0:00:26 > 0:00:30WOMAN BREATHES HEAVILY
0:00:30 > 0:00:32WOMAN SCREAMS
0:00:36 > 0:00:38WOMAN SCREAMS
0:00:41 > 0:00:43BABY CRIES
0:00:43 > 0:00:46That's what'll happen when your baby is born.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Any questions?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Aye. Can I go back in time to before I saw that
0:00:50 > 0:00:52and scoop me own eyes out, please?
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Yeah?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57How soon after that can I nip out for a ciggie?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Only, it's been three months already, like, and I'm clamming.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Don't worry, pet, we'll get you sewn up and out the door
0:01:03 > 0:01:06before you can say Lambert & Butler. Any other questions?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Can we have a bang on the gas and air, like?- Good question.- Thank you.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Sorry, love, you'll have to wait until the birth.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- I've got a couple of questions about my cervix.- Of course you have.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I'm quite worried that it might not ripen.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20No bother for mine.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I've been letting the sun get at it, if you know what I mean.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30It's just that my mum's didn't ripen so I'm worried mine won't ripen.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Jesus. Don't need the midwife, we need the man from Del Monte.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Not to worry, flower,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38there hasn't been a cervix made I cannot get through.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Right, let's give you a quick tour of the birthing rooms.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45You bringing your little lad?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Oh, he's... He's not exactly mine.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51No, he's my gift to the world.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Right, on with the tour.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57You've seen the birthing pool.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01And the good thing is, it's portable, so we can move it about if needs be.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Come this way.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, I don't know why you're going.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18In my day, we didn't have training weekends.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I mean, you're not selling any houses as it is, Pauline.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25They're just going to be training you up to be
0:02:25 > 0:02:27an even more qualified failure.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28I mean, it's cruel.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Well, if you ask me, the real cruelty is me spending me weekend
0:02:32 > 0:02:36with a bunch of estate agents in a Jury's Inn in Birmingham.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Ooh, Birmingham. I got licked by a big dog in Birmingham.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Right. Good to know.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Are you sure you're going to be all right with Joe?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53Pauline, I'm capable of looking after me own son.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55It'll be like the old days, just him and me.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Take us with you, will you?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01If you don't, it'll be like the old days, just me and her.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03No, Joe. All your stroke recovery stuff's here.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Your pills, your blood pressure machine,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08your squeezy therapy balls...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10All right, all right, I'll stay put.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Remember the rules, the pair of you.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16No late nights, no parties
0:03:16 > 0:03:19and no-one whatsoever in the good room.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I've written all the rules on your hand while you were having a nap.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27What if the Queen visits?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Take her in the kitchen and give her a slice of me Vienetta, if you must,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- but keep her out of me good room. - She's not using my stairlift.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Right, I'm away. Give us a kiss.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Love you, me angel.- I love you.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Dorothy.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Pauline.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Vicky! I'm away, I'll be back on Sunday night!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51OK! Have fun on your dirty weekend!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It's a training course, not an orgy!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I've written all the rules on your dad!
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Joe, remember, if in doubt, talk to the hand.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Love you.- Bye.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06THEY BREATHE HEAVILY
0:04:06 > 0:04:07What are you two doing?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Pelvic floor exercises.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Just like the midwife said.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17We're putting in the effort today for a drier tomorrow.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Eight, nine, ten, and we're done!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Cheers.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Drinking, Jack? At lunchtime? That's not like you.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29We're just doing what the woman at the antenatal said.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31She told you two to go on the lash, did she?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33She said, before the baby comes,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35it's important to prepare yourself and relax.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36She was talking about me and Denise.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39And she meant meditation and breathing exercises,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41not knocking back pints of lager!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Listen, there's no such thing as bad relaxation.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44True that, player.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Right, toilet for me. - I'll come too.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Going to the toilet in pairs now, pet?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Ooh! Is Her Ladyship becoming one of the natives?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I'll have you eating kebab-and-chips pizza by teatime.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Do they do that? Is that real? All on one pizza?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02You hungry? I'm hungry. Can we get one?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Does this say "album cover"?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06It makes you look like a soldier.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Too much like a soldier?
0:05:08 > 0:05:09I'm getting a lot of soldier, like.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13See, I'd also be holding these.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18What are you? Like, a soldier magician?
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Are you going to cut the dove in half and then put it back together again?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Be good if you can. Be awful if you can't.- No, man.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I'm reflecting me many different facets.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I'm a warrior, but I'm also tender.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34What about the chainsaw?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I can use it to chop up wood, like.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41Eeh, you're a proper juxtaposition. We've been studying them at college.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Lindsay - me BFF - reckons I'm a juxtaposition.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Cos to look at us, you wouldn't think I would go to college.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49But if you see us actually in college,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51it's obvious that I've gone.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I was also thinking of me in a suit of armour,
0:05:53 > 0:05:54without the codpiece.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Sort of strong yet vulnerable.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Hey, do you not want a picture of us together on the cover?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I mean, it is me that's paying for this album.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Baby, I'd like nothing more but...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13this album is my musical legacy.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16It's going to echo for all eternity.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Who knows if we'll still be together in...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21If you split up with me after I've paid for your stupid album
0:06:21 > 0:06:25to be recorded, you'll need more than a bloody codpiece!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Now, am I on the album cover or not?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You can be on the back cover. And the front cover!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Aw, thanks, lover.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37That's dead romantic.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45So...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Aye, so...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Remember what Pauline said?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Like the back of me hand.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58- I mean, I've got no plans to go in the good room.- Me neither.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I've got zero interest in stretching out on the big sofa
0:07:01 > 0:07:02with the football on.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I mean, if you were to go in the good room,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- you'd have to hoover it afterwards. - I would.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- And do the polishing.- True.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17That could be tiring for a man in your condition. You'd need help.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23And what might that cost me?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I suppose, if you were,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28hypothetically, to be in the good room,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32I could hypothetically have some of the girls over
0:07:32 > 0:07:35from the old folks' home in the living room.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Just a few guests?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Not a party per se?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43A party? Ooh, no!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Not even hypothetically.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50And we wouldn't want to bother Pauline with any of this, would we?
0:07:50 > 0:07:54She's got enough on her plate, hasn't she? Bless her.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- She has.- She has.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Well, why don't you give some of your friends a ring
0:08:01 > 0:08:04while I relocate to the good room?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Maybe I should.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Maybe you did?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Aye. Maybe.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23- What you writing for, man? It's Saturday.- It's me book. I like to get stuff down as soon as it happens.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24This is a very interesting development,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Sarah getting very judgmental about me drinking in the afternoon.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Selfish.- I can't believe you've still not told her.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32What, that I'm publishing me pregnancy diary?
0:08:32 > 0:08:37You mad? She'd go mental. I'd be drowned in a tsunami of hormones.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- And fists.- Nah, she'll be all right about it, man.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Princess Moodswing? Doubtful. But that's what the publishers like.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45It's me unflinching depiction of the madness that is my pregnant missus.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48She's bound to find out when the book comes out. Women are like that,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51they tend to see things that are right in front of them.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yeah, but I figure by then she'll be so busy with the baby
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- she won't have time to worry about my...- Complete betrayal of trust?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- Yep.- That's the thing about me and my Denise.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03She's got no secrets from me. If she did, she'd tell us.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- Really?- Oh, aye.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08She told me everything you two got up to when you were going out.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Has she?- Aye. Even makes us re-enact some of it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- So you've become me tribute act? - I suppose I have.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15But I have got some self-respect.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I'll not wear the wig.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24WOMEN SHOUT IN OTHER ROOM
0:09:28 > 0:09:31DRUNK SINGING IN OTHER ROOM
0:09:37 > 0:09:40TECHNO POP MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Make love to me camera, like.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55But just do it with your mind, mind.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I'm not feeling this.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01We are, though! Come on, show us your sensitive side!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Aye, he means your arse!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Shut up, man!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- I think I've heard enough witty banter for one day.- Aye, me and all.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- Fancy coming with us for a knockabout?- Boxing?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17No, I've had to knock it on the head since I got pregnant,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20we'll just knock about town, like.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Well, I was hoping me and Jack could write out our birth plan
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- this afternoon...- Oi, Gervaise! What website's this going on?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Tonedeafcrooners.com?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32..but that's just fallen through.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35So, yes, I will have a knockabout.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- We're off.- Really? I can't tear my eyes away from this car crash.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Don't worry, Sarah, I'll get him back home. Eventually.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Don't get too drunk. - Don't worry, gorgeous.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50This'll be the soberest all-day drinking session there's ever been.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Remember - toilet before bed.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57If I wake up in any more of your little accidents,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I'm going to have to grow gills. Laters.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Hutchy, what's happened? Have you died?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's Icarus with an ASBO!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Say nowt. Nowt, man.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18He's a cherub. Aren't you, Hutchy?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20You'll be firing that arrow through my heart in a minute.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- Go on, then, take your top off.- Hey!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Right, let's get you on set.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Hey, Dr Gervaise. I'm liking this.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Have you got your juxtaposition sorted?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39A pig's heart and a bag of chips.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42It's like I'm clogging up your heart with my love.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43And it might just kill you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46The love, like.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Eeh, I like that. It's deep.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Oh, I know.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00DRUNKEN SINGING IN OTHER ROOM
0:12:05 > 0:12:06DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Should get away with that.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Arthur. Thank God it's you. I thought it was someone important.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28Good afternoon, Joseph. And what a beautiful day it is.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I see you've got your seducing teeth in.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31What, these old fangs?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Had them cleaned and polished.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Is Dorothy at home?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41She's not alone. She's entertaining.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Oh, well, if another gentleman has her affections,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48then that's her prerogative.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51No, you're all right, she's got the coven in. You might need
0:12:51 > 0:12:53them gnashers once they get hold of you. Howay in.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Have we got a guest?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59It's been a while since we had any visitors.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Don't worry, Mam, we're not busted.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03It's just loverboy from across the road.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06He's polished his prosthetics and everything for you.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Dorothy.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Thank you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Girls, Arthur's here!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17EXCITED CHEERING
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Ladies. Enchante.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Oh, man, it's like d'Artagnan versus the dinosaurs. Good luck, mate.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26You'll need it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34You know, when I thought of knocking about,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I thought of blitzing the shops.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Maybe getting our nails done.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40This wasn't really what I had in mind.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Sarah, man, you need to learn to let your hair down.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Today's going to be banging. Isn't it, girls?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- We're going to have it large, aren't we, pet?- Aye, we are. Trust us.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52We're going to get into more trouble
0:13:52 > 0:13:55with the fast and the furious here than we would on our own.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Won't we, ladies? I'm not kidding.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Maud steals things, and Peg's a slave to her glue.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Is that why she took my crisp packet?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Don't worry. She's got low blood pressure.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- You're actually doing her a favour. - Happy to help.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Right, dinner.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11But it's lunch time.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16No, it's dinner time. You're not in Downton Abbey now, sweet cheeks.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- GEORDIE ACCENT:- Proper living in Hebburn, like.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- Ooh, proud of your new Geordie words, are you?- I am, ya knaa!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You know, I didn't really like you when I first met you.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- You hid it so well.- What, with you being all up your own arse, like.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- Thanks.- And taking Jack off me.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36You and Jack had split up three years before I met him.
0:14:36 > 0:14:43Sarah, when I mark a man, he's mine until I say so.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- But you can have him for the time being.- Can I?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Right. All-day breakfast then we'll see what these two knitting machines
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- have come up with for us. - For you? What are they doing?
0:14:55 > 0:15:01Making sure I never have to set foot in Mothercare ever again.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Whoa, Arthur, what you doing in the good room?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I trust you have the necessary papers?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- I thought I might...- Hide?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Hide, yes. If that's all right?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20If you sit on anything, make sure you hoover,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22polish and disinfect it before you stand up.
0:15:22 > 0:15:28Actually...I did want to have a word with you, Joseph.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Aye. What word might that be? Might it be "silence"?
0:15:32 > 0:15:37I feel that my intentions should be made known.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Unless you're intending on getting the kettle on,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44I don't think there's much else I need to know, mate.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47My intentions towards Dorothy.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Romantically.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54She's a special woman, your mam.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56On that we can agree.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58And our affection for each other is growing.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Lovely.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Well, that's settled.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03So do you think we both might have a go at that silence now?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Look, I can see you're getting defensive about all this,
0:16:07 > 0:16:12but I'm here to tell you, Joe, I'm not looking to replace your dad.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Now, look what you made us do! This is what happens
0:16:17 > 0:16:19when unauthorised personnel come into the good room!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21You're avoiding the issue, Joseph.
0:16:21 > 0:16:27As me and Dorothy explore each other, I don't want you to feel
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I'm treading on your dad's toes.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Can we not talk about you exploring me mam?
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I'm supposed to be relaxing, not discussing me mother's sex life
0:16:37 > 0:16:38with a silver fox.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Oh, no, no, we've not consummated the relationship.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I may have caressed the peach
0:16:48 > 0:16:53but I have yet to access the stone within, if you catch my drift.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I'm willing another stroke on here.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I give in. That's enough.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Well, don't feel ashamed, pet.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I've seen bigger lasses than you taken down by the all-day breakfast.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Finished!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Good girl.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Do you want them to make you summat?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20They're surprisingly quick for women with arthritis.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Mind, sometimes I can't tell
0:17:21 > 0:17:25if that clacking noise is their knitting needles or their joints.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Can I buy this little bonnet?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28I don't need any money, pet.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34What these girls need, you can't buy - hope.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Not a lot of that in the old folks' home, Sarah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Hope. And they get that from knitting for you how?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Watch.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Oh, my God!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49This is gorgeous.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Now, do we think that I should bring me new baby in one day
0:17:52 > 0:17:55wearing Maud's delightful cardigan?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Oh, please, Denise, please. That would be lovely.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- See?- Hope.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Yes. With a side order of free clothes.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Well, we'll be needing something to pop our little miracles in.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11And I guess we'll see if it's as bad being a mam as my mam made out.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Why, what did she say?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16She said it was the hardest job in the world,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18and that I drove her up the wall.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22And that she hated every second of it.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23But then that was me mother.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Played her cards very close to her chest.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28When did she say all this?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Mainly birthdays, Christmas.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35That's if she wasn't off with one of my short-term uncles.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39My mother was both emotionally distant
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- and stifling at the same time. - You what?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45It's not that I felt unloved, I think she was just frightened
0:18:45 > 0:18:48to engage on a genuine emotional level,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52almost as if she were actually repressing her maternal instinct.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Oh, boo-hoo, Tinkerbell. And then what happened next?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Did your pony not learn to talk?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Point taken.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03So, not long now.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Me and you will be pushing buggies along on a Saturday.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- We'll not be sat in here.- No.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10No, we'll have to take them on the smoking terrace.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Get them a bit of fresh air.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Are you not worried about being a dad again?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- I'm terrified, me, like. - Don't be scared, man.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Children have to be about nine or ten
0:19:19 > 0:19:20before they can hit you effectively.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I want me kid to listen to us
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and not make the mistakes I've made.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- The haircut?- No, man, in life!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I want to have this baby more than anything but I don't know
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- if I'm ready to be a father.- No, man.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Kids virtually raise themselves. Take my lad.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38You just leave food out for him a couple of times a day.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40He's a bit like a cat that can swear.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Same again, is it?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Excuse me, man. Sorry about that. - No bother, mate.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- I'm looking for Vicky Pearson. - Who are you, like?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Lindsay. We're at college together.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58You're Lindsay?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Eeh! Hiya!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Gervaise, this is Lindsay. Lindsay, this is Gervaise.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Hey, great to meet you, man.- Hi...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You're a beautiful man.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I mean...good to meet you, mate.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Vicky says you're quite the singer. I love live music.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- You doing a set tonight? - Yeah, I might be.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Howay, man, Gervaise, it's your Belter Ballads night.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I'm just going to pull my pants up.
0:20:36 > 0:20:43I wish I could sing. My musical skills are more piano, harp, viola.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Right.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Do a little bit of DJ-ing too.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48You know, grime, garage.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I mainly do the DJ-ing for charity.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Yeah, right. Grimey charity. Good.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I knew you two'd get on.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01You've got so much in common.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12# She smiled at me on the subway
0:21:12 > 0:21:15# She was with another man
0:21:15 > 0:21:18# But I won't lose no sleep on that
0:21:18 > 0:21:21# Cos I've got a plan
0:21:21 > 0:21:24VOICE BREAKING: # You're beautiful
0:21:24 > 0:21:26# You're beautiful...#
0:21:33 > 0:21:36PHONE RINGS
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Hi, Mam, what's up?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Where are you? Has there been an accident?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42It sounds as if someone's in pain.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Hang on, he'll be done in a minute.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46# ..With you. #
0:21:49 > 0:21:52There's another modern classic ruined. How's the conference?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- Are you suitably conferred? - It's great.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55They give you little chocolates
0:21:55 > 0:21:58with your coffee and, eeh, Jack, the buffet.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I nearly cried when I saw it, magnificent.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Sounds like you're learning a lot, then.- How's Sarah?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06She was worried about her cervix when I spoke to her yesterday.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I told her about my mine when I had you.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09It was like a pumice stone.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12There's no real reason to tell me, is there?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Well, you're in a delightful mood. Put her on, will you?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I can't, she's out with Denise.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Denise? Are you sure that's a good idea?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23What's the worst that can happen? Either Sarah gets a fake tan
0:22:23 > 0:22:25or Denise'll start chewing with her mouth closed.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Listen, Jack, the reason I've rung is, I want you to go round
0:22:27 > 0:22:30and check on your dad and your gran, make sure they're all right.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Why don't you just phone them and ask?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Because, Jack, neither of them is capable of telling the truth.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Fair point.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40So I want you to act as if you are part of this family
0:22:40 > 0:22:42and go check on the people you love.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Mam, what's this really about?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Aw, Jack, there's someone in me good room.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I can feel it, pet.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55She tells me in her younger days she could bend herself all ways.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Listen, mate, you do what you want,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01but for the love of God, keep it to yourself.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06You're over-reacting, Joe.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Physical love between senior citizens is part of nature.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Well, it's not a part of nature that I want to visit! Now get off!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23We're all dead.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- It'll glue back together. - She'll know!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34What's happened? I heard a fracturing!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Your fancy man here has broken one of Pauline's ornaments!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38That's what's happened!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41It'll glue back together.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44She'll know!
0:23:44 > 0:23:49That's it, then! There'll be no more Mrs Nice Pauline. You'll see.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53She'll have plastic covers made for the sofa. And for the carpet.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55And us!
0:23:55 > 0:23:59We'll all be in clear PVC tombs, and all because of your boyfriend!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Arthur, how could you?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03It was an accident.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09I was trying to explain to Joseph that our dalliance may be
0:24:09 > 0:24:11taking the next step forward.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13He overreacted!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Overreacted!? I'm supposed to be recuperating!
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Instead, I've got a bloody wrinkly rave kicking off next door
0:24:21 > 0:24:25and Tyneside Casanova here smashing up the good room!
0:24:25 > 0:24:30Man, you've been here one week and already everything's ruined!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33You never were a gracious host, Joe! Never!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36All right, pet, see you later.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Sarah says she's at yours, so we'll pop round there for a nightcap
0:24:40 > 0:24:42once I've tucked the invalids in, like.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Mind you, they might already be in bed.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- INSIDE:- This is my house, that I've slaved all me life for!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51And I'm buggered if I'm going to have it turned into some
0:24:51 > 0:24:54kind of shag pad for you and the Laughing Cavalier here.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Well, maybe I could do with some love in me life
0:24:56 > 0:24:59because I'm on short rations from me family!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Right! Two questions. One, what is going on?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Two, why's it going on in the good room?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06He was rude to my guest!
0:25:06 > 0:25:10This guest here has smashed one of your mam's ornaments
0:25:10 > 0:25:14and he keeps banging on about licking her peach stone...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Whoa! That's plenty! Right, what's broken?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19It'll glue back together.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20She'll know.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- It's her fault!- It's his fault!
0:25:23 > 0:25:24It's both of your faults!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27If mam finds out about this, we are all knackered.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29You lot, get back in there and straighten things up!
0:25:29 > 0:25:33And you, ornament assassin, I suggest you spend the night
0:25:33 > 0:25:36with some superglue and tweezers, otherwise, when me mam gets back,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39you'll have a few fractures of your own to deal with.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42As you wish.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Dorothy, I shall see you on the morrow.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Ah! That'll do mate, that'll do.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Thanks, come on, shift it, son, shift it.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You two - all you had to do was follow her rules.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57That's all you had to do.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59And now the sanctity of the good room is broken, and I don't
0:25:59 > 0:26:02even want to think what's been going off in the living room.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Don't get angry, son.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07That's the thing, Dad. I'm not angry, I'm disappointed.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Isn't that usually what I say?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Aye, it is, but it's my turn now.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17So I suppose I am ready to be a father after all.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Joseph, tidy away your shite.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23- Can I smell mini pork pie?- No.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I should hope not.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Dorothy, get a hoover strapped to that wheelchair and get to work.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Well, I suppose I could give it a quick once around.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- We'll be off, Dot.- Oi, Charlie's Angels, you're going nowhere.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Get them coats off and start polishing! Come on!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Denise, man, not again, I'm still sore.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54All right, Jack? How was it?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Great, actually. I'm going to be a father.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59With your nan?!
0:26:59 > 0:27:03No, man, with Sarah, but, like, I'm going to be an actual father.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06You know, it's nights like this that shows how much I need Sarah,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09if only to show us what the word "normal" means.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- We're back!- Sarah, you would not believe what I've just seen!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Jack, you have to try this.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Always room for one more, Jackie boy.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Is this from the hospital? Did you nick this?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Jack, I don't nick things any more. We've just...borrowed it.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31We'll give it back when the baby's...older.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Kebab-and-chip pizza.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# Shoot that poison arrow
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# To my heart
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# Shoot that poison arrow
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Shoot that poison arrow
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# To my heart
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# Shoot that poison arrow
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# No rhythm in cymbals
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# No tempo in drums
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Love on arrival
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# She comes when she comes... #
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd