0:00:31 > 0:00:33We're going to be late.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Well, if someone didn't spend an hour doing their hair...!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- That was you. - Yeah, I know, but look at the result.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I look like I've been dragged through a really cool hedge, forwards.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Anyway, we're not late-late, so it's not a problem.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Isn't it?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Cos I think we're already in your mum's bad books.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Ah, she'll have forgiven us.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- She won't.- She will.- She won't.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52She will. It's been a week, she'll have moved on.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Uh-uh. We got married and we didn't invite her,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58or even tell her, until she found out in front of all of her friends.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Sarah, I promise you, there is no way she'd have us drive
0:01:01 > 0:01:04all the way from Manchester just to give us a hard time.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Come to break me heart again, have you?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09What have you done this week? Got divorced without telling us?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10OK, you win.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13We said eleven o'clock, didn't we? Eleven o'clock is what we said,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15and it's now nearly midday.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16It's ten past eleven.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Don't split hairs! We're going to be late.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Late on a Sunday! What would the little baby Jesus think?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23He'd probably forgive us.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Sorry for keeping you waiting.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I'll take your bags.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Hello, Sarah.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31You look gorgeous. Joe!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Ah, the newlyweds!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Dad, please, don't. We were drunk and we got married -
0:01:35 > 0:01:37that's what drunk people do in Vegas.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40We feel awful about it. I mean, not the being married part,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42but the you and Pauline missing the wedding part.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Is there anything we can do?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Nah. It'll pass. She's peaking now.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Best thing you can do is just ride this one out,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51unless you've got a pair of Michael Buble tickets and a transit van full of Ferrero Rocher.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Peaking? It's been a week - seven days.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56And seven long, cold nights.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- SINGSONG:- You're in trouble!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03You're just glad it's not you for a change.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Aw. Keeping secrets from the family, eh? - SHE TUTS
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I thought you were Mr Goody Two-Shoes.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Turns out you're Mr Shitey One-Sandal.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Joe, get those boxes into the car. Jack, you help him.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Vicki, coat on.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17We're supposed to be helping Dot move out of the old folks' home today,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20but at the rate we're going, the undertakers'll be doing it for us!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23DOOR SLAMS SHUT
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Don't worry about your mam. - I'm not worried.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29I'll have her back in a good mood faster than Gok Wan gets a fat lass down a catwalk.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31How?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Got me book deal, didn't I?- No!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Yep. 30 grand up front for yours truly.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Got the call on Friday.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Kevin - he's me agent - he reckons it's destined to be a modern classic.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Gazza - The Forgotten Years.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Well done, son!- Cheers, Dad. - Brilliant!
0:02:45 > 0:02:46And an agent?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49First one in our family to have an agent, eh?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Mind you, your granddad knew a bloke who could get him jobs,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54but he worked at the job centre.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11MOBILE BEEPS
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Ooh, looks like Denise has pulled another dud.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Prince Charming must have turned back into King Minger.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20HONKS HORN
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Whoa! What's all this, like?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Ah, you snooze, you lose, Dad, you snooze, you lose.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Sometimes you just lose, our Jack.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Aw, Mam, come on... - No talking whilst I'm driving!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Hang on, I've made us a CD for the way.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37CAR ENGINE STARTS
0:03:39 > 0:03:42MUSIC: White Wedding by Billy Idol
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Arriba, arriba, andale, andale.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- Your gran'll be champing at the bit. - She'd better not be, I've only just finished paying for them teeth.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Listen, Mum, I've got some news.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Oh! What more are you going to spring on us?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Have you got Sarah pregnant?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Am I not your real mam?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Er...I got me book deal. I'm going to be a published author.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07When?
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Sign the deal next week. 30 grand.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14His agent's sorting out all the...agent-y stuff.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16You never told me you were writing a book.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I've told you loads of times. You never hear anything I say!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I did hear!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I just wasn't listening.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24It's only a book about Gazza.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28It's not like it's a great piece of literature, like a book about Cheryl.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30VICKI CHUCKLES
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Well done, son.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Mind, this doesn't mean I'm over not being invited to your wedding.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39HE SIGHS
0:04:39 > 0:04:41In fact, I don't think I'll ever recover.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42But I'm proud of you.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Proud and hurt. Or am I hurt and proud?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Anyway, you're still up a certain creek without a paddle with me.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Now, come on, all of youse.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Here.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Don't worry. I'm not in her bad books, I'll talk her round. - Maybe we can get her something
0:05:01 > 0:05:03with the money from the book deal. And get myself a big telly.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06No! This could be really great for us, we're not wasting it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You're right, nothing for me mam, just a big telly.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Jack! Will you hurry up?!
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Sorry, Mam.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16You'll be late for your own F-U-N-E-R-A-L.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Why are you spelling it out? - Look where we are.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- TV:- '..a potential buyer. Now, I've got some top tips on...'
0:05:23 > 0:05:25ALL: Ooh! Oh!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY
0:05:27 > 0:05:28ALL: Oh, it's Dot's. It's for Dot.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- ALL GRUMBLE - Just ignore them, me darlings.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Five! Look at them!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Mmm? Five visitors!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40When was the last time somebody had five visitors?
0:05:40 > 0:05:45You know our Joe and Pauline and Vicki and Jack.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49But this is Sarah...
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Jack's new wife.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Sarah, this is Betty, Maud,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Eileen, Violet,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Agatha, Brenda, Ethel,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Dorothy, Mrs Patel and Edna.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05And that old fella's Deaf Ted.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Oh...
0:06:06 > 0:06:07and that's Winny.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10But we don't talk to Winny.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And she knows why, don't you, Winny?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15ALL MURMUR: She knows why, yeah.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Sarah's Jewish, everybody.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20ALL: Ooh!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23And they just went to Las Vegas and got married
0:06:23 > 0:06:24without telling anyone.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25ALL: Ooh!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Pauline's furious about it.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I'm not furious, Dot.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33She's keeping it bottled up. It's what she does.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37She'll explode later. Ooh, it'll be awful.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Say nowt to no-one about nothing, right?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I don't want this getting out.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43I get you. Early days.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Take it slow. I've been hurt meself.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51If you tell anyone about this, I will show you the meaning of hurt.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Eee! Our Denise!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Did you stop over again last night, did you?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Aye, Hilda.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Oh, I thought as much.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12I says, "Either our Denise has got a gentleman friend home again
0:07:12 > 0:07:16"or the ghost's back, shifting furniture and groaning."
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Let's get youse two downstairs.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22All right, then?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Hey! Hiya, Denise!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Hiya, Vic.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Putting your tights on?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Aye.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35All right, Ramsey, son, what you doing here?
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Well, I thought...er...seeing as I've taken so much from society,
0:07:39 > 0:07:43it was time to put something back in, you know, move it around a bit.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44The wheelchair.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47They were conjugating all night last night, pet.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50At first, we thought it was the ghost.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54So...working here now, Denise?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Yeah, Jack, yeah, I am.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I get on with them - women who have lost their one true love.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04And Doreen, who killed hers with a Kirby hoover.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07All right, Sarah?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Still Jewish?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Well...yes.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13It doesn't really go away.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16And then we heard the shouting.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Howling and moaning she was all night, like a banshee.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"Jack! Jack!"
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"Jack! Jack!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27"Yes! Yes!"
0:08:29 > 0:08:33We best be getting to your room, Dot.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34See you later, Denise.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37See you later.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42You've so many photos, Dot.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Are these Jack's cousins?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46No, that's Enid's family.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49The woman next door who died.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I just liked the look of them,
0:08:51 > 0:08:55so I kept the pictures when they were clearing her out.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56They're lovely, aren't they?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Especially her mother. Dead glamorous.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02She puts an effort into HER appearance, Pauline.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I might be glamorous if I spent a bit more on me hair
0:09:05 > 0:09:09and a bit less on commodes for ungrateful old women.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13A wall of memories. Take your pick.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16My whole life's in those photos.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17And some of Enid's as well.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20That's Dot and me granddad.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Mmm. He was a bastard.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Right, how are youse lot? Let's finish getting her boxed up.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Boxed up? That's not the sort of language for round here.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Oh, Jack, if you see anything you like for your flat,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34just tell me, darlin'.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Oh, I wouldn't want to break this stuff up, Dot.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42It really works as a set, doesn't it?
0:09:43 > 0:09:48You said he was a bit of a character, but you look happy here.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54Well, we were. He could be romantic when he wanted to be, my Stan.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59When he wanted something, you know, in the night.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And when we were courting...
0:10:01 > 0:10:04oh, there wasn't a flower left in that graveyard.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Mind, there's nothing romantic
0:10:07 > 0:10:10about having the letters RIP in your front room.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14It's sweet, though, those little thoughts.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I mean, my last boyfriend never did anything spontaneous, but Jack...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20He's...he's just lovely like that.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Romance is all well and good, Sarah,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24but there's a fine line between a romantic and an idiot.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28You know, it took Joe four goes until he remembered I was allergic to roses.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- But it's the thought... - I swelled up like a pudding.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Four birthdays in a row,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I sat in Luigi's looking like a sweaty Oompa-Loompa.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Get your mam some roses - that'll cheer her up.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I can't remember the last time I got her roses.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44- I can't just get flowers. What else cheers a woman up?- Fancy knickers. I can get you them cheap.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45For me mam?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- She not wear knickers, like? - Not fancy ones.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Look, son, she's blaming me as well for this.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53You're going to have to do something, for both our sakes.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Something big.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59A big gesture. That always works with women. It's always got me out of trouble, anyway.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Or his big gestures that he thinks will make everything all right, stupid man.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Oh, Jack does that too.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06But it shows how loyal he is, doesn't it,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08wanting to make everything all right?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Sarah, me Dad Artexed a wall
0:11:09 > 0:11:12- every time he forgot their anniversary.- Uh-huh.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15You couldn't walk through our house without being snagged on something.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18But it shows he values how the people around him are feeling.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Once, we had this argument and he felt just awful,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25so he took me to London, to the West End, and got us tickets to see...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26BOTH: Phantom Of The Opera?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28How did you know?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Oh, Joe's taken me to see that more times than I care to mention.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36If I see that ugly fella cry cos he's never been kissed one more time, I will swing for someone.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39She loves the Phantom, your mam. When the fella cries at the end
0:11:39 > 0:11:43cos he's never been kissed, you can see her getting all emotional.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I have thought of something that might work.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- You know, make things right. - Go on, then.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I could get married again.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Whoa, there, Henry VIII, one at a time!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Aw, come on, Sarah would love it as well - a proper do.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I don't think she can remember much of it, we were both so drunk.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01In the wedding photo, she looks like Pete Doherty in a dress.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03So Sarah gets to have her special day
0:12:03 > 0:12:07and we all get to be there to celebrate it with you.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Who's going to pay for it?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I've got the money from me book deal, haven't I?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- You writing a book? - Aye, Ramsey, I am.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Going to be the first person in Hebburn to write a book. Or in some cases, read one.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- I thought you worked in that paper down in Manchester? - Nah, gone self-employed.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Oh, right. Welcome to the daytime telly-watching community.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Aye, but I'll be watching it on a 57-inch TV.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Just ordered it. A surprise for Sarah.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30It's a big enough gesture, son.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33A second wedding could get you right out of a hole.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Like the time I bought your mum a new car.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Wow! What did you do that required a car-sized apology?
0:12:38 > 0:12:411988. I dropped your sister on her head.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I know what you mean about romance, Sarah.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I never thought I'd be going out with somebody in show business.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- He's a pub singer. - He's way above a pub singer.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51He worked on a cruise ship.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Where he cheated on you with a cocktail waitress.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57From Byker. I think that's the part that hurts the most.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59INSANE GIGGLING
0:12:59 > 0:13:04But don't you worry, Sarah, he's not going to get away with it scot-free.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08The thing with men is, you have to show them who's in charge.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09I own him.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13And once he's given in to that, we can move on.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Right, that's the first lot done.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Right, lunch break. Come on, girls, get yourselves ready.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22We're going out for a Sunday pub lunch. Are you coming, Dot?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24No, not for me, Pauline.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I've got some stuff I want to give out to the other women before I go.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31It'll be like me Last Supper, pet.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32But at lunchtime.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Y'after? Did you get everything?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Course, I'm not an amateur. - I won't go back in there looking like an idiot
0:13:40 > 0:13:41cos I couldn't get what they wanted.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Four bottles of rum, three bottles of brandy, and that eggnog crap.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46You got the money?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Can I not owe you?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I'm not Northern Rock, man.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Oh, just till next week, Hutchy.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Look, right, I know where you live.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55We agreed a price.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Now, I either take it out your wallet or out on your windows.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01All right, all right. Here.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Nice one. Who's it all for, anyway?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07The old folks in this place. Me new lass works here, like,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10so I'm throwing them a party, you know, impress her a bit.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- You're a bellend.- Hey! Show some respect.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15You're a bellend, Dad.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Now, go on, bugger off, I'll see you next weekend.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Whatever.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24And...er...stay in school, don't do drugs!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Kids, eh?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Bellend!
0:14:31 > 0:14:35# Just help yourself to my lips To my arms
0:14:35 > 0:14:39# Just say the word And they are yours... #
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Yeah, 30 grand up front. Living the dream.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47I'm not spending the rest of my life just taking orders off people.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Oh, two pints of lager and three cokes, and I'll be sitting over there. Cheers.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Thank you.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57You have got to stop bragging, people don't like it.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Sarah, people round here don't like anyone succeeding in anything.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Look at Gervaise.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04He's the closest we've got to a celebrity,
0:15:04 > 0:15:05and look how they treat him.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12# Just help yourself! #
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Just help yourself, Vicki.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Please give it up - on bongos, Big Keith! SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- You're a dick!- Away, man!
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Not you Big Keith, him!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Aye, fair enough.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28It's only the fact they do a cracking dinner in here
0:15:28 > 0:15:30that's he's got an audience at all, you know.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32If they'd had him on in Guantanamo Bay,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35they would have caught Bin Laden in a fortnight.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Hiya, Pauline.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Hello, Siobhan, we've come for our dinner.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, you're a bit late for a roast dinner.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Big Keith's just drinking the last of the pork fat.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Aye, one of us thought they could just swan up whenever they liked.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I could do you scampi and chips, scampi and mash, or...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54scampi in a bun. With gravy.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Bloody hell, can we hear the specials(?)
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Gervaise! Do The Specials!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- # This town - Oh-ohh
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- # Is coming like a ghost town - Oh-ohh... #
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Happy now?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10# All the clubs have been closed down... #
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Oh! Oh!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Now, Hilda, you can have one of me glass clowns,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18because you've always wanted a glass clown, haven't you?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Ooh! A glass clown, lovely!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22But your George spent all your savings before he died
0:16:22 > 0:16:24on that lass from Thailand.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Filthy man.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Still, we'll not punish you for his godless ways.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Aw, giving some of your things away, Dot?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Oh, this lot need cheering up.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40Maud, how about a wooden owl from Magaluf?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Will that make a difference?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Ooh, lovely!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Agatha, you get nothing,
0:16:46 > 0:16:50because you have to learn that lavender is a scent and not a way of life.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Eh, I'd like...
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I know what you'd like, but I'm thinking that with your Parkinson's,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59a crystal swan's just tempting fate.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- Oh!- But, you can have me miniature ceramic clogs.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Aw, thanks, Dot.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09And, Winny, you don't get anything, do you?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13ALL MURMUR: Winny knows. Nothing for Winny.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Hey, settle!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Denise, do you want something, my angel?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I don't think you've got what I want in there, Dot.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26There's a Faberge egg I got at Poundstretcher.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28That's always turned a few heads.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I just want a fella, Dot.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34One that's not an idiot, and that'll hold us in the night, you know?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36ALL: Aw.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I'll hold you all night, Denise.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40To be honest, Deaf Ted,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43if it wasn't for your slippy catheter, you'd be in with a shout, son.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45It's gone again, Denise.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Of course it has, love.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Right, I'm off to re-plumb Deaf Ted.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Any nonsense from you lot while I'm gone,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I'll leave the window open this afternoon.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58ALL: No! Draft!
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Right, let's get Songs Of Praise on.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Shots every time there's a "Jesus".
0:18:06 > 0:18:08If we get a "hallelujah" - down in one.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11TV: # Hallelujah... #
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Jackpot!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I'm actually in the process of developing my own musical. It's based...
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Oh, thanks for that rose you got us last night, lover.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31If that's the starter, when do we get to the main course?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Because this little boy is ravenous.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37This little boy is on a diet
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and if I ever catch you trying to get takeout from another chip shop,
0:18:40 > 0:18:45- you'll find yourself with nowt to fork with.- Vicki, wait!
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Nice bit of scampi, that.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Yes, quite satisfactory.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Not a heartbreaking disappointment, like 50% of me children.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Listen, Mam, I really want to make this up to you.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Ooh, he gets this from you. This is your fault.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58What have I done?!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00The fact you don't know makes it all the worse.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- If you just let us speak... - Listen, I know how we can fix this.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Will you teach him how to do Artex a wall?- No, I've been thinking and...
0:19:06 > 0:19:10The only way we can this sorted is if these two get married again.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Dad!
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Yep. We can do it properly.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Sarah can have her special day,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18and WE can all be there to celebrate it with them.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I'm not sure that's the best use of our mo...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Can we, Jack? Can we have another wedding?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Course. He can give us the money from his book deal.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27We were going to use that for...
0:19:27 > 0:19:30He's getting 30 grand - a wedding won't cost anywhere near that.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31It'll put everything right, won't it, son?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I suppose so.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Oh, I don't know what...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39You can't be blase... You haven't even signed the book...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42My God, we're going to have a wedding!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Can I get a new outfit, then?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Course you can, me darlin'. - I mean, do we really need to...?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Oh, Sarah, we can have all the family there.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Aw, it'll be a dream come true!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Cheers, Dad.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55You snooze, you lose.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57HE CHUCKLES
0:19:57 > 0:19:58And centrepieces!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01You'll need good ones, not like Isabel's daughter.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04She had goldfish in hers, but when everyone had had a drink,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08- they started throwing them at each other.- Big Keith stuffed one inside a profiterole and ate it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13For the wedding, Dad, I was thinking thigh-high boots and a fascinator.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Whatever you like, my love.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Well, that was a surprise.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Can you believe me dad? It was my idea to get married again, not his.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Your idea? Are you kidding me?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- What?- I have just spent the whole day telling your mum
0:20:25 > 0:20:27what a lovely, loyal bloke you are,
0:20:27 > 0:20:29then you go and decide all this behind my back?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32What is this, one of your Pearson family "big gestures"?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- What's me mam been saying, like? - We need that money so we can pay off our debts and pay our rent.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Now you're blowing it on a wedding for a couple who are already married
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- and who are now arguing! - Are we arguing?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Yes!- The big telly'll cheer you up.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- What?!- Don't worry, you're going to love it.
0:20:47 > 0:20:4957-inch, surround sound, the lot.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Come on!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Wait! I only wanted to do it because I love you so much
0:20:54 > 0:20:57and cos we can barely remember what happened in Vegas.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I just wanted to give you the day you deserve.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Really?- Yes, really.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Just...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07When I see you walking down that aisle,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I'm going to be the happiest man in the world.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12We can film it and watch it together
0:21:12 > 0:21:15when we're old and grey, and/or bald.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Really?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Yes.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- It'll look great on the big telly. - Oh.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26MUSIC: "Out Of Space" by The Prodigy
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Because I raised my kids
0:21:29 > 0:21:32the right way, you see,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35and you'll all die here alone!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- SWITCHES MUSIC OFF - What is going on in here?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48All right, pet? I thought I'd throw you a party,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52get things livened up a bit, like. It's me big gesture.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57A party? Look at them! They're off their tits.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- SLURRED: I can see the angels. - Angels, yes.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Well, you see, I thought...- Did you?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I doubt that! You've got a head full of spanners, you, like.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07This is a bloody mess!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10The last time Mrs Patel got drunk, she tried to smother Mr MacMurphy,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12and Winny did...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Well, Winny knows what she did, don't you, Winny?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17ALL MURMUR AGREEMENT
0:22:17 > 0:22:19ALL JEER
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Shit the bed, what's happening here, like?- Bad Winny!
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Oh, Vic, the brain machine's gone and got the inmates rat-arsed.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30And I want the glass clown!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I don't want the owl cos I don't like owls!
0:22:33 > 0:22:38Right. Don't worry, Denise. I can sort this in one phone call.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47Hmm. It's legs eleven. Legs eleven.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- See, it turned out all right. - All right for you.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53This lot are going to have minging hangovers in the morning.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57It'll be me sneaking in the Bloody Marys with their breakfast. Wipe that smug smile off your face.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Now bugger off,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- or they'll not be the only ones in this room with loose balls. - Oh, howay...
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Get out of me sight.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Pig in a bucket, 19. 19.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Right, I think that's us done.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Are you having the wedding at Swayzes, Jack?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Are you kidding?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20No, we want a proper, no expenses spared, sit-down dinner,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23not Siobhan's cold buffet with a grapefruit wrapped in foil.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I've pretty much got me outfit planned. I'll get that hat
0:23:26 > 0:23:29out the wedding shop, the one I took back after Maureen's wedding.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- MOBILE RINGS - Come on, let's get going.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh, Kevin, me agent.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Oh, listen to him, on first name terms with his agent.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Ringing on a Sunday.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I'm one of his main clients now so I get the extra attention.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Aw, lovely.- Aye, aye, captain!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Have I seen the papers?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I don't report the news any more, mate, I make it.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50What?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I'm free! Free from the lot of you!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Free from Death Row!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Sorry.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04ALL: oh!
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Still here?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12What's your next trick?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Putting cocaine in their cod liver oil?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19There was a bottle of brandy left over, thought we could...?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22SHE SCOFFS
0:24:22 > 0:24:24ALL GIGGLE
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Howay, then, seeing as you've swept us off me feet(!)
0:24:36 > 0:24:38So what did your agent have to say, babes?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Yeah, babes, what did he say, babes?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43It was just about the delivery date of the book.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Do they want it sooner?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Not exactly.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47HE SIGHS
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- Gazza's writing his own memoirs. - What?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Yeah, apparently, he heard about my book
0:24:51 > 0:24:54and then suddenly remembered his forgotten years.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57So he's doing it himself. It's all over the Sunday papers.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Do they not want your book now?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- They don't need it. - Do you still get the 30 grand?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02No.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Never mind, son. At least you had the common sense
0:25:07 > 0:25:09to hang on to your job at the newspaper.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Thing is, I sort of...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13didn't have that common sense.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14What?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I had the deal of a lifetime sitting in front of us.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20I didn't think there was any point in sticking with a job I hated,
0:25:20 > 0:25:21so I put the phone down to me agent
0:25:21 > 0:25:24and I told everyone in that office what I thought of them.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Always best to get things out in the open.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- Not now, Dot.- You just jacked your job in there and then?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- You should have heard the speech I gave, though.- I did.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36He did it again when he got home and then I had selected highlights on the drive up.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39So the wedding's off, then.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Mam, I was just following me heart, like Dad always says.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Your dad's heart's knackered, so think on.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48We've got nothing, Sarah.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I'm so sorry. I can't even pay the rent this month.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Come here, you stupid man.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Can we please hurry up, driver, because I've got the urge again.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01The cowboys and the Indians, if you know what I mean.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05So you've got no job, no money, nothing.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08You're just like everyone else round here, aren't you?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09I am not like the people round here.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Vicki, stop picking on him. Look, I know Jack's been an idiot,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15and I know he shouldn't have left his job
0:26:15 > 0:26:16before he had his contract signed.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19But...?
0:26:19 > 0:26:20But what?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Cheers(!)
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Wait a minute, Jack. I think your mam's having one of her idea things.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I promise you, Sarah, I never intended to end up like this. DOOR OPENS
0:26:34 > 0:26:36And here's some towels for you.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38God, just think of all the money
0:26:38 > 0:26:41you're going to save now you're living here with us.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45It's really generous of you. It's just until we're back on our feet.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Of course, Sarah, love.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I keep thinking of all the odd jobs you can do around the house to earn your keep.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Right. Great.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55As long as we get a bit of privacy.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Oh, I'll just get that posted.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00And remember, thin walls, Jack!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- And a thick sister.- I heard that!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Goodnight, God bless. Love youse.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Right, up at six and we'll get them gutters sorted.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12There's a dead pigeon up there. I think the dead cat killed it. Night-night.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15HE SIGHS
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Well, we've died and gone to Hebburn,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21and by which I mean hell.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26It's Dot I feel sorry for.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I don't know why this lot are in a huff.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Dot knows what she did.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd