0:00:02 > 0:00:04- LOUD RINGTONE - I will pay for you to get a different ringtone.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- You're not being useful, Steve. - Why does it need to be so loud?
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Stop moaning and help me find it!
0:00:10 > 0:00:11RINGING CONTINUES
0:00:14 > 0:00:19- Oh, I don't get why you keep so much stuff in there.- I need it.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20What?!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23You need these?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Yes, I haven't finished them yet!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28- RINGING CONTINUES - Why do you need a brush?
0:00:28 > 0:00:33- When do you need to brush your hair during the day?- When it's windy.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34It's got bits of crisps in here.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- Eurgh, you are filth! - RINGING CONTINUES
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- It's Paul.- Oh, God...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- Probably wondering why we're not there yet.- Yeah.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50I'll put it on silent.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03This programme contains strong language.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15MUZAK PLAYS ON PHONE
0:01:20 > 0:01:26'Your call is in a queue, and will be answered as soon as one of our advisers becomes available.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30'To make sure we've given you the best service we can,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32'your call may be monitored to help us with training.'
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- What's that?- Concealer.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Oh.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Why do you need that, then?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- You're funny(!)- Thank you.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- PHONE CONNECTS - 'Hello, thanks for ringing...'
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Hello?! Hello. Hello, hello.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I'm Steve Marshall.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58O...P...8.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03E...1...7.
0:02:03 > 0:02:076...N...M.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09No, N...
0:02:09 > 0:02:11N, for Nicholas.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14M, for Marcus.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Um...Mrs Doubtfire.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Janet Brophy.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Oh, for God's sake...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- On hold again?- Yeah.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Why d'you keep saying Mrs Doubtfire?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Oh, it's a security check. Favourite film.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Your favourite film is Mrs Doubtfire?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42It's got some classic moments in it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHS
0:02:44 > 0:02:46You're laughing just thinking about it?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50She sets fire to her tits...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52The lids.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53It's a he.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Oh, for God's sake...!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02They're playing Candle In The Wind.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06They're starting to actually try and make me angrier.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Is it an annoying song?
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- What do you mean?- The song you're listening to, is it annoying?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16What do you mean, the song I'm listening to?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19The candle song, is it annoying?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22What do you mean "the candle song"?! It's Candle In The Wind!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Candle In The Wind, then! Is it annoying?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27What is this? You know it's annoying!
0:03:27 > 0:03:31How am I supposed to know? I've never heard it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Yes you have.- No I haven't.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34You've never heard Candle In The Wind?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37No!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Yes, you have.- No, I haven't!
0:03:43 > 0:03:45It's by Elton John!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Like I listen to Elton John songs!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- What about when Diana died? - What about it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It was the theme tune for her death.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59I was 11, Steve. I didn't watch the news. I wasn't a geek.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03It's not geeky to have heard of Candle In The Wind.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05What time is it? Are we late?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Don't change the subject, you're being ridiculous.
0:04:08 > 0:04:15- Steve!- Yes, we're late. You've been dicking about in the mirror for an hour, I've been ready for ages.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Ouch!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Oh...- What are you doing?- No!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Cramp, cramp! I've got cramp, I've got cramp! - SHE LAUGHS
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- You look funny.- Shut up, I'm in pain.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I think that's why you look funny.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Fuck, fuck, fuck!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
0:04:36 > 0:04:37You're going like that, yeah?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Yeah.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41It's a fancy-dress party.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- So?- You're supposed to dress as something beginning with P.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I'm not going to dress up, I'd look like a dick.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49You're supposed to look like a dick, that's the point.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Luke's being a prick. Making everyone go in fancy dress.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56He's not being a prick, he's six years old.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58That's prickish behaviour.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- He's Paul's son.- Don't care!
0:05:01 > 0:05:02He was in hospital.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I can't believe you've never heard of Candle In The Wind!
0:05:09 > 0:05:14Just dress as something beginning with P and shut the fuck up.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Stop it, I'm trying to concentrate!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Do you need your mouth open?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Yes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Becks?- Yes?
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Do you find it funny that he's called Luke and he...
0:05:56 > 0:05:57had leukaemia?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02No.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Get off!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11You're not allowed to make jokes like that.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Well, it's not like he died, is it?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21How's my spot?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Delicious.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, if that is Paul, you are in trouble.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Sausage rolls!
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Don't eat too many.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40# Sausage rolls... #
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Sorry, Dan, mate. Caught us at a really bad time, mate.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Paul's son's just come out of hospital today.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57He's just beaten leukaemia and we're having a fancy dress party for him and I'm helping out with the food.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59So, thanks for calling round.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Notice anything different about me?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- No.- Not wearing my glasses?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oh, yeah!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Cool. Well...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14How do you think I can see?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Don't know.- Contact lenses.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Contact lenses?!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- OK. Great. Thanks, Dan. - Do you think they'll work?
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- Yes.- I'm going to try and win back Anita with the new Dan.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What's wrong with the old Dan?
0:07:36 > 0:07:41- Is that a serious question? - I don't think so.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43What's the theme of the fancy dress party?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45We got to dress up as something beginning with P.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- What are you going as?- I don't dress up. I'd look like a dick.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Cool as. Cool as.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53What's Becky dressing up as?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- A policewoman.- Policewoman?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Yep.- Can I...? - Not that kind of policewoman.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh, shit.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I've learned a magic trick.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Magic trick?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Lock up your daughters.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I'm going to buy a cape and perform it for Anita.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Do you think that will work?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- What?- Nothing.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- What?- Nothing!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- You look lovely, come on.- Steve?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Nothing! You look lovely!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Not looking at anything. - I'm not looking at anything either.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I'm looking at my phone.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46OK, good.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49My spot burst.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Did it?- Really?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I didn't notice.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58It's gone a bit bloody. Can you see it?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Oh, yeah... - Now you mention it, it's just...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I'll clear it up.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Don't bother, it's fine. Just hurry up.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I've been ready for an hour.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- It's like she physically can't hurry up.- Yeah, women!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Can I do anything else for you, Dan?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- No, no. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Ooh, a visitor.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26You're staying, are you?
0:09:29 > 0:09:35'Your call is in a queue and will be answered as soon as one of our advisors becomes available...'
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Hi, Laura.- Paul's not happy, Steve.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41You were meant to bring the sausage rolls over an hour ago. You're taking liberties.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48What?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- You look nice.- Thank you, Steve. I'm meant to be a prostitute.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Done a good job of that.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- It's very accurate.- Why aren't you answering Paul's calls?- I'm on hold,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I can't hang up now. Somebody's stealing money from me.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03There's no sausage rolls at the party, Steve.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- What kind of party doesn't have any sausage rolls?- It's like a riddle.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I'm ready, OK? It's Becky that's holding everyone up.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I'm not holding anyone up.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I just want to look nice for little Lukey.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- You all right, Becks? - Yeah, nearly ready.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Paul's going mad over there.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27- Yeah?- Yeah, been getting all uppity, threatening his uncle.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28You saw him at Bonfire Night.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30You know how he gets.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Er... No, no, no! That's my toothbrush.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Well...you can always use this.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42When are you going to get yourself another one?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45SHE MUMBLES
0:10:45 > 0:10:48It's your own fault for biting it.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- BECKS MUMBLES - Why do you bite it?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55You're the same with Polos, you're like a dog.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I'm brushing my teeth! Why do you do that?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- What?- Talk to me when I'm brushing my teeth? It's so annoying.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- You're so annoying. - Very good. Very witty.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- Just get ready. - I am ready!- See you in a bit, Laur.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Are you ready?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- What are you going as?- This.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- A paedophile?- No, of course not!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29What... What do you mean, a paedophile?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Your top button's done up.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Er... It's trendy.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34It's paedophilic, Steve.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37God's sake.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I'm not dressing up.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I'm sorry, you're dressing up, Steve. I'm Paul's fiancee.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Luke had leukaemia and at the end of the day, he's a hero
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and if he wants you to dress up as something beginning with P
0:11:47 > 0:11:50then you're going to dress up as something beginning with P. Do you know what I'm saying?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Yes, Laura. I know what you're saying.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Thank you.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Notice anything different about me?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Laura reckons I've got to dress up.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Told you.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16I don't even like Luke!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Steve, he almost died.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23He's a little shit.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Do you remember when he pitched my tit?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Yeah, the little shit. And he spat on me.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31He's an ugly little bastard too.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Your hair?- No.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Have you lost weight?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40No, I'm trying, but I keep eating.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- It's my glasses.- What about them?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Not wearing any?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Do you wear glasses?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I've got contacts.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Ah.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Pick a card.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02His eyebrows went wobbly.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04He sang it at the funeral.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Candle In The Wind.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I don't know it! Leave me alone.
0:13:09 > 0:13:15'Your call will be answered as soon as one of our advisors becomes available.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20'To make sure we're giving you the best service we can,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23'your call may be monitored to help us with training.'
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Will you scratch my back for me? - Come here.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Is it...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- er, two of spades?- Yeah.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That's incredible. How d'you do it?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45It's, er... It's magic.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47But seriously, how d'you do it?
0:13:47 > 0:13:52- Magic.- No, but seriously. - Honestly, I'm magic.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Really?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Down a bit, down a bit, to the left.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Oh, that's it, that's it.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Keep going, keep going.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Up a bit.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Ahh.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11What about that? You could go as a pirate.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Everyone's going to go as a pirate.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Can you move things with your eyes? - Yep.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Can you?- Yeah!
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Can you make it, like... How can I put it?
0:14:26 > 0:14:32- Could you make everything in a room hover?- Yeah.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- Apart from the floor? - Certainly, yeah.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- You're taking the piss.- No, I'm not.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Is it free booze?- Hope so.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Oh, he's beaten cancer. That's a free booze situation, isn't it?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49You'd think so.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Mmm, could you just scratch it all over?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56'To make sure we're giving you the best service we can,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59'your call may be monitored to help us with training.'
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Could you...
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- Could you bring back someone from the dead?- Yep.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Could you make it rain indoors?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Absolutely.
0:15:19 > 0:15:2125th March, 1986.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25E17 6NM.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Uh-uh, uh-uh.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30N for Nicholas, M for Marcus.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Mrs Doubtfire.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Janet Brophy.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- You all right?- Yeah.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Did you know Dan's...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I don't know...
0:15:46 > 0:15:47He said he could...
0:15:49 > 0:15:55He's got this pack of cards and he reckons he's got these abilities to...
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Oh, I don't know now.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Sounds silly to say it out loud, but...
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- So you got your prostitute clothes in the end?- Yeah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08Yeah, I got the top of Shelley and the skirt, I got that off Shelley as well, and the shoes...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- I got it all off Shelley.- Mmm.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- D'you have a phone number for Shelley?- No, Dan. - Come and help me with a fringe wash.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- What's a fringe wash?- Haven't I told you about the fringe wash?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Oh, my God, you're going to love it.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30MUFFLED VOICES
0:17:23 > 0:17:26# Snookering you
0:17:26 > 0:17:29# Snookering you
0:17:29 > 0:17:32# Snookering you tonight. #
0:17:34 > 0:17:38It's like a strimmer for a hedge. I don't even own a hedge.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Why would I...?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41# Big Break! #
0:17:41 > 0:17:42For God's sake!
0:17:42 > 0:17:47- Put me on hold again! - Have you ever actually seen a dog chase a cat?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50D'you reckon you're in the way at all, Dan?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Pick a card.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Why've you got a pack of cards on you? - I just happen to have them on me.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Steve's doing my head in.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Keeps going on about this song by Elton John, Candle In The Wind.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03- D'you know it?- Yeah, of course.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Do you?!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Yeah, of course.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11# And it seems to me you lived your life
0:18:11 > 0:18:13# Like a candle in the wind... #
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Oh, that?- Yeah.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Of course I know it.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21That's embarrassing. SIRENS
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Is it...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Ten of diamonds?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Yes.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35- How d'you do that?- It's magic. - Don't be a dick. Just tell me.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37A magician never reveals his secrets.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- Tell me or get out of my flat. - I've spent the past week learning the order of the cards,
0:18:42 > 0:18:47so when you pick out a card, I know what it is from its position in the pack.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51You've spent a week doing that?
0:18:51 > 0:18:56Yeah, it gave me headaches. But Anita likes Derren Brown, so, you know.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Luke's so brave. He's really cute.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02He's dressed as a Pharaoh.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Doesn't that begin with...? Oh.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10Yeah. And Luke's mum, Natalie, the slut, she got...
0:19:11 > 0:19:15She got in this massive cake shaped like the Pyramids
0:19:15 > 0:19:18and he threw it at this girl and she was covered in it
0:19:18 > 0:19:22and she started crying and everyone was laughing.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- It was mad.- So, d'you see, Laura?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28I've just washed my fringe, but it looks like
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- I've washed my whole hair. - That's amazing, Becks.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- You should sell it. - Sell the fringe wash?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Yeah. You could make a fortune out of that.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- D'you think?- Yeah.- Who'd buy it?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Busy people, women, busy women.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49It's how the Body Shop started.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Yeah.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Four of hearts.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Oh my God!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Three of spades.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Dan, seriously.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12'Please remember, we can only help you with a billing enquiry...'
0:20:12 > 0:20:14King of clubs.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Dan, this is no way to spend your twenties.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You don't have to wash it all.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Have you been washing your hair?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- See?- That's amazing. - I just did the fringe.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27You are supposed to be hurrying up, not washing your hair!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33So where d'you reckon I could buy a cape?
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Debenhams?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- DOORBELL AND BANGING ON DOOR - Oh, God, that's Paul.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44We're going to get some bubbly to do a toast, but otherwise you have to pay for your own drinks.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45That's annoying.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Have you seen my phone?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Um...
0:20:53 > 0:20:56You're holding it, Beck.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00DOORBELL AND BANGING AT DOOR What a dick.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Paul's here.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06THEY KEEP LAUGHING
0:21:08 > 0:21:09DOORBELL AND BANGING AT DOOR
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Answer the fucking door, Steve!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Steve!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Hello, Paul, mate. You all right?- Where the fuck are the sausage rolls?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24My little boy is going mental.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28There's a whole fucking party going on and there's not one single sausage roll.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Wow, Paul, I like your costume.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Thank you. - It's quite a costume, Paul. - Thank you. It's Postman Pat.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Luke likes him. He's got the duvet. Mum's dressed as Mrs Goggins.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- That doesn't begin with P.- Fuck off!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Now where are the sausage rolls?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50You had it in your hand, Becks!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I know!
0:21:52 > 0:21:53You idiot.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I've been ready for nearly two hours.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03So what are you dressed as? A pillock?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05No, I thought I'd go as myself.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Yeah, that's what I said - a pillock.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- LAUGHS - Sorry, it's just my sense of humour.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Are you seriously going as yourself?
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Yeah. I thought I'd go as myself and not get dressed up and instead...
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- I don't...- ..instead honour Luke by putting on my best shirt.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- It is a nice shirt. - I don't fucking believe this!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26You don't bring the sausage rolls, you're shitting about in your own clothes
0:22:26 > 0:22:29when there's a whole section of a Witherspoon's roped off.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31They've put balloons up.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35They've let us smoke and it's full of adults and children,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39all trying, like, trying, Steve, trying as hard as they can
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- to dress up as something beginning with P. - PHONE RINGS
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Oh, sorry, I... Ooh, got to take this. I'm reporting a fraud.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48No, let me get that for you, mate.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Fuck yourself!
0:22:50 > 0:22:55Oh, no, they're going to think that was me! They're going to put that in my records.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Steve, Luke is my kid, and my kid loves sausage rolls.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02You should have seen his face when he couldn't find one.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Smashed a window with his head. - Oh, no.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07On his special day.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- I'm really sorry... - You've got a toy parrot.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- I've played with it in this flat. You could have come as a pirate. - That's what I said, isn't it?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16What about her?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18She's not dressed up.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- I'm a policewoman, Steve. - You've put on a hat.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- Policewoman's hat.- You're wearing what you wore last night.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28She's clearly dressed as a policewoman. Anyone can see that.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32She's made the effort, Steve, because she is a decent human being
0:23:32 > 0:23:36and she's not some lazy, shit-eating piece of shit.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38You haven't even got a TV licence.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Why are you bringing that up?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- Cos it really annoys me. - She's lazier than I am.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- No, I'm not.- I'm the one that goes and gets everything. I'm always going down the chip shop.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54I wonder why. I've seen you with the girls in there with your horrible little grin.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56At least she's got a heart, Steve.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59At least she's got a heart.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Yeah? At least I've heard of Candle In The Wind.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- What are you talking about? I've heard of it.- You liar!
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Course I've heard of it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Everyone's heard of it. It's one of the best songs of all time.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12We're thinking of having it as our first dance.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Stop trying to be a prick, Steve.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- You haven't made an effort.- Exactly.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20It's atrocious. I mean, look at Paul.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22He's made the effort.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23He's got a sack.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26What's in the sack, Paul?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Letters.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30You see?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34He's a postman. He'd have letters.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35And in the bag?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Jess.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh, come on, that's funny.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46He's got letters and a Jess.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Luke's just gone through a matter of life and death and you're standing there laughing at him.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- I wasn't laughing at HIM.- Yes, you were.- I was laughing at Jess. And it's not my fault we're late.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Becky's been doing her make-up, washing her hair...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00It was a fringe wash, Steve.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- A fringe wash.- What's a fringe wash all of a sudden?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06My little boy is a hero. He beat cancer at the age of six.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08What were you doing at the age of six? Playing with your dad's dick?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Sucking yourself off? - OK, Paul, that's enough.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Luke's blood cells were fucked. - OK, Paul...
0:25:13 > 0:25:18Now, you get in there and you dress up as a fucking python or something, because otherwise...
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- OK, Paul, I said that's enough. You're being aggressive.- No, I'm not!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25If Steve doesn't want to dress as something beginning with P,
0:25:25 > 0:25:29then Steve won't dress as something beginning with P.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31OK?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Paul's mum's going as Mrs Goggins.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35That doesn't begin with P.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Oh, he hasn't even heated them up.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I'll see you there.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Oh, my God.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58BANGING ON DOOR
0:26:01 > 0:26:04He forgot Jess.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Jess.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12I've got him.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Come on, Dan, time for you to go as well.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Haven't got my cards.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Yes, I have. Phew.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Bye, then.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I don't have a horrible little grin, do I?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Yeah, course.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38You look like a rapist.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Did you get through to HSBC?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Nah, couldn't be bothered.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I'll try again tomorrow.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Guess we'd better go, then.- Yeah.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06We are properly late.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Yeah, we are.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Yep, I think Paul will actually kill me if I don't get there soon.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Yeah, he will.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18He was proper angry.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23- Yeah, we should definitely go.- Yes.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26We must.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31You have to pay for your drinks.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- Really?- Yeah.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44- No free bar?- Nope.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Shall we just stay in and have sex?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Yeah, fuck it.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53# Come closer and cuddle me tight
0:27:53 > 0:27:58# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang when you are near
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
0:28:01 > 0:28:06# It's such a lovely feeling
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# When I'm in your arms... #
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:16 > 0:28:19E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk