0:00:26 > 0:00:29RETCHING AND COUGHING
0:00:29 > 0:00:32You know, nothing makes my tea and toast go down better than
0:00:32 > 0:00:36the soft, gentle sound of morning sickness in the background.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Sorry.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39It's probably not the pregnancy making you ill.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Might be this wallpaper. - Yeah. I know.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46I mean, I'm glad your gran just gave us somewhere to live
0:00:46 > 0:00:49but I do feel like I'm living in a Miss Marple theme park.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Tell you what, to cheer you up, why don't we get this room decorated?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- We can't get any skinter. - Let's do the nursery!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Howay, man, Preggers, we've got five month before the baby comes.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Let's decorate a room we use like the living room or the bedroom.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Please, Jack.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05How about, we do out this room, then as soon as I can get
0:01:05 > 0:01:09an advance on one of my book ideas we'll nursery until it hurts?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13It might take ages to get an advance, if it happens at all!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16That's what we need - positive thoughts(!) Don't do the face.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Not the face. Please. Not the...
0:01:18 > 0:01:23Ugh, OK. We'll unnecessarily decorate the nursery.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Right, I've got to go. Got to take me dad for his check up.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29You haven't brushed your teeth, have you?
0:01:29 > 0:01:30No.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Bye.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Mind! That's my collection of glass swans and glass Pierrots!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43And me glasses!
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Sorry, Gran.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Honestly, at this rate, Dot'll have moved in
0:01:46 > 0:01:49and there won't be a single trace of her ornaments.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Still, can't be helped!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Morning, girls! Here's your paper, Pauline!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57You'll be having to drop mine off here now, Ramsey.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I'm living with Joe and Pauline.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- Just for a little while. - Until I die.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Now, listen, while we're here,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I want to take everything at a nice, slow, gentle pace.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Yeah, of course.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Otherwise I'll be home before your gran's finished moving her stuff in
0:02:12 > 0:02:16and you know what your mam's like when people start changing things in the house.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I remember when I put that Jordan poster up, she went mental.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Oh, I'll never forget that poster.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Oi! Stop thinking about Jordan and concentrate on the task in hand.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I wasn't thinking about her hands.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Right then, let's have a look at the scores on the doors.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34This all looks fine,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36although there's a bit of acceleration towards the end.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38He was thinking about Jordan.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Lovely country, apparently. Never been meself.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45Well, everything's within acceptable parameters, so we're cushty.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Now, we're here for your post-stroke assessment.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49Hooray(!)
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Oi! Pay attention! Mam couldn't take you having another stroke.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I brought you here because your mam would have fussed too much.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I should have come on me own.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58On your own? Driving and changing gears?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Kermit's got stronger arms than that.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Now, come on. Vicki needs to get to college.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I'm bettering myself.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I've only been there for a week and I already feel bettered.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Mam? Do you think that I look bettered?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Totally, flower. Now come on, I need to get to work.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Houses don't just sell themselves.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Well, some do but not the ones on my books.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Oh, and we've got the man coming round later to
0:03:24 > 0:03:26put in your stairlift.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29(So Dot can get up to her new lair.)
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Hello, Dorothy. Moving in?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35That should bring a bit of sunshine to our street.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Arthur, can we interest you in adopting this
0:03:38 > 0:03:39increasingly endangered creature?
0:03:39 > 0:03:44Oh, I reckon Dorothy's got a year or two left yet!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46You can't do that, Pauline.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Tigger will improve the look of your place.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Listen to me! OUR place.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Unfortunately, my theme for ornaments is anything but ceramic predators.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I'll look after him for you, Dorothy.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Right.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Maybe you could come and visit us some afternoon?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I do a mean scone if your teeth are up to it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17What do I need a man for? I've already had two.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19The second one was a bastard
0:04:19 > 0:04:24and the first didn't even have that going for him.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Enjoy!
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Look, I'm knackered.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I know I'm knackered, you know I'm knackered
0:04:28 > 0:04:30and candy-floss-head here knows I'm knackered,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33so can I just have my pills and I'll be on me way?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Now, Joe, if your quality of life is going to improve,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38what we need to do is set you some goals.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Oh, good(!) Goals. - Great. I'll make a list.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42A list as well!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Are you sure your mother hasn't got you on remote control?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Just a few things to strive towards.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51For instance, what are you missing most since the stroke?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Pub.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Dad, be serious.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57That's fine. Let's make that a goal. Joe is allowed to go to the pub.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And that's a goal, is it? Bloody hell. Let's go for a hat-trick then.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02As long as you walk there yourself.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05What? I can't even crawl up to the top of the bloody stairs in one go,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I have to stop halfway and set up a base camp.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11So, let's make that your first goal. Getting upstairs in one go.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15And another long-term goal could be being able to drive again.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Nice one.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19So eventually I'll be able to drive to the pub, get lashed,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22drive back home and crawl up the stairs into bed.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Don't worry.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32We'll get it all fixed up for you.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33PHONE RINGS
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Hi.- Do you realise how lucky you are to have such a kind
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- and brilliant husband? - All right, smartarse,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43what minor triumph are you rolling around in now?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46If you want a decorated nursery, then a decorated nursery you
0:05:46 > 0:05:48shall have, my incontinent blonde-haired angel.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Really? Are we going to do this, Jack? Are we?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Yes. Because, luckily, I have hired the best decorator
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- in all of Hebburn. - Wow. Can we afford him?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Yes. Because, luckily, he also happens to be the cheapest decorator
0:06:00 > 0:06:01in all of Hebburn.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- DOOR BELL - That'll be him now.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07All right, pet?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24If you would do me the considerable honour of being my wife.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Well, I'm not that way inclined myself, like,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31but, if I was Denise, I can't see how she could possibly say no.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Ramsey, you're not still practising proposing, are you?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36How many times are you asking her?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Jack, I'm in love. That's what love is.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41You find someone who lights up your soul,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44then you grind them down until they give in.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Can we get back to work, please,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48before you're engaged to every single member of staff?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49David, any calls?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Nowt. But you know what they say, no news is good news.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Not for a newspaper!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56We did get an e-mail from one of the publishers
0:06:56 > 0:06:57we sent your book ideas to.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00What did he say? This should be good.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03He didn't say, "Good." He definitely didn't say, "Good."
0:07:03 > 0:07:05But he did say, "Thanks for trying."
0:07:07 > 0:07:09God loves a trier, mate.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Aye, but God doesn't publish books, does he, mate?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Er, I think you'll find he published the Bible.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Aye. And that's a best seller.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- One-nil?- One-nil.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20One-nil.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Are you all right, pet?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32No!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I've just walked from the kerb to the front door
0:07:34 > 0:07:35and I need an oxygen mask!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37So what did the doctor say?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40He's set me some goals for me recovery.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Oh, goals. That's what they give you when you're near the end.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50They told Moira Carson to walk a mile every day after
0:07:50 > 0:07:53she'd had her new hip put in.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55And that killed her.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56What, by just walking?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58No. Run over by an ambulance.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Very ironic. But then, her family always were.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Her son was dyslexic. He was hit by a mobile library.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13And if we go through here, you'll see
0:08:13 > 0:08:17another similar but slightly smaller room.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Hm.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24And, as you can see, there's loads of potential for...remodelling,
0:08:24 > 0:08:29as well as redecorating potential, refurnishing potential...
0:08:29 > 0:08:33In fact, potential is the thing I would say it has the most of.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I can't argue with you there, Pauline.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38You've said in your brochure it's characterful and charming
0:08:38 > 0:08:43but I'm sort of feeling it's more...dilapidated and broken down.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Bit like my Joe, eh, Doctor?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Your Joe'll outlive us both, Pauline.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52But I'm not sure I can say the same about this place.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Only me!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Here she is, the girl who never knocks.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I let meself in. Save yous getting up.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Always thinking of others(!)
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I brought the last of your things from the old folks' home, Dot.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Mostly it's stuff we confiscated from you when you were there.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Ooh! Let's a have a look and see what we've got.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Pills.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Me racy books.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh! And me cosh!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Hey, did you find her soul in there?
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Just ignore Joe. He's coming to terms with his mortality.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Can I just have a sit down?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I'm coming to terms with me swollen ankles.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Me Uggs are pinching like shih-tzus.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45You know, I suffered terribly with my ankles
0:09:45 > 0:09:49when I was carrying Joe. I was bedridden.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50I could hardly move.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Although he never thanked me for me hardship.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Well, I'm just glad I've got a few months before I've got to
0:09:57 > 0:09:58start getting everything ready.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Hey, our Jack and Sarah are decorating their nursery today.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Are they? - You should do the same, Denise!
0:10:04 > 0:10:09You'll be a right mess by the time the baby comes.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You'll not be able to do nowt!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- Won't I?- No, flower.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You'll have to leave everything to your other half.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- Right, I'm off!- Going so soon?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Aye, I've got to get a nursery sorted.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25If I leave it to Ramsey, me baby'll have a bloody rattle
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- made out of empty lager tins. - THEY LAUGH
0:10:28 > 0:10:29HE MOUTHS
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Hi, Pauline.- Hiya.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- Ah, Pauline!- Ralph.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37I didn't hear you come in.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40By which I mean I didn't hear the sales bell ringing.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Which is what usually happens when I come in.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I'm an estate agent, not a leper.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Well, on the evidence of the sales sheet, you're not one
0:10:46 > 0:10:48but you could certainly be the other. Eh?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50HE LAUGHS
0:10:50 > 0:10:53You should meet my mother-in-law. You've got a lot in common.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Has she sold two houses and a flat this week, as well?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59No, but she's deeply unpleasant as well.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02PHONE RINGS: "Price Tag" by Jessie J
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Ah, Mrs Bradley.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Really? Well, smart decision.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Yeah. OK, I'll let them know.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Talk to you later. Bye-bye.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Boom!
0:11:19 > 0:11:23And THAT is the one that's going to pay for my alloy wheels, people!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Gangnam Style!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34If you please.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35There you go, chief.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37The Stairmaster 2000, all ready to go.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Congratulations. You're upwardly mobile.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Whoa! This isn't for me!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I can leap up them stairs in one bound, me.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Given enough warning.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It's for me, flower.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53And I think I'd like to test-drive it up to the lavvy.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58The barbarians are at the gates, if you know what I mean.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01You can lift me onto the seat if you like. Hm?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Instructions. Bye.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06See you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Well, don't look at me.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Hello, folks. Sorry for barging in. The door was open.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, we can't be having guests round.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22We're rushed off our feet this afternoon.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24We're getting ready for a test-flight,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28then I'm launching a couple of satellites.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Ignore her, Arthur. She's in one of her moods.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I think this one started about 1973.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35You haven't got far with your boxes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Can I give you a hand, Dorothy?
0:12:37 > 0:12:41We can manage perfectly well without your wandering hands all over me
0:12:41 > 0:12:45knick-knacks, thank you. Now, on your way.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Are you sure?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I thought what with Joe having a stroke and all you might want...
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- Goodbye, Arthur.- Right-o.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56What did you do that for?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00He would've lifted all them boxes up the top of the stairs for us.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02He could've been your love slave.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07No, thank you. I know his type. They're only ever after one thing.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09And I do not want to see him
0:13:09 > 0:13:12picking my support stockings out of his teeth.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Oh, Mam!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Everything...all right?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Aye, just stopping for a bit of bait.- Oh!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Would you care for a meat pie? I've got some more in the fridge.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'm sort of craving ground-up meat at the minute.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Aye, meat, emulsifiers, corn starch and reconstituted parts.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39It's like a party in your mouth
0:13:39 > 0:13:41but all the guests have just got out of prison.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Well, I find that horseradish really helps the taste.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Horseradish? Interesting.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Have you considered mixing a bit of brown sauce
0:13:49 > 0:13:51with a blob of mustard?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Ooh! That could work.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Amazing! What else would you recommend?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Would you like to try my speciality?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Tuna pasta tandoori Wellington Kiev.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08So, at college, they said
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I can change me course in the second semester.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Brilliant, yeah. Pass us that screwdriver, will you?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I've got some stubborn gum under this table.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I mean, I'm just in the first semester now, but I'm loving it.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I feel like I was born to be in a semester.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Do you know what I mean?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Aye. Well, I certainly wasn't born to do this.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I bet Robbie Williams
0:14:26 > 0:14:28doesn't have to clean the bogs at the O2 before his gigs.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Yep, nicotine replacement gum.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Always the hardest to get off. I better go fire up the steamer.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42That's all right. I'll just sit here and reread me prospectus.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Do you need a hand?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54No, I think I made it. Cheers(!)
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Where've you been, like?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57IKEA in Gateshead, haven't I?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Shuffling around the maze of dreams with the rest of the winners.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04I've been starting me new life by doing me orientation at college.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Oh, have you? I wish I'd known(!)
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You did, man, Denise. I texted you...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11and tweeted and Facebooked.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12I know. I seen it.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14You even gave yourself a like for it.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17That's cos there wasn't a button for love. "Vicky Pearson loves this."
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- That's what it would have said. - Went well then, did it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Well, I was talking to Lindsay. Lindsay's me BFF at college...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Hang on. I thought I was your BFF.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27You're me BFF in Hebburn.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Well, what if this Lindsay comes to Hebburn?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Will you be telling me to BFF off?
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Denise. That would never happen. Lindsay would never come here.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Is that right?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Hey, fancy coming round mine tonight,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43help us get this cot put up?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Then we'll get the jim-jams on, Jackie Chan double-bill,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47two and a half pizzas each?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50No, ta, pet. I've got to get all me file dividers sorted
0:15:50 > 0:15:51and work out me wardrobe for the week.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Lindsay reckons I need to dress
0:15:53 > 0:15:55more like an academic instead of a florist.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- But you are a florist. - No, Denise. I WAS a florist.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Now I'm an academic in florist's clothing.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Good to see you're moving up in the world.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I didn't even need tea lights.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Do you think a semester knows it's a semester?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Right, boss, I'd better get these delivered.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Then, my friends, it's proposal o'clock.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Doing it full-bore this time.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Stripped to the waist with a rose between me teeth.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27No, man. Women don't like all that macho crap.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28You've got to be classy, man.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Sweep her off her feet and be a little bit stylish with it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34You're right. The rose is too much, isn't it?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35PHONE RINGS
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Hello. Hebburn Advertiser.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Hang on, I'll see if he's in. Jack, are you in?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Well, now they know that I am, I suppose I'd better be.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Putting you through.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Hello. Jack Pearson.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Jack, hi. Bob Muirfield, Fandale Publishing.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Hi, Bob. Great to hear from you. - Yeah, whatever.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Look, I've just finished reading your sample chapters.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Very interesting.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Really? Thanks, Bob.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06No-one's really told the story
0:17:06 > 0:17:08of a pregnancy from the man's point of view.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12And in diary form as well. Really fascinating stuff!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Eh? But.. No. I sent you the book
0:17:14 > 0:17:16about the monkey that got hanged in Hartlepool but
0:17:16 > 0:17:19if it'd lived and learned to read and become a civil rights activist.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Oh, that? That was awful. We like the second one.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25What is it? Jack's Journal.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26You sent him my journal?!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29You said to send him everything in the documents folder.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30'I particularly like the bit about,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33'"She changes her mood more often than the TV channel."'
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Er...cheers!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39'Now, we've only got the first four months here, Jack.'
0:17:39 > 0:17:42When do you reckon you can get the rest to us?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45In about five months? I'm sort of writing it in real-time.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Love it!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Look, the advance won't be huge, but I want in now.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53So have we got a deal, Jack? Come on.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54(Yes! Yes! Say yes!)
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Erm...
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- Yeah.- Glorious! The characters really jump off the page.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Sarah? What a bitch! People are going to love reading about her!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Someone'll be in touch about contracts and stuff. Gotta go.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Talk to you later. Don't forget to write.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Ho-ho!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Jack, you've done it, man! A book deal!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19You know, if I'd had that kind of news,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I'd take everyone down the pub and buy them a pint.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Would you?- Yeah.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26What's wrong, boss?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Let me spell it out for you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33You have been instrumental in me getting a book deal...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- You're very welcome.- ..for a book about my pregnant wife.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40A book in which I outline, to the world, her every fault!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43A book that I can never tell her about!
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Well, you know, just tell her it's about another lass called Sarah
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- that you got pregnant. - Problem solved.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Two-nil?- Oh, two-nil.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Two-nil.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57You're right. It is unusual
0:18:57 > 0:19:00for a house with that much damp to have fire damage.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04OK. Well, thanks for your call, pet.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Oh, dear. Another epic fail?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Ralph, I think even you might struggle to sell a maisonette
0:19:11 > 0:19:12that's above an abattoir.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15If you were any good, you'd find a way.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Are you suggesting I talk people
0:19:16 > 0:19:18into buying something they'll regret later?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I think you'll find that is in the job description.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I'm sorry, I can't stand the idea of people feeling
0:19:23 > 0:19:26unhappy in their own home. How would I sleep at night?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Do you want to know how I sleep at night, Pauline?- No.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35On a king-sized four-poster bed, in cotton-rich pyjamas.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39And I drive to that bed in a Mazda MX-5.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43All these things I got by talking people into buying houses
0:19:43 > 0:19:45that don't really suit them.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Please, don't resign until I get back.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I'd hate to miss it when it happens.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Ta-ta!
0:19:54 > 0:20:01I hope you crash your stupid Mazda thingy into your big, stupid bed.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Hello, Doctor. I didn't expect to see you here.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Is everything all right? Has Joe relapsed?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Joe's fine.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I was thinking about what you said
0:20:13 > 0:20:15and that flat's just not right for me.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17You didn't need to come in just to tell us I was right.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I mean, it's not right for me. But it does have potential.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I'll move back in with me mam while I renovate.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Could make a fortune when it's all fixed up.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Are you saying you're going to buy it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I can pay you the deposit whenever you want.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35SHE GIGGLES
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Is there anything else I need to do?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40You might need to put your fingers in your ears.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43PHONE RINGS: "Price Tag" by Jessie J
0:20:45 > 0:20:47CLANGING
0:20:47 > 0:20:50SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:20:50 > 0:20:52APPLAUSE
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Thank you.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Who is it?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01It's me, Sarah. Can I come in?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Eh...aye, but it's not quite finished, like.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10RADIO PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Why aye.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Like I say, it's not finished.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I've still got to put the cherubs up and that, like.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20How did you...? Why don't you...?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Oh, it's amazing!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Aye, cheers. It's just a hobby, like.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I mean, me main career's in the grave-digging.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30But why? You're so good at it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You've even got the rainbow ending
0:21:32 > 0:21:34exactly where we're going to put the crib to create...
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- BOTH:- ..a focal point in the room...
0:21:36 > 0:21:37..like.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- Scotch egg?- Belter.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44- BOTH:- Cheers!
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Joe.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- I've sold a house!- Hey!- On me own!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54To someone I'm not even related to!
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Oh, well done, my angel.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58See, I told you you could do it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Oh! Isn't that graceful?
0:22:01 > 0:22:05If you ask me, she looks like someone out of Thunderbirds.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09It's like a slow version
0:22:09 > 0:22:11of that thing that Cheryl uses to get on stage.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Except it's wheelchair-accessible!
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Vicky, I've sold me first real house!
0:22:18 > 0:22:19THEY SQUEAL
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Congratulations!
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Typical!
0:22:23 > 0:22:28I'm mobile between two floors for the first time in ten years,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31and Pauline steals me moment
0:22:31 > 0:22:35because at last she's done the job they're paying her for.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37And, to celebrate, I got us...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- ..some champagne! - Real French champagne?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43No, Polish.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45But the man in the shop said, with champagne,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48what you're really paying for is the label...and the taste.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Right, who's going to celebrate with us?
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Oh, I can't. I need a clear head
0:22:51 > 0:22:54to get all my folders and me binders out
0:22:54 > 0:22:57and see which boob tube looks most...academic.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01A clear head? Hey, don't be going all teetotal on us.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03The economy's in enough trouble as it is.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Dot? Polish fizz for you?
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Not for me, Pauline. I'm a bit busy trying to inject
0:23:08 > 0:23:14some of my personality into a rather dowdy box room.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16There's only one injection I'd like to give.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Lethal?- Correct. Joe?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Can I have some?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22In your condition? I'm afraid not.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25No, you'll have to watch me drink it. You can open it for us.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27What, with my one good arm?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Ah, well, you'll have to watch me open it. And drink it.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I think I'm going to get meself ever so delicately lashed.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Howay, man.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Are all Swedish people born with
0:23:41 > 0:23:43a bloody degree in furniture building, or what?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Denise Chantelle Rutherford, would you do me the honour of...?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Shut it!- Yes, pet.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Are you all right?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I dunno. It's that bloody thing out there, isn't it?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Your mam? Tell me about it.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59No, that stairlifty thing. It's for old people.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Well, yes, it is for your mam and, yes, she is old.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06So, yes, it is for old people.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Look, you know I don't like to complain...
0:24:08 > 0:24:10SHE SCOFFS
0:24:10 > 0:24:12..but it is in my house.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16"There he goes. Poor brave-but-tragic Joe.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19"Used to be as strong as a teenage ox."
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Listen, love, it's no more tragic than you being 55
0:24:23 > 0:24:24and still living with your mam.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Hey, I don't live with her! She lives with me!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Oh. Trying to cheer us up. Well done.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- You're worth cheering up. - I used to be.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Hecky Moses. Between you and your mam,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I wish we'd had an ejector seat installed.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47The doctor wants me to focus on goals.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And the first is getting up the top of our stairs in one go.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Mind, you'll have to build up to it.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Start by walking up the first half
0:24:54 > 0:24:57then for the last bit you can use the stairlift.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Eh, no, no. I'll be keeping hold of my dignity, thank you very much.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I'll crawl the last bit.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07If crawling makes you happy, you crawl, pet.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09That bloody scares the bejesus out of me.
0:25:09 > 0:25:15Well, it'll add real value to the house in an uncertain market.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Eh?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Sarah! I'm back, pet!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21And I'm not writing a secret book about you.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24How did Big Keith get on with the nursery?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Why don't you go and take a look for yourself?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Still not sure why we need to do the nursery first.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30You're only four months pregnant.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Isn't that a bit like painting the stable door
0:25:32 > 0:25:34before we've even bought the horse?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Go and take a look at the bloody nursery
0:25:36 > 0:25:37before you pass judgment on it!
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Anger levels out of all proportion to stimuli.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46She's like The Hulk in maternity pants.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Bloody hell! Is this Elton John's slipper cupboard?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Isn't it magical?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Aye, it'll be a sad day when we have to paint over that.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00How's Thursday suit you?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03What's he doing?!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Oh, he's had a big day, bless him. He's all tuckered out.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Let's just leave him, shall we?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Well, here I am, Stan.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18My new home.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24You know, I remember you saying to me,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26"Life is like a banquet.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29"Even though sometimes we think we might have bitten off
0:26:29 > 0:26:31"more than we can chew."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Another time, you said, "Life is like a mountain
0:26:36 > 0:26:38"and we can't even see the top."
0:26:41 > 0:26:45You said, "We all have do what we can to make ends meet.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52"And we should make sure we enjoy the special moments."
0:26:52 > 0:26:53HE SOBS
0:26:53 > 0:26:56You said something else as well but, to be honest,
0:26:56 > 0:27:00by that stage, I'd stopped listening.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04But it was something about living, wasn't it?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07How we've got to keep living.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08DOOR BELL
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Oh, never mind, pet.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Try again tomorrow.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20KNOCKING
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Yes?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24You've got a visitor.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Well, actually, you've got two,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28but only the porcelain one can stay over.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31But I thought you said Tigger couldn't live here?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I hate the idea of someone feeling unhappy in their own home.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Just thought I'd see how you were settling in...
0:27:41 > 0:27:44..oh, and if you're sure I can't tempt you
0:27:44 > 0:27:47to one of my challenging scones.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53Excuse me, Stan. I've got some living to do.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Right. Fine. I'll join you.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00But keep your hands where I can see them and no funny business.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02I don't just give it away.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08This is brilliant.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11MUSIC: "Price Tag" by Jessie J
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# It's not about the money, money, money
0:28:13 > 0:28:15# We don't need your money, money, money
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# We just wanna make the world dance
0:28:17 > 0:28:21# Forget about the price tag
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# Ain't about the, uh cha-ching, cha-ching
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# Ain't about the, yeah ba-bling, ba-bling
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# Wanna make the world dance
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Forget about the price tag. #
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd