0:00:30 > 0:00:34- You OK?- Yeah. It's just, I haven't really seen you all week.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37You're seeing me now, aren't you? Look, I'm here!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38You've got mail.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42"I'll take you for dinner", you said. "It'll be romantic."
0:00:42 > 0:00:43We're having dinner.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48And look there's a rose in a jam jar. That proves it's romantic.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Don't mind me, pet. I've never had the cheesecake here.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Whoa!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Phil 'The Power' Taylor! Watch yourself!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02This isn't exactly 'as advertised'.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Would you not just like the whole thing there, Dot?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Me? No, Sarah. I'm on a diet.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Doesn't everyone look lovely? Say cheesecake!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13ALL BUT SARAH: Cheesecake!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16That was such a lovely evening, wasn't it?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I'll remember it for ever.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23I'll remember the bill for ever. £55 for six pizzas.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27For that kind of money, you want a genuine Italian doing the cooking,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29not Derek I went to bloody school with.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33His accent's fooling no-one, same as when he worked at the Star Of India.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35He was kind enough to liquidise your mam's pizza
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- so she could get it past her new teeth.- Yeah.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Nothing says 'a good night out' like a pepperoni smoothie.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Eating out's overrated anyway.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48All I need is a wedge of cheddar, a pyramid of pickle
0:01:48 > 0:01:50and a pork pie the size of me head.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52With your heart the way it is, you'd best savour that,
0:01:52 > 0:01:57because as of tomorrow, we're going completely pork-pie free and cheeseless.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Pauline...- No! We're making sure you live long enough
0:01:59 > 0:02:01to see your grandbairns.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05After all, this albums' full of photographs of children, not cheddar.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I should've had the quattro formaggio.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Ah, look.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Look at our Jack.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19He's such a bonny bairn.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And he's grown up so kind and thoughtful.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24You never think, Jack! You never, ever think.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"Oh, yes, Mum, we can have another wedding.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"Yes, Mum, we'll move in with you. Yes, Mum, Sarah can move her PhD."
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Look, one of these interviews is going to pay off.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Obviously things aren't 100% perfect.- No.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36They're a 100% imperfect.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37It's temporary.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40The thing with journalism, you got to go where the work is.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42You don't know where we could be in a month.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Where's tomorrow's interview then?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Barnsley.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Right. Barnsley doesn't feature that heavily in my dreams.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Plus, I'm run off my feet. Washing, cleaning, bleaching.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56You don't have to do all that.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- I am a guest in someone else's house! - Do what I do.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01When you feel the need to chip in, don't!
0:03:01 > 0:03:02< He's right Sarah!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04SHE SIGHS
0:03:04 > 0:03:07And will we ever have a minute's privacy?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Whispering doesn't make any difference.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11He's right, knock all this Cinderella crap on the head,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13you're making us both look bad.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16But she can't be Cinderella cos she had two ugly sisters.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18All right?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Ah, Denise.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I was just saying, you're like one of the family, aren't you?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24He's calling you an ugly sister.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Ha. I'm not ugly. I'm handsome.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28That's what the modelling agency said.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30That's why they couldn't use us.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Yeah, in the same way they couldn't use Louis Spence in the SAS for being too butch.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Still can't get a job?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I just haven't come across the right one yet.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Maybe the right one was staring you in the face, Jack.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44You just didn't realise it until it was too late.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45What you on about?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47But you could always go back to it, you know.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Wouldn't mind that you'd seen other jobs in the meantime.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Even posh, blonde jobs.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Are you talking about me?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56No, just jobs.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Still got your silk boxers then, Jack?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I thought you left them on the beach that bank holiday
0:04:02 > 0:04:03we got lost in the sand dunes.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Yeah. I got him new, clean ones.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09The other ones were old and tatty, Denise.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13You know, and sort of worn away at the crutch from overuse?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Was she talking about me?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Oh, look!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23It's our Jack's first article he ever got published.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27"Stuffed Puffin Collector Collects 9th Puffin."
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I'm surprised Panorama weren't straight on the phone
0:04:30 > 0:04:31after that one.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Panorama's loss was the dole queue's gain.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I hope he gets this job. You know what he's like.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39He reckons he's too good for them.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40He's living his dream.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42But when do we get to live our dream?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45This is it, Joe. This is it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Right. I'm starting to wish it was a dream now.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51You were the one who told him not to settle for second best.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I was talking about Denise, wasn't I? And I was right.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57That Sarah's a lovely lass.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Mind you, she couldn't make a cup of tea to save her life.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Oh, Joe! She's in a strange house,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06working with different water, different cups.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Well, that last brew she made fair bruised me taste buds.- Look!
0:05:10 > 0:05:14It's photos of when your mam took us to celebrate
0:05:14 > 0:05:17her cold weather payments at that new Chinese. Remember?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Those chips were great. And the gravy wasn't bad.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Don't worry about our Jack.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24He's got his head screwed on.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Take it back! I was not an accident, I was planned!
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Don't be daft, who would plan you?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Night, then.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Night, Denise! Any way,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33how can I be an accident when I'm the favourite?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36How can you be when Gran's paying for MY wedding?
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- Who cares? She's buying me a car! - What?!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42A car? Really?
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Yeah. With wheels and all the trimmings. I'm getting it tomorrow.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Is this true?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Is Gran going to expose us to the dangers of the Geordie Clarkson?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52She said as she's paying for your wedding,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54it's fair she get your sister something.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Any way, never mind that. Bed time.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Oh, no, Mam, not yet!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00- It's too early for bed! - I don't want to hear any whining.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Jack, you've got an interview, Vicki you're picking up your car.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Now brush your teeth and get to bed, the pair of you.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- WHINING:- Oh, Mam!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Go on. Away you go.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Hold on, I'm 25 years old! I'm a grown man!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Bed!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Eee, I cannae wait to get me car.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Dot picked it out special.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22She says it's like a dream on wheels.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Does Postman Pat know you've pimped his ride then?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Three grand.- Done deal.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36I just need to sort out a couple of things and you can take it tomorrow.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Tomorrow? But... I want it now.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Aye, but I have sort out a couple of...enginey things.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45But I've got to drop our Jack at the station,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49then we're getting our legs waxed up The Wax Hatch.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I enjoy a smoothness, you see.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Helps me stockings glide on.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And off.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Hmm. Lovely(!)
0:06:56 > 0:06:59But it wouldn't be right to let you take it without us fixing it up.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03SHE SOBS LOUDLY
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Look what you've done to her, James Carter!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I knew your gran! If she could see you now,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12she'd be blushing in her grave!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15And I went to her funeral as well!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- Really?- Poor, Joan.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- June.- June.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Get her a glass of water, mate, eh?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33He's gone. You're all right, pet.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35What are you doing?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Do you want a lift to the station in my mint new car or not?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Well, yeah, but not if...
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Shut up then. Let your sister do what she does best.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46You can't just burst out crying every time something doesn't go your way!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Well, how does Sarah win arguments with you then?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51We don't really argue. We just keep talking things through,
0:07:51 > 0:07:52until I feel like crying.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Like I say, you'll have to come back tomor...
0:08:02 > 0:08:03- SCREECHING:- Nooooo!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05SHE SOBS LOUDLY
0:08:07 > 0:08:10See? Easier than peasy.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Well played, pet.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15The retching was maybe a bit much, but I appreciate we were in a hurry.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Me own car! I don't think I've ever felt lusher.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Oh, I feel like the Queen!
0:08:21 > 0:08:24We should get some Corgis in here.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26There's not much room. You'd have to put them on a roof-rack.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I tell you how lush I feel.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I feel like Cheryl when she drove that tank in Afghanistan.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- I'm feeling shell-shocked meself. - Shut up, Jack. You're just jealous.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And who can blame you?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I'm putting another wash on.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I got the stuff from the bathroom and picked Vicki's thongs off the floor.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Is there anything else to go in? - No thanks, pet.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- Mind, there's a load finishing. - I'll put it in the tumbler.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54The tumbler's finishing a load, as well.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Well, I'll wait for that to finish, then I'll fold it and put it away,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01then put the load from the machine in the tumbler,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- then put the new lot into the washing machine.- Sounds like a plan.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- You don't have to, Sarah. - Oh, it's the least I can do.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I hope Jack gets this job. I mean, we love having you here pet, but...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Haven't been able to go round in just me pants for over a month.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18I was going to say, they need their own space.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19It's too cramped for them.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21They'll end up like apes in a zoo, walking in circles
0:09:21 > 0:09:23flinging their poo about.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I've been helping Jack with his interview technique,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29and as long as he gets the dynamic right, it's a done deal.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Dynamic. When was the last time you were dynamic, Joe?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Ooh...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Last week when the kids were out, remember?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I didn't mean like that!
0:09:38 > 0:09:39SHE LAUGHS
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Honestly!
0:09:41 > 0:09:42SHE GIGGLES
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Right, while I'm waiting, does anyone want a cup of tea?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Ooh, aye, I'm absolutely parched!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Actually, on second thoughts, I won't bother.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Never mind tea, aren't you supposed to be cleaning the shower plug hole?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- I know, but I think I've pulled me back again.- Mm.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Well, I suppose I could... have a go at the plug hole.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Good lass. You'll be needing the special fork.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08You know, there's no reason why
0:10:08 > 0:10:10we can't have a little drinks cabinet in the back.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13MOBILE RINGS
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Hi, Sarah, how's it going?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I think I might actually be turning INTO laundry. How are you?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22We're doing a Geordie remake of The Fast And The Furious.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Do you remember what we went through last night?
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Yep - confident, friendly, positive and ambidextrous.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Ambitious!
0:10:29 > 0:10:34Joking! Confident, friendly, positive and ambitious. I've got it.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Just...be the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Handshake?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Firm, but not crushing.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42You could do to learn that, with your Vulcan Death Grip.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Research says that most interviewers make up their mind in the first minute.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50So just keep it together for 60 seconds. Then you can be yourself.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52No me for the first minute. Got it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Really big kiss, babe, good luck.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Thanks, pet. Call you later.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Bye, Dot.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Act like you've already got the job. Then they'll HAVE to give you it.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Aye, maybe. Cheers, Vick.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Really big kiss, babes, good luck.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18You know how to get back to Hebburn from here, aye?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I'm not an idiot, idiot.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26There you are, flower. You can put all the plug hole hair in that.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Right. Thanks.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Hey, thanks to you for volunteering. Makes me gag every time I do it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Surely a carrier bag would be big enough?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38You'd think so, wouldn't you?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oop...'ey.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47You're looking very sprightly for a man with a faulty spine.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Right, I'd better get off to the chemist for some liniment.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- I'm telling you, me back's stiffer than a wooden vicar.- Actually,
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I'm going to the chemist later, I can pick it up for you.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02No, you're all right, pet. It's...a very...specialist kind of liniment.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Mind, I might want you to drive me somewhere later.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09So don't have more than a PINT of liniment.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Never mind about the plug hole, pet.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Joe can do that after he's been anesthetised.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Honestly, I don't mind doing my bit.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- You know, I remember... Here.- Oh.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26I remember when we we're living with Joe's mam
0:12:26 > 0:12:28and she had me running round doing all sorts
0:12:28 > 0:12:30and she couldn't stop interfering.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I hope I'm not like that.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34No, of course not.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Now, you did use non-biological powder, didn't you?- Yes.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Otherwise Jack gets a rash.- I know.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- On his...- I know.- ..special area.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- I know. - We're talking about his penis, pet.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47I know.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I love being somewhere we've never been before.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Are we SUPPOSED to be somewhere we've never been before?- No.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08We're supposed to be at the Wax Hatch, getting dipped, ripped and stripped.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I think we're lost.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Really? You think?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Gran, where did you get this map?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19They gave them out.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20During the war.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- During the war? - Aye, to the pilots.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Did you fly planes in the war?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31No, I handed the maps out. I loved doing me bit.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, and I'll tell you, pet,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36you've not lived until you've felt a pilot's gratitude.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- There's no roads on it.- Course not.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46You get shot down behind enemy lines, you don't use the roads.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Is this France?!
0:13:47 > 0:13:52I'm saying nowt. Careless talk costs lives.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Hiya, Joe. Pint of bitter?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I'd put up very little resistance to that, Siobhan.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Aye-aye, Joe!
0:14:03 > 0:14:07All right, Geoff. What brings the editor of the Hebburn Advertiser to this part of town?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Doing an expose on who's been nicking me hanging baskets?
0:14:10 > 0:14:112.10, love.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I'm off to the war memorial.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Apparently, someone's spray-painted graffiti on the big cannon.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Balls either side?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Yeah, the usual. We'll just use the photograph from last time.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I'm taking early retirement.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Aye? Me too. I've got arthritis. Both hands.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I can't even use the TV remote.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I haven't chosen me own television programme for two years.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41The only ones I get to see are them where Judi Dench wears that bonnet.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And don't get me started on Loose Women.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47It's like a live version of that round our house every day, no wonder me heart's knackered.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50And I've got to give up drinking. Cheers.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I hear young Jack's back.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Well, not so young any more. He's a married man.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I remember when he started at the Advertiser.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Fresh from journalism college.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04That interview with the stuffed puffin man...very probing.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06But Jack was meant for bigger things.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08He told me that every day.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11So, why don't you tell me something about yourself?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13OK, well, can I be completely honest with you, Malcolm?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15It's Martin, but, yes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Oh, right. Sorry.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Erm, the thing about me is,
0:15:18 > 0:15:23I'm confident, friendly, positive and...
0:15:23 > 0:15:25It's not ambidextrous. Ambitious!
0:15:25 > 0:15:30Not that I've got anything against the ambidextrous. You've got to hand it to them, haven't you?!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I...I'm just joking. No?
0:15:33 > 0:15:38O...K. And what about your general approach to writing?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40You just have to stick to your guns.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42OK, it can cause friction.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I lost count of the number of arguments I had with me last editor.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Mind you, he was a bit dim.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Funnily enough he was from Barnsley, actually!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53I'm not saying that you're all like him. Er, I mean, you seem normal enough.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Thank you.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00So what would you say your biggest weaknesses were?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Some people would say I probably care about my work too much.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05But I couldn't care less.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I...I care about the work.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I couldn't care less about other people's opinions. Except yours.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Has it been a minute yet?- What?
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Have I been in here for a minute?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Er, yes, probably.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- Oh, thank God for that. - HE EXHALES
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I could tell you about some of me other weaknesses, if you want.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27OK, if you're absolutely sure, Denise.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- 'Definitely. Going forward's always the best way to go.'- Right. Laters.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Right, Gran, we're going forward.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38ENGINE FAILS TO START
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Is it supposed to sound like that?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Why don't you ring your dad for help, pet?
0:16:49 > 0:16:54No! I'm trying to show him that I'm a strong independent woman, like...Beyonce.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56But with a normal arse.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Well, how about getting your man-friend to pick up? You know, the pub singer lad.
0:17:01 > 0:17:07He's not a pub singer. He's a singer. Who...works in pubs.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Anyway, he hasn't got his own car yet.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13The record company's gonna buy him a limo once he gets his big break.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16We might not be able to wait that long.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I think Robbie wants to leave Take That again.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Oh, God.
0:17:21 > 0:17:27Look, I reckon if I just keep on trying, it'll eventually start.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It will give in before I do.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31ENGINE FAILS TO START
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yes, I would describe meself as a team player.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37But as the member of the team who's also captain.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Because there's no "I" in team.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43But there is an "I" in captain.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47So... Hold on, Sarah wrote this down for us.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Don't worry.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52So, where do you see yourself five years from now?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Well, if it all goes to plan, I'll be about to publish me third bestseller.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Probably have a weekly column. But like a...page-sized one.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01In the Barnsley Gazette?
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Oh, God, no. Probably like the Guardian, or the Independent.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08But...I'd like to continue to contribute to the Barnsley Gazette.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Maybe as like a guest restaurant reviewer?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Interesting.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I started to tell you, but that fella, the brother,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19after he had his operation, he looked just like a turnip.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23And not a very nice turnip.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Mind you, he always had something of the root vegetable about him.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Now, I knew a singer once who used to croon down the Hippodrome.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Bertie Digweed.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Well, I think that about covers it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Are there any questions you'd like to ask me?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Oh, I'm supposed to ask questions, aren't I?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Erm...yeah, what would be the...
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Could I sort of... Have you ever noticed... Ohhh.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Should I just send the next bloke in?- If you wouldn't mind.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- This hasn't gone brilliantly, has it?- Do you want me to be honest?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Yeah. No.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Oh, Sarah said I need to get feedback, so... Yeah.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09OK. Here goes. From the first minute you walked in...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Aye, the first minute. But after that I relaxed!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Yeah, and it got worse.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Oh.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18I think you're probably not suited to the Barnsley Gazette.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I did everything you said. Good handshake, proper friendly. I even gave him a hug.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23A hug? Oh, Jack.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I was being positive. And I know I came across as ambitious.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29And talk about confident. Honestly, Sarah, I was...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Too confident. - Almost certainly.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Jack, you idiot.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36It wasn't right for me anyway.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I'd end up doing more local stories about bloody puffin collectors!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Look, you need a job.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45We can't spend our lives lurching from one disaster to another.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47So, please stop lurching!
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I am not lurching!
0:19:51 > 0:19:55All the romantic numbers, he used to do that one -
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Kiss Me Underneath Me Plum Tree.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Lovely mellow tone, he had, and we used to go down there
0:20:02 > 0:20:08every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. Me and Betty Wallis.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11All right! Enough's enough!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14You know with Sarah down the chemist and the kids out?
0:20:14 > 0:20:19- Mm-hmm.- A man could get to feeling a shade dynamic.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Could he?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22He most definitely could.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Well, it's a shame that man has apparently put his back out, isn't it?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Well if you knew that man as well as I do, you'd soon realise...
0:20:31 > 0:20:34PHONE RINGS
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Hello, my angel, how's life on the road?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42INDISTICT SCREAMING
0:20:42 > 0:20:43It's for you.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Hiya pet, how's it going?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Eee! Never!
0:20:49 > 0:20:54The car's broken down. Where are yous, pet?
0:20:54 > 0:20:59They don't know, but she says she can see an old church.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Could be Saint John's. Ask her if it's been converted into a Tesco metro.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Your Dad's asking if it's been converted into a Tesco Metro?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10She says, "No, it's a MacDonalds."
0:21:10 > 0:21:15MacDonalds? That'll be the Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart. She got well lost, didn't she.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Tell her we'll be there in 20 minutes.- Your Dad says we'll be there in 20...
0:21:18 > 0:21:19SCREAMS
0:21:19 > 0:21:23We'll be there in ten minutes, flower.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Howay, Captain Dynamic!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Can I get you one, chuckles? - Pint, Siobhan.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- A'right, man. We're celebrating. Ramsey's got a new job.- What?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40The boy that school forgot just waltzed in and bagged himself a job?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42GLASS SMASHES
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Ramsey!- As long as they don't ask him to multi task, he should be fine.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47What kind of job is it?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Working for the Hebburn Advertiser.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53What's he going to report on? Petty crime in the Ramsey area?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Have you heard I'm in the news?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Aye. Congratulations, son.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02He said, "I like you. You're confident, friendly, positive and ambitious."
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Howay then, what's this job?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Physical Distribution Manager.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Even give us me own satchel and everything, look.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Physical Distribution Manager? So it's a paper round?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18How, man, at least he's got a job.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23You can physically distribute me tonight.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26As much as you can manage, Ramsey, sonna.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Mint.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33And it turns out the dirty bugger had been parallel parking
0:22:33 > 0:22:37in the disabled bay with Janet. You know - Wheelchair Janet.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38She found that chair...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Hello, flower.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42..and milked it for a new bungalow...
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- All right, Mam. - Ah, come on, let's get you home.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Home? Pauline, look at them, we need to get them down to the pub, stat.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53She just won't stop...
0:22:53 > 0:22:54We had a lovely chat...
0:22:54 > 0:22:58She just won't stop. She keeps on talking about all of these people
0:22:58 > 0:23:01and I don't know who any of them are,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03but I know everything about their lives.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I know. After a while it starts to burn, doesn't it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09SOBS
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Aye, aye, Jack.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Hello, Geoff.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Good to see you. Ee, I was speaking to your dad earlier,
0:23:18 > 0:23:22he said you had an interview at the Barnsley Gazette.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Yeah but, I decided it wouldn't be challenging enough.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I might see if any airline magazines need anyone.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- I'm retiring, Jack.- Congrats, Geoff.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Looking for a new editor.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Well, good luck finding someone who's prepared to spend their life
0:23:34 > 0:23:38deciding what goes on that front page. "Lost Dog Found" or "Man Sees Thing".
0:23:38 > 0:23:43Still, editor of your own newspaper? Come on, you're a smart lad.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Me? Oh, thanks for the offer, Geoff. But what you're suggesting there
0:23:47 > 0:23:50is the career equivalent of being the prettiest troll.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Oh, come on.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Hi, Pet. I, er... I popped in to see if you're here.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Did you now?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59By the way, Sarah, Geoff.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Geoff, Sarah, my wife. - Hello, flower.- Hiya.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03You OK?
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Yeah, sorry about getting mad with you earlier on the phone.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I was a bit frightened to go home in case you used your death grip on us.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Don't worry. You can tell me exactly what happened at the interview,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19then we'll make a really detailed plan of what you should do next time.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Great. Do you want a drink?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Um...I'll decide when I get back from the toilet.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Disabled lavvy key, Siobhan! The Eagle is in danger of landing.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32How did your interview go, pet?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Plus side, they let us know straight away.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Minus side, they said, "definitely not."
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Aw, you could probably do with a big cuddle from your mam.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Hash tag - dole!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Stop sparing the horses! Howay.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56All right, Jack. We've just had a thrilling motorcar adventure.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Somewhere in between Herbie and The Italian Job, but with loads more sobbing.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Wow, looks like everybody's had a tip top day.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05And what can I get you two?
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- Breezer. Pint. All the flavours. - Pint, please, Siobhan.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Where's Sarah?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14In the toilet deciding whether she wants a drink or not.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Is she?!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28What you doin' pet? You've been in here for... Eee!
0:25:28 > 0:25:33I thought so. When our Jack said you were deciding if you wanted a drink or not...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Please don't tell anyone.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37So, is it negative? Or is it pregative?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Pregative.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49You don't look very happy about it. For most the lasses round here,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52that's the first step on the property ladder.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55It's just...we've got nothing.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Don't be daft. You've got us, haven't you?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Your family. And you'll never get rid of us, pet.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Won't I?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09And we are going to love this little one
0:26:09 > 0:26:13more than Jordan loved Peter.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Until the divorce, when they both suddenly did all that realising.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- But what about my PhD? - I told you, dafty. You're family.
0:26:21 > 0:26:27While you're off at your university, I'll take good care of the baby.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31- Mind, I'm not touching it if it shits.- What about my plans?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- I wanted to be the next Karen Horney. - Is she a porn star?
0:26:35 > 0:26:39She's a famous female psychologist. She developed
0:26:39 > 0:26:41the theory of womb envy.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43But now you don't need to be envious.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46You've got a womb and it's chock full of bairn.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51I don't know how to tell Jack. This could completely freak him out.
0:26:51 > 0:26:57All you need to do is show him this. Blokes act on instinct.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You'll know if he's ready by the first thing he does.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02If he stays, you're laughin'.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07If he runs, me mam'll kill him anyway, so you're still laughin'.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Oh, come 'ere.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Lovely to see you all. Goodnight. - Nice one. See ya, Geoff.- See ya.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18So, where's your next interview? Gotham Gazette?
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- I'll have to have another look, see what's out there. - You need to find something.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23- You can't stay with us forever.- Course they can!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- They can stay way beyond what's acceptable.- Fine.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- Can I get another round in for anyone?- Hit me.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33- Wine, Joe. The one that Sarah drinks.- Pint Jack?
0:27:33 > 0:27:39- Cheers, Dad.- Sarah, what do you want? Wine? The one that you drink?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Can you I just borrow Jack for a minute?
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- Course you can, pet.- I'll never get the round in at this rate.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49- All right?- So...upset we're not Barnsley bound?
0:27:49 > 0:27:54Not really. I'll find something. In fact, I've just had an offer tonight.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55What? Really?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Geoff from the Advertiser. Offered me the job of editor on a plate.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I told him, moving back to Hebburn for a bit is one thing,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03but I can't go back to where I worked as a teenager.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07What's up?
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Is that...?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Pregative.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Well, what did he say?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32He just left.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34The little bastard!
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Siobhan, Geoff'll have another pint, me Dad's paying.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Then we're ganna sit down and show me the ropes.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43- That I will, Son, that I will. - Thank you.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48Right... Celebration, man.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Your son's going to be the new editor of the Hebburn Advertiser.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57So, how many puffins have you got now then?
0:28:57 > 0:28:59- Eight.- Eight?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01You had nine puffins five year back.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Aye, I lost one.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07SIGHS
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd