0:00:26 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44In the news this week...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46In Coventry, a small manufacturing firm
0:00:46 > 0:00:49is boosted by a high-profile customer
0:00:49 > 0:00:52for its new arse elbow separator.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03It's 27 hours into the longest ever final of musical chairs
0:01:03 > 0:01:07and all Britain's exhausted contestant has to do
0:01:07 > 0:01:10to clinch the title of world champion
0:01:10 > 0:01:12is to sit on the chair.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21And after one garden shed burglary too many,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24the Godalming Neighbourhood Watch group get serious.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31With Ian tonight is a comedian
0:01:31 > 0:01:35who says all the people who work at the BBC are really nice.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Really?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39That's odd, all the people I ever worked with at the BBC
0:01:39 > 0:01:41told me they couldn't stand you.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Please welcome Humphrey Ker.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And with Paul tonight is a comedy writer
0:01:50 > 0:01:53who recently created a new version of The Ladykillers,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55where a sweet, innocent old lady
0:01:55 > 0:01:58finds herself surrounded by a gang of misfits.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I know the feeling.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Please welcome Graham Linehan.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:12And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Ian and Humphrey, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20- It's Abu Qatada. - Surrounded by a miasma of hate!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23He's staying to become the next Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27That's the backlog of cases. Yep, you're a mug.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32This was the week where the Government was very keen
0:02:32 > 0:02:35to get back its reputation for competence...
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- and it didn't go so well.- No.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39We announced we were going to get rid of Abu Qatada.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"He's off on Tuesday."
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Then today we find out, "Oh, we can't,"
0:02:43 > 0:02:45because he's put in an appeal.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49And the Home Office said he had to appeal by Monday night
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and the European Court of Human Rights said,
0:02:51 > 0:02:52"No, it's Tuesday night."
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- No-one appears to have checked. - It's a classic diary error.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57We've all done it.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"Which day is the 17th?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01"Monday, I think.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"I'll check when I get home."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Well, a correct answer, actually,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09is when the court officials who actually set the deadline say it is.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13But I notice his lawyers only put the appeal in
0:03:13 > 0:03:15one hour before the deadline.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18They just love living on the edge.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I imagine it's not a lot of fun being a human rights lawyer.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You've got to live vicariously when you have the chance!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30What Abu Qatada's done wrong
0:03:30 > 0:03:33is he's not got the right sort of PR behind him.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36If you could make him seem a bit more lovable,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38people might not be quite so keen.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41So, I think get the cockneys to like him first.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- HAVE A BANANA THEME:- # Abu Qatada. #
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Like this.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I'd like to have my own theme tune as well.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Cos I think we should all have one.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What would yours be?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I'd like to have the sound of broken glass
0:03:56 > 0:04:01followed by a high-pitched female voice saying, "Leave it, Dave, he's not worth it."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Do you know how Abu Qatada...
0:04:05 > 0:04:06MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME
0:04:06 > 0:04:10..has been described in the press?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13He's been described as Al-Qaeda's top man in Britain.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18The Times describes Qatada as, "radical Muslim cleric,"
0:04:18 > 0:04:20The Sun as, "hate preacher,"
0:04:20 > 0:04:22and the Daily Telegraph as...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24"Mr Qatada."
0:04:25 > 0:04:29The Grand Chamber of the European Court of Human Rights
0:04:29 > 0:04:32previously ruled that Abu Qatada couldn't be sent home to Jordan
0:04:32 > 0:04:35as there was a likelihood that evidence obtained by torture
0:04:35 > 0:04:37would be used against him.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38According to The Times,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41the Jordanian government said they would "bend over backwards," -
0:04:41 > 0:04:44anyone who accused them of torturing prisoners.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Reassuring, isn't it?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51And what have Labour MPs accused Theresa May of doing?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Not knowing which day of the week it is.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58They've accused her of "dragging her heels."
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Very good.- Yeah, here's some evidence to back it up, guys.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Because of THAT we missed the deadline?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22And meanwhile, what has the Libyan military commander
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Abdel Hakim Belhadj accused Jack Straw of doing?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Sending him after Gaddafi to be tortured.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yeah, he was basically a gift to Gaddafi.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Blair and Straw needed a present for their favourite dictator.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39You know, maybe they'd get one in return - oil rights or...
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I don't know, a bung when you leave office.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Ha-ha-ha! That won't go in!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Extraordinary accusation there! - Extraordinary!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Suggesting that Mr Blair has made a HUGE amount of money
0:05:51 > 0:05:54since leaving a bloodstained period when he was in charge.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I do hope that doesn't get through(!)
0:05:59 > 0:06:04This man is suing Straw personally and he might win.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08So we could find out what happened in the Blair years,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10which is quite exciting.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11For some of us.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Well, I've actually had my house extraordinarily rendered.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Or stone clad, as the builder called it.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22The rendition of Belhadj took place
0:06:22 > 0:06:25just before Tony Blair met Gaddafi for the "deal in the desert".
0:06:25 > 0:06:26According to The Sunday Times,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"He had no recollection of the Belhadj case,"
0:06:30 > 0:06:33and went on to ask, "What war in Iraq?"
0:06:36 > 0:06:37- In other terrorism news...- Yes!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I'm sorry, we have to plough this furrow a little further -
0:06:41 > 0:06:42- not for long.- I'm all for it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46We'll have a big knob on in a minute.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50What's that?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Paul, I don't know, I just said "knob" to lighten the atmosphere.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh, I see, "knob ON." I thought, like a marathon,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- I thought it was all one word. - Oh, right!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- That was the only way I would watch the Olympics.- What?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- If there was a knob on.- Oh, I see.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08In other terrorism news - I'm not going to do this for long -
0:07:08 > 0:07:11but a Taliban commander has been arrested.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Was this as a result of a complicated undercover operation?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- The answer to that must, surely, be no.- The answer, surely, is no.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Mohammad Ashan walked up to a checkpoint,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25held up a wanted poster bearing his own face
0:07:25 > 0:07:28and demanded the 100 finder's fee.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33That is a CLASSIC mistake.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36He should have held out for 200.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Well, an official declared, "Clearly the man is an imbecile."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43How are we getting on with the noise of the broken glass
0:07:43 > 0:07:46and, "Stop it, Dave, he's not worth it," for my noise?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- How's that coming along? - I don't know, is that coming along?
0:07:50 > 0:07:51No.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Who'd like to see the next President of the World Bank in action?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Yes!- Oh, yeah.- No, I wouldn't.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00His name is Jim Yong Kim
0:08:00 > 0:08:03and Obama has just announced his appointment
0:08:03 > 0:08:05as head of the World Bank.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07It's in safe hands. Here he is.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13# I've had the time of my life
0:08:13 > 0:08:16# And I've never felt this way before
0:08:16 > 0:08:20# And I swear it's the truth
0:08:20 > 0:08:22# And I owe it all to you. #
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Dirty bit!
0:08:25 > 0:08:26DANCE MUSIC
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Half man, half pillar box.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Yeah, look at him, a real banker!- Yeah.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41He's DOWN with the interest rates!
0:08:41 > 0:08:42# This is hot tonight
0:08:42 > 0:08:45# Go, go be green Go, go! #
0:08:45 > 0:08:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- What's he in charge of? - He is in charge of the World Bank.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55He's in charge of all the money?!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00So Abu Qatada has got his own theme tune.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- Now we've got lined up, for you, what you suggested earlier.- Really?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07What was yours again?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Well, I'd like to hear the sound of a goat doing Frank Sinatra records.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Singing My Way while being pushed through Swansea in a pram.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Have you got it?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I'd like my theme tune to be a lorry driving through Cornwall.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:29 > 0:09:31On a Wednesday.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Have you got it?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37So this is the latest attempt to deport...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME - ..Abu Qatada.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Explaining his decision to jail Qatada, the judge said,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"There is a real possibility he will abscond."
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Yes, the last thing we want him to do is leave the country(!)
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Theresa May is looking for ways of speeding up Qatada's extradition
0:09:58 > 0:10:00and says she will be,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"Examining the processes and procedures used in Italy".
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Where they're much tougher -
0:10:05 > 0:10:09any trouble and you're on the first cruise ship out of there.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Talking about his past, The Sun found a school friend
0:10:13 > 0:10:16who told them Qatada was a normal young man.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20He was interested in girls and listened to Pink Floyd.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22So very normal, except with him
0:10:22 > 0:10:24the girls got stoned AFTER they listened to Pink Floyd.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Paul and Graham, take a look at this...
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Oh, this is obviously 100 days to go.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36These are a lot of visitors at the Olympic Stadium. There we are.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38"What the bloody hell's going on here?"
0:10:38 > 0:10:40That's a very bad camera that's been used by the BBC.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42You can't quite see what's happened.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Yes, this is the Olympic Games - 100 days to go, 98 days to go,
0:10:45 > 0:10:4997 days to go or, if you're watching on Dave, three years ago.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And what an extraordinary Games they turned out to be.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58So, yeah, this is the news that it's not long till the Olympics
0:10:58 > 0:11:00or as it's known in The Independent,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"The £11 billion tax funded advertising campaign
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"for some of the world's worst companies."
0:11:06 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Does anyone know why that VT was pixellated at the end?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- It's copyright, isn't it? - That's right...- Almost everything.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22So, beneath that pixellating I think there are the Olympic rings.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Yeah...- In some cultures are the rings considered pornographic?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I think that's what's under there. They look like rings.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- Are you going to unpixellate it in an act of daring? - I'm not allowed to.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36If I did I would get sent to Jordan with...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38MUSIC: HAVE A BANANA THEME
0:11:39 > 0:11:41No, the VT's pixellated
0:11:41 > 0:11:44because we're not allowed to show the Olympic logo
0:11:44 > 0:11:46because it comes under the remit of two acts of Parliament
0:11:46 > 0:11:50preventing misuse of Olympic logos.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Well, I mean, we could have got permission
0:11:51 > 0:11:56but I'd have had to have jumped through all sorts of hoops.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58It was very heavily policed in China, wasn't it?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Didn't they go into the toilets
0:12:00 > 0:12:02and if you get one of those hand dryers
0:12:02 > 0:12:05they have to put sticky tape over the name of the company
0:12:05 > 0:12:08who do the hand dryers.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11They're actually going to be doing that here, yes.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13In the toilets, soap dispensers, wash basins...
0:12:13 > 0:12:17And you're allowed take in any drink or product that isn't sponsored,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20which will be tough for the Queen, isn't it?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Why?- She's a brand. - Oh, I see what you mean.- A brand.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I thought you meant she liked a McDonald's burger, or something.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31She's having a full Adidas tracksuit run up as we speak.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Also, the athletes aren't allowed to Tweet.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36There's, like, really hardcore guidelines
0:12:36 > 0:12:39about what they're allowed to say on the internet, about what they're doing.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Like, they can't say, "Oh, I'm so thirsty, I love water."
0:12:42 > 0:12:46It has to be like, "I love super action megawater!"
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Also, isn't there something about local businesses?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Like the Olympic Kebab Grill, or something,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54that's been forced to change its name in case people think,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58"Oh, I wonder if that's the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Absolutely. The Olympic Cafe in Stratford
0:13:01 > 0:13:05was told he couldn't call his restaurant Cafe Olympic
0:13:05 > 0:13:06and he'd have to change the sign.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Now, it would have cost him three grand to change it.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12So, according to the Newham Recorder...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- That's very good. - Well, he's painted the "O" out.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30So if you have trouble finding it, the Cafe Olympic is excellent value
0:13:30 > 0:13:34and it's at...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Now there's...- Do you have to book?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40You probably do now.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Little Chef were told
0:13:41 > 0:13:44they should consider changing the name of their Olympic breakfast.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45No, really?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Yes, as it was "unhelpful" to the 2012 Olympics.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Quite unhelpful describing it as breakfast!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52There it is.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Look, that's a magnificent effort by the British runner!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, sausage, potatoes and beans
0:13:57 > 0:14:00or as I call it - the modern heptathlon!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Do you know who will be unable to accept his invitation
0:14:06 > 0:14:08to the opening ceremony?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09It's me.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- Ahh.- Ahh.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I'm going to be washing my hair!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Does that take all day?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I've no... Who can't come?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- The Who's drummer, Keith Moon. - Oh, yes.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25His manager was asked by the opening ceremony organisers
0:14:25 > 0:14:29if he would take part in a reunion with the other members of the band,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32despite having been dead for 34 years!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Hasn't stopped The Rolling Stones!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Wouldn't put it past Keith, though.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Did you see that documentary where he was so out of it,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44that he was playing the drums
0:14:44 > 0:14:48and he just starts, kind of, nodding, starts nodding off.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50And a roadie had to crawl onto the stage
0:14:50 > 0:14:55and inject his heel with amphetamines and he just, kind of, went...
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Came back to life!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Like the rabbit with the long-lasting battery.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08BBC coverage of the Olympics will no longer include what?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Rings.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Well, sadly, the coverage of the Olympics
0:15:12 > 0:15:17will no longer include Ceefax, which was shut down this week.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I found out that Diana died on Ceefax.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20I still don't know how she died
0:15:20 > 0:15:22because the second page hasn't loaded yet.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29This is the marking of 100 days to go till the Olympics start.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34And even more excitingly, 116 till it's all over.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37And then we can sit back and enjoy the hundreds of years of legacy,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40which is Lord Coe's fancy word for debt.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46The closing ceremony will feature songs which represent
0:15:46 > 0:15:50different eras of British music. According to The Independent...
0:15:54 > 0:15:59..as it clashes with the filming of Johnny Rotten's latest butter advert.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04And so to round two. It's a welcome return to the picture spin quiz.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10BUZZER
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- That's Pippa Middleton, with a gun. - HUMPHREY: So it is.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17She's not the one holding the gun, though.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21A nicely-focused picture for someone that's about to be shot.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Hmm. Yeah.- The name's Middleton. - Was this in Paris?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27We presume it's a mock gun.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29It's unclear, because someone in the car
0:16:29 > 0:16:32worked for the gun manufacturing company called Heckler & Koch.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Heckler & Koch?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:42That sounds like a rather rough vasectomy clinic.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49I actually had an experience like that at The Comedy Store.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Yeah. You couldn't go back on for the second half, could you?- No.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57At the weekend, this was considered slightly distasteful,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00given the recent events in France.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02He got this gun out from the glove compartment
0:17:02 > 0:17:05while they were driving around and then waved it at the paparazzi.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It was a sort of good-humoured threat.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09"You might die."
0:17:09 > 0:17:13What could the punishment be if the gun turns out to be real?
0:17:13 > 0:17:19- Seven years.- Seven years in prison for all parties involved. - What, everyone in the car?!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Yeah.- Really?!- Ooh, you're looking really chirpy now.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- "Really?!"- That would be a first. We'd have to extradite Pippa.
0:17:28 > 0:17:34Apparently, the case is being dealt with at, according to the Express...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39So, way over Sarkozy's head, then.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45This is the news that Pippa Middleton
0:17:45 > 0:17:49has been driving through Paris with a French playboy brandishing a gun.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52So now it's Pippa's turn to be upstaged by an arse.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Kate and Pippa's brother James has also been revealed
0:17:58 > 0:18:00to be running a saucy cake business.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03He insists he's a self-made man and recently said...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Well, he clearly knows nothing about cakes, then.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Speaking of cakes,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14the Swedish culture minister was in trouble this week
0:18:14 > 0:18:18after being photographed cutting into an allegedly racist cake.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24The cake was designed to highlight the abuse of women...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Honestly, even Mr Kipling stopped making those in the 1970s.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39BUZZER
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Somebody has invented a TV channel for dogs.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Dogs have nothing to do and you think,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"I wish that dog could watch a TV programme devoted to what dogs like,"
0:18:47 > 0:18:51and somebody's done it. It's dogs looking at pictures of other dogs, balls being chased,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54sticks being thrown across rivers, loads of trees,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56dogs just look at it and dogs are happy.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It's Dog TV all the way.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00It is indeed.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:07According to Sky News, Dog TV is an eight-hour block
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- of on-demand cable TV programming... - On demand by who?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13A Labrador insists on watching Gone With The Wind?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Any idea what programmes will appear on Dog TV?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Yes, a load of made-up programmes with dog puns in the title.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Here's two. Britain's Got Lampposts.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Britain's Got Lampposts? - All right!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Sorry!- Are these real? - No, they're not.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- What about Down Boy Abbey? - Yeah, that's good.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37The Dog Channel takes its responsibilities very seriously.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Only after the 9pm watershed does it show any bottom-sniffing.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51BUZZER
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I know this one. This is a town in Austria that has an unfortunate name.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57That asterisk and that upside-down letter
0:19:57 > 0:20:00should give you some idea what it is.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03So this is the Austrian village which is holding a vote this week
0:20:03 > 0:20:05on whether to change its name.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Do you know what's prompted the name change?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Is it that the name is BLEEP?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19It only became a problem during the Second World War
0:20:19 > 0:20:23when American soldiers came in and started giggling all the time.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Apparently, some traditionalists want the 16th-century name
0:20:27 > 0:20:31for the village reinstated, which was Fugging.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34And what's the potential problem with a name change?
0:20:34 > 0:20:35GRAHAM: I don't fugging know.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42According to the mayor, Franz Meindl...
0:20:49 > 0:20:51APPLAUSE
0:20:54 > 0:20:56The residents have been told to lighten up and cash in
0:20:56 > 0:20:58by Juergen Stoll, who runs a guesthouse
0:20:58 > 0:21:01in the Swiss village of Wank.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Mr Stoll added...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Single rooms only, of course.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16It's time now for the odd one out round. Just one between you this week.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Mitt Romney's dog,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22a series of ads claiming homosexuality is curable,
0:21:22 > 0:21:26a pheasant in Gloucestershire and a traffic cop in Vietnam.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Well, that poster -
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"Not gay, ex-gay, post-gay, proud. Get over it!"
0:21:30 > 0:21:32That was on the side of a bus
0:21:32 > 0:21:35or it was going to be and then Boris banned it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Yeah.- That traffic cop, there was a story about him
0:21:38 > 0:21:41jumping on a bus trying to give it a ticket.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43So he was on the side of a bus.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Mitt Romney's dog was run over and stuck to the side of a bus.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51No, he went on a bus, the dog.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Mitt Romney put his dog in a crate on top of his car
0:21:55 > 0:21:57and drove it many hundreds of miles.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59So it's not a bus, it's a moving vehicle.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Yeah. This pheasant is the official driver for the 2012 Olympics.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I think this pheasant is one of those birds
0:22:06 > 0:22:09that regularly does a commute from Nottingham to Lincoln
0:22:09 > 0:22:11or something like that. I think it's a regular thing.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14The poster's the only thing that's not been on a moving vehicle.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- We were getting there! - Hey! We get first dibs. - You're all right. Yes, it's...
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Oh, it's not the Lib Dem conference, come on!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23I wish it was.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Because I've got a soft spot for Clegg.- Really?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Yeah, face-down on Hackney marshes...
0:22:29 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Yes, although you weren't quite right about the pheasant.
0:22:37 > 0:22:43But anyway, the Vietnamese traffic cop was Lieutenant Manh Phan.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Manh Phan?- Manh Phan. I know.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Talking of gay buses.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"I'm not gay, I'm just a MAN FAN."
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Yes, the clip of him went viral after he was spotted
0:22:54 > 0:22:57clinging onto the front of a bus in Vietnam.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Who wants to see Lieutenant Phan in action?
0:23:00 > 0:23:01- ALL: Oh, yes.- Yes. Here we go.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15It looks like an On The Buses, Dad's Army mash-up.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Did anyone catch what he was shouting there?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20"Stop filming me."
0:23:22 > 0:23:24"When is the next request stop?"
0:23:25 > 0:23:28According to The Times, he was heard yelling...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35A pheasant in Gloucestershire survived a 40-mile trip
0:23:35 > 0:23:38after getting hit by a car and wedged in the grill.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42The pheasant has made a full recovery.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45OK. They've all travelled on the outside of a vehicle
0:23:45 > 0:23:47apart from the anti-gay advertising campaign,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50which wasn't allowed to appear on the outside of buses.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, banned the ads,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55having always been a champion of gay women,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57or as he calls them, a challenge.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Mitt Romney has been criticised for once driving his car
0:24:03 > 0:24:07with the family dog on the roof, or as his dog called it, the ruuff!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Sorry.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12In a similar incident, George W Bush
0:24:12 > 0:24:15also put his dog on the roof before travelling.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Sadly, that was on Air Force One.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22A Vietnamese traffic cop was seen
0:24:22 > 0:24:24clinging to the front of a speeding bus.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Here he is, as we've seen.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28The bus was driven by Phung Hong Phuong
0:24:28 > 0:24:33and was stopped by traffic cop Nguyen Manh Phan.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It was captured on video by Ang On Tightly.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Yeah... Yeah.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Time now for the missing words round,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48which this week features as its guest publication, Blaze,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50the lighter magazine.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53If it was about something interesting, it would no doubt be heavier.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55And we start with...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02HUMPHREY: Equals one hell of a night.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- GRAHAM: Chocolate. - What? Hexagonal nut chocolate?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Flat kick arm with nipple... That sounds like a good night out, actually.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Next...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26HUMPHREY: Still a virgin at 44.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33GRAHAM: Has umbrella handle sticking out of his bottom.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43This is Matt Wilks of the Isle of Wight who bought an umbrella hat
0:25:43 > 0:25:46on eBay and was hit twice by lightning within minutes.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49According to the Sun, he was going to...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Not sure what he was going as. Presumably a twat.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57And finally...
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Ann Widdecombe!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06What news does he have of life beyond the veil?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Golden wheels.- Golden wheels?- Yes.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12"Run into the light!" "I can't!"
0:26:14 > 0:26:18After being buried, the hamster dug himself out of his grave.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20This story has upset a lot of children,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22but if you're watching kids, please don't worry,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24it can't happy with Jimmy Savile.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32So the final scores are Paul and Graham have five
0:26:32 > 0:26:36and Ian and Humphrey have seven.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Another terrific win!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47It's a freeze-frame!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49AUDIENCE GROANS
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Thank you very much!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55David Attenborough lives over there. Let's see how he likes it!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02On which note, we say thank you to our panellists
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Ian Hislop and Humphrey Ker,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Paul Merton and Graham Linehan.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I leave you with news that the Japanese government
0:27:08 > 0:27:11announces that, after the meltdown,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13the rivers round the Fukushima nuclear plant
0:27:13 > 0:27:15are once more full of salmon.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Just as he thinks he's found the perfect picnic spot,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25there's a nasty surprise for Nick Griffin.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34And as staff at London Zoo unveil their new charity calendar,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36there are concerns that Miss December
0:27:36 > 0:27:38may not get past the censors.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Good night!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd