0:00:22 > 0:00:25This is a nightmare. How do I look?
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Like a rhino that's been to SpecSavers.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Is she here yet?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Yes, but don't worry, your personality'll repel her
0:00:31 > 0:00:32long before she notices the hair.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Please do me a favour - stall her.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Just for five minutes while I sort this out, OK?
0:00:36 > 0:00:37No problem.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hi. Daniel said to come straight in.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hi. How are you?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Wow! What happened?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- You've seen Something About Mary? - Yeah...
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- That. But with an un-neutered tom cat.- Oh.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Yeah. Anyway, how is the...?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Dog?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Yes, got that bit.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57I can't remember if it's a boy or a girl.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I can draw you a diagram...
0:00:59 > 0:01:02No, don't take the fun out of it - I want to see what I can remember.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Right...it's 50/50, isn't it?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Boy?- Is the right answer! - BUZZER
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Oh, now I see them.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15'Testing, testing. Message to the pointy-headed prat.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18'This is Death Warrior. The guy from the needle bank's here.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21'Could you give me the approximate co-ordinates of the sharps, please? Over.'
0:01:21 > 0:01:25This is the pointy-headed prat, your employer, calling bearded bastard.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Saying that the needle bank is exactly where it always is, by the door in the plastic bin.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Sorry, that's Daniel.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Take cretin, times it by pillock, add an ounce of dopey and that's him for you.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39'10-4. Heard that. You forgot to turn the intercom off. Over.'
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Oh!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45OK, so, how's he doing?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48He's pretty stiff, actually. He's still having trouble walking.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Tell you what, rest him up, and come back in a few days and we'll see how he's doing.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Here?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Yes. Why?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I was thinking he might benefit from having his consultations
0:01:58 > 0:02:02in a more...relaxed environment.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Say, in...in...in...the evening?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- Yes.- I'm actually better in half-light. So, works for me.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Preferably somewhere that serves cocktails.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14He loves a cocktail.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Well, what dog doesn't like to just kick back with a pina colada?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I'm trying to think of some dog-based cocktail puns now.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Jack Spaniels and Coke?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Technically a spirit and a mixer, but I will let you off that.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Well, I'll give you a call tomorrow and we'll arrange.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Thanks again.- You're welcome.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Oh, and next time maybe you could make more of an effort with your outfit.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39The least I expect is a white coat and a pair of latex gloves.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45- See you.- Bye.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Daniel, I need you to get me a surgical gown, scrub suit,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57theatre clogs, rubber mask, stethoscope and anti-microbial waders.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59And make them...sexy.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03OK, I'm just going to go on a tea break. So if you can just handle the consults. I'll be back in about 15.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Go on, you can cover for me.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05No.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07What do you mean, "No"?!
0:03:07 > 0:03:11I'm incompetent, remember? Tosspot multiplied by imbecile
0:03:11 > 0:03:14to the power of moron squared.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17That's logged, that is. I won't forget that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Well, that was a joke, because obviously, you're a great person and a brilliant vet and I...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I'm not up to the job, am I? Remember?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Oh, come on, Daniel, don't leave me to do this! I don't know what I'm doing!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I mean...I pop Demerol during consults.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I laugh at bald cats.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I once played keepy-uppy with an anaesthetised hedgehog!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42And the next patient, please.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Good news is you've fast-tracked after that, um, hedgehog situation.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51OK, Julia, if you'd like to take a seat.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Oh!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- That is so lovely.- Really?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Is it an original?- No, I got it at a car boot.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Just gives me something fun to look at when I'm redirecting a chinchilla's colon.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Come on! You've obviously got an eye.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I don't think anyone has ever said that before!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It really lifts the place!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Anyway - you! How can I help you?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Actually, Sara, it's quite sensitive.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23I'm getting divorced.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25It's been very upsetting.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I don't know if you've ever been married, but the pain is...
0:04:28 > 0:04:31absolutely overwhelming. And now I have...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- BUZZER - 'Apologies. Emergency.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- 'Do we see chickens?'- Excuse me.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37'Only there's one been brought in,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40'and from the injuries, it looks like it's been trying to cross a...'
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I think we've sorted that problem. OK. Right, you were saying...?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Well, I suppose things haven't been right for a while.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I guess we stayed together for Rufus.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55And now John wants to move on.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You do know this is a vet's?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Yeah.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00However much I'd like to and you'd like to,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I am not actually legally allowed to neuter your husband.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Well, I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12So am I. I'm very busy!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14THEY LAUGH
0:05:15 > 0:05:18God, no, I'm rambling, sorry.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Rufus is our dog.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20I see.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22He's all I've got left now.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25And I'm worried John is going to take him from me, Sara!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Oh, God!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- SOBS:- He's taking me to court for custody!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35He won't stop until I have nothing!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Did you have any sort of provision in place? Any kind of...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45pre-pup?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Pup-nup?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49No, God, nothing like that.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52John's got another woman in his life.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I don't know why he won't let me keep my lovely boy!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01All right, listen. So what can I do?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04They say you're the best.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Do they? Who says that?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07My friend Tara.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- She said when she got divorced, you fought tooth and nail for her to keep her Rioja.- Rioja?
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Her lizard.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Dry skin? Bulging eyes.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Oh, THAT Tara!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Her lizard, Rioja.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Oh, THAT lizard! Yes.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I just need someone to act as an expert witness on my behalf.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30All you'd need to do is come round to the house,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33do a behavioural study on little Rufus,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36just to confirm he's more bonded to me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37What I'm going to do is get a form, OK,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40and then we'll fill that out and get some more details.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Thank you.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Thank you!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48You know I do like your hair, Sara.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I can't get mine to lift like that.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53What product do you use?
0:06:58 > 0:07:02You two look like you're in a menopausal version of the Dukes of Hazzard!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You should be grateful that one of us has actually passed their test.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Now, that's not fair. I wasn't expecting that clipboard to go down like that, and I panicked.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12You accelerated into a library. Fail.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- Have you finished with that?- No.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16I like eating it to the core,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20leaving it in the open air, and then playing Apple Tanning Salon.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- How long does that take?- Depends on apple size, wind direction...
0:07:28 > 0:07:29- What are you doing?- What's today?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Friday.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Yeah. Friday is...?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35The day before the night that's all right for fighting?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It's the day you're supposed to go for life coaching with Toria, remember?
0:07:38 > 0:07:43You were supposed to go on Monday, but you cancelled. I wouldn't mind, but we paid a lot of money for this.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44I haven't paid anything yet.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Justine, just be quiet and watch your apple go brown.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- What's wrong with him? - He's in a very bad mood.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Some posh woman has been winding him up at work.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Vile little Sloane.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I mean, who cares about the exact dimensions of a shoe cupboard?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- You?- No.- Yeah.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- No.- Yes!- Anyway, you'd love her. - What do you mean, I'd love her?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Come on, you adore those rich girls.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- You're scared of them, but they excite you.- Rubbish.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- You're desperate to be in their gang.- Rubbish!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Anyway, we're wasting time - get in.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15You won't go and see Toria on your own, fine.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I shall have to treat you like a child. Get in!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I don't want to go!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Are we nearly there yet?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Now, listen.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28You have got five weeks before you need to come out to your parents,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31so we better crack on. Now, a few things about me first.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I'm 42, GSOH,
0:08:34 > 0:08:35non-smoker,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38and I'm looking for a once-a-week, no-strings hook-up.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40SHE GUFFAWS
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Are you like this with all your clients?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Oh, absolutely! Absolutely.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48What you need to know is that I'm not a life coach.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I'm a personal development leader.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54I've got six degrees, and before you ask, only five of them are from the internet.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56SHE GUFFAWS
0:08:56 > 0:09:00And I've developed a program - AHEL. A-HEL.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01A-HEL. Right.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Acceptance, health, encouragement, learning.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Do you think that acronym would work better if it was HEAL?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Health through encouragement, acceptance and learn...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That is absolutely wonderful!
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Do you know it spells "heal"? I'll have that if I may. Yes?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18By all means.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20BOTH GUFFAW
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Now, I work through a variety of mediums.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25A dollop of Jung,
0:09:25 > 0:09:29a splash of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a touch of Shamanism
0:09:29 > 0:09:30and some hypnosis.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Hypnosis?! Oh, you can't be serious.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37It's very, very effective. Gets you nice deep and relaxed.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40First patient I hypnotised - terrible phobia.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Of what?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Paul McKenna.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Now, I thought we might do some suggestion work today.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51So, if you just shut your eyes.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Right.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55You are feeling sleepy.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Isn't that what got Snow White nicked?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Just relax your toes into the carpet.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Through your feet...feeling heavy.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Up through the ankles,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Heavy and relaxed.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09So...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11JUSTINE HUMS "The Birdie Song"
0:10:11 > 0:10:12CLAPS
0:10:14 > 0:10:16What's happened to her? What have you done to her?!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Nothing.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20"The Birdie Song" PLAYS
0:10:21 > 0:10:24She must have had some stage hypnosis in the past.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25It hasn't left her system.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I don't know what the trigger is! I can't stop her!
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Are you telling me she could be doing The Birdie Song for the foreseeable future?!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33If they haven't set her on shuffle, yes!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35TORIA GUFFAWS
0:10:39 > 0:10:40That's the routine.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I live pretty simply now I'm in recovery.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45But you know...
0:10:45 > 0:10:47We muddle along.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I'm sorry. I just...I had no idea.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Yeah.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54So, what now?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Now I just write up the report and we'll go from there, basically.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58But, um...
0:10:58 > 0:11:02It's pretty obvious that Rufus is very devoted to you.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05He's my whole world.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08That boy's my whole world, Sara.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Thank you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Is that an original?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19My friend bought it for me.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21He's in the film business.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Oh, really?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Yes. Kip.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Kip...?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Schwitzendorf.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Ooh!
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Ahhh!
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Don't know him.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh! Um...
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Dutch Kung Fu champion?
0:11:35 > 0:11:36No?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38He was in Raw Meat.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40The Purge?
0:11:40 > 0:11:41The Assassinator?
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Oh!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44The...Assassinator?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Yes!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47He's over to promote his new action movie.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Hey!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Why don't you and your friends come along to his drinks night?
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Oh, say yes, Sara! It's the least I can do to thank you for your time.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Well, that would be amazing! Thank you.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Listen...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Don't panic if you see John out there.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06He's come round to pick up his stuff from the garage.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11- I really hope he's not going to be horrid.- Don't worry, I am going to channel some of Kip's moves.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Oh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Oh, God, Sara, I am so sorry. Right in the cabbage!
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Bye.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27All right.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30No, it's not too much.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I love you, so nothing's too much.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Yeah, I'll be round as soon as I can.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39M'lud...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41M'lady...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43and M'jury...
0:12:44 > 0:12:48In my professional opinion,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50this canis lupus...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Lupus, not lucid...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Why are you auto-correcting that?! Lupus!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00"Canis pubis" isn't a word, right?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06This dog would be best suited to residing
0:13:06 > 0:13:10with Mrs Julia...
0:13:10 > 0:13:11BUZZER
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- 'Hi. Your carriage awaits.' - You're early.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21'Yes, well, I thought I could clean your bath.'
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Victory!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25'Is that terrapin still in it?'
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, God, well remembered. Listen, come up.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I think we are third in the league.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Which means, if we win today, and Harriers lose, then we get to be runners up. I think.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I'm not really interested in the scores.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I only watch it because I like the squeak the trainers make.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Why are you wearing that gear? - Why are you not?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Did you not get the email?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Oh, sorry, Justine. To be honest, I haven't read your emails for months.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Why not?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51CACOPHONY OF ELECTRONIC MEOWING
0:13:53 > 0:13:55No reason.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56The other team pulled out.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Both their goal attacks got a stomach bug.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Daniel suggested we go on a team-bonding trip.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Daniel? Why's he involved?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07I don't know, but whatever it is, he's taking it very seriously.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12OK!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Listen up, soldiers.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You've been put into two different teams.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Your task is to capture your opponent's flag,
0:14:22 > 0:14:23whilst protecting your own.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27ALL: YES, SIR!
0:14:27 > 0:14:30There is no way I am wearing a camouflage boiler suit.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Well, I can swap you with my netball kit, if you want?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35First team to wipe out the other team wins.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37He's not a real soldier.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38You load your gun...
0:14:39 > 0:14:40..like so.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44For starters, look at his shoes. They're not properly shined.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46And the way he's holding that weapon -
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I don't think he's seen any real combat.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Shut up! I'm trying to listen to the safety briefing.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I need to know if I'm taking orders from the real deal here.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55OK. Any questions?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Yes. Will it be this muddy out on the field?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02There's mud everywhere, metrosexual. Now let's get to it!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Lock and load, you urban muffins!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08HE ROARS
0:15:08 > 0:15:10ALL: Aaaaaarghhh!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Aaaaaarghhh!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Aaaaaarghhh!
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Aaaaaarghhh!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Aaargh...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Why are we going "Aaaaaarghhh"?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I was copying Daniel.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24We need to have our own battle cry.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Wooooohooooo!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Wooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooo-oooh!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Maybe not that. Um...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35What the hell!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37ALL: Wooooohooooo!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Who's left?- Just you and me.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14What? Where's Stacey?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- No, she...- Not another misfire?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- Yeah, I'm sorry! I just don't know how to work this thing.- Easy, easy!
0:16:20 > 0:16:21GUNSHOT
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- Right, I think they've just got Jamie and Daniel left and that's it. - No, they could be anywhere.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I think I'm going to sit out the rest of this goddamn war!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You bet.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Phew!
0:16:33 > 0:16:34I've got biscuits.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Ooh!- Do you want one?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44How much do you know about action movies?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Everything.- Yeah?- I love them. Test me.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Do you know some guy called Kip?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Kip Schwitzendorf?- Yeah.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Oh, my God!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54He's my favourite!
0:16:54 > 0:16:55I'd never heard of him.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00Are you mad?! Tank Baby? Dark Crevice? The Assassinator?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Yes, well, I know that now, cos I looked him up. He did Blow Off...
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Massive Metal Trousers...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Infinite Overkill.- Yeah.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Oh, and my favourite...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Busy Fist.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Welcome to the fist!
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Busy Fist 2.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15This fist just got busier!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Busy Fist 3.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Same crew...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20BOTH: Even more fisty!
0:17:22 > 0:17:23How would you like to meet him?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Stop messing around. If you're messing around, I will kill you.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Lower your weapon, soldier. I kid you not.- Aaah!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33This mud! I would never have worn these trousers.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Like blotting paper. Couldn't we have done this...?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Shall I put him out of his misery or do you want to?
0:17:38 > 0:17:42There are so many state-of-the-art playing surfaces that...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Oh, no! No, no, no. Please.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48For God's sake, this is a cashmere mix! No!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Have some... Oh, God!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03You...
0:18:03 > 0:18:04bastards.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07GUNSHOT
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28SHE INHALES DEEPLY
0:18:28 > 0:18:31NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33SHE COUGHS
0:18:35 > 0:18:37You all right? Right!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Come on, just do it! Paint me.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Consider yourself redecorated.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I don't know. I was face down in the mud, remember?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Contemplating my dry cleaning bill.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00One minute she was fine, the next, crazy.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03It's the shock of being shot. I don't know.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I just want it to stop!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07SHE HUMS "The Birdie Song"
0:19:10 > 0:19:15- What do we do?- Well...we just need to, um...find the trigger.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- What trigger?- Fire words at her, see if one of them works.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Meringue. Giblets.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Jeremy Hunt.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Trouser. Radiator. Atlantic.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Meerkat.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Genital cuff.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29HORN TOOTS
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Sara!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Hi!- You OK? You've been in a fight?
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Oh, this?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41No, I, um... Just been throwing around a few paint swatches with some friends.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You know interior design types - they can get very heated.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48I was dropping your invite round. Hey, I'm off shopping. Fancy joining?
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Yeah, I'd love to! That would, um... Yeah.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Hop in!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04That was fun - I'd love to do it again sometime.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Yeah, me too.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I...got you something.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Just to say thank you, you know, for everything.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Really, you shouldn't have!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21SARA ROARS
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Really! You shouldn't have.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Wow! Team that with a pair of combats
0:20:25 > 0:20:27and a little bomber jacket and THAT...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29is...HOT.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Hi, I'm Julia.- Sorry! Julia, Eve. Eve, Julia.- Hi.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47So, how do you two know each other, then?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Oh, we don't really, but...
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I'm hoping to be civilly partnered to her in the next fortnight
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and then we can start our care home for bullied cats.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- She's joking.- I'm not remotely joking.- She's joking.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- That's lovely.- So how do you two know each other?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Oh, we just met last week, didn't we, Sara?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Yes, we did. She's asked me to study her dog.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12That's how it starts.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Well, you look busy, so...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I'll leave you to it.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Bye!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Oh, I'm so glad you like it!
0:21:22 > 0:21:23It's cos you love animals.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Yes, sort of love/hate!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Oh, it's just so YOU!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30THEY ROAR
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Hi, sorry I'm late. - Hello, this is...
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Why are you dressed like a woman?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Julia.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Nice to meet you.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Oh, my God, is that him?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Is that Kip? Why isn't he wearing his uniform?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Because he's not really a Marine.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Because that was in a film.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Remember how we had that conversation about films being different from real... No, you don't remember?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Remember that time you went up to Daniel Radcliffe and asked him for a game of Quidditch?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Bodyguards bundled us into the car...
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I don't know why you insist on calling him Daniel Radcliffe.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03His name's Harry.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05OK, nice!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I'm going in!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I should go and keep a close eye on her.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Her hands do tend to get a little bit wandery.- Hi.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Sorry, I've spent the best part of the day to get that paint from under my fingernails.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Why are you dressed like a prostitute?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Excuse me!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I have changed stylistic direction, courtesy of my new friend.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Please tell me you are not pointing to the girl with the pearl earrings.- Yep.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31That's her! That's the irritating cow I've been dealing with at work.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33How can you be friends with her?! She's evil.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37"I need a retro-fitted recess in mother-of-pearl for my nail varnish."
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Haven't you heard of minimalism?!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- That doesn't sound like her at all.- Well, it is.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42She's making a break from her husband
0:22:42 > 0:22:44because he spends all his time with his sick mum
0:22:44 > 0:22:47and she wants to find someone young and rich who can spoil her.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- You've SO got the wrong person. - I SO haven't.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- You so have.- I so haven't.- Why don't you say hello to her?- I'm going to.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Hi! Just been talking about you.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Hello!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Yeah. So I get up, I eat a pack of eggs and maybe a protein shake,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04then I go and do bench press
0:23:04 > 0:23:06and maybe pound a bag for a couple of hours.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Then I have a ham...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Wow!- If I'm training, I might have maybe two ham.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Yeah. We have then a kilo of pasta,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and then I'm down to the swimming pool doing laps to get the trapeziums nice and strong.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Then it's in the weight room for the rest of the day.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Let me tell you something. When you lift 120,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27130 pounds...
0:23:27 > 0:23:30to me, it is a truly spiritual experience.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Wow! 120, 130 pounds? How much is that in animal?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I don't understand.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Is it an otter?
0:23:37 > 0:23:38I don't know what that is.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39A large badger?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41It's about like a kangaroo.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Really? Wow. - Yeah, about exactly a kangaroo.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Do you think you could lift me?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Oh, yeah, easy.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Easy. No problem.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50SHE GIGGLES
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Yeah, I'd say you're slightly less than a kangaroo.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- More like a snow leopard.- Really?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Hi.- Hi. This is Kip. He eats ham
0:23:59 > 0:24:01and he lifts kangaroos.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Nice to see you. - Ah, a working girl.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05We have a lot of you in Amsterdam, where I live.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah, it's legal there. It is better.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Yeah, I'm actually not a...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Can I get you a drink?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I'm not drinking, actually.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15OK. Oh, listen, I need a vodka milkshake.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16And do you serve bacon?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17OK.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19So why aren't you drinking?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I'm in solidarity with Julia. She's...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23HE LAUGHS
0:24:23 > 0:24:25But Julia drinks like a fish!
0:24:25 > 0:24:28No, she doesn't, because she's in recovery.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Oh, yeah. No, recovery, certainly.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33For shoplifting. Yeah, it's an addiction.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37She can't go into a shop and not take something home with her.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Pretty sad.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- JULIA:- Oh, God, I need another drink!
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Even I couldn't talk to her without laughing - it's like looking at one of The Proclaimers in drag.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57One more day of playing best mates and then I can get shot of her.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01You've only had to hang with her for a few days. I had six weeks.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Six weeks!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I don't know why you want that stinking dog anyway.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10He's only going to moult all over your new flat. That's why I got a lizard.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14I don't want him. I just don't want John to have him.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Poor, little sad John.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- Thanks for the dress. Where did you get it?- Oh, I just picked it up.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23I love it.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Right! Back to it, girls.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- What's up? You OK?- Yeah.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31I'm just an idiot, that's all.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I'm just a total and utter idiot.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37I didn't see the signs.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40When I went to the house, I noticed Julia had brown dust in the palm of her hand,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42consistent with dry dog food residue.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Which was also on the outside of her left jacket pocket,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47which means that's where the dog treats were kept
0:25:47 > 0:25:49and why Rufus was sitting so obediently next to her.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53As I left the house, I noticed that John had a bulging pocket to his right
0:25:53 > 0:25:54and damp was coming through,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57as if something recently wet had been put inside, like a used handkerchief.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01He was turning his face away NOT because he was trying to hide an infidelity,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05but because he was embarrassed by his tears.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07He was talking loudly on the phone, we means he either a bad line
0:26:07 > 0:26:09or was talking to an elderly relative.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11The fact that the phone was brand new
0:26:11 > 0:26:14and top end leads me to believe it was the latter.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17The senior in question? Most probably his mother, seeing as he was gentle
0:26:17 > 0:26:20and moderated his vocabulary on the phone.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22The trouser fibres just above his knee were flattened
0:26:22 > 0:26:24in a straight line, indicating a pressure point
0:26:24 > 0:26:27consistent with that of a wheelchair, serial number 4567290.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29The type favoured by Virgoan male with Aries rising.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Down a little and just left to his calf,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34the presence of three different types of dog hair,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36tricoloured, and a slight tang of ear mite,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38indicating a long ear canal consistent with a Bassett Hound...
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Rufus.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Which means, of course, that HE is he is the primary carer and NOT Julia.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46No shit, Sherlock.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50Do you know I have no idea what you're talking about,
0:26:50 > 0:26:51but damn, you are good.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55I really don't know what to do.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00You know what you've got to do. The most awful thing imaginable.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Kill her?- No, no, no. You're going to do the right thing.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Tell the court the truth.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11- Is this your friend?- Yeah.- Yeah. She was fun, but now she's gone weird.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Listen, I'd love to stay, but I'm hypoglycaemic.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18So I need to eat a turkey and punch somebody or I'm going to explode.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19- Wow.- OK?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22"The Birdie Song" PLAYS
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Oh, God, here we go.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26- Peter Purvis.- Trousers.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Sausages.- Snap out of it.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- Toast.- Hedgerows.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Tired now!- Snake's eyes.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- What's wrong with you? - Shopping centre.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- Psychiatry.- Thurrock. - They have injections.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- M25.- Big fat bum.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- House boat.- Pork chops.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Aeroplane.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44She's out!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46She's out!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd