0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell. In the news this week...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45As Labour threatens to end non-dom status,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Roman Abramovich tries to make a quick getaway with all of his money.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06After an all-night campaign meeting in the Dog and Duck,
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Nigel Farage wakes up and tells his PA to cancel all of his meetings.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:20And in a rabbit hutch in Hatton Garden,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23footage emerges of another daring heist.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
0:01:41 > 0:01:45who says many panel shows are unnecessarily competitive.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Wrong answer, so you lose a point for that. What a dreadful start.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Please welcome Alun Cochrane.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And with Paul tonight is a Labour politician
0:01:58 > 0:02:01who, for ten years, was Deputy Prime Minister.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04To put that in perspective, it meant even less then than it does now.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Please welcome Baron Prescott of Kingston upon Hull.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:13We start with the big story of the week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Paul and John, take a look at this. - Mm, yes.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19OK, this is Ed Miliband making his famous silent speech. This is...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Oh, this is the Greens' Natalie Bennett, I think that's her name.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Yes, and Nigel Farage. Ice cream and all this sort of stuff.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27The leaders, everybody but Nick Clegg and David Cameron,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29are debating on Thursday night
0:02:29 > 0:02:33and people were absolutely amazed when they woke up Friday morning
0:02:33 > 0:02:35and saw what had happened - just have a look.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41APPLAUSE
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Did you watch the debate last night? - Yes, I did. It was great... No.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53You caught me out mid-lie. No, I didn't see it, no. Was it good?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So, am I the only one who could bear to watch?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Yes.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Well, it was great. - What was your favourite bit, Ian?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04The bit at the beginning when you realised Cameron hadn't turned up.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10That was very good. And then Clegg hadn't come either.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13So, it meant that everyone attacked Ed Miliband.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16He'd managed to get a platform where all the other people could say,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"You're useless," and he couldn't say, "It's the Tories' fault,"
0:03:20 > 0:03:21cos they weren't there.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23So, it was a slightly unbalanced debate.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26What do you think about David Dimbleby's frank confession at the end?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- I mean, did you guess? - Ill-advised.- Ill-advised, yeah.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I agree.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Even though we didn't see all of the debate,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40let's have a look at the highlights.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43There seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45and amongst this audience, which is a remarkable audience,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47even by... MURMURING
0:03:47 > 0:03:49..even by the left-wing standards of the BBC,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- I mean, this lot's pretty left-wing. - Hang on a second.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Very interesting, that when you talk about...
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Nigel, let me just say one thing.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00This is an audience that has been carefully chosen not by the BBC...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03not by the BBC, but by an independent polling organisation
0:04:03 > 0:04:06to represent the balance between all parties.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Very good.- And so...
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Very good. Very good.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14It's a very good tactic. Attack your audience.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Was it a wise move to pick a fight with David Dimbleby?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21And the BBC, and the BBC audience. He's been a bit rattled, hasn't he?
0:04:21 > 0:04:2312 months ago, he was this sort of man
0:04:23 > 0:04:26that was going to remake English politics and all this sort of stuff,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29and now he's just some bloke moaning that everybody's against him.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Who would you rather have a fight with, John - David Dimbleby or Jeremy Paxman?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Glass jaw, Dimbleby. - No, I think that...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37He'd go straight down.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Paxman, he'd be like a bulldog. You have to shoot him in the end.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42He'd keep coming.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46And another thing, Prime Minister...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- I'd prefer Jeremy Clarkson. Is he coming on here?- Yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- Not any more, no.- Not this series.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I'll miss him if Ian goes.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Is this...?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I'm being replaced by Clarkson?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I think one way to ruin this show and Top Gear
0:05:04 > 0:05:06is to have Ian and Jeremy Clarkson swap places.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That could be...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13APPLAUSE
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- What would be your approach to the show?- Um...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18What sort of car would Disraeli have driven?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Ed Miliband did something brilliantly this week.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- What was that?- Um...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:33He successfully ingested a sandwich without causing uproar.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Let's have a look.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It's never happened like this before, Tom. I absolutely promise you.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40It is honestly fluke.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Oh, my goodness me! OK, that has never...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Six balls. There's some cheating going on here.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51That's never, ever happened before.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I hope you caught on camera that shot that I played.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- That was impressive.- I want that broadcast on the Tonight programme.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Do you know what? I'd genuinely vote for him
0:06:03 > 0:06:07if he just settled, for once and for all, the actual rules of pool.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Like do you get two shots for a foul, even on black, or not?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Do you have to aim down the table?
0:06:14 > 0:06:18If he just went, "Look, this is it, this is my one election pledge,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"I'm going to sort this out," I'd be like, "Show me the box."
0:06:23 > 0:06:24I think it's rather sweet,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27his astonishment that something had gone rather well.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28The double and in.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30At the launch of the Labour manifesto,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32how did Ed Miliband describe himself?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34The leader.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35I'm ready.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38That is indeed what he said.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Is he ready?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Definitely, yes.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44What would you say if you thought he wasn't?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46That was about a five on a sincerity-o-meter.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- Let's remind ourselves of the key Labour manifesto pledges.- Yes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Going over to Ruth Cadbury,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Parliamentary candidate for Brentford and Isleworth.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00The Labour Party's manifesto is out now.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Can you tell me more about the key policies?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Erm...
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Sum them up. What are your key policies?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I can't remember. Oh, God.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- Sorry.- You need to check them. That's not great.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I do need to check them. I mean, I'm reading them every day.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Sorry.- Labour's key policies. - Labour...
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Er...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30To be fair, when you're asked about the manifesto,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33it only came out about 24 hours ago, isn't it?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37It's a bit much to push these people, to say, "Do you remember everything?"
0:07:37 > 0:07:40John, perhaps you could talk us through the key Labour promises.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I'll stop you when we've got enough.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I've got the pledge cards.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47We delivered on this one in 1997 on every facet.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Come and have a look.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50And we'll deliver on this.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- I must do that.- Yeah, OK.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- You can trust politicians to deliver. We did.- Hold on. You're saying...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Here, you can have a look and see how we delivered it.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02It's a train ticket to Reading.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Look. Look at the top pledge on the top.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"We will invade Iraq against the wishes...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"of the people of Britain."
0:08:14 > 0:08:15CHEERING
0:08:15 > 0:08:17SHE MOUTHS
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Yeah, but it was Miliband who stopped the invasion into Syria.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26That's something for him, isn't it? Ain't heard you say much about that.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28No, no, cos I'm more interested
0:08:28 > 0:08:30in the previous one, which you were involved in.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32And we made it clear - that time we made a mistake.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34There's no doubt about that.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36But give Miliband the credit for stopping us
0:08:36 > 0:08:38doing the same thing with Syria.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Cos Cameron was about to get in to do it with the Americans.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Yeah, no, I have no problem with that. And Obama took the hit.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47You just don't talk about it. Anyway, that's the difference between us.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Yeah.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Should we start again? - But you say...- I don't think so.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55..the manifesto had only just come out
0:08:55 > 0:08:57so the candidate can't be expected to know what's in it.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Is the manifesto meant to be a massive surprise
0:09:00 > 0:09:01to Labour candidates?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:03 > 0:09:04No, but when you get...
0:09:06 > 0:09:10In our party, you have to get it through the National Executive
0:09:10 > 0:09:12and we have a policy-making for the manifesto.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15You don't know necessarily what's coming through.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I think some great things have gone through,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20particularly when we're dealing with the Leveson Report
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and what are we going to do about making the press more accountable?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- That's quite important.- You're going to legislate, aren't you?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30What we've said about that, we will carry out what Leveson said.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34- We wait to see the press...- Leveson said nothing about a Royal Charter.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- He didn't mention it.- I would've thought you, as a journalist,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38might find this an important point.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- No, as a journalist, it's an unimportant point.- Blimey.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44In Private Eye, you're sued every day, for God's sake,
0:09:44 > 0:09:45for what you say about people.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48No, we're not.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50And certainly not about you.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54I know you've got problems with the press and your private life, John.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59The last time you raised it, you got the same "ooh".
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Be more specific and say it.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03You're usually straightforward in Private Eye. What's your complaint?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06You're very unhappy about press intrusion into your private life
0:10:06 > 0:10:09cos they revealed you were having an affair with Tracey Temple.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- I never complained at all.- And it was very embarrassing for you.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- No, it wasn't.- God, it... It wasn't embarrassing?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I made a mistake, I owned up to it publicly.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21And I was waiting for this one to come from you.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23You didn't own up to it publicly. You were revealed as doing it.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- I've got an idea!- Hey! - I've got an idea.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I did it at the Labour conference...
0:10:27 > 0:10:31You two find a room and whoever comes out alive is the winner.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I don't think we've any doubt about that.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:47ALUN: It's a death stare. He gave you a death stare.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It depends who's ordering the room service, I suppose,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51doesn't it, John?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:56This is like a terrible family Christmas.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00What did the Green Party manifesto want to ban?
0:11:00 > 0:11:01The Grand National.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Yes, that's one of the things.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08There goes my weekend.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14What is the Green Party pledge on plastic bags?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18They're going to be a quid, not five pence. A full pound.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21They're going to tax them. How much money will this raise?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Four quid...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27..from the a few initial trailblazers and then people will just use the
0:11:27 > 0:11:32really thick carrier bag that they keep other carrier bags in at home.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35That's what's going to happen.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36According to the Green Party,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38their tax on plastic bags will raise...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I like the word "perhaps".
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- MUSIC PLAYS - It's a good idea, anyway.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Hold that thought,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49because it's time for a quickfire round
0:11:49 > 0:11:52of the election bonus buzzer questions...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Fingers on buzzers.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Here's Alex Salmond on the campaign trail in his constituency,
0:12:02 > 0:12:06having a chat over the garden wall, but what did he do next?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- BELL RINGS - Ian and Alun.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Did he keep his head and shoulders there
0:12:10 > 0:12:14but just using his stomach muscles, bring his feet up at the side?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Here's the thing, you're closer than you think.- No!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Having had a chat with that constituent,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26he joined another to jump up and down on a mattress.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Look how high he gets!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37OK, so, we haven't talked enough about Ukip.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39What about their manifesto?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41What is different about the Ukip manifesto compared to
0:12:41 > 0:12:44the last election, according to Nigel Farage?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46He said it was drivel, the first one,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and this one he said "was a new gold standard for manifestos".
0:12:51 > 0:12:54This one, he said, is their...
0:12:54 > 0:12:57And finally, let's just meet a Ukip voter from Essex.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear. Vote Ukip.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08APPLAUSE
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Yes, it's the start of that weird three-week period where
0:13:11 > 0:13:14everyone pretends the manifestos actually matter.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17The Independent reported that a Polish prince living in London
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and unhappy with Ukip's anti-immigrant stance...
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I like the sound of that idea! But then a spokesman for Ukip said...
0:13:28 > 0:13:31And now I like it even more.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34It was revealed by the Star On Sunday that Ukip's
0:13:34 > 0:13:35new office in Luton is...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39..which hosts a night called...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43That wouldn't be a bad name for an SNP-Labour coalition.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48APPLAUSE
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Ian and Alun, take a look at this.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- He's got off the bus. That's a manifesto.- Yes.- Oh, look!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- It's the Prime Minister. - Oh, no, this is tragic.- Go on, son!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Go on, son!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Oh, in the gutter.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08You'd think before you do a photo op with a bowling ball
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- you'd have a practice. - Yeah, a little warm-up.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13But he's not the only Lib Dem person to have trouble bowling a ball.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Yeah, Charles Kennedy.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17There was a wonderful bit of footage in the early days.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18We used to play it every week.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- You haven't got it, have you? - Let's have a look.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30APPLAUSE
0:14:32 > 0:14:37They are consistent, the Lib Dems. Anyway, that was Charles Kennedy.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41So, no, this is the government in the shape of Cameron
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and Clegg putting their stake on the country.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Yeah, it's been a big manifesto week, hasn't it?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51You only get a manifesto once every five years, so it's worth a look.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Yeah.- I expect, John, you've read these, haven't you?- No.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01APPLAUSE
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Does that include the Labour one?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09What did David Cameron try this week? What was his approach?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10It was The Good Life.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13It was a promise to take us back to a '70s sitcom.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19- Shall we have a The Good Life quiz? - Yes, absolutely. OK.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Tom and Barbara, of course, the couple.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25What job did Tom jack in to go self-sufficient?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26BUZZER
0:15:26 > 0:15:29He was in an advertising agency.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30What exactly did he do?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- Was it breakfast cereal?- Oh!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Together, you would make such a great team. He was designing...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38No-one's thought of that(!)
0:15:40 > 0:15:45- He designed the toys that go in breakfast cereal.- Oh, right, yes.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Fancy not knowing that.- Yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53And how else has Cameron been optimistic?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56He's been criticised for being a bit dour.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59People said, "We want passion," so this is passion -
0:15:59 > 0:16:03he is promising to get off with all Ed's girlfriends.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07No, he isn't, that's not in the manifesto.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09But he is trying to show a bit of life, isn't he?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Why has he changed tack? Why has he gone positive?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Because he's a political cross-dresser,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19that's the phrase they've used a lot this week, which is creepy.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I'm glad they didn't do that when you were around, John.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31I always found it difficult with that side of politics.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33If you had been a political cross-dresser,
0:16:33 > 0:16:34what might you have worn?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Don't say you haven't thought about it.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I haven't, no.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I wear boxer shorts, if you're interested.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53I wasn't, but I definitely am now.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57How did the Sun depict the new, optimistic David Cameron?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59They depicted him like this.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Is David Cameron definitely the politician that Buzz Lightyear
0:17:11 > 0:17:12most resembles?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- No.- Let's have a look at another picture.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21APPLAUSE
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Who's that?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26He's a ridiculous toy.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32What were the rays of sunshine in the Tory promises?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Well, having said there was no money, they've now found it.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37So the Tories are just throwing promises out.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Rail fares - they're going to stay where they are for ever.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43If you want free...tax-free childcare, you can have it.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46If you want inheritance - it's all yours.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48What else do you want?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50£8 billion for the NHS?
0:17:50 > 0:17:51- Yeah, done.- ALUN: Yeah, love it.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Whatever Labour are promising, we're promising as well.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56And how are they going to pay for it?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Don't ask.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Osborne got asked the same question by Andrew Marr 15 times.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Osborne wouldn't answer. It's none of our business.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Who heckled David Cameron this week?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Mrs Cameron.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12That may have happened privately.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Publicly, he was heckled by a man with...
0:18:15 > 0:18:16a ukulele.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17- #- BLEEP- back to Eton
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- #- BLEEP- back to Eton
0:18:19 > 0:18:22# With all your Eton chums
0:18:22 > 0:18:23- #- BLEEP...- #
0:18:23 > 0:18:25INDISTINCT EXCHANGE
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- #- ..BLEEP- back to Eton... #
0:18:29 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:33 > 0:18:35That a brilliant heckle, isn't it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I feel the lyrics rather let him down.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- What were they? - I'm not repeating it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42They were "fuck off back to Eton".
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I think that's what it was, wasn't it?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Who is helping out Hannah David, the candidate for Harrow West?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Who was in the campaign trail with her this week?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Was it Eddie Izzard? - Let's have a look.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Oh, there you are.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It's Eric Pickles, of course.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Does he have to be parked like a normal car?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Who's not bothered about the polls? - Me.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Who else?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Nick Clegg.- Nick Clegg.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19But he is going to win, in a sort of way.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Is he? What sort of way is he going to win?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- He's going to be in government again.- Is he?
0:19:24 > 0:19:25How's that going to work?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Well, if no-one wins overall, the Liberal manifesto
0:19:29 > 0:19:30makes it clear that they're
0:19:30 > 0:19:33absolutely committed to whoever is in power.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38What's the new slogan that Nick Clegg is using
0:19:38 > 0:19:40to convey it's all about building a coalition?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I'm no good on my own.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I thought he'd gone a bit Wizard Of Oz.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Cos he said, "I'll be the brains for the Labour Party,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"and the heart for the Tory Party," and then he stopped the quote.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And you're thinking, "There were three of them, weren't there?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59"The Tin Man, the Scarecrow and who was the...?
0:19:59 > 0:20:00"Oh, it was the Cowardly Lion."
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Bad news, I'm afraid.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08It's a final quickfire election bonus question.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I'm going to give you a manifesto quote.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- What I want to know is, what are they on about?- OK.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16What Are They On About? Diddly dee, diddly dee, diddly dee.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19- BUZZER - Ian and Alun.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21JOHN: It's got to be Farage.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It's that Ukip thing. They are going to be in Dover.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:29 > 0:20:31No, that is a Conservative promise.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- It's about research centres for robotics.- I stand corrected.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Yeah.- So let's give the last word to Michael Gove. He was asked
0:20:37 > 0:20:40a question by a journalist who caught him slightly off guard.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Let's have a look.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Too late to win the election? - Hello. Yes.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51On to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- BUZZER - Paul and John?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03The pieces on that chess set seem to be the same colour,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06which kind of takes the fun out of the game. Um, there was
0:21:06 > 0:21:09a guy that cheated in chess who was taking part in the tournament
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and disappeared for a comfort break and then came back brilliant.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15They went into the loo and found a computer hidden in there,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18admitted it was a fair cop,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and they've been thrown out of chess.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Yes, that's absolutely right.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Gaioz Nigalidze his name is.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26And he went into the bathroom, where,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28what did he have on his smartphone?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31A chess thing.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- A chess app.- Chess app. That's it. Chess app.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- A chap.- Do you have a chess app on your smartphone?
0:21:36 > 0:21:40He had a chap on his ring. On his finger. On his...
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Computers and homosexuality, it's all the same thing to me.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49When they caught him,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51his first excuse was that it was his girlfriend's phone.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54And then they said, "You haven't got one, you're a chess player."
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- What's his penalty?- He's not allowed to play chess...- Or think about it.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05He actually faces a ban of 15 years.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Oh, blimey.- Or one game of chess.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11What did he do when he was confronted?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Was it king's pawn to knight seven?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Very good.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Is that... Is that...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I like that.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19I like that a lot.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22It's a chess joke.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29On the subject of gaining an unfair advantage, what cunning ruse
0:22:29 > 0:22:34has German schoolboy Simon Schrader come up with to give him the edge?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35What? In exams?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38It is an edge in exams. How is he going to get the edge?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40He's going to revise properly.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45A strategy unknown to so many young persons.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48It's not that. He has filed...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I like him.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02This is the chess grandmaster who was caught
0:23:02 > 0:23:04cheating by using his smartphone in the lavatory.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07The chess grandmaster has now been forced to resign, which he
0:23:07 > 0:23:10did on the spot by knocking himself over and rolling away.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Let's spin up another picture. Fingers on buzzers.- Yeah.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- BUZZER - Whistling's back.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- ALUN: No, it's dwindling. - It's dwindling.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Fewer people are whistling. Why?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Cos the message has spread that it's really annoying.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- It takes a bit of effort to learn. - More people can speak now.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38The reason given in John Lucas's book...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Apparently, the problem is "the disappearance of classic
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"working-class whistling occupations, such as..."
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Everyone here good at whistling? - No.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54JOHN WHISTLES
0:23:54 > 0:23:58That was me, and I was doing that while drinking a glass of water.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Did you see that?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00APPLAUSE
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- Who is doing their bit to promote whistling in Britain?- Popeye.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06VICTORIA CHUCKLES
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Might not be someone you've heard of.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09It's the pride of Loughborough,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13former International Whistling Champion Sheila Harrod, of course.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Oh, yes.- According to the Times, Sheila still performs...
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Whether people want it or not.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- That's good, she's determined.- Would you like to see Sheila perform?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Yeah, go on, I bet it's good. A good whistler's always worth seeing.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33SHE WHISTLES A TUNE
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Be more impressive if she didn't have a nightingale
0:24:46 > 0:24:49stuck in her hand. But, other than that, very good.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52This is the news that the art of whistling is disappearing
0:24:52 > 0:24:55in Britain. According to the Sunday Times...
0:25:01 > 0:25:05To be fair, he was in bed next to them.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Time now for the Missing Words Round which, this week,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09features as its guest publication,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13the Racing Pigeon. It shits all over other publications.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:17We start with...
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Arrested on Turkish border.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:28 > 0:25:30They've been radicalised, you've gotta watch them.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Yes, four koalas were sent to Singapore from Australia.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Here's one of the koalas on the flight.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Why isn't he watching the film?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Is he expected to open that tin himself?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50That photograph chucks up much more questions than it answers.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Where's his other three friends? - Yeah!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Next...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Pigeons! It's gotta be.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06ALUN: Prescott. Is it grapes?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Grapes, like a fine wine, mature with age.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- It's marathon pigeons. - Marathon pigeons?- Yes.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17A marathon for a pigeon can be up to 600 miles,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21or 500 miles as the crow flies. But then the crow does cheat.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Next...
0:26:27 > 0:26:31- ALUN: Heads. They're a family with huge...- Yeah.- It's a genetic thing.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Is it "range of interests"?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35PAUL LAUGHS
0:26:35 > 0:26:37You're closer with "heads".
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- Is it "sofa"? - Why is that closer to "heads"?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Mouths.- Close enough. - Noses?- It's tongues.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- Why tongues?- Let's have a look at the wide tongues.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Yes, here they are sending off for their certificate.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58The dad of the family, Byron Schlenker, told Metro
0:26:58 > 0:27:01he'd been inundated with requests for autographs. He said...
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I really hope that isn't a euphemism.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08And finally...
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- ALUN: Is it "to live"?- Yes!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Waterboard suspects.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:23"This one's for John Noakes!"
0:27:30 > 0:27:33After winning a competition, three Blue Peter viewers were allowed
0:27:33 > 0:27:35inside MI5 headquarters this week.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37The children's first job as secret agents will be to locate
0:27:37 > 0:27:41this so-called "farm" that all the Blue Peter pets go to live on.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45So, the final scores are -
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Ian and Alun 5 points,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Paul and John 8 points.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:27:57 > 0:28:00And I leave you with news that outside the leadership debate
0:28:00 > 0:28:03in London, David Dimbleby relaxes before he's called into make-up.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12On a building site in Dundee, Labour leader Jim Murphy spots
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Alex Salmond in the street below.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21And on BBC Four's new highbrow music quiz, it's time for
0:28:21 > 0:28:25the ever-popular round of Guess The Mystery Oboist.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Good night.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE