0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language
0:00:14 > 0:00:16You...
0:00:16 > 0:00:18are...
0:00:18 > 0:00:21very good at blow jobs.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Thank you.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27And I am brilliant
0:00:27 > 0:00:32- at receiving them.- Mm. Yes.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35You were very well behaved.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37So polite of you just to lie back and take it.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Thank you, I do my best.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42You, on the other hand, brought the bloody house down.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Shut up.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46You're incredibly noisy.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52- Why would you say that?- Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not a bad thing.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Course it's a bad thing. Makes me feel...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Like a prostitute.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01No. Paranoid.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It makes me feel paranoid.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05What do you mean, a prostitute?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Well, I don't mean prostitute.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Well, not a professional one.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12You've got a long way to go till you're that good.
0:01:13 > 0:01:19- Shut up.- When I have sex with you, I close my eyes, and I imagine I'm hunched over a prostitute.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- Hunched?- It's the only reason I like having sex with yer.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27- I'm going for a wee.- Oh, no, stay here and have sex with me.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Get off.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51"All tall men mind the mad arithmetic."
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Six letters.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56How did we get home last night?
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- Barney gave us a lift.- Did he?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Why was he driving when he could have been drinking?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- What?- You heard.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08He's starting at HSBC today.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Oh, yeah.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Silly old sod.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Why's he got himself a job for?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, I think I need a pooh as well.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Charming.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24MUSIC FROM TITANIC PLAYS FAINTLY
0:02:26 > 0:02:28He's been watching Titanic...again.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Steve, can you make me some toast?
0:02:31 > 0:02:36No, er, you'll eat in the bed and I won't get rid of the crumbs.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Yes, you will. - Can't you just have it as bread?- Raw?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Yeah.- In the morning?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Yes, why not?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47We must have had a million pizzas in there.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52Yeah I know, but it's just something Julie used to do and I never liked it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- What?- Don't watch me.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You look so cute on the loo.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Steve.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- OK, it's fine, you can have toast if you want.- No, I don't want it now.
0:03:17 > 0:03:23Get out. Obviously it's fine for Julie and her big fucking tits.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24They weren't as big as they looked.
0:03:26 > 0:03:33How very disappointing for you, but despite her disappointingly gargantuan tits,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37you still found it in your heart to let her eat toast in bed with you.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38What a saint.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Are you going to make me toast or not?- Oh, shit.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- Beg your pardon?- Er...nothing. - Are you going to make me toast?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Yes, yes, whatever.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- Thank you.- Oh, sshh.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Don't let him in, he'll hear me.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20It's only Dan.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33You all right, Dan?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Morning, campers. This got put through my door.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- Oh, right, great. - Becky stay over last night?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Yeah, her parents have got people staying, so... - Hung over, dare I ask?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Yeah, a bit, but she's fine.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46She has an egg before bed so she doesn't get a hangover.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Oh, right, yeah. So why does she do that?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Well, so she doesn't get a hangover.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54That's good, yeah. What's she do?
0:04:54 > 0:04:59- Are you taking the piss? - No, I was just...being chatty.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Making conversation.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Well, don't.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- SHE POOHS - Anita didn't reply to my e-mail.
0:05:04 > 0:05:12- I don't know if she's read it. Know her password. Er, been watching Titanic again?- Yeah, we heard.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Yeah, Winslet's tits.- Yeah.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Thank God for the pause button. - MOBILE RINGS
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Hello, mate.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Er, well I hope you're with Laura, but...You know what I mean.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- What? What?- What?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Eurgh, Paul.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- What's going on? - Paul, why are you telling me this? - Why is he telling you what?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Oh, you didn't.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Not Sporty? Oh, you filthy bastard.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50OK, yeah. OK, OK.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53It's fine, it's fine, I'll kill it, it's fine.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Well, I don't know, I'll make something up.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yeah, speak to you later, mate.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Bye.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06- Any news?- Paul spent the night with a girl who looks like Sporty Spice.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Sporty Spice?- I know.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Sporty Spice.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Do you reckon she does back-to-front?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19What's back-to-front?
0:06:19 > 0:06:20What's back-to-front?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Ooh, that's followed you out. - What has?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- Shut the door. - I haven't been doing anything.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- You all right, Dan?- Yeah. Popped down to say hello, really.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Hello.- Hello.- How was your weekend?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Peaks and troughs, you know.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Peaks and troughs.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I would have preferred to have spent it with a Spice Girl, but, er...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Dan.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- A Spice Girl?- Better go.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Yeah, thanks, Dan.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59He wasn't even wearing a watch. I hate it when people do that.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Why would anyone still fancy the Spice Girls?
0:07:01 > 0:07:07Look, it's from Rob. "Steve, having a great time, nice weather, Rob".
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Why do I care what the weather's like in Spain?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Why were you and Dan talking about the Spice Girls?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19We weren't.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Why would anyone still fancy the Spice Girls?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Well, I don't. Come on. Let's have sex.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Why are you lying to me about the Spice Girls?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I'm not. Now get your knickers off.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Yeah, yeah, mm, mm.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Mm.- Mm.- Mm.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Mm. Mm. SMS TONE BEEPS LOUDLY
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Oh, it doesn't need to be that loud.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Oh, no.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- What?- Oh, God.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- What?- Oh, I bet she's really...
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- What, what is it?- Poor thing.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Rebecca!- It's my sister.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10She says Paul didn't come home last night.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Have you heard anything?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14What, Paul?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Yeah.- No.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Just have a check. No. Nope.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30She's just being a drama queen. I bet she's sent that text to everyone.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Yeah it's probably fine, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Forget about it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42We're missing Cash In The Attic.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45We're about to have sex.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Oh, yeah.- Mm.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- RUMBLING - Ooh.- Was that a fart?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- No, it was my tummy. - Well, that sounded like a fart.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Are you going to make me toast?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You know I can't have sex on an empty stomach.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04OK.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09OK, I'll make you toast. Fine, but you're eating it on the chair, and afterwards we are shagging.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Wow. It's like being a princess.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25Steve, why have you put your mug face down on the floor?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Jesus Christ.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Urgh, kill it! - No, he might have babies. - Chuck it out the window, then.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32No, no, you can get AIDS from a spider.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- You can't!- You can. If he's been crawling round in the blood of an AIDS victim...
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- Steve, be a man for once in your life and get rid of the spider. - All right, all right, give me that.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Don't touch, don't touch.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Stay behind me.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Yeah, I'll deal with him in a minute, when I've worked out a plan.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Upside down. You put a mug upside down, not face down.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Ignore him.- Oh, I can't.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Do you want to clear the bed for the fuck fest?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26OK.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Fuck fest?- What?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"All tall men mind the mad arithmetic."
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Dan's back.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Hello, hello, hello.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52MOBILE RINGS
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Hi, Laura, you all right, babe?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08What a total bastard.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Oh, sh...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21What are you making?
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- Toast.- Ooh, very posh. Yeah.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Thinking I might pop to Azeen, you know, get some fruit.- OK.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- Just read an article about melon, yeah.- Wow. - Fancy getting a melon with me?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Becky could come, too.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- Ooh, I'm sure she'd love to, but we're, er, kind of busy this morning.- Sex.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Yeah.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I heard her hollering earlier.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Don't say that.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Don't be silly.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58No. No, he shouldn't be putting you through all this.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02No, I know. Really?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Straight away?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06OK.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Yeah. Course he won't mind.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10All right then.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Bye, love.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Have I outstayed my welcome? - Yeah.- No problem.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Get that fruit.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Good idea.- Bye.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Bye-bye.
0:12:45 > 0:12:53Right, You hold the plate beneath the toast, you eat it on the chair.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Wow, what's this?
0:12:58 > 0:12:59I thought you might like to watch.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- Really?- Yeah, where do you want me? - On the bed. Arse down.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Thought you didn't like being watched.- I don't mind,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17if you do something for me.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22- Like what? - Like...letting Laura pop round.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Laura! - Well, she's my sister. Steve. She's feeling really down about Paul.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29There is nothing wrong with Paul, I told you.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I'll moan and groan as loud as you like.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yeah well, er...
0:13:34 > 0:13:35not too loud.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- Mm.- Mm.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Come here. Mm, mm, mm, mm. - Mm, mm, mm.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, that'll be Laura.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- That was quick. - Well, she was on her way already.
0:13:47 > 0:13:53- So when you asked me if I wanted to watch...- I let you watch me. Now be nice to Laura.- Oh, God!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Hello, love, how you feeling?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I'm so worried, Becks.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Look at me, I'm shaking.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08He's being a total bastard.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Laura's here.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- Hi, Laura, are you all right? - Paul didn't come home last night.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Look at me, Steve, I'm shaking.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Yeah.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I couldn't even go to work.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Have you heard from him?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27No. I'm sure he's fine, though.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30He's a big lad, I'm sure everything's tickety boo.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- I need a piss. - Thanks for sharing that with us.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- Is his phone still off?- Yeah.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I left a message to say that I was here.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48And I was thinking,
0:14:50 > 0:14:54maybe what's happened with little Luke, with his scans and Luke's Mum, Natalie, the slut.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55HE GAGS
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- You didn't flush.- Steve.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You did a shit, and you didn't flush.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I didn't want Dan to hear.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06You're an animal. I can hardly breathe in there.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Oh, stop overreacting.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Careful, Steve, there's a mug on the floor.- This is my flat.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- I'm the one who has to live here in your stench.- Oh, well done.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Steve, there's a mug on the floor.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19If you shit in my flat, you flush in my flat.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21You've really got a way with words, haven't you?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24If you want to do a stinky shit, go back to your parents' house and do it.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- My Uncle Dennis is staying over. - There's a mug face down on the floor, Steve.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Yes, Laura I know! I put it there.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I keep a spider in it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Face down.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50You know Dan upstairs?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- Pyjamas.- Yeah.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56He's watching Titanic for what is it, the...
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Fourth.- Fourth time this week.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03- He just split up with a girl that looks like Winslet.- Oh, she doesn't look like Winslet.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05She's just fat and posh.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11He wanted me to buy fruit with him.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Who goes out of their way to buy fruit?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Oh, I'd love a mango.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- What?- Wouldn't you, Laur?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Oh, yeah.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22What are you going to do with a mango?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Eat it.- How?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- Don't know.- A mango?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Who the fuck do you think you are? They're like a pound each.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Fucking mango?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37All right, Steve,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39mind the language, Laura's upset.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Sorry, Laura.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52I'm sure Paul's absolutely fine.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Thanks, Steve.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56OK?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Have you seen the new telly?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Is that it?- Mm, yep.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Not bad, is it? Found it in the skip.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Isn't he a dream?
0:17:14 > 0:17:15DOORBELL RINGS/BANGING
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Oh, that's Paul. It's his knock.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Go on, Laur, you answer it. Be strong.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27BANGING/RINGING CONTINUES
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Thank God for that.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I can explain everything, darling, it's not my fault.
0:17:34 > 0:17:40It was events, it was some real nasty events, and I just missed you so much, darling.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Yeah.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Mm. You going to let me watch you with this?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47No, course not.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49You're such a pervert.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I don't even know why you bought this thing.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Her favourite thing about him is his big dick.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Isn't that revolting?- Well...
0:18:08 > 0:18:12he might have a big dick but I bet he can't do
0:18:12 > 0:18:15a dick dance.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Can he, Becks? Can he?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Shall I do my dick dance? - Yes.- Shall I?- Yes.- Shall I?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24And you know how I've been with Luke being ill.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm being selfish.
0:18:27 > 0:18:34Well, you are. You are being really selfish, but that's OK, because you're my darling, remember?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38# Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. #
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Look at it. # Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. #
0:18:40 > 0:18:43We have a bond and we're getting married.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Yeah. Like two become one.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Like, what made you say that?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Mm, what?- When two become one?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Oh, it's just a phrase, isn't it?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yeah.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Yeah, it is.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Yeah.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04# Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm Uh-uh-uh-uh
0:19:04 > 0:19:08# Uh-uh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Eurrrrrrr.#
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Ooh, yeah.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Thank you, fans. Thank you, fans.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- Paul could never do a dick dance as good as that.- No.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21And I bet if he did he wouldn't have that bit of loo roll caught in his foreskin.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24What? Ohh.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Oh.- Mm, do they smell good?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Mm, they smell lovely.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- Do you want to smell?- Mm, yeah.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Course I don't want to smell!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- Is everything all right?- Yeah, I was being silly, he was at Iggy's.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Probably let her know next time, Paul.- Yeah, sorry. Sorry, everyone.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51He's forgetful like that, while I'm too far the opposite way.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54That's why we're the perfect couple.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Steve was just doing a dick dance. - Becky.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- A what?- Nothing. If you guys are OK why don't you treat yourselves to a nice meal deal, get some air.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Don't let Paul do a dick dance, Laur, he'd have someone's eye out with that great big thing.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08- Yeah.- Yeah, I would.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- No chance of Steve doing that, is there, love?- You're funny.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Ooh, is it small, Steve? - No, to be fair, it's not small.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- I'm flattered.- But it's not exactly going to split you in two.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22It's fine, it's normal size, I measured it.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- What? I measured it.- You measured it?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Yes, with a ruler.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Oh, that's a lovely image.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Was it a 15-centimetre ruler, Steve?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- That doesn't even work. - What, can't you take a joke, mate?
0:20:40 > 0:20:42How, how, how did this happen?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Why did they invent the microscope?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46So Steve could find his dick.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51- Well, you've nicked that one off Barney.- Why can't you take a joke? - Why don't you go back to Iggy's?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Steve was having a wank the other day but he couldn't find any tissues, so he had to use a stamp.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- Did you write that one yourself? - Yeah.- It's really good.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I bet when Paul has a wank he has to use the whole duvet.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Yeah, I do.
0:21:04 > 0:21:10- What, and that's a good thing?- You're the inspiration for those little pens in Argos, aren't you, love?
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Yeah, yeah, I was. I was the inspiration for the little pens in Argos. Very funny.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18So my dick's not as big as yours.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- By about ten inches.- Paul's dick's so long he can't wear shorts.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Ooh, that's funny, because he can't keep it in his trousers, either.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER DIES
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- What?- What?- Steve.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- What?- What's that supposed to mean?- Steve.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42What, what's that supposed to mean, Becks?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- He didn't mean anything by it. - Steve, what do you mean he can't keep his dick in his trousers?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Er, nothing, come on, let's go.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51As you saying Paul can't keep his dick in his trousers?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56No! I was joking.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Oh, you know me, I'm always joking.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05Maybe you should learn to take a joke. Now, Becks, how much do I owe you for that curry the other night?
0:22:06 > 0:22:11Why did you lie about you and Dan talking about the Spice Girls?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Sshh, I didn't!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Why were you talking about doing back-to-front with one of 'em?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What? You're crazy.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25- What's back-to-front? Were you doing back-to-front with a Spice Girl? - No, of course not.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It was a deal, weren't it, lamb and a naan, £5.50.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Steve, was he doing back to front with a Spice Girl?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Of course he wasn't doing back-to-front with a Spice Girl, whatever that is.
0:22:33 > 0:22:40- This is Paul, he works in Rymans, as if a Spice Girls going to want to do back-to-front with him.- Fuck you.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42But you are shagging someone.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- I'm what.- Sssh, sssh, Laura's upset.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- Steve.- Look why don't I pop out and get us all a mango? - Steve, stop being a prick.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Let Paul answer the question. Paul?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Where were you last night, Paul?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Tell me or you can have this ring back.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Oh, OK. OK.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Steve's got it all wrong, as usual.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- I might not have stayed at Iggy's. - You liar.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I didn't want you worrying.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19I ended up going, er, to...
0:23:19 > 0:23:20a museum.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Which museum?
0:23:31 > 0:23:38Well, it was just a general museum, Becky, and I bumped into a very nice young lady at the museum
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- who happens to do some agency work as a Mel C look-alike.- You bastard.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44No, isn't it, Steve?
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Yeah, the exhibits were so fascinating he stayed there all night.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You bastard!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- Jesus, Steve.- Oh, what have I done?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03You're a little shit.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Mel C?- I know.- Mel fucking C.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Sshh, I know, I know. - What does the C even mean?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- Chisholm.- Chisholm?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Chisholm?- Yeah. Chisholm. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Dan. - Hey, Steve, they were two for £1.50, let's hang out, eat 'em with spoons.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Steve, come here, you prick.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Oh, Paul, did you give her what she wanted? What she really, really wanted?- Not now, mate.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31What's so good about Mel C?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Nothing. There's nothing good about Mel C.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- I've never liked their music, have I?- No. She did that one with Bryan Adams.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40But you're right, we've never liked her.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I am so fucking enraged. Urggh.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Oh, fuck off as well, you little spider dick.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52All right, how did you know I did back-to-front with her?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Did yer? What is it?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59It's when, when first of all, you do her in the...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01what, you've never done back-to-front?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- No, of course not. - You're like a fucking nun.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Right. Laura, let me in, darling, we need to talk.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Go away, Paul, I don't want to speak to you.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I'm not going anywhere, darling.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- I believe it when I see it.- Oh.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Don't do this to me, darling.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21We have a bond. You're my everything.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- We're meant to be together. - Go away, Paul.
0:25:25 > 0:25:30OK, you've got five seconds to let me in before I kick the fucking door down!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34What is that? Oh. Er, what is that...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Er, probably just let him, Becks.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I'm going fucking mental, darling!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Oh, mental, men...
0:25:41 > 0:25:45"All tall men mind the mad arithmetic."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I will smash the glass.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- It stinks in here. - You total bastard!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57TOILET FLUSHES
0:25:57 > 0:25:58ARGUING CONTINUES
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I can't wait for the wedding.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- I really need a piss. How long they going to be? - As long as they need.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Don't you dare.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Where's the spider?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I threw him out the window.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Wow.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Very brave.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Someone's grown some balls.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Can I have the toast?
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Yeah. Sure.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Thank you.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Are you enjoying that toast?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Yeah, why?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07No reason, I'm just glad you're enjoying it.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Thank you for allowing me to eat it in your bed.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Not at all,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13just glad you're enjoying it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Mm, I am enjoying it.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Good, I'm glad you are.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Good.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Good.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Good.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Hm.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38I was up all night worrying about you. I was sick with worry.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Sweetheart, darling, you're so beautiful.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:49 > 0:27:53E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk