0:00:11 > 0:00:14- Do I look all right? - Of course you do. You look gorgeous.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Please! Will you just look at me and tell me I'm all right!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19I'm nervous, and I'm trying to make a good impression.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Don't worry, you are a definite improvement
0:00:21 > 0:00:23on the other women I've brought home.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26You've got your own teeth, no tattoos, and matching shoes.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31I've never been to Newcastle before.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Whoa. We're not in Newcastle, we're in Hebburn.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Hebburn, where dreams come to die.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I can't see anything wrong with this place.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43All right, watch this.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48All right, Big Keith? Formal wear this evening, is it?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Me shirt's in the wash, man.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54See that? Not "me good shirt", "me shirt".
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Do you think your mum and dad will be OK about it?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Yeah, I reckon they'll be fine. "Hi, Mam, this is me girlfriend.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04"Well, she's not really me girlfriend,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07"we got drunk on holiday in Vegas and now we're married.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"Pass the sprouts. Oh, you can't, you're having a fatal seizure."
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Maybe we shouldn't tell them.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Look, we're telling them. We are married.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20You are my wife. And I could not be prouder of that fact.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24For God's sake, will you take your bloody wedding ring off?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Hutchy, man, put it back!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Jack, are you back?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It would appear so.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Tell your dad not to worry, I'll get his hanging basket back.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Hiya.- Is this your lass?- Aye.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07< Wazzock!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Hutchy, come back here, you little sod. Welcome to Hebburn, pet.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14OK, now remember, show no fear.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16They can smell fear.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Hello?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26EXCITED SQUEALING
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Hiya.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Hello.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33All right, you lot, calm down, calm down.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY
0:02:35 > 0:02:37All right, everyone, enough, please!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Everyone, this is Sarah. Sarah, this is me mam.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Welcome, pet.- Hello.- You're real.
0:02:43 > 0:02:49We thought he was making you up! Aren't you gorgeous?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- We've got the whole weekend planned for you.- Oh, great.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Sarah, this is me gran, Dot.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Pleased to meet you.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I'll best get a good look at you now, pet,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00because the next time I see you, I could be a corpse.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Gran, don't start.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08Eileen on our block, she saw her grandson at his wedding
0:03:08 > 0:03:13and the next time he saw her, there she was, waiting for him, dead.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14She died at the wedding.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Oh, I'd love to die at a wedding.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It'd be nice, wouldn't it, to die at a wedding?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Everybody dressed up posh.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Dot, could we talk about something which doesn't involve you
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- or any of your friends dying?- Oh.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I'm Vicki. His sister.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33You're not as busty as he usually goes for.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Still working for the Diplomatic Service?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38He thinks we're too common for him these days.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39But we're not, Sarah.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42We can be as classy as any of your posh new friends in Manchester.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43- MOBILE RINGS - Hiya, Denise.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Well, just whack some yoghurt on it, pet.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50No, plain. Not black cherry, man.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Well, if black cherry is his preference, just go with that, then.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Where are me manners?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58I haven't offered you a cup of tea yet. Cup of tea, Sarah?
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Lovely, thanks.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03And for you, our Jack, your favourite, double bacon sandwich.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Bacon sandwich, Sarah, pet?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Um... I don't really eat bacon.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09You're not a vegetarian, are you?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- No, no.- Oh, thank God for that. I can't have them in the house.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14What sort of person eats a bean-burger
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- and expects to be taken seriously? - It's just that I'm Jewish.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Oh! Jewish?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25That's wonderful!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I'll just need a quick word with your dad.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Is that them? Is me boy here?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yes, look, you. That, out.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- What's wrong, woman?- Jewish. - You what?
0:04:46 > 0:04:51- Sarah's Jewish, for Christ's sake. - Oh, for Christ's sake. She's not vegetarian as well, is she?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54No, we're clear. She can stay. Now, get that bin over here.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Bin? What for?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58We're not oppressing her with forbidden smells.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Not on her first visit, anyway.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Her people have been through enough.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06What a waste!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I could have at least have had that under the extractor fan.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That pig's died for nowt now.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Eee, that poor lass. What will she think of us?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Pauline, will you calm down and stop fussing?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20You've got to let people like you for you. I like you for you.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22What you like's not important, Joe.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24What have I told you? Stop sparing my feelings.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29Look, here, bread buns, apple corer.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Why, what am I doing?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35You're making bagels, Joe, bagels.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Y'after?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Got ye them DVDs.- Nice one.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Did you get X-Men First Class?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Aye, but it's got Arabic words going across the bottom.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Fine, I'll put gaffer tape on the telly.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52And give us this hanging basket back. Right, we said 20, didn't we?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55You might have done. I said 25.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Right.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I'll see yer later.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Tosser!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I've never met anybody who's fully Jewish before.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I went out with this lad who had his hoodie down, if you know what I mean,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18but I don't think that makes him proper kosher, does it?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Erm...no.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23We had a Jew in the war! He lodged with us.
0:06:23 > 0:06:29Oh, lovely fella, he was. Very smooth, not a hair on him.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Oh, Gran, that's enough.
0:06:30 > 0:06:36I'll just shut up, then. I'll just sit here being ignored as usual.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Then back to wait to die in the cell block.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It's sheltered accommodation, Gran.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45It's bloody Death Row, that's what it is.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47And no-one ever comes to visit.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Margaret next door to me,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51she's forgotten what her own kids look like.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53She's got Alzheimer's!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55At least she's got something.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Ah, lovely, sandwiches.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Bagels! We're having bagels.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06Aren't these just buns with the middles cut out?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Bagels, Vicki, we're having bagels.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Hello, flower, I'm Joe, Jack's dad and chief bagel-cutter.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- Hello.- All right, son?
0:07:15 > 0:07:16HE CHUCKLES
0:07:16 > 0:07:20So how long you been with our Jack?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Oh, nearly a year now, isn't it, Jack?- Yeah.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Ooh!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28A year! So youse have done the I love yous, then, haven't you?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Yeah, we ticked that box a while ago, thanks.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- How was your drive up, son? - It was all right. A1 was chocka.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36But once we got past Scotch Corner, it was all right,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- but there's still roadworks on that bypass.- Hey, mind your manguage!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Manguage? What's manguage?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45When Geordie blokes are in danger of having to talk
0:07:45 > 0:07:48about their feelings, they start speaking manguage.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Eeeh. I've got mad period pains.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57- Mind you, the Tyne Bridge has been at one lane for about six months. - Six months, aye?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Shall we adjourn to the lounge?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, we haven't adjourned for ages, have we?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Oooh, a journey. Are we going on a journey?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07We're going into the good room with our bagels.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Bagels?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Jewish bread, Dot. We got some in for Sarah.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Oh, I love sitting in the lounge.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17We only use it on special occasions.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20We haven't been in there since the X Factor final.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Although we never go in there when I bring a new boyfriend home.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26We don't want to wear the carpet out.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Dad!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Now, Sarah, here's a coaster. We got these from the Vatican,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36but you'll be all right with that, won't you?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40I mean, you probably get points for putting a cup of tea on the Pope's face.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Erm...thanks.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45And what do you do? Are you a journalist like our Jack
0:08:45 > 0:08:47or do you have a proper job?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I'm doing my PhD in psychology at the minute.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Psychology, the study of psychos.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57A PhD? You'll be going out with a doctor soon, our Jack!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00She's a doctor? Get over here, pet.
0:09:00 > 0:09:06I've got some unknown seepage and they cannot tell us what it is.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09And are your mam and dad psychologists too, pet?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11They own a shoe shop in York.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- Shoes?- York?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I love shoes, I love York.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19York. So down south, then? Very cosmopolitan.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21And do they live above the shop?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23All right, youse lot, stop giving her the three degrees
0:09:23 > 0:09:25and let's get down to it.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Now, we asked youse up here because we've got some news
0:09:30 > 0:09:34and we wanted us all here together, because it affects all of us.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh! Are we getting a sunbed?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Your dad's retiring.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Can we still get a sunbed?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- Retirement? That's what killed my Stan.- Mam!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'm sorry to hear that.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's all right, pet, he was a bastard.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Does that mean I can get a lift to work every day?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Ooh, selfless as ever.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Now, stop it, youse two! This is important!
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Your dad is giving up the Merchant Navy and he's coming home for good.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Wow. So why the early retirement?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04There comes a time in a man's life
0:10:04 > 0:10:07when he has to take a long, hard look...
0:10:07 > 0:10:10At his test results. Your dad's heart's knackered.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12He needs a bypass.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Are you going to die, Dad?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18No, of course he's not. You're not, are you?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I'm not going to die. I just have to take it easy.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Or as easy as your mam will let us take it.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Cos if you die, I've got nowt to wear to a funeral.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30And I'll be dead sad at the time so can I have a new black dress now?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Not now, Vicki! This is important!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Your poor dad can't even run up stairs any more.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36He comes to bed huffing and puffing these days.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Doesn't stop for an hour before he can sleep.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Ohhh, is that what it is?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Thank God for that.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48The walls are thin in this house. Remember that, Jack.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Eh?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51The walls are thin.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Remember that time when he brought that asthmatic girl back?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I thought he was strangling her.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You know, in a sexy way?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Oh, no. We wouldn't. I mean, we don't!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Well, we do. Well, not the strangling thing...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Anyway, not here.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- It's Denise.- I know.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31All right, Denise? What y'after?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Talk to it! Talk to it! Talk to it!
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Jack's back.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41Where? Does he still have dreamy eyes and hair that makes you quiver
0:11:41 > 0:11:43and when he spoke, did he get furious hips?
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Your dad coming home for good will mean we'll have to tighten our belts and make it work as a family.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I'm not paying rent. I'll get pregnant and get a council flat, but I'm not paying rent.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54No-one's paying rent! Will you listen to your mother?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57We can't afford to keep your gran in the retirement village.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Village of the Damned.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01She's going to move in here with us.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05She's not sharing my room! Not with her snoring and the seepage.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Oh, no, Jack's going to come up over the next few weekends
0:12:08 > 0:12:11and convert the other sitting room into a bedroom for her.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Am I? I didn't spot that in me diary.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Look, Dad, I'd love to help, but, you know,
0:12:16 > 0:12:17I've got me book on the weekends...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Jack, you can read your book anytime.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Son, I need you to do this.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Yeah, OK, then. Yeah.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39It was definitely Jack, and he had a new lass with him.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I'm not interested in Jack. I'm interested in his sister.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Was Vicki there? Did she say anything?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Still not talking to you?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50No. The occasional blank text, but apart from that, nothing.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54See, the thing I've come to accept about women is
0:12:54 > 0:12:58they're very keen on you not shagging other women.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I know, I know. I'm a slave to me loins.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04I got carried away with the rock and roll lifestyle, the buzz,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- the glamour.- Glamour?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You're a pub singer. In this pub.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Sure, this may just be a pub to you,
0:13:11 > 0:13:16but when I climb onto that stage and open up my lungs...
0:13:16 > 0:13:17something magical happens.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Aye, everyone disappears.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Hey, this gig is just a springboard for me.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26OK, I may have messed up on the cruise ships,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28but I'll be leaving Hebburn soon enough.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Look at Jack, he got out.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33And now he's back. And he doesn't look too happy about it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35If you want to fix things with Vicki,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39perhaps I could interest you in the ultimate romantic DVD double bill.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43How's about...Love Actually and...Ross Kemp On Gangs?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53GROANS
0:13:53 > 0:13:55What's wrong?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You said they never go out. I didn't bring any going out clothes.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It's just Hebburn. It's hardly Hollyoaks.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I've been to weddings where I was the only one not wearing a tracksuit.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- It might mean nothing to you, but I'm trying to make a good impression.- They already love you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Look, I thought we just had a kitchen downstairs,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14turns out we've got the North East's premier bagel factory.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Now every time we come up, our Vicki can show you round Hebburn.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Hmm. That sounds like it'll be an education.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I told you what she was like, didn't I? She's just a loveable slapper.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Would you like me to be a loveable slapper?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29I'm afraid not, my lady, for I am a married man.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31When are we going to tell them we're married?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I'll sound me mam out at the pub.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37I'll tell her I'm thinking of popping the question or some old shite.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Some old shite? Why thank you, Mr Darcy(!)
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Is that what proposing to me was?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43KNOCK ON DOOR
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Come on, youse two. The loveable slapper wants to leave now.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Thin walls, Jack! Thin walls!
0:14:58 > 0:15:02# So release me
0:15:02 > 0:15:06# And let me love again. #
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Thank you, thank you.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Well, I'm just going to take a quick break, folks.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28So you fill your glasses, and I, Gervaise, will be back
0:15:28 > 0:15:31to fill your hearts with the gift of song.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I'll actually be crooning you some of my favourite songs
0:15:37 > 0:15:41from one of my favourite films. Can you guess what it is?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- The Passion of the Christ! - Deep Throat!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Manon des Sources?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47All good guesses, but no.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- The Artist?- You'll kick yourself when you hear it.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I'll kick you when I hear it.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters II! - Hello, ladies.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- A few rowdy lads in tonight.- Uh-huh.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Oh, God.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Welcome to my palace of song.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11What would you have the emperor sing?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Do you know the one that goes, "I was going out with this lush lass,
0:16:15 > 0:16:16"then I went away on a cruise ship
0:16:16 > 0:16:18"and shagged a cocktail waitress in the stern,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"thinking the lush lass wouldn't find out
0:16:20 > 0:16:24"but it turns out the slut was the lush lass' cousin's best friend's niece?"
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- Do you know that one?- I...
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- No! I didn't think so. - Vicki, I...- Face!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Vicki, wait!
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Eee! Pauline Pearson! I haven't seen you for ages pet!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Hiya, Siobhan, flower. We're out celebrating. Joe's retiring.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- His heart's knackered.- Aw, smashing.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50How's your mam, Siobhan?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52They reckon the HRT is helping.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54But some days, to be honest,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57she looks like a sweaty Ross Kemp with a perm.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Hiya, Siobhan.- Hiya, Joe. I hear your heart's knackered.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- Yeah.- Where's Sarah and our Jack?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06He's keeping her company while she has a tab.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Oh, I didn't know she smoked.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- You don't smoke.- I know, I know. I just wanted a moment alone.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Aw. Are they doing your head in?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I know Mam's driving can be a bit...chilling.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17It was like an Alton Towers ride.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19The people carrier is a prized possession, though.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22It's easily overtaken the hostess trolley.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Right, then, let's commence operation We Might Be Thinking Of
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Getting Married, Even Though We're Actually Already Married.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Let's go.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- What you want to drink, Sarah? - Oh, pinot grigio, please.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Huh! We don't do cocktails, flower.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Oh. Wine?- No bother. We've got red and white.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Or I could do you a half and half. You know, rosy.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- White, please.- Pint for you, Jack?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Jack just drinks wine too, don't you?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- HE CHUCKLES - Oh, does he now?
0:17:55 > 0:18:00And would his lordship like some posh crisps with the sea salt and...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02lamb pepper.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I'll just have a pint, cheers, Dad.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Pint of wine it is.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07No, just lager, Siobhan.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Hiya, Denise.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Hiya, Vick. Hiya, Jack.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Hello, Denise.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Denise, you look proper lush.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Denise, this is Sarah, Jack's new lass.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Hello.- She's Jewish, Denise.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Is that what you're into these days?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Sarah, this is Denise that was on the phone before.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31So how's the patient?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Sorted now, thanks, pet. I just chucked a Yakult on it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Do you still like Yakult, Jack?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40No, I got put off it.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Shame.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Sees youse later.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Is that er... Is that Sheila Fairclough over there?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Aye, she must've nodded off again.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57You look at her now, you'd never think she was Miss Hebburn 1979, 1980 and 1982.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- What happened in '81? - Risley Remand Centre.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Fighting at the semi-finals. Town crier lost an eye.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Shouldn't someone take her home?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09We tried that once, she marched back in in her slippers and said
0:19:09 > 0:19:12if we did it again, she'd individually glass each one of us.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16You know, in that lovely sing-songy voice of hers.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I told you he was back and I told you he had a new lass.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21All right, Ramsey, Big Keith?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I'm just back for the weekend, like, not stopping.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- Away, then, introductions to your old crew.- Hi, I'm Sarah.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- All right, pet?- Hello. - She's Jewish, Ramsey.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Why, aye, I've never met anyone from overseas before.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Welcome to the country, flower. You want to be careful with him.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40When he lived here, he was like a rat up a drainpipe.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Reckon he had his own seat at the clap clinic and everything!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Mind, you probably want your own seat there, don't you?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Or, "Hello, nice to meet you," would have just been fine.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Yeah. What am I like? Face.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Nice to see you, son.- Cheers, Dad.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02At a christening! I'd happily die at a christening.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- I imagine Jesus would like that as well - one in, one out. - HE CHUCKLES
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Eee, can somebody get me the key to the disabled lavvy?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I think Elvis needs to leave the building.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I'll get it.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Well, I'm going to the able toilets. Come on, Sarah.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- What?- Come with us - then we can have a proper girly gossip.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Oh, erm...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I'll give you a push.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Eee, that Sarah is wonderful, our Jack.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29I know. She is.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33And a degree too! You can tell right away she's cleverer than you.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- OK. Good.- I tell you, she's not like every single one of your other ones.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Mam, don't start.- Well, that last one was a bloody mess.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Hitting a policeman.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I know she said she thought he was a stripogram,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46but what sort of a stripogram comes in full riot gear?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Oh! Would you like me to just step out?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Oh, no. How can we gossip like lasses then?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02KNOCK ON DOOR Busy!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05It's Denise, man! It's the wild card round, what you having?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Breezer. Get us a cranberry, though, I've got a touch of the 'titis.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Mind, that Sarah seems a bit up her own arse, doesn't she?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Er, no, I think you've just got to get to know her, pet.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Well, if she mucks it up with Jack, I'll be in there quicker than
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- Gazza on a free bar. - SHE LAUGHS
0:21:24 > 0:21:28You're much nicer than some of the other lasses he's brought home.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31He's had some right horrors.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Oh, we've no secrets. He's told me all about his exes.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- He fair old broke Denise's heart, good and proper.- Denise?
0:21:38 > 0:21:39She couldn't box for weeks.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Right. Right.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48You're probably wondering if I heard through the wall that you're married?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Not now you've just clarified matters.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Well, don't worry. I'll not tell no-one.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55You won't tell anyone.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I'll keep your little, terrible secret.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Really?
0:22:01 > 0:22:06Aye. Cos I like you. You're all right.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Welcome to the family, pet.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10VICKI GIGGLES
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Mam, listen, about Sarah... I really love her.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20It's pretty serious, you know.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I might even be thinking about taking the next step.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25SHE GASPS
0:22:25 > 0:22:29MUFFLED SHRIEKING
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- All right. Just... OK? - That's fantastic!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- OK. OK.- I already knew your secret, you know.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41What? What do you mean?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- A mam knows, Jack.- Oh.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47I just had a feeling when I saw youse together. I just...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Oh, I just had the vibes, our Jack.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You're going to be very happy together.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55You've known her for two and a half hours, how can you know what she's like?
0:22:55 > 0:22:59A mam knows. Unless there's something you're not telling us?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- No, course not.- I knew that, pet.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I knew there wasn't something you weren't telling us.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Course not.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Unless there's something else you're not telling us.- No.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I knew that too.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20All right, Joe?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Gervaise.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I hope you don't mind me saying this, Joe,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28but when me and your Vicki were together,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I thought I'd found me proper soulmate, like.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Shame you shagged that cocktail waitress, then, isn't it?
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Mistakes were made.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40But I want Vicki to know she still means the world to me.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42What can I do?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Well, she was always a fan of your singing.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50In fact, she told me she'd much rather listen to you sing than have to listen to you talk.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Hey, great idea!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I could sing our song. That's bound to tug on her heartstrings.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59You can't get more romantic than the Cutting Crew.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01TOILET FLUSHES
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Right, I've freed the slaves.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21What happened in the toilet? Is she going to say anything about our secret?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23No. We're fine. We've made a contract.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28And a contract made between two women in a toilet cubicle cannot be broken.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I told me mam I'm thinking of popping the question in your direction.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And she was thrilled. She thinks you're great.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Really? - Course she does. Why wouldn't she?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Right, I reckon it's time for a round of shots.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Oh, no, thank you, I've already had three wines.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- I don't want to get too drunk. - SHE LAUGHS
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Here we go.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Drunk is all relative. Why don't we call them a nightcap?
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Cos you can't get drunk off a nightcap, can you?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59You're right. Why not?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Masterful.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Ah, that's better. Or is it worse? It's hard to tell.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Sit here, our Sarah, next to me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Oh! It's "our Sarah" now, is it?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Well, it might be soon.- Mam!
0:25:16 > 0:25:20If you and Jack get married, will we have to have a Jewish caterer?
0:25:20 > 0:25:21No, of course not.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Is there a special sort of hat you'd need me to wear?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26No, no.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30And would Jack have to convert to your side?
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Well, that's not compulsory. And I don't really see Judaism as a side.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Would we? Cos I'm fine with not working on a Saturday,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42but I'm not sure Joe's heart could take him being circumvented.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45ALL LAUGH
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- What?- I was so worried that I'd embarrass myself.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51But you're all just lovely.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Ooh, we should take a picture of everyone!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Oh, yes, a picture of all of us.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Ramsey, take a picture of us, will you, flower?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Here you are.- I think you should hurry up, I don't feel very good.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- ALL: Ah! - That'll be the shots sloshing around and doing their magic.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09This is a fancy bit of kit, like.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Aye, just take a picture, not the whole phone.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Jack, don't be so rude.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Your mum's right, Jack, these are good people.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17They take care of their own.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Sheila's dead!
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Right, dead body.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23We've got seven minutes before the police get here.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26If we're quick, we can get another round in. Denise!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I'm already there!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30ALL CLAMOUR FOR DRINKS
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Ahh! Everybody!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Poor Sheila is lying there dead.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Do you not think she deserves a bit of dignity?
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Man, just cordon her off. It's what she would have wanted.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49No. First thing we should do is get her affairs in order.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Cos she did get Bigfoot And The Hendersons off me at teatime
0:26:51 > 0:26:53but she hadn't paid us for it yet.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56So I'll just get the money from her purse now, save any hassle later.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01Ramsey, you will not! A woman's purse is sacred!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Here, Sarah, you look after it for her.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Big Keith, Joe, get her out the back, will you?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09You should be ashamed of yourselves.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Partying around this poor departed woman,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14going through her things like jackals.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18SARAH VOMITS
0:27:18 > 0:27:23To be fair, that's probably worse, like - being sick in a dead woman's handbag.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Doesn't Sarah look nice in a wedding dress?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- SARAH VOMITS - What?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Look! It's in that Las Vegas!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Jack is dressed as Elvis, but it's definitely him!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Are youse two married?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Yes. Sorry. We wanted...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43SHE VOMITS
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Jack?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Mam, I'm sorry. We were waiting for the right time.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51You kept this...from your mam?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Me only son got married.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00Dressed as Elvis. And this is how I find out?
0:28:00 > 0:28:03In the middle of the pub in front...of everyone,
0:28:03 > 0:28:08including dead Sheila? I can't think of anything less appropriate.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11This is specially for you, Vicki.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18# I just died in your arms tonight... #
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Away, man, not now!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# I just died in your arms tonight
0:28:27 > 0:28:33# I just died in your arms tonight
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# Must have been some kind of kiss
0:28:36 > 0:28:40# I should have walked away
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# I should have walked away... #
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd