0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Warwick Davis. In the news this week...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45At Camp Bastion, word gets out
0:00:45 > 0:00:47that the Foster's tanker has arrived...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49SPEECH MUTED
0:00:50 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00On Newsnight, there's further evidence of George Osborne's
0:01:00 > 0:01:03incompetence, as he tries to do a piece to camera.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:12And in Moscow, the Russian Mafia launch their own version of Ocado...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:17On Ian's team tonight
0:01:17 > 0:01:20is a comedian who says that if he wasn't in comedy,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22he'd probably be an undertaker.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Well, if this week has taught us anything,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26it's that there's a lot of money in funerals.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And with Paul tonight,
0:01:37 > 0:01:38the current President of
0:01:38 > 0:01:41The Association Of British Scrabble Players,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44who is also a firm opponent of the British Honours system
0:01:44 > 0:01:48so he'll never accept an "O", a "B" or an "E".
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Please welcome Gyles Brandreth!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And we start with the bigger stories of the week...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Paul and Gyles, take a look at this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04This is the funeral of Margaret Thatcher.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- I didn't see it myself but... - This is...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- That's George Osborne. - George Osborne.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ed Miliband. These are the people turning up.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13There's Terry Wogan, and...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17the man of the moment, who's had a haircut, by the look of it.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Oh!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:22A man with clear political vision.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24You were there, weren't you, Gyles?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I was there. I was very honoured to be there and, in fact,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29it was a very moving service.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32But, I have to say, I was seated amongst all the sort of
0:02:32 > 0:02:34ex-Parliamentarians and Parliamentarians
0:02:34 > 0:02:37and I sort of looked around, and it was honestly like, sort of,
0:02:37 > 0:02:43finding you'd woken up in the middle of an episode of Spitting Image.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Because sort of 25, 30 years on, these people
0:02:47 > 0:02:49actually now look like the puppets.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53There was a moment, in fact,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I actually thought that the Great Lady herself
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- was going to come to life once more. - Oh, really?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- Because...- That could have been interesting television, wouldn't it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Well, it would have been wonderful for the world,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07but the reason I thought it might have happened,
0:03:07 > 0:03:12seriously, is I glanced under David Cameron, the Prime Minister's,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15chair. He was seated adjacent to the Queen and the Duke Of Edinburgh
0:03:15 > 0:03:19and under his chair was a bottle of Evian water.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24French water in St Paul's, at Margaret Thatcher's funeral.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I was surprised that the casket didn't burst open, and a hand
0:03:27 > 0:03:30come out and grab it from under the chair.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32She would not have approved of that.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Most people don't come back from the dead because of mineral water.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Tony Blair was there, looking less orange than of late.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You know, he's become the sort of Dale Winton
0:03:42 > 0:03:45of the Middle East peace process.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48That's what the Middle East peace process was missing -
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- that energy that Dale can bring to it.- Absolutely.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Well, he was looking positively pallid.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54There were other people I thought...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Well, I saw Dr Kissinger was there.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I thought I saw Angela Merkel
0:03:58 > 0:04:01but it turned out to be Clare Balding.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04So is that the answer to the question, then?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Yeah, it was the funeral of the century, in fact.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- A strange occasion where... - Not necessarily,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13of course, cos we're only in 2013.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Yeah, we've got loads of them to go.- So far.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19We've got Brown's, Blair's...
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- Norman Lamont.- Clegg's state funeral, you can imagine that one.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27JOE: You can tell all the ex-Prime Ministers were sitting there going,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"They're not going to do this for me, are they?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"I'd be lucky to get a bloody buffet."
0:04:33 > 0:04:36That sounds very like John Major.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Well, it was, as Gyles has said, an occasion where people like
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Michael Crawford rubbed shoulders with Baroness Boothroyd.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Ooh, Betty.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Do you know what the dress code was for men?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Trousers.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Were you in top hat and tails? - No, I wasn't.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I was just wearing a sober dark suit.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- Were you an usher?- I wasn't.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03We've had the wedding, and we're going to have the birth,
0:05:03 > 0:05:04as you know, later in the year.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08This is a funeral to keep us going meanwhile.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I did think that, about halfway through.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Having started off thinking, "Oh, what a waste of money."
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Then I thought, "Well, actually, we've got all this kit.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20"We've got these cathedrals, we've got the choirs, we've got the army.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22"May as well use them, really."
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- JOE: Take the Bishops out of storage. - Absolutely!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28But it was great.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I mean, I do like funerals, and I realised halfway through,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I'm really enjoying this and I don't really care whose funeral it is.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:36You had everything.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40You had Vaughan Williams and Bunyan, and...Elgar, Nimrod.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I mean, for some of us, it was just worth every penny.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48For people like you, Ian... I bought your magazine this week.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Page, after page, after page.... You adored...
0:05:51 > 0:05:52That's how magazines work.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Yeah.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56They work like that.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58APPLAUSE
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- He stuffed his magazine with... - Has he? What, put stuff in it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04You bastard!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- It's glorious Thatcher memorabilia. - Oh, is it?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- He cannot get enough of her.- No,
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I thought the reverend and sensible thing to do was to produce
0:06:14 > 0:06:17an issue and then sell it for as much money as possible.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And it's what she would have wanted.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Well, to get back to the question...
0:06:23 > 0:06:27which I asked some time ago.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30If you read your invitation, it would have said...
0:06:32 > 0:06:37Which is a shame, because George Osborne might have fallen on it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41He did a bit of blubbing, though. Here's a picture of him.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Looking rather upset.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45It showed he was human, didn't it?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I think he just stopped blinking.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Big screens relayed the coverage of the funeral to the British
0:06:52 > 0:06:53people all across the land.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:07:00But you talked about your love of the funeral already. I mean...
0:07:00 > 0:07:01you really did seem to enjoy it.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04And we don't want to hear any more about it.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09What you said about, um, about dead in the past is this...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Is that what you say at the breakfast table? How does your wife react?- Hmm?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35How does your wife react?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39I just want to repeat the fact I've got a wife - a lot of people don't believe that.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42OK, um...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Gyles, of course, was a prominent figure in Margaret Thatcher's
0:07:45 > 0:07:48reign, which were very different times.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51It's difficult for people who weren't alive then to believe
0:07:51 > 0:07:54that scenes like this were a daily occurrence.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:08:00That makes you feel a bit repulsed to look at that? Does it?
0:08:00 > 0:08:01GYLES: Not really.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I don't think would cause the people from Operation Yewtree to call on me.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Do you?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- Who didn't go to the funeral?- Me.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Though I did watch it and enjoy it, I may have said that.- Yes, yes.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17A lot of people didn't go.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20It was on a Wednesday, and quite a lot of people have jobs.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Not as many as before, but...
0:08:23 > 0:08:27GYLES: Glenda Jackson didn't go. JOE: She had a Zumba class.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Lord Mandelson didn't go, did you hear his story
0:08:31 > 0:08:34of his one and only meeting with Baroness Thatcher?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- No.- No, we'd like to.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It was just after he became Northern Ireland minister.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40According to him...
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Well, I have to say, all those little Irish fellows I know
0:08:52 > 0:08:54have never told me the truth about that pot of gold.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57What protests were expected at the funeral?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Oh, it was going to be huge.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Again, if you read the press,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03you'd have thought there was going to be the Poll Tax Riots.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06And then, when there aren't, they say, "Look! Ha! There are no riots.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"People couldn't even be bothered to turn up.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10"That just shows you."
0:09:10 > 0:09:13There was a great moment where they thought something had happened.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15They said, "Someone's thrown something!"
0:09:15 > 0:09:17And then they found out it was a flower.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Now, what's Arthur Scargill had to say about Thatcher?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25He's not in a very good position, he's in dispute with the NUM,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27so he can't really speak on behalf of the miners
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- cos they hate him a lot.- In fact,
0:09:30 > 0:09:34he hasn't said much since this interview that we found in 2012.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- REPORTER:- What do you now think about Margaret Thatcher?
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Not...not a lot?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- You got no views about Margaret Thatcher...? - REPORTER STIFLES LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Just after that he went, "Oh, sorry, I've got to turn my hearing aid up."
0:09:59 > 0:10:02So, apart from Prime Minister's Questions,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05what else didn't happen at the House Of Commons?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Big Ben. Big Ben didn't chime.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- They didn't want Big Ben going "ding dong".- Yes.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16They thought it would be disrespectful.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17And in very poor taste.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19APPLAUSE
0:10:19 > 0:10:21That's right, yeah. Big Ben didn't bong.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24For the first time since Churchill's death.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28And, staying with "ding dongs", how did they get the BBC into trouble?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Well, this is the BBC's compromise, isn't it?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33People were trying to get Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead
0:10:33 > 0:10:34from The Wizard Of Oz.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37And the BBC, rather than just playing it,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39decided they would play only a little bit of it,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43and then have a voice at the front and back saying,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"Now, this is a very serious protest song."
0:10:45 > 0:10:47And they come on going...
0:10:47 > 0:10:50# Ding dong, the witch is... #
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Who's making a large chunk of the money from the sales
0:10:53 > 0:10:54of The Witch Is Dead?
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- That's right.- Which is...as a die-hard... Sorry, a bad phrase.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04As a...a...dyed-in-the-wool, um, Conservative
0:11:04 > 0:11:06that must be a touch embarrassing
0:11:06 > 0:11:09to be making money out of this protest song.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Indeed. The cast recording from his production of The Wizard Of Oz
0:11:13 > 0:11:17is selling as many as the 1939 MGM film version.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20The original song was sung by the Munchkins.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Slightly creepy-looking with goblin-like features,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Lord Webber was present at the funeral.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Now, staying with funerals and cemeteries for a moment...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Yes, let's. - ..what is this man doing?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Is he visiting the Dignitas clinic?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40GYLES: Or is he bringing his wife back from it?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Or are they on their way to the cremation?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Is it a boil-in-the-bag person?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:55APPLAUSE
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Now, there's a very good reason he's in a bag.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He's in fact an ultra-Orthodox Jew,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03who cannot come into contact with the remains of a dead person
0:12:03 > 0:12:07and that includes flying through the airspace of a cemetery.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10So this was the ceremonial funeral of Margaret Thatcher,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13which dominated the media on Wednesday.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17At the service in St Paul's, David Cameron gave the second
0:12:17 > 0:12:19reading from the Gospel of St John.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20He told the congregation...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26And then he started reading from the Gospel of St John.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Lady Thatcher's former press secretary Bernard Ingham
0:12:30 > 0:12:32paid the biggest tribute possible
0:12:32 > 0:12:35by wearing his full, ceremonial eyebrows.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Ian, Joe, take a look at this.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Oh, that's One Direction.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Oh.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49JOE: Vince falling over a cable.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54That's people falling in love with One Direction.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Vince...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57not falling in love.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00He was asked about them at a press conference, is that right?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I think so, yeah. Well, no, he wasn't.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I think he wasn't and then he just started talking about them
0:13:05 > 0:13:06and no-one knew why.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10He started having a go about how much they'd earned last year, I think,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13which, clearly, is a little bit jealous cos his looks are fading.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Um...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18So what did he actually say? You sort of touched upon it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Did he say it was immoral how much they earn?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And, eh...and then he, em...
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I think he just sort of went, "I don't know where I am."
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Yeah, yeah, he was at an Institute Of Directors event
0:13:33 > 0:13:34on wealth inequality
0:13:34 > 0:13:38and he seemed to agree with criticism that the £25 million
0:13:38 > 0:13:41earnings of boy band One Direction were "mad".
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Although it was all a bit of a muddle.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Institute Director Simon Walker got their name wrong
0:13:45 > 0:13:48and called them "New Direction".
0:13:48 > 0:13:50And then, according to the Times...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It's easily done. I often get Vince Cable confused with
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Gunther von Hagens, the bloke who does autopsies and makes ice cream.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03LAUGHTER
0:14:03 > 0:14:05He actually went on Sky News
0:14:05 > 0:14:07to look as though he was on top of things. And said...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17That word "apparently", Vince, it's not helping.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19In other financial news,
0:14:19 > 0:14:23how much corporation tax has energy giant Npower paid
0:14:23 > 0:14:28on its £766 million profit in the past three years?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- BUZZ! - Nothing!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Did I say "buzz"? - No, my name's Ian.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- They paid no tax at all, I think. That right?- Absolutely.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42According to The Independent...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Npower's chief executive Paul Massara
0:14:52 > 0:14:54was asked by the House Of Commons committee...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Paul Massara replied...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- Which is an odd way of putting it, isn't it?- Yes.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13It means "no".
0:15:13 > 0:15:17He also said, "But it was in no way tax avoidance."
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Now, I don't know a massive amount
0:15:19 > 0:15:21about...tax avoidance,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24but I thought if you avoided tax,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27that was classed as tax...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- No, I'm wrong.- No!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32What have French president Francois Hollande's
0:15:32 > 0:15:35cabinet ministers been ordered to reveal?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38GYLES: Ooh. Their Swiss bank account numbers because
0:15:38 > 0:15:42one of them was discovered to have a stash of booty
0:15:42 > 0:15:45in a secret Swis-sh bank account.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Swish.- Swish.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- Fur-lined vaults. - Yeah.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Flunkies at every door. - Can you imagine?- Yeah, exactly.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- Gold ingots brought out like bars of Toblerone.- Yes!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00What, the big family bars or the little ones?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Oh, big, big...!- Bars! Big bar!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- They do tax avoidance properly. - Yeah.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I mean this is just, sort of, corporations avoiding it.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10- This is individuals.- Yes.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13This was actually the minister in charge of the budget, in charge
0:16:13 > 0:16:18of raising tax, has an offshore bank account and pays no tax himself.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I mean, I hope our cabinet are taking note...
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- cos this is how it's done properly. - Absolutely.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28They were told to declare all their personal wealth and assets.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Michele Delaunay, minister for the elderly,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33declared over five million euros including property
0:16:33 > 0:16:36and art collection, jewellery and watches
0:16:36 > 0:16:41while the housing minister, Cecile Duflot, admitted she owned...
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Meanwhile, what's special about this shirt?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49JOE: It's worn by a really cool dude.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52It's bought by Datta Phuge of India.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54It's gold. Actual gold.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57That's right, it's made out of gold worth 250,000.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02I'm going to go as far as to say, that is a touch gaudy.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04GYLES: Why is a third of the sleeve missing?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:13JOE: Is it...? Do you know by any chance, is it machine-washable?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Because if it's not, there's no point.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20You'd be up and down from the drycleaners, cost you a fortune.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- He's also been given the nickname "The Gold Man" cos...- Why?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER
0:17:25 > 0:17:30According to BBC News, Datta Phuge is obsessed by precious metal.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Or a high-profile sexual offender.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:41 > 0:17:42So...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46We mentioned One Direction earlier, didn't we?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50In other music news, how has singer Justin Bieber caused offence?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Anne Frank's...he visited Anne Frank's house
0:17:52 > 0:17:55and was surprised that she wasn't there.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Em...and then wrote in the visitor's book that
0:17:58 > 0:18:01if she'd been alive at this point, she'd probably be a Belieber.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- That's what he calls his followers, I think.- That's right.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06But I have been round Anne Frank's house and I walked around it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09At no point did I think, "You know what this place lacks?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11"A Justin Bieber poster."
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It hasn't been a great couple of months for Bieber.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16His pet monkey was stuck in quarantine in Germany and when
0:18:16 > 0:18:19he was due to perform at the O2 in London,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23he turned up two hours late, much to the anger of his fans.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28I'm totally and utterly disgusted. We're all fans and now we hate him.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:36This is Vince Cable's attack on the earnings of One Direction -
0:18:36 > 0:18:37that's the band One Direction,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41not to be confused with the government, no direction.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43According to the Guardian...
0:18:46 > 0:18:49..and once you deduct Simon Cowell's cut,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53they're still getting just above the minimum wage.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Meanwhile, Justin Bieber has been slated for suggesting
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Anne Frank would have been a Belieber.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01To be fair, she may well have been a fan of Bieber's music,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04although she'd have probably kept the volume down.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- And so to round two - the Picture Spin Quiz.- Whey.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Now, fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16BELL RINGS
0:19:16 > 0:19:21JOE: Eh, is this where a hotel is hiring out a fish for the evening?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I might still be dreaming.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Em, I believe you can hire a goldfish if you're...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Yeah, I might have made this up.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35What, if you're lonely?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- I think so.- Yeah.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39No, everyone... You're looking at me like I've just, um...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41What, haven't they got televisions?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44That's a good point, can I un-buzz?
0:19:44 > 0:19:49This is the news that lonely guests at a hotel in Cheshire
0:19:49 > 0:19:52can now rent a goldfish called Happy.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I think it's been going for a while. Imagine what that goldfish has seen.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:03It doesn't matter - he won't remember. Thank God.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06That's why it's the ideal pet for a hotel.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09GYLES: What's that over his shoulder? That could be...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- That could be a gun. - Yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Or even worse, it could be a frying pan hidden in his holdall.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19He is going up there to toss that goldfish.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Oh, well. It's the companionship for him.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You're right. It's an unfortunate use of phrase, I agree.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29But if you ask at reception, they know what you mean.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33How much does Happy cost?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37£10-a-night. That's an outrageous sum of money, isn't it? £5.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38I think it's going to be a fiver.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Indeed it is. £5-a-stay or he's free
0:20:40 > 0:20:43if you can throw a hoop round a skittle.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46What does Happy offer the guests?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49GYLES: Oh, please. JOE: The full package.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Synchronised swimming.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Which is easy to do if there's only one of you.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58He's a good listener.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"My wife doesn't understand me."
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Actually, you're sort of on the right track there.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07APPLAUSE
0:21:07 > 0:21:12According to Jeff Riley, who runs the Happy Guest Hotel Lodge...
0:21:19 > 0:21:24What should guests be wary of when hiring a goldfish companion?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Forming an intimate bond which they won't be able to break.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Being papped.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Yeah, Paul's actually right...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- We can't go there, but we will briefly...- I'm sure YOU will.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38..because...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Yeah, he takes guided tours.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Many years ago,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I served on a committee set up by the late Lord Longford.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- You may remember this, Ian.- Yes.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51He set up a committee to investigate pornography.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Indeed.- It wasn't just me and Lord Longford on this committee.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58In fact, it wasn't a committee at all.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- That...- It was a room. - That would have been a bit kinky.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05As well as, this is true, me and Lord Longford on the committee,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- there was a bishop, an archbishop, a rabbi...- Oh, not kinky at all!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13And, of course, there was Cliff Richard.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- Why "of course"?- Because it was that sort of committee.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20That sort of committee, all right.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I...genuinely, I still have the raincoat I bought at the time.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29This was 40 years ago, so probably none of you remember this, but I went with...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31He was then dubbed Lord Porn,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I went with him and members of this committee,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36we went to Copenhagen to reap the alien porn,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and we went to a club where we saw goldfish
0:22:39 > 0:22:41in bowls exactly like this.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44That's where they started the evening,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47all I will say to you is that is not where they ended it.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Lovely. Um...
0:22:50 > 0:22:55So, yeah, Paul touched upon this, um, earlier on.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Jeff, the hotel owner, is worried that guests could get over-attached
0:23:00 > 0:23:01and...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Is it just me or is Jeff confusing goldfish with prostitutes?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Paying £5 for a goldfish is a slightly strange thing to do when
0:23:16 > 0:23:18you're staying in a hotel but don't worry,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20to spare you any embarrassment at reception it comes up
0:23:20 > 0:23:23on your bill under the term... Unnhh!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- That's the joke!- That's it.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30That needed the punch line.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Unnnhh!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33That's it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37That's going to get a bigger laugh than the actual thing.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40That's not going to fool anyone, is it?
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Unnnh!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Paying £5 for a goldfish is a slightly strange thing to do
0:23:44 > 0:23:47when you're staying in a hotel but don't worry,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49to spare you any embarrassment at reception,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51it comes up on your bill under the generic term,
0:23:51 > 0:23:52porn.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Or...unnnnhhh!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Unnh!
0:24:02 > 0:24:03The fish is called Happy,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05unless you get hungry in the middle of the night,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07in which case it's called sushi.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17BUZZER
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- It's Eric Pickles. - I thought it was a boiled egg.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Pickled egg.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28They're changing the planning laws and people are very unhappy
0:24:28 > 0:24:30about it, or some people are.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It's to sort of try and encourage the building industry
0:24:32 > 0:24:35but you'd no longer have to... Is it about the planning laws?
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Indeed it is.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39There's a giant conservatory in the background, you see that?
0:24:39 > 0:24:40No, that's his fridge.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER
0:24:43 > 0:24:46So, yeah, you can build up to 25 foot or something.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47You don't need planning permission any more.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50That's right. It's the news that Eric Pickles has to work out...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53what to change about this home extension legislation
0:24:53 > 0:24:56to get it through the Commons. What was the initial plan?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59They would do away with the red tape. You could just extend your
0:24:59 > 0:25:01conservatory. It could be as big as you like,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and this would energise the building market.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07This is one of those typical Coalition not-thought-through bills.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09And someone said, "What about your neighbours?
0:25:09 > 0:25:13"What if they don't want the whole of the garden as a conservatory?"
0:25:13 > 0:25:17And they went, "Oh, we didn't think about that."
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I know him quite well because we became members of Parliament
0:25:20 > 0:25:23on the same day but the public liked him.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:27So he's still there, whereas I'm not.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28That's a shame.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Did the public throw you out or did you go of your own accord?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33No, I'm afraid the public spoke and, in my case,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35in no uncertain terms.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38And I was tempted to go back but my wife said to me,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"Listen to the people, they have spoken, they don't like you."
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I've taken it on the chin. Of course, he has more to take it on...
0:25:45 > 0:25:48LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Didn't happen to him.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Who would like to see Bob Ford, Mayor of Toronto,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55and an Eric Pickles lookalike walking down a corridor?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Yes, please.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59There's people that are for it and people that are against it,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01that's why we're having it. Excuse me, guys.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05BLEEP
0:26:08 > 0:26:11In other terrible planning news, how did one resident in China
0:26:11 > 0:26:14ensure he had hot water throughout the winter?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Bought a kettle.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19How I do it.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Well, he's the only resident in his block of flats
0:26:23 > 0:26:25still fighting a proposed demolition.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33So, Mr Hsu...
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Let's see how successful that plan was.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:45What a nutter.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48On the subject of plumbing nightmares,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50who can spot what's gone wrong here?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54And here?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59And here?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05And here? There you go.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I have that problem with every toilet door.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Let's see the next one.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19And finally, here.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24It's actually quite clever though, isn't it?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Somebody's thinking.- Improvised. - Yeah, absolutely.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30This is the rejection of Eric Pickles' plans to double the size
0:27:30 > 0:27:32of home extensions.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33According to The Mirror...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Well, so long as it's an even number,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41they're still heading in the right direction.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Right, fingers on the buzzers, teams.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49BUZZER
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I think you've put John Sweeney,
0:27:52 > 0:27:56the BBC Panorama reporter round the back of some LSE students.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Sweeney went undercover to North Korea with some students
0:28:00 > 0:28:04in order to film how dangerous and mad North Korea is,
0:28:04 > 0:28:09and then when he came back it wasn't clear whether the students knew
0:28:09 > 0:28:11that there was a BBC crew going in undercover,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14so there was a big row about whether people were properly informed,
0:28:14 > 0:28:15whether they should have gone in or not.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18They were told he was a history professor, weren't they?
0:28:18 > 0:28:21My favourite quote was one of the students said,
0:28:21 > 0:28:25"Yeah, I did wonder why they were filming him the whole time."
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Why he kept saying, "Tonight on Panorama."
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Yes, it's right. They felt that nobody warned them of the risks
0:28:37 > 0:28:40of travelling to North Korea with an undercover journalist.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Thankfully though, John Sweeney is ever the professional journalist,
0:28:44 > 0:28:48not likely to blow his cover and always good at keeping his cool.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Here he is on a previous assignment.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54- You didn't do that.- No, hold on a second. No, no, no! Stop there.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56No, I'm not stopping there! You listen to me for a second.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59You're accusing members of my religion in engaging in brainwash...
0:28:59 > 0:29:03No, Tommy! You're not listening to me!
0:29:03 > 0:29:06VOICE CRACKS IN RAGE: You were not there at the beginning
0:29:06 > 0:29:08of that interview!
0:29:08 > 0:29:10You! Were! Not! There!
0:29:10 > 0:29:16You did not hear or record all the interview!
0:29:16 > 0:29:20- SOFTER: Do you understand? - Brainwashing is a crime... - Do you understand?- ..against human...
0:29:20 > 0:29:23That's him trying to get through passport control.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27I think he's more dangerous than North Korea, to be honest.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31This is the LSE's outrage that their students were used for cover
0:29:31 > 0:29:34by Panorama during a trip to North Korea.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37In fact, this is just the sort of thing that the BBC should be doing -
0:29:37 > 0:29:40investigating a regime whose cult of personality
0:29:40 > 0:29:42promotes a dangerous weirdo
0:29:42 > 0:29:45but sadly, the Newsnight of Jimmy Savile was shelved.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50Conditions for students in North Korea are tougher than for those
0:29:50 > 0:29:54in the UK, as Pyongyang TV doesn't broadcast Neighbours.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Though thanks to Kim Jong Un,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59they do now have their very own version of Countdown.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Life in the North is without doubt a lot starker, more terrifying
0:30:06 > 0:30:08and technologically backward than in the South.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12But still the BBC insist the move to Salford is working.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Time, now, for the Odd One Out round - one between you this week.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Warwick Davis, a pair of mating toma... Oh.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Tortoise... Do I just carry on?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25It's ridiculous.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Mating tomatoes is what I nearly said.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Time, now, for the Odd One Out round - one between you this week.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Warwick Davis, a pair of mating tortoises,
0:30:39 > 0:30:41a potato and Brian Blessed.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45BUZZER
0:30:45 > 0:30:47They've all hosted this show...
0:30:50 > 0:30:52..apart from the potato.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55They've all had sex with that tortoise in the top right.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Hang on a minute.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Oh, sorry, not the potato.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Is there a type of potato called the Warwick?
0:31:05 > 0:31:08- I don't believe so.- GYLES: Not yet.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11- The ultimate compliment. - There can't be a potato
0:31:11 > 0:31:14called Two Tortoises Mounting, surely.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16How can that be a potato?
0:31:17 > 0:31:18Ridiculous.
0:31:18 > 0:31:25Ooh. Yes. You could eat them all but only one if you're a vegetarian.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27LAUGHTER
0:31:29 > 0:31:31Think of Brian's voice.
0:31:31 > 0:31:32Boom! Boom!
0:31:32 > 0:31:35That's Basil Brush you're thinking of there.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37- Give us a clue. - What have I done?
0:31:37 > 0:31:39You're in Star Wars.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- Oh, you've all been in sci-fi. - You've all been in Star Wars.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Brian's been in...the other one...
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- Flash Gordon.- Flash Gordon.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49The odd one out is obviously...
0:31:49 > 0:31:51the potato.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54- No.- The odd one out's Brian Blessed cos he was in Flash Gordon,
0:31:54 > 0:31:55- not Star Wars.- That's the point.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58I don't know if that's the right answer. Is that the right answer?
0:31:58 > 0:32:01You're wrong. You're all wrong.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03- It's the tortoises.- Yeah.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06The one in front is blind and the one
0:32:06 > 0:32:08behind is pushing him all the way to...
0:32:08 > 0:32:10LAUGHTER
0:32:12 > 0:32:16They have all appeared in Star Wars, apart from the mating pair
0:32:16 > 0:32:18- of tortoises who were in Jurassic Park.- Oh.
0:32:18 > 0:32:22Anyone know what part they played in Jurassic Park?
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Did they provide the catering?
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Did they play Jeff Goldblum?
0:32:27 > 0:32:31The screams of the velociraptors in the film Jurassic Park were made
0:32:31 > 0:32:33- by a pair of mating tortoises... - Caw.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36..as revealed this week by sound engineer Gary Rydstrom,
0:32:36 > 0:32:38who told an interviewer...
0:32:44 > 0:32:47So here is the sound of the tortoises having sex.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49GROANING
0:32:49 > 0:32:51LAUGHTER
0:32:51 > 0:32:52GROANING
0:32:54 > 0:32:55GROANING
0:32:57 > 0:32:58GROANING
0:32:59 > 0:33:01Sounds more like a goldfish to me.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04LAUGHTER
0:33:04 > 0:33:06So the other one was me, of course.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10I was in Star Wars, not just one film but two.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12Um...
0:33:12 > 0:33:13Sound excited!
0:33:13 > 0:33:15LAUGHTER
0:33:15 > 0:33:18- Do you know, in America they'd have given that a prolonged round of applause?- Yeah.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21- A woop-woo and everything.- Yes, how nice, that is a nice and lovely...
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Don't do it now, it's just sarcastic.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28Brian Blessed provided the voice of Boss Nass in
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Star Wars Episode One - The Phantom Menace.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Did he rule over a tribe of hard-of-hearing people?
0:33:36 > 0:33:39The special effects company behind Star Wars, Industrial Light And Magic,
0:33:39 > 0:33:43managed to sneak a potato into a sequence of The Empire Strikes Back.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47According to effects virtuoso Ken Ralston, who was behind the stunt...
0:33:55 > 0:33:59And Ken of course later found fame as head chef at Findus.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Can anyone tell me what the link might be
0:34:04 > 0:34:07between milk and Stormtroopers?
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Colour.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12That's pretty good but it's not right.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15- It's not some bad-taste Mrs Thatcher reference, I hope.- No.
0:34:15 > 0:34:16Good.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20OK, um, Michael Leader,
0:34:20 > 0:34:23the man who played the milkman in EastEnders for 16 years
0:34:23 > 0:34:25also played a Stormtrooper
0:34:25 > 0:34:29who, in what is described as the film's most famous outtake...
0:34:31 > 0:34:33How unprofessional.
0:34:33 > 0:34:34You'd never catch me doing that.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38They've all appeared in Star Wars,
0:34:38 > 0:34:41apart from a pair of mating tortoises
0:34:41 > 0:34:42who appeared in Jurassic Park.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45My character in Star Wars was an Ewok called...
0:34:47 > 0:34:52If you want to know more, go to his website - www.www.com.
0:34:54 > 0:34:59George Lucas picked me out for the part of Wicket, the leading Ewok in Return Of The Jedi.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02I've also had the honour of playing Yoda, the wise and powerful
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Jedi Master. Though, not wise enough to predict...
0:35:04 > 0:35:08- IMITATES YODA:- In Vodafone ads, selling out I will be.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Time now for the Missing Words round.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16This week's guest publication is the ESB Newsletter, bringing you news
0:35:16 > 0:35:19from the Earthworm Society in Britain.
0:35:19 > 0:35:25Unfortunately, even if you tear the newsletter in half, it still keeps going.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27And we start with -
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Men who are too handsome ordered to what?
0:35:29 > 0:35:31JOE: Grow beards.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35APPLAUSE
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Take a fish home.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41We don't know.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43Leave Saudi Arabia.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47According to The Telegraph, the unwelcome visitors to Saudi Arabia
0:35:47 > 0:35:49were approached by the religious police,
0:35:49 > 0:35:54with their traditional line of, "Allah, Allah, Allah, what's all this then?"
0:35:56 > 0:35:59APPLAUSE
0:35:59 > 0:36:03Next, small brown-nosed worm is what?
0:36:03 > 0:36:04Bit of a looker.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Is alternative to goldfish at the
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Happy Guest House, Cheshire.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Is promoted above his contemporaries.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22The answer is, it's cosmopolitan.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28According to the ESB Newsletter, it's been described by scientists as
0:36:28 > 0:36:30"a cosmopolitan worm"
0:36:30 > 0:36:33as it's found on both sides of the Atlantic.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37And because it loves reading about beauty, fashion and sex.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Next, Ed Miliband has what?
0:36:41 > 0:36:42LAUGHTER
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Nice worm.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48Caravan in Newport.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Has broken wrist.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53- That's right.- Oh, well done! - Is exactly right.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57I knew there was something interesting about him.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00He broke his wrist on holiday in Devon...
0:37:00 > 0:37:01That's the line he's taking, anyway.
0:37:01 > 0:37:07At first he thought the pain in his wrist was because he'd been too vigorous
0:37:07 > 0:37:09when waving his brother goodbye.
0:37:11 > 0:37:12Next...
0:37:14 > 0:37:16GYLES: "Goldfish heavily disguised."
0:37:16 > 0:37:19It's this pheasant that's aggressive, he's attacking people,
0:37:19 > 0:37:21isn't he? I saw the photograph.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Oh! "Phil the pheasant is shot."
0:37:23 > 0:37:26- Shot?- Well, that's what they do to pheasants.- Some of them.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30- Is plucked.- Plucked? - Oh, "Phil the pheasant..."
0:37:30 > 0:37:32And say it quickly if you would - "Phil the pheasant is plucked."
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Go on.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35Five times. I challenge you.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Let's have some fun.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41This is Have I Got News For You, if you want fun, go somewhere else!
0:37:42 > 0:37:45Gyles, you should get this from what Paul's said about him being...
0:37:45 > 0:37:48- not very nice.- Yeah. - Yeah, he's nasty.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50You're sort of good with words, apparently.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53- Oh, foul! Foul! Foul!- Is unpleasant.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55- Unpleasant?- Unpleasant it is!
0:37:58 > 0:38:01Next, woman used a quiche to what?
0:38:01 > 0:38:03JOE: Improve a salad.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10GYLES: Lure Boris down a back alley.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14I think we'll... Let's move on before
0:38:14 > 0:38:17we start examining all the meanings of that sentence.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22- The answer is, assault a police officer.- Ah!
0:38:22 > 0:38:24And finally, what has
0:38:24 > 0:38:26a brain, five hearts and breathes
0:38:26 > 0:38:27through its skin?
0:38:27 > 0:38:29JOE: The Labour back bench.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33It's a type of worm. It is, yeah.
0:38:33 > 0:38:34It's a superworm!
0:38:34 > 0:38:36- Superworm?- Superworm!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Has a brain! Five hearts!
0:38:39 > 0:38:40And breathes through its skin.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42You could do the voice.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48Obviously, only if Brian Blessed isn't available.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51If you were on a railway carriage that was
0:38:51 > 0:38:53hanging off the edge of a cliff,
0:38:53 > 0:38:55and you called for a superhero, and Superworm turned up...
0:38:55 > 0:38:59Yaay! Oh, my god, I'm going to see this movie!
0:38:59 > 0:39:01I'd like to be in this movie.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03- Are you all right?- No.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05LAUGHTER
0:39:05 > 0:39:07APPLAUSE
0:39:08 > 0:39:10The truth is, I'm on drugs.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14So, yes, it's the earthworm.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Indeed it is an earthworm.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17The article also tells us
0:39:17 > 0:39:19that earthworms produce their own
0:39:19 > 0:39:20weight in casts.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23In case you're wondering, the cast of an earthworm is,
0:39:23 > 0:39:26much like the cast of Hollyoaks, shit.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29So, the final scores...
0:39:30 > 0:39:33- ..are...- Well, that's one production you won't be in!
0:39:34 > 0:39:38..Joe and Ian have six points, while Gyles and Paul have seven.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40APPLAUSE
0:39:50 > 0:39:53But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Ian and Joe have this...
0:39:55 > 0:39:59JOE: Contestants shake hands before fighting to the death.
0:40:00 > 0:40:01You come far?
0:40:03 > 0:40:05JOE: Why the long PAWS?
0:40:07 > 0:40:09GYLES: Would you send it up to suite 17?
0:40:09 > 0:40:10The goldfish has died.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16And here's one for Paul and Gyles...
0:40:16 > 0:40:19GYLES: Ohh! Oh, look. Do you know, let's not.
0:40:19 > 0:40:23- Let's just sit back and enjoy this picture.- Yeah, exactly.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25GYLES: I mean, come on.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28Let's actually turn the corner in this show in the last moments.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Let's actually just let the country celebrate spring.
0:40:31 > 0:40:36Let's not ruin it with any protest, just love it.
0:40:36 > 0:40:40JOE: What about "Mouse celebrates spring by tickling bum with pollen"?
0:40:40 > 0:40:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:51 > 0:40:55On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:40:55 > 0:40:57and Joe Wilkinson, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00And I leave you with news that John Kerry
0:41:00 > 0:41:03and William Hague can hardly contain their excitement at meeting me.
0:41:08 > 0:41:09At a factory in Enfield,
0:41:09 > 0:41:12a man models the world's most pointless hairnet.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19And as Piers Morgan's success in the States continues to grow,
0:41:19 > 0:41:22he moves his production company into a new office.
0:41:28 > 0:41:29Goodnight.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd