0:00:25 > 0:00:29Look at that - the first chapter of my book
0:00:29 > 0:00:31published in a national newspaper.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34I did a photocopy for me dad this morning, he was so chuffed.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36This is one of the most important supplements going.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Nah, it's cod-liver oil you're thinking about, mate.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- So, happiest day of your life? - No, scariest day of me life.- How?
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Cos that's about his missus going mental cos she's up the duff, isn't it?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- When she finds out, she's going to go fully psycho, like.- Really?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Oh, aye, Sarah's going to cut his knackers off.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Or a more polite way of saying it may be that my pregnant wife's
0:00:54 > 0:00:58hormone imbalance has caused her to become somewhat unpredictable.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01So, discovering I've published her every move with our real names
0:01:01 > 0:01:03may well exacerbate her situation...
0:01:04 > 0:01:06..causing her to cut me knackers off.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11The Telegraph. So, what's all that about then?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Hold on, you work in newspapers and you've never heard of it?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I work in newspapers, I've never heard of it neither.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Of course. No-one in Hebburn bothers with the broadsheets.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Sarah might never find out.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27I mean, no-one bothers with our paper and it's about them.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I had to order this one in! I bet you no-one around here
0:01:30 > 0:01:31would even dream of reading it.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Show us page three and I'll tell you.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38"Environment Secretary questions new EU ruling."
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Nah, I'll give it a miss, like.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46"Week four and Sarah's mood's in direct proportion to the
0:01:46 > 0:01:49"amount of melted Haagen Daz she's able to drink from a pint glass."
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Ho-ho!
0:01:50 > 0:01:51DOORBELL RINGS
0:01:51 > 0:01:52I'll get it!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Aye, aye.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Hi!- Hiya, Sarah.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Oh, look at you, all lovely and fat.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- Pregnant.- Well, pregnant's just an excuse, though, isn't it?
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Howay in, pet.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Dad! It's our Sarah.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Oh, man! No pockets.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Right, burn it.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Do I smell burning?- Burning? I don't know, can you? I can't.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Coffee?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Erm, tea, please.- Good.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Coffee?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Erm... Tea, please.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Good.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Hope you don't mind me just calling in.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46It's just since handing in my PhD, I've been so bored.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Waiting for this little one to stop kickboxing my bladder
0:02:49 > 0:02:51and make his or her appearance.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52You want to enjoy the boredom, flower,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54it'll all change when the baby's here.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57This is the calm before the storm.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Before the tsunami of crying, nappies, potty training...
0:03:01 > 0:03:05"Daddy's got me toy." "Dad, can I have a pound for me pocket money?"
0:03:05 > 0:03:09"Dad, can I have ten quid for the cinema?"
0:03:09 > 0:03:13"Dad, I've just met this lovely lad. He's lush and he's a singer..."
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Until eventually...
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Dad, can I have 20 quid for the pub later on?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Aye, me wallet's over there, you know the combination.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23- Can I smell burning?- No.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- No, I think I can.- You can't. - Are you going to college?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30No, I'm going to the recording studio.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32We're doing the final mixes for Gervaise's album.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34The sound engineer says he's done everything
0:03:34 > 0:03:36he can to make it sound decent and he can't do any more.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Surely you don't need to turn up?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Dad, I'm the executive producer.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Turning up is the main thing that I do.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- What if I want to go down the pub? - Well, you can't, can you?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Remember what the doctor said.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50You can only go to the pub
0:03:50 > 0:03:52when you're able to walk there on your own.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Ta-ra! - Aye, the being on me own part's
0:03:55 > 0:03:58the thing I'm looking forward to the most.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I reckon this is the thing that I'm most proud of.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Gan get it shredded, man.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I can't. I can't just destroy it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12If you ask me, your biggest achievement was convincing
0:04:12 > 0:04:15that posh lass to marry you. That's what you don't want to destroy.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Thanks for that, Jolly Green Geordie.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- I suppose you're right, like. - Get it shredded, man.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26The first rule of a happy marriage - destroy all incriminating evidence.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27OK.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Nah, I cannae do it, I cannae do it.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You want to get some product on that, boss.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Look, Jack, with all due respect, it's a bit distracting,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- we're trying to get something done here. - Aye, I'm about the do his mouth.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42One false slip and he'll give us Bell's palsy.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45OK. Here we go.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Say goodbye to the only copy in Hebburn.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01HE MOUTHS ALONG # There's something deep up Inside of me
0:05:02 > 0:05:04# Won't you reach in and touch it? #
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yeah, well, it's blatantly fabulous.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Don't you think it sounds like you've got prostate cancer?- What?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"There's something deep up Inside of me
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"Won't you reach in and touch it?"
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Isn't this a song for proctologists?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24It's a song for people of all nationalities.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26You all right?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Hey, guys.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Oh, God, not this prick. - Hiya, babes.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35So, how's it going?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Vicki said that you might value my input in the final mix.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I don't want to interfere...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49So, what you working on?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Lips Looks Like Legs, Looks Like Love.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Sounds like shite.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- I doubt that, we're making magic here, Gervaise, yeah.- Oh, yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Magic."
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Is this your card?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Are you being a knobhead?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I can't handle you being a knobhead today, like.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I'm sensing that maybe you're needing
0:06:05 > 0:06:07a bit of conflict resolution here,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09so maybe I'll just step out for a minute, yeah?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Yeah, you take as many minutes as you like
0:06:11 > 0:06:14and don't be afraid to turn them into hours or for ever!
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Gervaise! I'm warning you.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Right! If you two are having a barney,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I'm going to take the bins out.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29What's this about? Is it the stress of the album that's getting to you?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Oh, no, I'm brilliant. Therefore, my album is brilliant.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I mean, why did you invite Lindsay to my final mix down?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Because he's an amazing and sophisticated musician.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41And he's bringing loads of studio experience.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I've asked Denise to come and all, she's bringing...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46crisps.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Are you jealous of Lindsay? What's bothering you?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Is it his talents, his brains or his looks?- It's all them things.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Well, not in that order, but, yes.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- The thing I really don't like is the way he makes you?- What?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00A bigger person?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Because if you loved me, Gervaise, you'd be all about a bigger me.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06And I'd appreciate a bigger you!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12So, what you're really saying is you're looking for something
0:07:12 > 0:07:14to make this place stand out, aren't you?
0:07:14 > 0:07:16That's why I am having the stage revamped.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Oi, Fat Keith, me mural is going to be finished for tonight, isn't it?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Of course it is. And it's not Fat Keith, it's Big Keith.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26And what's the best way to make this a local hotspot
0:07:26 > 0:07:28while increasing your takings?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Set it on fire and claim on the insurance?- No.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Competitively-priced cupcakes. Try one.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45That's nice.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I don't think people are going to have cupcakes with beer, though.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Really? I wonder...
0:07:54 > 0:07:59- Ramsey?- Aye?- Fancy a cupcake with your pint?- Oh, aye.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- They are free, aren't they?- You fancy a cupcake, love?- Aye, why not?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09See, the market's crying out for it.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- I'll have one as well, like. - Thought you might, pet.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Well, for better or for worse, these are me clientele.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Go on, I'll take 300.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22300 for tonight?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24That won't be a problem, will it?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28No, no, of course not. I'll get me workforce right onto it.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29I thought you said they were home-made.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Yes, that's right, it's a home-made workforce.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Oh...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Would you let us keep me dinner down just bloody once?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Oh, lad.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53The little bastard.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58- RELAXATION CD:- Having a baby is the most natural thing in the world.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Don't be terrified.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02SHE SOBS
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- Vicki! How did you get in? - I've got a spare key.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Don't make a big thing about it! I'm all over the place.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I've come for a right good cry!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- RELAXATION CD:- Everything's good.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Right, mix faster, faster! It's nearly three and we're not
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- even halfway done yet.- Oh!
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Why did you promise her 300?- Greed, that's why. Going to send me
0:09:27 > 0:09:31to an early grave and all for nothing but a few pennies profit
0:09:31 > 0:09:33on a tiny cake.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36If I'd known that's all it took, I would have done this ages ago.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Honestly, I bet Mr Kipling doesn't get this much lip off his workforce.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40And go!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I'm proper torn, like.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Let's look at Gervaise - his good points and his bad points.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Well...there's his looks...
0:09:53 > 0:09:56..his sense of style.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57His voice.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- When are we going to get to his good points?- Sarah, this
0:10:00 > 0:10:04is important. I've been going out with him on and off and then
0:10:04 > 0:10:06on and off again and then off twice then back on for the last
0:10:06 > 0:10:08three years.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Bad points.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14He's a mardy little shit if you try to executive produce his album.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17And then, sometimes, when I'm with him...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20..he treats us like I don't even exist.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25So, why are we interviewing Gervaise again?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Because, on a slow news week, "Pillock Records Album" is
0:10:28 > 0:10:30actually worthy of a few column inches.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- Aye, well, if he starts singing it, you're on your own.- How, man.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37If it isn't Tyneside's own Piers Morgan(!)
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- Whoa, now that is slander.- Run along.- Right, I'll just go and get
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- myself set up.- Hmm.- Stay.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Oh! How did you get a copy of that?!- It was in that bin.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53I was sick all over your face. Reminded me of the good times.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Sarah know about this?- Come on, then, what do you want?- Oh...
0:10:58 > 0:11:02..girl can want a lot of things, Jack.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Maybe...one last night of passion...?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Doubt if Sarah will do all the things I used to do to you.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I can do them all again tonight.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Plus two new things. One I learnt at Sexy Zumba.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- And another I saw on Game Of Thrones.- Well, if that's me
0:11:20 > 0:11:23only option, then I'm definitely going to tell her.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Right answer!
0:11:24 > 0:11:25SHE CHUCKLES
0:11:25 > 0:11:31Just a little test, Jackie. You see, me and your lass have become close,
0:11:31 > 0:11:35just as mates. So, I'm not going to tell her what you did.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Cos it will break her little heart. - Oh, thank God for that.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- You're going to tell her.- What?! - You've got to sort things out,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44Jack. I read this - you're making her look like a total psycho.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Well, maybe I just attract that kind, Denise.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Are you calling me a psycho? You'd better not be calling me a
0:11:49 > 0:11:53psycho, if you're calling me a psycho I will show you a psycho.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Now, Lindsay - pros...
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Well...
0:11:59 > 0:12:00..he's good-looking.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03And gorgeous.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06And handsome.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11And he helps us grow as a person.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14And he treats us proper nice.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17And when I'm with him...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21..I know I definitely exist.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24And...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- ..he's posh like you.- Sorry?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Well, now I know why our Jack likes being with a posh person.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35I remember him saying...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37SHE SNIFFS
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"It's like putting your Aldi shopping in a Marksie's bag."
0:12:42 > 0:12:43LINDSAY SNIFFS
0:12:48 > 0:12:51So, what are you saying with this album?
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Huh, Jackie, I'm not saying anything. I'm singing.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Aye, in the loosest sense of the word.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Right, I'm going for me lunch. Yous better go outside.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Oh, for God's sake, Eric! Can't you see I'm schmoozing the press?!
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Whoa! Nobody mention schmoozing to me. I don't want to schmooze.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11What's schmoozing?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14If you're not going outside, I'm going to have to lock you in for
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- half an hour.- Big deal! Just do it, bell end!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Look, I'm not an idiot.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25I don't think my music can heal all the world's problems,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28but I do think it can make them irrelevant.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Eric is definitely coming back, isn't he?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33God, I hope so.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I tell you another thing,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39when I look at Lindsay,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41he really gets me motor running.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I'm talking proper fizzy knickers, like.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, that's...
0:13:46 > 0:13:47romantic.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50DOORBELL RINGS
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Oh, that will be Denise, we're going to do our antenatal exercises.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- Oh.- Hiya.- How did you get in?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02It's not exactly Fort Knox, flower. Anyway, I rang the bell, didn't I?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I'm not rude. You all right, Vic?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Vicki's having a dilemma.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Well, why didn't you come to me?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I've always listened to your problems.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Sorry, Denise, I just thought
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Sarah would be a bit more sensitive.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Sensitive...? I'm sensitive.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Oh.- I cried at the end of Terminator Two, didn't I?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Away, tell Denise all about it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Well...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I feel like I might need to choose between Lindsay and...
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Dump Gervaise, get pissed, shag the Scottish lad. Done!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Denise, it's not that simple.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- No, actually, it is that simple. - Right, let's do our pelvic floors.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46And three, two, one...go.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51BOTH EXHALE
0:14:51 > 0:14:54And again. Three, two, one...
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Hey, look at the state of us.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05What would Lindsay think? Denise, have you got any foundation?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- STIFLED:- In me bag, help yourself.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08BOTH EXHALE
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Eee, what's this?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Our Jack?- No, it's nowt, man, just put it back.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Give me that, please, Vicki.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21What is this?!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25So, hold on, you, the man that talent forgot, want to be
0:15:25 > 0:15:29more successful than Michael Jackson and Beyonce put together?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31That's stage one of the plan, yeah.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- Then, would you move out of Hebburn, like?- Oh, aye.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Or Gateshead at the very least.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39PHONE RINGS
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Hello, gorgeous. I'm interviewing a combination of Jacko and Beyonce -
0:15:45 > 0:15:47white man with a big arse.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Jack, why am I reading about myself in a national newspaper?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Oh, right, hold on. I can sense that you're getting a little bit
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- annoyed...- Little bit annoyed!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Everyone, and I mean everyone we know is going to read this.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I'm furious, I'm absolutely furious. I'm so angry that...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07WATER RUNNING
0:16:07 > 0:16:09..I've wet myself.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11'Are you happy? You've made me so angry'
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- that I have wet myself! - Hang on a minute.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17That's not wee. I work in an old folk's home, I know all about wee.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I think your waters have broken.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Hah! Did you hear that?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23'My waters have broken!'
0:16:23 > 0:16:25My...my waters have broken?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28No, no, no. They can't. I've still got two months to go yet.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Oh, my God, Sarah, I'm so sorry! Hold on, baby, I'm on me way.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I'll ring you back in two minutes.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35The door's locked.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36- HE YELLS:- The door's locked!
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Aye, do you not remember? Chuckles said he had to lock up.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I often find this time useful to meditate or work on designs
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- for my stage outfits.- Meditate! You'll be meditating yourself
0:16:46 > 0:16:48a new set of teeth in a minute, son.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Get Eric down here and get that door open now!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54What are you doing?!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58What are we going to do? I wish Lindsay was here, he'd know.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00He's given birth to a lamb in a stream.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Vicki, you're going to have to drive her to the hospital.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05What?! Why me?!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Why me?- Because, genius, you're the only one with a car and
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Aqua Vet isn't here.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13What happens if her waters break again on me upholstery?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15What if I crash? What if she has the baby in the car?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I haven't got a car seat!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Vicki...you're me best mate,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22and what I'm going to say to you now
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I've been needing to say since the first day we met.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Get. Your shit. Together!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Ah, well said. Now let's go!
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- Right! Open the car, open the car! - I can't find my keys!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Use the clicker, man. - I took it off because it doesn't go
0:17:40 > 0:17:41with the other keys!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Right, focus, focus, focus!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49WINDOW BANGS
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Now open this side, you daft tart. - Right, sorry.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- Right, go, go, go! - I'm doing it, I'm doing it!
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- We're not moving! - Just start the car and drive, man!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Will you stop shouting at us?!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I'm in proper turmoil at the minute!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- What?- Well, I'm thinking -
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"Isn't it weird that it would be better if Lindsay was here?"
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Not Gervaise. What do yous think? - I think we can all agree that would
0:18:16 > 0:18:18be better if Lindsay was here because he could drive
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and you'd be free to feel my foot up your arse!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Ahh! God, it hurts! Can we go?! - Sarah, Sarah, look at us.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Everything is going to be all right.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Please, now!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Right, well, I'll just have to rush me pre-flight checks.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Seatbelt, mirror, mascara, boobs looking lush.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Right, then, let's drive...
0:18:38 > 0:18:40TYRES SQUEAL AND ENGINE ROARS
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Eric, you've got to come back, it's an emergency.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Yes, I was wrong to call you a bell end. You have no bell-end qualities
0:18:49 > 0:18:50whatsoever.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Aye...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Yes, I'm the bell end.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Come on.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- And my album is...shite.- Come on.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Please come back! He's on his way.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- I...think.- Thanks. Thanks.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Someone get us a doctor! Or yous are all going to need a doctor.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- In here, in here.- Reverse.- Reverse.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Jack! Where are you now?!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- I'm...I'm... Oh, I'm still in the recording studio.- 'What?!'
0:19:22 > 0:19:24The door's locked, we can't get out. But don't worry.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I've got the best brains in Hebburn on the case and they've worked
0:19:27 > 0:19:29out a plan of action.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Now, look, you're going to have to push.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35SHE SOBS I don't want to!
0:19:35 > 0:19:41It's not ready yet! I have to keep the baby inside until Jack gets here!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Look, the baby wants to come out now. One big push.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Right down your bottom.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Ahh!
0:19:50 > 0:19:51SHE SHRIEKS
0:19:51 > 0:19:55I'm never, ever coming off the pill, like, ever.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57SOBBING: I'm scared! I want Jack!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Jack's on his way but look at us,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03look at us. You've got me, all right? And I'm going to
0:20:03 > 0:20:05be with you every step of the way, lass.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- And Vicki is... - I need some Cheryl, right now, like.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- ..also in the room. - OK, one more big push.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18SHE SCREAMS
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Nurse?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21It's me daughter-in-law,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23she's been brought in, she's a bit premature, like,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- I've got cakes...- Mam...?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- How is she? How's the bairn? - The baby's through there, they've
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- got it in one of those little greenhouses.- All right.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I tell you what, seeing that bairn come into the world, it makes
0:20:37 > 0:20:39you think, when I have mine
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I'm going to have all the drugs they've got.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45I might even see about bringing in some of me own.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- You all right, pet.- Eee, Dad. For me birthday, can I get me tubes tied?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- DOOR OPENS - My wife, my wife's here, where is she?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Hang on, hang on, I'll deal with this. Where do you keep the babies?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Jack, here!- Mum! Where's Sarah? - They're through here, pet,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00they're saying they're both fine.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Kept us waiting, never been offered a cup of tea, flu injection,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- nothing.- Right, well, I'd better...I'd better...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Hang on, Jackie, Jackie. Whoa. Untwist your knickers, son.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Sarah and that little baby are going to need you now.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14You're right, cheers, mate. Thank you.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17And you were right about not telling Sarah about the book as well.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18No...
0:21:20 > 0:21:21You little...
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Sarah, I'm so, so sorry. I took the book deal out thinking I didn't
0:21:26 > 0:21:28want to upset you cos you were pregnant but I wasn't going to
0:21:28 > 0:21:31keep it as a secret forever, just until you'd had the baby.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Look...they didn't print any of the positive stuff, just the bad stuff.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Listen, right, listen...
0:21:35 > 0:21:38"It's amazing watching Sarah begin to blossom
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"into motherhood. Mind, she's become proper mardy about it."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- That's probably not the best example.- Shh, shh.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Jack... - What?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Look...
0:21:50 > 0:21:51..we have a son.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Is he...is he going to be...?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02They don't know yet.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04See how he goes.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06He's so small.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I know.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- It's my fault. It's all my fault! - Jack, Jack, look at me.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19There's something that I've wanted to say to you for a really long time.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- Oh, I love you too!- No...
0:22:22 > 0:22:24What I needed to say is...
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- Get. Your shit. Together.- What?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Our son needs someone he can look up to. Not someone who writes secret
0:22:33 > 0:22:36books and feels like he can't share anything with his wife
0:22:36 > 0:22:38because he's worried that she'll get angry.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- You did go well mental, like.- Yes, and I probably will again.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Will you?- Loads of times.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47And probably over nothing at all.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Well, that's something to look forward to, then!
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Come here.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Here's to Jack's new bairn!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01CHEERING
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Aren't the parents supposed to be here when you do that?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I'm not a stickler for tradition, mate.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07DOOR OPENS
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Where have you been? I've been phoning you all day.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I've been helping to give birth to Jack and Sarah's new baby.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Well, sort of.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18WOMAN CLEARS THROAT
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Welcome, everybody, to the unveiling of our new stage
0:23:22 > 0:23:25here at Swayze's!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27CHEERING
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Look, we need to talk...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I'm not a talker, I'm a singer.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Thanks to Pauline Pearson for the delish cupcakes!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40CHEERING
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47..and growing as a person.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Oh! That's Lindsay talking! - No, it's me.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52I'm talking.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55The new centrepiece of Swayze's!
0:23:55 > 0:23:56CHEERING
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I need to say something to you. I just think it's time that we...
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Big Keith, will you do the honours, please, flower?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05..broke up.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07DRUM ROLL
0:24:07 > 0:24:09CHEERING
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I'm sorry.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16MUSIC: "S Club Party" by S Club 7
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Vicki...
0:24:22 > 0:24:23..wait...
0:24:27 > 0:24:32- Lindsay, what are you doing here? - I thought I'd just pop down for a...
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Hey, hey, what's wrong?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I've done it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I've dumped Gervaise.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42God, are you OK?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I'll be fine.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47I think I can feel myself growing some more.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Listen...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Er...if you are single...
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say that after you've
0:24:57 > 0:25:00had some time and done the relevant healing, it be my honour...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Shut up, man!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Get on this...
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Oh...
0:25:11 > 0:25:15He's absolutely gorgeous.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16(You can't stop staring.)
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Oh, me first little grandbairn.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28And, more importantly, my first great-grandbairn.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Howay, they've had enough tears today, these two.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Have you decided on a name yet?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Mam, Dad...meet Anthony.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Anthony!
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Oh, that's lovely!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Anthony Joseph.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Joseph?! Aw, they've named him after you, Joe!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Aye, great.- Now, now, no tears!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58They've had enough today, haven't they?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00SHE CHUCKLES
0:26:10 > 0:26:14I know I did you wrong, Vicki. I know I let my talent get in the way
0:26:14 > 0:26:18of the magic that we shared but I vow this - I shall win you back.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25HE SPITS
0:26:26 > 0:26:28So, how does it feel being a dad?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I didn't want to say anything in front of Sarah, but
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I'm terrified. I mean...
0:26:33 > 0:26:36what if he doesn't make it? What if something happens to him?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37JOE CHUCKLES
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- Oh, that's funny now, is it?- Son...
0:26:40 > 0:26:44All that that you're feeling now, all that worry and all that dread...
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- Yeah?- ..you're going to feel that every single second for ever.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Happiest day of me life.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53He'll be the last thing you worry about at night and the first thing
0:26:53 > 0:26:55you worry about in the morning.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58And then, before you know it...you'll be paying for holidays
0:26:58 > 0:27:00you don't want to go on.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03There will be Christmases where you don't get any presents
0:27:03 > 0:27:06and birthdays where you just stand in a corner and watch.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09And the only time he'll truly understand how much you worry
0:27:09 > 0:27:11about him is when you're stood here with him
0:27:11 > 0:27:13like I'm stood here with you now.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22BABY CRIES
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And thank your lucky stars you had a boy.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Cos girls never leave home and they cost you a fortune.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29Joe?
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I've just had Vicki on the phone - she wants 20 quid for a takeaway
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- for her and Lindsay. - Very lucky you had a boy.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Sarah's asleep. They said we should go home and come back
0:27:39 > 0:27:41and do some more staring in the morning.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Howay, your mum's out front flirting with the taxi driver.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- I might just stay and stare a bit longer.- Oh.- See if he does anything.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- He won't.- I know.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54And don't worry about his little face, it'll settle down eventually.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59- Yours did, more or less! - See you, pet.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd