0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Martin Clunes.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In the news this week - after receiving his knighthood
0:00:44 > 0:00:46in the morning then heading straight to the park to take his son
0:00:46 > 0:00:50for his very first bike ride, it's a proud day for Bradley Wiggins.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- PAUL:- Oh, here we go, here we go.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07At a football match in Southend
0:01:07 > 0:01:09there's joy for an Asian betting syndicate
0:01:09 > 0:01:12as the 1,000-1 event they predicted happens right on cue.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24And after the success of speedy boarding, easyJet pioneer
0:01:24 > 0:01:27new methods of getting people off the plane even quicker.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32# Everybody needs a Green Flag holiday... #
0:01:36 > 0:01:38On Ian's team tonight is a comedy writer and actress
0:01:38 > 0:01:40who has recently complained that
0:01:40 > 0:01:43"Every single element of a BBC programme is commented on
0:01:43 > 0:01:46"by six separate executives." And so, by a vote of four to two,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- please welcome Jennifer Saunders. - Thank you.
0:01:48 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57And with Paul tonight is one of Britain's best-loved actors
0:01:57 > 0:01:59who famously voiced The Wombles,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02just about the only children's favourite from television
0:02:02 > 0:02:05of the 1970s not to be implicated in Operation Yewtree.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Please welcome Bernard Cribbins. - Thank you very much.
0:02:08 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Paul and Bernard, take a look at this.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22OK, yes, this is the event in South Africa, heavily rained on,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24which I think is meant to be a sign of good luck.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26There's a man on his own.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29And there is a man that's flirting
0:02:29 > 0:02:32with somebody who his wife's not pleased with. And that's...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Oh, yes. This is the man who...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:40He's the interpreter who was trying to sign for deaf people
0:02:40 > 0:02:42and was just making it up completely.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Nobody had any idea what he was saying
0:02:45 > 0:02:49and his defence seems to be, "Well, the thing is I'm a schizophrenic."
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- I thought he was swatting flies most of the time.- Yeah.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55But he's offended everyone now. He's offended the schizophrenics.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58They said, "You're not schizophrenic, are you?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59"Cos you've done this before."
0:02:59 > 0:03:02People have complained before about this man.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03He said he heard voices in his head
0:03:03 > 0:03:06but he couldn't translate what they were saying.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08And he wasn't having any fun.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He was just sort of making it up, doing this, whatever,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and those speeches would have been great. You know, Mugabe's...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I mean, he could have had a real laugh.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23But it wasn't his first time.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27We've got a clip of him here in action in 2012.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29HE SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:03:42 > 0:03:44That made perfect sense to me.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I think he was just announcing the sale at Leatherland.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Again, and that's the South African President, Zuma.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53And there's only one gesture for him, which is...
0:03:55 > 0:03:59But the funny signing man wasn't the only sign of a lowering of tone
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- was it?- JENNIFER: The Barack Obama selfie
0:04:02 > 0:04:05with the Danish Prime Minister and...
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Cameron leaning in for an outrageous selfie.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- Big grins.- Big grins. Apart from the wife.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Michelle, yeah, she doesn't look happy there, does she?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Well, you'd think being, you know, leaders of the free world,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19they might have thought that there's some other cameras.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You don't need to take a picture of yourself at a funeral.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26There are about eight billion other people. You can get a copy.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28They'll probably send one.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Look - bunch of teenagers.- I know.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"Oh, look, there's a blonde prime minister!"
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Put it on Facebook.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36She's on Borgen!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41She's meant to be the most beautiful prime minster in the world.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Let me put my glasses on.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:45 > 0:04:48That can't be right!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Yeah, apparently so. And she's married to Neil Kinnock's son.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Justice!- Is that true?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- I haven't made this up. - No, it is true, yeah.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01It's a lot interesting than Borgen, I tell you.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"Hello, the Freedom party is having a coalition
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"with the Liberals, oh, no!"
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And a lot of people said there is no respect any more.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13This is Nelson Mandela's memorial service
0:05:13 > 0:05:17and you're just taking pictures of yourself like a bunch of teenagers.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I think Mrs Obama's got a cigar in her hand as well, hasn't she?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Is she smoking a cigar?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25JENIFER: Put your glasses on, Bernard. Put your glasses on.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Hang on a minute.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28She got it from Clinton.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Don't light it, love.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36What did she do about the whole sorry affair, Michelle Obama?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41She made the most powerful man in the world feel a little bit...
0:05:41 > 0:05:43bit glum.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46She shouted at him.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47When he got up to do his speech,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50she took his place next to the Danish Prime Minister.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55BERNARD: Oh, look!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58JENNIFER: Oh, look!
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- That's very good.- And Cameron's changed as well, hasn't he?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Does anybody know who else Obama cosied up to?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Yes, the Cuban Prime Minster - or President, rather.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- Castro.- Castro, yeah.- Castro.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It was a historic moment, or it should have been
0:06:15 > 0:06:18but he was a bit busy doing a selfie with the blonde.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- So the world didn't really notice. - It was an historic moment.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22This is how Sky covered it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Something to look forward to.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39So it was just more than a handshake at the end, wasn't it?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Naomi Campbell was there.- Yes.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Maybe hoping to pick up some blood diamonds.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Who was cheered to the rafters?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Mugabe.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54That wasn't who I meant but he did get a cheer, didn't he?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Tutu was cheered. Who else?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00It's Ban Ki-moon! We'll show the clip because it's a sort of
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Have I Got News For You Christmas tradition anyway.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06# I'm making a list
0:07:06 > 0:07:08# Checking it twice
0:07:08 > 0:07:11# Going to find out who's...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15# Going to find out who's...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17# Naughty or nice
0:07:18 > 0:07:23# Ban Ki-moon is coming to town. #
0:07:23 > 0:07:27APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Oh, Ban Ki-moon! It would be funny if he suddenly turned up
0:07:30 > 0:07:32on EastEnders as one of the Moons.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38Did you hear any of the tributes that our House of Commons played?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Yes, there was a whole day of them.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Could have been done fairly quickly and elegantly, rather than
0:07:42 > 0:07:45a whole day of people saying, "Yeah, I nearly met him."
0:07:45 > 0:07:46"My wife's friend met him."
0:07:46 > 0:07:49"And he influenced me - me, cos I'm really great..."
0:07:49 > 0:07:55Gordon Brown I think said he taught him courage. "Me, courage. Courage."
0:07:55 > 0:07:57It's a lot of people talking about
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- themselves under the cover of the dead person.- Yes.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01I went to a funeral once.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Someone was giving a eulogy and a man said,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"Is he going to mention the dead bloke at all?"
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Nick Clegg gave a very moving tribute. He said...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28What a lovely story.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Whilst these solemn tributes were going on,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36David Cameron nipped out to do something more important -
0:08:36 > 0:08:38have his picture taken with Ant and Dec.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44APPLAUSE
0:08:46 > 0:08:50So this is the memorial service for Nelson Mandela.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Veteran ANC leader Cyril Ramaphosa told the crowd...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Probably?!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Bloody hell. If he's having trouble...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Barack Obama was trembling with emotion as he made
0:09:05 > 0:09:08one of the most important speeches of his life.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"It is important to remember it was only a photo, Michelle,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"she means nothing to me."
0:09:14 > 0:09:16According to the Guardian...
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Early squabbling over the inheritance there.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Archbishop Tutu called for silence saying...
0:09:27 > 0:09:30A silence broken only by John Major muttering,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- HE IMITATES JOHN MAJOR:- Actually, you can only hear a pin land.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Ian and Jennifer, take a look at this.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Right.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Mm.- That's our world statesman.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Ooh, spooky. Like a waxwork.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Oh, there's his good side. There's his other good side.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Money.- Money.- Money, pay rise.
0:09:55 > 0:09:5711%, that's all I know about it.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00In order to avoid any further trouble,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Parliament set up an independent body
0:10:02 > 0:10:04that would come up with the pay rise.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Have they, have they? - Yeah.- Have they?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- They haven't avoided trouble, you see?- Oh.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Cos they've said 11% and the public has said,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"That's 11 times more than we're getting."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Then all the party leaders obviously are panicking.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18They're going, "We don't want this. How on Earth has this happened?"
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Course they want it. Everyone wants a pay rise,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23but they have to pretend they don't want it now, which is harder.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Yes, 11%, which is an extra £7,600 a year.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31But their defence is that if you don't give us this pay rise,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35we won't have enough money and we'll have to fiddle our expenses.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- It's a very good defence.- Yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38So you really must give us more money
0:10:38 > 0:10:41or we'll be incredibly greedy and dishonest.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Danny Alexander called it...
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Whilst according to the male Tory Charles Walker...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- The male Tory?- The male Tory?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Yes.- What other type is there?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I didn't see that cheeky little comma hiding in there.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58BERNARD: You've only got one, have you?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Whilst according to the Mail...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Tory Charles Walker...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Nice to hear them again.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13The MP for Broxbourne said...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Adding...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23No, it won't.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25HE MOUTHS
0:11:26 > 0:11:29The 11% rise for MPs will be funded from reductions elsewhere.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32They're going to clamp down on a few things.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Do we know?- Their pensions.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35- Their expenses.- Mm.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Each horse in the Household Cavalry will lose at least one leg.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42And tea and biscuits.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45This will save somewhere in the region of £1 billion.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53in a recent survey, asked MPs how much they think they should be paid.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Did you hear what that revealed? - A lot.- Quite interesting, actually.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Well, Labour were nearest. They said that members should be paid £77,000.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Greedy Lib Dems... - Greedy ones.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05..wanted £78,000,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08whilst the Tories plumped for £97,000.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- Surprise, surprise.- How close can we get to 100 without appearing greedy?
0:12:12 > 0:12:1397.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Balls came under pressure this week. Can anybody tell us about that?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- No.- Ed Balls.- Thank you.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- The debate on the Autumn Statement. - Yeah, he didn't do very well.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24There appears to be a recovery, which is very bad news
0:12:24 > 0:12:27if you've been saying for years there never will be.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29But he had a real problem and everyone shouted at him.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30And he was very cross.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33He went redder and redder in the face, and then he exploded.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Did he explode? I missed that, the explosion.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Have we got that on film?- Yeah.- No, cos you're not allowed to show...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You're not allowed to show a man explode in the House of Commons?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Oh, come on.- Anyway, he reacted in a very calm and statesman-like way.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48He said, "I don't give a toss what you think."
0:12:48 > 0:12:53For a man name Balls, he handles himself very badly.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Do we know what he got up to at the weekend?- He was playing the piano.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58That's right, at a celebrity piano concert.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02He sneaked in when the celebrities weren't looking.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05What, do you have to play a celebrity as if they were a piano?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08BERNARD: That could be fun. I shall volunteer.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10After the disaster at last year's French horn concert...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- I was hoping he'd play something like...- Yeah, Schumann.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20..Great Balls Of Fire or something.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22He didn't. He played...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25He played a piece for children.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Which was sweet and it showed his softer side.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Has he learned to take the lid up yet?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36You've got to be really good to play through the lid.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38You've got to have really strong fingers. The best can do it.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Oscar Peterson never lifted the lid up once in his life.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Play it through the lid.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43He told the Telegraph...
0:13:47 > 0:13:48..when he'd finished.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54So this week, David Cameron got into trouble. Do you know what for?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- Is this the Nigella question? - Oh, yes.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59He said that he was a great fan of Nigella's recipes,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02particularly the ones involving white powder up your nose.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07He said, "I'm Team Nigella." And the judge said,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Can you not make those sort of remarks, Prime Minister?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"It's not very helpful."
0:14:12 > 0:14:14It'd be like me saying I'm Team Rebekah.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19But I wouldn't do that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- You want to spend Christmas at home, don't you?- I do.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Now the festive season is upon us,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27and all the party leaders have personal Christmas cards.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30They were in the papers this week. Let's have a look at them.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32This is Ed Miliband's card.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33JENNIFER: Oh, Lord.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- No, it isn't.- Oh, dear.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38That's the Boden catalogue.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I ordered that jumper. It's rubbish.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47It's sad when parents wish their children
0:14:47 > 0:14:52were two-inches taller than they actually are. Sad, isn't it?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Here's David Cameron's card.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Mm.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Oh, stop it.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Just screams Christmas, doesn't it?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04But it's black and white to show which era
0:15:04 > 0:15:06we're heading back to.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09This is the card sent out by Nick And Miriam Clegg.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Finally, nothing says Christmas like
0:15:15 > 0:15:18the personalised card of a washed up ex-Ukip MEP.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22So, let's have a look at Godfrey Bloom's Christmas card.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Do you know who came up with the idea for the card?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Was it Santa?- Mrs Bloom.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31He told the Daily Star...
0:15:37 > 0:15:39It is Christmas.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Better now than never.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43They won't expect it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49This is the MP's proposed 11% pay rise.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51According to a spokesman for Nick Clegg...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55As it's not coming in till after the next election,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58it's a pretty safe bet.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00According to a survey of European MPs,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02the country that pays politicians the least is Poland.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Although many Polish MPs have extra jobs and second homes...here.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15And so to Round Two, The Picture Spin Quiz.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24BUZZER
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- This is monkeys stealing things. - Baboons.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29They managed to open a window, get in and wreck the place.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30JENNIFER: Whereabouts is this?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- It's...- Wigan.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Wigan.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38If the picture were lower down we could see
0:16:38 > 0:16:41what they were actually stealing. I can't remember but it was like
0:16:41 > 0:16:43a television or a blanket or something.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Let's have a look. There's other pictures.- A sofa.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- It's a teddy.- They kidnapped Pudsey.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Children In Need won't have him next year.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52They got some linen.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54And some more linen.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Look at that one just stuck on the wall.- Exactly.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Can I have one for Christmas, please?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- What, a thieving baboon?- Yes.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Think of all the presents you'd get.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:17:16 > 0:17:18They're very scary. When I went to Cape Town,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20a big one got in our car.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25So we jumped out and we couldn't get back in the car.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Just sitting in the driver's seat messing around for ages.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29How did it get in the car in the first place?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30I left the door open.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35This is the news that a gang of baboons have been
0:17:35 > 0:17:38photographed burgling an apartment block in Cape Town.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Of course, the good thing about baboon burglars is
0:17:40 > 0:17:42they may shit on your carpet
0:17:42 > 0:17:45but at least they throw it out of the window afterwards.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52BUZZER
0:17:52 > 0:17:55This is the corruption in football.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57There's so many ways of betting on a football match now.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59It's not just about goals.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02So players are being bribed to suit syndicates out in Singapore
0:18:02 > 0:18:04and places like that.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Ex-Premier League star Sam Sodje.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Sodje.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Scottish?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16He was filmed by an undercover investigator
0:18:16 > 0:18:18claiming he could arrange for players to be booked or sent off
0:18:18 > 0:18:20in exchange for cash.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23He himself claims to have received £70,000
0:18:23 > 0:18:24for getting sent off
0:18:24 > 0:18:27but he found it difficult, do you know why?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Oh, because the referee didn't see him.- That's right.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32He did it behind the referee's back.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34He punched a player twice in the groin...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39..to get a red card. He said...
0:18:49 > 0:18:52We should point out that they deny all the allegations.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Is it serious?- It is quite serious. - Does it matter?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57It's like cricket. You know about cricket and fixing.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It's the same. You don't want your cricket matches fixed.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Well, I wouldn't mind at the moment.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Obviously now you'd be quite happy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08On the subject of physical fitness,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11does anybody know what this man is doing?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Is it the Vivienne Westwood Winter Collection?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18This is Zhang Fuxing, I'm sure I've pronounced that correctly.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22This man thinks that by attaching 31-stone weights
0:19:22 > 0:19:25to each foot every day,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and walking 15 metres,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30he can cure back pain and haemorrhoids.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34It would certainly give you something else to think about, wouldn't it?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Do you want to see him using his invention.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I can see why he's got back problems.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47He's going to give himself a bad front.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49He's definitely going to miss the bus.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55This is the football match-fixing scandal.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57There was a very suspicious match
0:19:57 > 0:19:59played by Billericay Town last year.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02A spokesman denied that the club engaged in match fixing
0:20:02 > 0:20:04and urged the players to focus on next Saturday's
0:20:04 > 0:20:063-1 victory over Maidstone.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Now it's time for the Odd One Out Round.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Paul and Bernard, Antigone,
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Samuel Pepys,
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Bernard Cribbins
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and some Franciscan monks in Leicester.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Antigone, I don't know anything about that.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22I did the play once.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Something to do with your career, Bernard.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Story-telling?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27We know it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It's to do with holes and burying.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Because Hole In The Ground...
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Bernard did a song called Hole In The Ground.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36How did it go?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39# There I was digging this hole
0:20:39 > 0:20:40# Hole in the ground
0:20:40 > 0:20:43# So big and so round... #
0:20:43 > 0:20:46It was Noel Coward's favourite when he did Desert Island Discs.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48And he said "If he could only have one record, Mr Coward,
0:20:48 > 0:20:49"which would you take?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:52He said, "I'd take Mr Cribbins doing Hole In The Ground." Why?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56"I could translate it into French as I walked up and down the beach."
0:21:03 > 0:21:07It's about burying because Antigone was trying to bury her brother
0:21:07 > 0:21:08and her uncle wouldn't let her.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12The Leicester one must be the Richard III burial.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15They want to bury him or they did bury him.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17What we're looking for is an odd one out.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23They all put stuff in a hole in the ground
0:21:23 > 0:21:26apart from Bernard, who just sang about it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I actually put a man in there at the end.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30There's a clue.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32It wasn't a man, it was cheese.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Yes.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39They all buried someone apart from Pepys who buried his cheese
0:21:39 > 0:21:41and that's not a euphemism.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Right Said Fred.- Right Said Fred, that finished with somebody
0:21:47 > 0:21:48getting squashed, as well.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Any hits not involving fatalities?
0:21:50 > 0:21:55No, a couple of hymns...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57In Greek mythology, Antigone buried her dead brother
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- and how does the story end, Ian? - Badly.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03It's a Greek tragedy, everyone dies.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- So, Antigone was sentenced to death to be buried alive.- Yeah, not good.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- So she hung herself.- Yeah, and then Bernard did a really funny song
0:22:11 > 0:22:14about it.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17# Stop hanging about, Antigone
0:22:17 > 0:22:20# Your making a mess on the floor...#
0:22:20 > 0:22:23# We just cleaned up last Saturday
0:22:23 > 0:22:26# We don't want to do it no more...#
0:22:26 > 0:22:28All together now.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29APPLAUSE
0:22:32 > 0:22:35They've all buried someone, apart from Samuel Pepys,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38who buried his cheese to save it from the Great Fire of London.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41The monks who buried Richard III wore grey garments
0:22:41 > 0:22:42and were hence known as the Greyfriars.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Just as those who wore black garments were known as the Blackfriars.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49And the profound thinkers who ate a lot, the deep fat friars.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Ian and Jennifer, here are yours.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58Bus spotters, Tory MPs, Greg Dyke and Captain Cook.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Greg Dyke has only been in the news for making a strange cut-throat
0:23:02 > 0:23:05gesture when the draw for the World Cup happened.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06What does that mean?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08It means no chance.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11He said it was just banter, It was just a little bit of banter.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Captain Cook, he died after making gestures to his men.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18He was killed when he went to Hawaii.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Tories in the Commons.- Do they make gestures to the opposition?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Is it gestures?- It is gestures, yes.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I'm not going to tell you what about the gestures.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So, the odd one out is the bus spotters.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Cos people make gestures at them.- Yes.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Get out the way.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34You're absolutely right.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36They've all got in trouble for a hand gesture.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Apart from bus spotters who say their hobby is being ruined
0:23:39 > 0:23:42by rude hand gestures...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44From other people.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47According to Harry Blakeway and Martin Anderson, too many
0:23:47 > 0:23:52of the 250,000-plus photos they have taken of buses around the country
0:23:52 > 0:23:55feature bus drivers doing this...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00One more on top.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Why are the bus drivers so angry about the bus spotters?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Cos they've been spotted. Cos they're all signing on probably.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13OK, so Greg Dyke...what did England boss Roy Hodgson think
0:24:13 > 0:24:14of Dyke's reaction?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16He said he didn't see it
0:24:16 > 0:24:18but there's a photograph that looked as if he did.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Here's an artist's impression,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22we're not allowed to show the actual picture.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Tory MPs?- Gesturing to women.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Going, "Ooh, hello. Hello, love...get 'em out!"
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Erm, yeah, pretty much. Recently elected Labour MP for Rotherham,
0:24:36 > 0:24:41Sarah Champion, complained about Tory MPs making lewd hand gestures.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Members of the public regularly write in to complain about how
0:24:44 > 0:24:47all MPs behave. According to the Mail, one message sent in
0:24:47 > 0:24:49November said...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Kind of Her Majesty to find the time to write in.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11APPLAUSE
0:25:12 > 0:25:15So, it's time now for the missing words round.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Which this week features as its guest publication,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Meat Goat Monthly.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24The magazine of the meat goat industry.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26When I heard about Meat Goat Monthly, I thought, finally
0:25:26 > 0:25:30someone's making it easier for busy professionals to meet goats.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Also available online,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36though their website does attract a lot of trolls.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42We start with Mary Berry.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Have a soggy bottom.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Burnt my baps...I don't know.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I killed seven men in cold blood.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- I hit children.- Oh, yes, with a spoon.- With a butter patter, yes.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Mary Berry claimed on Piers Morgan's chat show that sometimes
0:26:07 > 0:26:09a slap on the legs can help. Or in Piers Morgan's case,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12a punch in the throat will suffice.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Next...
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Have no problem hiring Mary Berry as an assassin.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Have no problem eating a whole goat for breakfast.- Yeah, exactly.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Next...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Jehovah's Witnesses.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Can I talk to you about Jesus?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45That's parrots.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I can't do a cockerel, bloody hell.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50You're lucky it was some sort of bird.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Let's see it.- Here's Batman.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Of course they don't make chicken film stars like they used to.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Hen-ry Fonda... There's more.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Gregory Peck's got to be in there somewhere.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13..and Gwyneth Poultry.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18So, look at this, the final score, just before Christmas,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22are Ian and Jennifer have nine, and Paul and Bernard have five.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:30But, before we all hang our stockings up,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36JENNIFER: It's a beaver on a laptop.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Could it be logging on?
0:27:46 > 0:27:50And I leave you with news that in South Africa, there's evidence that
0:27:50 > 0:27:52the official in charge of booking the deaf
0:27:52 > 0:27:55signer for Nelson Mandela's memorial has been relieved of his duties.
0:27:59 > 0:28:0220 years after construction began, Madame Tussauds finally
0:28:02 > 0:28:05complete their waxwork of Sting and his wife, Trudie.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And, in central London, a man decides to Google
0:28:10 > 0:28:12himself to find out what people think about him.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Good night.