0:00:30 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42In the news this week...
0:00:42 > 0:00:46While Miley Cyrus is out at the VMA Awards, her dog is back at home
0:00:46 > 0:00:49watching her performance on TV
0:00:56 > 0:00:58In Farnborough, the MOD proudly unveils
0:00:58 > 0:01:02the ?60 billion replacement for the Harrier Jump Jet.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And as officers from Operation Yewtree move in to arrest
0:01:09 > 0:01:11one of the stars of Play School,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13he makes a desperate, last-minute bid for freedom.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26On Ian's team tonight is the presenter on Channel 4 News
0:01:26 > 0:01:29who claims that she reads every national newspaper every day.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32As does Ian! So you can see how useful that is for THIS show.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Please welcome Cathy Newman.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:45And with Paul tonight is a writer and presenter who is currently
0:01:45 > 0:01:49hosting a show on BT Sport, although we only have his word for that
0:01:49 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER Please welcome Danny Baker.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Thank you.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:02And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Paul and Danny, have a look at this.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Ah, yes, obviously, Conservative Party Conference. There's the
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Prime Minister and his lovely wife. And there's...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Osborne trying to get blood from a stone. Yeah. There's, uh, ooh...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17What's his face doing? I don't know. It's very odd, isn't it?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Ah, look, I believe Mia Farrow says, it's your son. Yes.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25So this is the Conservatives have been having their conference
0:02:25 > 0:02:27and Boris has been speaking I think. Yes.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Osborne made a major announcement at the Tory Party conference.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34About his haircut? Did... Did he? Well he had a comb-over. Yes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35He's ending the recession, isn't he?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Do you remember? He's literally combing-over the recession?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Hiding the recession. It's still there, but he's hiding it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43No, that's not the announcement I meant.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER Is this the return of the workhouse?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49That's the announcement I meant Yes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51It's part of the buy your house except you don't know
0:02:51 > 0:02:54if it's going to be a big one where you make rope.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I think they have to go to the Jobcentre every day to
0:02:58 > 0:03:01register the fact that they're still unemployed? Yes. Precisely.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03He said the jobless are to be required to
0:03:03 > 0:03:07work for their benefits by, for example, picking up litter.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Here's how it went down in the hall.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13It used to be a lot more entertaining -
0:03:13 > 0:03:16and I'm not suggesting they should do a Strictly Tory Party conference.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18They used to tell jokes and sing songs. They did.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21People who couldn't tell jokes would do, it was extraordinary.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23My dad used to say, "Ooh, it was a lot of fun." Like the X Factor.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25The best acts have been stolen.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Anne Widdecombe went to Strictly. I know. You know, got poached.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32The idea of Anne Widdecombe being poached is one
0:03:32 > 0:03:33I can't quite get out of my head.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Think of the size of the pan you'd need. Exactly.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Do you think Boris Johnson really was loyal?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Yes, he just did one joke about whether it is possible to be Mayor
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and Prime Minister at the same time
0:03:47 > 0:03:49and got a big laugh and said, "Joke. Joke."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Which is what people always say when they mean it.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Do you know what he said about UKIP?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58He said, "UKIP..." ..if you want to. Yeah, that was the joke, wasn't it?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I'm not for kipping. I'm not for kipping!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02He said, "UKIP if you want to.. "
0:04:09 > 0:04:11But that wasn't kipping, that was chillaxing,
0:04:11 > 0:04:12and there is a difference. Apparently.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Yes, but unfortunately, the party isn't called Uchillax.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19The conference then degenerated into
0:04:19 > 0:04:21can you answer questions about groceries?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Someone else got the milk question. Boris did. That's it.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26And Cameron was asked how much a loaf was. Four guineas!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31He said, I have a bread-maker.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34As we all do - it's Albert in the village.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38How much is a bottle of milk? Well, I have a cow.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I have a cow and she goes down to the village and buys the milk.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Yeah, but, how much is a loaf of bread, Paul?
0:04:47 > 0:04:5065p. Everything is 65p.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Always has been and always will be.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Bread, houses, Shropshire, it's all 65p.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57And Boris didn't know the answer to anything.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59He said, "I know how much a bottle of champagne is."
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I'd rather that than some weaselly little journalist
0:05:03 > 0:05:06saying he doesn't know how much bread is. "How much is it, mate?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"How much do you put it down for on your expenses?"
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Well, Boris did that, he asked Jeremy Paxman how much a loaf was
0:05:11 > 0:05:13and Paxman said, "Well, I can't possibly answer that."
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Panic, panic.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Yes, Boris had a bit of a Newsnight knock-about with Paxman.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22They were discussing Boris' rumoured return to the Commons initially
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I think this is a now super-masticated subject.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30And what... Well, masticate a little more.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Spit it out. What I would rather do. Spit it out.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37That's public school, isn't it?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40One person masticates it and the other person spits it out. Oh!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I mean, I thought he missed the killer question, for Paxman is
0:05:44 > 0:05:46how much does a razor cost?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51You had a beard for a bit, didn t you? I remember that you said,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53"Do I look like a submarine captain?"
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What made you shave it off?
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Blackmail.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03That's an excellent... It's an intriguing answer, isn't it?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Going back to Osborne, he made his announcement
0:06:06 > 0:06:09that you weren't going to get benefits without doing work
0:06:09 > 0:06:12but he said also if they're not doing community service,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14jobless people will have to turn up at Jobcentres.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Do you know how long for?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17All day. 9 to 5.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Yes. Really? For 35 hours a week.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23That's ten minutes a day to check the vacancies
0:06:23 > 0:06:26and 34 hours, 10 minutes of Angry Birds.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Also, there's a slight...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Obviously, I'm not taking sides here because I come from a culture
0:06:32 > 0:06:35that is quite resilient when it comes to signing on.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Most people... I did it myself for two years, but during...
0:06:38 > 0:06:40You used to be able to go to, as they called it,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43the labour exchange and I know culture has changed
0:06:43 > 0:06:46but there were window-cleaning vans outside and minicabs
0:06:46 > 0:06:49and people going, "Hurry up, love, I've got a fare at 8:30."
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Now, it's all been stigmatised,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52everyone's "spongers" and all of this.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Never mind over in the City and all that.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57But people earning a few quid the other way, these days
0:06:57 > 0:06:59they want to make out that, you know,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02it's the worst possible sin of all. And I say good luck to anyone
0:07:02 > 0:07:04if they run their cab down, sign on, get a few more quid
0:07:04 > 0:07:05and go home again.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Because making them sit there from 9 to 5 that's just...
0:07:09 > 0:07:13that's pushing them around. That was a party political broadcast. I know.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16On behalf of the Slightly-Dodgy-But-Quite-Nice Party.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19A bit of embezzlement just shows gumption. Embezzlement?!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22When I used to work at an employment office,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24some people didn't really think it through.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26You'd get painters and decorators,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28in their overalls, covered in wet paint.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I know, exactly. "I've not had a job for six weeks."
0:07:32 > 0:07:34The Tories are trying to out-Thatcher Thatcher
0:07:34 > 0:07:36but David Cameron obviously thought,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"Oh, we're going to be called the nasty party again."
0:07:38 > 0:07:40So he slipped in this thing about social workers
0:07:40 > 0:07:42and how great social workers were.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44He got the whole Tory conference applauding.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46He said, "Can we have a round of applause
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"for those hard-working people, the social workers."
0:07:48 > 0:07:50A lot of people going, "Who are they?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Exactly.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53"Social workers?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"Those are the wonderful people who organise parties?" Yes.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Karren Brady, off of The Apprentice, was at the Tory Party conference.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Erm, what was she wearing? I mean, what was she there for? Oh, yeah.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I can tell you what she was wearing.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09OK, you can say.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11It was one of those body-whatsit illusion dresses
0:08:11 > 0:08:13that makes you look half the size you are
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Yes, a bodycon dress. Is that it? Yeah. Yes. I've never heard of that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Is it good? Really good. Yeah. Try one next time.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I will, yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Not that I'm saying you need to No. Not saying I want to.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25But I will.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31We can have a look at Karren Brady's bodycon dress.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34If you believed the bodycon there,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36you'd just call an ambulance, wouldn't you? Yes.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Brady was there to introduce George Osborne,
0:08:40 > 0:08:41do you know how she did that?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43George Osborne.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Bill Clinton did Tony Blair once. Really?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I mean, introduced him.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Get your wife to do it now. That's the other thing at the conference.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57I think after, after Justine's performance in the Ed Miliband show,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00no wife is going to do it again, are they? Anyone see that?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03She was told to kiss him though. Oh, and she has to do it?!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Not even prostitutes have to kiss!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12APPLAUSE
0:09:12 > 0:09:15And there was also a spectre at the feast at the Tory conference.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Do you know who that was?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Ah, Nigel Farage.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Yes. I suppose the ghost of Margaret Thatcher was probably there.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Because she was invoked, wasn't she?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Was she? They did a seance?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Anyway, he turned up, didn't he
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Yes, he turned up in Manchester to address a lunatic fringe -
0:09:31 > 0:09:35sorry, Freudian slip - a fringe meeting. Um, here he is arriving.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Do you expect a warm welcome at the Tory conference?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38No.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Um, that's the spirit, Nige. Shall we, er,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44have a look at a picture of Farage
0:09:44 > 0:09:46on the front page of The Times this week?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Oh, yeah.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56It's Hitler combined with a one-sided Fu Manchu. So...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58it shows he's multicultural.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Meanwhile, David Cameron gave an interview to The Sun on Monday
0:10:01 > 0:10:05this week. He said that he can do the dance to Gangnam Style.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Urgh!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Erm, a surprising number of people can do that, can't they, Cathy
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Oh, God.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12# Gangnam style What about C4 style?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15# Gangnam style Whop, whop
0:10:15 > 0:10:19# C4 style Whop, whop, whop, whop, whop
0:10:21 > 0:10:23# Gangnam style C4 style
0:10:23 > 0:10:25# Whop, whop, whop, whop Gangnam style
0:10:25 > 0:10:29# Waaay, sexy newsroom... #
0:10:30 > 0:10:35APPLAUSE Oh, God!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Could we ask the question why?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44It was... It was showing that a woman can dance in high heels
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and not be inhibited. Exactly. DANNY: Yeah. And that was news?!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51But at least I wasn't twerking. No, you weren't twerking.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52It could've been much worse.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Oh, hang on, that's your editor on the phone...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58This is the Tory Party conference held in Manchester.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01An eye-catching policy announced this week is that people
0:11:01 > 0:11:04claiming unemployment benefit will be made to pick up litter.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05This could put the people
0:11:05 > 0:11:08who are currently paid to pick up litter out of a job
0:11:08 > 0:11:11but the good news is, they will then be forced to do it for free.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14George Osborne revealed during the conference:
0:11:18 > 0:11:19God, even THEY hate him!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Ian and Cathy, take a look at this.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27It's Ed Miliband trying not to listen to an Ed Balls speech?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Oh, look, there's someone spying on him from The Mail.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32And that's Karl Marx's grave.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35This is the Labour conference which was equally thrilling.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Stirred the Tories up. It did. They were very worried about it
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And they had Damian McBride's book, which was very entertaining.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I'm sure you all read it. Apparently Blair and Brown heated each other.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Really(?)
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Yeah, no, it was one of those shock horror books that we all got very
0:11:53 > 0:11:54over-excited about.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57But, unfortunately for Miliband he was one of the gang.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00So it was him and Balls and McBride
0:12:00 > 0:12:02who were all working for Gordon Brown,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04who doesn't come out well.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Yes, this was Damian McBride was hoping to upstage the conference.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Did you see him being introduced on Newsnight?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Damian McBride,
0:12:12 > 0:12:16McPoison as he's known to his many enemies, or McPrick-Face
0:12:16 > 0:12:20as he was referred to in a recent cache of Downing Street e-mails
0:12:24 > 0:12:27He's so used to being called McPrick-Face.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30He also caused a fight, didn't he?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Um, because he was doing an interview.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Yes, during the Labour conference in Brighton,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37an interview with Damian McBride didn't go entirely to plan.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I mean, I think if...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42DOG GROWLS
0:12:42 > 0:12:44..I've said worse things about myself in the book...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47DOG GROWLS
0:12:47 > 0:12:49INTERVIEW BLURRED BY BARKS AND GROWLS
0:12:55 > 0:12:58APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:04That's Iain Dale who's... Who is the publisher of the book!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07So what he was... That man's a long-term protester
0:13:07 > 0:13:11who likes to get himself into news stories. The publisher of this book,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13who hadn't been invited to the conference, was trying
0:13:13 > 0:13:18to get his book into a news story, started pushing the other man out.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20They were both shamelessly trying to hijack the conference
0:13:20 > 0:13:22so they ended up beating each other up.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26The dog seemed to be biting the arse of its owner, though.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Dogs are extremely fickle.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30He could see where the power shift was going.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35What's been the other big story about Miliband this week?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Well this upstaged the Tory conference. Yes.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41The Daily Mail managed to not merely shoot its own foot off
0:13:41 > 0:13:44but sort of blow it off with a mortar.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47They had a go at Miliband's father.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51They ran a piece saying this is the man who hated Britain.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55On the evidence of one entry in a diary when he was 16,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57when he'd just arrived as a refugee in this country.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Before he fought for the country in the world war. Yeah.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04So it was the most pathetic piece.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Did they accuse the father of being a committed Marxist?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11What is the point of being an uncommitted Marxist?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Even if we suppose and make the leap of faith that,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16you know, his old man did hate Britain -
0:14:16 > 0:14:19my dad hated David Bowie, I think Hunky Dory's a masterpiece -
0:14:19 > 0:14:21it doesn't work like that.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Apparently they've played the national anthem outside the grave
0:14:24 > 0:14:26and the corpse hasn't stood up and saluted
0:14:26 > 0:14:28so therefore, you know, that's all the proof they need.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31What I think will be embarrassing, the editor of the Mail,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33the Mail is owned by the Rothermere family. Yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37And once you start saying, you know, "What did your dad do?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:39The current Lord Rothermere's father loved Britain so much
0:14:39 > 0:14:42he went to live in France as a tax exile.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Erm, he then passed on that non dom status to his son who doesn't
0:14:46 > 0:14:50actually pay the normal amount of tax, despite owning a newspaper
0:14:50 > 0:14:52that's owned through various companies in Bermuda.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Erm, so, once you start doing, "I'm looking at your family,"
0:14:56 > 0:14:59it gets embarrassing. And I think the Rothermere family,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02if you want to go further back we get to the great-grandfather who,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05let's join in together, ran the headline -
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"Hurrah for the Blackshirts".
0:15:08 > 0:15:10But the Daily Mail went on to publish
0:15:10 > 0:15:12a full-page apology for that, didn't they?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14What? For the Blackshirts? Yeah. Yeah.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16No, they didn't.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Once you start throwing this stuff around it gets embarrassing.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I think, you know, they will find that their editor
0:15:23 > 0:15:25is now a major embarrassment. Yeah, gone toxic.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28The figures they kept saying when he was on Newsnight,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31the fella they actually did put on Newsnight to be the fall guy,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34he said, "Oh, well if you're going to go back 80 years,"
0:15:34 > 0:15:36as opposed to the 75 years
0:15:36 > 0:15:39you're going back for Ed Miliband... When he was 17.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41There's a 75 year cut-off point, that's how journalism works.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I mean, I thought
0:15:43 > 0:15:46it was quite funny that Dacre's nickname at the Mail is Mugabe.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50He's very old, he won't retire and he hates the opposition.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53The ancestor,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55the first Viscount Rothermere of the current owner
0:15:55 > 0:15:57of the Daily Mail, do you know what
0:15:57 > 0:16:01he had to say about Britain's enemies, the Nazis, in 1933?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Open the borders.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05He said:
0:16:24 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:16:26 > 0:16:29What was the subsequent development in this story?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33They sent a journalist or two journalists along to
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Miliband's uncle's memorial service to get quotes off people.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Guys Hospital. Guys hospital. Did you know the deceased?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44What did you think about Ed Miliband's dad? I know!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Two rogue journalists working on their own initiative, a couple
0:16:47 > 0:16:50of bad apples, make the whole thing, making the whole paper look bad
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Not like the one who put up a photograph of his dad's
0:16:53 > 0:16:55gravestone, which was an error of judgment.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Did you see how the Daily Mali, which as you all know is...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Daily Mali?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02It's all about everything to do with Mali, apparently,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05they tweeted that they wanted to make clear they had absolutely nothing
0:17:05 > 0:17:08whatsoever to do with the Daily Mail!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Brilliant!
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Yes, the editor of the Mail On Sunday has apologised:
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Describing what they did as:
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It's important to note that he apologised on behalf
0:17:25 > 0:17:26of The Mail On Sunday.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29The editor of The Mail On Sunday is a man called Geordie Greig who is
0:17:29 > 0:17:32quite keen to get Paul Dacre's job.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Um, and has somewhat increased his chances this week
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Ed Miliband of course used his conference speech to position
0:17:38 > 0:17:41himself further to the left of politics, people say, but
0:17:41 > 0:17:45did you see how he appears to be growing his own Michael Goves?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49You can see sort of...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It's like a Gove farm.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55On the right, that's a sort of young beginner Gove and then slightly
0:17:55 > 0:17:56more mature further to the left
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And then the one on the left of the picture, that's nearly finished
0:18:02 > 0:18:05DANNY: Actually looks like the world's dullest boy band, don't it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08No Direction!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:19And finally, would anyone like to see the chat-up technique
0:18:19 > 0:18:23of Danny "fancy a brandy" Alexander? Oh, yeah.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26This conference has been so busy so many things to do.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31So I haven't been up, haven't been up late...relaxing in the bar.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35So, that's not a problem. That'll come on Wednesday maybe
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Maybe tonight. Maybe tonight? Good.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38How about you? Um...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Yes, this is the Labour Party Conference
0:18:44 > 0:18:47and the Daily Mail's character assassination of Marxist historian
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Ralph Miliband, who they described as:
0:18:51 > 0:18:54For legal reasons, we can't make any derogatory comments about
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre but apparently his dad's an arsehole.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Sorry, sorry, sorry, WAS an arsehole!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Education Secretary Michael Gove is one of the few people
0:19:05 > 0:19:06to defend the Daily Mail,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09saying that political commentators should always have:
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I couldn't agree more, you four-eyed reptilian toss pot.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:22And now it's time to play The Wheel Of News Or Not News.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26I'll spin the wheel and you have to identify the story and tell me
0:19:26 > 0:19:28if it's news or not news.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Cathy, all you have to think is, would we do this on Channel 4 News?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36And if the answer's yes, you'll know it could be either
0:19:36 > 0:19:39So, let's spin the wheel.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42DRUM ROLL
0:19:43 > 0:19:45BUZZER
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Not news. It's, um... Well, what's the story?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49There isn't a story - it's not news.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56It's a policeman giving Iain Duncan Smith a head massage.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Clairvoyant police?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01It IS clairvoyant police.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02And it's...
0:20:04 > 0:20:07The police are going to be able to predict crimes before they happen.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Ah! They'll be like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, only taller.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15And do you have any idea how they're going to do this? No. No.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18You think I'm making it up? No, not making it up.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I think you're reading out something that somebody else has made up
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Well, according to pre-crime Commander Simon Letchford...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Pre-crime? Pre-crime.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Which has already identified the county of Midsomer.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Sounds absolutely ridiculous.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Someone has just...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43They put on the map where someone has just stolen something.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46By definition, there is now less to steal there,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49and so the chances of a burglary there MUST be reduced.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51It's all gone.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53OK, that makes some sense, yes, it does.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55No, it doesn't, it's just nonsense.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00This is the news of police plans to predict crimes before they happen.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Will it work? It already has -
0:21:02 > 0:21:05in two years' time. Enjoy that one on Dave during the riots.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09The technique of identifying
0:21:09 > 0:21:11and arresting potential criminals before they commit a crime
0:21:11 > 0:21:14is based on a method developed by the Metropolitan Police...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16known as institutional racism.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22APPLAUSE
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Give it another spin.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24DRUM ROLL
0:21:26 > 0:21:27BUZZER
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Yes, Bridget Jones' Diary is coming out - this is news or not news
0:21:30 > 0:21:33and the hero of the previous books is no longer with us.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36It started off in a Sunday newspaper who not
0:21:36 > 0:21:39coincidently had paid for the serialisation of the book.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41So the fact that they thought it was news maybe due
0:21:41 > 0:21:44to the fact that they paid a great deal of money for it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47And then it appears on this programme along with a stupid
0:21:47 > 0:21:49pre-crime report.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Who killed Mark Darcy? I expect you already know!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I've got an idea. If we got ourselves a gallon of petrol
0:21:56 > 0:21:59we could set fire to The Wheel Of News.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02You're right, this is not news
0:22:02 > 0:22:05This is the not news that an author has got a book out
0:22:05 > 0:22:08but that didn't stop it being a story on the BBC 10 O'clock News.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11On Channel 4 News you stuck to the big news...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12like this...
0:22:12 > 0:22:16I saw a man with a fan in the basket of his bicycle in Westminster today.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19That's a sign of the times. That's Channel 4 News.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23And the last spin.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24DRUM ROLL
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Ooh! It's a fictional character. Oh, no, no, no.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30America's gone bankrupt
0:22:30 > 0:22:33because its fictional character s been killed off?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36And it's all closed. Republicans and Democrats can't agree on the budget.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39And is that news or not news? DANNY: Oh, it's news.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41The Republicans can't agree with the fact that they lost. Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45They lost the election and they lost this vote repeatedly
0:22:45 > 0:22:48but the Tea Party, which is a sort of UKIP with guns, um...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55..have decided that basically they don't care.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Um, America, home of democracy,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59vote goes the wrong way, you refuse to accept it.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02So they've basically said, "No we're not going to agree."
0:23:02 > 0:23:05So they would literally rather America close down
0:23:05 > 0:23:08than a very, very minor and not very radical change
0:23:08 > 0:23:10is made to public health care.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11There are 800,000 federal workers
0:23:11 > 0:23:13who've been forced to take unpaid leave.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15According to the Guardian:
0:23:19 > 0:23:21An idea they got from BT.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28This is the news that America has closed until further notice.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31If your enquiry is urgent, please contact Canada.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Time now for the Odd One Out round. One between you this week.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Your four are...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40SpongeBob SquarePants, Sally Bercow,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Walter Tell and Carmen Miranda
0:23:43 > 0:23:46BUZZER Three!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48CATHY: Sally Bercow - fruitcake?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50No, she was caught. This... I'm sure I saw this on Channel 4 News.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52This was big.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55She was at one of the conferences balancing some
0:23:55 > 0:23:57item of fruit on her head in a bar.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Yes, that's correct.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Walter Tell, son of William, balanced an apple on his head
0:24:02 > 0:24:04and had it shot off by his father.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Carmen Miranda had a whole bowl of fruit on her head.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Fantastic and sang Yes, We Have No Bananas. SpongeBob SquarePants
0:24:12 > 0:24:13He's quite a guy.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Bob is the odd one out.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Is it because he... he's got a friend called Patrick.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22And he's the odd one out
0:24:22 > 0:24:24because nobody else knows anybody called Patrick.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Where does SpongeBob live?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28ALL: Under the sea.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Yes, but also, under...?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32A pineapple. Yes!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34APPLAUSE DANNY: Hello.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36How would you describe his voice, Ian?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Er, rough, manly.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Touch of Lord Hailsham.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Well, Tom Kenny the man behind the distinctive voice describes it as...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Which is also a starter at Heston Blumenthal's.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59And, um, can you name any of Carmen Miranda's hits? Yes.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02BOTH: # I, I, I, I like you very much. #
0:25:02 > 0:25:06# Down among Brazilians coffee beans go by the millions
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# And they got a lot of coffee there to sell
0:25:08 > 0:25:11# There's an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. #
0:25:11 > 0:25:13At last! The show's coming to life!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Carmen Miranda cracked America but her English wasn't great.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20She told one magazine:
0:25:24 > 0:25:27She went on to teach Nancy Dell Olio how to speak English.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Yes, they've all had fruit on their heads apart from
0:25:31 > 0:25:32SpongeBob SquarePants,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36who lives under a pineapple in a fun town under the sea.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Sort of like Blackpool will be once all the fracking starts.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42According to the Daily Mail,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45late one night at the Labour Party Conference, Sally Bercow...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49..tried to balance a pineapple on her head.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"I really regret this embarrassing incident
0:25:51 > 0:25:55"and I'm just grateful I wasn't caught on camera looking so stupid,"
0:25:55 > 0:25:56said the pineapple.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Time now for the Missing Words round and we start with:
0:26:03 > 0:26:05One of the rounds on Bake Off.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Do you think you could just add boiling water and he'll come back.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17The process reduces the body to powder and has been
0:26:17 > 0:26:18pioneered by a company called:
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Whose slogan proudly states,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"We're the people who put the gran into granules."
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Next:
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Pulls plug on political career as he admits that he's going to spend more
0:26:35 > 0:26:37time with his 16-year-old friends.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Spend more time in jail!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42CATHY: On attempt to topple the government.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Yes, quite right, news. News. Let's get back to news.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47You're absolutely right. It is
0:26:51 > 0:26:53As his political career draws to a close,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56the one thing Berlusconi is desperately hoping for is immunity.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Not just from prosecution,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00but also from every known sexually transmitted disease.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02And finally:
0:27:05 > 0:27:06DANNY: Eating yellow snow?
0:27:08 > 0:27:09No.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15GROANING
0:27:15 > 0:27:18This, erm... Is that a big problem in Iceland? Well, I imagine...
0:27:18 > 0:27:19There's not many of them there.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I imagine it's a smaller gene pool than in other countries.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It is dark a lot of the time, too.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29This is an app which tells you if your date is a relative.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32All you have to do is just press a button and Bob's your uncle.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34So...don't have sex with him!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:39So, the final scores are:
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Paul and Danny have six points
0:27:42 > 0:27:44but Ian and Cathy have seven.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Yeah! Yeah!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:54And I leave you with news that in a bid to combat accusations
0:27:54 > 0:27:58of ageism, the BBC re-employ Percy Thrower on Gardeners' World.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03At the studios of Sky TV,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06as the set is constructed for his new Politics Show, Adam Boulton
0:28:06 > 0:28:09is about to regret naming the programme Talk It Through.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18And...
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And following the split in the Church of England over
0:28:21 > 0:28:24same-sex marriage, the Synod meets to discuss an even more
0:28:24 > 0:28:25controversial proposal.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Good night.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:08 > 0:29:10So far, the Scottish referendum has focused on whether
0:29:10 > 0:29:13independence is good or bad for Scotland.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15But whether Scotland votes yes or no,
0:29:15 > 0:29:18what does it mean for the rest of the UK?
0:29:22 > 0:29:24With Andrew Neil.