0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Oh, Joey Boy A slice of cheese is calling
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# And a pork pie But not a word to Pauline... #
0:00:35 > 0:00:39DOOR OPENS
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Hello.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50What's my favourite estate agent doing home in daylight hours?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52We're not selling our house, are we?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54No, I'm not selling...anything.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Have you been crying?
0:00:57 > 0:01:03Oh, Joe, it's that place, that awful place!
0:01:03 > 0:01:05The porch? What's wrong with it?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07No, the estate agents! And that Ralph.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Slimy, patronising, point-scoring little bully.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13He delights in making my life a misery.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17We should introduce him to your mam, they'd make the perfect storm.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Aw, angel.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I feel like jacking it all in.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24It would mean you'd be less stressed.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26And we'd all benefit from that.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32We could start maybe using just a spoon to cut the atmosphere.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Right, I'm off.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Where are you going?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38I'm going to help Gervaise choose a studio to record his album at.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- I thought Hebburn only had one recording studio.- Aye.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44That's the one we're going to choose.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46You all right, Mam?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49You look sad and it's making me feel sad.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I'm fine, love.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54She's not fine. I heard it all.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57She's being bullied at work. Her career's in ruins.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Oh, and she wants to leave me out in a storm!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03All right, News At Ten, that's plenty.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Don't worry about me.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08You get on your way.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Don't forget, Mam,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Cheryl teaches us that every day ain't going to be no picnic.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Aw, thanks, pet. That helps.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Dad! What are you doing here?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- You know, just passing by. - Passing?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38You live in York. Where's Mum?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41She's in York.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44She let you come all the way here. On your own?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46No, she didn't let me.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I've...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I've left your mother.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Ta-da!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I'm a free man!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58She pushed me too far this time, Sarah.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02And I'm not being told what to do any more!
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Ssh! Get inside.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Of course. Sorry.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Jack, look who's here!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Ben? You on your own? Where's Susan?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16You on day release?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17I've left Susan!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Susan allowed you to leave her?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23No, I did it all on my own!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25So I thought I could stay here for a week or two
0:03:25 > 0:03:28till I get on my feet.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Jack? Coffee?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33No, none for me, ta. I'm going fishing with Ramsey.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Thankfully, this time I've managed to convince him
0:03:35 > 0:03:37not to take his air rifle.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Or his hammer.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I'll have a coffee, love. Three sugars.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Three?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Susan's not in charge of the sugar any more.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Or the spoons.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Anyway, I'll just go upstairs and get unpacked.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I'll find my own way, Jack.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Or as the Americans say, "roomie".
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHING: No problem, roomie!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01No matter what happens, there is no way he's moving in here.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02I will talk to him.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Mum's probably just pushed him too far. You go.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- IN ACCENT:- Bring me back a fishy on a little dishy.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Well, that's almost racist.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Dad, do you want breakfast? I'm just about to have my third.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Where's Vicky hidden the bloody tea bags?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19You know what Ralph did today?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22He sent me to show a couple round a house on Hedgy Road.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Hey! There was a house on fire there this morning.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- It was on the news just now. - That was the one.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28So, did they buy it?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- No, but the firemen gave us a round of applause for trying.- Hey.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34You would think Vicky would at least put the sugar
0:04:34 > 0:04:36in the same hemisphere as the tea bags, wouldn't you?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37And that Ralph's just standing there,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40eating them cupcakes that I baked for everyone at work.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"Perhaps you're better off selling cupcakes cos you can't sell houses,"
0:04:43 > 0:04:46he said. Slimy little sod.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I've half a bloody mind to do just that.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Fantastic.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Oh, do you think so?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Well, I mean I could always sell to a few different places.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Everybody's always saying how delicious me baking is.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- Absolutely unbelievable. - Thanks, pet.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Mind, it'd mean me working at home all the time.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I'd need a lot of support.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Joe, I'm saying I'll need your support!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You've always got my support, my sweet.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21And as soon as I've decided what's living in this teapot
0:05:21 > 0:05:23you'll have both my support and a steaming cup of Tetley's.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25So, do you think I should do it?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Are you sure?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Aye, I'm sure.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I'm sure. I've never been more sure of anything.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I can't believe it!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I'm going to do it!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I'm going to go and bloody do it!
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Aye! You bloody go and bloody do it!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51SHE SHOUTS WITH JOY
0:05:51 > 0:05:56What's all this racket? I'm trying to watch Loose Women.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01There's four ladies who don't let the menopause
0:06:01 > 0:06:03dictate their moods, Pauline.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Oh, Dot, not even you can sour me moment.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Pin back your lug holes. We've got some news, big news. Haven't we, Joe?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Aye, apparently we have. - Go on, you tell her.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15No, it's your news. You tell her.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Go on! I just want to see the look on her face.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Why? Is it going to be happy? Or maybe sad? Suicidal?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I'll do it!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I'm starting me own business.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Joe talked me into it!- Did I?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Ah, look at him being dead modest.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35I'm giving up the estate agents and I'm starting up on me own,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37baking and selling cup cakes.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Hooray(!)- Yeah!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44What are you doing?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I'm off to start packing me things
0:06:46 > 0:06:48because we'll be homeless in no time.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I'm just getting ahead of the bailiffs.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57You know, they reckon that since the shipyards closed
0:06:57 > 0:06:59there's salmon in the Tyne?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Aye, and cucumber.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Just dropped my sandwich.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07So why are we here?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Peace, tranquillity and solitude.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11That's pretty deep for you, isn't it, mate?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, it's not me. Denise sends us down here.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15To get out from under her swollen feet.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Proposed to her again this morning.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Judging by the fact you're sober
0:07:19 > 0:07:21and relatively coherent, I'm assuming she wasn't too impressed?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I don't get it. I spelled "Will you marry me?" out
0:07:24 > 0:07:25in Sugar Puffs on the kitchen floor.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Wow. Well, while I have to question you trying to win a lady's heart
0:07:28 > 0:07:30with what is essentially spilled breakfast,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I have to admire your persistence, mate.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Aye, well, she can't say no forever.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36One of us has to die eventually.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Well, at least you've got a plan.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Right.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Now...why don't you tell me exactly what happened?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I was in the shoe shop, just locking up, when Susan, your mother...
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I know who she is.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54..she said I kept waking her up when I went to the toilet in the night.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59So from now on, I wouldn't be allowed liquids past ten o'clock.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01You could talk to her, surely.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Then, after I'd agreed to that,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06your mother noticed some stock I'd ordered
0:08:06 > 0:08:08that I'd not...
0:08:08 > 0:08:09told her about.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11What stock?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Ugg boots.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Oh, Dad! You know how she feels about them.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21I know! But we are in a recession and they're very popular!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23She went mad.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Told me I wasn't allowed to order stock ever again.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28And then..
0:08:28 > 0:08:29And then what?
0:08:29 > 0:08:34..the next thing I knew I was in the car and shooting my way here,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36like Lewis Hamilton.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Except he's not Jewish and I was in a Volvo.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I even had a pasty in the car!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- You ate food in the car?- I did.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49For the first time in decades I felt free.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Lighter than air and...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and covered in pasty flakes!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Anyway, I need a favour.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02What's his name? What pub does he drink in? I'll sort him out for you.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04No, man. I need you to answer some questions for my book.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Oh, your secret book?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Listen, Jack's journal is an almost scientific study
0:09:08 > 0:09:10of pregnancy from a male perspective.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12For scientific reasons I can't tell her about it
0:09:12 > 0:09:14because if she knows, she'll alter her behaviour
0:09:14 > 0:09:16She'll alter your bollocks, mate.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Aye, we'll cover that bridge with my hands when we come to it.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Anyway, the publisher said I need to get input
0:09:21 > 0:09:23from other men with pregnant partners.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- I'm an onion. Peel me.- Right.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31So, would you say that the pregnancy has bought you closer together?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Well, physically, aye.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35She's mad for it.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37But emotionally no.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39She says I've never irritated her more.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- Ah, sorry to hear that, mate. - Oh, it's all right.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43It's quite nice having sex with someone
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- when they're giving you the silent treatment.- Is it?- Yeah, yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49When my Denise gets going, she's got a proper mouth on her, like.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Really puts us off me stride.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Oh, I'm on, I'm on. Jack, I'm on.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55- I'm on, Jackie.- Might be a cucumber.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Dad, where's Mum? Is she all right?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03And by that I mean, is she still alive?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07She's fine. Well, I mean, she's awful, but she's...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09QUEEN'S "I WANT TO BREAK FREE" PLAYS AS RING TONE
0:10:09 > 0:10:11That's her now. I changed her ring tone.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13She's been calling constantly.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Hello?- 'Oh, I see,'
0:10:18 > 0:10:20you must be the new woman.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23You sound like a woman of poor morals.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25It's me. Your daughter.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Oh, so that's where he's scurried off, is it?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Put him on the phone, dear, immediately.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34She would like to talk to you.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I'm a free man!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Sarah said I can stay here as long as I want
0:10:39 > 0:10:42and she's happy for me to pee whenever I choose!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I didn't quite say he could stay.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Put me on speaker.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54'Look here, Benjamin, you can get your bottom back to York this instant.'
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I'm not coming back, Susan.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59'I'm standing up for myself.'
0:10:59 > 0:11:00I'm staying here with Sarah
0:11:00 > 0:11:04and there's nothing anybody can do to make me leave.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Good for you.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Right....
0:11:17 > 0:11:21You can choose from vanilla, blueberry, chocolate chip,
0:11:21 > 0:11:22lemon or coffee...
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, and I'm doing a discount on cinder cakes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Cinder cakes, they're like normal cupcakes, just a bit crunchier.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Ten of each. No problem. I'll drop them round in the morning.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37All right, bye.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40And that's them burnt ones sold as well.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44You give in to things early on, and it's a slippery slope.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Before you know it, you're trying on skirts in Marks's
0:11:47 > 0:11:49because you're the same size
0:11:49 > 0:11:52and Susan can't be bothered to go there herself.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Me and Pauline have our fallings out,
0:11:58 > 0:11:59but we always make up in the end.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Sometimes, if I'm really lucky, it turns out it wasn't even my fault!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Oh, it's always my fault.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"Ben's left toast crumbs in the butter.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10"Ben's ruining his mother's funeral by crying."
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Mmm, I see, right. Tricky.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20That's him, the one that ran off from his wife.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Well, didn't run, exactly. Drove.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28- The break-up of any relationship is always hard.- Drove, did you?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Quicker than running.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32More cowardly.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35My Stan left on a ship.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Very slow.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41He was a bastard, but when he tore your heart out,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43he let you enjoy the moment.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50# Because you don't know what I know, when I know
0:12:50 > 0:12:51# What I remembered
0:12:51 > 0:12:54# To forget about you. #
0:12:55 > 0:12:56How was that?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Lush.- Shite.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I think I've got another one in me.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- That's a shame.- How, man!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I'm executive producing on this album
0:13:03 > 0:13:05and I don't want you undermining the talent.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Talent? You might want to Wikipedia the word, love.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09I'll Wikipedia you in a minute!
0:13:09 > 0:13:11And do you know what I'll find?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I'll find a big, fat nowt.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Water! I need to hydrate! My instrument is parching!
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Sounding great, babe.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Yeah, I can really feel myself evolving, changing.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29It's like the music is in me and I'm just a conduit.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Only now do I truly understand how Peter Andre feels.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38PHONE RINGS
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Hello? - Jackie boy! Bob Muirfield.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Bobby boy!- Don't ever call me that.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- Sorry.- 'How's things?'
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Well, I've got me father-in-law staying with us,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51though when he goes to the toilet in the night,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- you'd think he was a racehorse - Yeah. I don't really care.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Look, I've got some great news about the book!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I can change the names like I asked?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59No, don't be stupid! We need authenticity.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00That's why people will buy it!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03It's about real people with real problems.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05The more I think about it, the more problems I see.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Brilliant! Down to the balls and smalls of it,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I've managed to get an extract from your book
0:14:10 > 0:14:12published in the Saturday Telegraph supplement.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15But...but I thought no-one was going to read it until it was finished
0:14:15 > 0:14:18and until Sarah had had the baby and become a bit more...human.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20You don't sound very excited, Jack.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Have you any idea how many people are going to read this?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24God! I've been meaning to talk to you,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28I read the edit you sent through. You didn't leave any of the nice things I said about Sarah!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Course not! She's our villain. People are going to hate her!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33It's going to be 50 Shades Of Great!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Look, I probably should have told you earlier,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38but Sarah's is my actual wife. This is my actual diary.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40If she reads it, she might even leave us.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I see what you mean! We can get another book out of this.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- I don't want to lose my wife! - That's not what I'm reading here.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Look, Jack, it's very simple, do you want a book
0:14:49 > 0:14:51that keeps your hormonal wife happy
0:14:51 > 0:14:54or do you want one that sells million of copies?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I want one that sells millions of copies?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Is the correct answer.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Right, I've just got to iron out a few details
0:15:02 > 0:15:03with the newspaper people.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Talk to you later. Don't forget to write.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14HE TUNES GUITAR
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I'm not convinced about this.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23You'll see, man. Lindsay's guitar playing will add shitloads of class.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Lindsay, ready when you are.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Sure. How do you want me to play it, Gervaise?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31I was thinking about maybe dropping in a couple of arpeggios.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35No arpeggios, thanks. Just stick to the guitar.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Oh, OK then.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Let's do this.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Guitar track for Valentine's Day Masochist, take one.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51HE PLAYS TENDER TUNE
0:15:57 > 0:15:59It's absolutely beautiful.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04So what about you, Joe?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- You seem to be keeping yourself busy since the stroke.- Me? Well...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I spend my days using my one good arm to place these cupcakes,
0:16:11 > 0:16:16which I'm not allowed to eat, mind, into these boxes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17It's one of the levels of hell, Ben.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20It's just not been assigned a number yet.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Right, I'd best get this delivery delivered.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- Aw, Joe have you not packed those cupcakes?- I'll do it.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Oh, thanks, Ben.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Then can you take them out to the people carrier?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Of course, Susan.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Haaa!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Right, let me get them in. What you drinking, G-man?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45It's Gervaise, and I'll have my usual. They know what it is.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48He drinks lager top, Lindsay. Proper lager's too strong for him.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49It refreshes my vocal cords!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Hey, good call. Think I'll maybe have one of those myself.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Vicks?- I'll have one if you're having one,
0:16:55 > 0:16:57it refreshes me vocal cords.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59You go and sit down. I'll give you a hand.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Right, Dad. What would you like?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Oh, just a shandy.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Actually, no, triple vodka.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I'm not sure, in your current emotional state, that's wise.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Although it is less liquid to keep me awake later.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Hi, Gervaise. How's the album going?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20It's my definitive statement, like.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Right. And what's it saying?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27"Me."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Hi, pet. Ben, Gervaise.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- My round. What would you like? - Lager, please.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36What's up with you?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Just realised the '80s are over
0:17:38 > 0:17:41and you have to send that outfit back to where it was born?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45It's that bloody Lindsay. Look at him, all brushed teeth and tallness.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Aw, is the Hebburn gigolo feeling threatened?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51He's always showing off how nice he is!
0:17:51 > 0:17:52You should have seen him in the studio.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56He can play seven instruments, seven!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Yeah, he can play all them instruments,
0:17:58 > 0:17:59but can he sing like you?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Well, he says he can't, but then he does backing vocals and guess what?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06He sings like an angel. But he hasn't got my epic tone.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11The thing is, I can feel him causing a rift between me and Vicky.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13We're drifting apart, like...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16..sexual icebergs.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18That's how it starts, of course.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20One moment you're at a picnic,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22and she's dragging you off into the forest to have her way with you,
0:18:22 > 0:18:26then the next thing, you're in separate bedrooms
0:18:26 > 0:18:28wondering if you're her husband
0:18:28 > 0:18:30or some kind of sex-starved housekeeper
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Would you two like some razor blades with your crisps?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Ben, you need to cheer up, man, you've made the break.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38You're a free man.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Gervaise, you should cheer up cos it's all in your head, son.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44And stop slagging off Lindsay. He seems like a lovely bloke.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45THE GIRLS LAUGH
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Oh, my God! Lindsay is such a laugh!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51The barmaid thought we were a couple!
0:18:51 > 0:18:53She said she could definitely see us together.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I said I felt ugly and pregnant and Lindsay said
0:18:56 > 0:18:58I was glowing and gorgeous
0:18:58 > 0:19:00and I said that you never say anything like that to me
0:19:00 > 0:19:04and then he said...I can't remember, but it was so funny.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Where are the drinks?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Oh, my God, I completely forgot. I'm so sorry.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Lindsay! I forgot the drinks! Mental!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14THEY GIGGLE
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Aye, you're right he's a bellend.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Right I've cupped me last cake for today.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I'm shattered, but you know what?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I think I'm starting a whole new chapter.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Well, I hope this new chapter's got me in it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Don't be daft, you're me bloody bookmark.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Well...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39You know our Vicky's out?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Mm-hm.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- And me mam's over the road at Arthur's?- Mm-hm.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46This house has only got two people in it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Two lovely people, in love, lovingly.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Are you trying to get a bit of action before your mam gets back?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57I'm trying to create an atmosphere of romance and tenderness.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- And thereby action.- Oh, right.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Well...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07..I think we should...
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- ..just check your blood pressure with the machine...- Mm-hm.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16..and if it's all right,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I'll think about it.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- SLURRING:- I mean, maybe I am in the wrong,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I knew she wouldn't like the boots
0:20:26 > 0:20:30but I just wanted to make sure the shop made some money.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Relationships are tricky, Ben.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38We pull and push at our partners but only because we want them
0:20:38 > 0:20:41to be the image that we have of the perfect them.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45If she's any sense,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47she'll think about all the years you've had together
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and not throw it all away,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51just because some arpeggio dickhead comes to town.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52What are you on about?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Him, Vicky! Him!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Trying to split us up!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- And more importantly, trying to wreck my album!- Whoa!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Is there a problem? I'm sensing a lot of anger.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03You'll be sensing a leatherette loafer
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- up your arse in a minute, mate! - Gervaise!
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Take that back!
0:21:06 > 0:21:10I'm dead sorry about this, Lindsay, it's the lager top talking.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11It's not the top!
0:21:11 > 0:21:12He's a knobhead!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Jack said so too! - Jack! How could you?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I did not say knobhead! I did not say knobhead!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20No, he didn't.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21He said bellend.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24So, you're all against us!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Gervaise, I'll see meself home.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Vicky! Vicky, wait!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Well, according to this...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38..your blood pressure is fine,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41so, as long as you can keep yourself nice and calm,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I think we should go upstairs.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48I promise, at no point during our love-making
0:21:48 > 0:21:53- will I become emotional or excited. - That's my boy. Howay, then.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Yoo-hoo!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Evening, Joe! Evening, Pauline!
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Would one of you mind sticking the kettle on?
0:22:01 > 0:22:06I have to go and eject some tenants from downstairs.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Marvellous...
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Hey.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I didn't know you smoked. It's bad for you, Vick, yeah?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It's only when I'm upset.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Look, Gervaise will come round.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I think he maybe just feels threatened
0:22:31 > 0:22:35because we have this connection.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37I know.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I feel it really strongly.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46And sometimes I just want to...
0:22:48 > 0:22:49I don't think that's a good idea.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I'm sorry.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I should have known you wouldn't be interested
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- in a little skip rat like me. - Far from it, Vicky.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I adore you.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01You're a beautiful, radiant,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04strong yet supple creature.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07and would like nothing more than to take you in my arms
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- and cover you with loving kisses. - Uh...
0:23:11 > 0:23:13But you're with Gervaise.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- I know. - And as long as you are with Gervaise
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I promise I will not lay a finger on you.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- Fingers are fine.- We can't, Vicky.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- I know it would be enrapturing... - And fully lush.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27..but we're better people than that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Are we?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31We are.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Thanks for the loan of the underwear.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I must say they're more snug than I'm used to.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45They cup you nicely, don't they?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Finish your drink, Ben.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Dad, I just spoke to Mum.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51She misses you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53No, it's all finished.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56She'd forgive me anything, but not the Ugg boots.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58She still loves you.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01When you love someone, you will forgive them anything.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Will you? Like anything at all?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Of course.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Well, I suppose it might be possible to straighten things out.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Perhaps I should talk to her.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Yes. Yes, you should.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Because she's here.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23She knows she's been difficult to live with
0:24:23 > 0:24:24and I think she's ready to compromise.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29It'll be fine.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Hello, Susan.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40This is an unexpected...thing.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I was just passing. I'm on my way back to York.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47You could join me if you like.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I can sleep in a separate bedroom on my own
0:24:49 > 0:24:51just as well in Hebburn, thank you.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Well, I don't see why you couldn't sleep in my bed.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Just for a trial run.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01That would be a start.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I thought I'd give you this.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04What's that?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06A list I've been keeping.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Things I've wanted to say over the years, but never had the courage.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Some of them aren't relevant any more,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15what with technology moving on and all that.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I think Shergar might be heading home to his own toilet tonight.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21You know you said that if you love someone
0:25:21 > 0:25:23you'd forgive them anything?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Well, I've kind of been writing a new book.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Uh-huh.- And it's all about you and your pregnancy.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33I wrote some stuff in my journal that wasn't exactly complimentary
0:25:33 > 0:25:35and me publisher got hold of it
0:25:35 > 0:25:36and they're going to publish it
0:25:36 > 0:25:39but I'm kind of worried it might destroy our marriage.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Lovely. Look, they've made up.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49we're going for a picnic again.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53And you're going to drag me off into the woods and ravish me
0:25:53 > 0:25:55to within an inch of my life.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Thanks for everything.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I'll send the boxer shorts back when I've washed them.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02No problem, ex-roomie.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Oh, thank God for that. Sorry, what were you saying?
0:26:09 > 0:26:10I just wanted to tell y...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Oh, brilliant(!) I've got pizza sauce all down my top!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16You've let me sit here all night looking like an idiot!
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Let's not over-react...
0:26:17 > 0:26:19You might not care what people think about you
0:26:19 > 0:26:21but I'm more sensitive! I'm vulnerable!
0:26:21 > 0:26:26Hey, hey, calm down. It's OK. Why don't we get you home, eh?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Yeah, sorry.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What were you saying?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Oh, that can wait.- Are you sure?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35The surest I've ever been about anything.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Let's get you home, run you a hot bath,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40and give you a nice massage, eh?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Oh, you're such a star.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45You're the best husband ever.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Yep. I definitely am.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52SHE SLURPS
0:26:55 > 0:26:58PHONE RINGS
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Eh, I think it might be business. I'd better take it.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Hello?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09No, it's fine.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12How can I help you?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17You know, I wouldn't be offended
0:27:17 > 0:27:19if you wanted to move over the road with laughing boy.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20We could have your stair-lift
0:27:20 > 0:27:22shifted across to his house, no bother.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23And what would you do without it?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Me?! It's no use to me.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27I never use the thing!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Of course you do, you soppy apeth.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32I do not!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I'm perfectly capable of getting to the top of the stairs on me own.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I'll admit I have used it once or twice
0:27:37 > 0:27:40but that's just to make sure it's working properly for you.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41PAULINE SCREAMS
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Pauline!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45What's wrong? Are you all right?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- I'm more than all right! - You scared the life out of us.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50The fire station have just ordered 200 cup cakes
0:27:50 > 0:27:52for their open day!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- Pauline!- What?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I just got up the stairs in one bloody leap!
0:27:58 > 0:28:02- On me own! I did it, Pauline! I did it!- Well done!
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Mind, I can hear canoodling going on up there!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09It'll not do you any good
0:28:09 > 0:28:12because I've hidden your blood pressure machine!
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Come on!
0:28:13 > 0:28:15PAULINE CACKLES
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd