0:00:24 > 0:00:28Next thing we know, my friend Tamsin realises she's late for the school run,
0:00:28 > 0:00:31screeches off, clips him with the front wheel of her new car.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35On the plus side, it is a Prius, so this accident's had a small carbon footprint.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39OK. And, and, and how was he at this point?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Oh, really shocked! Really shaky.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44So I gave him three drops of Rescue Remedy and a Pulsatilla.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49- Pulsatilla?- Well, anyway, then he started having these fits.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51It was terrible. I thought his head was going to fall off.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Well, I immediately thought, Thuja occidentalis.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- Thuja?- You don't think Thuja?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I don't think Thuja's going to stop a cat's head falling off, no.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02No! No! Silly Dorcas!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04No, you'd need a snake venom for that.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Well, anyway, things got much, much worse
0:01:07 > 0:01:09and he started foaming at the mouth
0:01:09 > 0:01:12and making a rattling noise, a bit like this.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! A-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Yeah. That last one's definitely a signal.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Um...it's very clear from looking at, um...
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Mosley.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Mosley. That, um...he's very poorly, isn't he?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Not a lot of quality of life there, is there?
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Oh, God, no!
0:01:28 > 0:01:33No. Poor thing. So, um...I think it's time you, you said goodbye.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Oh! Well, is there anything we can do?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42There really isn't. Not, not when the head has gone.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's hard to put it in lay speak, but, um...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- Australian bush tincture?- No.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- I hear Arnica's very good. - It is, yes, for a small bruise.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52But as I say, he's, um...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Oh. Poor thing.- I know.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Listen, there's two injections. One is a very small injection, it's the muscle relaxant,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02and then the next is a slightly larger needle that's going to put him to sleep. OK?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04OK. He's not going to feel it, I promise.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10(There you go.)
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- I've changed my mind!- Sorry?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I've changed my mind. I'd like to take him home.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- I've given the muscle relaxant. - I'll take him home relaxed.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23When we vets say relaxed, what we really mean is permanently...relaxed.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Well, he only likes to sit on the sofa.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- The thing is...- No, no. I could take him to work with me.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- He'd like that! - You're not listening to me.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- I could pop him under the desk... - Your cat is essentially a windsock!
0:02:39 > 0:02:40I'll sort it for you, I promise.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's the least you can do, given the mess you've made.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You've killed Mosley!
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Um...
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Oh, God!- You've killed...!
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Slight communication issue with Mrs Waterson, Daniel. Um...
0:02:56 > 0:02:57I thought she'd never shut up.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I need her cat cremated by 5.00 tomorrow, if that's OK?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01- All right, but...- No buts.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04No buts, Daniel. And I'm the head vet, remember?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06That means I get the glory animals.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Cats, dogs, a unicorn that needs worming. I'll take that.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12And that means you get...
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Anything that smells, anything that's old or looks violent.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- Yeah. And?- I do the nuking.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20(It's cremating, Daniel.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23(We cremate our clients' beloved pets.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25(OK. What did I tell you?)
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Er...when you're having sex with a lady,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29it's polite to work from front to back.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30(About cremating, Daniel.)
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Oh. Um...don't cut corners by using gravy granules.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Yep.- Don't play Light My Fire in reception,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40don't bellow the phrase, "Time to crisp up kitty",
0:03:40 > 0:03:43in front of the owner.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45(That last bit's very important. Yeah.)
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- So...tomorrow.- Yep.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- June 14th.- Yes, it is.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Battle of Naseby.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55We're recreating it in the park and I get to be Sir Thomas Fairfax.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Yeah. It's brilliant. I've managed to get a real sword, too. Don't ask.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Which is great cos I'm up against that little turd Simon who works in the Co-op.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Remember him? I told you about him,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08he got me in a neck lock when we did the Battle of Stamford Bridge.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11He was going like that! So this is payback, I'm telling you.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- I wrote it down in the diary, anyway. Look.- Great.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16- Oh, what else is in the diary tomorrow?- Yeah.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- Yeah, your birthday.- Yeah!
0:04:18 > 0:04:19# Happy birthday to you... #
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Oh, that's not necessary.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23# Happy birthday to you
0:04:23 > 0:04:26# Happy birthday, cat killer... #
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I honestly did not kill that cat.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33# Happy birthday, she killed a cat. #
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Hi. It's me. Are you all right?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Am I interrupting anything?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Oh, great! No, that's great. OK.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Sorry, it's just a really bad line. Yeah.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Better now. I'm so sorry I haven't called. I've been away working.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Just on an executive conference, you know.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Really, really dull. Yeah.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Remember that night you made me go cross-eyed?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Quite, quite keen to repeat that.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Well, why don't you come by?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13There's a key under the mat because I lock myself out.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Hello? - DOG BARKS
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Fredo, off! Fredo, off!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Hi.- Hi!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- He's going nuts. What you got in there?- Pork chops.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Um....very nervous flyer, so I like to keep them in my hand luggage
0:05:37 > 0:05:40like a...lucky charm. Do you want a drink?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Just water. Thirsty after the gig.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Right. Who was playing?
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Um...I dunno. Someone Scandinavian.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50They totally broke it up, though. So cool.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55It was kind of a mixture between Norwegian post-rock
0:05:55 > 0:05:57and kind of Swedish ambient.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00But mellow, folky, just chilled.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Oh, they were totally deck.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Um...yeah, that sounds, er...really deck.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Um...would you like a yoghurt?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Um...go on. Have a yoghurt.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I'm definitely in the mood for, um...yoghurt.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16No, thank you.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I tell you what I'm going to do, just leave a couple of multipacks here, just, um...
0:06:19 > 0:06:23in case you feel the calcium burn. Stop it!
0:06:23 > 0:06:24DOG SNARLS
0:06:24 > 0:06:26DOG BARKS
0:06:28 > 0:06:30We had a plan, right?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I'm very keen to stick to that plan.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38PHONE: 'Please leave your message after the tone.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42'Happy birthday, Sara! Are you there?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44'We've had our own share of excitement today.'
0:06:44 > 0:06:46It's work. Sorry. I won't be long.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50'We got an email this morning from a lovely Nigerian
0:06:50 > 0:06:53'saying we've won the Lottery in Lagos
0:06:53 > 0:06:57'and all we had to do was send an admin fee of £250.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59'You know I'm a stickler for paperwork.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01'I just posted that cheque.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03'So we've sorted it first thing this morning.'
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Hi, Mum.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07'Oh, you are there. Hello, darling. Happy birthday.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Happy birthday, love.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10- Did you hear that?- Yeah.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14So, 40. Oh, gosh, I remember when you were a baby.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- 'Such a long time ago.' - Isn't it!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18You had a sticking-out ear
0:07:18 > 0:07:21and I was worried it was going to stay that way.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25It did stay that way, but I've got hair now, so it's partially hidden.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27'I don't like to think of you on your own.'
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- I worry, don't I, Donald? - She worries, yes.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I don't like to think of you alone.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Um...actually, I have, um... met someone.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I won't pry, but what's their name?
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Um...Chell. Um...he's a French person
0:07:43 > 0:07:47and he's a salesman for a medical company.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Oh, yes. And what sort of things does he sell?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Legs. Um...mainly legs.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Artificial legs.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Oh, well, that's useful, isn't it?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Very, yeah.- Everyone needs legs.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Yep, don't they!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Listen, your dad and I were thinking of coming down
0:08:03 > 0:08:05because it's been a long time since we visited.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08And there's a restaurant I want to take you to.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12They tell you the name of the specific cow you're eating
0:08:12 > 0:08:14and they show you a video
0:08:14 > 0:08:17of highlights from its life while you're tucking in.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19So maybe all four of us could go there.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Four? Oh, yeah. That would be great.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Well, what about the weekend of the 23rd?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Oh, no, we can't do that because he's...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31away at a withered-limb conference.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Ah. Well, um...a week later?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37No. I'm just looking now. No good. He's playing petanque.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40A week after that? That's six weeks from now.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42You can't be booked up that far in advance.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44That's fine. I'll put it in.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47All right, the 6th. Don't forget.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49No, I won't forget.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Have a lovely birthday.- Mm-hm.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Ooo! Pamela told me about the latest scam in the city.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58These Yardies flash their headlights at you
0:08:58 > 0:09:00and if you flash back, they come and kill you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- I'll bear that in mind.- Please do.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- All right, darling. Bye.- Bye, Mum.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08A-hem!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Sorry, I didn't mean to listen, but it was kind of blaring.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Why did you tell her you had a boyfriend?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20And 40? You said 32.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- I never thought you'd believe me. - I should have known.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24You tap your feet to music,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27you invite someone round for sex and then offer them yoghurt.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Osteoporosis is really on the rise, so it's...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34This is a deeply uncool situation. I mean, I'm embarrassed.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35I'll see you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42BUZZER
0:09:42 > 0:09:45'Hello! Happy birthday.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48'More importantly, I have a new carpet, so shoes off when you come in.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51'Oh, and leave the dog outside. Thank you.'
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Are you taking your shoes off?- Yes!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Mind the paintwork, it's freshly done.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Ooh, it's nice, isn't it?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What is it?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Elephant's Breath? - It's Clown's Ejaculant.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Oh, very posh.- Now, careful over the marble floor,
0:10:09 > 0:10:10it's just been polished.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Lucky enough, I walk very much like this, so natural buffing action.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Actually, you might scratch it.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Oh, you have all the fastidiousness of a gay man
0:10:19 > 0:10:21with none of the redeeming qualities.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Happy birthday!- Thank you.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27So, come on, what's up? Please, try and make it something new.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I don't have the energy to feign interest in the same old crap.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31What do you mean?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Oh, the aging process, your commitment phobia,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- whether to botox your frown line... - Let me stop you right there.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It's same old crap.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- Oh.- I feel shame, Jamie. All the time.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- It's like ivy, creeping around me and I...- Oh!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- I just worry that if I peel it off...- Ooh!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- ..there'll be nothing left underneath.- Yrgh!
0:10:55 > 0:11:00- What?- Just wondering at what point it wouldn't be too rude to interject,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02ask you to get your feet off the table.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Maybe I'll just lug my existential angst over to someone
0:11:05 > 0:11:07who's had sex with something other than a watermelon
0:11:07 > 0:11:09this side of the millennium.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10She's not a watermelon, she's a honeydew,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13her name is Patricia and we're very much in love.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It was here. I'm sure I parked it here.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Zut alors! Nous avons perdu la voiture!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- What?- Quoi?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- Do you speak French?- No. - En francais?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- Non.- Very good. You see, you're picking it up already.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34The reason for the question is...?
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Qu'est ce que c'est le probleme?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37You know, you're now getting to be almost fluent.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Next thing I need to know is,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41do you have a working knowledge of the human skeleton,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43with a particular fondness for "jambes"?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46OK, you have five seconds to tell me what's going on
0:11:46 > 0:11:48before I scream into your sticking-out ear.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Oh, my sticking out ear?- Yeah. - Right, OK, erm...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Well, my mum phoned and she's coming down to visit...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57That's fantastic. It'll be nice to finally meet her.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00..and I told her I had a boyfriend...
0:12:00 > 0:12:04and he was French...and sold legs.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I don't know what came over me either but I was very stressed.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I was in a panic situation and I reacted the best way that I could.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12It's only for one night.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16You'd just be getting the old girl off my case. Come on. Please?
0:12:16 > 0:12:21- S'il vous plait?- You know, I am going to pretend I didn't hear that.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Oh, God, I forgot he was coming.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Is it wrong to want to shave a dog?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Yes, it's extremely wrong.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31It's just, I've just had the car valeted, so...
0:12:31 > 0:12:32What's in the bag?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Work stuff. I need to drop it off en route, if that's OK?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Yeah, sure. What about electrolysis?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Do they do that for dogs?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Stop trying to make my animal bald.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49- Here is your present.- Already I know it's not the lamp that I asked for.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Oh, God, it's started. - What's started?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55The enforced fun.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Oh, no, the enforced fun doesn't start until later!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01This is the statutory embarrassing build-up BEFORE the enforced fun.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Talking of which, come over to mine for dinner. Seven o'clock sharp.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Right, and that's dinner, yes? It's not, erm, it's not a surprise?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11You know I hate surprises.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Cos you know I have a drugs cabinet.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Just open up and give you myxomatosis...
0:13:15 > 0:13:16(of the nuts.)
0:13:18 > 0:13:19It's a risk I am willing to take.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- How could you? - How do you think I feel?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Do you think I wanted to spend a landmark birthday
0:13:24 > 0:13:26careering around an industrial estate
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- with a liquefying tabby on my lap?- Get out! Get out!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Hi, wonder if you could help me.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I run the Parker Lane Surgery and I really need to get this cat...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Welcome.- Thank you.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Welcome to the Green Valley Place of Rest
0:13:41 > 0:13:44for dogs, cats and other companion animals.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46May I say how very sorry I am.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Oh, God, don't worry, it's not my cat!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Then I am sorry for the owner's loss...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57and at the same time saddened they were too disengaged
0:13:57 > 0:13:59to make this final trip themselves.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Please, take a seat and I'll give you our brochures to look at.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07We have the full range of commemorative plaques and statuary,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09including a limited edition Gilbert and George headstone,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12made entirely from injection-moulded pet dung.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Actually, I'm in a bit of a rush...
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Yes, I can see. A birthday.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19How awful to spoil it(!)
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Why not stuff the corpse into a bag
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and dump it en route to the nearest nightclub?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24It's not like that.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The owner wants the cat's ashes as soon as possible, like, today...
0:14:27 > 0:14:29or while I wait, is that...?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32We are not a drive-through crematorium, madam.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35We don't do takeaways.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Here we take care and consideration.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42We hand cremate, we emote...we pray...
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Right, oh, that's good. Well...
0:14:44 > 0:14:48..so when you suggest I casually incinerate this feline,
0:14:48 > 0:14:52you not only insult the memory of the beloved creature itself
0:14:52 > 0:14:55but you insult the care and attention
0:14:55 > 0:14:58that we at Green Valley customarily lavish upon the deceased.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Could we compromise and say if I leave him here
0:15:01 > 0:15:03you'll have him burnt by five?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Only two types of people wear bibs - toddlers and you lot.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12That's all I'm saying.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Yeah, but the skirts are hot.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17There is nothing hot about the nylon pleated mini, Justine.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23Under 25 is pervy wrong, over 25 it's just wrong
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I look like a post-breakdown Britney in this outfit.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28What are you doing?
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Taking on fluids, fuelling my body - I'm just getting into the zone.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35I am...FOCUSED.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Now, excuse me, I need to concentrate on my mantra.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38WHISTLE BLASTING
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Does the vending machine still do fags?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49They've got Mrs Tiggywinkle as goal shooter.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50That's Toria.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54THEY PANT RHYTHMICALLY
0:15:55 > 0:15:59It seems to be some sort of inner city asthmatic haka.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06GONG RINGING
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Who's Toria?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Just an acquaintance.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Oh, really?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Is that some sort of sexual frisson I'm picking up on?- No.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Yes, it is, you're going red!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Shut up, will you?- You're blushing!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Look at you, the Don Juan of netball.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36What's netball?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- This is netball.- Is it? I thought it was basketball.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Didn't you expecting the ball to bounce at least ONCE in five years?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I dunno, I just assumed you weren't very good at it.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49WHISTLE BLASTING
0:16:49 > 0:16:52MUSIC: "Hollaback Girl" By Gwen Stefani
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Oh, YEAH!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Three-second rule!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03ALL: Soon it'll be over, soon it'll be over.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Brilliant!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Ho!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Ah!- Referee?!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Red card! You're going to have a lot of trouble trying to get out of this one.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- WHISTLE BLASTING - All right, I'm going.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You're actually doing me a favour, OK?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Because I don't want to spend my weekends
0:17:26 > 0:17:29playing catch with a load of...big-titted children!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31TORIA LAUGHS
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Did she mean us? - WHISTLE BLASTING
0:17:37 > 0:17:39All right, I'm GOING!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Yes, me, back again.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Just forgot my bag...and my dog.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Thank you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08An... Yep, very aware of just how embarrassing that is on every level.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10So, er...goodbye.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19DOG BARKING AND YELPING
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Excuse me!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24It's all right, stay there, stay there.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Didn't you see the sign? "Dogs on leads"!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32They've been fencing this area with barbed wire all week
0:18:32 > 0:18:34but, no, why do that when you can let it run riot!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- It's so inconsiderate of you... - It's not my dog, love.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Oh. So, sorry. - God, is he all right?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Well, no, actually, he's not all right, he's...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46..fine, considering, actually.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Did you sort him out? Thank you so much.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52It's OK, really. I was just off, on my way to work.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, right. You normally work in the woods?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Yes, er, I'm an apprentice elf.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- I see.- Hm.- OK, so when do you get the hat?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03You are very elf savvy, aren't you?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Er, way off that yet, actually.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- Of course, because that's Fairy Key Stage Three.- Yeah.- Right.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12And what about your ears?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- About six months off that.- OK.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19I'm assuming, as an elf, you work in something craft-based.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21We are actually trying to move away from that stereotype.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23So, I'm an executive.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- An executive?!- What?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Well, that doesn't mean anything!
0:19:28 > 0:19:32It needs to have another word with it, like...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"accounts," or, "sales," or, "advertising" -
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- although, I very much doubt it, dressed like that!- Vet.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40An executive VET?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Yes, we're the most elite type of vet, actually.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Are you a bit embarrassed? - A bit embarrassed, yeah.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46Why?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I dunno. I suppose, people think that vets spend all day every day
0:19:49 > 0:19:51with their fist up an animal's arse and, to be honest,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53that's only 95% of the job.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well, that doesn't frighten me. Hi, I'm Eve.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57I'm Sara.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Thank you for looking after my dog. - You're welcome.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- Right, well...I'm actually in a bit of a rush.- Sure!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Is he going to be OK or should I get him checked out?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12You should, yes, you should definitely get him checked out.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Maybe book an appointment as soon as possible.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17He's going to need antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, painkillers,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- MRI, CT scans, ultrasounds...- Right.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Basically, what I'm saying,
0:20:21 > 0:20:26you could be seeing quite a lot of this netballing elf...vet.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29You mean EXECUTIVE netballing elf vet.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Yeah.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Well, have you got a card?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- I could bring him by your surgery in the morning.- I have, I think...
0:20:35 > 0:20:38somewhere, here. Here you go.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- OK, thank you.- You're welcome.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43You don't really do eye contact, do you?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Not if I can help it, no.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Well, you should try it. You'd be amazed what you might learn.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Come on!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Do you want to come to a party?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Sorry, are you 12?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00No, I just dress like it! Er, it's a surprise.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02For who?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Well, for me, actually.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05The surprise is how good I am at acting surprised
0:21:05 > 0:21:08when everyone jumps out and says, "Surprise!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:09OK.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Should I just surprise you by magically knowing the time and place?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- Yeah, why don't you do that?- OK...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I shall consider it a challenge.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24See ya.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Justine, stop what you're doing and listen to me.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I can't stop anything because I'm not doing anything.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Well, this party that you're NOT organising.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37This is a trap, isn't it? They said you'd do this.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I want to make sure there's going to be NONE of the following -
0:21:40 > 0:21:44jugglers, poets, clowns, strippers, gorilla-grams,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47chocolate fountains, ANYTHING on stilts.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Oh, and, Justine - no balloons.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00BUZZER
0:22:00 > 0:22:01'You are late!'
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Listen, you need to let me in, I've locked myself out and I've got news.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- Come on, let me in, let me in!- No.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Jamie?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Surprise!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Oh-ho-ho! Gosh! I really don't know what to say(!)
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- I'm going to kill you. - Nice to see you made an effort.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Eat, drink, don't spill.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24OK, thank you.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28What's SHE doing here?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I dunno. She came with Justine's mates. Do you know her?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Sort of. On the surface.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Hello, soldier!- Hey, all right? - Yeah. So, did you win?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42You don't tend to change the result when you re-enact battles, so, yes.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43What happened to your head?
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Pike to the forehead. Schoolboy error, that. Patched it up at work.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Well, what about Simon?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Oh, yeah, I think I managed to break his nose
0:22:50 > 0:22:52during a hand-to-hand skirmish.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53I got this rock, right,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55and I was smashing his face in, like that...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57so we're even now.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- I'm going to get a drink. - I thought a soldier never retreated!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04- Hi.- Hi.
0:23:04 > 0:23:10Er...listen, I just wanted to apologise about earlier.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11It's none of my business.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13It's none of my business what you tell your mum.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Actually, you were right.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Oh, I took your key by mistake earlier, sorry about that.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20That's all right, thanks very much.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Surprise!
0:23:22 > 0:23:27Wow! You're here. YOU'RE here. We're all...
0:23:27 > 0:23:28here.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Great. Er...Eve, meet Clara.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- Chiara.- That, as well.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35So, how do you two know each other?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Well, we've just met, really,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40but your friend Daniel was telling me
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- how you can geld a tortoise one-handed.- Yep.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Wow, that's a party trick!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- I could geld him right now. - All right, Eve?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52She popped by work to pick up some ear cleaner and some pooh bags,
0:23:52 > 0:23:53I told her where the party was.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55All right, there?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Oh, I see.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I've turned this sex triangle into an awkward square!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Fredo, NO! Fredo, no, no! It's a new carpet!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It's a NEW... It's a new carpet!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Sara, is that the cat you killed?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- Yep.- I thought you said you'd deal with it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I tried to, didn't I? But it was very difficult.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Who's going to have to speak to the owner tomorrow? That's me.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Thank you very much. Cheers for that.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Why is there a dead cat in your bag?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I like to use it to swing around a room, just to see how big it is.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Why is there a dead cat in your bag?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32She's an executive, they do that kind of thing all the time.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- That word doesn't mean anything. Executive what?- Vet.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Vet?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Why would you tell me you're some globe-trotting advertising guru?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Oh, so I might answer your late-night bootie calls a little bit faster?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Because I'm that shallow?
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Do you know what, next time you fancy a brief, and, might I say,
0:24:51 > 0:24:53deeply unrewarding shag...
0:24:53 > 0:24:54I was very tired!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56..call someone else.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Well, this is turning into quite a surprise party, isn't it?
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a party so much(!)
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Erm, I'm going to go for a fag. Do you want to come?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Just going to wait for the colour in my face
0:25:13 > 0:25:15to dip from Sir Alex Ferguson to just a normal raspberry.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Shush. Everyone, shut up.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Sara, we've some things we'd like to say to you.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Justine, missed a bit. There's a...piece of paw.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I'm not very good at improvising so I've written things down.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Sara, you are smug, intellectually insecure,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39messy and a nightmare girlfriend.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Great speech!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45But you are also, and it pains me to say it, loveable.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Because we love you we want you to be happy.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49So, with that in mind,
0:25:49 > 0:25:53we have clubbed together to get you a mystery gift.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Ooh, hello, this is my bit, isn't it?
0:25:58 > 0:26:03First, you need to pop this blindfold on you.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Now, arms out and follow me.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Am I warm?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Surprise!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Surprise! What's the surprise? - What is she doing here?
0:26:20 > 0:26:24You remember Toria. Toria's a lifestyle coach.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Personal Enhancement Coordinator.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28She is your present from all of us.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31You're going to work with her for the next five weeks,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33she is going to do everything in her power -
0:26:33 > 0:26:35be it workshops, group counselling...
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Drum therapy.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38You said you wouldn't mention that.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Everything so that that when your parents come to visit
0:26:41 > 0:26:45you can look them in the eye and tell them you are a big, old gay.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- Very good, very good. It's a joke, yes?- No.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51And if the time comes, you still can't do it,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Toria has been instructed to do it on your behalf.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57"Hello, Angela, Sara is a big..."
0:26:57 > 0:27:00If you want my advice, you'll go with the first option - far less painful.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02You are going to out me to my mother?!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04What's wrong with you?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05What's wrong with YOU?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08You'd rather have a friend speak French
0:27:08 > 0:27:10and pretend to be your boyfriend than tell the truth.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11You're so scared of who you are,
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- you don't even like telling people you're from Streatham. - I'm not from Streatham.- You see?
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Look, outside is this incredible girl.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20There's ALWAYS a girl.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Yeah, but this one's different.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26And you're always the same. That's the trouble, do you not you see that?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I just need time on my own and then I will do it.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29I don't need her, OK?
0:27:29 > 0:27:30I'm sorry.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34We wanted to get you something we thought would change your life.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36This is it. Be free.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Be happy, for once.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Thank God for you - you're the only other woman here in fancy dress!
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- What is it? Post-breakdown Britney? - TORIA LAUGHS
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Now, I know we didn't get off on the best footing,
0:27:54 > 0:27:58which is a ruddy shame because I'm an awful lot of fun
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- and crazy with a capital B! - TORIA LAUGHS
0:28:03 > 0:28:08- So, come on, come on, give us a big, breasty cuddle.- No, no, no...
0:28:08 > 0:28:12That's it, rock and cradle, rock and cradle.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16But I only wanted a lamp!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd