0:00:25 > 0:00:27BIRDSONG
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Wherefore my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33my flesh also shall rest in hope.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Thou shalt show me the path of life.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39In Thy presence is the fullness of joy.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43SHE SOBS It's so sad!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45He would have loved this, your dad. Aye.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48It's just a shame he can't be here
0:00:48 > 0:00:51to see all these people that have turned out.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Come on, we should be celebrating life, not crying over it.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Poor Joe!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Poor Joe's had a stroke
0:01:00 > 0:01:03and he's far too tired to go to Betty's flaming funeral.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Poor Joe's just about got enough energy to sit and nibble quietly...
0:01:11 > 0:01:13..on a tiny sliver of qu-iche.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17In the company of the delightful Mr Kyle. 'BOOING'
0:01:17 > 0:01:20And that concludes the service.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24And now I'll leave you all to remember Betty in your own way.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# Goodbye, my lover
0:01:31 > 0:01:33# Goodbye, my friend! #
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Gervaise, not now man! Leave him.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Betty wouldn't have minded him singing. See?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Aye, she was stone deaf at the end.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Right, howay.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I've left your dad alone with a buffet
0:01:47 > 0:01:51and just before I left I saw him drooling over me quiche.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56SARAH SOBS I don't even know why you're crying, Sarah, you didn't even know Betty.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I'm so sorry, it's this bloody pregnancy!
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Lots of things are just moving me to tears at the moment.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Including pop songs, pigeons with one foot missing
0:02:05 > 0:02:07and, best of all, MasterChef.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Oh, but, Jack, he really wanted that souffle to rise!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14It's so terrible when something builds up so promisingly
0:02:14 > 0:02:18and then collapses into disappointment!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Are we talking about my 20s?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Pregnancy can be hard. I remember when I was pregnant with you, Jack.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I ate my own body weight in Arctic roll.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30How's Denise holding up? I don't think she's noticed any difference.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34And where do you think you're going, Ramsey?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Again?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39You asked us to move in.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41You've got to give Mama what she needs.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Fine. But before we crack on, I've got to ask you,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Denise Chantelle Rutherford, would you do me the honour...?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Oh, my God! You know how to spoil the mood, don't you? No!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52How many times do I have to tell you, man?! No!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Ohh!
0:02:54 > 0:02:55You all right, Dad?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59He's fine. Hutchy, pop to the shops and get him a Lucozade.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01We need to keep his energy levels up.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Might need some Savlon, as well, please, son.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Nae bother. And a Peperami.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Not again, Denise.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09What? I'm hungry this time.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13TV PLAYS SOFTLY
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Oh, Joe!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20TV OFF
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Were you sleeping, pet?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24SHE LAUGHS
0:03:24 > 0:03:26No, I just thought I saw something on the inside of me eyelids.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Right, who's hungry? We've got a hostess trolley full of dreams here.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Help yourself, flower.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And for the album cover, I thought I could be lying next to a wolf,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39drinking whisky from a rose. Oh!
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Sounds good.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Maybe you could be eating Maltesers out of a human skull.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44THEY LAUGH
0:03:45 > 0:03:46You all right? Stopped crying?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Oh, you're not eating another one, are you?! Denise put me on to them.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Euch!
0:03:52 > 0:03:57Look, I wanted to say, I'm sorry for being so emotional.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Hey, today it's a godsend.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01The mood swings, the tiredness, the crying -
0:04:01 > 0:04:02they'll all help get us out of that wake.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05It's like you're finally using your powers for good instead of evil.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Yes, she was my best friend, was Betty.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And I'm...I'm coping, but barely.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17What are you crying for, Vicki?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18She's all alone!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Don't be so daft, she's got us, hasn't she?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23On the end of a phone, every time she thinks
0:04:23 > 0:04:26one of the nurses at the home is stealing off her
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Things go missing! Like me good teeth.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, I searched for them everywhere, you know. Did you?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Guess where they'd hidden them? I don't know.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36In me purse. SHE GASPS
0:04:36 > 0:04:37You know, when I picked her up,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40she had 12 different people's pension books on her.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I don't claim the money, you know... SHE LAUGHS
0:04:43 > 0:04:46..I just enjoy the thrill of the snatch.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Er...no, thank you, Joe.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I'm just saying, now I know I can use your pregnancy
0:04:53 > 0:04:56to get out of things, I don't mind putting up with the other stuff.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Well, it's very decent of you to put up with me!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Oh, I can feel a mood swing coming on.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Don't worry, you're not in control of it,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05it's your hormones messing with your brain
0:05:06 > 0:05:08OK. Instead of looking for ways to tolerate your wife,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11maybe you could spend more time looking for a place for us to live,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14so that we can get out of your parents' house!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16VICKI: You tell him, Sarah. All full of himself
0:05:16 > 0:05:19just cos he's the editor of the local newspaper.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well, here's a headline for you, Jack -
0:05:22 > 0:05:25"Thin walls reveal local man's bedroom inadequacies."
0:05:25 > 0:05:30What?! Vicki, that was once! And he's been under a lot of stress!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33TOILET FLUSHES Hey, dude, don't worry about it.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Anyone feeling less comfortable than me? Anyone?!
0:05:35 > 0:05:39It's even happened to me. Once.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41All you've got to do is stand on your head
0:05:41 > 0:05:44and let gravity work her sweet magic.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48I love you.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50And I love you loving me.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Your mam's on fire. Eh?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Not literally...unfortunately.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Are you all right, Joe?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05I'm just fading a bit.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Remember what the doctor said -
0:06:07 > 0:06:10you're going to have these little bouts of tiredness.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Oh...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Why don't you give your ball a squeeze?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21I'm trying, Pauline, but nowt.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24That's why it's called a rehabilitation ball,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28because you're rehabilitating, flower. You just try and rest, Joe.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30But we've got a house full of people, Pauline.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I cannae just go and have a lie down...with a nice cup of tea...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and a reasonably-sized slice of cake, can I?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40No. You're right.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Am I? Yes.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44But...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47maybes go up, just for now. Just to be on the safe side, eh?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51And I'll bring you up some cake. A reasonably-sized slice, you said?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Aye, but I don't want you to think...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Joe, when it comes to you, I gave up thinking a long time ago.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Yes! We did it, son!
0:07:02 > 0:07:05We've almost paid off our debts, we can think about renting somewhere
0:07:05 > 0:07:08as soon as I've got me credit rating lower than a one-man recession.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11OK but, please, soon. I'm beginning to crawl up the walls.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13And with walls this thin that could be dangerous.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14PAULINE: Jack!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Come and help us with this Black Forest gateaux!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19This lot are like locusts with Zimmer frames.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Erm...Sarah's not feeling well!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Aw, never mind. Sorry, pet.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I love you being pregnant.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Well, maybe we could hide up here all afternoon
0:07:30 > 0:07:31and, you know...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I mean, it's just not the once that you haven't risen to the occasion.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I'm sorry, it's work, it's getting us down.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Well, maybe I could help to get you back up.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48PHONE RINGS HE GROANS
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Just ignore it. We're trying to have sex at a wake,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I don't think a ringing phone is going to make it any weirder.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55HE SIGHS It's David from thee office.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56I'll have to see what he wants.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58If I leave it to him, the front page will read,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"Editor refuses to answer phone - Presumed dead."
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Hello, David, what's up?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Boss, you'd better get in sharpish like. There's a big story.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Is there?! How big exactly?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10'I should go, I had to stop the presses.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12'Now Ian's got his hand stuck in a machine!'
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Actually, that'd make quite a good story, wouldn't it?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Ian! Stay put, man! I'll fetch the camera.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Listen, I best go, boss. Bye!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23HE GROANS
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Sorry, babe, they've stopped the presses.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29And Ian's got his hand caught in the machine...again.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Ian Three-fingers?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Well, yeah, but that nickname's going to be up for grabs shortly.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Unfortunately, not by Ian. Bye.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I've worked here five years, I've never stopped the presses.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47The power, man, it's intoxicating!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I mean, you can see how it went to Hitler's head.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53This is going to put us behind on me deliveries. I can't be late.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Denise said she's got something special in mind for us tonight.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Said I should go down the pub, get meself numbed up.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Right, fear not, news monkeys, Daddy's here!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Howay then, what's up?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Denise is going through a bit of a spicy-sausage phase at the minute.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08She gets us to sort of stand like this...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11No, not with that, man! With the papers!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Why aren't we printing anything? David?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Sorry, boss, it's a big story, I didn't know what to do.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19What big story? Idiot stops presses? What's this big news?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23They're closing the glue factory.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Oh, for f...!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26You could say, er, they've come unstuck.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28BOTH LAUGH
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Boom! THEY LAUGH
0:09:31 > 0:09:35You've stopped the presses because a factory's closing down? Aye.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37What was last week's headline? Er...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"Factory closes."
0:09:39 > 0:09:40And the week before?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Aye, "Factory closes."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45And the week before that? Ah.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Er...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"Dog...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50"burns down factory."
0:09:50 > 0:09:52HE SIGHS
0:09:52 > 0:09:55And Pauline's working these days, as well.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I'm an estate agent. She's a trainee estate agent.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I think to actually be an estate agent
0:10:02 > 0:10:04you have to have sold an actual house.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Don't you, Pauline? Or am I mistaken?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Dot's right, I haven't quite hit me sales target this month.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Oh, targets, is it now? SHE CHUCKLES
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Have they got guns at this office?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19No, but if we had I would have brought one home a long time ago.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Anyway, I'm working on some exciting leads at the minute.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25They've a bell in your office that they ring
0:10:25 > 0:10:28when somebody sells something, don't they, Pauline?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30The sales bell, yeah.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33But I gather Pauline's only heard the bell.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37She's not actually rung it herself, have you, flower?
0:10:37 > 0:10:38No, but I'm sure it won't be long,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42what with the loving support network I have in me own home.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44There it is, you see?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46That attitude I was telling yous about.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50And at me best friend's wake, as well.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Just heartless.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I'll have one of them cakes with the little grave on, Pauline.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Well, thank you for coming in, Mr McClusky. Stuart. No bother.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04When I rang, they said you didn't go out for stories any more,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06so I'd best come in.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08It's raining.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Sorry, Stuart, that's not the OFFICIAL policy.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Look, I don't know what it is you think we can do here?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Three generations of McCluskys has worked at that factory.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I know, it's a shame, like.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Nobody wants glue any more.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Aye, he's not wrong. Even my young un's given it up.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I didn't even want to run it, I just sort of fell into it,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30and before you know it I'm trapped in Hebburn
0:11:30 > 0:11:32with all these people depending on me.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33I know how you feel, mate.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36I mean, I tried to branch out to make more of meself.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Preaching to the choir.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Is there nothing you can do?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Look...we're just one local paper.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Nobody cares! Nobody! HE SOBS
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Oh, come on, mate, don't cry.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Er... David, do something!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Of course.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Can you turn this way and try and cry to camera?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Nice big tears now...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01STUART SOBS Magic!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03LL SING: # It's no, nay, never
0:12:04 > 0:12:07# No, nay, never no more
0:12:07 > 0:12:11# And I'll play the wild rover
0:12:11 > 0:12:14# No, never no more! # Oh, God, no!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16SINGING CONTINUES
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Oh, hiya, Denise, flower.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Pauline, man. I'm meant to be taking this lot back to the home.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27You cannot let them start singing.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I'll not shift 'em once they get going!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31They're like musical bloody limpets!
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Denise, I don't know what to do, the solicitor's coming in half an hour to read the will.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Oh. Is he now?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39# Well, I'll play the wild rover... #
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Whoa! Right! First things first.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46You, bargain-basement Buble, out.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Denise... Now!
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Yep.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Right, the rest of you, that's enough warbling.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Yous can stop now.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Oh, but we will not!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00This is Betty's do and we're sending her off properly.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02That's the trouble with the young, isn't it?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05They've no interest in what's right and proper.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Well, the solicitor's coming over in half an hour to read the will,
0:13:09 > 0:13:13so yous'll all find out what you're getting your arthritic little claws on.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16That got your right and proper interest, has it?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Ooh! A will reading!
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Do you know, I knew when I got up this morning
0:13:20 > 0:13:23it was going to be a good day!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Right, let's cut to the good stuff.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29ALL: # Amazing grace
0:13:29 > 0:13:34HOOVER WHINES # How sweet the sound
0:13:34 > 0:13:40# That saved a wretch like me #
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Um...what's that interesting noise?
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Song of the dead?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I mean, I'm trying to study and it's quite distracting.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I wouldn't mind, but it hasn't been amazing or graceful.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56You want to think yourself lucky, I used to be able to escape down the pub before I was trapped in here
0:13:56 > 0:14:00with me knackered arm, me tiredness and none of me promised cake.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I'm sorry, I'm just...I'm quite emotional at the moment.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Erm...I know I should be thinking of others
0:14:07 > 0:14:09and this is really selfish of me.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12And now I'm crying cos I'm crying!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Maybe I could...tell you a joke?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18SHE SOBS
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Your jokes are awful.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22And now I feel really sad
0:14:22 > 0:14:24because none of the others have ever told you!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Do you half a hug with me one good arm.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31SHE LAUGHS
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Sarah? What do you think you're doing, hugging my dad?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Get your own Dad if you want hugging.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I'm just trying to cheer her up.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40You cannae be tiring him out with excess hugging.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43He's not a well man. Come on, let's get you to bed.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46You should be trying to squeeze your rehabilitation ball,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49not be standing here letting Sarah upset you.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I wasn't upsetting him! It's just... We just want some peace and quiet.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I've got all my PhD stuff to do and your dad wanted to have a nap.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58It's just impossible with all that racket
0:14:58 > 0:15:00coming from the old Spice Girls!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Right, well, you can come with me and Gervaise to the pub.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05It'll be dead down there, anyway.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07You'll get loads done. Howay.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12JUKEBOX PLAYS QUIETLY
0:15:14 > 0:15:16# Never!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# Forget where you're coming from
0:15:19 > 0:15:21# Never!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24# Pretend that it's all real... #
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It's three o'clock.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28So? Why is he singing at three o'clock?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30They let him rehearse in the afternoon,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33otherwise he sings them at night without the proper preparation
0:15:33 > 0:15:37and all of the older customers have to turn their hearing aids off.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Which the stupid fire officer reckons turns them into a fire risk.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Well, I might as well go home then.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Oh, howay man, Sarah, you can do your work here.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I'll help you, man.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I'm not sure.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Well, how hard can it be?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53You're doing psychology.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Well, it's not exactly brain surgery.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Is it?
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Um, well, I am designing a new questionnaire for the field study.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Right, well, just question me.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Although I've got no experience in a field.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Denise is the one you want to ask about that.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I like the fresh air, you see, Pauline. Good for the baby.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Aye, I suppose. You seem to be coping well with the pregnancy mind, flower.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Hmm. It's not that bad, but it's got us ravenous,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24in more ways than one, if you know what I mean. SHE LAUGHS
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Lovely.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Do you want some of this cake, Pauline? It's lush, like.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Oh, just a bijou bit for me, petal. Eh?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Bijou. It's one of me estate agent words.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I think it means proper tiny.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"A bijou apartment with commanding views"
0:16:38 > 0:16:41is what we say for a bedsit overlooking a car park.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44How's it going, anyway, being back at work?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I think I like it, but I'm having trouble making a sale.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49But it's nice to be the breadwinner -
0:16:49 > 0:16:52or in this case cake-winner - for a change, you know.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56I know what you mean. I love working at the old folks home. Uh-huh.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59It's nice, you know, having people to talk to.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Even if they can't quite hear what you say.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04When are you going to start your maternity leave? Dunno.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Think I'll probably keep going till there's an arm hanging out of us.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Right, I'm off. Get these delivered.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12The newspapers that don't have the story
0:17:12 > 0:17:14that could help keep the factory open.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Are you still going on about this?! I told you, it's a lost cause.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Jack, I'm a lost cause. This is something you could do summat about, summat for your community!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I am doing something - keeping you employed
0:17:23 > 0:17:26so you don't go back to climbing through the community's windows when they're out.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Fine. I'm off.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Fly safe, Hermes. Take our words to the mortals.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I'm not Hermes, I've got a girlfriend!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35He's right, he has.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Right, I'll see you at the pub then, I suppose.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I doubt it! Sarah's not too keen on us drinking when she...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41PHONE RINGS
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Speak of the angel.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Hello, sweetheart, what's up?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47'I'm in the pub.' She's in the pub!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Do you want me to stop the presses again?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Yes, Jack, I'm in Swayzes, and we need to talk.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I can't get any work done at your mum's, I can't get any peace here...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I think it's time we had our own place!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00'What we need is a solid, well-thought-out plan
0:18:00 > 0:18:02'of how we're going to do this.'
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And the pub is the perfect place to make such a plan.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I'll be there in a minute. Love ya!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07SHE SIGHS
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Well, at the risk of losing my Parent of the Year award,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I'm off to meet my pregnant wife in the pub.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16So, this questionnaire is on identity.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19How women define themselves within the relationship.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Right.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I'm defined as "the girlfriend".
0:18:23 > 0:18:25No...
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Here we go.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Question one. What are your common goals as a couple?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32We're not common, Sarah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Gervaise is a highly sought-after artiste and I'm his girlfriend.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38That's hardly common.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39I don't think this is going to work.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Please, pet. I promise I'll get them all right.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44It's not a case of getting them right. How it works is...
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Excuse me, but this isn't the first questionnaire I've done.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I did one in Cosmo the other week
0:18:49 > 0:18:53and I found out that I'm sexy and not slutty, actually.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Despite what the stuff in the gents toilets might say.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00"..being of sound mind and disposing memory
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"and not acting under duress..."
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Yes, yes! Come on, son, get to the meat of it.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09He's acting like I've never heard a will read.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Who gets what, and when, and how much?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Man alive! The grief's taking it's toll on you, Mum.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Hey, I'll grieve for Betty when her affairs are in order.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Hopefully, with a set of silver EastEnders teaspoons.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26You'll have to excuse my mother-in-law,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29she isn't really aware of the importance of a legal document.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33In my line of work, I have to be very au fait with it, though.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Oh, do you work in law, as well? I'm an estate agent.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38One who's yet to sell a house.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42You're like a serial killer, Pauline, but one who's yet to kill.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I know where I'd start. HE LAUGHS
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Anyway, how do you know you'll get anything at all?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48She might have left it all to charity.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50No, no, Betty hated charity.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54She was a very cruel woman, was Betty.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Admirably so.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Hmm. Yes, there's no mention in here of charity.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04Apparently, the EastEnders teaspoon collection goes to a...
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Winny Thompson?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Winny?!
0:20:07 > 0:20:11After what she did, she should be getting nowt!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Oh, this is typical of Betty!
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You think you've got a best friend,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18but I always knew.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22I KNEW inside that she was a wrong 'un.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"And to my dearest Dot Pearson,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29"the best friend a person could ever have...
0:20:29 > 0:20:34"I leave all my other worldly goods, including my house."
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Shit the bed.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45He sings us lullabies down the phone when I'm going to sleep.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49When I said, "How does he help you achieve your dreams?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:51what I meant was, erm...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Was...
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Look, is there nothing you've ever really wanted to do?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I want to get a sunbed.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Anything else?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I need to meet Cheryl.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh, look...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Anything you want to achieve just for you?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Something you've never told anyone else?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Well, there is...one thing. Go on.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I've always fancied having a go at that poetry.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Really?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Like Wordsworth or Emily Dickinson?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27No, man, like the people that write the ones
0:21:27 > 0:21:29in the cards in the florists.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I really want to write the little poems that go in them.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35But it's just a daft little wish, isn't it?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38No, it's not! All right, man, calm down!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Sorry, hormones. Look, there's nothing in this world
0:21:41 > 0:21:44that you can't do, Vicki, you just have to try!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Look, man, it's not for me.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Listen, Gervaise says it's dead hard to write lyrics and stuff.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53I mean, I've read some of his and they're awful...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55and he's really good at it.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Hello, ladies.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Just resting my vocal cords.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I'm going to do the future classics section in a minute.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Might start with that new one I wrote a few days ago.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07SHE GASPS Lush Cuddle? Yeah, Lush Cuddle.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10So, what are you ladies talking about? Nothing.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14We were just talking about how Vicki can do anything she wants.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Anything at all.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Course you can, baby.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20But as long as it's not on a Tuesday or Thursday afternoon, yeah?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22She does my fake tan then,
0:22:22 > 0:22:26and at this stage in my career I can't risk having an uneven coat.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28He's right, he can't be streaky.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Can't he?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Pint of lager please, love.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34WOMAN: Coming right up, Mr Murdoch.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37HE SIGHS
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Right, howay then, let's do this detailed plan.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I've had enough of this attitude, Jack!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45You need to pick your head up and sort yourself out!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Don't worry, it's just the hormones. No, it's not!!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Well, yes, maybe it is, but the point still stands!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You need to get it through your head you can't just flop around
0:22:53 > 0:22:56feeling sorry for yourself, because that doesn't help us!
0:22:56 > 0:22:57We need a house!
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Understood.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I think I need a whisky chaser.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Yous need to get rid of this house, like. Why's that, flower?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Well, if the council find out she's got property,
0:23:13 > 0:23:17they'll take it off her to pay for her bills at the old folks home.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Well, we're not buying it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I've already got one house I can't afford,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I'm not going bankrupt in two places at once.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24I know money's tight.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I could try and sell it through the estate agent?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31SHE LAUGHS I don't think I've got that long left, Pauline.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Could Jack not buy it?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35SHE LAUGHS No chance!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38He's got debt that would make a Greek finance minister blush.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Can she not just give it away?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Nah. They'll find out and they'll want the money
0:23:41 > 0:23:43or they'll kick her out.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46This isn't some disorganised bunch of amateurs you're talking about -
0:23:46 > 0:23:48this is the local council.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Factory set to close! Local paper does nowt about it!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Editor can't be arsed! All right, man, all right.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I haven't finished getting a bollocking from my wife yet,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59but if you want to join the queue I've got a testicle going spare.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02So that's that, is it? Jack, sometimes in life you have to say,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"I'm going to fix this and I will not be distracted."
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Are you coming home or not? I've got the urge.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11You can always be replaced with something that takes batteries.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Right, I'm off. Here's your papers, Big Keith, Ian Three Fingers...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Sorry, mate, I forgot. I've got to go, I'm on a promise.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Very disappointed.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20HE SIGHS
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Even Ramsey has a better life than us, and you know why?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Because he is motivated.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Motiv...?! What, by Denise
0:24:26 > 0:24:30and whatever she does with that spicy sausage?! Eurgh!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Jack, where are you?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34I'm here, with you.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Letting you down again.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39No, where's my Jack? The Jack I fell in love with? Where's he?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41The Jack who would pick me a flower
0:24:41 > 0:24:43just cos he thought it would make me smile?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I'm sorry, love, Jack's been asleep for quite some time.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50SHE SIGHS
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Wha...! The baby! It kicked!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It kicked us in the face! I felt it, too!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Hold on, I'll see if it does it again. OK.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Hello? You in there?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05It got us in the eye that time! It's definitely a Geordie then.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08This is amazing! So is the old Jack awake now? Too right he is!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You've got a little kicky person inside you
0:25:10 > 0:25:12and it's going to fall out and I'm going to be its dad!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14And I'm going to be a better husband.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Vicki, get some earplugs tonight - the thin walls are going to shake.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Vicki, remember, you can do whatever you want.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22That might help.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27What's she on about? Nothing.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31So, go on then, tell us about your album cover again.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34A panther, with handlebars, and I'm astride it.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37And it's on fire.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Lush.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I could sell that house for you if I wanted, you know.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Of course you could.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Even a rock turns to sand, given enough time.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Don't be like that! Like what?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Like you! All passive-agressivey.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56You're like a jellyfish, you, sometimes, just waiting to sting.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Oh, I think you've misread my affection for you, Pauline. PAULINE LAUGHS
0:26:00 > 0:26:04That's your biggest fault. That and your impatience.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Whatever. I'm glad I'm not selling your stupid house, anyway.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09The way houses are selling at the minute,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11you'd probably get way below what it's worth
0:26:11 > 0:26:13and then you'd be in your element, wouldn't you?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I'd never hear the end of it.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Really? How much below? Dot, we're in a recession.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22You could probably pick up a house for the change in your purse.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25That and your growing collection of other people's pension books.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Pauline, I never thought I'd hear meself saying this,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31but that is a brilliant idea.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35What is? There's that impatience rearing its ugly head again.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Never mind, pet, you'll find out in the morning.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39ENGINE STARTS
0:26:39 > 0:26:42And if you could just sign...here.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46This is madness! And we just need the exchange of funds.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Gran, this is so generous of you. I can't believe me and Sarah have got our own house.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Oh, of course, I nearly forgot the co-owner.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Half a house! I've got half a house!
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Gran, can we not just...? It's only fair you share with your sister.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Now count your blessings. Right, well, I think we're done here.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09BELL Whoo!
0:27:09 > 0:27:10SHE LAUGHS
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Local paper gets it's arse into gear!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Starts campaign to save factory!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Oh?
0:27:16 > 0:27:17And who did this?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20The same bloke who's going to pick his wife a flower
0:27:20 > 0:27:21just to make her smile.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Oh! Aww!
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Right, I cannae waste time with yous lot, I've got stuff to do.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Aye, what's so pressing, like?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Well, I've been reading that leaflet that Sarah give us for the college.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I'm going to enrol!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38There's a whole world out there,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40and I'm going to learn the shite out of it.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Ta-ra!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43See you, pet.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Is Pauline in?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49No, she's at work.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51That's probably for the best. Why?
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Seems somebody couldn't keep their mouth shut at the home, could they?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57About giving a house away for two quid to her grandchildren.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Someone grassed us up!
0:27:59 > 0:28:04I think it was Winny - she wasn't happy with just those teaspoons.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06They've kicked us out, Joe.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08But I said it would be all right,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10because now that Jack and Sarah have gone,
0:28:10 > 0:28:14well, you've room here for your little old mam, haven't you?
0:28:17 > 0:28:21# Welcome home
0:28:22 > 0:28:26# Welcome
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# Come on in
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# And close the door
0:28:34 > 0:28:41# You've been gone too long
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Welcome
0:28:44 > 0:28:48# You're home once more. #
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd