0:00:38 > 0:00:40- Namaste.- Morning, Miriam.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I changed my name - it's Marial.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Course you did. What Miriam wouldn't want to be a Marial?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48So, bro, what's with the suit?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I'm off to work. Do you remember work?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Hey, I work. I just choose not to have a career.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Hey, I'm the new editor of the Hebburn Advertiser.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00So I, too, have chosen not to have a career. Come in.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Sarah! Your sister's here! She's changed her name again!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06It's Marial now!
0:01:07 > 0:01:08I can't believe you're here!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Hello!- Yeah, me, neither.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Last I heard, you were in Namibia, building a tree house for worms.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Funny as always, Jack(!)
0:01:16 > 0:01:18But jokes hide the pain we're feeling inside.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22That's Gaviscon you're thinking of. I'd better be off.
0:01:22 > 0:01:27- Bye, girls.- Ooh! Girls! Is that what we are now? Not women?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Oh, hold your horses, Emily Pankhurst.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Oh, before you go, could you take Marial's bag upstairs, please?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Oh, yeah, could you?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Right on, sisters. I'll do it when I get back, bye!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Tell me everything!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I want to know everything about the Geordie culture.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48And a wedding? Again? This is going to be fascinating.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49There is something else.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Go for it.- I'm pregnant.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Oh, I knew it!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Listen, we're keeping it really quiet.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Only Jack's family know, so please don't tell Mum and Dad.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01It can wait till after the wedding.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05No probs, babes. Oh, this is such good news!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I'm afraid it's bad news.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Someone has very high blood pressure.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Probably because someone else runs really hot baths for 45 minutes.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- This is serious, Joe. - I know, you want to see my gas bill.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- It's a bloody travesty.- Joe, please! I'm worried! This is about you.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Now, will you shut up?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I'm talking about a complete change of lifestyle.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29No fatty foods, whatsoever. And, most of all, relax.
0:02:29 > 0:02:35- De-stress. Pauline, you can help him with this.- Can I? Oh, you're right.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37It'll be me new project.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Nice one. She's got a new project. - Listen, I'm your wife.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Your partner through this journey we call life.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And I'm not doing all the last bit on me own.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Besides which, you've got a grandchild on the way.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Sarah has been to see you about our special news, hasn't she?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I'm sorry, Pauline, I cannot discuss another patient.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Of course. But her and the baby are doing fine, are they?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59I really couldn't say.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Did you hear that? They're doing fine!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04But the doctor says you need relaxing.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05So relaxing's what you're going to get.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10From now on, Joe, wherever you turn, there I'll be, de-stressing you.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Thanks a lot, mate(!)
0:03:16 > 0:03:17'Hebburn Advertiser.'
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Hi, it's Jack Pearson.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21'Who?'
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Jack Pearson, the new editor. Starting today.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Just letting you know I'm on my way into the office.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26'Oh, it's a story, is it?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28'I'll put you through to the news desk.'
0:03:28 > 0:03:31No, look, I... Oh, never mind.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Do you think that chips know they're chips?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Maybe some chips want to be something more.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46What? Like mash?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Or waffles?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50To see the world.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52To really live.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Chips want that?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Vicki, I've been offered a gig.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00You've already got a gig, singing at Swayzes.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Five nights a week and twice on Sundays.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05And as long as you keep on cleaning it,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Siobhan'll let you stay in the spare room.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12I know, I know, but it's the same old songs, the same old people.
0:04:13 > 0:04:18I need to grow, I need to spread my wings as an artist.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Where's this gig, then?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Great Yarmouth.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Summer season, four months.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Four months?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32But...what about us?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Hey, babe, we'll make it, yeah?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37You're breaking my heart.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43Cheryl teaches us that I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45But you're going to Great Yarmouth.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48And you're cutting a hole in me parachute.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Vicki. Vicki, wait.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Bloody hell.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16DOOR OPENS
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Hi.- Hello. All right?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I'm David Cowgill,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26photographer and sub-editor. And I'm also the news team.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Ah, right. Jack Pearson, new editor. I'm glad you're here, mate.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33As the new editor, I want to try and make this
0:05:33 > 0:05:36a lot more of a hard-hitting, dynamic paper.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39What are the hot new stories you think we should be covering?
0:05:39 > 0:05:43OK. There's this bloke starting a new job.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45They said he might be coming in later.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- That was me! - Should I get a photo?
0:05:49 > 0:05:50No.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Look, there must be something else we can do a story on.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54There's this couple getting remarried.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Apparently, when they got married the first time,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59they were pissed up in Vegas. Idiots.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00That was me, as well.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I'll definitely get a photo, then.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04No! And I'm not an idiot!
0:06:04 > 0:06:08It'll make life easier, now the main source of news actually works here.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- Can you smell something? - (SNIFFS) Whose is that?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- It's drugs!- Eh?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It's drugs! We'll have the bloody police round!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26MARIAL CHANTS
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Marial's just singing to the baby.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Chanting. I learnt a special chant in the rainforest.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I learnt one at the football, but I'll not be singing it at the baby.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Are you Sarah's sister?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Namaste.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Of course you can stay, flower. Can't she, Joe?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Why not? Everyone else seems to these days.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Can I just say, there's a great energy in this house.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Thanks, pet. It's electric.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Apart from the hob and the heating, that's gas.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56She made me some peppermint tea. It's supposed to help with stress.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Ooh! Did you hear that, Joe? Peppermint tea?
0:06:59 > 0:07:00I'll get you some.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03You're all right, I'll just squeeze some toothpaste into me Tetley's.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05That might not be a bad idea.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Right, if you'll excuse me, ladies,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I'll just pop off to me shed to meditate.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Or, as I call it, sheditate.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Joe needs to get his blood pressure down, Marial.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19So I'm de-stressing him out.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Marial can help you with that, couldn't you, sis?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33If I squeeze just here, it's making you more relaxed, yeah?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37No. But I feel like I want to relax
0:07:37 > 0:07:39and that's half the battle, isn't it?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43It sometimes takes a second.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Oh, you bugger!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Ooh.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Eeeh.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I haven't felt like this since I met Rick Astley!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59If Joe's going to de-stress, it's important you do, too.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You're in a symbiotic relationship.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03No, he's never hit us.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06She means you feed off each other.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Not since the honeymoon.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Right, we need to get people reading the paper.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14As my old editor used to say over and over again,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16"People won't read just any old rubbish".
0:08:16 > 0:08:21I reckon folk buy the Advertiser for the pictures, not the articles.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Bonniest bairns, ugliest bride.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26We do an ugliest bride section?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Nah, but that's what folk look for.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33Right. Leave that, focus on content.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Last year, the biggest news story was "Jedward Don't Open New Supermarket".
0:08:37 > 0:08:38That's not the worst of it, man.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Turns out, there wasn't even a new supermarket.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Pork pie?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Pork bloody pie?!
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Have you got a death wish, Joe?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I'm not eating them! I'm just saying goodbye to them!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55What about Sarah and Marial?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58To a Jew, a pork pie is pure evil in a crust!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- You're starting to stress me out now.- Right, here, give us your hand.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Give us your hand.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Ow! What are you doing?- Hold still.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13It's to relax you. Sometimes it takes a second.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Anything?- Aye. That one feels quite good, in comparison.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20No.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Now they feel the same. Thanks(!)
0:09:24 > 0:09:26He says he's going away again. I don't know what to do,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Last time he went away, he shagged a cocktail waitress from Byker
0:09:29 > 0:09:32and I know he'll do it again and I can't let him, Sarah.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I can't. I can't. I can't.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Who's this? Gervaise? The man with the golden gums?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'm sorry to bother you, pet.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I know we don't always see eye to eye, cos you're all posh
0:09:45 > 0:09:48and you think you're better than the rest of us...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- I really don't.- ..but I've got no-one else to talk to.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54I'd normally tell Denise, but she's having her shoulders waxed,
0:09:54 > 0:09:55so it was you or nothing.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It's always good to know I'm better than nothing.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Listen, if your relationship is worth it,
0:10:00 > 0:10:01you'll weather the ups and downs.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Look at me and Jack. When we were in Manchester, we were on the up.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07Everything was fine, but now we're in...
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Hebburn. So we're a down, are we, Sarah?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13No, no. Hebburn's fine.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15It's just, well, we're here at your mum and dad's.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19So me mum and dad's is the worst place in Hebburn, is it, Sarah?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22No, of course not. It's just we don't have our own place, do we,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24like a married couple should?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26But we'll be fine...
0:10:26 > 0:10:29because, we've got each other.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I hear what you're saying.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32You do?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Yeah.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I'm going to ask Gervaise to move in here with us.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I don't...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45What if the advertiser became a campaigning newspaper?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47People love that.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Remember when the Daily Mail tried to ban mixer taps?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52This campaign, would it be for something or against something?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- For, definitely for something.- What? I mean, what does Hebburn need?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57A good kick up the arse.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58They won't like it if we print that again.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02OK. Well, what about a statue
0:11:02 > 0:11:05to commemorate one of our most significant citizens?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07That Antony Gormley could do it.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08A statue of you, you mean?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11No. It's the Hebburn Advertiser, not the Jack Express.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14You reckon? I mean, you know, you're starting a new job,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17you're getting remarried, now you're launching a campaign.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You've got to be worth a statue.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23No! When will people realise that I am not important?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28SOOTHING MUSIC
0:11:30 > 0:11:33It's all about finding the centre.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36The centre's very important, aye.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38It can really open your eyes, this kind of therapy, Joe.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You ought to try giving a bit to this referee.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42DOORBELL
0:11:42 > 0:11:44< Joe? Get that, will you?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I can't, it'll knacker my chakras.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I could go if you'll be OK here?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I think I'll manage, pet.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54If I don't move, my ying should stay next to my yang, shouldn't it?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56In theory, yeah.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I'll probably stay put, then.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You know, just be on the safe side.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Who are you, like?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Hi, I'm Marial, Sarah's sister. - Right.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13So are you Jewish as well, then?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Actually, I don't follow a specific doctrine.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19You're not wearing a bra. Is that a Jewish thing?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- No.- Right.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23So, you one of them lesbians, like?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I don't think the two go hand in hand.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I couldn't not wear a bra, me.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I've got too much respect for Thelma and Louise, here.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I think it's important as women, we aren't defined by our physicality.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Listen, love, I get defined by my sucky-in pants, that's all I need.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39What?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Vicki in?
0:12:42 > 0:12:43She's upstairs.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Vicki!
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Vicki! Vicki!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53And the pool of calm is drained once more.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58FOOTBALL CROWD CHANTING ON TV
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Eee! It's Gervaise!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I'm in a proper state.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I don't think I'll ever be happy, ever again!
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Have you forgotten about tonight? Hen night.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Eee!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15And you're going to need a bra for tonight.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Push it all up, like, sort out your top shelf goods.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Is that so important?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22It is, unless you want to pay for your own drinks all night.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24We'll give you a proper makeover.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You cannot hang with our crew looking like a homeless hobbit.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30BOTH: Hen night, hen night,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Who's hen night are you going on?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Yours, man, you daft cow!
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Eee!
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Oh...
0:13:48 > 0:13:53So, Jack, how was your first day as a media mogul?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55I'm afraid I did very little moguling.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- To be honest, I don't think I moguled at all.- Oh.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Anyway, why are you all dolled up like a female Davina McCall?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02We're going out on Sarah's hen night.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Sarah's?- Mm-hm.- Right.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Does Sarah know about Sarah's hen night?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Aye, Vicki and Denise have let her know.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12BOTH: Hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night!
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Woo-hoo!- Woo-hoo!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Bloody hen night!
0:14:18 > 0:14:19SHE LAUGHS
0:14:20 > 0:14:22HE LAUGHS
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Right. We're off out.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Have fun tonight, my angel. - You behave while I'm gone.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31No booze, no cheese, no pies, pasties or pastries.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34No fun, whatsoever. Understood, Group Captain.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36It's for your own good.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I'm not having youse snack your way into an early grave.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40All right, all right.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Please, Joe. It's important.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- I want you to try and outlive me. - Why, where's the fun in that?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Do it for me?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51All right, if it makes you happy, I'll outlive you.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Thanks, pet.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57If you think this is bad, you should see the Sarah Is A Tart t-shirt
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- they wanted me to wear.- Well, you'll model that one for me later.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I see you and Mariel's been Hebburnised.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04She's got the skin tone of a wotsit.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08She's loving every second of it, she's experiencing a new culture.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You'd think this was Thailand, not Tyneside.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12We'd best be off and pick up Dot.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- You're not taking Gran on the hen night, are you?- Of course we are.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17We are hitting the town
0:15:17 > 0:15:22and we are painting anywhere with suitable disabled access red!
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Ha, ha! Howay, Sarah.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Pray for me?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Oh, don't forget, your dad's to drink nothing but peppermint tea
0:15:31 > 0:15:35and if he stops relaxing for a second, pounce on him.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Howay!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Good luck.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Leave us a bit.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58No, you know the new rule.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Look at the pie, do not touch the pie.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I'd be happy with just an inch of crust or a couple of crumbs.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06No, Mum'll go barmy.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Anyway, I want you to live.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I might have a worthless day job,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11but at least I can contribute to my family life.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12I'll make you my new project.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I don't want to be, I'm already your mum's project.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- I'm not a project, I'm a free man. - Whoa! Take a chill pill.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20We'll just have a nice relaxing night in,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22me, you and the forbidden pie.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25This is going to be double mental.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Are you best man, like?- Don't know.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- Don't think he's decided. I'm using that subliminal advertising.- Canny.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- Got your T-shirt made, as well. - Oh, aye?
0:16:36 > 0:16:37"Big fat Keith?"
0:16:37 > 0:16:39No, look, man, "Usher."
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Quality.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- DOORBELL RINGS - You'd best get that, son.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I don't want to start moving around, in case me aura slides off.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Eh?- Remember what your mam said,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51she wouldn't want me to have all the stress
0:16:51 > 0:16:53of walking to the front door
0:16:53 > 0:16:56and opening it and having to see who it is.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Remember the project. - Oh, right, fine.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Thought you needed a lifestyle change,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06it turns out you just need a butler.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Leave the beer! >
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Stag night! Stag night! Stag night! - No thanks! No thanks! No thanks!
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- We going out, like?- Whoah! Joseph, your show is cancelled, young man.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Don't worry, son. I've got everything I need right here.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Howay then.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34ALL: Stag night! Stag night! Stag night! Stag night!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36SHE LAUGHS
0:17:36 > 0:17:39This is going to be double mental!
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Why-aye!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Buy your own!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I was quite surprised you wanted to come, Dot.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I would've thought it would be too noisy for you.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Oh, I want to see the stripper.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55I hope he's smooth. I like them when they're smooth.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Dot, this is a ladies' night out.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I mean, me machinery might've shut down,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03but I still like to meet the service engineer.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Right, gentlemen, are you ready for your first party game?- What?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Who is up for a round of...
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Breathalysers?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13We'll all have a quick blow, right?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16And we'll see who'd be the shittest driver at this stage.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Where did you get these? - Police auction.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Got tear gas, as well, but the little un's already had it.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Not playing, Dad?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26No point. I doubt peppermint tea will trouble the Richter scale.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29So, will there be a Jewish element at the wedding service?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I know a fair few Barry Manilow songs.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Do you not know any Bette Midler?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Not in my repertoire, I'm afraid.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38We'll probably have a bit of Bette, then.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Where's the stripper?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Oh, no, not a stripper man. Ramsey...
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Howay, man. Only the best, Clarty Carol.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46She is proper clarty, like.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48How old is she now?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51She was at my stag night and she was well past her prime then.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53So, this is how I'm spending my stag night, is it?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Not a mad weekend in Prague,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58sitting here with the Breathalyser Brothers,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00waiting for a stripper who may well arrive on a mobility scooter.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Howay, lads. Let's get blowing!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06THEY PUFF
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Hope Sarah's hen night's going better than this.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09You can't kick us out!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11We've got half a round of drinks here!
0:19:11 > 0:19:15You're drinking your own drink. The old woman flashed the bar staff.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18She wasn't flashing! She came undone at an awkward angle.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I only noticed when I felt the draught, Sarah.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I don't just give it away.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27The glass collector caught an eyeful and he's still crying. Out!
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Well, I suppose we could just go home.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35You know, we've had few drinks, we've had a walk about.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I know I'm satisfied.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Sarah, man, it's your hen night!
0:19:39 > 0:19:43We can't go home yet - we're all still conscious!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45And I oiled my wheels specially.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I'm paying for this, so we're having a proper hen night.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54We can go anywhere we want.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57We could have the best night of our lives.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Swayzes?
0:20:02 > 0:20:03(ALL) Swayzes!
0:20:03 > 0:20:08So bud, when that ring goes on, the bull is tethered.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12So I suggest you spend tonight roaming around the china shop.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13What's he on about now?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Come on. You'll live out the rest of your life with one woman.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Before you say, "I do",
0:20:18 > 0:20:21you're free to "don't" as much as you want.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Is that right, is it?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25It's not offside if nobody's watching.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Aren't you the bloke who's going out with my sister?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Who also happens to be my daughter.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Yeah, yeah, but I wasn't talking about me.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I was talking about you, on your stag night.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42If you wanted, which you don't, which is great.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44But that's how you'll spend YOUR stag night, is it?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Me?
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Nah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I'll probably spend the night in,
0:20:51 > 0:20:52with Vicki, I imagine...
0:20:54 > 0:20:57..politely planning our future together...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59with our clothes on.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02She got the whole package with you, didn't she?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- CHANTING: Sarah's getting married - again!- It's the lasses.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Sarah's getting married -again! Sarah's getting married - again!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12# Na-na-na. # Again! # Na-na, na-na! #
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Again! # Sarah's getting married - again!
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- # Na-na-na. #- Hiya, girls.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I hope you're going to behave yourselves.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Siobhan, what are you like? Don't be daft!
0:21:22 > 0:21:27I'm not looking at you, Pauline. I'm looking at you, Denise.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Remember the last hen do?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31The ladies toilets blocked with deely boppers?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Pink limousine overturned in the car park?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36You put vodka jellies on three for a pound, Siobhan.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37How can that be my fault?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40She'll be fine. Now, what are we having, girls?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I'll have a double Vodka and Red Bull.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44And I've just popped me heart pills,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48so you'll have to excuse me if I kiss the sky!
0:21:48 > 0:21:49ALL LAUGH
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Cheeky Vimtos for the rest of us.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Oh, except for Sarah. She'll just have a coke.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04So, you're pregnant, then?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08What? No.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Yeah. I can tell.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- You're doing that glowing thing. - It's fake tan.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It doesn't look that good.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21OK... Yes. But please don't say anything. We're keeping it quiet.
0:22:21 > 0:22:27Well, it's easy enough to hide. I know. See? Pregative.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I'm going to have it laminated.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Give it to the kid when it's 21.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34If you're pregnant, why are you drinking whisky?
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Smell it.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Peppermint tea.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Looks like whisky, though, doesn't it?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43But why pretend to drink? Why not just not drink?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Because, Sarah, pet, I'm a girl with a reputation.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49So we were just thrown out of a bar,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51because you were caught drinking peppermint tea?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55If folk got word that I hadn't got us chucked out of that bar,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57I'd run the risk of becoming a nobody.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And that's not ganna happen.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- I am somebody. And I am lush. - Obviously.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08Anyway, I'm not sure if I want folk knowing about this baby yet.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Well, why don't we agree to keep each other's secret?
0:23:11 > 0:23:18You know, like... two...big...lass mates?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Deal.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Eee!
0:23:27 > 0:23:32Denise! Pet! That's amazing!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Now we'll see who's going to Great bloody Yarmouth!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- What does the dad think? - Ganna break the news to him tonight.
0:23:45 > 0:23:51And depending on how he takes it, I might have to break him, too!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Condoms? Cheap, but cheerful. I use these meself.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58And I've got aftershave. All the spices, at knockdown prices.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Will it bring us out in a rash?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Aftershave, no. Condoms, probably. But they're only a fiver.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05I'll take two lots.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I'll get the next round in, then, shall I?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11CHEERING.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Good lad!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Look at Joe, he's really taken to this relaxing, hasn't he?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Cheers, pet.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24So, you see, you can't go to Great Yarmouth now.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Cos what happens if I get morning sickness?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Or Irritating Baby Syndrome?
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Here, Gervaise, isn't it time you were weaving your musical magic?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Hmm?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Right, let's... let's get this party started, then.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55MUSIC: "SPICE UP YOUR LIFE" by The Spice Girls
0:24:55 > 0:24:58HE SINGS WEAKLY
0:24:58 > 0:25:01# When you're feeling sad and low
0:25:01 > 0:25:05# We will take you where you got to go
0:25:05 > 0:25:09# Smiling, dancing, Everything's free
0:25:09 > 0:25:13# All you need is positivity
0:25:13 > 0:25:14# Colours of the world
0:25:14 > 0:25:15# Spice up your life!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- # Every boy and every girl - Spice up your life!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- # People of the world - Spice up your life!
0:25:20 > 0:25:21# A-h-h-h-h-h
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# Shimmy to the left if you're having a good time
0:25:23 > 0:25:25# Shimmy to the right if you know that you feel fine
0:25:25 > 0:25:29# Check it to the front Go round
0:25:29 > 0:25:31# Slam me to the left if you're having a good time... #
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I was wondering if you wanted to dance, like?
0:25:34 > 0:25:39If you don't want to, I understand But if you want, you can, like.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42SHE SNIFFS
0:25:42 > 0:25:44SHE SIGHS
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Primal man.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49No, it's Adidas Dynamic Pulse.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54# Yellow man in Timbuktu... #
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Brilliant.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Oh, mint.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# Fighting dancing queen
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# Tribal spaceman... #
0:26:08 > 0:26:11So, you've got your little girlfriend pregnant, then?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Wife. She's me wife. My wife is pregnant with MY baby.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I'm starting to think you're not taking our relationship seriously.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22What relationship? We haven't been together for five years.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25And you said you just needed a bit of time apart.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26"A bit of a break", you said.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30Maybe see some other people before you settle down, sow your wild oats.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34What!? I'm married. To Sarah.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36And we are so happily married we're having a baby together.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Oats sown. Down settled.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44If you're not careful, Jack, you're going to lose me.
0:26:44 > 0:26:49I'll bear that in mind - at my second wedding to the same wife!
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Everything all right?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Yeah, Denise was going to go and be mental at someone else.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Thank you very much. Just going to take a quick break now.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Hey! Cheers. It's nice to see you two making up.
0:27:06 > 0:27:13- I had nothing to make up for. Did we?- No.- See? Are you all right?
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Don't you worry about me, son. I'm quite happy with me pleppermint tea.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22- Pleppermint?- Sorry. It's a lot mintier than I'm used to.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26First, you find the bloke what sold you these condoms and get your money back.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Everything he sells is either broken or faulty.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Then see if he does prams.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I didn't want to come out tonight,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39but I got to say, I'm quite enjoying meself now, eh, Ramsey?
0:27:39 > 0:27:43- Or should I say, "Daddy"? - Aye. Aye. Belter.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47- Joe! What are you thinking? - It's only peppermint tea.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- SHE SNIFFS - Oh, so it is.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54Sorry. Is that so you can keep your veneer of cool?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55I'll say it is!
0:27:55 > 0:27:56SHE GIGGLES
0:27:56 > 0:28:00Well. Stags, hens, it's been...
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Hasn't it?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- Me and Sarah are going to head off home.- Haway, you can't go yet!
0:28:05 > 0:28:09- What about the stripper?- Stripper? - He's joking. There's no stripper.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Clarty Carol!
0:28:13 > 0:28:15STRIPTEASE MUSIC
0:28:20 > 0:28:24- I love Clarty Carol! - You know the stripper?
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Yes. She's got the room next to me at the retirement home.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37MUSIC COMES TO A CLIMAX
0:28:37 > 0:28:39# Ah-h-h-h-h
0:28:39 > 0:28:41# Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time
0:28:41 > 0:28:43# Chicas to the right If you know that you feel fine
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# Shake it to the front Huh-huh and go round
0:28:46 > 0:28:48# Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time
0:28:48 > 0:28:50# Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine
0:28:50 > 0:28:54# Chicas to the front Huh-huh, hi-ci-ya - hold tight
0:28:54 > 0:28:56# Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time
0:28:56 > 0:28:58# Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine
0:28:58 > 0:29:02# Chicas to the front Huh-huh, go round... #
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd