0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Christmas is here Bringing good cheer
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# To young and old Meek and the bold
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# Ding dong ding dong That is their song
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# With joyful ring All carolling
0:00:35 > 0:00:38# One seems to hear Words of good cheer... #
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Right, I've got a turkey coming out, so no sudden moves.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48This part is critical and I want do not want any stress.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Ooh, lovely. I'm nice and calm at the minute, but...
0:00:51 > 0:00:52DOORBELL RINGS
0:00:52 > 0:00:56They're here! Joe, they're here! Go! Eee, our Jack!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59And we have touchdown.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00All ready for tomorrow.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Er...they're here, Pauline.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Ooh, Merry Christmas!
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Oh.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- Hello.- Hello.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Oh, shalom, Susan, shalom, Ben.
0:01:11 > 0:01:17We're staying two-and-a-half hours. And the time starts now.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23We brought Susan's mum. I hope that's all right.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25She hasn't seen the baby yet.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And shalom and welcome to you too, pet.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Quite.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Sorry. We thought you were Jack and Sarah.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Are they not here yet?
0:01:35 > 0:01:39They were delayed at baggage reclaim so for now it's just you and us.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And a healthy dose of quality time together.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Who's this? Are Jack and Sarah back?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47No, Mam. It's better than that.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Sarah's mam and dad are here, and they've brought her gran.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I'm sorry, flower, I didn't catch your name.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Tell her my name, Susan.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56This is my mother, Millie.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02I'm always happy to meet another wheeled princess.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04This is Arthur. Dot's boyfriend.
0:02:04 > 0:02:10Acquaintance, Pauline. Arthur is my special acquaintance.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I don't know what kind of house you keep here,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17men just popping out of bedrooms when company arrives?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Perhaps I should just away into the night.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Yes. You probably should.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27No.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Good night, all.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Get out while you can, mate.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Good night, Arthur, love.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Good night.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45I presume we're all going into your infamous Good Room, Pauline?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49But of course, Susan. Joseph, will you do the honours, pet?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Howay, then.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Good room? What does she mean, "good room"?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58It's what these people have, mother.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00It's what we would call a lounge.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04I told you on the way up, they live a simpler life than we do.
0:03:04 > 0:03:10# Gloria, gloria in excelsis deo. #
0:03:12 > 0:03:14CLOCK TICKS
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Ho-ho-ho!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28CHIRPY ELECTRONIC JINGLE BELLS
0:03:34 > 0:03:35It's infra-red.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Oh, very modern.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41DOOR OPENS
0:03:41 > 0:03:42We're here!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Eee!- It's a Christmas miracle!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Sorry!
0:03:48 > 0:03:53- Hello.- Hello, darling!- Thank God you're here! Come in! Come in!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Yes. Come in!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Come in to MY Good Room.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Let the games begin.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Hello. Hasn't he come on lovely?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, he's gorgeous.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Despite the outfit you elected to present him in.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Ben - photographs.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Oh, er, the camera's in the car. I'll just grab it.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18You left the camera in the car? Round here?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Why, what are you saying? This is a respectable area.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24No, she's right. The camera'll be gone.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I'll... I'll just go and grab it.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35He's got my father's chin, very proud and defined.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Well...both his eyes come from our side of the family, don't they?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41So deep and thoughtful.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45You can see he's having some intense thoughts now.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50No, he needs changing, that's the face he does when he's
0:04:50 > 0:04:52doing his business.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54He gets that from me.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I've been looking forward to Christmas.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00We can just relax, stuff our faces, get presents and get lashed.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Oh, you poor deluded boy.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Sorry?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Christmas is a hard bloody slog.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07The only way we get through it is by
0:05:07 > 0:05:11keeping your mam's spirits up, and I'm not letting her down this year. She's sensitive, your mam.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Joe, drag your sorry arse in here,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I'll show this bloody woman whose elbows that baby's got.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Ben! Show us your elbows!
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Oh...um...
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Er...
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Aha! I knew it!
0:05:26 > 0:05:27I think we might have a small problem.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Is it elbow related? Apparently we're doing elbows now.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31It's just that, well, er...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Oh, pet, don't tell us your camera really has been stolen?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- No, it's not that. - Oh, thank goodness for that.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Our car's been stolen. With the camera inside it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Well, suppose we'd better ring someone, then.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47It's a grey Volvo.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48It's only a year old.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Can you do anything? - Please.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Well, I'll have an ask about, like, see if any of me
0:05:53 > 0:05:56old mates are on their toes, but it's not looking good.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Can you please try?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I'll try, but have you got somewhere to stay tonight?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Joe and Pauline. They'll put you up.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Whoa! Let's not do anything rash,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06we haven't exhausted all viable options yet.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08All the trains back to York have gone.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11The coach companies say they're all done for Christmas.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Coach?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I mean, of course, you're...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Pauline, there is no room at this inn.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- You're more than welcome... - Pauline?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21..to stay here.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Please, try very, very hard.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26# We wish you a merry Christmas... #
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Right, I think we've got yous all squeezed in.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Ben and Susan, you're on the inflatable
0:06:33 > 0:06:34mattress in the Good Room.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37And I'm afraid Millie will have to go on the sofa in the living room.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Joe's digging out the stuff between the cushions and making it up now.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Did you hear that, Susan?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46They're just digging out "stuff" between the cushions.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- We are honoured.- I'm sorry, Mother.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Right, then, you're all bunked up.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55If I was you, I'd sleep with your head at Pauline's end of the sofa.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57The cushion on my end's sort of sagging a bit.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Or maybe the cushion's all right and it's me arse that's collapsing.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Oh, actually, I was wondering about Christ-mas.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Is it terribly insensitive to call it that in front of you?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'd hate for you to think we're anti-semantic.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18We're Jewish, Pauline, but we're not unaware of the concept of Christmas.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Although I must say I can't remember seeing it splattered across the walls
0:07:23 > 0:07:25quite so liberally.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29We're very grateful. It's quite exciting for us,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31to have our first Christmas!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34That's the spirit, Ben! And you've come to the right place.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35No-one does Christmas like we do.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Winter Festival, Joe. - You what?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42No-one does a non-denominational winter festival like we do.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Hey! You can stay up with me and Jack if you like.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48We're having our traditional Christmas Eve feast.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Oh!- It's the sort of thing that the men do.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53And you're a man, sort of.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55No, Ben, we're going straight to bed.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I've had a very stressful day!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02And I would appreciate some peace and quiet.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05# Oh what fun it is to ride
0:08:05 > 0:08:08# On a one horse open sleigh
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Hey!
0:08:10 > 0:08:14# Jingle bells Here's my keys
0:08:14 > 0:08:17# About 20 of them... #
0:08:20 > 0:08:21FOOTSTEPS
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Vicki, man! You're in Dot's room tonight!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Shush, Jack! You'll wake the baby!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33She's getting in the bed! She's getting in the bed!
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Great, Christmas Eve in bed with a dead angel!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Ssh! I'm trying to get to sleep.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50We can do it in the morning if me mam and dad are out.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02So, in the end, we decided Susan would be more
0:09:02 > 0:09:05comfortable on the mattress if I slept on the floor.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- VICKI:- Eeeeeeeee!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Where's me little nephew, then?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14What are these doing here?
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Mam! Why are these here on Christmas day?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Well, we were just visiting this hell hole, and someone stole...
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Mam!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Why is there another old woman in a wheelchair talking to us?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30There's just supposed to be one.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32This is my grandmother, Millie.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Mam! Why does everyone but me know what's going on?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Don't you ask that question every day?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Mam! Why is Jack ruining Christmas?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Jack, stop ruining Christmas.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49I'm surprised you're even still alive, anyway, the state you were in last night.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50You looked like a smackhead fairy.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Shut up, man!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Just cause Sarah's made you lose all the fun out of your life, don't blame me when I have some.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Vicki!
0:09:57 > 0:10:01Sorry, Sarah, pet, where are me manners? Merry Christmas.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Jack, go and get your dad. Tell him we're doing the presents.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I think he's in the loft getting extra hats for dinner.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Hats? What, you mean paper hats?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11No. No. I'll let you explain.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Me dad goes proper mental at Christmas. He makes us
0:10:15 > 0:10:17all wear special hats.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21We've done it every Christmas for the last 26 years.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23It's almost like a tradition.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25If you don't wear your hat...
0:10:25 > 0:10:26TOGETHER: ..you don't get your dinner!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27THEY LAUGH
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Right, Susan!
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Oh, what's this?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Oh, a present from little Jack with a Q.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Furry handcuffs. Seeing as we broke the last lot.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47From the baby?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50What's them for?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Er... These are in case you want to restrain someone,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55but you don't want to hurt them.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Or sometimes you do.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Hey, Denise, I've got to give you your present yet.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Ooh! For me? Howay, then, where is it?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07It's outside.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14A car! For me?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Grey Volvo? One-year-old, is it?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Comes with a free camera?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Aye, how did you know?- Hutchy! You cannae give her this.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You're going to have to get her something else. Preferably something that doesn't already have an owner.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Ah, howay, man. Look how happy she is.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34I've got a car! I've got a car! I've got a car!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Hashtag delighted!
0:11:36 > 0:11:37I've got a car...
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I've got...ooh! Driving gloves.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43They're embroidered...Joe.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Lucky, lucky you, Ben.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Do I have one of Joe's presents? I don't understand.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Is this a Christian thing?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Well, I had to split some of our presents up
0:11:54 > 0:11:56just so everyone had something to open.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I've got men's slippers, size ten.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Oh, we can always give them to the spaniels to chew when we get home.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Joe, why don't you open a present?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Cos I haven't got any.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Santa decided that some people needed my presents more than I did.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I think he might be losing his Winter Festival spirit.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Well, I've got a present for everybody.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21There you go. That's for you, that's for you. Mam.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22What is this?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25It's me ex-boyfriend-but-we're- still-friends's album.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26I executive produced it.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29What does executive producing mean?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32It's er... It's like...
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Well, you wouldn't understand.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Right, that's presents done, who's getting out of me way
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and going down the pub while I get the dinner ready?
0:12:41 > 0:12:42TOGETHER: Me!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46# Driving home for Christmas
0:12:48 > 0:12:51# Oh I can't wait to see those faces
0:12:55 > 0:12:58# I'm driving home for Christmas... #
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Happy Winter Festival! Cheers!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01ALL: Cheers!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I must say, Joe, it's very kind of you to take us in.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Me, Susan and especially Mill...
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Shhh, Ben.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11We come to the pub to forget what is waiting for us at home.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Howay. Muzzle chop, son.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17# ..to pass the time away
0:13:17 > 0:13:19# Driving in my car... #
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Right, Pauline versus Christmas dinner. Howay, then.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Where do you want me, Pauline?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Oh, you're all right, you go and sit yourself in the Good Room, flower.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I'm about to become at one with me kitchen.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Please.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I really don't want to be in the room with mine and Joe's mother.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40They escalate each other.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Oh, right. Fair enough. There's a sack of spuds there.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You just keep peeling them until we've run out of ways to cook them.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52And Susan was telling me your husband ran off, Dorothy?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56A number of times. But he always came back.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02Apparently, what I've got, you can't find just anywhere.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Oh, I imagine there are pubs all round here
0:14:06 > 0:14:08where your sort are freely available.
0:14:10 > 0:14:16It's Sarah I worry about. Marrying down into such a deprived
0:14:16 > 0:14:20family, it really shows her charitable side, doesn't it?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22We might not have much...
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Well, if this is your Good Room, I'd say you might not have anything, Dorothy.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28You poor thing.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Cat got your tongue?
0:14:32 > 0:14:37No, I'm just trying to loosen my teeth so I can throw them at you.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44So, what time does your mum want me round for dinner?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Dinner? You're not coming for dinner.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51What? Who's going to sing the turkey in from the kitchen?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53You're not me official boyfriend any more, are you?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I want us to be properly back together.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01Vicki, you complete me.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Jerry Maguire?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Are you trying to impress us with lines from Jerry Maguire?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12If you really want to impress me, do us something to show us
0:15:12 > 0:15:14that you genuinely care.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21I doubt it.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22PHONE RINGS
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Eee, me Mam's ringing on me new phone.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Hiya. We're just in Swayzes.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Gervaise is trying to impress us
0:15:31 > 0:15:34with quotes from movies like a bell-end.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36All right. Right, ta-ra!
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Dinner's ready!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39ALL CHEER
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Not yous. Just us.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43GROANING
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Vicki!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Christmas dinner, Ben.- Yeah, lovely!
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Vicki, wait!
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Right, Ben, Susan, Millie and Sarah, you're in the Good Room end.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Which is also the kosher end, in line with their beliefs.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Thank you, Pauline. - No thanks necessary.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04In fact, this whole room is kosher, just to be on the safe side.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08The rest of yous, if you're wanting pigs in blankets,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11they're in the kitchen. You'll have to eat them over the sink and then brush your teeth.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15I'm not having anyone say Pauline Pearson's house isn't multi-faith.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Has that shiksa finished yet? Can we eat?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Not yet.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22We can't eat until we've all got our hats on.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25You don't wear your hat...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27TOGETHER: You don't get your dinner!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29THEY WHOOP AND CHEER
0:16:29 > 0:16:30SILENCE
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Could you pass the peas?
0:16:51 > 0:16:52No.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Of course, Zurich is wonderful this time of year.
0:17:03 > 0:17:09The snow is...quite possibly the whitest snow I've ever seen.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13And the really great thing is that the university is only five minutes from our place.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Would you say five minutes, Jack?
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Five minutes.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Oh. Lovely.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Jack's novel! Jack's been writing his new novel.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Just managed to fit it in around looking after AJ, haven't you?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Yeah. I'm balancing the pressures of being an author with childcare.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I call it typing and wiping.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36The book?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37No, me life.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Er, yeah, me new book.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44It's about a detective who doesn't play by the rules,
0:17:44 > 0:17:45he's like a maverick, a lone wolf.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47But he can't get any sleep
0:17:47 > 0:17:49because he's looking after his new born son all day.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Set in Switzerland, is it?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Yeah, how did you know?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Sounds like shite.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Can the new old woman pass the gravy, please?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03She's been hogging it like it's the bloody fountain of youth.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Right, that's it. I'm not wearing this silly hat any longer!
0:18:07 > 0:18:08No, howay, the rules are...
0:18:08 > 0:18:12No, Joe! It is ridiculous. It's ruining my hair.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I'm taking mine off too. And so is Ben.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- But...- Take it off, Ben.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18(Sorry.)
0:18:19 > 0:18:23And the other night, we went to a fondue party, didn't we, Jack?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Excuse me.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Pig in a blanket?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Don't talk about your gran like that.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Dad? You OK?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39They won't wear the hats!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Oh, they're new to Christmas, they don't understand our ways.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46What's there to not understand about hats?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47I'm sorry, Jack, I just wanted
0:18:47 > 0:18:51to have one last great Christmas with the whole family.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55You're not going to be coming back from Switzerland every year, are you, after this?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58You'll be skipping around over there,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01eating your fondue in this extra white snow.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Dad, I hate Zurich! I hate it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08It's so neat and nice and organised and clean and...and...Swiss!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10What?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I've got nowt done on me novel. I just want to come home!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Sarah loves it, but I'm stuck in a house all day with AJ.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19And I know he's me son, and I love him, but...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21He just eats, sleeps and shits!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25All to the constant soundtrack of crying. Sometimes him, sometimes me.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27The only person I ever speak to is the cleaner.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30And she thinks I'm Scottish. And Welsh!
0:19:30 > 0:19:31THEY CRY
0:19:37 > 0:19:39What are you doing here?
0:19:40 > 0:19:42We're just having a little moment.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44You cannot be crying in here.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47This is where I come for me cry on Christmas Day.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49What?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52When you're having your dinner, I come in here for a little cry
0:19:52 > 0:19:58because...none of you appreciate how much hard work goes into it.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03That's making me even sadder! I'm sorry, love.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I'm so sorry, Mam, I never knew!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Right, come on, come on.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I'm not giving that Susan
0:20:13 > 0:20:16the satisfaction of seeing my family in crisis.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Now...
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Let's put our faces on, and we're going to go back in there
0:20:23 > 0:20:26and we're going to finish that dinner.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Right. And smile!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Let's smack the bitches up!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Right. The car didn't work out, so I've got you another present.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Aye. What is it this time? The turkey from the orphanage?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Open your eyes.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Oh, my God! Ramsey! Get in here!
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Look! A manger for little baby Jack with a Q!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I bet no-one else in Hebburn's got a manger!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Well, the shopping centre hasn't...any more.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08# Away in a manger
0:21:08 > 0:21:11# No crib for a bed... #
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Did you not want to go to the pub with everyone?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Oh, no, Susan. This is usually me favourite part of the day.
0:21:17 > 0:21:23Just me, all alone in me house. Whipping this place back into shape with no-one to get on me nerves.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28I have to hand it to you, Pauline, I would have had a nervous breakdown if I'd had to do all this.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I expect you would.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32It'd drive some people to tears,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35but I find strength in knowing it's just all part of being a mother.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41I'm... I'm sorry about my mother. She can be a little...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44well, a lot...evil.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Don't worry, I've spent the last 30-odd years dealing with Dot.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I'm well schooled in evil.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Wa-hey! Merry Christmas, you folks!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- Oh, my God! - Alreet, posh knickers?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Hiya, Denise, look, I got a new phone for Christmas!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I've already changed the screen saver. Look.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh! A picture of you, what a shocker.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Howay, then, blondie, how was Belgium?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11You know it's Switzerland, silly. I've got so much to tell you!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Oh, Sarah, it's Christmas, not Swiss-mas.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Oh, I nearly forgot. I got you a present!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Oh, thanks very much.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27It's absinthe. A traditional Swiss spirit.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30The Romantic poets used to drink it.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32And it gets you completely spannered.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I'll be the judge of that.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38So, shall I just get us a bottle of wine to share?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Whoa! Whoa there, Rudolf. First things first.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Shots?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Well remembered, my young apprentice. Shots it is!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I think I've just tried to be like her my whole life.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I think that's why I'm so...awful.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Aw, Susan, you're not awful.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Aren't I?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Yes! You are!
0:23:05 > 0:23:06THEY GIGGLE
0:23:09 > 0:23:12You're the worst woman I've ever met!
0:23:15 > 0:23:16I dread you coming to me house!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21You've ruined Winter Festival! I mean Christmas!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Oh, Pauline, have I?
0:23:25 > 0:23:33Oh! Oh, no, of course not. I can honestly say it's been very unique.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Speaking of which, Santa's coming down the chimney
0:23:40 > 0:23:44and he's not stopping for a mince pie, if you know what I mean.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Ladies, seeing as you two are getting on so well, me and Susan
0:23:49 > 0:23:52have decided to stop tidying up and head down the pub with the others.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Now you take care of that bairn. Bye.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00And off they go. Leaving us to it.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05While they live life to the full. That's the way with children.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- You give birth to them... - ..raise them.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Point out every little mistake so they don't make fools of themselves.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12And do we get any thanks?
0:24:12 > 0:24:17We do not. We're two of a kind, eh, Dot?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20And we know what the future holds for us, don't we?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Cold, cold loneliness.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Well, it might for you, you miserable old pumpkin!
0:24:28 > 0:24:32But I've still got some heave-ho left in me.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36MUSIC AND LAUGHTER
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Having fun, girls?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Yeah, it's so good to be here.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50It's such a shame we have to go back to Switzerland.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- But Jack just loves it over there. - Oh, does he now?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55What do you mean? What's he been saying?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Need a hand, Dad?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Did you tell your dad you're not happy in Zurich?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Keep your voice down.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03You know you lose your volume control when you're drunk. You're like a foghorn...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05that's drunk too much.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I see. So, you can't talk to me about it when we're over there!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10But the second you get back to Hebburn you just spill your guts to your dad?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Brilliant. This is going to kick right off.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14What a belter.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17It's all right for you! You couldn't be happier with your whiter than white snow
0:25:17 > 0:25:19and your five-minute walk to work!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22WHAT? So they can call me in whenever they want? Are you mental?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I never see you, Jack! I never see AJ!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- What do you want to do, then? Just pack up and move back to Hebburn? - YES! I want that more than anything!
0:25:28 > 0:25:33- Right, well, let's do that, then. - Good! Nothing would make me happier! - Good! We're moving home, then.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Seriously? Are yous two coming home?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Are you sure this is what you want?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Yeah, I'm sure.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45WE'RE COMING HOME!
0:25:55 > 0:26:00And...I think your Volvo's just been found outside!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Has it?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04And apparently it's been given a full clean and
0:26:04 > 0:26:06a full tank of petrol!
0:26:08 > 0:26:09What about the camera?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Howay, you can't expect miracles, son.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to sing again in a minute.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17GROANING
0:26:17 > 0:26:19But first, there's something I must do.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Vicki Pearson, you told me to show you I care.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27So here you are.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Vicki, will you marry me?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41What is that?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Is that a ring?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50It's a picture of a ring. I don't have any money,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53but when I do, I'll get you any one you want from the catalogue.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57You're a knobhead, aren't you?
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Yes. But I'm your knobhead.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03I suppose you are.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Please, God, no.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16You sleep, little one. You're better off away from all these schmendriks.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Millie. This is Arthur. He's my boyfriend.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Am I?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Until further notice, yes.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Now, kiss me and we'll show
0:27:31 > 0:27:36Mrs Power Assisted Wheelchair just how much life we've got left in us.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# They've got cars big as bars
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# They've got rivers of gold
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# But the wind goes right through you
0:27:46 > 0:27:47# No place for the old... #
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I got me Christmas present, then.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Getting our Jack back?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53No, getting rid of our Vicki.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54# You were pretty
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Queen of New York City
0:27:56 > 0:27:57TOGETHER # When the band finished playing
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# They howled out for more
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Sinatra was swinging
0:28:01 > 0:28:02# All the drunks they were singing... #
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Howay. Let's dance.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06We haven't danced since your stroke.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Well, I hope you can remember.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10If you forget, just follow me hips,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Come on, then.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Oh, sit down, Ben.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23No, come on, Susan.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27# You're a bum, you're a punk
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# You're an old slut on junk
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# Lying there almost dead On a drip in that bed
0:28:32 > 0:28:33# You scumbag, you maggot
0:28:33 > 0:28:35# You cheap lousy faggot
0:28:35 > 0:28:36# Merry Christmas, your arse
0:28:36 > 0:28:38# I hope this is your last
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# The boys of the NYPD choir... #
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Best Christmas ever?
0:28:42 > 0:28:44I was with you, so, of course, it was.
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Ah!
0:28:45 > 0:28:46# ..bells are ringing out
0:28:46 > 0:28:48# For Christmas Day. #
0:28:59 > 0:29:01# I could have been someone
0:29:01 > 0:29:04# Well, so could anyone
0:29:05 > 0:29:07# You took my dreams from me
0:29:07 > 0:29:10# When I first found you
0:29:10 > 0:29:13# I kept them with me, babe
0:29:13 > 0:29:16# I put them with my own
0:29:16 > 0:29:17# Can't make it all alone... #