0:00:34 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Richard Osman. In the news this week,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44the BBC is forced to apologise after cutting to the wrong camera
0:00:44 > 0:00:47during an interview with Nigel Farage.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53With yet another story about his love life
0:00:53 > 0:00:54set to hit a Sunday newspaper,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57the victim takes direct action to try and stop the presses.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And evidence emerges that the Australian Air Force
0:01:06 > 0:01:08are developing their own stealth bomber.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16On Ian's team tonight is a TV presenter who says,
0:01:16 > 0:01:17"History is the most exciting thing
0:01:17 > 0:01:20"that has ever happened to anyone on this planet."
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Clearly he never saw Todd Carty and Bonnie Langford
0:01:22 > 0:01:25win the Christmas edition of Celebrity Pointless.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Please welcome Dan Snow.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And with Paul tonight is a left-wing comedian
0:01:35 > 0:01:37who has been described by one critic as "so honest,
0:01:37 > 0:01:41"when he talks it's like he's going to start a war at any time."
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Well, he's good, but he's no Tony Blair.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Please welcome Mark Steel.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Ian and Dan, take a look at this.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Ah, this is goodbye. Chloe Smith.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Diane Abbott. Yes, goodbye to you, too.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Goodbye. He is one of the other ones.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Don't know who he is.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06No, even he doesn't know who he is.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- This is reshuffles.- Yes.- All the big political parties have decided
0:02:09 > 0:02:11it's time to reshuffle their teams.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15And it's extraordinary. The change is unbelievable.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Within a day, no-one's noticed.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- As a swing voter, it's completely convinced me.- Has it?- Yes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I'm definitely voting for one of them now.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26What all the parties have done is bring in women,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29which is one of those moves that even the Beeb will do.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Erm...
0:02:32 > 0:02:33At some point.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35APPLAUSE
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I'm quite willing to have the operation,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39if it helps the programme.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Anyway, what do you want to know?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Three people who used to work for breakfast television
0:02:42 > 0:02:44have been promoted.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Who are the three daytime TV hosts who were promoted?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49This is like your Pointless programme!
0:02:49 > 0:02:50It is a little bit.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- A little bit. Except I am allowed to say- BLEEP,- that's the difference.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59For the benefit of those of us who have jobs and don't watch daytime television...
0:02:59 > 0:03:04- I haven't been a student for so long, I've forgotten who is on daytime television.- It's him.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08You know what, how dare you?
0:03:08 > 0:03:115:30 isn't daytime, it's early evening.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Shoulder peak. Access prime.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Exactly.- That's what they call it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Yeah, it's daytime.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Tell us the names of these three ladies.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- Esther McVey.- Esther McVey.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Anna Soubry.- She's a Tory.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Anna Soubry, she's another Tory,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- and the other one, Gloria... - Gloria De Piero, who is Labour.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Let's look at Esther McVey. What's her new job?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35She's gone to Work and Pensions.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Yes, according to the Mail, she's been asked to play the role of:
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It's not all about GMTV presenters being promoted.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Another person has been promoted by Ed Miliband,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51and that is the Right Honourable Tristram Hunt MP.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- A TV historian. - He is my competition.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- TV historian, yeah.- He's not any more, is he?- No, he's not.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- I saw him off. He's become a politician.- That's true.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- It's better to be a historian than a politician.- Much better.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- We get to write about them and decide if they're good or not.- Exactly.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I must say, I loved your history of the railways.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I thought it was terrific.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Ian, you did a history of the railways as well, didn't you?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I did a programme about Dr Beeching's cuts, yeah.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14It was prime access.
0:04:15 > 0:04:185:30 in the Countdown slot.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Quite hard to make trains interesting, isn't it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22I thought you did it very well.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I'll tell you who else did it very well.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Portillo.- Yeah.- He is charismatic.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Yeah, he was good. - And Paul, I like it when
0:04:30 > 0:04:32you go to India, on the trains and stuff like that.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I don't know why other people bother doing it when you can't do it right.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Now, there was another man who was promoted in the reshuffle.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44His name was Alistair Carmichael.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47He is now the Minister of State for Scotland.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I would remember his name, anyone who watches Pointless.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Honestly, give it 18 months, and he is going to be an answer.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57The first in the queue to shake his hand was Nick Clegg.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Shall we take a little look?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:14It went on for seven years.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Well, it looked like it, yes.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Speaking of seven years, during the Seven Years' War,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21it was said that King Louis XV's ministers used to change
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"like the scenery at the opera."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- So often.- Really?- Yeah.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Why didn't you say that, Paul?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Because it was boring.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36It wasn't all people being promoted, though.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38There were a few demotions as well.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42You showed Diane Abbott, didn't you? Ed Miliband sacked her.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44And she's not even related to him!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49She wanted his job originally.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51She wanted to be in charge of the Labour Party. God knows why.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Are you mourning her loss?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Yeah, well, she was never on message,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and in the new political parties, you're meant to toe the line.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59So she's been sacked.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- So she'll be back to helping Portillo.- I love it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03He is so good on trains. Mind you,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05anyone can make trains interesting, can't they?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Most people can make that job funny as well.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16APPLAUSE
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Now, who reshuffled themselves this week?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21An extremist, are you looking for, Richard?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I am looking for an extremist. But that's after the show.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Tommy Robinson.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh, the English Defence League.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- Tommy Robinson. - Tommy Robinson, absolutely right.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- What did he do this week? - He resigned from the EDL.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36He found out, much to his horror, that a lot of them were racist.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Didn't understand that bit. - "I don't know what's going on.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"I mean, we used to march into Muslim areas and that,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"and go, 'Muslims out' and 'We hate Muslims'
0:06:45 > 0:06:46"and 'We hate Pakis' and that,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"and it turns out some of them were anti-Islam. So...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52"..I went off 'em."
0:06:55 > 0:06:57And do you know what Tommy Robinson does for a living?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Does he work at the United Nations? Peacekeeper.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Does he see sick children with Roger Moore and Lulu?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- He also used to run a tanning shop. - Exactly right.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11What, changing the colour of people's skin?!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15APPLAUSE
0:07:15 > 0:07:18So your customer comes in, "Come in, madam."
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Half an hour later, "You can get out!"
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Yes, this is the day of reshuffles.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28According to the Daily Telegraph:
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I'm guessing that wasn't half each.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Explaining his decision to quit the EDL, Tommy Robinson said:
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Yes, it's always the tiny minority
0:07:46 > 0:07:49that makes marching on a mosque such an unpleasant experience.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Paul and Mark, take a look at this.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56This is clearly somebody trying to post letters there,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58there's the dog helping him out.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01That dog might be replacing the postmen
0:08:01 > 0:08:02in the new privatised service.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And then postmen, in an act of revenge, will bite dogs.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09The Royal Mail is being sold off, isn't it, Mark?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Now, even Thatcher said we will not privatise the Royal Mail.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16But this lot have decided to do it, and you have to conclude
0:08:16 > 0:08:19they really genuinely would sell their granny, these people.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22They would go, "Granny, come on, you are of no use to society,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"you are too expensive, we're having to drive you round
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"to your mates' funerals and stuff like that."
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- Take her down the tanning shop and get her deported.- Exactly.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Can I guess you haven't applied for shares?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35I have, but...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39No, it's just, it's horrible.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44It's everything about this government rolled up into one story.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46It's as if the country's being run by Ryanair now.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50You pay for your little thing and that's it, nothing else.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"I don't want to pay for libraries, I don't go to the library.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55"Look at all the money that gets wasted on guide dogs.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57"I can't climb a tree, nobody buys me a gibbon."
0:08:59 > 0:09:01APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It was hugely oversubscribed, though, that's the key.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07About seven times as many people trying to get the shares
0:09:07 > 0:09:09as there are shares.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11All this idea that it is going to be a capitalism
0:09:11 > 0:09:12that reaches out to the poor,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14and the bank that is organising this,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18that is going to make a huge amount of money, is Goldman Sachs.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21And you think, "Oh, it's about time they had a break, isn't it?"
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Labour say the Post Office is being sold off on the cheap.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Well, because it's so massively oversubscribed.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31The logic is clearly, "We've got to sell off the Post Office."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34And then the market says, "Actually, everybody wants a piece.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"It is obviously really valuable."
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Which raises the question, why are we selling it off, then?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41If it's a state asset, why can't we keep it?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43And the answer is, they don't know.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47According to The Times, this might not be the last privatisation we see as well.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- What else are they suggesting might be privatised?- The Queen.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56They haven't yet, but that would be oversubscribed, wouldn't it? I'd like a piece of her.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I've heard the rumours.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03What else have they got left to sell off?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I think the next one will be lamp posts.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08They'll sell off lamp posts
0:10:08 > 0:10:10and you'll have to put 5p in a little meter.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14And it'll give you just enough light to get to the next one and you put another one in.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Somewhere George Osborne is writing that down, you know that?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22You know the Royal Mail owns a brilliant miniature electric railway.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Absolutely, yeah.- It goes from Paddington to Whitechapel.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27It hasn't been used for about eight or ten years.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29That'd be brilliant, to use that.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32They're thinking about using it for shops on Oxford Street.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33They could have their own little spouts
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and put the goods up and down it and it whizzes around.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Mark, you were saying that Margaret Thatcher always refused to sell off the Royal Mail.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41What reason did she give?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Oh, something about the Queen's head, wasn't it?- Yes, she said:
0:10:47 > 0:10:50It was Denis's favourite pub, I think.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Yes, this is the mad rush to buy shares in the Royal Mail.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56To our younger viewers, a letter is a bit like a text,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58but you write it down with a pen and you put it in an envelope
0:10:58 > 0:11:00and you buy a sort of sticker to put on it,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02and then you put it in a hole in one of those red boxes
0:11:02 > 0:11:05and within two days, it will be delivered to the wrong house,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07somewhere near where your friend lives.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10The shares were priced at £3.30.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13No-one quite understands how they got to that price.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It was a bit like trying to buy a stamp for something
0:11:15 > 0:11:17that doesn't weigh very much, but is quite wide.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Ian and Dan, here's another for you.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25That's some newspapers, you won't see them for much longer. Lord Leveson.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27And that's the Prime Minister.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Oh, this is the Privy Council that's going to report on press freedom
0:11:33 > 0:11:36and the plans to regulate the press.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39They've decided to reject the newspapers' own solution
0:11:39 > 0:11:40and have a Royal Charter.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43But the main thing that's coming out of the proposal
0:11:43 > 0:11:47is that publications that won't join up to the regulator, such as, say,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50a small magazine like Private Eye,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53those publications, if they get involved in a libel action and they win,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55they prove that they were right to say it,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58they will not only have to pay all their own costs,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01they will have to pay all the costs of the person who sued them.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05That is now law. That has already been enacted by the Government.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Not by anyone independent, by the politicians.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11So the idea that then, given any say on the rest of the press,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13they will act responsibly - they won't.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17They will punish those whose views they don't like who won't play ball,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19and obviously, that may well be me.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23It ought to be simple.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25It's only because it was Leveson,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27one of these chaps who sits there,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30going, "I've spent 84 years looking through a billion pages",
0:12:30 > 0:12:33and really, he should have just sat there and gone
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"Oh, for Christ's sake, all you horrible bastards,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"you're just in jail", and that's...
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Everyone says "Well, Lord Leveson, he reported and nothing happened."
0:12:42 > 0:12:43It did happen!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46They closed down the biggest newspaper in the country.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Scores of people have been arrested, journalists.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Lots of people are being prosecuted. It's a big result.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53It's difficult for people
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- to find themselves siding with the Daily Mail.- You're not.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58But that's what people are thinking.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01They think I'm lining up with Murdoch and with Dacre,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04and that's very embarrassing. Look at me, I'm embarrassed!
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Internally, I'm crawling.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07But, you know, in Britain, we have a free press.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09It's not a pretty press. But it's free.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It's like the people who can't bear the Daily Mail
0:13:12 > 0:13:15who say you should ban it. No, no, no, you don't ban it.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16You don't buy it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21APPLAUSE
0:13:22 > 0:13:24At least once a week,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26there will be a story in there that goes
0:13:26 > 0:13:29"Have you seen this woman in a council estate,
0:13:29 > 0:13:33"and she's got 403 kids and they're all on benefits,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"and now she's bought a giraffe and the giraffe is on benefits,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"and now she's said to the Government
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"that she can't fit the giraffe in the house,
0:13:40 > 0:13:41"it's getting a cricked neck,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43"so they've put it up in St Paul's Cathedral,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"and now she's saying that three of her kids
0:13:46 > 0:13:48"have got compulsive snooker syndrome,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"so the town hall has brought a snooker table round
0:13:51 > 0:13:54"but she can't be referee because she's allergic to white gloves,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57"so the mayor has to come round and count up the points,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"otherwise he'll be arrested by Europe."
0:14:01 > 0:14:04That is absolutely true, but then every now and then,
0:14:04 > 0:14:05the Daily Mail runs a story like
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"The murderers of Stephen Lawrence shouldn't get off scot-free.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09"They did murder him.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12"We are going to campaign for ten years until they get justice."
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I mean, the free press does good things.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Even if you don't like most of what they do,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19you have to allow people to do these stories,
0:14:19 > 0:14:20otherwise they won't appear.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22You're saying that sometimes,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Luke Skywalker has to team up with Darth Vader, right?
0:14:30 > 0:14:35- Or, as I might put it, Churchill with Stalin.- Indeed.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Just to translate that, that's Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Presumably, Ian is Churchill in that analogy?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Yes.- And Stalin is my father.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53So this is all going to come into play on October 30th.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I've got the official timetable of what happens.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58It's the Privy Council, so it's quite confusing.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02The Queen will attend the Privy Council with her official seal.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Judging by that noise, he's in the front row.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14She will then ratify the Royal Charter,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16which editors will be expected to sign up to.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Ian Hislop will then be hung for treason.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Did you see the journalist Mehdi Hasan taking the Daily Mail to task on Question Time?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- No.- Yes.- I thought it was marvellous.- He did. Ian did.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29He called it:
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Although the Mail did print this in retaliation.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41It's a letter from Mehdi Hasan, applying for a job at the Mail.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45In a letter to Paul Dacre a few years ago, he says:
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Ooh. Ouch.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Ed Miliband, of course,
0:15:59 > 0:16:01has done well out of his fight with the Mail.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05This week, he's been reinforcing his tough guy image. Let's take a look.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12As an example of press freedom, what did The Guardian do that was described this week
0:16:12 > 0:16:16as the greatest damage to the Western security apparatus in history?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17It's the new head of MI5,
0:16:17 > 0:16:21who has said The Guardian has acted really irresponsibly
0:16:21 > 0:16:23in pointing out that we are spying on people.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27And The Guardian has said "Well, even Obama has said, actually,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"we were probably overdoing the spying."
0:16:29 > 0:16:32But in this country, everyone's gone mental and said
0:16:32 > 0:16:34"Oh, no, The Guardian should be put down",
0:16:34 > 0:16:38because they pointed out that we're all being spied on all the time.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It's a matter of consent.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44You can debate this and say "Yes, I'd like to be spied on". I know I would.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Anyone showing any interest in my life would be terrific.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I'd be very happy with that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56But I think it's a matter for public debate,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59and if we want to pass laws saying we can spy on people, we can.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01It's just that what The Guardian did
0:17:01 > 0:17:04was point out that this is happening, and nobody knows it.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I always like people's use of the words "in history",
0:17:07 > 0:17:08because that's quite a long time.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11What about when the entire British Secret Service
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- was working for the Russians? - When did that happen?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- For most of the Cold War. - Really? All of them?- Pretty much.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21So you'd think that was pretty bad, wasn't it?
0:17:21 > 0:17:22So this is clearly also a bit bad,
0:17:22 > 0:17:27but I don't think it's the worst security breach in history.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Also, when Judi Dench died...
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Yes, this is the march
0:17:35 > 0:17:38towards government regulation of the press,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40which the whole of Fleet Street argues
0:17:40 > 0:17:42would be an unmitigated disaster. According to the Mail,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44the cross-party agreement was negotiated:
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Pizza? That's Italian. God, Miliband really does hate Britain.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Meanwhile, in a speech, Andrew Parker, the head of MI5,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56has attacked The Guardian
0:17:56 > 0:17:59and Edward Snowden for harming Britain's intelligence service.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Spymaster Andrew Parker may not look much like
0:18:01 > 0:18:04he's a specialist in espionage and covert operations,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07but to be fair to him, he is a 68-year-old black woman.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Paul and Mark, here's another one for you.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14This is a cat being massaged.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18There was a story this week that not all cats like being stroked,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and when they're purring, it could be a sign of distress.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- That's exactly right. - Who was the research done by? Dogs.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29No, it was actually done by Professor Daniel Mills,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31of the University of Lincoln.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33How could he tell the cats were stressed when you stroked them?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35He had them all wired up.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38To electricity, which would stress anybody out.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40He said that when handled by humans,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43they let off a small amount of hormone linked to anxiety.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- I did that at the start of the show. - Did you?- Yeah.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52But we're not actually meant to do a full massage on cats.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Just if they're feeling a bit down, say,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"Oh, have you had a terrible day?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"What's it like outside?" "Oh, raining again."
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Is that the cat speaking?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07That's more of a story in my mind, that the cat's actually talking, rather than getting a massage.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10No, he doesn't say anything, that was me doing the massage.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, that's misleading. You as the editor of a publication,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16now on television, telling people that cats can talk?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Where's Lord Leveson when you need him?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Working for the dogs.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- During the tests, what proportion of the cats enjoyed being stroked?- 43%.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- You're so close.- Eight out of ten.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36It was none at all.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I'm just going to warn viewers at home now
0:19:40 > 0:19:44to look away if you don't want to see a photograph of someone deliberately stressing out a cat.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49The Mail Online carried the story,
0:19:49 > 0:19:54and there was a big response in the comment section. For example, Alexandra wrote:
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Round Two is called the history noise. I'll play you a noise
0:20:05 > 0:20:07which will relate to a story from this week's news
0:20:07 > 0:20:08which has a link to history.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Buzz in when you think you know what the story is. Let's hear the first noise.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15'Come on. Come on. Quickly, I need an answer.'
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Merton, Magdalene.- That's Jeremy Paxman.- It is Jeremy Paxman.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21And he's just brought a book out about the First World War,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24and he was being asked a question about it at a book festival
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- and didn't know the answers to the simple questions he was being asked.- Absolutely right.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Do you know what he was asked?- Yes. - BELL
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Hislop.- Magdalene.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38By nature or by...university?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41He couldn't answer what happened to Lord Kitchener,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44very much the poster boy for World War I. What happened?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48He was on a ship that hit a mine. It was on its way to Russia.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51There was a bit of a Cabinet reshuffle, actually.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54And Paxman didn't know at all. He didn't even know
0:20:54 > 0:20:57the name of the soldier in that tomb at Westminster Abbey.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- That's inexcusable, isn't it, Dan? - Yes.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05It's also inexcusable to be a BBC history presenter that loses out
0:21:05 > 0:21:08to a man who knows nothing in a big landmark history series
0:21:08 > 0:21:10about the First World War. So I'm an even bigger failure.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Was it not offered to you? - Of course not.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Surely you were a shoo-in for that job?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Well, you'd have thought so, you know.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23In addition to Jeremy Paxman, who else is stupid this week?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- Oh, is this the global education report?- Yes.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30The international education report.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Britain was 22nd in literacy, and 21st in numeracy?
0:21:34 > 0:21:35And that was out of 20.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I don't know, I couldn't read it.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44And older people in this country are much more literate
0:21:44 > 0:21:46and numerate than younger people,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49and in all the successful countries, it's the other way round.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Which suggests that something has gone wrong.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54They've got their own language, haven't they, 19-year-olds?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55So have the French.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Who were the least numerate people on Earth?- Below us?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02It was the Americans.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05They don't even know there's more than one math.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Yes, Jeremy Paxman is the latest in a long line of people
0:22:12 > 0:22:14to cash in on - sorry, commemorate - World War I.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16One plan for the commemorations
0:22:16 > 0:22:18is to replay the famous Christmas Day football match
0:22:18 > 0:22:21with a special game between England and Germany,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23to be shown live on Sky Sports Sombre Sunday.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Also this week, the Cookie Monster made an exclusive appearance on Newsnight, saying:
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'm so sorry, that was Boris Johnson.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Let's take a listen to the next history noise.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46ZIPPER SQUEAKS
0:22:46 > 0:22:49BUZZER
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- Paul and Mark.- That wasn't a zip? - It was a zip.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Why is a zip historical this week?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Must be the 100th anniversary of the zip.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Yes, it's been 100 years to the day since a man first went
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"Ow! No, that's just making it worse."
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Tell you what, if cats don't like being stroked, they should try that.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13The zip appears in the top five
0:23:13 > 0:23:16of the list of the 100 greatest inventions of all time.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Can you tell me what else might appear in the top five?- Fire.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24There's a moth in the studio. Moths. A moth. Fire.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- Fire's got to be one of the top inventions, hasn't it?- No.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I think fire was a discovery more than an invention.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31That moth is very excited.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Someone's got something very old out of the wardrobe.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I think it's that gentleman's jumper.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40It shows you how interesting this programme is.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Everybody's focus is now on that moth.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45So, yeah, fire's a discovery.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Let's take a look at the top five. They are, in order:
0:23:53 > 0:23:58Fire! Portable fire, I should have said.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01What about the moth zapper?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03We could really do with one now.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08I told you to wait in the van.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Told it to wait in the van.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16And the next history noise for you.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17TRUMPET FANFARE
0:24:17 > 0:24:20WHISTLE, THUMP
0:24:20 > 0:24:22BUZZER
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Paul again.- That's the sound of a football being kicked.- Yeah.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28And the whistle was a clue that it was a football.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30There was some sort of fanfare before that.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33We've had a football match at Buckingham Palace this week.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- Exactly right. - 150 years of the FA,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39and one of the teams playing was one of the 12 original teams.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- Civil Servants United? - Yeah, Civil Service FC.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44I only read the first few...
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I got so bored of the story that I stopped reading it after PO.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52That's why, as a historian, you haven't buzzed in for one of the questions on the history round.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54No wonder they gave Paxman that documentary.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- Didn't Prince Harry play in this game?- It was Prince William.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Shall we take a look at him?- Yes.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07That's from Danny Baker's 101 Campest Throw-Ins Of All Time.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09In his pre-match speech, Prince William said:
0:25:15 > 0:25:16"And what's more, you'll have to pay for it.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"Oh, hang on, you already pay for it."
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Now, there were all sorts of nationalities playing in this team.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26So what did they have to do with Prince Philip while the game was on?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- Where did they send him this week? - Balmoral, somewhere like that?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- They sent him to an old people's home.- Oh.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34A people's home, I think he would call it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38But how did he show he was back on form?
0:25:38 > 0:25:42He saw this girl, who was a pensioner's great-granddaughter. He said:
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Time now for the missing words round, which this week
0:25:51 > 0:25:54features as its guest publication International Sheepdog News.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58It's a brilliant read, brilliantly illustrated, the dog's bollocks... are on page 16.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01And we start with:
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Eating sheep.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Telling the neighbours that you're bisexual.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Next:
0:26:15 > 0:26:18DAN: Too soft, says Putin.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22MARK: All right, once you got to know him.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25You were actually right the first time. Apparently:
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Ivan the Terrible died whilst playing chess.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31He was given the last rites by a bishop,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34who took his time getting there cos he could only move diagonally.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36And finally:
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Lebensraum!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44A historical joke!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Sheepdogs!
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Of course.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Partly because all the Polish Border collies are in this country,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57rounding up sheep for half the price of the English ones.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01So, the final scores are: Ian and Dan, 7 points.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Paul and Mark are this week's winners, with 11 points.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17DAN: Budget cuts affect Incredible Hulk movie?
0:27:19 > 0:27:20And this:
0:27:20 > 0:27:24If Qatar can have the football, Atlantis can have the cricket.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26Rain stops play.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34On which note, we say thank you to our contestants,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Ian Hislop and Dan Snow, Paul Merton and Mark Steel.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39And I leave you with news that in London,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43the publisher who suggested a new Bridget Jones book would be a great idea is swiftly tracked down.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49As part of a crackdown on recycling, Kingston council officials
0:27:49 > 0:27:52go through the bins at Ronnie Corbett's house.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57And there are incredible scenes
0:27:57 > 0:28:01at the World's Smuggest Man competition, as judges declare it a three-way tie.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Good night.