0:05:46took their usual thoughtful, measured approach.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59That is true. It sounds like a joke but he did go through that.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04It's weeks like this, that made me glad I am no longer in politics.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Do you know, I think everyone feels the same!
0:06:08 > 0:06:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:17The truth is, the one thing I could not stand about being an MP,
0:06:17 > 0:06:18were my constituents.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25You may loathe members of parliament,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33The other big headline this week was, that, despite everything,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37it is going to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt
0:06:37 > 0:06:40than the Government thought - seven years, rather than five.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Shall we hear what Paul Johnson,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to say?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47What we have been pointing out for a while
0:06:47 > 0:06:51is that five years of spending cuts is more than we have managed before.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Seven years is even more.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Just to add to the gloom, one way and another,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01I don't know if you've been watching Jeremy Paxman, but this was him
0:07:01 > 0:07:03signing off from Newsnight on Tuesday.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05That's all from Newsnight tonight
0:07:05 > 0:07:09and we'll be back to depress you again tomorrow night. Till then, goodnight.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12One of the measures that Osborne announced
0:07:12 > 0:07:16was an increase in the tax on banks.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19It's going to go up by how much, according to the Daily Mail?
0:07:19 > 0:07:220.02%.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25You're very close. The Daily Mail said the tax on banks
0:07:25 > 0:07:28is going to rise 10%.
0:07:28 > 0:07:35Technically true - it went up to 0.088%.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38A very depressed fellow from KPMG, a spokesman for the accountants,
0:07:38 > 0:07:39said that...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47They'll all move to Greece, presumably,
0:07:47 > 0:07:52or Italy, Spain, or any of the other burgeoning banking economies.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Why don't the public sector workers threaten to leave?
0:07:55 > 0:07:59It works for the bankers. Anything happens, and they say, we will go.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Just have the nurses and teachers say, we will go. Everyone go.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06It would just be Jeremy Clarkson left going, this is brilliant!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15George Osborne delivered his Autumn Statement this week.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19According to the Office Of Budget Responsibility growth forecasts,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23the worst year for the economy will be 2012.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Just as well we're not hosting
0:08:24 > 0:08:28any massively expensive sports extravaganza, isn't it?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Some people love him,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Paul and Marcus, look at this.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45This is the Leveson Inquiry going on.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47He looks like Rupert Murdoch.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49There is Charlotte Church,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52who has turned up talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55That's one of the few reporters to be interviewed.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58That is Alastair Campbell, in front of what we call
0:08:58 > 0:09:00the Dav Fishwick Stand.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05That's basically what it's about.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Charlotte Church, she was asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"Do you want £100,000 or good coverage in the press?"
0:09:12 > 0:09:14She said £100,000, because she was 13,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17but was advised to go for good coverage in the press.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I wonder how much Blair got paid
0:09:19 > 0:09:21for being godfather at the christening.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Is he Charlotte Church's godfather, as well?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28He is the godfather of Murdoch's child.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33He appeared at a baptism service on the banks of the Jordan.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37They thought they'd asked Dale Winton and then Tony Blair turned up.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39What does Blair charge for that sort of thing?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Baptisms? 500 quid, plus expenses.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Is it extra if he brings Cherie?- Always.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48She was meant to sing Pie Jesu. I think she did sing it in the end.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Cherie Blair sang Pie Jesu?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I would have paid £100,000 for that.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56The other guy, was it Paul McMullen,
0:09:56 > 0:10:01said the rather extraordinary thing that only paedophiles need privacy,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04because if you're demanding privacy you must be up to something bad.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Every time he opens his mouth, I think, "That's it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"It's over. The free press is finished."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11There is nothing he is embarrassed about.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12What did he say about phone hacking?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14It was honourable.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15He said:
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Let's see a few more of his gems to the committee. He said,
0:10:21 > 0:10:22"Phone hacking brings to light things that people
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"want to keep hidden because no-one needs privacy."
0:10:34 > 0:10:39The only light thing was that Alastair Campbell turned up.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Until that point it was looking dire for the press.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47But then he said, "People leak stories and the press run them."
0:10:47 > 0:10:50This is from the New Labour spin doctor.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58He also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop
0:10:58 > 0:11:01on Cherie Blair's fourth baby was obtained through phone hacking.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04He would probably know because he used to work for them,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06he could ring up his mates.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- But Piers Morgan was the editor then, so that cannot be right.- No(!)
0:11:12 > 0:11:17When is Piers Morgan being called to the Leveson to give a statement?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I think Mr Leveson is going over to appear on his show.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23This is week two of the Leveson Inquiry.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Charlotte Church said she was surprised to be asked
0:11:27 > 0:11:30to sing Pie Jesu at Rupert Murdoch's wedding,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32especially as it was a funeral song.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Although presumably it had been requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40JK Rowling told the inquiry she was horrified
0:11:40 > 0:11:42when a journalist tried to contact her by slipping
0:11:42 > 0:11:46a letter into her five-year-old daughter's School bag.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49She knew it could not be from her daughter as it was badly written
0:11:49 > 0:11:50and full of spelling mistakes.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57So, to round two. The Strengthometer of news!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Is that the mallet of wisdom?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I bloody well hope so!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Right...- Go on then. - Here's the first one.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER AND BUZZER
0:12:10 > 0:12:15This elaborately-Photoshoped image...
0:12:15 > 0:12:20Hitler, I think, had a sister that lived in Liverpool before WWI.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23The idea that Hitler spent some time in Liverpool is considered quite amusing.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Author, Mike Unger, has written a book:
0:12:31 > 0:12:34It explores the theory that Hitler stayed in a flat in Toxteth
0:12:34 > 0:12:40with his married half-brother from November 1912 to April 1913.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42According to the Daily Mail,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46his half-brother sent money over so that his sister, Angela, could come and join him
0:12:46 > 0:12:50but Adolf took the money and travelled over instead.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51The more you hear about him...
0:12:51 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:57According to the Sun, Hitler also visited London
0:12:57 > 0:12:59and loved Tower Bridge.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Particularly the way it just opened like that.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Hitler was apparently a...
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- You have got a load of Hitler jokes?- I know, it's good isn't it?!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Just get the joke book out...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Hitler was a regular in his local pub where
0:13:16 > 0:13:19he never caused any trouble. On one occasion,
0:13:19 > 0:13:20he down a pint rather quickly
0:13:20 > 0:13:24but he was only obeying last orders.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Phew!- I liked it!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I thought it was funny...
0:13:31 > 0:13:35THEY IMPERSONATE HITLER
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Fingers on buzzers.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- BUZZER - Sorry!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I just acted because I heard the words of command!
0:13:45 > 0:13:50SCOUSE ACCENT: That Hitler is a funny bloke, isn't he?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Nasty bit of work, that Hitler.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56He'll start a world war, you mark my words!
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Can't put this fag out!
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Sorry.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Right?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08This is a woman being inflated on the beach.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13It is the girl accused of being a Russian spy
0:14:13 > 0:14:15because she went out with a politician.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19They found that she was not a Russian spy, she was just a Russian.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23You're quite right.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25She used to go into the House of Commons canteen and say,
0:14:25 > 0:14:30"The sausages are cold for this time of year."
0:14:30 > 0:14:33"The seagull flies high over Krakow."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Sounds like secret messages.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I think they actually thought she was a spy because she made a beeline
0:14:38 > 0:14:41for a member of the Liberal Democratic Party.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Not very well informed then.- No.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46They thought, what other reason could there possibly be?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Phoning the Kremlin saying, "They're going to make Corduroy compulsory."
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- This is Katia Zatuliveter who... - Oh, you've practised that!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Konechno.- Very good! - That's all my Russian.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02You just learn her name and that was it?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06No, I just said "konechno", which is of course.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Oh, very good!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12APPLAUSE
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I just want to ring MI5!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27The show's not going out this week, these are cardboard figures!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31That's not Gyles Brandreth, it is a puppet from the Muppet Show!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It was.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Anyway, this woman had an affair with the Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Not just him, though. She had a thing for older men with not much power.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Look at Gyles.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Exactly!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I would have been drawn to her because looking at the picture,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59she looks a little bit like Meryl Streep
0:15:59 > 0:16:01as Margaret Thatcher as a girl.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Gyles, when you say you're drawn to her,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13it's important to know those two men don't come as part of the package.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18As you said, she has been cleared by an immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19What was the crucial evidence?
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- She kept a diary.- Wouldn't that be your cover anyway?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25To have a diary that didn't say anything about spying?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it."
0:16:27 > 0:16:30That is what you would write.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35The tribunal concluded that their liaison was...
0:16:41 > 0:16:44That seems a bit harsh, doesn't it?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Gyles, you're a bit of a Tommy Two-ways,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48do you think he is attractive?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- You've boasted about it many times. - You have.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I am sorry, I told Kirsty in confidence!
0:17:01 > 0:17:05What did we learn from her diary that might have convinced the panel?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07We wouldn't read other people's diaries.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Ian might because in certain occasions,
0:17:09 > 0:17:13in the public interest, it's justified.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Quite right. Yep.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Katia said in her diary...
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Heading the tribunal,
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Justice Mitting found that she was not a spy and simply formed...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Adding, call me.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44OK, here's the next one.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46BUZZER
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Oh, right, yes.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53They have invented a piece of plastic that can do the limbo.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56It is a robot that can go underneath that little sort of line of glass,
0:17:56 > 0:18:01- and come out the other side. An intelligent robot.- Yes.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06This is the news that American roboticists have finally invented...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Roboticists, all those bloody robots....
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Argh!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Just injecting some energy!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Felt the show needed it, sorry.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Promise not to do it again.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24They have finally invented a limbo-dancing...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Finally! At last!
0:18:26 > 0:18:30A limbo-dancing robot - get stuck in!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35It can change shape and wiggle.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- Oh!- Oooh!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41God, that could be my honeymoon.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:48 > 0:18:50this is the limbo-dancing robot
0:18:50 > 0:18:53that can wriggle into the tightest spaces.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57The robot has a range of motions including crawling and slithering.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01It's already been tipped to take over as Royal correspondent from Nicholas Witchell.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05It's time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08The winner of the Turnip Art Prize,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10David Cameron, Madron FC
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and the CV of Benedict Le Gauche.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13BUZZER
0:19:13 > 0:19:16The Turnip award, I've never heard of that,
0:19:16 > 0:19:18but it would suggest it's an award
0:19:18 > 0:19:21for a bad piece of art. You have the Turner award
0:19:21 > 0:19:24so Turnip is maybe something about not being very good.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26The football team, football teams you've never heard of
0:19:26 > 0:19:29are either famous because they win every match or lose every match.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I assume it's something about losing, because the Turnip prize...
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Now, this is where I start running out of steam
0:19:35 > 0:19:39because I've never heard of Benedict Le Gauche or David Cameron.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42So is that anywhere... Is it about failure?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Might be.- Might be, OK, means it is.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Did Benedict Le Gauche send in thousands of CVs?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50CVs, you're on the right line.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I got that, because it says "curriculum vitae".
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I'm just trying to be encouraging.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Patronising is good, too.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- I'm sure she didn't mean it.- No!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Prizes for being bad at stuff? So the Turnip prize is a bad thing,
0:20:04 > 0:20:09that football team's the worst team of the league, the wooden spoon,
0:20:09 > 0:20:13the curriculum vitae, he's got the worst CV anyone has ever seen
0:20:13 > 0:20:17so the odd one out is David Cameron for none of the above reasons.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Who's won a prize this week as GQ Man of the Year,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Runner-up to the gentleman sitting on my right, who became GQ...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- What did you become this week? - Playmate?- Playmate!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Playmate of the Year! It's our Playmate of the Year, everybody!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35APPLAUSE
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- David Cameron is the odd one out. - Because...- He's failed totally.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39No, because he...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44They have all been described as the worst ever, as you said, Paul,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46apart from David Cameron, who is merely
0:20:46 > 0:20:50"the worst politician in British history since William Gladstone."
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Patrick Mercer said that.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Yes, he did.- A renegade MP, who was overheard saying it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58He was caught on tape at a London party saying it.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00What an invasion of his privacy!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03How dare we know what MPs think of their leader.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05He went on to say about David Cameron...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15He also said Cameron was an...
0:21:20 > 0:21:24And the football team, Madron FC, the Cornish football team, they are,
0:21:24 > 0:21:28they've been described as the worst ever to grace British soil
0:21:28 > 0:21:31after losing all their season's matches.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Their worst result was...- 36-0.
0:21:33 > 0:21:3555-0.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Things got so bad for the team
0:21:38 > 0:21:42that the phrase, "If you don't want to know the score, look away now,"
0:21:42 > 0:21:44became a regular part of the manager's pre-match pep talk.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51The Turnip Prize looks to find the worst possible art.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Last year's winner was a plate holding a large chilli
0:21:55 > 0:21:56and three small ones.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59It represented a very disappointing episode of Masterchef.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01We can take a look at it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"Chilli 'n' minors," it represented.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07GYLES: I think that's tremendous!
0:22:07 > 0:22:12What criteria do you think the Turnip Prize entries are judged on?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14They must be puns, because Turnip...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It's not really a pun on Turner, but it's a play on the word.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Worst pun in art.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Well, they are based on the following criteria.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Same system the Turner use.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Let's come to Benedict Le Gauche's CV. The 28-year-old from Manchester
0:22:39 > 0:22:42has been accused of writing the world's worst CV
0:22:42 > 0:22:44because it's too honest.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48For example, what experience does Benedict have in the world of work?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Absolutely none, but keen to learn.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55According to his CV, duties at earlier jobs included...
0:23:09 > 0:23:11His CV isn't all bad.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15He does highlight, as you would expect, his good points. He can...
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- That's great!- And according to his covering letter...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47which this week features as its guest publication
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Grass Cuttings, the magazine of the British Lawnmower Museum.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54We start with...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58GYLES: You call it grass, I call it weed,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00it's a generation thing.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07You call it Tommy Two-ways, I call it keeping it all your options open.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10APPLAUSE
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, yes! Oh, I've met him!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Father Gabriel Amorth, the papal exorcist.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Oh, yes! He was with me for quite a time.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27It didn't work, then?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Father Gabriel Amorth has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter
0:24:35 > 0:24:38deal with magic and are evil.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Father Gabriel is the only Catholic priest
0:24:40 > 0:24:43who is still interested in the Harry Potter films
0:24:43 > 0:24:45since the stars passed the age of 16.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Next...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53MARCUS: Is it, "Here's one for free in your yoghurt"?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Somebody was eating a fudge yoghurt
0:24:55 > 0:24:58and it had some chunks of fudge - delicious, yes,
0:24:58 > 0:24:59and a tooth.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04Which is delicious if you like that sort of thing, but mostly not.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Was it somebody at the bottom eating it up from the other way?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Yes, that explains it!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It was the Muller Tooth Corner. You get some teeth,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- and then you fill it up with teeth. - Exactly.- Delicious.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17So it is...
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- Well done.- Whilst eating a pot of yoghurt, lorry driver David Casey
0:25:24 > 0:25:26bit into a rotten tooth. Here it is.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28AUDIENCE GROANS
0:25:28 > 0:25:31When he returned the offending pot to the local store,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34he was offered a refund of 68p,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38although he would have got more money if he put it under his pillow.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39And finally...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47GYLES: Oh, no. It can't possibly be!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51MARCUS: We've ruled out circumcision, have we? As a group?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Yes, but not necessarily for the answer to this.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57I've ruled it out generally. It's too late for me now.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00A lawnmower vasectomy.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- Worse.- Oh, no.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05"Successfully sever own penis." That's not a suggestion,
0:26:05 > 0:26:06it's just what I feel like doing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Marcus was correct.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Was it a race?- The first?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21That suggests there'd been a spate of them in Milwaukee.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22It is astonishing, isn't it?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25No matter how dangerous a machine might be, somewhere in the world
0:26:25 > 0:26:28there is always one man prepared to see what happens
0:26:28 > 0:26:30if he puts his penis in it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33So, the final scores are,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Ian and Gyles have six.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Paul and Marcus have 10.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41APPLAUSE
0:26:44 > 0:26:45I leave you with news
0:26:45 > 0:26:50that as the Olympic bus timetabling sub-committee meeting enters its fourth hour,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00In Northampton, there's a mixed response
0:27:00 > 0:27:02as Wetherspoon's starts doing breakfasts.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09And at 4am at the Autumnwatch wrap party,
0:27:09 > 0:27:13there's evidence that some of the guests may have overdone things.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Good night!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd