0:00:35 > 0:00:37I hope everyone gets on.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Of course they will.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I hope we're doing the right thing. Inviting them up here.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I mean, Hebburn might be outside my mum and dad's comfort zone.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Hey, Hebburn is outside everybody's comfort zone.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48It's important they meet your folks.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50It'll be fine. Besides, your mum and dad are great.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52They're not that great.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54No, they're not, are they?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55And you know how sniffy Mum can be.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Relax. What's there to be sniffy about round here?
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Well? What do yous think?
0:01:03 > 0:01:04What is it?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07It's me costume, for the fancy dress party tonight at Swayze's.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I know, but...what are you meant to be?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Harry Potter.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13In a bikini?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I'm Sexy Harry Potter, aren't I?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Denise! They didn't get it!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Sarah, are you entering the Fancy Dress tonight?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24No, I told you, my mum and dad are coming up.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Well, if you change your mind,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I've got a Sexy Susan Boyle costume left over from last year.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30You'll have to comb through the fake eyebrows
0:01:30 > 0:01:32but other than that it's cushty.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34All right, Jack?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36What are you going as, Denise?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37An Egyptian lifeguard?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Sexy Mother Theresa, actually.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh, well, now you've said it, it's obvious.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43So, have you got anything to confess?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Aye, since the last time you saw this outfit,
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I've sewn up the knickers.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Oh! And you are done.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Jesus.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54She's so in your face,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56she's virtually poking out the back of your head.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Am I always going to be reminded that you went out
0:01:58 > 0:02:00with your sister's best friend?
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Don't let Denise get to you.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03All right, I went out with her, but I married you.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Yeah, I suppose.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Look, I'm sorry about all this.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11It's not exactly what I had in mind for us.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14By now, I thought we'd have a place in the country, cinema room,
0:02:14 > 0:02:15butler wandering about.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Not be back here with me mam and dad, paper thin walls
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and the ghost of slappermas past.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24'I'm not a ghost, I'm Mother Theresa.'
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Look, we should be grateful.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Your mum's going to a lot of trouble for my parents.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32She knows more about being Jewish than I do.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33And I've spent my whole life being it.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36MUSIC: "HAVA NAGILA"
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Oh, not again.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Why do we have to wear these?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- What?- The gloves.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Why do we have to wear the gloves?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Because if that girl's going to be living under our roof,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I want her parents to know we are abiding by their culture.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01They're Jewish, Pauline. Not health inspectors.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04And they have rules, Joe! About food preparation!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07There's nothing the internet knows that I don't about Judaism.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09And the last thing these people want is our gentile paws all
0:03:09 > 0:03:11over their dinner.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- We don't want to kvetch them, not today.- You what?
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Kvetch, Joe! Kvetch! Like you're making me right now!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Look at me, this is me, proper kvetched.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I don't like it round here. It looks very rough.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Excuse me? - What are you doing?!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Asking for directions.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Y'after?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- We were wondering if you... - Trick or treat.- Sorry?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Look, right. Trick...
0:03:49 > 0:03:50..or treat?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Have you not heard of trick or treat?- Well, yes...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57But it's daytime. And it's April.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59It's a big town. I start early.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I canna do it all in one night.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02I'm not Santa.
0:04:02 > 0:04:07I'm sorry, we don't carry treats around on the off-chance.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09We're actually looking for the Pearson house.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Oh, what, you think this is such a diddy little place
0:04:13 > 0:04:16that we all know each other, do yous?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17The Pearson house?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Joe and Pauline?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23You must be Sarah's mam and dad.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24That's us.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I still want me treat.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28No, Hutchy man, they're guests! Look, here.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Here's twenty pence.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Go down Booze Busters and get yourself something.- Twenty pence?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Nah, it's still going through their window for twenty pence.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I've got some change down here.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40No, Sarah's mam. He's got to learn boundaries.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42And as a parent, I've got to teach him.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Here's two pounds.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45The mature decision.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Tell your mam I canna look after you this weekend!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And try to go to school!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Maybe Wednesday?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Dipstick!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59So um, the Pearson house?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02No bother. I'll show yous where it is.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I'm going there meself.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Just got a couple of things to do on the way.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Oh, put that on.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15MUSIC: "Shake, Shake, Shake" by White Denim
0:05:15 > 0:05:16MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- # Hey, say what?- What?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22# I'm going to do it
0:05:22 > 0:05:23# What's that?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28# Hands up, hands up
0:05:28 > 0:05:29# Shake, shake, shake
0:05:29 > 0:05:31# Shake, shake, shake
0:05:31 > 0:05:34# Shake, shake, shake... #
0:05:34 > 0:05:37MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Don't be nervous, you look gorgeous.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50You look pretty good yourself.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I wish we could spend the evening up here, just the two of us.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- VICKI:- I hope nothing saucy's going on in there?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06We'd get more privacy if we were in the Big Brother house.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Who are you supposed to be now? Desert Orchid?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13No, I'm Donkey.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Sexy Donkey.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Denise is Sexy Shrek.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Shreksy.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25To be honest, I don't know why I'm bothering.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- You win every year anyway.- Well, she is sleeping with the judge.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32I'm not sleeping with Gervaise cos he's judging the fancy dress!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I'm sleeping with him cos he's a singer.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35I'm glad we're not going.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I don't think we could compete with Sea Biscuit and the Incredible Hulk.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41MAM! Tell him!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Here you go, this is the place.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Not pebble dashed, that's unexpected.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Thanks for your help.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I'm Ben, by the way, and this is my wife, Susan.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Nice one.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- And you are? - I'm Denise's boyfriend.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Yes, but do you have a name?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13I've got loads, but it depends on her mood.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Howay then! Let's give them a knock.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22DOORBELL RINGS
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Joe! Get them sandwiches covered!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Vicki, get back upstairs and get some clothes on!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Sarah, you let them in.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32And Jack, just try not to look so gormless.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Me? I'm full of gorm. I'm the king of gorm.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I'm "gormet".
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Is any one listening? No?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Did you find the place OK?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Yes, eventually.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Meee shalom to yous!
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Not today, flower.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50All right, no bother but can you tell Denise
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- that I'll see her down the pub later?- No.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Eh, I did get that right, didn't I? Me shalom?
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Oh, yes, perfect - a textbook shalom.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Joe! Get the kettle on! Ben and Susan are here.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I've already shalomed them.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Sorry about the classic Hebburn weather, like.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Give us your coats. - I'm fine, thanks.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Joe's already making you a cuppa. - Could I have a coffee?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Joe!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Susan's changed her mind, she'd prefer coffee!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I don't think we've got any!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Yes, we do, Joe!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25I got some in yesterday!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28It's in the...pantry!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Pantry?- Yes.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Next to the refrigerator!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Ah, by the library in the east wing?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Please feel free to ignore Joe, I find it's best.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Howay, we'll take you into the good room.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Thank you.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Not everyone gets to come in here, you know?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Yes, I can see why.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53So, here we are then.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57It's not much, but we all fit in, don't we, Sarah?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Yeah, pretty much.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00You've been very brave with your colours, Pauline.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh, thank you, Susan.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05We would have had Sarah and Jack to stay with us.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08But after the kids left, we decided we didn't need the BIG house
0:09:08 > 0:09:11any more, so we downsized to the bungalow.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13We're fine here, Mum.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Pauline's made us feel very welcome.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Oh, you've no worries leaving your Sarah here with us.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21This is a very traditional, family environment.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Mam, have you got any more ribbon?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- Erm....in the kitchen drawer, I think, pet.- All right.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29- You all right?- Hello.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Are they your daughters?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Just the one without the beard.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Do you want a hand with the drinks, Dad?- No ta, son.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It's all become much easier now we've got a pantry.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50What are you after?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I need a bigger bow for me hair, I'm Sexy Snow White.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- I'm going to be a sexy, tall dwarf. - Presumably not Bashful?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Is there one called Skanky?
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Hey, do you remember when me and you won the fancy dress, Jack?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05As Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Aye, dead authentic that because when they split up,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- she went off her nut and all. - I never shaved me head!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Have you done fancy dress, Dad?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Well, I wanted to be Robbie Williams for the night.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18But your mam wouldn't entertain it.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24That was very good.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26So they said it should be fairly straight forward
0:10:26 > 0:10:28to transfer my PHD to Newcastle University.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- I didn't know Newcastle had a university.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Is that a new thing? - No, I think they've always had it.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Ben, Susan, this is me dad - Joe.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Lovely to meet you, I'm Susan, this is Ben.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Sit, down, sit down.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44In this house you only need to stand up if you arse is on fire.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, lovely.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Aperitifs for the thirsty.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50I've done sandwiches for later.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Kosher and halal just so there's no favouritism.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54That's your coffee there, flower.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Hope it's all right.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Yeah, the water up here's a little bit different to York - it's a bit more tangy.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01How was your drive up, Ben?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Oh, no, no traffic talk, Joe.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Actually, Susan does all the driving.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, right.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Susan was just telling me about their downsized bungalow.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13What's a downsized bungalow look like? Is it just a roof?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16No, we downsized to the bungalow
0:11:16 > 0:11:18from a bigger house that we used to have.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Err...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Joe was joking, Dad, he does that.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Ben used to do that, didn't you, when we first met?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I don't bother with that much now.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It's really great that we could all get together like this.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38It's so nice.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And to think, we were worried you might be a bit awkward.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Imagine that. - But we're just...
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Getting on like a bungalow on fire, eh, Ben?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Right, seeing as this is all going so well,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I'd best go and spring me mam from the retirement village.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04We call it "Grantanamo Bay" but she doesn't laugh.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I'll come give you a hand, find out which dead celebrity
0:12:11 > 0:12:13has been visiting her in her sleep this week.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Sarah?- Thank you.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Right, we'll just sit here and get better acquainted.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams, like.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Aye.- Gervaise, Big Keith.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Pint please, Prince Charming, the lasses will be along in a minute.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Felicitations of the evening, young rapscallion.
0:12:43 > 0:12:49Tell me your wildest wishes that I might fashion them in candy for you.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Is he trying to chat me up?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- No, I'm Willy Wonka, man! - Ah, right.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I thought you were that smug bloke off the Monopoly box.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59What's he supposed to be then? Jodie Marsh's mam?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01This is me trusty Oompa-Loompa.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Right, so Wonka, eh?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- If you ask me, you look more like a wan...- That's what I said.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09So, what have you come as? You on a bad day?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11No, I'm going to get changed in a bit.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13So, how's it going with Denise then?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Well, we're still in the wooing phase.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19The thing about Denise is she's sophisticated.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21So, what's your game plan, big guy?
0:13:21 > 0:13:27Well, I'm going to just make her eyes sing and her heart dance.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31She's got to feel giddy, light-headed, carefree.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- How?- I'm just going to get her lashed.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Mint.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Target acquired, let's get ready to rumble.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39All right?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Let me guess - Sexy Nigella?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Good lad.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Well?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Sexy Noel Edmonds?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04No deal.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13BIG KEITH CLEARS THROAT
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Mmm-hmm.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29And this is Sarah receiving her degree from Bishop Desmond Tutu.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32He was very impressed when I told him about the shoe shop.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36How many photos did you say you could fit on your iPad?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Thousands.- Oh, wonderful.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40So many.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Well, that's enough photos now, Mum.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44She'll be getting out the dental records next.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48And of course our other daughter works overseas.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51She helps impoverished people get into education.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Our Vicki used to work overseas - Magaluf.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Helping people get in the clubs.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01She just works in the local florist now.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03There's no just about it. At least she's got a job.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Not like Jack.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06He's impulsive.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08"Follow your heart."
0:15:08 > 0:15:11That's what we've always told our kids, chase your dreams.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Well, there's impulsive and just plain foolish, isn't there?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Quitting his job before he'd even signed off on his book deal?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21They've got no money, they've had to sell the car.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23It was just the same when we were in Vegas.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Mum!
0:15:26 > 0:15:27You promised!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32You were there? At the wedding?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35We decided to use the money from the downsizing
0:15:35 > 0:15:37to join the kids in Vegas.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I'm so sorry, Pauline.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42We honestly didn't go out there planning to get married.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45No, not at all.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48We were all a few sheets to the wind.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Do you remember, Susan? When you laughed?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I'm so sorry, Pauline, I didn't mean to put my foot in it.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58It doesn't matter.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00It's nothing...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I mean, it's not as if it's a big thing...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11What are they like, then?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13The Jewish shoe people?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15They're people, Gran, just like everybody else.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20I know that, I'm not a bloody bigot.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I knew a Jew once.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Do you think they'll know him?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Let's not ask and just assume they don't, eh?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Yeah, so have you got everything?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Hang on, I'll just kiss Tigger before we go.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33She kisses that thing more than she's ever kissed me.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Considering how loose her false teeth are, you want to count your blessings, mate.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Cheeky buggers. Come on then, Joseph.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43You've left Sarah's parents alone with your wife
0:16:43 > 0:16:46and you know how she rubs people up the wrong way.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- No, that's you that does that. - And leave the light on.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Tigger doesn't like being in the dark on his own.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55He might not like the dark, but I bet he loves being on his own.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Vicki Pearson, ladies and gentlemen.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- MAN:- Fix!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03FAINT APPLAUSE AND BOOS
0:17:03 > 0:17:06You was robbed there mate, robbed!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- MAN:- She looks nowt like her!
0:17:08 > 0:17:12I'd just like to say, that winning this award
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- for the third year running, is, as usual, a total surprise. MAN:- Get off the stage.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- MAN:- Get off!- WOMAN:- Fix!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- MAN:- Taxi booked for you, howay!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I reckon you should have won that. You look amazing.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Yeah? Well, you look like a thick geography teacher.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30What are you supposed to be?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I'm Doctor Who. I thought you would have loved it, Denise.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Last year you told Vicki you always dreamed of ending up with a doctor. - When did I say that?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39When you were over by the Gambler...last summer.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41And your hair looked lush, like damp, brown straw.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Eee!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Eh!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51It's a shame there's not a second prize, Denise -
0:17:51 > 0:17:52you could've won that.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Aye, second prize - story of my life.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Don't be like that, Denise man, you should be happy for us.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Like when Cheryl won FHM's Sexiest Woman Of The Year
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and the rest of Girls Aloud were dead chuffed for her.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Cos they knew it didn't mean that they were munters.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Just that in comparison,
0:18:08 > 0:18:12they were slightly munter-ish.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Aye. I'm over the moon.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Aw, don't be down hearted, Denise.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Given the choice, I'd go munter every time.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- I- suppose we'd best get back.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Mind, that Ben's a bit of a laugh, isn't he?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27What does he do for an encore? His tax return?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It can't easy for him though.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Susan is a bit uptight and controlling.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Son, your mam is uptight and controlling
0:18:34 > 0:18:37but compared to Susan, she's like Winnie the Pooh.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Hey, I hope that thing
0:18:38 > 0:18:40about women turning into their mothers isn't true.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Oh, no, that's nonsense, pet.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Look at my mam - she was a nosey, interfering, old cow.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48We're lucky that skipped a generation then(!)
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Listen, pet, about your new wedding...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54You ARE going to do it properly, aren't you?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57None of this new-fangled, metro-sexy, business
0:18:57 > 0:18:59where the groom looks like the bride
0:18:59 > 0:19:02and the bride looks like Lady-bloody-Gaga.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04God, no, it's just going to be a little service.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Sarah's not Bridezilla and I'm not Groom Kong.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Buttercup Yellow.- What?
0:19:09 > 0:19:13It's not a colour you see enough of on a bridesmaid
0:19:13 > 0:19:17but I think your bridesmaids would be a vision in Buttercup Yellow.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Gran, I don't know if we're going to have bridesmaids.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20It's just going to be a small do.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25No, no, you want a traditional do.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30So that by the end, every single person is crying their eyes out.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I feel like crying now.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Mam, it'll not be a wedding as such, it's a blessing.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Next you'll be telling me that Jack won't be wearing a top hat.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42The thing is, Gran, I'm not really about top hats.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I think they tend to make people look like dicks.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49A well-deserved win.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- A lovely little Nigella. - Stop it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55But you enjoyed my dwarf work too?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Oh, amazing pet. You towered over the other dwarves.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Me Shreksy was better but Vicki said I don't suit green.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07I told you, Denise, it made you look all bloated like a toad, pet,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10dwarf is much more dignified.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11DRUNKEN SHOUTING AND CHEERING
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Boo!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Oh, brilliant, the Jarrow lads.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Come on, A Little Less Conversation, shift it, I need a drink.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Just come to join your party, like.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Hey, Dazza, let's not bother going on that pub crawl.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Let's just stay here all night.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31You're not welcome.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41And what are you going to doop-a-dee-doo about it?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Nowt.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Nowt.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You want to have another wedding!?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It's only fair, Mum.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56You were at our first one
0:20:56 > 0:20:59and Pauline just wants to watch her son get marr...
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Ah, the klutz, Susan, the brave, romantic klutz that he is.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06But love makes klutzes of us all, doesn't it, Ben?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I mean, you must've been a bit of a klutz when you fell for Susan?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12What kind of wedding?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Something a little more traditional.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Where Jack isn't dressed as Elvis and I'm not retching into a potted palm.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Nothing fancy - just family, all together.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25A little service and then a party in Hebburn.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- York.- Sorry, Susan?- York.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31It's traditional to have the wedding where the bride is from, isn't it?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Tradition goes out the window when you're in Vegas, doesn't it?
0:21:34 > 0:21:35If we're getting all traditional,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38doesn't it say the bride's family have to pay for the wedding?
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- We don't have any liquid assets at the moment.- Ah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I was saying this at the weekly budget meeting, wasn't I, Ben?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Yes. I used to play golf on Wednesday but...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49But it was decided the budget meeting
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- was a better use of Ben's time. - JOE:- Hello? We're back!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I better just make sure Joe's mother's all right.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Everyone all right for coffee?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Good.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Joe, kitchen. Jack, take your gran into the good room.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Well, good afternoon to you too, Pauline,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I see you've got your angry face on.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07So it's obviously going as well as we all expected.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Oh, well, I'm sure you'll sort it all out now you're here, Kofi Annan.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'm not even going to pretend to understand that.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- Right! Wheel me at them. - Everything all right, flower?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19- They were in Vegas!- Who was?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Sarah's mam and dad! They were there when they got married!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Can you believe it!?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Jack did say they were drunk. I don't think they were thinking.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Joe, you don't think, full stop.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Never mind not thinking what they're not thinking!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Will you calm down? They seem perfectly nice to me.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Nice to you, Joe? You've hardly been here!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And to think, I spent half the day making them lokshen pudding!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41What's lokshen pudding, like? I've never heard of it.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Neither had I, until two o'clock this morning,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45when Google spat it out!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I, Joe, am a mensch but that yenta
0:22:47 > 0:22:50is treating me like a schmendrick!
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Pauline! Stop speaking Yiddish?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- I can't understand a word you're saying!- Oy vey!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- JARROW LADS SINGING: - # Jarrow lads, we are here,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00# Shag your women, drink your beer! #
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Go and do something, Gervaise!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06What happened to it being "your house"?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I'm a lover, not a fighter, man.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10USES ASTHMA INHALER
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Right, I'll sort this out.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Denise man, don't.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Oi!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18This is our pub and we are trying to have a party.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21We're not interested in your war-mongering ways
0:23:21 > 0:23:22or your smell of damp washing.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26So I think it was about time you were buggering off back to Jarrow.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Hash tag "just saying".
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Oh, what's this, one of the famous bearded women of Hebburn
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- we've heard about? - Nah, actually, I'm Sleepy.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Well, why didn't you just say so?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You can come back to my bed for a little heigh-ho.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Someone needs to do something, now.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- You touching my lass? - Wait, I was just...- Hang on a sec.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54You are my lass, aren't you?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Aye, I am.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01She's my lass! I mean...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Right, you've had your fun, now howay - on your way.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Or what?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Or me and you are gonna go round and round like a...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12..roundabout.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Listen, if you don't sit back down and shut up,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18me and me brothers here are going to introduce your face to your arse.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25If you wouldn't mind, wor lass?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28If you'll excuse us, I've got an appointment with me arse.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Oh, I was just saying, Pauline, that I never liked you
0:24:39 > 0:24:41when we first met either.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Did I hear that there was lokshen pudding on offer?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Joe, I think it's time your mam went back to the home.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52She's just got here, think of that wheelchair's carbon footprint!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Howay, Mam, I think you've probably done enough.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58But I was just saying that she grew on us...like mould.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Well, penicillin's a mould, people love that!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I'm sorry if you overheard me outburst
0:25:06 > 0:25:08but I think we should sort out, calmly,
0:25:08 > 0:25:09where this wedding is going to be.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It has to be York - there is no other way.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Of course.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18There's only the Susan way, we haven't even asked Ben.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Ben, are you allowed an opinion?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Well, we could compromise.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25No, Ben, we couldn't, be quiet.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Right, enough! What are you arguing about?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Your special day, Sarah. - Your special day, our Sarah.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32But it's not up to either of you anyway!
0:25:32 > 0:25:33You're not paying for it.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Me and Jack are going to have to save up and do it ourselves.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39And then maybe, just maybe, we'll think about inviting you.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41But unless someone can actually pay for it,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43we're a long way off any kind of "special day".
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- - I'll pay for your wedding. - What?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'll pay for your wedding,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I love a wedding, don't you?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- Mam, you haven't got any money. - Who hasn't?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59I've got more money than you and Mrs Shoe-shop put together.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Gran, you don't even have a bank account.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04You only recently stopped trying to use your ration book.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Joe, check if she's got her pills mixed up again.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08We might have to take her to the hospital.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09I'm going nowhere!
0:26:09 > 0:26:13I keep me money where I know it'll be safe - inside me Tigger.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16That's not Geordie slang for something, is it?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18No, it's not, you cheeky mare.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23He's me porcelain tiger, I've had him since Joe was born.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25He's got all sorts inside him.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Liquorice All Sorts?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30No, stuff your grandad used to bring home off the ships.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35South Sea pearls, silver dollars, Krugerrands.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Mind, there's no euros in there.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- I won't have them in the house. - Are you serious?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43No, Joe, I'm joking.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47I'm an 84-year-old woman who's carted a porcelain tiger
0:26:47 > 0:26:50round for the last 50 years because it was filled with nothing(!)
0:26:50 > 0:26:53But...why didn't you use it when we needed it?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Like when Dad left?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I knew that me and you would be all right.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02I was keeping it for me grandkids for when they needed it.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04And I think one of them needs it now.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Really? You'll pay for our wedding?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I will...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11but there's some conditions.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Firstly...
0:27:15 > 0:27:16it's going to be in Hebburn.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Oh, what a lovely idea.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24And secondly, we'll do it my way.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Well, what do you think?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I'm not really sure.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38How many big, fat gypsies are going to be at this wedding?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- We look well lush, don't we? - Of course we do.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Ramsey, what do you think?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47You look like an angel, Denise, an angel.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Maybe we should re-think this.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Don't worry, I'll have a word with Dot.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I'm sure I can get her to tone it down.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59NAN AND PAULINE LAUGH
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Hey!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Mazel tov, pet!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05JEWISH MUSIC
0:28:05 > 0:28:06Mazel tov!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd